What are your wife’s limts?

[Carolina]

I’m interested in hearing the experience of others in their dressing and their wives. Did the SO’s opinions change over the years regarding your dressing? What are the limits they impose and are they becoming more or less permissive?

In my case we had a DADT relationship that is lately evolving to allowing some dressing. I dress, with proper underwear, skirt/blouse or dress, heels, hosiery, breast forms, with colored nails and toes with my mani pedis, hairless legs and chest, and all sorts of beauty creams at night. All of that is now somehow “allowed” in front of her (whereas it was a no no a few months ago and over many years). However her hard limit is make up or a wig. She explodes if I have either one of the two on.

I find it quite curious that she can stand her hubby dressed as a woman, but a wig or make up pushes her over the limit. I guess that now she can take the MIAD concept since there is a man in MIAD, but I seem to need more than that (although I’m very thankful for the evolution of her limits)

Is that a common limit?

I hope to push the boundaries a bit more...:daydreaming:

[Macey]

What a difficult question for me! I'm pretty new at this, and my wife was involved nearly from the get-go. My idea was shaper garments and women's clothes. She was the one who suggested a wig, shaving my arms and pits (legs were my idea), she suggested waxing my chest, she took me for my first pedicure, she and I came together on make up, etc.


When I do my best to 'doll up' for when she comes home from work, she tells me how pretty I am, when sitting about on a causal evening and my 'girl clothes' aren't 'girl', they're just 'clothes' to us … skirt and all … she tells me how proud she is of me. She tells me how much she loves my male side as well, but this is quite a journey for the both of us.


Can't wait to see what the future holds!

[Stacy Darling]

What the limits are depend on the wifes mood in my case!

I can be so flamboyant and accepted then drop my wrist and become MMMmm!

How we are perceived at a given time is how we must live to be!
Stacy

[~Joanne~]

What are the limits they impose and are they becoming more or less permissive?

Limits they impose, that alone upsets me that anyone would allow another person to ever impose any limits on them. My SO and I respect and love each other without any conditions or rules for each other. I would never "impose" anything on her and I expect the same in return. Mutual respect goes a long ways and if any of you don't have it, then your marriage is doomed from the get go but you just refuse to see it.

Did the SO’s opinions change over the years regarding your dressing?

My SO is a solid, supportive, and caring person no matter if it's the dressing or not. I am sure she probably doesn't understand it but I am sure she knows I have no control over this too. I can not stop it or stop doing it no matter how hard I may want to and she doesn't have a problem with it.

She is smart enough and secure enough in her own person that she doesn't see this as hurting anyone or anything. This morning I dressed for about an hour and then changed back (due to my legs not being 100% today) and all she said was "done already?'. She has no hangs up with this. Never has.

[Carolina]

Actually out of respect and the vows we exchanged many years ago I do consider her thoughts and situation. She married a man and she finds herself with that man wanting to dress like a woman, she doesn’t know what is happening to her husband or whether this crossdressing can go further into something else. Out of respect for me is why she tries to tolerate the vision of her husband as a woman. The limits of what she can take are there exactly for the mutual respect we have for each other. I respect her concerns and try to abide by what she deems to be too much for her to take. After all, my CDing is a curve ball thrown at her, completely undeserved.

If we didn’t respect each other we wouldn’t listen to the other and wouldn’t take into account the other’s concerns. That’s doomsday for any marriage in my view. My freedom stops where the other person’s starts. I cannot and should not impose my crossdressing on her, out of the respect I have for my wife (one of the smartests persons one can find).One of the key reasons why I have not taken my crossdressing and potentially transition any further is exactly for the respect I have for my wife. If I didn’t care for her I would probably be living full time as Carolina.

In my case I may be repressing who I meant to be out of respect for my wife. I’m grateful to her since despite the repulse she feels when seeing that side of me she is willing to repress those feelings.

All in all a decent compromise that I’d love to take further, with her on board ideally.

[Micki_Finn]

You “push the boundaries” at your own risk, especially since your wife has not only made clear what her limits are, but also recently relaxed them for you.

If you’re really want to know the limits in my relationship, my wife has asked that I not get bottom surgery, and thats the extent of it.

[Gillian Gigs]

I believe in boundaries, and the ones I live within are more of my choosing, than from my wife. In the early days she had many concerns which have melted away over the years. My boundaries are to not go out visibly dressed, or attempt to pass. I don't see myself as passing and don't try to in any way, shape, or form. As my main thing is underdressing, this is something that nobody would notice. Being bit of a lazy sort in some things, I hardly ever do make-up and wigs are a hassle to me. I really couldn't tell you whether this would bother her or not, as it is just something I almost never do anyway.

My wife in the early days had a difficult time when it came to bras, and forms. Really frilly nightgowns were another problem also. One day she came to me and apologized to me regarding the nightgowns and said that she had no right to impose on me, and I could wear whatever I liked. With the bras, I asked her to help me buy a bra, and from that point onward it didn't bother her any more. Go figure on that one. When I started to shave and trim, she made a couple of comments asking why I was doing it, but didn't express any strong views. She knows that I really love wearings nylons, whether stay ups, or pantyhose and I told her that they feel so much better with shaved legs. Enough said on that one. As her boundaries came down in the bedroom and around the house, I started to live more and more dressing as I desired.

My wife is very helpful when it comes to clothes shopping, and I also have helped her with her shopping. Her favourite store now, is one that I encouraged her to go to and we often end up both getting something. Through own mutual love and respect for each other we have found our happy ground. I big thing to remember is that I have little to no desire to totally look and pass for a woman. I wear lingerie, hosiery, skirts and some shoes, I guess someone could say I'm a MIAD, and that is about the way I want it, so they are really my boundaries, not hers.

PS: She has for the most part considered my thing for nylons and lingerie as being my kinky fetish, which I refer to a being a quirk.

[Nikki A.]

When my wife was alive, we had certain limits on what would and not bother her. Clothing was OK in private, but wigs or a bra were hard for her to handle. She did have some psychological issues that got worse as time went on and what was acceptable did vary depending on her mood.
Joanne, you're right, no one should impose their will on us. But in a relationship there has to be some give and take to be workable.

[Macey]

Carolina, it sounds like you have mutual love and respect for one another. That's the key, I think. A marriage is three relationship. Your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your wife as an individual, and your relationship to the entity that is your marriage. If your foundation from the start was love and respect, you can figure it out together!

[SHINY-J]

My wardrobe before I got married was extensive and amazing. I purged the entire thing before I got married as I hid my dressing from her.

A couple of years in, I told her that I had “dressed” before, but I dint go at detail about how extensive and vast my wardrobe was or how often and how completely dressed... it was more, just me wearing panties as I loved the feel of satin. She was noticeably uncomfortable with just my mentioning of having done this, so I didn’t elaborate... she continued to bring it up over the next few weeks... and eventually seemed to accept it, albeit VERY reluctantly.

However, things seemed to get better as we started going shopping and began buying more and more lingerie and clothing for her that was stuff that I actually like and wanted for myself... As time went on, she agreed to buy me some panties as long as they could pass for men’s briefs,... Eventually, she loosened up and I was able to get her to buy me satin panties, thongs, etc in any color style, cut, etc. for me,... I felt like I finally had a foot in the door... every piece of underwear I now had was panties. She allowed my to wear them everyday under my guy clothes and at night, I slept wearing nothing but them. obviously, I wanted more, but I also didn’t want to push my luck. I still hadn’t asked for lingerie, heels, boots, wigs, breast forms, etc.., but I was still just thankful for having panties. She was also quite tall a 5’ 10” and so sometimes I could get away with wearing her stuff when the urge struck... it didn’t fit very well and was uncomfortable, but I could just squeeze into certain heels, corsets, bras, teddies, bustiers, garter belts, etc..

I also loved wearing my panties while we had sex. I just loved the feeling of satin panties cradling my butt and goodies. Lol... she didn’t care for it very much, but I did it whenever I could.

This went on for a couple of years and one New Year’s Eve, we went to a party and got REALLY drunk and high. We got home and were still drunk and rolling... we laid down feeling pretty great and snoozed in and out.. for a bit. She dozed off and I then snuck out of bed and went into her walk-in closet... I put on a black leather cage teddy of hers that I had gotten her that she never wore, and then squeezed into a pair of her red thigh high boots that I had also gotten her, but she had never worn.... and then snuck back into bed while she dozed and crawled on top of her... at first, while coming out of her daze, she seemed excited and happy to see me, but then she felt the cage teddy and her eyes opened wide and the she took it all in and it turned into a whine almost sounding like “not while you’re dressing like this)... I stood my ground and we ended up having sex and it was intense and amazing for both of us! We both then fell asleep -me still wearing the teddy and thigh high boots. I wasn’t about to pass the opportunity to be dressed in something other than panties as I felt like we finally turned a corner!

Well. I woke up hours later and she was already out of bed. I got up and walked down the hallway still fully dressed and the boots click-clacked down the hardwood floors. I walked into the living room thinking I would find her happy to see me, but she was curled up on the couch looking frustrated and upset. She looked even more disgusted when she saw me still wearing nothing but a black leather cage teddy and red vinyl thigh high platform boots. She told me to leave and take it off.. which I did feeling pretty embarrassed and defeated.

It was an uncomfortable New Year’s Day and things slowly eroded from there...

Needless to say, I’m not married anymore.

[alwayshave]

In my marriage and ten years of relationship prior, it really has been my limits not hers.

[Leonora]

No bra's and no full dress for sure. It just panties and pajamas for me. Well and painted toes every now and then.

[biancabellelover]

My situation has some similarities to yours, Carolina! I only started crossdressing a little under two years ago, and I told my wife immediately. She is comfortable with my dressing, and even buys me clothes and gives me fashion advice. She mostly likes my hairless body and my B cup breasts.

But... she doesn’t want me wearing makeup or wigs, and doesn’t want me dressed in public.

I understand this, and I understand her feelings behind her decision. Because I love and respect my wife I don’t push my boundaries beyond her comfort level.

Michelle.

[BeckyAnderson]

My wife is okay with my dressing. I get fully dressed with make up and wigs at home often. I get dressed up and go out frequently to any place I would go as a male. She'll buy me makeup and clothes but she will not go out with me in public.

Becky

[Alexandra Collins]

Thanks Carolina, this is a very interesting topic. I just started dressing 9 months ago at age 56. I told my SO of 5 years right away, and she has been supportive as far as dressing, shopping for clothes with me and for me, lending me her clothes (except underwear), shoes (we are the same size) and jewelry, teaching me how to use makeup, and going out with me when I'm dressed. However she is not attracted to me when I'm dressed, which I can totally understand. So our relationship, already more of best friends thing before my dressing, has continued in that vein, with a hope on both our parts that we can get back to our previous normal "couples" relationship.

I am sure it must be frustrating for you that she draws the line at makeup and hair. Maybe you need to try to understand why that is, perhaps through couples counseling?

[char GG]

My husband started dressing six years ago. At the time, I had never seen a CDer or knew that was even a "thing" other than comedians on television. There was a learning curve at first. He is only interested in going out dressed, staying home would be boring to him.

My personal limit is not about dressing (the "clothes") but about behavior. He was the facilitator of a social group for five years and I have witnessed both good and bad behaviors from others. My opinions about behavior are not a secret.

We are both independent people. I would never tell him how to or how often to dress. However, I have a right to walk away from the entire situation if it gets beyond my personal limits.

[kimdl93]

To be brutally honest with myself and you, I obviously overwhelmed the tolerance my wife had by dressing completely, by consistently trying to introduce it into our sexual relationship and expressing the belief that I might be transgender. She tried, valiantly imho, to accept and the effort made her physically ill. She finally asked me to leave, and nine month later we were divorced.

[RADER]

We where married for over 19 years When we first met on a blind date, I dropped a hint, 2ND date,
a bigger hint, and on the third I told her my desires to wear women's clothes.
The rules where, Do not shave chest hair, ( I have a lot of that) she liked to run her fingers through
it. and 2 ND, do not go out of the house dressed, as to embarrass her.
I could dress with a baby doll nightie in bed at night, and that was OK.
I miss her, she has been gone over 6 years now, but I still follow the rules.
Rader

[Beverley Sims]

My wife knew from the outset, there were some limitations that were overcome with slight pushing of the boundaries.
This took time and these days me as a woman is quite normal.

[Sometimes Steffi]

DADT. Then, now and forever.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

There has been no change in her acceptance since I got serious about crossdressing almost 12 years ago, except that she doesn't go into a hissy fit. And, I don't expect any changes in the remainder of my life.

Unfortunately for her, I always have a fantastic time when I go out with the girls and she misses all that fun. Her loss.

[KymberlyOct]

There seem to be 3 common themes in this thread.
1. My wife is OK with it and there are no major issues.
2. There is some stress but we work around it with compromise.
3. I hope to push the limits more with time.

#3 is a slow motion train wreck IMO. If someone's need to CD is motivating them to behave in a manipulating way that is causing problems in their relationship that is a HUGE red flag. Not because there is anything wrong with your feelings but it is not being handled in a healthy way.

The failure to address this issue in a more positive way is a recipe for either a divorce or two very unhappy people.
If you truly love someone there is no manipulation rather honesty and hopefully compromise. And sometimes sadly, you have to follow different paths.

[JenniferGirl]

Love the input on this thread.

I am looking to get started being active after years of dormancy raising my family and building my career and appreciate all of the feedback. I am currently seeing a therapist dealing with my crossdressing and depression, the latter of which has gotten worse over the past several years, and even the thought of getting more active in crossdressing is lifting my mood, but I need to talk to my wife about how she feels about it and how it works into our relationship. Ideally, I am looking to fully dress and go out at least once a month with another, or other, crossdressers and attend a week long conference every year. I am looking forward to hearing more about how you work with your wife in your crossdressing.

[Andrea Renea]

I dress in what ever I want around the house. She is OK with it.

If I go out, I better not get caught by someone we know. She typically does not go out with me
locally (only a hand full of times) for that reason. She has been out with me when we were out of town.

I run my errands on weekends dressed, even pick-up things at Walmart, gas stations, Post Office, etc..

[sara66]

My wife's conditions are pretty simple.
1) she doesn't want to see it
2) she will talk about it on a limited basis
3) I can go out once a year. This I could probably push to 2 times.
4) don't spend too much money, she has yet to define this but I am a bargain shopper.

She also has this idea I need another wig. This is the one thing she keeps bring up. One of these days I may take her up.

Sara

[Macey]

Sara,

If she's bringing up another wig, get another wig! Or have her choose!

[RachelPortugal]

We just have some mutually agreed boundaries.

Rachel is not allowed in the marital bed, but as I have slept naked for as long as I can remember it does not really affect me, so female nightwear is only worn for relaxing in before bedtime.

No heels before breakfast due to the noise on the stone floors.

When we go out as girlfriends, my wife expects me to wear clothes to blend, she is and always has been self-conscious about the public in general.

She is not attracted to Rachel, so I have to curb my dressing at times, if you know what I mean, :winkp: .

Generally, she has become more accepting to the extent that she even bought my latest shoes and wig after selecting them together.

[Judy-Somthing]

My wife believes in D A D D (Don't Ask, Don't Do)!

[Linda E. Woodworth]

My wife is all over the spectrum from Acceptance to barely tolerating depending on God knows what. I've never been able to figure it out.

I've been out but nothing regularly or consistent. I am trying to expand this but she doesn't like it.

I'm not now nor have I been interested in transitioning or living enfemme 24/7. I've been up front about that from the beginning but that has no impact with her.

The first time she saw me with a wig on it rocked her back on her heels. I'd gone from a man in a dress to presenting as female.

I partially dress without makeup or a wig quite often at home and she's fine with that. I'm always conscious of dressing too much in front of her as that's been an issue in the past. YES, her limits and boundaries do tend to be fluid and that makes things difficult for me.

We don't talk about "Linda" much. Any time I bring up the topic she can't change the topic fast enough or just shuts the entire conversation down.

I'm grateful it isn't a DADT situation but it is still a struggle.

[faltenrock]

My wife's conditions are pretty simple.

1) she doesn't want to see it (anmore, last time was about 2000)
2) she will talk about it on a limited basis
3) I can go out on my business trips when I'm pretty far away from home
normally that's about 15-25 days a year
4) I should never go out in distance where people could recognize me

Usually I'm about 150 and more miles away, but in these cases I go out all day.

[Marcia Blue]

My wife is quite accepting. I can go out fully dressed pretty much when ever time allows. She shops with me, while I am in drab. She does not have a desire to go with me dressed. She has limits on what she wishes to see. At home in can dress fully except, wig and full makeup. Lipstick, and occasionally, eye makeup is allowed. I sleep in a gown 99% of the time.

[Tina June]

My wife is generally tolerant of my dressing. We go out together on the weekends and as long as I am dressed age appropriate and with only the lightest makeup she is OK with it. She is less happy when people say "Hello Ladies" when we stop for lunch, and ask if we want separate checks. She also does not like me using my femme name. She has told me not to have any sort of surgery. I consider myself very fortunate for her acceptance.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DADT marriage. When we were newly married she found me one night standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water in one of her nightgowns. Not knowing women's sizes I had bought one for her which was too big. I told her I liked the feel of the nylon which was true. The short story is we ended up incorporating nightgown for me. I ended up with three nightgown; one of which I still have (pink peignoir). I did not wear them all the time. We also incorporated nylons and a garter belt. I slowly started buying nylon slips which were not incorporated into bedroom play. I did not hide them. They were just in a gift box in the bottom draw of my armoire. One day our three year old daughter pulled the draw open and yanked out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra. That precipitated "The Talk." Yes, it was all those traditional questions. When she realized my love of nylon had gone off in a different direction that just bedroom play that was it. She said "If I wanted to be married to a woman I would have married a woman!" I tried to make some headway in her rejection position. When I finally convinced her all I wanted for my birthday were some panties we went to our local Mervyn's. She was trembling. It was really upsetting her. Although we did end up buying some panties for me I decided I was inflicted mental spousal abuse by pushing her. I decided Stephanie was going to be a private affair. She had told me it was alright with her if I wanted to join a support group. I looked. Back in the early 1980's there were none.

She is aware I buy women's clothing and wear them in her absence. Stephanie comes out when she is working for the day. On occasion she has found a bra or panty I failed to put away. She just tells me she put them on top of the dryer. Once I failed to rid my water balloon falsies which she found. The latest was when I walked away from the computer leaving this site up. I thought I would return to it before she would come home. All she said was I should be more careful about closing out a session. So, it is a deep DADT. There are no snide comments. Nothing.

Is she accepting? I believe she has come to realize my desire to wear women's clothing has nothing to do with any inadequacies with her. She also realizes it is what it is. I told her I do not know why I do what I do, and, wish I was not a cross dresser.

When she was purging her old nightgowns from the back of the walk in closet that white peignoir I bought her ended up in the donation pile. She told me I could take what I wanted. Given these were from when she was a petite five foot two woman none fit her and would not fit me, except for that white one. I did take it and freshly laundered it. Two Xerox boxes of vintage (1970-1990) negligees were donated to a local charity. There were some really nice and exciting nights for a lot of women in the general area.

[Confucius]

My wife knows that crossdressing makes me happy, and she can live with that, but she also has her limits.
First of all, she doesn't like talking about it.
Second, she married a man, and she expects it to stay that way.
Third, she appreciates keeping it all private and in the safety of the home.

This means she is okay with me wearing slips and nightgowns to bed. She tolerates me walking around the house in a skirt or dress. She will tell me if something looks good on me, or if something is unacceptable. So that means wigs and makeup are beyond her boundaries.

That leaves me as a MIAD. I'm okay with that. I know she has her needs, and I have mine. Somehow the MIAD has been a good compromise.

[DarciInTx]

Judy-Something, DADD sounds rather severe. How do you deal with that?

[Tanya silk stocking]

My wife doesn't mind what I wear as long as our kids don't see me em femme as which of i totally agree

[Devi SM]

Nothing is common but general rejection from wives, so
Would be the common option DADT.
In my case was chaotic my out as bisexual cd.
She accepts me dressing but doesn't like me make up because this was really bad (not enough time practice while in the closet) my dressing was too sensual and sexual so she didn't like it but let me dress whenever I want at home. Them I improve the make up and realize that the less the best, more natural as going out to the street dressing evolved to more casual not sexy, She wasn't happy.
On transition still not being happy going out with me dressed but tolerates it because I need it.
At home normally I'm like a woman.
As HRT changes your body, bra is a need 24/7 as well tuck.
Wife has understood that life hasn't been easy for me and is more supportive going out with me and burying together stuff.

[JocelynJames]

I believe my wife’s limits are that nobody (relatives or friends) should find out. Other that that , wear what I want. I may get an eyebrow raise now and then, but that’s about it.

[Teresa]

Carolina,
Even beyond a separation my wife is attempting to set limits , she knows gradually she is losing her self imposed battle ( that battle is of her making not mine ). According to my daughter she now appears to be suggesting I'm replacing her in the maternal role as I'm going to do the Xmas day meal dressed for my daughter and her family . I've told her in an Email that is not what my dressing is about . This is the problem with DADT , sensible talking doesn't happen, at some point it has to happen otherwise you may well end up in my situation . This is why I've always said DADT is only a short term compromise it can lead to so many problems with denial and damaging suppression , long term mind games can't be sustained .

It's not so much pushing boundaries as to coming to terms with a powerful force that for some doesn't let up . The exterior elements are just a window to what you feel inside .
I do understand the wig / makeup barrier , for me and obviously your wife it's when the man disappears , it's also why MIAD doesn't work for me , I want the male elements gone , the internal needs/feelings have come together with the external appearance , it may not be a woman but I'm content being Teresa .

[ElianaFrozenflame]

Both my desire to dress and my wife's acceptance has grown over the years. At first, it was bedroom only. Nightgowns on some nights.

Once she learned about transgender people, and people who crossdress, she was encouraging me to explore this side of me more.

She was, admittedly, conflicted, which I understand. She did not want to hold me back, but also did not want to loose her man. I did reassure her that I had no intention to transition. We had a rule that I would never go out in public dressed.

Several years later, my thinking on going out in public changed. I talked to her about going out with me in public, and even doing some voice training to sound more like a woman. The voice thing was a bit too much at that moment, but she seems to have warmed up to the idea, if that meant I still had my original voice (of course!). She also seems open to the idea of going out with me dressed in public. We still have not yet done that (I am not ready, I am still trying to "pass". That is "pass" to myself, not to others).

She helps me with makeup, outfit choices, and loves to buy me new skin products.

Behind closed doors, with just her and I, there are no limits. However, I spend a good amount of time in male mode. There are plenty of close friends and associates that I would never come out to. That has more to do with my own limits than hers.

[Steph_CD_62]

My wife's limits vary from day to day. Most of the time she doesn't want me out in public dressed, but last year on vacation I asked about wearing my breast forms on the drive and she didn't care. I went to her work once in women's jeans and tennis shoes and got out of the car when her boss was there and she didn't have a problem. Another time I was wearing women's jeans and blouse but she started to freak because I was going to check the mail even though I was wearing a coat and no one could see. Just today I was on the front porch with her wearing women's jeans, sweater, breast forms and jewelry and she didn't seem to care.

Like I said it varies from day to day on her limits.

[Teresa]

I must admit the moving of goal posts does become wearing , not knowing what the boundaries will be in the morning .

[Teri Ray]

I find myseld among the lucky crossdressers who has a wife that makes effort to understand and support to the extent she can. We discuss dressing openly share thoughts and feelings about my desire (and her feelings about my desires). She shops with me and we paint each others toes and nails. She has stated her limits and boundaries and all I need to is understand them and meet them. In return she is mindful of my need to have a dressup day on occasion. I believe we are both evolving in the crossdressing relationship and continue to learn more. I will say that since I have become completly open about my dressing my wife and I share a lot more in general not just crossdressing. I believe that my wife also has found some benefit to having a crossdressing hubby. When I recall our days of DADT compared to today I find we are both much happier. Thanks for letting me share these thoughts about my wonderful wife. Like I said I am lucky.

[Glenda58]

Wife knows but doesn't want to see or here any of it. She will go away for a day to let me dress but I have to have all makeup off when she gets home and she will call before she comes home. I told her before we got married that I dressed but she didn't ask how much which is now causing problems.

[TheHiddenMe]

My wife knows, and is reasonably tolerant. She doesn't mind if I dress at home but doesn't want me to go out. She fears I will be discovered and people will feel sorry for her that she is married to a CD.

Two years ago when she was out of town I arranged four days out doing things on my bucket list. She called and asked what I was doing and I told the truth; I had been out dressed.

She was unhappy and said "lie to me." So for a number of my outings I don't tell her (I went out Wednesday and Friday without telling her). I went to Cleveland in August for a couple of triathlons and went out dressed and didn't tell her.

For a handful of my outings, I do tell. I belong to a TG group that has monthly dinners, so I let her know. I went out the day before Halloween and told her. She doesn't seem to be tremendously upset when I do.

So it's not a perfect solution, but I get to scratch my itch and she gets a pretty good husband in exchange for her tolerance.

[JeanTG]

Judy-Somthing, you hit the nail right on the head. That's my situation too. I foolishly thought it could be DADT, but no matter how hard I tried to hide it, she could always tell, and would explode about it and make my life very unpleasant.

So I pulled back. I haven't really dressed in months except for a half hearted effort recently (no makeup, women's jeans, women's denim shirt). However it wasn't all bad, my pink fog had become a serious obsession and pulling back helped me cool down. I even went back to male underwear (she tolerates panties), as panties was my gateway drug.

I miss it though. I wisely didn't purge, so in case of emergency I can "break the glass" i.e. head up into the attic and get a quick fix.

Oh and in case people are wondering, I told my wife before we married of my proclivities. More than 30 years ago...

[beckypanties]

Still working on the courage to have "the talk" with my wife. She has known about my underwear preferences for a good number of years and has been supportive of that. Just last night she offered me a pair of her PJ pants to wear while lounging in front of the TV, but I didn't take the bait. I am weak.

[Karen RHT]

My wife's limits move with her mood. There are things in our life, unrelated to my crossdressing, that frustrate her. When frustrated she becomes quite ill tempered, out right hostile and argumentative in some cases. Once she calms down and a day or two passes, she'll ask if I need something, gift me with something, or tell me to buy something. The one constant limit is that I not leave the house for an outing or attend any form of social function. She will literally explode if I suggest I'm going to attend a function as Karen.


Karen

[Crissy 107]

beckypanties, I don’t understand why you did not take your wife up on her offer to let you wear a pair of her PJ pants. I don’t see any downside to accepting the offer. I think it could have been a small step in the right direction. Crissy

[Krisi]

My wife's limits are pretty simple - Don't go out of the house where neighbors can see me and don't let anyone know. I'm pretty much OK with that but I have gone out several times. I go out and come home underdressed and dress and undress in the car, away from the neighborhood.

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Carolina...

Wow! Your presmissions are pretty good.

I introduced my wife to this side of my personality about three months after we met. She handled it pretty well and has accepted that I do it pretty much from the get go. Having said that she does not wish to see me dressed at all or know if I am underdressing. She is ok with giving me dressing time without us going into details but always prefers to see her man as her man when in person.

Do I wish for more openness in our own house? Yes, that would be nice as I do not wish to dress 24/7 but simply wear what I want as I please pretty much as she can. All-in-all the arrangement works for us both and I do not foresee any movement on our positions in the future; pretty much the same for more than two decades.

[Lea]

The only limitation is not going out and about. We live in a small town and we have gone out for Halloween but at least an hour away from home. Where I worked I would have been fired if found out.
She has helped me shave in the fall, worked with me on makeup, bought me clothing and even stopped at my elderly mothers so I could dress for multiple days in a row.

[Asew]

My wife is way more accepting than I ever thought she could be. But she still has limits, based on the kids and what my wife is comfortable with.

[beckypanties]

beckypanties, I don’t understand why you did not take your wife up on her offer to let you wear a pair of her PJ pants. I don’t see any downside to accepting the offer. I think it could have been a small step in the right direction. Crissy

I have a hard time understanding it too. I find it difficult to open up and make myself vulnerable. It goes beyond just dressing.

[Lux]

Amazing wife, fully accepting..and I constantly tell her how much I appreciate it. I can dress whenever I want, keep all my clothes in the closet and she evens lets me keep my make up on her side of the bathroom drawers! Whoa!
She will almost always go out with me when I’m dressed up and is fine if I want to go out by myself but I much prefer her company. Pretty much the only rule she would like me to adhere to is when I buy some articles of female clothing, that I donate some older articles to make space. Still working on that ;). While I feel truly blessed, this is a reminder that there are a few women out there that can accept this crazy side of us. It’s all about being honest, going slowly and communicating everything....

[Elizabeth G]

My wife learned of my crossdressing just over two years ago and it has not been easy but over that stretch she has slowly adapted her limits from wishing it would all just go away and questioning if this was going to be a show stopper for us to where we are are currently. I now keep my toenails painted all the time, wear panties exclusively (some of which she has given me), keep my clothes in the closet, can go as far as MIAD presentation at home with her, and she also arranges to be out from time to time in order to give me time to fully dress.

It is a fluid and continually evolving situation albeit slowly. I'm sure she would be happy if it did just miraculously end but there's certainly no talk of divorce over it and sometimes we share jokes about it.

[Rhonda Jean]

My wife's limits ran sort of an opposite timeline. When we first married at 20 I had long hair, long nail, shaved, etc.. We married and moved away to a place where nobody knew us and both held menial jobs. For both of us, the anonymity afforded by living on our own in a new place gave us complete freedom. She was encouraging and her acceptance was pretty much limitless, and I took advantage. Fast forward 30 years. A couple of kids, and on our way to being empty nesters. More money, more social accountability. Her social circle to a large degree did not include me. She was often embarrassed to be seen with me. We didn't talk about it. She feared I would transition after the kids were gone. I wouldn't have, but I was certainly showed all the indications. Fear of that, increasing disgust with my appearance, newfound freedom in her own life, a job and a separate social life from me, and a feeling that she'd missed out on things in her life because of me and a desire to be with a real man led to the sudden end of our marriage. So, over the course of 30 years her acceptance went from 100% to Zero.

The lesson from this is that you have to talk about it, and that doesn't mean asking her if your dress is too short. In my case I thought that since she knew from the beginning, we didn't have to talk about it. I thought that because my clothes were right there in the closet(s) that we didn't have to talk about it. Because I went out of town to do my thing with her full knowledge and permission (encouragement), I thought we didn't need to talk about it. Believe me, we needed to talk about it.

[JeanTG]

The lesson from this is that you have to talk about it, and that doesn't mean asking her if your dress is too short. In my case I thought that since she knew from the beginning, we didn't have to talk about it. I thought that because my clothes were right there in the closet(s) that we didn't have to talk about it. Because I went out of town to do my thing with her full knowledge and permission (encouragement), I thought we didn't need to talk about it. Believe me, we needed to talk about it.

My problem is that it's my wife who doesn't want to talk about it most of the time. And when she does, it's usually as part of an emotional meltdown on her part, which leaves very opportunity to discuss calmly and rationally.

[Rhonda Jean]

Jean,

I still don't know how to talk about it, and it's not like it was ever mentioned in my marriage. Some of the things I did say were, "It's not just a want. It's a need" and "It's just who I am". I could go on. I'm sure everybody gets the drift. Combine statements like this with my apparent obsession with feminization that was just unending, the obvious conclusion is that I was transitioning. It had come up, and when it did I always said I wasn't, but just denying it is different from having an ongoing dialog. It might not have helped in my case. Thing is, I did not transition and had no intention of transitioning. Whatever I did or said before the divorce was not sufficient to convince her of that. She was 1000% convinced that as soon as the kids were out of the house I was transitioning. She was further convinced by "our" therapist (long story) who told her (and me) that I was certainly TS, and another counselor who advised her to get out of the marriage. She believed them over me. It was easier for her to talk to them than to me.

[Laura28]

My wife’s on limit is no make up or wig in front of her. Yet she like me to send her pics when I travel for work all done up. She is supportive and encourages me. No problem with me in panties bra nylons forms or in a dress. She like me shaved smooth and with nail polish she likes our toes to match. In fact she likes my DD forms she says they make a great pillow when we are cuddling. I would like to her to meet the full Laura but she says she isn’t ready for that? Funny after 40 years together but she just can’t see Laura all done up in person???

[Michaelasfun]

I'm pretty close to your situation; typically I wear crop tops and shorts around the house and even toenail polish, but the limit of makeup is usually some lip gloss. However, I am happy that I get away with that much in front of her!

[Georgia K]

My wife has never put limits on me .Its more me that does and she encourages it .She just wants me to be happy .Although at this early stage of crossdressing im mainly wearing womens underwear and short skirts and shaving legs chest and armpits .And have no desire to go out dressed like a female but I do like to wear the underwear under my male clothes

[JennB]

Boundaries with a spouse are a very interesting balancing act for all of us, even with spouses who are "accepting" of varying levels of dressing or activity when dressing. I am fortunate to have a SO who doesn't mind my dressing, helps many times with makeup etc, and doesn't mind if dressed for intimate time together. But there are boundaries. I know she wouldn't be comfortable with family and friends knowing I dressed (nor would I at this point - not judging, just my personal position at this time). So, to avoid that possibility, dressing has just been an at home thing, when we are confident no-one is likely to stop over. But like many here, as you stretch your experience, and probably not unlike a drug to a degree, the desire to expand the experience is there. So, I contemplate the "outing" to go be dressed in public somewhere away from home sometime. I know that would be a stretch of my wife's current perception of her boundaries, but would it be a modification, not a break since it would keep the spirit of privacy even in public by doing so in an environment where the boundary of others knowing would still be kept through anonymity? Probably. But maybe not. It is something we will have to discuss and evaluate. But what if she says not to that. It leaves me with a curiosity or desire that may feel unfulfilled, right? And that is where an example of our balance comes in. We balance the boundary that we want to stretch, a personal desire, with the value of the relationship we have and how much more or less that means to us than something we want to do dressed. It can be a hard balance to keep, and to evaluate. I know for many it has resulted in ended relationships. I can only speak for me personally, but if it meant giving up dressing completely to keep my wife, I would. I know I have the right wife for me and we make the best team together for our lives I could imagine in every other area of our life, so dressing is just a small thing. But that begs the question, would I be saying that if I was with a SO who didn't accept the dressing I do at home as my wife does? Probably not. The other two long(ish) term relationships I had earlier in life weren't comfortable with my dressing and didn't end up lasting. Maybe to some degree that was the case because they weren't the right ones that would accept my dressing and I was just waiting to find the right wife who did so I could be more of who I am in the best relationship possible. Who knows, maybe its just fate. The balance in a relationship is a very interesting ebb and flow, but it doesn't work without communication. If I was giving any piece of advice to anyone here about boundaries with a SO, its talk about them. Never surprise a SO, never try to push them just for selfish reasons, be mindful of the fact that a good relationship is a team approach between two people that actually love each other for who they are and who want their partner to be who they really are, not just an act that delivers what they expect a norm to be.

[KelleyB]

I consider myself quite lucky, in that, my SO knew about my love for half slips long before we were married, and she doesn't mind, even suggests, I dress when I'm home.

She suggested just this Tuesday, after we arrived home from being out all day. Her needing the loo, and knowing she needed it for about an hour, beforehand, she knows gets me 'worked up'.

Skirt/blouse, dress, formal dress, sometimes just a few half slips with a bra and a partially-open blouse. Depends on my mood, but I don't shave (other than my face), don't do panties/hose, or makeup/hair, so I'm just her husband wearing different clothes.

I love it when she strokes me through my dress/skirt, then ventures underneath, and does the same through a few slips. Honestly, I like to dress her up, too, and then we 'play'.

I will never go out, or tell anyone else who knows who I am. That's asking for trouble, IMO. I have a near-perfect cross-dressing environment, and I intend to keep it that way.

[Jennifer2918]

I'm in DADT marriage. She knows I go out late night /early morning, but does not want to know what I am doing and 'i better not get in any trouble'. She is with me when I purchase panties, was with me when I got my first pair of nylons, but doesn't want anything to do with any other female clothes.

I'm glad for what I have and don't want to lose it, so for now, it is what it is....

[fly2188]

Initially my wife didn’t like me wearing panties, but she got used to that. Then she wouldn’t give me hugs or cuddle if I were wearing a bra. She got used to that and now will hug me when we’re both topless. Her new limit is me wearing dresses, but we’ll see how long that lasts

[Carolina]

My wife’s boundaries keep shifting a bit. One step forward, one backwards. Today she was less than happy seeing me with my white blouse and bra underneath with the obvious forms on. She seemed ok with my skirt, hairless legs, pink tonails and wedges, but the bra and forms may have tipped her over the limit. Oh well, I may need to keep trying since unfortunately (or finally) this side of me is shouting to get out more and more... I just feel at peace when I’m Carolina...

[annecwesley]

My wife's two biggest concerns is that our children would find out and that degree of my crossdressing will grow. Another odd issue is comes from essentially social-religious issues. We both see crossdressing as a psychological condition, so the current political climate and the adding of "T" to the LGB movement complicates things.

With that she is fairly tolerant of the fact that I dress privately almost daily, and reluctantly accepting of my occasionally dressing around her. I have a much more drab style when I dress around her, sometimes I'll just wear a skirt and underthings (breast on her hussband are a bit much for her!) She knows too that I wear feminine attire under my walking kilts when I'm venturing out on the local trails.We shop thrift stores together ands she has occasionally buys me clothes she thinks I would like. She wavers between not wanting to encourage me to dress in women's clothing to wanting me to be happy.

Her tolerance has been growing, especially with our children all moved away. I don't push her - I pretty much ask for her approval before I dress around her. I suspect that if we talked more we might get a better handle on things, but I think she does not want to talk much about my dressing as it's stressful - she tends to go negative while at the same time bending more toward acceptance. Lately she's been unusually quiet about my dressing. I'm sure she expects that I dressed every minute of the day when she was gone away for a week recently, but she hasn't asked about it. I'm trying to get a feel as to whether or not this is a good time to take the next step - shave off my beard so that I can occasionally go outside totally en-fem.

[Janet Murray]

her conditions are 1) don't go out in our town, and 2) she does not want to see me dressed. She's ok talking about where I go, and what I do when dressed though.

[KymberlyOct]

) this side of me is shouting to get out more and more... I just feel at peace when I’m Carolina...

Carolina, This is just my opinion, but.... from your various posts I am pretty convinced where this is headed for you. It really sounds you are TS versus CD or NB. Of course I don't know that for sure, I don't even know you and I am not trained. But from what you post it seems pretty obvious to me. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

Regardless of what is truly in your heart and soul I do think it is in your best interest and your wife's as well to figure out who you are sooner rather than later. I hope you and others that are heading in an undeniable direction don't wait for it to play out for years and make both you and your wife unhappy for a long, long time.

I don't give this opinion lightly, marriage is an important commitment and I don't take it lightly. I have only been married once and it was 18 years. Also I realize that most people on this site want to make their marriages work and also want to be able to express themselves as they truly are.

It just seems to me that transition is where you are going. If I am wrong I apologize, I write this advice with the intent of helping not pushing or criticizing.

I do have a few friends that have stayed married post transition. But living honestly is the best path to long term happiness.

[Francene Lola Dupree]

I think this is one of the most interesting threads I've read in a long while!

My GF is supportive but passive, i fully dress in front of her and she'll often giggle at my more extrovert outfits. She's happy to see me dress and puts no limitations on my style or frequency of dressing. She'll occasionally purchase items for me, and often give me her hand downs.

The only limit is that she doesn't want to be intimate when i'm dressed, and i respect that boundary.

xXx

[Carolina]

Kimberly, you may be right, I’m also thinking that I may be more TS, but one with a wife and a family. It is not fair to them, in particular to my wife so I have to be careful. My rational side has always supressed my emotional side. Now that kids are in college and we are empty nesters I’m letting the real me come out a bit further. I’m already seeing a therapist, but I need to see another one fully specialized in gender dysphoria issues and see if HRT is the next step for me. My wife is a big part of my life and I need to be careful with her since she didn’t ask for this. Thus the issue of boundaries and how flexible they can be. My blue sky scenario would be living full time as Carolina with my wife, but right now she is far from being there...

[Devi SM]

Carolina,
I was exactly in your now position time ago, may be a couple of years.
Now we're walking my transition with my wife. I ha e to wear a sport tight bra to hide my grown roast that without it could be noticeable for anybody. We try to get out both with me dressed ut she is always fearing with could meet someone that recognize me since I don't wear wig and just change the style a bit between Male and female look. I don't longer like wigs. That was a stage of my crossdressing but now it means not honesty for me.
I believe that soon a full it to everybody is inevitable and wife as me are both scared.
But to live a lie is like to die.
At the beginning I feel great and a huge relief being in front of wife and nothing to hide but soon that feeling of transparency is needed for me everywhere and with everybody...
I think that many crossdressers here could walk the same path but the fear is bigger than the reality of the wellbeing as a person. Then later, as many here, that reality overpasses ant fear but it's late and no mantle years to be the real one.
I don't want to die with the frustration of had lived a lie.

You say that you see yourself living full time as Carolina, many here had the same vision and outside it. You say too that is not fair for your family but is unfair for you. How many casualties would be in a supposed case of full out?
I don't want to push you to do anything more than think a but on yourself and take time to visualize all scenarios...

[jacques]

hello,
without ever talking about it we have agreed limits - no dressing in front of the family, friends or neighbours and don't scare the pets; under-dressing if it is not obvious. Or maybe those are my limits and I don't like to push them further?
luv J

[ellbee]

"limits"
"limitations"
"impose"
"permissive"
"allowing"
"boundaries"
"conditions"
"feeling embarrassed & defeated"
"tolerating"
"rules"


Just a few words & phrases I pulled from this thread thus far.

Not too kind, eh? Talk about oppression! :eek:


With all that kind of stuff going on, figured the feminists would be all over this by now.

Instead: *crickets*


Oh, wait- It's men who are the ones being oppressed, with the GG's as the oppressors.

Guess that doesn't count, though, right? :strugglin


Just turn a blind eye to all that.


My apologies. Carry on... ;)

[Macey]

I think I probably have more self imposed limits than my wife does! :)

[GaleWarning]

So ellbee, what is [I]your[I] situation?

Are you in a relationship?

If so, do you give a toss about your SOs attitudes or feelings?

I'm fascinated to know.

[abby054]

Aggressive disapproval. Zero tolerance. Any hint provokes a tirade. She rages and shouts at the radio or television if the subject comes up there. On her talk radio and Foxnews, it comes up a lot these days.

I still dress. In a rental space two blocks from my office, I have a wardrobe that would be the envy of any GG. I dress there and on my frequent business trips.