Quick To Blame The CDing

[Asew]

My wife and I had an issue in the last few weeks and she blamed my dressing. It is obvious it was not the cause of the problem, but there she was blaming it. She seems accepting most of the time, but being like this makes it seem like she isn't really that accepting. So I have been on the down low with my dressing, and it seems like she has stopped blaming it, but it just makes me cautious again. But I just realized that I do the same thing with her about something else that I never really forgave her for.

[Debs]

Deep breath, for a starter she knows about your dressing, most peeps don't get past this point, accept what you've got, sometimes you'll take this punch on the chin, take it, and let it ride, or your other extreme option is leave, it will always be there, take the punch. They always feel bad for it after, and you can still dress, not ideal, but a good solution if you want to stay in your relationship, also they do recognise its not going away and on the odd occasion will accept, my wife does it now and again, as long as I don't push it. That's why I have a holiday home, so I can take it out of her sight

[Tracii G]

Maybe you have pushed a bit too hard with the CDing lately?

[marlacd]

For her, it's an easy go-to reason for an argument. Since it's not a secret, it's something that will get tossed at you. Even if you stop cold, pitch everything and never do it again, it will come up over and over.

[docrobbysherry]

When folks split it's very rarely just one issue, Asew. Usually money is involved, too!:thumbsdn:

U need to talk these things thru. Sounds like both of u have unresolved issues. This is where an experienced therapist can help!:thumbsup:

[Beverley Sims]

When you can't find a valid argument, blame it on the Bossa Nova.

This seems to be the start of many nonsensical arguments.

If it 'aint valid don't argue.

[Teresa]

Asew,
I can tell you it gets worse , I'm now getting the blame for everything ! I could throw so many brickbats back but what's the point it all ends up in a destructive circle .

The fact you CD and she knows it will always put you on the back foot , even if you stop now the damage is done so you may as well continue as you are .

[DaisyLawrence]

Sorry to hear this Asew. I'm with Doc, you really need to work on the real cause of the 'issue', whatever it is. Do you think you know what is really going on?

There are countless tales on this site about how crossdressing ended a relationship but I'll wager 99% were doomed anyway and the crossdressing was an easy way to apply blame to one party and for the other to not have to accept any responsibility. My guess is that the crossdressing may have speeded up the inevitable rather than caused it directly.

Good luck.

[GretchenM]

Hard to say why she went on the offense regarding the dressing. It could be anything from a push back as a result of feeling overwhelmed by it to a bit of stress in her life that needs to be released some way so she starts hitting the first thing available. I usually find if I am gentle and loving toward her that can calm things down to the point where we can discuss our feelings rather than dwell on the facts. I suggest you be adaptive toward her concerns and be empathetic and sensitive to her concerns. And I agree with Teresa that in a marriage we who CD are almost always on the defensive and throwing gasoline on the hot coals so we can achieve a dominant position usually doesn't work. We can't use the "I'm the man of the house" approach that some use because obviously we aren't. Relating to her as another woman would help if she were accepting in the first place, but if she is not directing the discussion to a woman to woman style of communication won't work either. What are you left with? Seek out the cause of her distress and communicate about it and find solutions that suit both. Might work; might not. Worth a try.

[MAGurl]

Sometimes when people get angry the go for topics that they know will hurt the other person, so the topic is picked because of the impact on the person they are angry with not necessarily because they have issues with that topic themselves. In other words, we do and say stupid mean things when we are angry.

[Asew]

I talked to my wife about it this morning, and she says she was being influenced about what others were saying (since friends and family know). But that it wasn't the problem and I should continue to dress as I have been.

[Eemz]

I talked to my wife about it this morning, and she says she was being influenced about what others were saying (since friends and family know). But that it wasn't the problem and I should continue to dress as I have been.

OK that makes sense; I'm glad you worked it out. Being a CDer's wife is not easy. There are a lot of external pressures telling her she's not doing the right thing and she needs to be very strong and self-contained to ignore them. And nobody can be that strong all the time. At those times she needs to hear again that she is doing the right thing and that it's important and that you notice and care. It doesn't mean she's changed her mind, just that she needs to lean on you for a little while and then go again.

[Micki_Finn]

Being accepting doesn’t mean you push a button or flip a switch and everything is fine from then on. For many women being accepting means suppressing their instinctive distaste for what we are doing. They are often doing their utmost to be accepting because they live and care for us. If once in a while they lash out because they are upset or frustrated, it’s to be expected to a degree.

IMO your next step should be addressing her comments directly with her. You need to find out if she’s actually harboring this resentment, or if it was just an off the cuff dig. It may be time to re-evaluate your relationship and make some adjustments.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I had "The Talk" decades ago. I understand her sentiments. Our marriage is DADT. Your marriage has it out in the open. I suggest confronting her on the issue and ask point blank "What is really bothering you?" Maybe it is something about wearing women's clothing; too often, too much money, too much time, self absorbed to the extent of unintentionally ignoring her. Or it is something totally unrelated to wearing women's clothing, but, it is easier to blame it on something you know she truly has limitations. My wife and I learned along time ago to ask the pointed question; "Why are you doing this or that?" Get it out in the open and don't dance around it.

[char GG]

Not knowing the specific reason that she blamed the CDing makes it hard to generalize determining if she was right or wrong in her comment.

A few years ago, we had a GG on the forum whose husband refused to do anything around the house when he was “dressed” and apparently he was always dressed at home. That meant the wife would have so do all household chores even though SHE was always dressed as a woman. (A few of you may remember this GG. They did split up a few years ago). My point is, not everything is related to dressing and your wife may have been off base, here. However, just do a reality check and make sure that there was no underlying component of dressing before asking for opinions related to an “unknown event”.

[Stacy Darling]

And you may very well be right Sabrina!

Yet those of us which live similar lives are not the same?

Stacy!

[Asew]

char GG: I understand it is hard to comment on this since I did not provide details. I tried writing out the details but it felt like putting too much personal information out there.

Micki: Spot on.

Stacy: The first time seeing someone referring to me as Sabrina :) I am thinking I changing my girl name to it.