How to best tell my mom about all this?

[Erin.Sometimes]

So I'm 24, and still live at home with my mom. Been crossdressing in private for almost 3 years now I think (I've been doing it for longer than that overall, but she found out when I was younger and I took a few year break from it)

I had made it a new year's resolution this year to tell her about it before the end of the year, but then I lost my job in January, and that kind of put me in a negative headspace that derailed any plans. But now that I'm about to start work again, that specific mental hurdle can be overcome and I want to try and go through with my resolution in these last couple weeks. It'll help to ease my conscience so I don't have to lie to her every time I get a delivery, and I may also be able to lobby for some of the space in the closet in our spare bedroom.

I'm almost certain she already knows and just hasn't mentioned it, I'm just really not sure of the best way to bring it up. Any advice would be appreciated :)

[kimdl93]

Well, I’m sure you’re both relieved that you have found employment again. Aside from the resolution, I’m wondering if it might not be better to concentrate on getting your financial life in order and working towards the goal of being a sulf sufficient adult. It’s certainly possible that your mom knows much more than you think. It’s also quite likely that her biggest concern right now is your ability to become a successful adult. Attain that status, then you can decide to come out without needing permission. Or accommodation. Just out of maturity, honesty, love and respect.

[Macey]

Question I have is how did she react when she had found out that first time?

[Erin.Sometimes]

I appreciate the response. If by 'self-sufficient adult', you mean moving out, that's not really in the cards at the moment. Even with the wage I will be making, I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own. Plus it's not like I'm totally freeloading. I pay bills, I help cook and clean, and my mom just appreciates having me around to help out since my dad passed away a couple years ago.

As for how she reacted finding out the first time, I don't recall it very well, the only bit I remember was her saying "I don't know what your father would think if he found out." I guess he had been known to be a bit homophobic in the past, and I guess my mom was just worried about that, but he definitely mellowed out in his later years and I never really observed anything of the like from him. So she pretty much guilt tripped me in to stopping that way, though like I said before, he passed away a couple years ago, so if he would've had a problem with it, that's not really an issue now.

[Tracii G]

I too agree get your life in order financially and don't buy what you don't need.
Save some money then get your own place to live.
I think she would so proud of you for being a responsible adult that is out on their own she would have no problem with you telling her.

[Macey]

I gotta go slightly astray in the advice from the others. They are not wrong! But there is no reason that you should put all of your desires on hold while you sort out the longer path of financial independence. Sure, don't go overboard buying a bunch of stuff that you don't need, be reasonable. Sock some money away as you can. I don't know the relationship you have with your mother, but it sounds like she would disapprove but love you all the same. So, it would have to be handled delicately and with great appreciation for her feelings. I think you will need to start that new job and should enthusiastic progress toward your own independence. Not as a ploy to soften her up, but because you will want these things for your own sake. At some point, when you're 'in the groove' of this forward momentum, then think about if and how you want to tell her. Certainly you both deserve to be happy with yourselves and each other. Have a plan, have action, have patience with her and especially with yourself.

[chelyann]

I don't see the sense in telling her right away
start getting your things in order first , just incase she is not to keen on the idea of you crossdressing all of the time , it might become kind of awkward if she is not hip with it.

test the water buy asking her about her view of LBGTQ , if she is totally fine then proceed slowly.


just my 2 cents

[Erin.Sometimes]

I just want to clarify, I'm not intending on going full time, or even really increasing the amount of time I spend dressed up. I'm perfectly happy only doing it once a month or so, I would just rather not keep it a total secret if I don't absolutely have to, and maybe have a little extra space to put my things.

Thank you for the response

[Pixie_94]

Hi, Erin!

I don't know what kind of person is your mother or how she reacted when she found out any hints of it when you were younger, but I have some advice that I hope, may be useful.

First of all: Try to see what's her attitude to anything regarding LGBT issues. I know this may not exactly be directly related, but this can help you to get a better idea of her vision on some topics.

Second: If you two are watching something on the television and by a chance there's a scene or anything where there's a crossdresser, try saying something like "what the heck?", of course, if you are vocal about what you think, but the thing on this is that she must hear you and if she says "Yeah, he's weird" or "What? He's just a crossdresser" or anything similar to any of those things, this will help even better to know what kind of response to expect.

Third: If she shames you, don't purge, I say it by experience. In that case, you can ask people here for more advice or read my threads as examples of what not to do or just to see where I'm coming from.

Anyways, I hope this will go well for you.

[Aunt Kelly]

Let's talk about why you feel the need to tell your mother. Don't get me wrong, there are certainly valid reasons to do so. I just think that you should give this enough thought to have one. You mentioned that you don't want to have to "lie" about deliveries. That's reason enough, but is that the only reason? If there are others, are the equally important?

I'm on record for advocating honesty, but this is a no-going-back decision and we're talking about a parent, not a significant other. That relationship may not demand quite so much honesty.

Your call, of course. Think it through thoroughly and if you decide to share, do so with her feelings in mind.

[Rachelakld]

Ha, been on both sides of your situation

1) as a dad, I love my kids at home, son in law is 30 while my girl is 21 and they pay rent. I love them being here and also they help with the pets etc when we are away.

2) mums ALWAYS KNOW and they always advise not to let dad know (my mum found out when my girls undies got in the wash and she asked whose they were and advised not to let dad know). When I visited once I asked my dad if I could wear women's tights at home, his response - "whatever makes you comfortable" so the next day I was in black tights and red shoe string singlet. He asked if it was comfortable and I responded "very comfortable".
I think age mellowed him a bit more than I ever expected of this "role model male", maybe he was just more up with the times than I expected.

A word of warning, my workmate has just come out as trans, and her dad disowned her (but they had always had a bad relationship) - on the up side, mums are extremely unlikely to "disown" any offspring and this often makes them closer.
My sister's comment "this is what makes you the wonderful caring person I've always known"

[SamanthaToday]

Hi Erin,

Some great advice already, starting a new job is a great start and holding a job helps you in many ways.

CD and mental health is a huge issue, depression is very serious, holding a job and building relationships can be greatly impacted by locking our true selves in.

If you only dress once a month maybe this doesn't apply to you, but also maybe, once you can dress freely, you will dress much more.

Once you are working for a while. then when you are ready, tell your Mother, I don't think you would be asking this if it wasn't important to who you are and who you want to share it with .. it's 2018.. times are changing.

Good Luck,

Samantha

[Patricia_Campi]

Hi Erin,

Just try to answer this: does she really need to know it?? Is it really mandatory??

You need to consider that parents had a different education and that there are somethings they will never understand. They are human beings and they are not perfect, but as parents, they do their best and give you all their love.

So, think about it, think if she really, really need to know it. ;-)

Kisses

Patricia

[mykell]

hello erin,
commendable how you help out around the house.....sorry to hear about your dad.

this is a link i share with folks when they ask for advise to come clean to theyre mates,
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

i would just add that wait till January after all the holidays just in case it does not go well, pity to ruin them for anyone involved.

i wish you well....

[Crissy 107]

Erin, I agree that Mom’s always know and since she knows from before I don’t think it will come as a big surprise. I think to pick your time when she can ask some questions, there will be some for sure, and go for it. Just think beforehand how you want to approach it.

[Andrea2656]

If you are expecting to live with you mom for the foreseeable future (1-2 years) you really need to tell her since you want to be able to live the way you want and the includes the ability to crossdress.

The big question is how to tell her. I agree that having a sense of how you mother feels about LGBT issues is helpful. It is especially helpful if she knows any LGBT people or has friends that have LGBT children. Her reaction to their situation may help. However, be ware that the attitude that it is fine for others but not my family may exist. I do not know your sexual orientation but remember that the immediate reaction is not going to be that "I recognize that some normative heterosexual men crossdress." The assumption is that you are gay, bi or desiring to transition. My wife still thinks that deep down I want to transition even though we have discussed this extensively.

Another thing is to write down what you want to say. It helps you make the points you need to make to help her understand what you are going through. It also gives her something to go back to when the heightened emotions of the minute has subsided.

Good luck.

[Rayleen]

Erin, would you dress in front of her or anyone. For me once you pass the test its much easier. But first I would talk to her if you're close enough.

[GretchenJ]

I just want to clarify, I'm not intending on going full time, or even really increasing the amount of time I spend dressed up. I'm perfectly happy only doing it once a month or so, I would just rather not keep it a total secret if I don't absolutely have to, and maybe have a little extra space to put my things.

Thank you for the response

Hey Erin,

What we are trying to say is (at least what I think is), that you are just getting over an emotional hurdle in regaining employment, what would your emotional outcome be IF you told your mom and IF it goes bad. Would the outcome emotionally effect to perform your peak at your job.

So stagger your issues. Wait until you are rock solid at your new job before tackling your CD announcement. As it relates to your packages, look into Amazon lockers for your deliveries.

Best of luck of both issues and let us know how you make out.

[Cheryl T]

If mom found out years ago and you think she knows now and hasn't said anything then I would say she's open to discussion.
If your relationship with her is good and you feel you can talk to her then I would just try to find a time when it's quiet and you both can just sit down and have a conversation about this.

I know my mom knew and she never said anything. I just wish I had had the courage to come out to her, even if it was later on before she died. I think my feelings about myself and my dressing would have been much better had I done so. Who knows where it would have led, but at least that monkey would have been off my back.

[LovingThePanties]

First of all, as others have advised, you should focus first and foremost on career. If you can't afford to live on your own w/ your new job, you should find out if there are opportunities for advancement at that company that would allow you to do so. If not, you should be pursuing professional certificates and possibly night school on the side. It's optimal to have your own place and be self-sufficient by the time you're out of college aged.

As for telling your mother, I'd weigh what the actual benefits are and to whom the benefits accrue. If it's just so that you can get packages delivered to your house instead of going to an Amazon locker or being able to dress freely around the house a couple of times per month, it's probably not worth it to tell her. Essentially, if you're only a once a month type dresser, the primary benefit seems to be convenience for you, and w/out knowing your mother, there doesn't seem to be a benefit for her (although I could be wrong). If it's something that creates friction in the relationship, it's probably not a net benefit to you either. Personally, I would wait a little while until you can move out of the house, at which time you probably won't feel a desire to tell her. BTW, I'm about your age, but I have my own place so this isn't an issue I am dealing w/.

[Stephanie47]

IMHO, it all comes down to risk vs reward. If you're dressing once or twice a month what is the perceived outcome if you tell your mother? More dressing time? Dressing around her? Or she now has some knowledge she did not have before? Mother's are not dumb. If you're receiving packages in the mail all the time she may have some thoughts that you are a cross dresser. What's the risk? Will she boot you out her home? Will your relationship become contentious?

At age twenty-four you should have some idea how she will react. Sometimes you can get some idea by opinions she has voiced. Or religious tenants she professes. I think most mothers will not disown their sons or daughters. But, you never know.

Since you're coming up to some self imposed deadline (12/31) I suggest rethinking the time frame. Christmas time is not a good time to have the world crashing down on you or your mother.

[jandebs]

Why should Erin keep it secret as a priority over focusing on her career? It sounds like she's got a perfectly realistic and responsible attitude towards work and helping mum out anyway. At 24, she's doing nothing more than being herself, and being single has no relationship that demands she hold back on cross dressing.

Keeping it secret, thinking it has to be a secret is a massively corrosive attitude. If it's not necessary why torture yourself?

[chelyann]

erin
you should wait until after New years, the holidays bring a lot of extra stress and with your dads passing a couple of years ago she may still be struggling with it and not letting it show.

[Beverley Sims]

Like others, wait till the new year and find a suitable time then.

With getting work things might improve and you can then spread your wings.

Meantime get into shape financially.

[Rhonda Jean]

Since there is no possible way to adequately explain crossdressing and it's infinity shades to anybody, I always suggest showing instead of telling, and doing so a little at a time. For instance... I assume you shave your legs. Let her see that you do, and just tell her you like the way it looks/feels. Polish your nails, and open up that line of communication. I don't think you should push any boundaries at your new job with feminine clothes or longer hair, but you can certainly feminize your casual off-work clothes. I'm not talking dresses and skirts, but girl's jeans, maybe leggings and a longer top. Just wear things that fit your style without overwhelming her. Start wearing panties, or a least those men's briefs that are essentially panties. She'll see that it's not the end of the world, and you'll ease into conversation about it.

[Shelly Preston]

Erin

I would suggest you don't do anything until after the holidays. A few weeks will not make a lot of difference to you.

The pressure would be on your mom to try and understand you.

Which while coping with the holidays which can be a stressful enough time wont be easy.

[Maria in heels]

Erin....my thoughts about your mom are related to my own. I was found out as well, and everyone in the family knew that I liked to dress in heels and dresses. Over the years, I kept it hidden as always, and grew up and moved out, taking my clothes with me. I do have a wife that knows about Maria and has no issue with my collection of things, and I honestly never said anything about my dressing to my first stepmother, especially since I was wearing her things when I was young. I actually told her about 5 years ago, that as you know, I like to dress and wear heels and yes, my wife knows, but I try to keep it from my boys. I know that it is tough and I just wanted to tell her, and once I did, things continued on as if I had not said anything, but I did feel much better.

[Erin.Sometimes]

Thank you for the responses everyone. Apologies for not being able to respond more thoroughly but y'know, work and all. Waiting until after the holidays may be a good call. I think I'll just play it by ear from here on out. I won't plan anything out too extensively because that'll just make me nervous, but if there's a quiet moment when we're just like, watching TV or something, I might bring it up :)