Feeling lost

[StaceyJane]

I'm really struggling right now. Sometimes I wish I could just be a regular male and not have these transgender feelings. Other times I think the best thing would be to just start transitioning. I've been on hormones for awhile and have really liked the effects. I stopped seeing my counselor last week because I felt I had stopped making any progress.

Stacey

[Sarah Doepner]

Stacey,

I'm sorry to hear that but if it means anything you have a lot of company with those feelings. There were so many times I wished for a less complicated gender life, but it never happened. I've decided that everything I've done, from my first crossdressing experiments to starting hormones a couple months ago, has been some form of transition from the generic male to something new. With the fits and starts, peaks, valleys and plateaus, it's been a challenge the whole way but every step was validated against the question "does it make me feel better about myself?" Sometimes the period of "no progress" was a good chance to look at the less obvious aspects of my life. Having a chance from time to time to parse out all the various threads of life can help us figure out if the issue is gender, finances, work, a relationship, a different health problem or something else entirely.

I hope you pass through the struggle quickly and feel better about your life and options soon.

[pamela7]

time sometimes brings clarity, sounds like you're experiencing some fluidity at the moment. we're with you in spirit

[Lana Mae]

I know how that is! I discussed it with my counselor and will see OB/GYN when I get an appointment! Many days I had that, " to just be a man feeling" with no transgender thoughts! I know that is not who I am! I do not know if I will fully transition with surgery or not! I am just letting the journey lead me! I will continue seeing my counselor for her great insight and questions! She has been a great help with me seeing things for myself! Hugs Lana Mae

[kimdl93]

Seems like “feeling lost” is a good reason to return to your counselor. Progress is secondary...perhaps for some of us, illusory. At least one valid reason for seeking and staying In therapy is to manage moods. Progress might be best measured in terms of your ability to manage life’s ups and downs without getting stuck in an unhealthy emotional state.

[Eemz]

Sometimes I wish I could just be a regular male and not have these transgender feelings.


I'll share something that a gay friend of mine said to me a few years ago that helped me a lot, even though he didn't know at the time. He said "if there was some pill I could have taken years ago to not be gay I would gladly have taken it many times over, but if I had - I wouldn't be me any more. This isn't something I do, it's part of who I am".


Seems like “feeling lost” is a good reason to return to your counselor. Progress is secondary...perhaps for some of us, illusory. At least one valid reason for seeking and staying In therapy is to manage moods. Progress might be best measured in terms of your ability to manage life’s ups and downs without getting stuck in an unhealthy emotional state.

+1

[KymberlyOct]

Stacey, As I read your post I was reminded of members of my first support group at the Univ of MN. There were members of that group that had been there for years. They were still rehashing the same stuff "my wife won't let me tint my hair" blah blah. I wanted to scream. Sure they were nice people but they were like a dog chasing their tail. Going nowhere.

So this probably sound like I am going to tell you to get going and transition. Well..... nope.

What I suggest is
A. Find a new therapist, everyone should think their therapist is the best thing ever. If you don't then find a new one.

B. Do some real soul searching. Try to get to the bottom of who you are. Whoever that is then that's OK.
You may be trans, you may be a CD, you may just find it sexually arousing. I don't know I'm not you. How you are feeling could be lots of things. But you need to truly figure out who you really are and that's not easy. What is easy is lying to yourself. We all do it but then hopefully we stop.

C. Figure out why you are stuck. Is it from fear? Is it because you are confused? Is it because you have trouble identifying as one gender in particular?
Think about what your gender issues really are. Face them. That is the only way IMHO you will find your path forward.

If you are TG then you probably shoud transition, if you are NB then live that life, if you are CD great then live that life and stop looking for bigger answers.

D. Whatever you do motivate yourself to figure out - what is causing this? Ask yourself tough questions.

I joked in a recent post ... this is the practice life right? Unfortunately that was just a joke. This is the one shot. Figure out who you are and what you want and we will support you.

[Aunt Kelly]

I must echo Kymberly's advice - find another therapist. At the bottom of it all, therapy is two people talking. Not every therapist is equally effective as any other with a given patient. It's a dynamic thing that requires skill and sensitivity on the part of the therapist and trust on the part of the patient. Sometimes, it just doesn't happen. Getting answers to those tough questions is often scary, sometimes difficult, but those answers must come from you. So do the work. You're worth it, whatever the answers are.

[Katya@]

Hi Stacey,
I am one of the few who didn't have a gender therapist. I went to one meeting but she wasn't quite the right person. I could look for another but decided not to. I read a book by a gender therapist Dara Hoffma-Fox "You and your gender identity - a guide to discovery". After reading this book I became convinced I am a transgender and I have gender dysphoria. Once I identified that much, I looked at what was causing dysphoria. I started taking Finasteride, then started with facial electrolysis. Then, eventually I knew I needed more feminization. Each step was scary at first. i tipped my toes and check if it helps with dysphoria or not. All was pointing that I move in the right direction. You said that you felt good after starting on hormones but it plateaued. Do you work with endocrinologists? See what's going on. Maybe your dosage is not effective or other changes have happened that require the evaluation. Maybe it is a social thing and you need to be more out and feel accepted? Maybe it is my engineering mind, but I am applying the same troubleshooting techniques to my dysphoria as to any other real world problem. Good luck and don't give up.

[Devi SM]

Stacey,
I believe that you're not alone. Lots of us had had the same feeling and once I cried like a child asking god to change me but the dark cloud didnt leave but when I stop looking for the reason and just accept myself I was able to make big desicions and move to transition. Now i still sometimes ha ing some fears or concerns about the future but I know is gonna be as Vanessa, no other way, that brings me real happiness and peace what never happened when a male.

[Anne K]

A couple months ago, I came out to my younger brother (1 year apart). Of course, I was nervous. As I spoke to him, he listened carefully and replied,"You have to remember that I work in San Francisco. This is no big deal." I told him my new name and he asked if he should call me by that name. I explained that transitioning isn't just jumping off a cliff; it's more like sliding down a very long mountain with varying slopes. Some slopes feel like a vertical drop and others are gradual. Right now, he could call me by my old name. I hope that wasn't too cryptic! There will be ups, downs, moments of doubt, and moments of confidence.

I suggest that you find a new therapist. For me, the opportunity to just speak my mind is golden. I am a musician and have taken lessons from all manner of teacher. I have learned from each one.

[KymberlyOct]

Sorry I can't resist.

" You have to remember I work in San Francisco, this is no big deal"
I busted a gut. :D Joyce tell your brother he is my new favorite person. We should all move to San Francisco. !!!!

On a serious note, Stacy if you are out there reading this let us know how you are doing. We do care. We've been there in one way or another.

[ashleymasters]

Understood. I am so happy to be transitioning but for the sake of simplicity and my family. If I could just be content to be a male i would take it. I’m 6 180 lbs. naturally slim and muscular. Blue eyes and women have always told me I’m handsome. It would be so easy to just be thay great guy I was pretending to be if I only felt loke it was really me.

[KymberlyOct]

Ashley You have to be the real you. I give lots of opinions here and I know they are not right for everyone but one opinion I am pretty sure is correct - If you are living a lie you are going to be unhappy. And an unhappy person makes their friends and family unhappy as well.

Anne - If you read this update - I went down a few posts and saw that I typed Joyce when referring to your conversation with your brother.
What can I say? I am an idiot. :D
Sorry

[jaye_cd]

Progress might be best measured in terms of your ability to manage life’s ups and downs without getting stuck in an unhealthy emotional state.

This. So much this.

It is so easy to get in a down place and start questioning everything and feeling like one path you have been wandering down was a waste of effort. If you think your counselor is not helping you progress, perhaps look into seeing a different one for a while or at least bring this up to the one you are seeing now. It might be that they are not focusing on the things you want to, and that is causing you to feel like nothing is happening.

[ashleymasters]

Kimberly. I completely agree. I need to be my true self. I am choosing to do so. I only meant that it would be so easy and convenient to have been born with a body/gender I was happy with.