Is this part of abstaining? It didn't happen before

[Pixie_94]

Hello everyone! I hope all of you have been doing well.

I don't know if this has happened to any of you or at least in the way that I'll describe, but I'd like to know opinions, suggestions or recommendations (as long as it doesn't involve therapy).

First of all, for context, I'm a college student that still lives at home and has no job, just some occasional works and I have no classes left, just some projects that count as thesis. Oh right, also, not in the US.

With that out of the way, here's what has been happening:

As people who have read my previous threads know, self-acceptance is tricky for me to say the least and I am in a period of abstaining from CDing, since it was causing me stress (mostly for hiding places for the things that needed washing).

It's been about a month or two like this, the urges come back as usual, even in dreams, nothing new here, some times when I want to buy stuff, nothing new, I don't even do it anymore. However, I don't know why but I sometimes get thoughts about how would it be like or wanting to be a woman, but here's the thing: I don't even have gender dysphoria. What is this? Is this a result of not being able to sleep well for about a month? (Yes, I even got eyebags) Or just some sort of confusion after prolonged periods of stress? (from other things in my life).

It's 1:33am at the moment I'm typing this, I hope I can at least rest a bit. I'll be waiting for any opinions or comments when I wake up.

[Emily Occasionally]

I think it's all part of the deal. Of course if you like dressing in women's clothing you are going to imagine what it is like to be a woman. It would be odder to me if you didn't think about what it is like to be a woman. That's part of the point of CDing isn't it? You don't have to have dysphoria to think about being a woman. You just have an active imagination.

[Macey]

Right now, you're over stressed and over tired. I don't know if the imagining yourself as a woman is some form of escape, or if you have some inner desire to transition, but I don't think you'd be able to sort any of it out while you are in a time of stress. You have projects going on right now and some other external pressures that you mentioned. Maybe you're at the point where you are not only stressed, but even stressed about BEING stressed. Would be easy to say 'chill out and relax', yeah … that's easy to say. It's the truth of course, but certainly not an instant fix. Funny thing about stress … sometimes it hits you AFTER you're through the situation that caused it and in the quiet moments, your mind starts to process what happened. I think you need a mental vacation. First to break from the stress, then to process it, then to get a few good nights' sleep and level out. Once you're able to level out, be rested, and relaxed, you'll get a clearer picture of inner desires.

[Helen_Highwater]

Pixie,

The good thing is you're reaching out and discussing your feelings and emotions. Getting them out helps you get a better view if your own situation. You can better rationalise the what's, where's and why's.

It sounds like you're in a busy time of life. There's huge pressure on students to do well or be a failure for the rest of their lives, something which is far from the truth. As Einstein wrote:

"Imagination*is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas*imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution."

My advice would be to focus on your studies, get those out of the way and in doing so remove one of the pressure points in your life. Don't try to deal with too much at once. Dressing will be there when this period of your life is completed. Your reward for all your hard work.

So for now, let your imagination dress you. It's soon going to get to the time when reality takes over and you can enjoy it all the more.

[Roxanne Lanyon]

Oh my, I just came back from a week's vacation, and as I was on a tour group, there was no dressing! Roxanne was simply not with me!
Oh, how I missed her. This is so difficult! I imeediatel dressed when I got home, and flt so much better! Is this the "Pink Thunder", or whatever I have heard about? I so missed being Roxanne, it was not even narueal! What do I do about this all, girls? How do I deal with it?
Your Roxanne (Really Forever)

[Jean 103]

Questions?

When I think about it, living as I do, it all sounds so crazy.

Why do I have this desire to dress as a women? I’m starting to think I will never be able to answer this question.

Do I want to live as a women?

Do I want to be a women?

Feelings and Desires, these are in you, things that you have to work out for yourself. Part of what makes you, well you.

How to deal with this? That’s an easier question to answer, but again something you will have to answer yourself. You just have to find what works for you, A LOT HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS.

So right now you are trying abstinence. Will it work? How long before I know? Will I ever know?

The only thing that is constant in my life is change. I have found what works today does not always work tomorrow.


Cheap advice, mine would be continue as you are. Try clearing some of the stuff away, then see how you feel. Yes I know, again much easier said than done.

[GretchenM]

Pixie,

It is not unusual for long pauses to occur in our journey through this behavioral pattern. I have had some that lasted for years. There is nothing wrong and if you force yourself to be feminine/female when it is all on pause it will only produce stress. I like what Helen said. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't feel the pink. Instead concentrate on your studies and move forward with that part of your life. It's OK. Urges will still occur at times, but there may not be much motivation to act on the urge. That's OK, too. But forcing it will definitely create stress. You may be abstaining for a reason that your subconscious understands but your conscious mind hasn't quite figured out. Try to ease up at the conscious level and let the subconscious do what it wishes - neurologically that is where all the action actually occurs. So to speak, your conscious mind just acts on the results of all the calculations going on in the vast amount of your brain that you really are not aware of.

Acceptance of yourself does not mean fitting some gold standard of feeling and appearance, but also accepting the waves of change that will wash over you at times. If engaging in your feminine expression causes you stress then it is very likely that the foundation of this aspect of your identity is on "vacation." More likely, your brain is just very busy doing other things that it deems more important. It doesn't like the stress created by producing a behavior where the foundation has been turned off to avoid distractions from what is considered important. It will be back when things change in other ways that allow it to come out again.

Gretchen

[Pixie_94]

I think you need a mental vacation. First to break from the stress, then to process it, then to get a few good nights' sleep and level out. Once you're able to level out, be rested, and relaxed, you'll get a clearer picture of inner desires.

Okay, I'll try to get some rest now that I'm in vacations of some sort, the next projects will be next year, so I hope I don't lose it before that.

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My advice would be to focus on your studies, get those out of the way and in doing so remove one of the pressure points in your life. Don't try to deal with too much at once. Dressing will be there when this period of your life is completed. Your reward for all your hard work.

So for now, let your imagination dress you. It's soon going to get to the time when reality takes over and you can enjoy it all the more.

I guess that this makes it counter intuitive that recently I have felt anxious and like I have to get money, but not for myself.

- - - Updated - - -


You may be abstaining for a reason that your subconscious understands but your conscious mind hasn't quite figured out. Try to ease up at the conscious level and let the subconscious do what it wishes - neurologically that is where all the action actually occurs. So to speak, your conscious mind just acts on the results of all the calculations going on in the vast amount of your brain that you really are not aware of.

Acceptance of yourself does not mean fitting some gold standard of feeling and appearance, but also accepting the waves of change that will wash over you at times. If engaging in your feminine expression causes you stress then it is very likely that the foundation of this aspect of your identity is on "vacation." More likely, your brain is just very busy doing other things that it deems more important. It doesn't like the stress created by producing a behavior where the foundation has been turned off to avoid distractions from what is considered important. It will be back when things change in other ways that allow it to come out again.

Gretchen

I'm actually abstaining for reasons I'm more conscious of, in the most of it. Like how afraid I am about not my stash being discovered, but rather the clothes I have worn and haven't washed yet (I have improvised hiding places for them, but I don't know if they might be obvious or discovered, which actually scared me). However, if there's still an unconscious part of this, I can say that I still sometimes feel shame and I have looked for ways to stop all this for good.

Feminine expression, as you say it doesn't cause stress per se, but rather what comes next and the fear mentioned before. Anyways, I guess you and the other ones who said anything about me needing some vacations are right, I miss being able to relax for more than a few minutes.

Thank you for taking your time and all the advice you gave me months ago on a previous thread.

Have a nice day!

[docrobbysherry]

I wash many of my clothes in the shower with me! No one should walk in on u in the shower would they?:daydreaming:

There! That solves one of your problems, Pixie. Now, u just need to find someplace to dry them!:thumbsup:

[Pixie_94]

I wash many of my clothes in the shower with me! No one should walk in on u in the shower would they?:daydreaming:

There! That solves one of your problems, Pixie. Now, u just need to find someplace to dry them!:thumbsup:

I have ways to wash them with no problem, the thing is where to put them before, like a dirty clothes basket sort of thing, but one that could be well hidden just in case. Anyways, thanks for taking your time.

[Beverley Sims]

The urges will always be there , they are not going away.

One day you will move out on your own and you will not believe the freedom you will have.

Meantime be thankful that you are living at home and getting cooked meals.

Dressing is only a part of your future, finish college and then get a really good job.

[Kas]

finish college and then get a really good job.

Why does nobody ever seem to consider the TS pornstar route as an option?

[Macey]

Kas, probably because there's a time limit on how long you can engage in such a career ;)

[Crissy 107]

Pixie, Just relax, you are fortunate to have this site as a resource, so many of us did not when we were younger.

[phili]

Hi Pixie,
I read your original post as making these points: [could you confirm, or use the list to expand with more detail?]
1. You want to crossdress, and feel shame, aren't sure about whether it is valid, how to succeed, don't have anyone to confide in, and all that is troublesome!
2. On a practical level, you are unsure how long you can keep your stash a secret, and fear the consequences of discovery
3. You don't have a job or other source of income or time away from home, and feel confined physically, emotionally, and existentially [i.e. not sure who you are and how to go forward]

All the good advice here re relaxing a bit and taking the pressure off yourself is super useful. I found it most helpful to take an experimentalists' view of myself- examining what I feel, when, asking myself questions about it from various points of view- something that might be a lot like essays you would do in school. What this does is relieve the immediate need 'to do something' in favor of studying the situation- which is in effect making a place to stand that is outside of the pressures you feel.

Read a lot here on the forum, and see what voices sound like yours,people expressing similar feelings, asking questions you want to ask, etc. If you haven't already, look into the internet on 'gender non-conforming' and you'll find lots of useful videos on youtube and other info.

Most of us had to work through some kind of shaming punishments as young people, and have come to realize we are a natural type of person. Here is a nice article on the basic science of gender which is an example: https://medium.com/@emmyliora/the-biochemical-nature-of-identity-54017e4bccc3

We are all trying to find community as well- every person does. And you are definitely not alone- but need to build up your contacts with others so you can feel more at peace- and sleep well knowing one day you will be out of the house and able to tailor your life more closely to what feels natural to you.

Confusion of contradictory feelings is part of being human- and some of us took a long time to finally get a handle on them! The male =man=masculine, female =woman=feminine duality is an idealized mythology of sorts, everyone is constantly exhorted to strip away the parts of themselves that don't fit. It is an idea that has to be reinforced constantly, because it is not innate or universal- it is a social construct. So today we are claiming space for ourselves with feet in both worlds, or only one, or switching back and forth- it is all perfectly fine. What isn't fine is to be paralyzed by fear.

So write and post and talk about what you feel freely here- it is fine for you to change your opinions as you go. We are here for each other to grow out of the darkness!

[Pixie_94]

Why does nobody ever seem to consider the TS pornstar route as an option?

I can only say that after reading this, the thing that came to my mind was that Michael Scott meme of him saying "No! No God, please no!"

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Hi Pixie,
I read your original post as making these points: [could you confirm, or use the list to expand with more detail?]
1. You want to crossdress, and feel shame, aren't sure about whether it is valid, how to succeed, don't have anyone to confide in, and all that is troublesome!
2. On a practical level, you are unsure how long you can keep your stash a secret, and fear the consequences of discovery
3. You don't have a job or other source of income or time away from home, and feel confined physically, emotionally, and existentially [i.e. not sure who you are and how to go forward]


Hi, Phili!

I'll go in order according to your list and other things you said.

Point one describes me almost accurately, except that I have some friends (in other countries) that know about it, but I rarely bring up anything about my crossdressing or how I feel about it at all. Just with a few of them when I'm considering to get rid of my stash.

Point number two. Well, this one is hard to define. My former stash, when I had more things was discovered and nothing was said to me until I confessed, but I was suggested to get therapy, that I should get a girlfriend or a friend with "benefits", that it's weird and lots of other things that have brought shame and insecurity onto me.

Scary how you described me in such an accurate way with point three. I only get out of home to do errands or for the last things related to my studies, nothing besides that. I have no classes left, so I haven't met any more people and I have no friends in the nearabouts, only acquitances and I feel too awkard to talk to them about anything that isn't a quick request for information. And about how I go forward, I simply wait for the next thing to do about my studies, besides that, I feel stuck.

Relaxing is actually something I'm trying to do again. For now I just know that this stress began a month ago, with a project. It's especially worse at night, when I feel like I didn't do something important.

Now, about what you said about feminine or masculine and it being some sort of mythology, I don't know what to say. Not only because how many people have misunderstandings and spread misinformation, but also because recently I have noticed that maybe some of my brain's "wiring" is a bit like the typical in a woman.

Thank you for taking your time reading and replying to my post.

[JulieB]

Totally agree Beverley!

[Jaylyn]

Well written Phili, I agree on everything you wrote. Many of us have been in a position such as you are in Pixie. You should finish your education, get a well paying job and live life as you want for a while and the dressing will take care of itself. Quit stressing over it if you can and if you still feel this way after you get your education and a good job then sooth the inner dressing beast by doing what your body and mind needs and wants.