Coming out to girlfriend: two and an half questions (SO advice more than welcome) ?

[Karine]

Hello ladies,

I am planning during the next month to come out to my girlfriend. We have been together for 6 years. I know I should have told sooner, but my crossdressing popped up a few months before we started dating so I was trying to figure out myself.
Then come the vicious cycle of fear, life (professional) going crazy successively for both of us.
Now everything is perfect, I started my own business as a freelance and everything is running ok. She just got an important and fondamental success in her career.
So, after I procrastinated for a long time, it's time to move in together and move on to the next level.

I read and read all the information I could gather, especially on this forum, and prepare my answers for all the questions that might be asked and the best way to react and handle her emotions.
However, I still have two questions:

1/ Like some of us, my crossdressing was at first driven by some king of fetichism (heels) and getting aroused at the beginning I sometimes "played on my one". I am neither ashamed nor proud about it.
So, since I don't need to do this anymore and I don't need us to play together while dressed, is it really necessary to bring the sexual arousal during the talk ?

2/ My girlfriend is a very talkative person. And I know that she will NEED to talk to someone. I can understand that.
However:
- I don't want her to talk about it with her family, since they all shared their personal stuff, especially with the mother who then share with the rest of the family (it's really boring me and scared me).
- I don't want her to talk about it to one of her girlfriends who is always wanting to give advice (most of the time bad ones), or should I say, tell to people what they have to do (even if her life is far from being perfect).
Should and could I asked my girlfriend to talk about it, if needed, to the person of my choice (I 'me thinking about two of her friends one opened-minded and one more kind and rational)?
She is not fond of psychology and don't see the benefit of talking to a stranger about your feelings. For me, it's the best solution, should I insist on seeing a shrink (her only or together is she want me to join)?

Thanks your in advice for your feedbacks.
Karine.

[Dede_M]

Hi

Rule 1 if you’re going to come out is be honest.

If you tell her she will talk to who she chooses. You can give your opinion on that, no more. Why not let her tell everyone. Be proud.

[Macey]

Concerning question one, since it is no longer a factor with you, I wouldn't bring it up … but if she asks about that, be honest!

And Dede is right, you can ask her to be discrete, but that ball is in her court

[Sami Brown]

Karine, you need to be prepared that she may tell others. Have you thought about how you will handle it if she doesn't refrain from sharing?

This does not mean that she will, but the fact is that she might. That is a risk you should consider, along with the other potential risks and rewards you have already considered.

Sami

[char GG]

I think an SO of 6 years should know everything about your CDing including how it started and whether or not you still get turned on by it. Obviously you should tell her the extent of your dressing (just underwear, full out presentation with wig & forms, etc) and how often you like to dress (everyday, once a week), and how important CDing is compared to her. Be honest.

I don’t think you can dictate who she tells. It will be her choice to tell whoever she is comfortable with sharing that information.

If you want to see a shrink, go for it. You could invite her but not insist that she joins you.

[Crissy 107]

Only you know your girlfriend so if you think she will tell others she most likely will. You need to think this through if you are ok with that. I agree being honest is the best way to go but just have it in your mind how you are going to deal with it.
Crissy

[kimdl93]

No need for you to get graphic with her about fetish aspects of early dressing. Kids do what kids do....so do adults.

She has a right to know, as Char said, what CDing means to you, specifically you. She will jump to fewer conclusions if you have full and thought out responses to the common ones.

Regarding who who gets told....who she confides in, if anyone...I’m afraid that is out of your control. Nothing could be more offensive than for you to try to dictate who she speaks with. Tell her you trust her judgement.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Don't expect anybody to keep you "SECRET" because once you tell you "secret" its not a "secret" anymore.

[Di]

I think you should tell her how it started and where it went from there. You can maybe suggest she come here for advice and we have aGg forum. Maybe explain to her why you kept it secret and hopefully she will see fit to keep a secret. Sher and I never told anyone unless we both agreed. Be honest about everything and do not make promises you can not keep.It will only make things worse down the line.

[Ineke Vashon]

Karine - You should have the discussion with her before you two move in together.

Moving in together IS the next level.

Ineke

[Beverley Sims]

Yes it is better to tell her the truth, if a split comes, it is better now than later.

It sounds harsh but it is the worst outcome, after six years I would hope love will find a way.

Don't procrastinate.

[Rachelakld]

Like Beverley - truth, she either accepts or rejects (rejection is worse after wasting years together, buying a home, having kids etc).

If you're not a villain, but a kind a caring person, be proud and if her friends friend challenge you, you answer " and ????"

[Ronnie38]

I encouraged my wife to talk with someone knowing it would put me out there. I trust my wifes judgement however and knew that shr wouldnt intentionally try to hurt me. It all comes down to how much do you trust her? Obviously enough to move in together. Is sje a good judge of character? Telling her about you gives her the burden of "your secret". Are you prepared for that? No matter the outcome, she will eventually want to confide in someone. If you are not ready for the possibility of someone other than her knowing, than you may need to rethink your aproach.

[Tracii G]

Be honest with her and be ready for questions.
She more than likely speak with a girlfriend about you so the secret is no longer a secret.
She may say she wont talk to a friend about it but in my experience they always do.

[Micki_Finn]

“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”

You can express to her that you would prefer she keep your secret to yourself, or you can tell her that she’s free to talk to her friends about it, but honestly I don’t think dictating terms of who she can talk to it about is going to go over well.

Also, if she tells one of her friends, then you might as well just come out to everybody. Your GF has a personal stake in keeping your secret. Her friends will have no such motivation and if she tells one friend, I will promise you that it will be all over eventually, so be prepared.

[KymG]

Also, if she tells one of her friends, then you might as well just come out to everybody. Your GF has a personal stake in keeping your secret. Her friends will have no such motivation and if she tells one friend, I will promise you that it will be all over eventually, so be prepared.

I agree with this, from personal experience.
Please be carefull.

[Sandra]

Be honest with her, don't make any promises that you can't keep and don't tell her what you think you might want to hear.

As for saying who she talk to to me is wrong, she needs to be able to talk to who she wants to and who she can trust.

Good luck

[Maria in heels]

Karine...I think that you are going to have to let your girlfriend handle it in her own way. Since it has been several years that you are together, and you are looking to take that next step in the relationship, expect the possibility of quite a bit of anger and frustration on her part. She is going to ask you questions such as "are you gay" and "do you want to be with a man" and you will have to answer truthfully, because you are telling her your secret wants and needs. Believe me, my wife has known for many years, and every once in a while, she gets worried and asks the question all over, as if we just had the "talk". You have to give her plenty of space, and hopefully everything will work out. Telling her that she has to process your secret in total isolation isn't going to work, and she may not want to talk with her family out of "fear" .... keeping my fingers crossed for you....

[Karine]

Hi girls,

Thanks you all for your feedbacks, even if they are being a little bit harsh since I didn't view things this way.
Maybe it's because I had a bias viewing the situation from my point of view.
In my mind, I wasn't trying to dictate (maybe I express myself the wrong way or maybe dictate doesn't have exactly the same meaning in English, English is not my native language) her what to do but try to find her way to help her and at the same time protect what I consider my/our private life.
For me, if she wants me to not talk about something concerning herself to others, it is natural for me to respect her wish.
As a couple, I think that we should make a common decision regarding what part of our private life can be talked outside the couple.


Karine - You should have the discussion with her before you two move in together.

Moving in together IS the next level.

InekeWe will not move in together without me telling her for sure. Before discussing about my crossdressing, we still have some important talk for express ourselves on important topics for the future to be sure we're on the same page or at least we find compromises.
I mean, how the way the family will work (our families are very different, her family can be very "intrusive" while in mine, we don't intervene in the private life of others except if specifically express by the person);the way to raise children. We already talk about it, but not deeply enough for me.




If you want to see a shrink, go for it. You could invite her but not insist that she joins you.I don't need to go to a therapist. After 6 years I figure out what I am and I am comfortable with my crossdressing. It was more for her and me to talk to someone not emotionally involved.But thinking back, it's a wrong idea since she's not convinced by couple therapy.




Karine, you need to be prepared that she may tell others. Have you thought about how you will handle it if she doesn't refrain from sharing?SamiHonestly, I don't know.
I can handle the situation if she talked about crossdressing to my close family. They know me deeply and with good explanations they could understand.
I could not if she talks to my friends and workmates.
Her family, I don't think so because they're very "traditional".
Her friends, I don't really mind. Concerning the above-named girl, I just think she provide bad advice. She's the kind of people thinking they know everything and I don't think this kind of people could comprehend crossdressing.
But you're right, it is really the big jump, my life can be damaged forever.




“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”I know that, and being someone who always what to keep things under control, it's scaring me.



Thanks you all for your help. I think I should keep thinking through how to tell her and how to handle the aftermaths.

Karine.

[Debs]

Dressing will never go away, accept that, and make your desicisions based on that, your girlfriend, wife, partner, needs to know, then you can move forward, hiding it, causes complications, binary, 0 or 1 do it

[phili]

Karine,
Getting married for life requires shared goals and a committment to help each other with the good and with the confusing. I actually did tell my wife before we got married in a cursory way, and discovered 30 years later I should have been a lot more explicit. It turns out that marriage is a lot more involved than it seems up front, and being honest in the deepest way you can about everything you know about yourself is the best expression of trust, and the best way to detect conflicts.

Unresolved issues in our lives of all kinds trail us in to marriage, of course, and there is no way around that, but this one is a big one. I think now that it would help a lot to get straight with ourselves as to how and why we crossdress while we are single, and try to mature the desire before we marry, and clearly rank it within ourselves relative to other types of needs. Then I'd say the general approach is to talk about gender with your SO, and take that as far as you can to understand whether she is going to be supportive. It sounds like it is a secret for you, so that is really necessary, and you want to be confident about what is going to change after marriage. i.e. It is a secret and I will keep it a secret from you as well, or I don't want to keep it a secret at home until the kids are born, ...etc/ , and I know I can sustain the compromises that end up being necessary.

[Anne K]

Karine, when you do come out to your girlfriend, don’t limit future possibilities. I suspect many members started out in one place and evolved into something unexpected. Don’t be deceptive, but don’t close the door on where you might be sooner or later.

Also, please reconsider seeing a an experienced therapist. A monthly visit really helps guide you through your journey in many ways. My wife is a therapist and we talk about everything. Still, it is nice to have someone independent and impartial to discuss my most personal issues.

BTW, your English is pretty good!