A little embarrassed and proud at the same time.

[Tina June]

Today while out and about with my wife (I was dressed to blend) we stopped for lunch at a fast food chain, when we gave our order the cashier asked for a name - I gave my male name, (because my wife does not like me using a femme name -she does not want to be married to a woman) The cashier then says "How about your female name?" He was very polite about it (and perhaps gay - no offense) I did not want to offend my wife, so I looked at her and she says "Tommy". Not what I would like to have said but acceptable.
It appears that "Tommy" is OK, but Tina is not. Oh Well...

[Maria in heels]

Well Tina...I think that you need to give your wife her applause for allowing you to dress while with her, and if the name bothers her, its something that I think you should be able to put up with, in my opinion. I may be wrong because I don't know the entire relationship, but I see it as a give and take, and that goes both ways

[Jaylyn]

Really what's in a name? Look at it this way you are dressed and your wife is out with you it's a win win.

[Tina June]

Maria -
Yes, my wife is quite accepting overall, but she has her limits - which I try to honor. I was very proud of her response to the cashier.

[Michaelasfun]

How about "Tomi"? :)

[Joyce Swindell]

To me it seems a bit off going out with you presenting female and insisting you use your male name in a situation like that. Does she want you to be embarrassed or humiliated? Or is that a desire for you?

It's cool either way as you seem to be ok with it.

[Beverley Sims]

You get them now and then, those that read you and admit it at the same time.

[Micki_Finn]

You did the appropriate thing in this situation. You came to something you knew would push your wife’s boundaries and deferred to her and let her decide what was acceptable to her. Great compromise.

[Tracii G]

Why do people seem to associate people that accept or are nice to trans/ CD ers that they must be gay?
Saying "no offense" does not make it OK or absolve you from going ahead and saying something offensive anyway.
Its just a way to make you feel better about being offensive.

PS "no offense" is one of my pet peeves because I see it all the time from people that their whole objective was to be rude and offensive.
If you don't agree then fine and I am not going to argue with anyone over it.
Its just the way I feel about it because I have been thru it so many times.

[Tracy Irving]

When asked to give a name I just make something up. Male, female, perennial, automobile, etc... Nobody cares.

[Helena]

Tina, like Micki I think it was a good compromise.

Tracii - I agree with you about "no offense". People often use it as carte blanche, or perhaps a "get out of jail free card", to be rude or offensive.

[Kari_A]

I’m very new to the idea of my wife knowing about this side of me but it seems like a good decision to defer to her regarding an exception to something that was previously agreed upon and Tommy is still a male name. What seems odd to me is that a server would reject the name he was given. Is that something that happens often? Might have been interesting to see his response if she’d just given him the same name you did to begin with.

[Stephanie47]

Some are named at birth with a name which covers both genders such as Terry/Terri or Bobby/Bobbie. Even Stevie works for both.

[Charlotte7]

This is the sort of thing that happens here. I'm dressed and my wife is the other side of the shop. She wants me to look at something so she uses her pet name for my boy name, the same one she has used for over 30 years. I go over and have a look at whatever it is. And this bothers me not a jot, never has and never will.

[DaisyLawrence]

The very FIRST time I ever went out as 'all-woman' (something I call the full Daisy) I was with my wife and in the very first shop there was only me and her and the shop keeper and she shouted my male name loudly to get my attention and then, realising the error, she quickly corrected herself. She may as well have shouted "Hey you, the tranny over there". Until this point I had been doing a very good job of winging it. We laugh about it now but she has never done it since. Nowadays I mostly present as my true androgenous self mostly and she uses my real name but would prefer it if I had a gender neutral name. We gave my son a gender neutral name but he doesn't seem to appreciate the fact, go figure?

[Kay J]

How about just your last name:)

[Helen_Highwater]

Tina,

I applaud you for respecting your wife's wishes but perhaps there's another side to this which she should give consideration to.

We all like it when referred to by those we come into contact with use the correct pronoun, Madam, miss etc. even gender neutral ones such as dear or flower feel good to us. So isn't it just as important for us and in this case your SO to recognise that if someone takes the trouble to address and treat us accordingly then there's a duty to respond accordingly. To respect their actions.

I will make the argument that it's as much about respecting the actions to those who serve us in as much as they show respect towards us. On the few occasions situations like this arise it would nave been good of your SO to acknowledge the effort made by the SA and gone with the flow. Wouldn't a compromise be to use her name. After all, why should it always be the man who takes the lead? We strive to have equality so shouldn't it be just as appropriate for the female to offer their name?

I felt for the SA. He did all the right things and was left probably a little bemused and uncertain of what to do in the future. I fully understand why your SO opts to use your name in your one on one dealings but when it comes to interactions with others perhaps her stance needs to soften.

[abbiedrake]

I'm with Michaela. I got the sense from your post that that was what she intended. Seems like a fair compromise.
Makes me wonder. When (not if Abbie remember) I finally head out with the wife will it be Chrissie? She doesn't know I'm Abigail yet. She knows girl me but not that I chose a name.
Thing is we used to joke with clinicians etc about names because she's Lee and I'm Chris so at appointments they'd expect a man instead of her and when both names were present the assumption was always that Chris was Christine/Christina.
Yeah it would have been simpler but here I am, Abbie not Chrissie or Tina.

Oh and I have to agree with Traci over the gay comment.

[Crissy 107]

Well I’m lucky to have a gender neutral name, my wife does call me Crissy occasionally and one friend who does not know about my feminine side always calls me Crissy. I didn’t like it though when I was a young kid in school writing Christopher was a pain in the...
I understand to an extent what Tracii said but the op did not intend it as a negative thing, just to explain his point. Ok I hope I did not just poke the hornets nest.

[alwayshave]

That's why my name is a variation of my male name. My wife goes out with me but does take issues with pronouns and saying Jamie. The other night at a meetup she did refer to me as Jamie to another girl in my group. I was pretty happy with that.

[abbiedrake]

@Chrissy Me too (on writing Christopher). Plus 35 years of a mother unwilling to contract to Chris despite everyone else in my life doing so was a factor in my changing my name legally a few years ago. And now I've got Abbie just to trip up anyone who got used to Chris. 😂

[Di]

Just use your initials . I’m a GG and do that all the time.

[deebra]

The cashier, what is his background to know about CD/Trans/Gay to clock you and know about a female name? He just might be on the same page as you. And that would be great.

[Joan58]

When asked to give a name I just make something up. Male, female, perennial, automobile, etc... Nobody cares.

Same here Tracy, When asked for a name I just say whatever pops into my head. Sometimes Bob, maybe Carl, They really do not care, just want something to call out when your order is ready.

[Krisi]

You could have given your wife's name.

It's hard for me to understand that your wife is willing to go out with you dressed and made up as a woman but insists on calling you by your male name. Some male names work both ways of course, but "Homer" or "Bruce" don't.

[Taylor186]

Maybe you wife meant Tommi or Tommie.

Google says: The name Tommi is of English and Finnish origin. The meaning of Tommi is "twin". Female version used as "a twin" to the male Tommy, "acting like her 'twin' in action, speech, strong bond".

[Patience]

“Tammy” sounds a heck of a lot like “Tommy”.

Maybe you could use that and get away with it?

[Roxanne Lanyon]

Although divorced, I enjoy being referred to as "Roxanne" always. It just makes me feel oh so sweet!
Roxanne Lanyon

[Sophiaro13]

Just being able to go out dressed with your wife is a blessing, baby steps though, I'm sure your wife will become more used to it eventually

[Tina June]

“Tammy” sounds a heck of a lot like “Tommy”.

Maybe you could use that and get away with it?

I love the name "Tammy" - however I have a very dear old friend (whom I haven't seen in years) named Tammy and I don't want to steal her name!

Thank you to all for your comments! I have gotten a few ideas to help me in the future.

[Alice B]

your wife is a great support and the name is not at all important.

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

My femme name has been Tammy Lynn for 40 years even my wife slips and calls me when we are shopping. It is funny watching the look on her face when she realizes what she said. she has called me her Knight In Rusty Armor since we have been together so in public she can call me Kira and nobody is the wiser. It always brings a smile to my face.

[susan54]

In Scotland it would be rare for a woman to be called Jamie - I have never heard of one. Men called James are almost always addressed as Jim or Jamie - and male Jamie is VERY common.

[Sometimes Steffi]

The very FIRST time I ever went out as 'all-woman' (something I call the full Daisy) I was with my wife and in the very first shop there was only me and her and the shopkeeper and she shouted my male name loudly to get my attention and then, realising the error, she quickly corrected herself.


I go to a neuro-psych doctor, sometime in fully femme. Most of the staff have seen me en femme, but whenever I go en femme, I pass a note to the receptionist to call me by Steffi. If someone from the staff calls for [boy name], I just ignore it because it's not my "nom de jour". Eventually, they figure out their "mistake" and call for Steffi.

I'm also kind of fussy about my girl name. When I'm out with the girls, someone may call me Stephanie. I do respond to Stephanie, but also tell them that my name is Steffi.