Ageing out?

[Rhonda Jean]

Yesterday I had an appointment for a haircut at a Dillard's salon I've been going to for several months. The hair salon used to be my thing in a big way. Now with short hair that I still hate and am still not used to, all that is gone. I obviously can't do the whole female thing at the salon anymore since I require a wig for that, but I still try to make it as pleasant as I can. I wore leggings, a long lightweight hoodie, Anne Klein flats, and carried a clutch. It was an outfit that flew totally under the radar, as it was intended. Absolutely nobody paid a bit of attention to me, which was also intended.

Thing is, it felt odd. I've been out a million times, full girl and not. This should be very familiar ground. Yesterday it was just different. It was like walking mindlessly down a familiar street and going a block too far and not realizing where you are. That male face in the salon mirror looking back at me is quite disconcerting, given what I used to see in a salon mirror. But it's not just that. I had one of those "What the hell am I doing?" moments. I've had a few of those lately. I've had some relationship issues lately that probably magnify those feelings, but I don't think it's just that. I also realize that often these feelings are fleeting, and I may be just living for being full-on fem this weekend.

It does make me seriously consider, though, if the time is coming for me to put it all away for good. Maybe I've aged out. Maybe I've reached a point of saturation. Maybe whatever this strange force is that has driven me so headlong into living my life as nearly to that of a woman as a non-transitioner can conceive is finally all used up. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I hope it's not gone. For my whole life, "it" has been there. Thrills, escape, comfort... This has been such a source of so many wonderful moments in my life I sure don't want to give it up! No way I'll ever give it up entirely, but right now I'm seeing this winding down to where the extent of my cding might be a purse and nail polish. I hope not!

[Teresa]

Rhonda,
You must be a mind reader I nearly posted a thread on this topic a few week ago.

My male hair while not a 100% coverage was giving me problems with wearing my wig . So I booked an appointment as Teresa in the male section of a unisex hair salon . So now my dilemma , how to dress ? The point is I'm determined to remain 100% dressed in my new home town , If in go in dressed I will have to slip my wig off , going in in drab solves the problem but I hated it , despite that it was the option I took . As it turned out I didn't have a problem , a female customer was under the dryer with her back to me . The owner appologised that there could be a wait as the guy who does the men's hair was off sick but after a few minutes she showed me to the chair and did the most gentle haircut I'd ever had . I must admit I hated every moment of looking in the mirror and seeing the male looking back at me, she did make it easy and talked about caring for my wig , as I went to pay her she did admit she would have preferred me as Teresa , I agreed with her and said perhaps next time .

No way am I "ageing out " the salon was only five minutes away from my home so I soon got dressed and madeup to head off shopping .

I don't want to appear to be hijacking your thread but in mine I was going to ask how others deal with this problem of dressing while having their hair cut .

[Jenny22]

Rhonda, age is reflected in the mirror, not in the mind. Just be yourself.

[Sheren Kelly]

I had one of those "What the hell am I doing?" moments. I've had a few of those lately.
I'm no therapist, but I can say I have been there too. I feel as if I am riding a wave at times as the need to be femme takes over and becomes such a strong driver that I feel certain that transition is necessary, then as time passes, I find my own "What the hell am I doing?" moment. For me, gender dysphoria is ever present. Even if I were to transition, I would eventually find myself uncomfortable within my own skin. I have resolved to ride the wave in the present and hold close those friends who know my complexities and still find a way to accept me as I am (in whatever way I present myself.)

[ronni white]

To be happy in your own life is the best there is.

[Crissy 107]

Rhonda Jean, We all have ups and downs, hang in there you will be ok.

[Sarah Doepner]

I've always been a believer in the saying "Constant Change is Here to Stay". Given that, be patient, and as Ronni suggests, find what makes you happy. I've found my ideas of how I deal with my gender identity have changed as I've gotten older. I'm still transgender but some of what I used to do wasn't working for me and I've found other avenues for expression that do work. It may be time for something new or something old with a new twist or adaptation to see if you just need more variety. Occasionally it's not a bad idea to back away from this if it's feeling forced or not making you happy. I'm not suggesting a purge, but it could be time for a little vacation to find a new perspective on how you deal with your gender. If it's something you are aging out of, it will happen regardless of what you do. In any case, it's not the end of the world, just a change in how you understand and address it.

[kimdl93]

Had those moments more often than I care to recall. What I’ve learned is that if I have such a moment, it’s invariably followed by a realization that I’m neither willing nor able to give up or suppress my gender identity. Sure, there are times when I am harshly critical of my appearance and reluctant to present in public as ‘one of those’. Thankfully, the feeling never lasts too long.

[Rhonda Jean]

hold close those friends who know my complexities and still find a way to accept me as I am (in whatever way I present myself.)

I'm not sure I have any of those in the real world. Only a couple where I can show up to their house dressed and it'd be expected.

To jump totally to another platform... I value my friends here. I'm not sure that we are not the best friends to have, and some of the very best people on the planet. I'm not getting sappy about it. I think that from a human standpoint we tend to be compassionate, accepting, and understanding. I'm not sure how much of that you get outside of us, and I'm not just talking about acceptance our particular lifestyle. I think it translates pretty seamlessly into other aspects of life. Not that I'm suggesting I'm going there, but if I never so much as put on another pair of panties, I'm a hell of a lot better person now for having lived ALL the aspects of my life that I have.

I have no idea how to manage this aspect of my life in the years to come. It came easy to me (with notable exceptions) until now. I know that to continue, my view and expectations of myself have to change. Everybody deals with that. My physical changes have outpaced my acceptance of them. That's life. I was very lucky to live the life I did for all those years prior. Dealing properly with the inevitable change is much more difficult.

At one of the few support group meetings I've ever been to, I met a lady who had lost her wife a few years before. She was retired, I'm guessing 70-ish, and until her wife died she had never so much as tried on a dress. After her wife died, she grew her hair long, went to the "beauty shop" frequently, got her ears pierced, had her nails done frequently... you get the drift. She was truly lovely. She appeared to have "found herself" in a huge way. I don't know enough about her to know how she dealt with friends, family, and neighbors. I know that she maintained a male identity. I thought even then, that she was what I would hope to age into, and surely with a lifetime of experience that'd be easy. Turns out, not so much. Part of it is that for her it was all new and exciting and purposeful. I hope to get some of that back. I hope that whatever neuron is not firing right now will get recharged. In the meantime, thanks for the pep talk!

[Rachael Leigh]

Rhonda , I’ve often wondered the same thing as I age and will I just put Rachael in the back of the closet like an old suit.
At this point as one who goes about my day as non binary I really don’t think I will totally. The salon thing is familer to me
too as I go get my hair done at a beauty school and for now am blessed with still a good bit of hair and I always go in full
fem mode and they all know me well there. So I guess time will tell but I really think Rachael is here to stay

[Maid_Marion]

Is there something feminine that can be done with your hair that you would like? Perhaps a pixie cut with hair coloring?

[Amelie]

I am not a psych expert so take my words as just my words.

I think your feelings run deeper than just the hair situation. There are probably women out there that have hair loss and they still need to go to the hairdressers. I bet they wear a wig when they get there just to fix the hair underneath and put the wig on when they leave. I am sure it is an emotional let down for the woman as it is for you. Probably the thing is we got to work with what we have and do the best we can to be happy. Also I see women wearing a scarf like thing on their heads, sometimes they wear a sort of bikers scarf bandana on their head. Just do this when going to the barber. Unless a trip to the barber was an enjoyable moment you can always cut your own hair, maybe that's not so fun.

I think you have other issues that need dealing with. Maybe find someone to talk to on a personal level. I don't know much else but good luck.

[Beverley Sims]

No, all you do is make slight changes to how you present yourself.

Maybe you need to wear a wig more often now.

[GracieRose]

Rhonda,
I occasionally think about what will happen as I get older. Will I age out of this? Will illness push this out of my life? After thinking about it and not getting anywhere, I usually just decide to forget it for now and I'll deal with it later when it becomes an issue.
It appears that it has become an issue for you. Unfortunately, I have no wise advice, other than take a deep breath, and think about it in the background of your mind for a while. It may take a while, but you'll eventually figure out what is best for you.
-Gracie

[Tracii G]

I have felt that way before so I just took a time out for 6 months (full Femme dressing) and just dressed in my 50/50 mode.
Went back after that and enjoyed all over again.
Not sure if being trans makes any difference of how it would affect a CDer only.
I would not read too much into it just do what makes you happy and don't dwell on things that make you sad.

[Sheren Kelly]

I'm not sure I have any of those in the real world. Only a couple where I can show up to their house dressed and it'd be expected.
I began volunteering in my femme life, building a world where everyone knows I am trans-something.
I volunteer at The Smithsonian Environmental Research Center near Annapolis (a group of geeky tree-hugging misfits that have made me part of the family)

299448

and am 1 of 2 T girls in a 9-Ball pool league that plays in a local bar. I also participate in several LGBTQ organizations and have a regular meet up at the Eastport Democratic Club where I am accepted as part of the family.

Some years ago I made the decision that it was more important for me to be taken seriously than to pass, so I stopped worrying about passing. Being gender dysphoric is a condition I manage by allowing myself to be femme as appropriate. Accepting this within me allows others to accept me as I am. Surprisingly, the response has been quite positive.

[Jean 103]

I hope not, I turn 63 in a few weeks.

I have felt kind a burnt out lately myself, and I dress every day. I wonder if I could ever go back to being just a guy. I know deep down the answer is no.

My friends know me as Jean.

So I only have two places left I do not show up both ways.

Work, it’s easier for me to represent as a guy at work. All it really means is my hair is a pony tail and I’m not wearing makeup.

The Bar, It’s just a line I will not cross, I have always been in full makeup.

Yes I can wear anything I want. My best friend thinks it’s great. Then she is not in my head. I prefer to be in full makeup all the time. Not really practical, but I did it for a year straight, and what a year.

Teresa,
One of my closest friends does my hair. She is the one that got me to stop wearing a wig. At first she would open her shop just for me. Now it no longer bothers me. Still I always want to be seen at my best.

She pointed out women have problems with hair loss too.

[Leslie Mary S]

I aam lucky my #2 daughter, who is in the inner circle, is my hair dresser.

[OCCarly]

Let me preface my post by saying that I am transitioning. I’ve learned the hard way that I cannot stay healthy and happy without a certain level of estrogen in my bloodstream.

That said, I think worrying about aging out is a function of conforming to society’s expectations rather that doing what all older folks should be doing: living by your own expectations and no one else’s.

If your hair means that much to you, and a male face in the mirror bothers you, then it might be time to re evaluate things, and maybe look at a partial transition, or an in the closet transition.

Going on finasteride and low dose HRT might save your hair and soften the face in the mirror a little. Facial hair removal is also something that can be done short of full transition that will make you look far more feminine when you want to, but won’t stop you from butching up if you need to be male.

Or, if chemicals and the hot needle of torture are not your thing, then maybe it’s time to consider a high end semi permanent hair piece.

But the most important thing about getting older and living out your life is to realize that it is your life. Once you reach a certain age, living to the expectations of others is over. Save the last part of your life for yourself. Live it on your terms. And enjoy it.

So unless cross dressing was just a hobby and you want to drop it and take up wing suit flying or join a punk rock band, no, don’t give it up. There is no age limit.

[Miss V]

I get this feeling every time I look in the mirror.

When I was in my twenties, I said to myself that I would stop when I'm thirty.

Now in my thirties, I say I'll stop when I'm fourty..... We'll see how that works out. Only a few more years to go.

[Alice Torn]

I have heard and read, that even Caitlyn Jenner is having some regrets about the whole thing now, and even considering going back into Bruce mode again. Not sure if it is true, but i am sure it comes into mind at times. i am just a very occasional dresser, and seldom feel like going through all the work of getting dolled up, now.

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There are extreme situations, that very few of us on here, have experienced, that would be "push came to shove" reasons to curtail ones dressing, such as civil war, or world war , large terrible natural disasters, famine, pandemics. In those cases, mere survival would trump all our dressing issues. Humans and animals are adaptable to many things.

[Alice B]

I really hear what you are saying. I am quickly approaching 77 and feel that whay few female traits I may have had are quickly fading away. I still want to dress, but have to ask myself "who am I fooling?" Every night I can't wait to put on my bra and forms for bed, but putting on make up, etc now seldom happens. I am totally lost as to where this is going.

[Leslie Mary S]

Some of us did not become fully active until we were pat the 40s.

[Julie Gaum]

Would love to add to this thread so will make it brief: Almost 94 so all the above responses are pretty much covered (re aging) in my final Blog - parts 1 to 4 in #78.
Julie
Go to website- www.neverclimbedhismountain.com and click "Blogs"

[Bobbi46]

I think we should not look at how old am I getting or I am too old to be doing this, thinking about growing old or being old to me is not a good thought, live for the now and the tomorrow and all of the other days and enjoy what you have, brooding over age? not good.

[OCCarly]

I have heard and read, that even Caitlyn Jenner is having some regrets about the whole thing now, and even considering going back into Bruce mode again. Not sure if it is true, but i am sure it comes into mind at times. i am just a very occasional dresser, and seldom feel like going through all the work of getting dolled up, now.

- - - Updated - - -

There are extreme situations, that very few of us on here, have experienced, that would be "push came to shove" reasons to curtail ones dressing, such as civil war, or world war , large terrible natural disasters, famine, pandemics. In those cases, mere survival would trump all our dressing issues. Humans and animals are adaptable to many things.

Caitlyn Jenner has no intention of detransitioning. That is an old tabloid rumor that has been thoroughly debunked. In recent photos she seems to be very happy with her new girlfriend.

[BobbiJo C]

Aging? Yes. Aging out, not possible. BobbiJo has been ingrained with me my whole life and will be to the end, No choices.

[jennifer 1]

thaks , i am 76 and not sure if i am aging out or jsut too tall. At 6 2 even with cutting heels to 2 inches i am sure i will be read. right now i am having second thoughts on an hair and nail appointment this afternoon. I am up, dressed, partner is traveling for a couple of weeks, and i made an appointment almost a week ago. Assume i will go without forms on, without make up, but was close to canceling an hour ago as i showered and shaved. I did read a post on another site and she said she did not shave her legs to sit home alone, she went out to diner was read, uneventfully, and it was ok, That was the support i needed to keep my appointment this afternoon and i am not likely to go to dinner, but am looking for a movie tomorrow night? will be interesting. and i thank those of you who post for i need that support right now

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Yesterday I had an appointment for a haircut at a Dillard's salon I've been going to for several months. The hair salon used to be my thing in a big way. Now with short hair that I still hate and am still not used to, all that is gone. I obviously can't do the whole female thing at the salon anymore since I require a wig for that, but I still try to make it as pleasant as I can. I wore leggings, a long lightweight hoodie, Anne Klein flats, and carried a clutch. It was an outfit that flew totally under the radar, as it was intended. Absolutely nobody paid a bit of attention to me, which was also intended.

Thing is, it felt odd. I've been out a million times, full girl and not. This should be very familiar ground. Yesterday it was just different. It was like walking mindlessly down a familiar street and going a block too far and not realizing where you are. That male face in the salon mirror looking back at me is quite disconcerting, given what I used to see in a salon mirror. But it's not just that. I had one of those "What the hell am I doing?" moments. I've had a few of those lately. I've had some relationship issues lately that probably magnify those feelings, but I don't think it's just that. I also realize that often these feelings are fleeting, and I may be just living for being full-on fem this weekend.

It does make me seriously consider, though, if the time is coming for me to put it all away for good. Maybe I've aged out. Maybe I've reached a point of saturation. Maybe whatever this strange force is that has driven me so headlong into living my life as nearly to that of a woman as a non-transitioner can conceive is finally all used up. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I hope it's not gone. For my whole life, "it" has been there. Thrills, escape, comfort... This has been such a source of so many wonderful moments in my life I sure don't want to give it up! No way I'll ever give it up entirely, but right now I'm seeing this winding down to where the extent of my cding might be a purse and nail polish. I hope not!

if thats dillards in binghamton ny let me know please for i have mixed fears about a hair and nail appointment in cortland ny in a few hours

[Rhonda Jean]

Probably too lat for this to reach you, Jennifer 1, but please don't let anything I say influence ANYBODY!. This my deal, and it'll likely pass. I've had my hair and nails done in male mode many, many times and most times it was an exquisite experience. Not feeling it right now, but believe me, I HAVE felt it, and I want like hell to feel it again!

[jennifer 1]

Probably too lat for this to reach you, Jennifer 1, but please don't let anything I say influence ANYBODY!. This my deal, and it'll likely pass. I've had my hair and nails done in male mode many, many times and most times it was an exquisite experience. Not feeling it right now, but believe me, I HAVE felt it, and I want like hell to feel it again!

never too late, thanks i did go to the salon, very friendly wore denim jeggings, old pair of penny loafers and no socks instead of the new low heels i have switched to, tee shrit, bra but too forms out, very light make up, pale lip color, and not withstanding my nervousness i had a great visit, good talk full set of nails, and now i have to leran to keyboard with nails,
absolutely great to get home again and put dinner in over , but after running a hair brush through mu new curls which i think look great
so i close with a thank you for being here, for knowing there are so many supportive folks on the planet
will probably go to movie tomorrow night in syracuse or binghampton, not too close to home, not sure about eating dinner at a restaurant, maybe ?

[Sara Jessica]

Rhonda, we have "known" one another for a while now and I promised you a thoughtful reply. I'll give it my best.

I re-read what you have written, trying to find parallels to my situation. I think I found one that is really important. You and I have both been there, in the club of the "real-hairs". We have our respective reasons but neither of us are there any longer and speaking for myself, I'm not very happy about it.

Yet, on another level, I don't think I have been this content in a very long time. I am at an equilibrium that some of us strive for and many of us fear. I am completely comfortable in my own skin, with my lot in life, and know that what is in my heart of hearts will always be there no matter how I am presenting.

Age? I'm not that old but in light of above, I currently detest the effort it takes to put on the female presentation. Part of it is my own doing, insisting on the facial tweeze before leaving the house but from there, the thought of a wig is something I just cannot get my head around (pun fully intended). I had lost mine, having not worn it in exactly 10 years from when I just got my hair cut off. Or so I thought. I just found it in an unexpected place, a garage cabinet zipped inside an Estee Lauder tote. In the meantime, a dear friend gave me two barely-if-at-all used wigs that didn't work for her but sadly, I have not taken them out of the box. Not for a lack of absolute gratitude or intent to do so, it's just that there is pretty much zero alone time at home to experiment with new looks. I'm not feeling the incentive to throw caution to the wind and just do it in the real world. Again, 10 years since I've worn a wig, it is utterly foreign.

I am immersed in a relatively new job, more fulfilling than anything I have ever done, and I'm working much harder than ever. That saps energy. I'm off this week and today or tomorrow would have been made for an outing but I cannot be bothered. There is about 5% chance that I'll do so tomorrow which means there is a 95% chance I'll report back later and say I didn't do it. Still, I'll make a trip down to SD to see another dear friend in guy mode and I'll be rather happy in doing so.

Age? I don't think so. Do not lose sight over what a woman's hair means to her and how it can affect us when we choose to lose it (for whatever reason). I took an intermediate step from long to a feminine short style which I absolutely adored. Yet it was still tricky to "guy" up and it no longer made sense to deal with that all the time in favor of less than 5% of feminine presentation.

So this is kind of a different angle. Am I even remotely close, Rhonda?

[Rhonda Jean]

Hey Sara,

Thanks for the reply. Lots of parallels there, including the job thing. Maybe even on the equilibrium thing, but I'm not so comfortable with it. I seem to seek the dissonance.

For the week between Christmas and New Year's I enjoyed dressing (to one extent or another) more than I have in a while. I was out of town, and strongly considered not even taking a female wardrobe. Had to kind of make myself indulge at first, but was glad I did. I know the obvious question is, "If you have to force yourself, why do it?" Well, because it's worth doing. Too big a part of me for too long and at too high of a cost to just let it all evaporate. The wig... still makes if feel too much like a costume, but nothing is going to change it's necessity. Even wore forms (another thing that had come to feel "inauthentic") and loved the effect so much that I'll probably be back on that for a while.

I'm getting comfortable with the idea that this path is not a straight line, and that it is not ever-advancing. It's OK to retreat. There are no rules! My previously hard-charging full steam ahead ride to, well, nowhere, really, had to come to an end. Kind of like when Wiley Coyote ran as hard as he could with that rubber band stretching further and further until it snatched him back. I know how that feels!

[Sara Jessica]

Rhonda, the line may not be straight but if we are honest with ourselves, we know very well what resides at the core of our being. What we do with that is the question.

Some here talk about music and how their tastes change with what they wear. If I hear another reference to "Man I Feel Like A Woman" I may just puke. But at the same time I acknowledge my own triggers which are far more sophisticated than said song (OK, I'm listening to some killer disco now, happens to be "More Than A Woman" by Tavares). My mind instantly was transported to one of my many Vegas trips and to bring it full circle, it was all about the hair. I thought about how I am/was defined by my hair.

I'm reading these words as they are being written and I am none too happy. It is the root of how I feel now, how I have felt for quite some time. If I dwell on it, it will quash the feeling of contentment that I have talked myself into (?) for the last several months. Sure, I'll convince myself I'm fine tomorrow but tell that to my tears now.