For EVERYONE here who goes out into the RW "dressed".

[Wildaboutheels]

Full bore 100 % trying to "pass as a woman". Or nothing but high heels. Or skirt. Or just a female wig. Manner of presentation is irrelevant to this question.

Based on your OWN EXPERIENCE, which do you think is more important to NOT being hassled.

1) WHAT you are wearing/how you are presenting? Or...?

2) OWNING IT. Confidence, plain and simple.

If your answer is #2, can we all agree that to only way to get this Confidence is from going out over and over??? Repetition.

[Patience]

I think that it’s important to convey to others that one is serious about one's dressing and that one expects to be taken seriously.

So it’s really a combination of attire and attitude, imo.

[Charlotte7]

I have to say that it's number 2. It matters far less what you wear and how you wear it because enough people are going to see you and know the truth, but if you own it, if you go out there with confidence and present yourself as yourself then that becomes impossible to argue against. That's the most important thing, just be yourself.

If what you wear and how you wear is important then people like me would be hassled from pillar to post, but I'm not, I just quietly and confidently make my way in the world.

[Elizabeth G]

I think for me it's really a mix of both but with an emphasis on confidence. Maybe 60% confidence 40% presentation?

[Asew]

I am pretty timid as a male, so my first ventures out partially femme were very timid. Now I act more confident dressed than when in male mode. I don't think my level harassing has changed at all as I practiced and gained confidence.

Attire can be an issue, but mostly when you are going towards fetish type wear at a non-fetish place that even normal woman would get harassed by other women for wearing.

I think if someone is going to harass you about it, it is on them and not you. Even if you changed your attire some or confidence some it would not have mattered.

[Helen_Highwater]

I have to agree with Elizabeth in that it's a mix of both. That said, confidence can be bred by having a good presentation and by that I mean if you mirror what the GG's around you are wearing so as to not stand out, then it's my experience that to answer the question, If your answer is #2, can we all agree that to only way to get this Confidence is from going out over and over??? Repetition, then yes the more you go out, the more comfortable it becomes.

Confidence helps but it's not a magic shield, a force field around you. Being outlandish, loud or flamboyant even if exuding oodles of confidence is likely to draw sometimes unwanted and less that complementary attention.

It's achieving that balance between looks and manner. Could it not be the case that as we go out more, we get more comfortable, our confidence grows, that's mirrored back to us in out interactions with others, we become more comfortable. From my very early days of going out where I came into contact with the public by varying amounts right up to recent times, I can't say that I've experienced any true harassment. True I don't go out as often as many but when I do it's for many hours and in differing locations. Perhaps I choose the where's wisely and therefore don't place myself in situations were harassment is more likely to occur.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Wild,
I think you can own it all you want, but if you’re dressed like a $2 hooker in the middle of a grocery store you’re opening yourself up to some undue attention.

As to the second part of your questioning...Yes, repetition has helped with my confidence.
Although...a glass (or 2) of wine works pretty good too!

Much Love,
Kristyn

[Phoebe Reece]

What you wear and how you present yourself is usually what determines whether people notice you or not. The amount of confidence you show in your presentation will determine how people that notice you react to you. Confidence alone may not be enough though. Many GG's get hassled every day. Be aware of your surroundings.

[Micki_Finn]

I’m going to say #1 is more important to not being hassled honestly. Ive seen girls that were pretty timid but their presentation was on point so nobody looked at them close enough to clock them. Ive also seen people with an ABUNDANCE of confidence, but looked like their wig was on sideways, lipstick put on in the dark, totally mismatched and inappropriate outfit. You get one guess as to which one got pointed and laughed at more.

Bottom line is that confidence isn’t a magic shield that hides the flaws in your presentation.

[DaisyLawrence]

Number 2

Depends on the individual. Some are naturally confident others not. I don't need to practice anything to have confidence in doing it, I just need the desire to do it. We are all different. If one needs repetition to achieve confidence then I am sure it will come with time. Happy days ahead for those that do, even if difficult at first. :)

[Wildaboutheels]

Does less scared equate to more confidence?

If anyone here was not "scared" the first time they went out "dressed", how about "nervous"?

If neither word works, how would you describe your very first trip out into the RW?

Terrified?

[Tracii G]

First time I was nervous thats about the extent of it.Nothing earth shattering happened.
For me if going out in 100% girl mode I try my best to look and act as female would.
I don't overdo mannerisms or try to walk in a sexy or provocative fashion.
Owning it is confidence and it takes both confidence and attitude plus proper presentation to be taken seriously.
Go out in a fright wig,bad make up and a mini skirt isn't going to win any awards. People will stare and laugh but what do you expect?
Dress for the venue is very important.
Be tasteful not trashy even if you do like trashy.

[Debra Russell]

…..scared no, nervous yes - first time out was exhilarating. I have been out a lot and never hassled; and as for your question I believe 1, and 2, are very important and as for "passing" if your presentation is more blending and not so in your face, you will have a more fulfilling experience ……………………………………..Debra

[TheHiddenMe]

I think there is an option 3 to not getting hassled; being fortunate not to run into people who hassle you.

As to option 1, what you wear is always a conundrum; dress to blend or dress as to what you want to wear. I like to wear dresses with hose and heels, but few women wear those these days. So a person in a dress and heels is more likely to be noticed, but is it worth it if you get more satisfaction from wearing a dress and heels?

As to option 2, I'm not sure the word is confidence. It's more that I went out, there were no torches and pitchforks, so the fears I had built in my head didn't really exist (of course, with the proviso of being smart where you go). I've been out 100 times or so in the last two years, and I've never been hassled. Compliments yes, hassles no. People might notice I'm a guy underneath, but no one has said or done anything in a derogatory fashion.

So I'm not sure it's confidence, but rather all we have to fear is fear itself.

[Amelie]

It doesn't matter what I am wearing someone is always going to hassel me. And the same goes for confidence,having confidence doesn't mean someone isn't going to hssel me. So I vote for #3, none of the above. One will get hasseled depending where they go. Shop at a mall and things should be good. Go to a hardcore skinhead punk night and things might get dicey.

Was I nervous the first time out. No because I didn't really change much going from a punk teen boy to a punk teen girl. Just a skirt, tights is all that changed on me. Everything else I wore was the same as a teen boy, army boots, band tshirt, spiked hair style maybe I wore a bit more make up.

I didn't care about "passing" when I was young and I still don't care about "passing". I never say that I pass and rarely talk on the subject of passing. I don't care what others think of how I dress.

[Rachael Leigh]

I think number 2 is the best. Confidence is everything when one goes out dressed. If your not passing which most of us don’t you have to show yourself to look as if you belong in the RW. Because once your clocked and you begin to hide or stop
eye contact and such then it shows yourself to be acting as if your doing something wrong.
The old saying own it girl works well for folks like us. You may still get harassed but I still think it’s best to show all hey I’m
just being me

[Teresa]

Wild....,
I had to think hard about this chicken and egg question , to come out fully in Februaury I had to consider seriously what everyday meant , maybe not so much to reduce the hassle but just to integrate into the RW .

So first choosing appropriate clothes for the circumstances , that also includes getting the makeup level right and in my case a careful choice of wig . Doing this gave me the confidence , I now go out without thinking about it , totally comfortable , confident , do I own it ? I guess so . Passing 100% perhaps not , the more you do it the easier it gets , lets not say it becomes mundane because there is always another challenge to take on board . Just today I had my first outing with family members , to mingle among strangers is one thing but to do it with family is a little trickier but it went very well .

First time out for me was in a full length ballgown to attend my first social group , I wasn't nervous because it felt so right stepping out the door . Driving the thirty miles was more thought provoking , wondering what other drivers saw and what they thought . I guess I was more anxious when I arrived at the venue hoping I didn't have a mishap in my dress and fall over in the 4" heels I'd never worn before . I had a great time and even stepped onto the dance floor .

I guess I'm lucky because never been hassled , harassed or misgendered and I really do every job now as Teresa . The bottom line is just be you ! I love my new life .

[AllieSF]

I have always had the confidence, so No. 1 and how I look was and still is important. However, that does not mean 2 hour makeup, dressed with high heels, nylons, etc. Since I have now progressed to full time, jeans, sweater, boots hidden under the jeans and only lipstick work fine with me. Yes, I truly agree and believe that the more one does something difficult the more confidence they will create in doing it again. I recommend going out as much as one can.

[Julie Slowinski]

Absolutely #2. Haters can smell fear. It’s a lot harder for them, if you are looking them straight in the eye. But, I will agree that dressing appropriate for the occasion helps - it shows respect for the people around you, which is your best bet for having that respect returned to you.

[Rachelish]

For me #2 follows on from #1. I've not been out often enough to be the best judge but I'd be surprised if further outings didn't add to my confidence.

[Beverley Sims]

You gotta do #1 fairly well first, THEN do a #2 over and over again.

You soon forget what you are trying to do as you don't need to try anymore.

Like yachting or flying, you then learn how to trim the rough bits and it is smooth sailing from then on. :-)

[GracieRose]

Both 1 and 2 are required in my estimation.
I got the confidence to go out the 1st time from reading other girls' experiences and advice on this site. I felt prepared.
After that, the first hand experience from going out over and over boosted my confidence further.

[Teri Ray]

Gotta agree that both are important but if you had to choose only one of the two I agree with Micki, you gotta get presentation right first then you confidence will carry you. That being said there is no way that either one of those points can overcome another person who chooses to be ignorant. I agree with others here that going out is, for me at least, the biggest combination of fear and excitement that I have ever experienced. A good day dressed is a confidence builder for sure.

[Leonora]

I have never been out in public in feminine attire, but I would think it would easier to go the first time if you were not going alone. I may could if I were going to costume party otherwise I don't know.

[MarinaTwelve200]

The only times I went out dressed was once to a Costume party where I won first place for my "Gypsy Fortune Teller" costume, And to a Womanless Beauty Contest at Church. I didn't win that one ;) CD is a "home thing" for me.---

I DID learn it is a LOT easier, psychologically, if you have a "Legitimate excuse" for it--as above.

[CarolBrown]

It’s mostly about confidence,but, also what you are wearing. If your dressed like your going to a party, then you are going to stand out if you’re in a supermarket. I’ve been out a few times obviously femininly dressed whilst doing my regular shopping and had no issues, even treated like a woman at the checkout.

I don’t generally wear much makeup, beyond the absolute minimum and even at just over 6' tall don’t have any issues...

[Michaelasfun]

Number 1 here. I’ve made quite an effort to emulate GGs’ clothing based on a given setting; much of this reconnaissance can be done in drab first. Then when you’re aligned with appropriate garb for the occasion, you feel more confident and less stand-outish, at least that’s how it worked for me.

[Zoeytgtx]

Got to line up with the camp that believes confidence is the most important thing when going out. Sure clothes can make the woman but you do have to hold your head up high. And lets face it, clothing can't talk for you when you have to interact with someone. Proper attire may keep you from getting the second look from a distance, but the closer anyone gets is when your confident presentation kicks in.

[Ceera]

I have said for some time now that confidence / attitude is a major part of either ‘really passing’ or ‘no one is going to take a chance at guessing wrong’. When you really ‘own it’, when you act like this is how you’ve always looked, and if they don’t like it, it’s their problem, not yours - that is a tipping point for many of us. When a martial arts instructor teaches about self defense for women, one of the first lessons usually is, ‘don’t look like a victim’. Whether the threat is a mugger or an insulting bigot, they think twice about bothering you if you don’t look afraid - particularly if you look like you could give them worse in return if they bothered you. Act like you have every right to be there, and as if there is nothing unusual about yourself, and those seeking trouble will often overlook you, seeking an easier target.

For me, it was learning to do public speaking and to perform in front of an audience, plus martial arts training, all of it as a male, which gave me that sort of palpable confidence when I go out as a woman. Crowds and strangers looking at me don’t make me afraid, and I was used to ‘assuming a role’ and acting as if that was what I did every day. So on the very first occasion where I went out to a crowded mall en-femme, my daughter remarked that one of the biggest reasons no one questioned my gender was my attitude. I did not look like I had any questions myself on the subject. In my mind, I was a woman, there to shop and have dinner, and that was that. People could see that in how I moved and acted.

Repitition can instill confidence, and can reinforce success. But the core of that confidence has to start within yourself. At the very least, you need to be able to accept that even if you aren’t a classic example of feminine beauty, at least you are within the extremes of female norms. And honestly, if you are trying to pass at all, you probably look more feminine than at least a few of the cisgender women near you.

If you are not trying to pass - for example, if you’re presenting very much as a male, but rocking a killer set of very feminine high heels, attitude can still protect you to some degree. If you saw Jackie Chan sauntering down the sidewalk in heels, you might get a chuckle at the juxtaposition of appearance and expected norms. But as you watch him move with fluid grace, clearly at ease despite those heels, you would not be very likely to call him out on why he was wearing them.

[t-girlxsophie]

I've gained so much confidence going out,but I know that if I didn't have the presentation right it wouldn't matter a jot.In my early days the first CD friend I made was OTT in her presentation,i loved her dearly but when we were out together,we (she) certainly raised a few eyebrows and withering looks.Much more than I get now either when alone or with friends

Sophie

[DaisyLawrence]

If you saw Jackie Chan sauntering down the sidewalk in heels, you might get a chuckle at the juxtaposition of appearance and expected norms. But as you watch him move with fluid grace, clearly at ease despite those heels, you would not be very likely to call him out on why he was wearing them.

You would also not be very wise to call him out for wearing them :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhNcqdZCgPE

[sara66]

If you don't want to be hassled, you need both attitude and to dress appropriate. You can't wear a micro mini and 6" stilettos to the mall and not draw attention.
Sara

[Rhonda Jean]

We probably don't all define "hassled" the same way. To some it might be that they thought somebody was "thinking it". Others wouldn't notice anything short of a direct confrontation. In over 40 years of going out I've heard the snickers, overheard comments, been asked questions, and been complimented effusively. I agree with someone else who said it depends on who you run into.

I don't think it's as simple as one or the other.

[Krisi]

It's both #1 and #2. People expect to see a man or a woman, not a mixture, not a man in a dress. If you want to go out and not make a spectacle of yourself, you have to dress 100% female and that includes no hair on your face and appropriate makeup. It also includes dressing appropriately for the place and time of day.

As far as "confidence", women have been female their entire lives. They are confidant in their "femaleness". You need to spend as much time as possible dressed and acting like a female whether you are out or at home. Get use to having boobs and a larger butt. Get used to having longer hair. Practice walking, siting and standing as a female does.

[Teresa]

Sophie,
That is a tricky subject , who sets the standard for being out and about ? Some just don't want to blend and some don't have any idea what is right and wrong .

Dress code is a subjective thing , who sets the standard ? I still feel I'm OTT at times but it is a fine dividing line , personally I'm possibly over aware of male traits and feel I need to try harder to cover them but in doing so I make it more obvious what I'm trying to cover up .

[t-girlxsophie]

Teresa your right in what you say. But to put it in context My friend at that time was in her late 50s and dressed like a street walker (micro mini,crop top,white boots,peroxide blonde wig the lot) the one time she dressed a month was all she got and she was happy with that and she really didn't give a toss what anyone thought.A real one off

Sophie

[Teresa]

Sophie,
I'm use to that situation now I attend three social groups , those few hours are the only escape for some people . OK It's more tricky when it's in a public place , it poses the question do they know what they are doing or should you take them aside and have a quiet word . I appreciate it's a fine balancing act , I accept I don't pass 100% but there is differnce between being questionable and possibly making a fool of yourself and everyone with you .

[susan54]

I don't dress to blend. The reason I dress is to look and feel elegant in womenswear (dresses and skirts) and my clothes are well-matched and often expensive. Very early on in my public venturing I got my colour and style analysed. This gave me a lot of confidence and I feel really good about my appearance when I am out. I do not get hassle and I get lots of compliments from women - which I absolutely love. When I go shopping or dine in a restaurant I tend to be one of the most smartly dressed. My mother used to do the same thing - she was always the most elegant in the room. Dig that, Freud!

[Heisthebride]

Confidence is key and I have gained confidence through repetition. Certainly looking good helps in creating confidence. I chose to grow my hair long so I wouldn’t have to worry about wigs. I am to a point now that I don’t even have to fully dress when I go out. Sometimes I will wear no makeup a few days of beard growth with a skirt, tights and heels and a male cut T-shirt. I have been out to lunch dressed fully male but with long red fingernails. I still enjoy going full on girl mode too and can go to lunch by myself dressed up.

I will add a third element, environment. I’m not going to do this at a biker bar or a rural mom and pop cafe. I live in a big cosmopolitan and liberal leaning city so I can feel comfortable walking down the street without anticipating much in the way of being hassled.

I still think of confidence as being most important.

[Heather Anne]

I would argue that both 1 and 2 are very important. What you are wearing, how you are presenting yourself and having the confidence to be yourself makes all the difference. Besides 1 & 2 you must also take into consideration the venue / location where you are. Most women today would not be dressed to nines to go grocery shopping but would be dressed to the nines to attend a banquet or concert. The same thing applies to those of us that go out in public completely dressed as a woman. Dress appropriately at all times. Yes repetition is the key to building the confidence to get out in public. For me the key to building the confidence within myself was being out with other cross dressers. Learning from them in the early days what to do and what not to do can make all the difference.

[Becky Blue]

Really great question Wild... I would say its a combination of both. I believe you have to be dressed appropriately it fit in, but you also very much need to own your space. Any nervous behavior will attract attention. I can only go off my own experience, I did not need to go out multiple times to gain my confidence to own my space. I guess there are many factors involved such as your general confidence level, where you go, who you go with. In my case maybe I was lucky on my first outing to be with a girl who was so super confident and uncaring about what people thought, that I realised very early on that confidence made things easier.

[MonicaPVD]

I think you should dress in a way that makes you feel confident and good about yourself. That may mean blending in unassuming or standing out like Rudolf the red nose Reindeer. I enjoy blending into the crowd but occasionally do love to dress a bit edgy and draw attention.

[Cheryl T]

Both are important.
If your attire draws undo attention or if you are the “deer in the headlights “ you will be a target for those that wish to act important and put you down.

[Shirley Anne]

At 6ft 6in in heels wearing a pencil skirt form fitting blouse, nylons and heels Im never going to blend or pass for that matter. Confidence is the big thing in being comfortable in the real world and whilst it wont stop you being hassled it will help you deal with it much easier.

[closets]

you are seen first, so how you are dressed matters a lot. i always think about what i'm doing and where I'll be. will a regular fem dress like me?
confidence is important, and I fake it by emulating the type of fem that I'm dressing as. I also plan out my tasks. how long would it take for a normal person to do this task (eg buy groceries, etc)? once upon a time, I used to wander aimlessly and people can see this, and i don't like to draw unneeded attention

[Lana Mae]

1. Don't go to the grocery store dressed like a hooker! Clothing to fit the occasion! You want to sort of blend in with the other ladies!
2. Own it like you belong there! Go to the grocery store act feminine (not overly!) and shop as you, not as female or male, just you! Confidence!!! Repeat as often as possible!
Just using the grocery store as an example but I am sure you get the idea! Wishing you the best going forward on your journey!
Hugs Lana Mae