I couldn’t do it

[jamiesnj]

There is a group that meets once a month on Monday night in Philadelphia. I had planned for days to go I packed a bag and snuck it out of the house(my wife would kill me if she found out). I told my wife I was going to watch the game with friends and drove to the meeting and sat in my car for 20 minutes trying to get up the nerve to dress and go in.
I finally just left and went to a local bar and had a couple drinks. I just couldn’t get the nerve to walk into a place not knowing anyone. I’m such a coward!

[Eemz]

No no don't beat yourself up. You got much closer than you ever have before. You'll get there. The first one is always the hardest. They're not going to reject you, I guarantee that every one of them found it difficult the first time and probably had a few false starts.

> couldn’t get the nerve to walk into a place not knowing anyone

It's not easy walking into a room full of strangers, even if it had nothing to do with CD. Is there a contact person for the group? May you could arrange to meet them 1:1 beforehand just to break the ice.

[Rhandi Spencer]

Jamie,
I met a friend yesterday (she is trans) and I was in drab, I had my new dangly earrings on and when I got to the agreed to location I could not keep the earrings in. SO I completely understand how you feel.
Keep taking the steps it will get easier.

[Beverley Sims]

The first ouple of times can be as hard as you have felt.

Especially doing it solo.

I think it is a rite of passage for some, so next time at least get to the door of the venue. :-)

Then, it all get's easier.

Everyone who has been there will tell you that......

Only you have to do it, once. :-)

[Jean 103]

So is this a public place they meet at?

What type of group is it? Social/Support

I suggest you go guy mode first. I know this is not what you want, but at least you could get inside.

Your goal is to make contact, see that it is ok or not. There is a lot going on and your fear may be justified, to find out you need to go in, sit down and take it in.

[Samm]

Hi Jamie, I would try to contact someone within the group in advance. Your best bet is to contact whoever is the host of the meetup. I've done just that. I'm planning a social meet up next month at a hotel lounge. Yes, I'm very nervous, but feel a little more at ease, now that I've broken the ice via email. Weather it's a support group, or a social group, just get yourself through the door and you'll wonder why you hadn't done it sooner!

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Very sound advise by Samm

[Tracii G]

We all understand so don't be so hard on yourself.
I was heading into a meeting and I saw a guy walking up to the door then walking back to his car a few times.
I got out and said hi and he came over and I said first time? He said yeah I am too scared to go in.
This person was a FtM trans person so I said here take my arm and go in with me so he did and we went in as a couple.
We hung out all thru the meeting and are still friends to this day.
Next time just go in because there is nothing to be afraid of.They are people just like you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Jamie,

Your fears will echo with many including me. Although it's a good few years ago now I can still remember the angst I felt when I attended my first meeting. I had emailed the secretary before hand to ask if it was ok to come along and was told not a problem. Guess what she was right.

The memories are still vivid to me. It took place in a small hotel. As I walked in wearing low heels I found myself on a marble floor. I felt like every step was sounding like a klaxon going off. I found the room, paused at the door, looked in at the 20-30 people in there, took a deep breath and asked the first person I saw if they could point out the secretary. She did and I introduced myself not knowing if I should try to use a femme voice or my natural one. Went with my natural voice and was invited to find myself somewhere to sit after pointing out where the bar was.

I picked out a table with about 8-10 sat around it, asked if I could come and join them, "Yes, please do", grabbed a chair and sat down.

Five minutes later I was deep in conversation talking to people like I'd been doing this for years.

It's been written so many times here that the thing that's the hardest to overcome are the fears to be found in our heads. It is so true. They won't bite, won't judge, don't forget they've most likely experienced the same and will fully understand. I am so glad I entered that room that night. It's no underestimation to say that what came from that changed my life immensely. Sitting, talking to like minded souls will seem like the most natural thing in the world moments after you begin.

I can only urge you to go back and go for it.

[Danielle_cder]

Jamie,

I’d have done the exact same thing....

never been to a meet the closest would probably be 2.5 hrs or more one direction. I’ll likly never go. Rural life what can I say.

I kind of equate it to skiing, I use to love ‘hucking’ cliffs and there was always a great saying, “the longer you look at it the bigger it gets.”

Best of luck let us/me know

-D

[Allisa]

Jamie, we talked some time ago. PM me if you want some support next time. I mean next to me everyone looks good.

[Cheryl T]

Everyone thinks it's so easy to make that step to finally meeting others someplace semi-public.
It's Frightening to say the least. It's not that you are a coward by any means. It's just that it's something you desire so much, yet fear so much.

Just remember, the others at the meeting were in your place once and finally took that step. They don't bite, they won't ridicule, they will accept.

[Teresa]

Jamie,
Do you know if the group accepts people dressing in drab , if so why not try that first just to become comfortable with the situtaion , many also offer changing facilities .

I agree with Cheryl, we don't bite .

It is easier for some than others , am I brave or just stupid ? I jumped in with both feet ( well 4" heels !) it was a dinner dance I wore a full length ballgown and by the end of the evening I was on the dance floor , I never really looked back . I admit I had met Carole who had twisted my arm to join them . Looking back the thirty mile drive was as much of a revelation as I'd stepped out my front door for the first time dolled up to drive somewhere to meet others .

[Rhonda Jean]

On a positive note... The intensity of the fear and trepidation you have toward getting out will just make it that much more of an intense and meaningful experience when you do it. You'll do it, and when you do you'll know you did something extremely important in your life. It'll be a life changing experience, and all this will be worth it!

[GretchenJ]

Hi Jamie,

I have been to that meetup several times, twice when it was help in Philadelphia and about 4 times when it was previously held in Norristown. The first time I went, I remember waiting outside my car for about 45 minutes before deciding to go in. When I did, I was shortly so glad I decided to do so. They actually look after the newbies and make sure they are doing ok.

If if we are talking about the same meetup, it is held in a private room upstairs in a gay bar in the gay section of Philly. As others have said is very true, pm the meetup organizers before your next trip out, tell them that you are venturing out for the first time.

let me know how you make out !

[Sometimes Steffi]

My group has several ambassadors designated to help newbies get from the car to the venue and introduce them all around.

Once, I was in the parking lot headed into my social group. A girl called out to me. It turned out that she was a "tall girl", first time out. She just wanted to have someone walk into the group with her. I was very glad to help.

I've helped a number of girls from this forum get made up and get out, into our group.

[Majella St Gerard]

I'm sure you wouldn't be tarred and feathered. Just do it.
I just don't get the changing in the car thing, that must be very difficult, results can't be good, just MHO.

[Aunt Kelly]

As others have said:
- Don't be so hard on yourself. Rational or not, the fear is real, sometimes paralyzingly so.
- Believe us when we tell you that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that warrants all that fear.
- Understand that the only way you're going to know that is to confront it.
It is much easier in the company of friends. If you have a way to reach out to someone in the group and explain that you need a little support to get from the car to the door, they will be there for you because they know what it was like.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[alwayshave]

Jamie, I have done the same thing. The first time is the hardest. You'll eventually get there.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I just don't get the changing in the car thing, that must be very difficult, results can't be good, just MHO.


It's sad, but what us girls with unaccepting wives put up with all the time. Discretion is the better part of valor.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe not rite then, but sometime in the past! Remember that!:thumbsup:

My first outing to meet other T's was over 10 years ago. I went to meet a number of girls from here, cd.com. They said I could show up in drab if I liked. I did. But, after an hour and a drink or 2, I began feeling uncomfortable being the only one in the room NOT dressed!:straightface:

So, I went to my hotel room and changed. It's been down hill ever since then!:D

[Becky Blue]

Very common Jamie, hang in there, maybe next time you will manage it. Of there was some way you could get dressed inside the venue perhaps that would make it a bit easier?

[SamanthaToday]

Hi Jamie, I was where you are just 10 months ago, I managed to make it in but the fear was unreal.

First thing I noticed was I was waaaaay over dressed, most of the members were very casual , or didn't dress at all.

I have since attended a different group that meets on a different night and its the same thing, most don't dress and if they do its very low key.

It's hard enough to go to a place not knowing what's there let alone all the pressure of dressing, go under dressed or even in male mode, no one will care.

I now go out quite a bit dressed, restraunts , bars... shopping(shopping is hard, since it involves daylight.lol) finally made friends and so happy I did it.

You can do it.

Good Luck.

[Krisi]

I wouldn't worry about the being afraid to go into the meeting thing, I would worry about the sneaking out on the wife thing and lying to her. Suppose she called your friend looking for you? You will have a lot of explaining to do if you are not where you told your wife you were going.

Now this is the Internet and you don't have to heed my advice, but I hope you will at least give it some serious thought.

[Teresa]

After reading Krisi's reply I have to say it is a sad fact we have to be forced into the deceit and lying game . Many of us need to take these steps to discover ourselves the fact we can't can supress some people so much it eventually makes them mentally ill . Who is right and who is wrong ? While that question hangs in the balance we coninue to feel guilty and possibly ashamed .

The number of F/M CDers or members of the TG community is increasing I wonder how they explain their apearance , OK I'll fall into the trap and say it's far easier for women to dress in male style clothes .

I'm just trying to visualise the scenario where the wife is saying to her husband I'm just going for a drive round the block in your trousers , jacket and cap because I have a deep need to be out dressed !!!

[jamiesnj]

Krisi
Believe I was also worried about that also but I am tried the of hiding who I am and want to meet others like me.

[Alice Torn]

Eventually, you will have a confrontation with the wife, down the line.

[ClosetED]

See if there is a member on the Forum that would be at least someone you have a connection with.
Hugs, Ellen

[jamiesnj]

Thank you for all the advice and support ladies. Hopefully I’ll get the courage to go into the meeting