Purging and Self-Acceptance

[Julie Avery]

"Love yourself" is a mantra that's just too facile, I can't buy it. I don't think history shows that what's lacking in members of the human race is self-love. Not that I recommend self-contempt.

For mtf crossdressers, I think "learning to accept that you are always a person who sometimes (or always) like to crossdress" is an important milestone, and for anyone who's not there yet, a great thing to aim for.

I don't think you can tackle the issue of "OK, this is what I'm like, how shall I behave, then?", or "How is this going to fit with all the other roles I have chosen and continue to wish to perform (father? husband? employee?)" until you're out of the closet to yourself.

One of the worst things about purging is that the crossdresser self who keeps getting put aside is never asked to shoulder the burdens of conscience, she's out of control when she exists.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it :)

[Adrienne Heels]

Julie, are you saying that we need to build up our personal self-esteem? If so, I agree with you. You can't feel good about yourself unless you like yourself and what you do.

Karyn

[Julie Avery]

Julie, are you saying that we need to build up our personal self-esteem? If so, I agree with you. You can't feel good about yourself unless you like yourself and what you do.

Karyn

Karyn, I think some, but not all, mtf crossdressers need more self-esteem. What I'm trying to get at is more that we need to come to terms with ourselves before we can get away from ground zero, and the binge/purge thing I think most of us have been through tends to create a femme persona who is very difficult to integrate into the rest of our lives.

[Penny]

Hi Julie! I do wholeheartedly agree. Self growth will always be limited to those CD's that remain in the closet. Gender dysphoria is not pleasant and
can not be good for those who want to feel good about their total self.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Julie

Interesting point. I firmly believe that you can't accept yourself about anything until you do learn to love yourself, to me it was something tied together. Once I embraced myself for who and what I am, acceptance came with it. This was after a lifetime of self hate and loathing, when I wouldn't let anyone of anything in. When I learned to love myself, I was finally able to accept and believe the love of others for me.

Karen

[Lisa Golightly]

It was my love of shoes that stopped me purging... I had this pair of velvet ballerina shoes that I binned... regret it to this day... they were gorgeous. I haven't bought boy's clothes since that day... and if I purged now I'd have to do an Eve. :)

[Jenny Warren]

The ONLY time I've ever purged was when I was about 15 or 16, and it was at my parents insistance.

I caused a temporary setback of a few weeks while I saved up my part-time job money to buy more clothes.

I SHOULD purge now, not completely, but I NEVER throw anything out, and I have stuff that doesn't fit me but I can't seem to part with.

Jenny

[Amanda T]

I think there is more to it than self-acceptance. In the long run, it is your effect on others - particularly loved ones -- that makes the difference. I don't think you can realistically expect to build a life over 50+ years, and then do a "ta da" to anybody. What seems most important is combining self-acceptance with some kind of reasonable outlet that does not harm others or yourself.

[Dana]

There's a lot of things that are going on with me these days, ~ and I'm dealing witha lot of issues about myself, about my past, present and future.

I'm probally one of the few men that will admitt to watching the Dr. Phil show. The man to me at least speaks and has a lot of good common sense.

You'll hear him saying from time to time ~ that the time for getting real about your life is NOW! And that's true. In one of his books I read, where he illustrates that a person that is 18 and who lives to be 70, 52 years of life left! That's only 624 months, or 2704 weeks, or 18980 days or 455200 hours, (approximately)

And that is so true! Each of, relative to our genetics, who our parrents were, lifestyle habits ~ have a given measure of time ~ precious time. Its like the Pink Floyd ballad of "Time" The clock is running even before we knew we were in a race.

Life is just to damn short to go through it un-happy and misserable. Most of us are way ahead of the game, having been blessed to have been born in 1st world countries, (England and the USA). Yet, we're sitting around betting the Hell out of ourselves, over something that for most of us, we have no control over. Maybe we should have been born women ~ perhaps we're re-incarnated women in women's bodies! I don't know ~ I don't have the answers to the questions? I just don't ~ and I've spent a lifetime thus far to date ~ trying to find the answers.

I have accepted that I'm different ~ I just am ~ I'm just who and what I am!
Even if I wasnt' a crossdresser ~ I'd still be different ~ and not part of the norm. God has seen fit to bless me with above average intelligence and above average education. I don't know why I'm naturally gifted to work statistical problems, yet suck at higher math! I don't know why English and History come natural to me ~ yet I can't spell worth a damn?

I believe that any given person is the sum total of the people that they've meet in their life, who have been an influence in thier lives, and their life experiences thus far to date.

The problem isn't that a man dressing in women's clothes, jewelry, makeup, etc is wrong ~ the problem is that society's perspective is wrong AND all screwed up. And, who makes up society? Geeeezzzzz! Even factoring out the low-lifes, the druggies and alckey's (God help them) the marginally educated, etc. you've got people out here driving themselves crazy and nuts trying to fit in. You've got men out here that are driving themseleves to an early grave trying to prove and validate their masculinity in the jobs that the have, in what they do, and in what they do and how they live their lives! And for what? Its all BS!

I live in the deep rural South ~ and work for a privately owned company ~ to where if it came out, that is if I were to be "outed" as a cross dresser it would probally cost me my job! And, that's just anal! Its the way that it is, but its just anal. What I do in the privacy of my own home ~ on my own time isn't anyone's business! But, I don't dare go out in my home town dressed. No freakin' way!

I was married for 12 years, and "shacked up" with another GG, for 6-1/2 years, neither of which were none to happy about my being transgendered, and wanting to dress in their clothes, jewelry, makeup, etc.

Its been eight years since I've been in a relationship, and although its been hard, and mean all day hard ~ I made the decision that I just can't afford logisticaly and financially to keep going through that same old dance. I don't have the time, money, nor patience to keep going through all of that ~ of going back down to WalMart, Sear, JC Penny etc, and buying all that stuff over again.

Some things I've had to choke down on ~ was the reality ~ the R E A L I T Y of the simple fact that 1. I'm transgendered ~always have beeen ~ always will be! 2. I'm probally NEVER going to find a GG that can tote the note on that reality! Just the way it is! Just that plain and just that simple!

My definition of reality is the difference between way things ARE and they way that they should be! Ansewer that one ~ and I'll put you up for a Nobel some kind of award!

I'm not saying "Life" sucks, but its a struggle no matter who you are, what you are!

And the thing is? It not only shouldn't be that way, it doesn't have to be that way!

Me? I KNOW! That if I get with a GG, its only a matter of time, before I've got my eyes on their things ~its only a matter of time ~ before I've I'm going to be drawn toward and back into femininty.

FEMMINITY! Crossdressing ISN'T just a sex thing ~ for some it is ~ I consider them to be adolecents in crossdressing. (No insult intended ~but once you get past that ~ it becomeS MUCH more!) Stress relief ~ well, yea that's part of it ~ but its still much more than just that!

Once you get past the guilt, the shame, work through the societial and cultrual issues of it, once you get past the erotication of it, it becomes a matter of self expression of one's inner self. Of who and what we are, as individuals. And, THAT'S not a bad thing!

[Sarah Rabbit]

Once you have accepted who you are, then you can learn to love yourself. When you have reached that point. You will start to enjoy life a whole lot more.

Remember : Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the Dark Side. Hmm.

Hugs, Sarah R. :bunny:

[Cathy Anderson]

What Julie said :)

Cathy

[Joy Carter]

Totaly agree with you Dana but I need human contact and besides being totaly in love with my SO I haven't found a way to be the woman within. So I'd sacrifice one for the other for now I'm sicking with her hoping she will accept me totaly some day.

[TGMarla]

Accepting ourselves to ourselves is an important step that each of us really has to come to. We are otherwise riddled with guilt over this. And why? I am not a lesser person because I crossdress. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I have a greater regard for women as a result, and that makes me a better person, more well-rounded. Purging is almost always a result of a terrible guilt trip, and in the end, it is only harmful to the crossdresser because it temporarily takes away the means, but doesn't deal at all with the desire and the root causes of that desire. This causes anxiety and mental duress, and requires the crossdresser to acquire more clothing, which is expensive and stressful.

Accepting oneself is better both mentally and financially.

[kittypw GG]

"Love yourself" is a mantra that's just too facile, I can't buy it. I don't think history shows that what's lacking in members of the human race is self-love. Not that I recommend self-contempt.

For mtf crossdressers, I think "learning to accept that you are always a person who sometimes (or always) like to crossdress" is an important milestone, and for anyone who's not there yet, a great thing to aim for.

I don't think you can tackle the issue of "OK, this is what I'm like, how shall I behave, then?", or "How is this going to fit with all the other roles I have chosen and continue to wish to perform (father? husband? employee?)" until you're out of the closet to yourself.

One of the worst things about purging is that the crossdresser self who keeps getting put aside is never asked to shoulder the burdens of conscience, she's out of control when she exists.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it :)

Julie I think you have said something very profound. When self acceptance is not achieved then the crossdressing personae is used somehow as an escape and above responsibility. I think that most gg's who are struggeling for acceptance could atest to this fact. For me it isn't the acceptance of the crossdressing that is so hard to achieve but that it is associated with all of these bad behaviors. Obsession, sneaking around/deceptive behavior, self-absorbtion, etc. (I could go on)

I mean that I believe that my husband wants to be good at and develope different aspects of his life like being a good husband, being a good father, and fitting in at work. The crossdresing side, which is the most undeveloped aspect of his personality, takes up the most of his thoughts but the thoughts are about dressing up and that is where they stop. He uses it as a means to escape when he sould embrace it and give it it's rightful place in his life.
This is what gaining balance is all about.

My husband is someone who is very tight lipped and not a very open person. I feel that that is largely due to the fact that he constantly has this struggle going on inside of him with his feelings and thoughts about who he is as a whole individual. How exhausting that must be.

Dana said that she believes that any given person is the sum total of the people that they've meet in their life, who have been an influence in their lives, and their life expirences thus far to date. I also believe this to be true. If you are someone who sections yourself off from people due to your struggels with shame and confusion about who you are you have fewer influences and lifes lessons will be slower to learn.

Thanks Julie for sharing and helping my brain and my personality to grow.
Dana, NEVER SAY NEVER. Give us gg's a chance. If you don't try then someone is really missing out on a great person to share a life with.
Kitty

[Dana]

He uses it as a means to escape when he sould embrace it and give it it's rightful place in his life.
This is what gaining balance is all about.

My husband is someone who is very tight lipped and not a very open person. I feel that that is largely due to the fact that he constantly has this struggle going on inside of him with his feelings and thoughts about who he is as a whole individual. How exhausting that must be.

Kitty! This is so true! So very true, and to me its part of the journey of self accpetiance and self knowledge. Embrace it! YES! And GIVE it its rightful place in our lives! YES! And, yes mentally, emotionally, spiritually it IS very exhausting! Its like wrestling with yourself, or a dog trying to chase its tail, or attempting to perform some other un-attainable task ~ although I know its attainable ~ internal acceptace ~ internal peace.


[/QUOTE]Dana, NEVER SAY NEVER. Give us gg's a chance. If you don't try then someone is really missing out on a great person to share a life with.
Kitty[/QUOTE]

I'm 0 for 2 in the long-term GG relationship. And, now on the backside of 40, I just don't have the time, the money to risk being anything other than completely honest about who and what I am as a person and as a man. Just that plain and just that simple. The ABSOLUTE necessity of being completely honest and open about who you are as an individual. And, I understand the needs of a woman to want and need a man ~ all I ask is for at least some fraction of time to express this inner need of mine.

A man can have a good low-stress, no-stress job, make good money with good benefits, provide for a woman and her children, be loving, caring, sensetive, romantic, not be addicted to gambling, drinking, nor drugs, nor be running around ~ up and discloses to his wife that he's an occassional crossdresser, ~ and this is a deal breaker?:eek:

I'm all of those things, and I'm a good man with a lot of love to give the right GG, but, I just don't forsee my meeting any woman that can tote the note. My ex-wife told me that I was a good husband, and my last GG friend told me I was the love of her life, and that she had NEVER had any many do and treat they way that I had her ~ but yet here I sit on the back side of 40, single and alone! Why? Because I CANNOT keep away from wanting, needing ~ desiring to dress up in women's clothes, jewelry, makeup ~ the whole nine yards.

And, so I've made a choice ~ I've choosen to quit sitting around and beating myself up over something I am and over something I'm not, and accept myself for who and what I am ~ and to that this is me ~ and what I am.

All my life the message has clearly been sent that I had "a problem" when the plain and simple truth of the matter is ~ when it comes to crossdressing ~ its others that have a problem with it ~ and it lies in THEIR own phobias, fears, and insecurities ~ that THEY'RE trying to project out onto me (us)~!

More harm is done to the individual crossdresser in dealing with that ~ than it hurts anyone else other than the individual crossdresser! The "projected" guilt ~ shame ~ anxiety ~ depression, not to mention other negative side effects.

[Julie Avery]

The crossdresing side, which is the most undeveloped aspect of his personality, takes up the most of his thoughts but the thoughts are about dressing up and that is where they stop. He uses it as a means to escape when he sould embrace it and give it it's rightful place in his life. This is what gaining balance is all about.

My husband is someone who is very tight lipped and not a very open person. I feel that that is largely due to the fact that he constantly has this struggle going on inside of him with his feelings and thoughts about who he is as a whole individual. How exhausting that must be.


Now there's something for mtf CD's to ponder, myself included - the "tight lipped" thing with an accepting partner. That is, "When I want to dress, I want it to be all about that, and the rest of the time I'm very uncomfortable even hearing about it."

Thanks Kitty, that's a great insight.

[Janelle Young]

I agree with Julie.

I am a crossdresser and I have been one for the greater part of my life. I have only come to accept the fact that I am a crossdresser just in this past year. I now know it is a part of me that will not go away and I accept that now. It is a part of what makes me the person that I am. I am what I am and part of what I am is a man that likes woman's clothing and wants to be female / feminine at times. It has taken a long time for 'me' to accept that fact. Before I accepted the fact that I was 'me' and part of that 'me' was crossdressing I had a lot of guilt and shame, like we all do. I also did the purge. Bad idea, all it does is cost a lot of money and makes you miss things you can never replace.

One must, I think, like ones self and be comfortable with the person that you are before you can do anything else. Now that's not to say if you have not come to terms with yourself as to what and who you are you can not have a life, relationships, jobs, a family, or any thing else. What I mean is that if you can come to terms with the 'you' and can be happy with the 'you' then you can grow and have a better life and better relationships.

For what ever reason, good or bad, crossdressers are and will always be crossdressers. Once we come to that conclusion and except it and are OK with it in our own minds I think we will be much better able to deal with all of the other things going on in real life. The first step, if there is one, is accepting 'us' as what and who we are.

Just my thoughts.

[Jennaie]

As it pertains to dressing, I am comfortable with it. I am comfortable with the fact that I like being feminine. It feels "normal" to me to feel like I have been gifted with some of both sexes. I quit trying to figure all this out and just accepted the fact that it is me, period.

I have not given up on having a relationship with a female. I see that there are females here that enjoy their crossdressing lovers very much. I'm sure that someday I will meet a woman who can as well.

[Joy Carter]

I'm so glad that I joined this group of souls that can put their thoughts down for us all to read. I have gotten much out of the short time I have been here.

God Bless

[EricaCD]

Couldn't agree with you more, Julie. Only other thing I would add is that many of us (myself included) spend too much time trying to get to the bottom of the question "why do we do it"? I am not a psychologist (by any stretch) but I think there is this lingering sense that you cannot come to terms with an issue like CDing without understanding the "WHY". God knows this caused me years of delay in coming to self-acceptance. For me real progress came once I finally just acknowleged the reality that (1) I simply don't know why I do it, (2) I probably never will and (3) it is nevertheless something I must do. From that point, it was a baby step to being ok with it.

That said, I still very much enjoy trying to plumb the "why" questions - I just am past that point in terms of my personal "okayness".

Ok, that's probably my least lucid post ever. Quit while you're behind, Erica!

[DawnLabelle]

Karyn, I think some, but not all, mtf crossdressers need more self-esteem. What I'm trying to get at is more that we need to come to terms with ourselves before we can get away from ground zero, and the binge/purge thing I think most of us have been through tends to create a femme persona who is very difficult to integrate into the rest of our lives.

Its wierd, I've heard words similar to this alot, but for some reason the way that you phrased it really made it mean something to me. One common comment that I've seen stated by SOs of CDs, or by CDs themselves when talking about their SO (not to mention my own ex) is that once we are given a bit of "permission" to dress with a somewhat-accepting or newly-accepting SO we tend to go overboard. In other words, now that we are allowed to do what we want with respect to dressing / being feminine we go nuts or focus all of our spare attention on dressing, which understandably can tick off our SOs.

This is similar to a "binge" cycle in binge/purge, but instead of binging on only feminine purchases, we are binging on *being* feminine.

Now, if we had moved past the true binge/purge period of our lives as I think of it now, if we already know exactly how much we want this in our lives by finally allowing ourselves to live as we wish and as if we already have approval (from ourselves!). We will already know how to integrate that femme persona better into our regular lives, thus erasing the bulk of our problems (IMO when it comes to problems of course, YMMV).

dang, did that make sense?, it does in my head, tough to get it out for some reason. And I am so the Queen of run on sentances

Thanks for those words Julie.
Dawn

[Julie Avery]

There have been so many thoughtful and thought-provoking replies to this thread that I don't know how to begin to thank you all. I'm not going to be able to do it tonight, but I'm going to do it.

[DawnLabelle]

There have been so many thoughtful and thought-provoking replies to this thread that I don't know how to begin to thank you all. I'm not going to be able to do it tonight, but I'm going to do it.

Wether or not that was directed to me as well ;), thank you for starting meaningful conversation. Personally, its why I'm here.

And Dana, that post was amazing, im saving that if you dont mind :)

Dawn

[KathrynW]

Accepting ourselves to ourselves is an important step that each of us really has to come to. We are otherwise riddled with guilt over this.
I totally agree...
I see a lot of people saying "accept yourself...accept who you are".
Good advice, no question about about it...but I've yet to see anyone offer really practical "how to" advice on HOW to go about accepting yourself.
Maybe I'm brain dead, or maybe everyone else has some great insight that I somehow missed out on, but...I still don't get it.
Please don't get me wrong here... I've desperately tried to reach a place of "self acceptance" for many years...
I have reached certain levels of it, but I always seem to find myself back at square one...self loathing, shame, guilt, etc. It seems to be a revolving door thing with me.

I am not a lesser person because I crossdress.
I have to openly admit that I DO feel like a lesser person when I cd. Can I give inteligent reasons why I feel that? Probably not, but that's honestly the way I feel... :straightface:

[Julie Avery]

I totally agree...
I see a lot of people saying "accept yourself...accept who you are".
Good advice, no question about about it...but I've yet to see anyone offer really practical "how to" advice on HOW to go about accepting yourself.
Maybe I'm brain dead, or maybe everyone else has some great insight that I somehow missed out on, but...I still don't get it.
Please don't get me wrong here... I've desperately tried to reach a place of "self acceptance" for many years...
I have reached certain levels of it, but I always seem to find myself back at square one...self loathing, shame, guilt, etc. It seems to be a revolving door thing with me.

I have to openly admit that I DO feel like a lesser person when I cd. Can I give inteligent reasons why I feel that? Probably not, but that's honestly the way I feel... :straightface:

I recommend getting older as the cure for this particular difficulty. And hopefully not, in the meanwhile, enter into a committed relationship in which you hide :)

[KathrynW]

I recommend getting older as the cure for this particular difficulty. And hopefully not, in the meanwhile, enter into a committed relationship in which you hide
Well seeing that I'm 51 and I've been dealing with the cd thing for almost 40 years...I'm not so sure it works that way for me. :straightface:
And...I'm definitely in a committed relationship, and am not hiding. She knows and is more accepting of my cd-ing than I am. Figure that one out.:straightface:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I moved my response about specific tips into a new thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=375146#post375146).