Guilt...

[Same22]

ive started to feel guilty and angry at myself about my dressing, but i dont know what to do about it... i was just wondering if anyone else feels the same way i do, or how to help it.

[DawnLabelle]

I also feel that guilt from time to time, it used to be a hell of alot worse than now, but I do know what youre talking about.

The things that have helped me get rid of part of the guilt is to come out to people, safe, close people, but at least a few. Are you out to anyone at all in your life?. Each time that you spend time with a close friend who knows, and as you realize that it doesn't change their view of you in any way, you'll start to feel a bit better about it and better about yourself. This is true (for me at least) wether or not im dressed (I dont dress around friends, but last nite two of my best female friends made me up for a night out, felt very comfortable) and wether or not the subject is around CD'ing.

Of course the guilt is all based on how you really feel about yourself and your CD'ing, and in the end no matter how many people you have around you that love and accept you for who you are, you still have to finally accept yourself. The friends just help :)

Take care hun
Dawn

[Julie Avery]

I think this is *the most* important issue for crossdressers. Get rid of the guilt, but by the same token, get your girly self a conscience. Think about it.

[Marla S]

Hello Same,

guilt is, or has been, a common feeling to most CDers (I guess). So, you're not the only one, and I suppose there are quite similar mechanisms.
You belong to the mainstream ;)
It is hard to deal with, but there is nothing wrong with CDing, a good feeling, and excitement or even the sexual aspect. What is difficult is the loneliness and the non-accapence by the society.
Try to talk about it, as Dawn said, and try to accept yourself (easy said :D ) and most likely the guilt feelings will decrease.

[Janelle Young]

I used to feel guilty when I dressed as well. I think the first thing that needs to happen to remove the guilt feelings is for you to be comfortable with yourself and with what and who you are. For myself once I recognized that I was a crossdresser and that it was a part of me and was not going to go away, I felt good with myself. It is a part of me and it will always be a part of me. Now I like me and have no guilt about what I am or what I wear. Others can either except me for who and what I am or not. I don't care one way or another because I am me and I like me the way that I am.

[Sweet Susan]

ive started to feel guilty and angry at myself about my dressing, but i dont know what to do about it... i was just wondering if anyone else feels the same way i do, or how to help it.


Quit. See if your guilt goes away. If it doesn't, Wa-la, it is just a case of mis-placed guilt. If it does go away, Wa-la-la-la, you are guilty as charged and forbidden to ever wear dresses and frilly things again! Life is so simple.

[Rachel Morley]

ive started to feel guilty and angry at myself about my dressing, but i dont know what to do about it... i was just wondering if anyone else feels the same way i do, or how to help it.
I would like to suggest that almost all of us have at one time or another felt guilty about our dressing. I know as far as I'm concerned, I used to tell myself all the time "this is not normal behaviour for a guy" or "I shouldn't be fanning the flames". However, I'm happy to say that nowadays (mostly because of my wife) I feel much better about everything and my dressing has become an intergral part of what makes me happy and I no longer have the guilt.

So what I'm saying is that IMHO feeling guilty is "par for the course". The only thing that you've said that rings a little bit of an alarm bell for me is when you say you feel angry. Angry at who?....yourself?....try not to be angry with yourself because the only way to no guilt feelings is self acceptance, and self acceptance doesn't come easily if you already don't like yourself.

[RenaCD]

I also feel that guilt from time to time, it used to be a hell of alot worse than now, but I do know what youre talking about.

The things that have helped me get rid of part of the guilt is to come out to people, safe, close people, but at least a few. Are you out to anyone at all in your life?. Each time that you spend time with a close friend who knows, and as you realize that it doesn't change their view of you in any way, you'll start to feel a bit better about it and better about yourself. This is true (for me at least) wether or not im dressed (I dont dress around friends, but last nite two of my best female friends made me up for a night out, felt very comfortable) and wether or not the subject is around CD'ing.

Of course the guilt is all based on how you really feel about yourself and your CD'ing, and in the end no matter how many people you have around you that love and accept you for who you are, you still have to finally accept yourself. The friends just help :)

Take care hun
Dawn

Dawn you are an Angel what great Advise to give a sister.
Where is that Dam Reputation Meter when you need it
Good Job Dawn and Good Looking Too!

[Billijo49504]

Could it be you are doing the wrong thing. Or are you hiding your CD'ing from some one you care about? I have no guilt at all, even though I haven't come out to all the family. I am happy with who I am. And if you are feel bad about what you are doing, maybe you should get some counciling. It's not meant as a derogerty remark, but only as a suggestion, to find out why you are feeling guilty....BJ

[DawnLabelle]

I think this is *the most* important issue for crossdressers. Get rid of the guilt, but by the same token, get your girly self a conscience. Think about it.

Could you care to expand on that?, "get your girly self a conscience"?. Im pretty sure theres something quite meaningfull in that, I just dont get it :straightface:.


I used to feel guilty when I dressed as well. I think the first thing that needs to happen to remove the guilt feelings is for you to be comfortable with yourself and with what and who you are. For myself once I recognized that I was a crossdresser and that it was a part of me and was not going to go away, I felt good with myself. It is a part of me and it will always be a part of me. Now I like me and have no guilt about what I am or what I wear. Others can either except me for who and what I am or not. I don't care one way or another because I am me and I like me the way that I am.

I think this type of attitude is what we should all aspire for. I'd love that amount of confidence, both for Dawn, but for my regular guy life as well (I only dress from time to time).

You go girl :D
Dawn


The only thing that you've said that rings a little bit of an alarm bell for me is when you say you feel angry. Angry at who?....yourself?....try not to be angry with yourself because the only way to no guilt feelings is self acceptance, and self acceptance doesn't come easily if you already don't like yourself.

This is something I can totally relate to, and should have mentioned in my first response. I'd dress for whatever reason, generally take care of buisness (only recently is dressing losing its sexual edge with me, I can dress and enjoy the experience for what it is, its wierd but nice), quickly get undressed and hid my clothes away. The guilt would come first, then the anger that I was choosing this over having what I considered a "normal" life, angry that id let the possibility of letting go of having a loving wife, kids, all because I wanna femme up for time to time, and that led to a hell of alot of anger towards myself.

But have you ever thought about this, are the problems in your life, in you and in your (possible) relationships really ALL about the dressing?, or are you perhaps avoiding the real problems and projecting them into this horrible dressing?. I apologize if this seems pretentious of me, reading so much into a small comment, but it was completely true for me and took me a long time to realize it.

Take care
Dawn


Dawn you are an Angel what great Advise to give a sister.
Where is that Dam Reputation Meter when you need it
Good Job Dawn and Good Looking Too!

Thanks Rena, I sound more confidant than I really am ;), but helping others with positive messages helps me to drill it into my own head as well, so its a win-win. Try it yourself sometimes..... kind of like a pay it forwards thing.

Thanks for the compliment ;), first time out!!! :D (still a little giddy over it)
Dawn

[Julie Avery]

Could you care to expand on that?, "get your girly self a conscience"?. Im pretty sure theres something quite meaningfull in that, I just dont get it :straightface:.

For me, part of overcoming the guilt I felt about crossdressing, was making my crossdressed self live up to the same monogamous, faithful to my partner standards that my boy self had becomed accustomed to.

[Ms. Donna]

Several years back - when I was sorting myself out - I wrote the following regarding how guilt works :




Guilt And The Transgendered Individual
By: Donna Lynn Matthews, February 1998

As children, we have impressed upon sets of rules by our parents and others in positions of authority. At this stage of our life, we don't question the validity of these arbitrary rules, we, for the most part, follow them blindly feeling we must. These are must do rules and form the basis of our conscience.

As we mature, we find that we are in a constant struggle between our impulsive desires and the ideals set forth by society. Our conscience reflects this, producing anxiety, guilt and doubt. These checkpoints, so to speak, keep us from deceiving our selves. They alert us as to when we are acting contrary to our sense of self. They serve to remind not just of our place in our society and culture, but of our place in the whole of existence.

Our conscience works because we have the ability to weigh conflicts against an internal set of values. When presented with choice which we feel is in character with what we consider to be an internal ideal, we feel that we ought to act on it. This is different from the feeling that we must act on something. Must actions have as a part of them, an element of fear of reattribution lest one not comply (e.g.: we must obey the law.) Ought actions, on the other hand, are weighed against our self-image; they are value judgments. They carry no fear attached to them. While there is no imperative that one call one's parents, one may feel, never the less, that one ought to call them.

When a thought or action is contrary to our self-image, it produces guilt. Guilt is a strong emotion, rarely equating to a fear of punishment. Instead, guilt is indicative of a violation of some internal value; a kind of disgust at falling short of one's ideal sense of self. It is important to realize that we develop our life style, our sense of self, not solely by the ideals prescribed by society and culture, but by the integration of many different events and circumstances. Some elements we accept and some we reject. Many elements are internalize and refashion to suit our developing Self.

As transgendered individuals, guilt is a feeling we seem to know all too well. We experience so much guilt because we live in a society, which teaches us in no uncertain terms, that there are 'right' and 'wrong' ways for men and women to act. Not following the 'guidelines' set forth puts one at odds with deeply engrained societal expectations.

From our culture and experience, we synthesize an image of the ideal man or woman whose likeness we strive to emulate. For cisgendered individuals, this poses little conflict: men strive to be masculine and women strive to be feminine. As tansgendered individuals, we have a much tougher time of this. We internalized the societal ideal and add it to our value system. If (when) we act in opposition to this ideal, guilt sets in, leaving us with the sick feeling that we have once again failed to live up to that ideal. Many times, we simply stop acting in opposition. We repress the other ideal we have created; the one more true to ourselves.

On the other hand, by not acting on our urges, we also experience guilt. By not being true to our innermost self, we act in direct opposition to what feels most natural to us. We're dammed if we do, and dammed if we don't. We have developed a conflicting set of values: those prescribed by society at large, and those of our own persona. As a result, we try to be true to two opposing sets of values. Not a particularly good spot to be in.

So, which is right? On the one side there are Societal values, and on the other we have our personal values. We exert enormous amounts of energy trying to resolve this conflict. We read. We talk. We rationalize the hell out of what we do. In short, we spend out lives trying to come to terms with this conflict between the outer world and our inner self. And to what end? It always seems lead back to the same sense of guilt and shame. Clearly, something has to give.

Ultimately, we seem to reach a point where we realize that we are different than others. We start to deconstruct the standard issue societal stereotype, and in its place, create one which fits us better, one more in tune with who we are. Once done, the standard rule set no longer applies. It is at this point that the guilt starts to ease up. We start to accept ourselves for who we are and stop trying so hard to fit into the original societal stereotype. We are told, "You ought to be like thus and thus!" Why? Because the arbitrary morality of society would have us beleave that because we are different, there is something fundamentally wrong with us and somehow in need of correcting? I think not. We declare to ourselves, at the very least, that we are of equal validity as all other members of society. We are not in need of fixing. We're fine just the way we are.

And so we cope. Some better than others, but non the less, we make peace with ourselves, allowing the guilt we carry around to dissipate, leaving behind a stronger and more integrated individual.


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[DawnLabelle]

Thanks Julie, makes much more sense now :), and thats a great piece Donna, gonna have to read it a couple more times.

Dawn