Friends tell other friends....

[KymG]

Morning.
So a year ago I told a close friend.
Didnt plan it, just did it.
Now 3 of our friends found out from there, and we have discussed it, they are ok with it.
I happen to know that 3 other friends have been told, that pretend not to know, also another friend told his mum and girlfriend. God knows how many others know.
Apparently nobody minds but that isnt the point.

Im worried, this is getting out of hand.
At this rate everyone will know.

Tempted to get fully dressed and made up, then walk out the door and show everyone, with the attitude of this is me, if you dont like it then tough!

So if yr going to tell that one person then think it through! Please be carefull who you trust.

[DaisyLawrence]

Tempted to get fully dressed and made up, then walk out the door and show everyone, with the attitude of this is me, if you dont like it then tough!

You may yet end up doing that. The thing is though, and let this be a a warning to others, if you are NOT prepared to do that then I would reccomend never telling anyone beyond your partner. Even someone you can trust today may be entirely different in the future.

[Patience]

Yeah, l'd be a bit unnerved too if someone l felt close to spilled the beans so easily. Especially something as personal as this.

When you say “everybody” will know, does that include family and coworkers? Or just people you know socially? It’s good everyone seems cool with it, but like you said, that’s beside the point.

Curious as to how it’ll all play out. Good luck.

[phili]

Kym, the web of relationships we live in is like that- people talking about others as part of how they come to grips with their own issues, also check on who is in and out, or going in or out of favor, etc. No one talks to you about it bc they don't see you in action and think it is some kind of sexual or mental health secret. What will be reassuring is that you are not defiant, just normal. They will adjust and life will go on. Some few may decide to ostracize you, but there will be new friends who won't. People really want genuineness today more than conformity. It makes us more reliable as friends!

[kimdl93]

Once you share a secret with someone, it becomes theirs to keep or share as they see fit. Risky, yes. But then, why do we feel the need/desire to tell? I’d guess it’s that compelling need for acceptance.

In this case, you’ve received exactly that....from three more friends, and a few others appear to have taken a live and let live attitude. Yes, the rumor may spread, but eventually it will run out of people who know you well enough to be interested.

i know this from personal experience. My first wife made it a mission to tell family and friends. It made for some uncomfortable conversations, but I survived the embarrassment and don’t think I lost a friend to the reaction.

[Dede_M]

Kym

I'm recently out to a few people and have that same urge - would love to do the same on social media. If it wasn't for the impact on my family (and my awful makeup skills!!) then I'd do it now.

[Teresa]

KymG,
I would be prepared to do the alternative and have some pictures to hand , I found it a great way of preparing people . It might make you feel good just to do it and to hell with the consequences but if you do get a bad reaction it could backfire on you . Personally it didn't happen to me , I very rarely use pictures now as most only know mw as Teresa .

[Majella St Gerard]

The best way to keep a secret is to keep a secret. I personally don't give hoot what others think but you might have other priorities to think about.

[Stephanie47]

Yep, that's the problem with sharing anything. A secret is best kept with a single person..yourself. One of the big issues with sharing a secret with your wife is now the secret becomes a secret shared by two. Part of the angst my wife had decades ago was having nobody to share the secret with. Once a secret becomes general knowledge then there is no control over the effects of the shared "secret." One has to remember there is no legal protection in many states. An employer may fire a person at will. Of course, friends, neighbors and family members can drop you like a hot potato. My personal feeling is if you have this need to burst forth from the confines of your home do it among like minded individuals who have no linkage to your family and friends.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a closet dresser. 100's of people know I dress but they r other dressers and their spouses. No one else except my immediate family knows I dress.

I tell people on a "need to know" basis! Otherwise? Soon, everyone would know!:doh:

[Micki_Finn]

Yeah, that’s a hard-learned lesson. A secret is only a secret until you tell someone else and that goes double for us. There are a handful of people you MIGHT be able to trust to keep it a secret, but even those people might accidentally let something slip.

[ambigendrous]

There's an old saying: three people can keep a secret only if two of them are dead...

[Cassandra Lynn]

I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer and harp on society once again, but in this modern world of the internet, social networking, social media overload,( etc,), people have lost their innocence. Too many people have less and less ability to form true and lasting, trusting friendships.

Secrets aren't necessarily shared with evil intent, in fact, I think the people spilling the beans are prolly telling themselves they are trying to help someone. Like in your case, so-and-so thought 'hey I bet so-and-so would be accepting and it'd help Kym feel freer, and then that so-and-so decides they're gonna play cruise director and …………..yada blah.

I'm not trying to downplay some incredibly bad behavior by your 'friends', but yeah.
Cass

[alwayshave]

I have told no one among my family or friends as none of them could keep a confidence if their lives counted on it.

[StevieTV]

I came out to a close friend. She immediately told her family, her husband, and mutual friends. I didn't appreciate it at all.

[sometimes_miss]

As always, make sure that first, you consider the worst possible reactions, and if you can accept those, then go ahead and out yourself.

[Ressie]

It's hard to keep such secrets. A lot of people like to talk about other people and can't resist telling juicy gossip. If you feel the need to tell a close friend, start out by telling them that you trust that they won't tell anyone else. Because a real friend will keep secrets.

[Devi SM]

Almost everybody has his/her best friend to share secrets. The problem is that that best friend has his/her best friend to share your secret. This is a chain or circle that sometimes ends in your enemy.
For all that I didn't trust my secret before outing to my wife, then my best friend that has really not shared my secret but I did it when I decide to transition and soon everybody will know. Real friends and worth people will organize themselves from the fake and worthless, so some will come to ask or congratulates while others just disappear from my life, natural selection I can called it...

[Judy-Somthing]

After I told my daughter and told her to keep it a secret she left the house and told her brother.

[KymG]

Secrets aren't necessarily shared with evil intent, in fact, I think the people spilling the beans are prolly telling themselves they are trying to help someone. Like in your case, so-and-so thought 'hey I bet so-and-so would be accepting and it'd help Kym feel freer, and then that so-and-so decides they're gonna play cruise director and …………..yada blah.
Cass

I think it was something along those lines, i can see that but im not happy.

[Aunt Kelly]

Spouses and SO's usually have, or at least believe they have, good reason to keep our secret. Not always, but often enough that for us to take it upon ourselves to unilaterally share it with others may be seen as a betrayal. Social status, career status and family relations can all be impacted significantly. Make sure that everyone who will be so impacted is on board.

[char GG]

My SO didn't want anyone from our town to know. However, he chose to go outside to his car dressed. The houses in our neighborhood are all close together so even the people behind us with a fence saw him from their upstairs window. All of the neighbors now know. On top of that, our neighbor across the street is friends on Facebook with many of the people at my gym, so now they know. We even ran into a local friend at a club in a town 40 miles away who saw me with my SO. Her sons also now know which includes one that lives in our town. I'm sure my SO is known as the "town's CDer". If you want to keep a secret, then don't flaunt it.

Quote from Ressie:

A lot of people like to talk about other people and can't resist telling juicy gossip

[Nikki A.]

It's true that the only way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself. For the longest time only my wife knew about my dressing. I did eventually did reveal my secret to a trusted co-worker and eventually to her family. At this point in my life, if it was not for work I don't really care who finds out. Once I retire I'm going to be me no more hiding.

[Charlotte7]

It really is the case of tell one, then you tell all. If you're happy with that the go ahead. If not, then tell no one.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kym :hugs:, A secret is something that YOU tell NO ONE !!

You should have read line #4 in my signature. >>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid ..o:daydreaming:o..

[JustMe!]

Friends, hell my wife told her parents and her best friend. And her best friend knows people in my circle, whom I sure are aware of my secrets, but choose to say nothing.

[Alice Torn]

A number of years ago, i had a lot more friends than i do now. A few persons i came out to, went and told other friends, and they are all disgusted with me now. Some will not talk to me on FB anymore, too. Be cautious in outing yourself. It can be ok, but other times, well, you know, the genie is out of the bottle, and some people can cause big troubles.

[Bobbi46]

Yes it is like domino rally once one knows so it goes on in my case I was able to limit the fallout by going round my closest friends first and then I just left the rest to itself, at first I guess I was a gossip subject not that any of it got back to me and now the gossiping can go no further everybody knows and you know what life goes on just like it did before.

[Tina June]

I kept my secret for many years... and then I didn't... I told my brothers and one or two friends, with the specific instructions to tell anyone they wanted. So far the word is spreading a little slower than I had expected!

[beckypanties]

I avoid this problem by having no human friends to begin with, other than my wife :sigh:

[KymG]

Thanks for the reply's, and you are all quite right.
I told one person, one!
I felt like i was going to burst and i told the one person i thought i could really depend on. Wrong! It turns out my trust was misplaced.
Major error, and if i could change one thing in my life it would be this.
Gutted.
Im not saying dont tell people but please think twice!
To be honest its destroying me.....

[Jenny Gurl]

The military has an old saying, "Loose lips sink ships". We also had a saying of "Someone you tell, WILL tell someone you wouldn't." I understand why you shared it. Many people wish to have someone to talk to, to confide in and get advice or just a little relief that someone understands. It is hard to unring that bell once it is out. As mentioned here as a warning to others who are getting a bit giddy with the pink cloud, make sure you can handle the fallout if it goes public, because it could.

I lived in an apartment long ago and was working a late shift, got home, and put on some comfortable cloths that I would never want to be caught in public wearing. I was not out, nor wanted to be. I was wearing a pair of tight Chick jeans, heels, a feminine top, a little makeup. I decided I would go out and get my mail because I was the end apartment, and it was 2:00 in the morning so no one should be out. I went out to get the mail and as soon as I was half way to the mailbox, I noticed my next door neighbor was taking his dog out for a potty break. I just walked back quickly hoping he would not notice. Later another neighbor mentioned something about "she would never date a tranny" and she was looking me in the eye to see if I had a reaction. I guess I didn't walk fast enough in those 3 in heels. Small community, but I didn't know many there and moved on soon after so it really never got to anyone I knew. I realized then how quickly it can get out and become public knowledge.

[lingerieLiz]

Interesting how diverse the responses are when people find out. I've been caught or exposed several times. I've also been very lucky as I've posted over time about it. One of the things perhaps is that I've never needed the people who were told. If they wanted to be friends fine and if not fine. My wife outed me at a several martini lunch. When I went to take her home she announced what she told our friends. I said, fine I think we all have things we don't normally share. After that I answered questions if someone had a question. Eventually I started shopping with some of the women and openly wore women's blouses, bras pants etc. I became a fellow shopper. Recently a neighbor who has known I dress and seen me fully dressed told her boyfriend. They broke up and he told me that she had told him hoping that he wouldn't talk to me. He told me he liked me as a friend and didn't care what I wore.

I know that my old neighbors knew and several of my current neighbors know. Hard to keep it secret when the wind is blowing and you and your neighbor are holding your robes closed as your nightgowns are blowing in the wind while you talk. Or, you are working on your yard and your neighbor stops by and both of you have about the same projection.

[Pixie_94]

This is actually something I have sometimes been afraid of, that kind of situations.

[Ronnie38]

I told my wife early on that if she needed to talk to someone other than me to go ahead. She told her sister, who told her husband. It had not been brought up to me but now i think my mother in law knows. They are all very accepting of me regardless though. If your going to tell someone, expect them to want to talk to someone. Hell, you told them for the same reason.

[Aunt Kelly]

So we've established why sharing demands much caution, and we have seen many similar "I just had to tell someone..." threads. I am curious then, Kym. What was it that drove that need?

[Devi SM]

I forget what happened to myself.
Before out to my wife I told my secret to a pretty good friend in my work. He's gay and understood me very well, more than that he advice me to tell my wife. I forget that he had a closer friend than me in the same work. So after a while everybody knew. So friends are no friends for more all the time.

[Beverley Sims]

Kym,

You mean you have only just realised this? :-)

[KymG]

Kym,

You mean you have only just realised this? :-)

Yes, I have only just realised this!
I honestly thought it would be kept between us.

[Macey]

Sounds like your friend made a poor, but well intentioned choice. Maybe you've made a poor choice in telling them, but it's too late now. Naturally the betrayal of trust is hard to swallow, but people make mistakes. It sounds like that she told the people whom she felt would be supportive of you, though it was still a wrong thing to do.

With the best intentions being at heart, I suggest you forgive your friend. Let her know that you're hurt over it and implore her not to do it again, but forgive her. And approach telling a secret with greater trepidation!

[Teresa]

Char,
May I ask what your reaction was to the initial outing ? Has it made it easier for you noe feeling a weight has been lifted off your shoulder now or has it made you a little reluctant to spend time with your neighbours . ? Also how much did it affect your SO's need to go out more or did you put a greatedrrestrctiction on it ?

I know it's again the balancing act between his needs and yours .

KymG,
I'm afraid at the end of the day the coming out process has to happen for most of us , I know it's hard to say what exactly what drives that need but often our fears are greater than the reality of the situation . The fact people know isn't Earth shattering , also the bigger the ring becomes the easier it becomes , the secret starts to become normality .

[Rhonda Jean]

I THOUGHT mine was a well-kept secret. During/after my divorce I found out it was quite widely known, going back even to when I was a teenager. I'd be willing to bet that for most of us who think we're so carefully hidden, we're not.

[char GG]

Teresa,
He is the one that wanted to keep it a secret from the neighbors and claimed they were spying on him when they saw him out in the open. Our houses are only 20 feet apart, it’s hard not to notice what is going on outside. There was no weight on my shoulders although some neighbors avoid me. We had a FTM transman living across from us a few years back so he kind of paved the way for changes to come. As far as my SO’s need to go out, it didn’t affect him one bit. He continues to go out as his girl self whenever he wants to. I don’t put restrictions on him. He is free to come and go as he pleases. I am not a doormat, though. I have my personal limits, which he knows. If those are breached, I walk away. (The limits are not how he dresses, but his behavior, CDed or not).

[Vicky_Scot]

Once you tell someone your secret it is no longer yours, it is theirs to do with what they wish!!!!! x

[Eemz]

Thanks for the reply's, and you are all quite right.
I told one person, one!
I felt like i was going to burst and i told the one person i thought i could really depend on. Wrong! It turns out my trust was misplaced.
Major error, and if i could change one thing in my life it would be this.
Gutted.
Im not saying dont tell people but please think twice!
To be honest its destroying me.....

Hi Kym, I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm just putting this out there for you to think about... would it be worse or better if you took control of the situation: decide who you care about and tell them yourself instead of allowing this creeping infection to continue? It sounds like they're going to find out anyway so maybe finding out in a healthy way would be better than letting them hear it sneakily like you're doing something wrong and shameful? Which you're not. Just food for thought.

[MiniRock]

Many years ago, I went on a holiday with a mate of mine. I brought back a lovely lycra beech dress for my children's mother. She thought it showed her "lumps and bumps" and refused to wear it, even to please me (I she looked gorgeous in it). Then one day, perhaps years later, it occurred to me to try it on myself. Wow! I was immediately captivated. Unfortunately, she found a photo I took of myself wearing it and promptly emailed it to my mother. She would have sent it to my dad too but he doesn't know how to use a computer! I'm not sure there is a moral to this other than to underscore the risks of sharing a propensity for wearing women's clothes with your SO in particular.

[Mafalda]

KymG, I really feel sad for you. I hope things will be fine with time; you are still the good person your friends already know, and they will understand it.

I always thought that secrets are burdens. I felt it so much when I was a closeted CD; I really NEEDED to tell someone about me. You know, it was me, not someone else, but I thinks it's the same when you know such an important secret shared from another person. It's very natural, maybe unavoidable, that sooner or later this won't be a secret anymore.

Be strong, you really didn't do anything wrong.

Hugs

Mafalda

[KymG]

Be strong, you really didn't do anything wrong.

Mafalda

Thanks, thats just what i needed to hear.
Thank god for this forum and the people on it.
Kym

[Ressie]

Yes, I would keep my head up and act as if nothing has changed. Those that found out will eventually forget about it for the most part.

[Krisi]

My standard advice is: Don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know. You told someone who didn't need to know and you learned the result. Hopefully, others can learn from your mistake.

[Patience]

Thanks, thats just what i needed to hear.
Thank god for this forum and the people on it.
KymYes. In spite of all its flaws, we thrive best we can.

I don't know how you found out someone betrayed your confidence, but as others have said, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you are the wronged party in all of this.

My advice to you is to go on as if your secret is still a secret. Dignified silence can go a long way. Do not bring up the subject with the people you think are aware of your dressing unless they bring it up first. If they do, ask how they found out. You have the moral upper hand here.

As for the "friend" who squealed, I suggest you treat that person with polite detachment as you discretely and gradually demote that person to "acqaintance" until they are eventually forgotten and never brought to mind.

[Darla L]

Yes. In spite of all its flaws, we thrive best we can.

I don't know how you found out someone betrayed your confidence, but as others have said, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you are the wronged party in all of this.

My advice to you is to go on as if your secret is still a secret. Dignified silence can go a long way. Do not bring up the subject with the people you think are aware of your dressing unless they bring it up first. If they do, ask how they found out. You have the moral upper hand here.

As for the "friend" who squealed, I suggest you treat that person with polite detachment as you discretely and gradually demote that person to "acqaintance" until they are eventually forgotten and never brought to mind.

^^^ THIS ^^^

Everything Patience said is spot on.
I hate that this happened to you, but at this point handling it and moving on is all you can do. I hope things work out well for you, but that will mostly depend on you. Listen to Patience.