How many of us... anxiety disorders?

[Kaylee Ann]

Hello, everyone.
Besides being a woman with the wrong body, guess what -else- I live with?
Mild Agorophobia, Panic disorder, and Depression.
The agorophobia has greatly improved... I once spent a whole year in my apartment, on disability.
I now go out places all the time, eating, shopping... I can even sing publicly easier than anything else (because that's my one real talent).
Actual "out there" jobs are still out of the question... that's why we took my recording engineer knowledge and made a home studio... I can more readily have people here than I can be somewhere "out there", with people standing over me, critiquing me.
My job is safe... the singer is too nervous about -their- work to criticize mine, until the mixing process of the song, that is. But, no problem, that's what I'm good at.
I digressed, sorry.
Anyway...
individuals -without- gender discrepancies can have anxiety and depression, to be sure, but... is this a pretty common thing with a Transgendered person like me?
I wish I knew if these problems are biological, because medicine only made them worse.
The closer and closer I get to "Kaylee", thru hair, makeup and Unisex clothing, the less depressed and anxious I feel.
So, are my problems most likely only related to the gender problem?
I'm almost certain. Feeling like you have to be something you're not (a man, in my situation) destroys the soul.
One thing that isn't gender related, though... I don't drive.
Had a bad wreck in '95, and haven't driven since.
I wasn't injured at all... but, the car flipped 3 times, and landed in a ditch.
When my wife drives, every now and then she has to console me... if we get on a curve, even at slow speeds, sometimes it just hits me, and my eyes water. I also live in fear of a car striking us from the side.
Digression, again.
Anyway... how much of depression and anxiety do you all think is gender related in some people?

Love,
Kaylee Anna

[GypsyKaren]

Oh geez, could I write a book on this subject. I'm bi-polar with PTSD, so I know all to well about depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I've been on enough meds to put a horse down, just for me to get by. Is it gender realated? My p-doc and I are trying to figure this out now, since I came out and can be Karen I've been able to get off all of my meds, and I'm doing just fine for a year now.

Karen

[Kaylee Ann]

You know, now that you mention it... even though I haven't -had- a PTSD diagnosis, that almost explains the "wreck fear" every time I'm in any car.
By the way, a funny thought to share. I notice you're listed as a Neil Young groupie. Too cool!
You know, I'm an audio engineer? I am very sensitive to sounds and noises that are vague... vague things bother me, for some reason, it's a frightening feeling.
On "Sweet Home Alabama", by Lynrd Skynrd, the line, "Well, I heard Mister Young sing about her"... followed by that is a very, very faint clip of the line 'Southern Man" from neil's song of that title...
so, I have 2 issues with that. 1. Skynrd never should have used Neil Young's name in a bashing way OR an actual line of his recorded song to boost -their- popularity.
2. I cannot -stand- vague, faint sounds on audio recordings.
Same thing happened on "Don't Cry Daddy", an Elvis song... back in the days of analog tape, when things got recorded over too many times on the same tape, little nuances from past recordings could be heard under the surface.
I have no idea why that kinda thing bothers me so.
Anyway... while I like Skynrd, Neil Young was way more talented as an individual than the whole -group- of Skynrd, my opinion only.

Take care.

Kaylee

[sharifemme]

OK, here's where I stand - High cholesterol, diabetes, GRD, GID, Back trouble, Heart Attack, Obesity, plantars warts, tinitis, and Depression. Add to that that I am a DES son, and you can see that I am just waiting for the next bad thing to come along.

As far as the depression goes, I don't get depressed over who I am or what I am. Disparaging comments from strangers don't bother me either. The only thing I get depressed over since being on medication is when my SO criticizes me. This doesn't happen often but since she is my best (and maybe only) friend, when it does happen, it usually sets me off.

Sharifemme


Hello, everyone.
Besides being a woman with the wrong body, guess what -else- I live with?
Mild Agorophobia, Panic disorder, and Depression.
The agorophobia has greatly improved... I once spent a whole year in my apartment, on disability.
I now go out places all the time, eating, shopping... I can even sing publicly easier than anything else (because that's my one real talent).
Actual "out there" jobs are still out of the question... that's why we took my recording engineer knowledge and made a home studio... I can more readily have people here than I can be somewhere "out there", with people standing over me, critiquing me.
My job is safe... the singer is too nervous about -their- work to criticize mine, until the mixing process of the song, that is. But, no problem, that's what I'm good at.
I digressed, sorry.
Anyway...
individuals -without- gender discrepancies can have anxiety and depression, to be sure, but... is this a pretty common thing with a Transgendered person like me?
I wish I knew if these problems are biological, because medicine only made them worse.
The closer and closer I get to "Kaylee", thru hair, makeup and Unisex clothing, the less depressed and anxious I feel.
So, are my problems most likely only related to the gender problem?
I'm almost certain. Feeling like you have to be something you're not (a man, in my situation) destroys the soul.
One thing that isn't gender related, though... I don't drive.
Had a bad wreck in '95, and haven't driven since.
I wasn't injured at all... but, the car flipped 3 times, and landed in a ditch.
When my wife drives, every now and then she has to console me... if we get on a curve, even at slow speeds, sometimes it just hits me, and my eyes water. I also live in fear of a car striking us from the side.
Digression, again.
Anyway... how much of depression and anxiety do you all think is gender related in some people?

Love,
Kaylee Anna

[Kaylee Ann]

I'm so sorry for all that you deal with.
That pain over feeling disapproved of by the significant other is very normal.
I can talk to my mom back home, or old friends, and if we have a disagreement that causes little underhanded comments to flow, I really am not so bothered.
A wife (or husband) is that one ray of hope.
I can tell you this... before the real me came out, my wife and I argued lots more than now... and, we'd sling some really hurtful words at each other.
Once, she crossed the line and said something to the effect that I "couldn't sing"... I made some to her about failing in -her- career.
She hasn't failed, bviously, what with all the appreciative gifts she is given by co-workers and clients... and, I have had local plaques and awards for my singing.
We both apologized tearfully for what we had said...
when that happens, 99% of the time, the words aren't even said in truth. It's an effort to hurt, because on some level, you feel hurt yourself.
But, the act of that, in itself, is hurtful, to know someone that you love -would- pull those punches.
You know what I do? Try this, next time something hurtful is said to you.
Since Kaylee is now out in the open, I'll give my poutiest look, a look I know never fails, and I ask, "Do you really, -really- mean it?"
Softens the heart every time.

Take care, Shari.

Kaylee

[Julie York]

I had panic attacks for 25 years and all the horrors that go with it. It pretty much ruined every aspect of my life but it had nothing at all to do with CD stuff.

[Kimberley]

Oh geez, could I write a book on this subject. I'm bi-polar with PTSD, so I know all to well about depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I've been on enough meds to put a horse down, just for me to get by. Is it gender realated? My p-doc and I are trying to figure this out now, since I came out and can be Karen I've been able to get off all of my meds, and I'm doing just fine for a year now.

Karen
************
Karen,
You read my mind and said it all for me. I am still on the meds though and still working on figuring it all out although I wonder about the PTSD as root cause in my case. Regardless, she is the pro and I am just the patient. About six months ago they ruled out BPD as a working diagnosis. (I am glad to be off those meds for sure!) Now it is Chronic Major Depression with attached Anxiety. I ramble here. Too much junk to sort out.


Kimberley.

[lynda jane hamilton]

I have been dressing all my life on and off. This last two years I have suffered from panic attacks really bad shakes etc followed by bouts of dehabilitating depression. Cross dressing was not entirly the cause though although thinking back being in a continual state of frustration of not dressing did not help.

However I was prescribed some anti depressants, redressed the chemical balance in my brain and I have at long last come to terms with who and what I am. I feel much happier with the "female" part of me and I am about to reduce my dosage on Doctors advice. Now that Lynda is always going to be a part of me I feel sooo much better. after all I now don't see it as curse rather a gift which should be used to the best of my ability.

I am even now thinking of ways of telling my dear wife about Lynda bit by bit. Already after saying that I would like to go for a facial and manicure at her beauticians (they do special male packages) she has offered to buy salon vouchers for my birthday and has even suggested that I get my back waxed there as well (This is a big turn off for her). Slowly slowly I will introduce her to the idea so I can spend the rest of my life being Lynda as and when I want.

Yes I think Cding particularly in the closet like me, does lend itself to depression and also why for many actually dressing relieves the pressure and stress. Looking back over all of my life I have suffered on and off with panic attacks and stress but did not know what it was nor liked to admit it.

A good thread.


Love

Lyndaxx

[Kaylee Ann]

Ooohh, I am worried that I may have given a wrong impression.
I hope that no one is thinking that I meant depression/anxiety was -caused- from gender/crossdressing issues.
I definitely meant, as Lynda Jane related, how the -suppression- of it all could be such a big culprit behind negative feelings.
I just had to clear that up, and I hope no one took me wrong?

Love,
Kaylee

[livy_m_b]

Sometimes it's bad, and that's good, and sometimes it's very bad, and that's extremely bad. In my opinion, most bad things result from convincing yourself, consciously or otherwise, that you're trapped and there's nothing you can do. I do that regularly. But before I get too much advice - I know that it's not true. To be more specific: I can qualify for a spectrum of personality disorders, am on a high dose of antidepressants, am moody, emotional, ready to cry at almost anything sad or happy for that matter...heart attacks, overweight, high blood pressure, neck pain - name it, I probably have it or have had it. It will break over soon - by that I mean I'll get an up period within a few days - thank goodness!

[sharifemme]

Kaylee Anna...

Thank you for your concern and support. I didn't mean to make my life sound so much bleaker than it really is. Actually, my life is so much better now than it was before I told my wife three years ago. At least I have come to terms with myself and have a lot less guilt and depression than I used to. Most of the time, my wife and I get along pretty good. She really is a lovely woman. I don't have to lie about who I am - I just have to keep quiet about most of it to avoid confrontation.

I will try your advice about the pouty face routine (I call it puppy dog eyes). I've never used it with that phrase before. I usually have felt too hurt to say much of anything positive in the past.

Sharifemme


I'm so sorry for all that you deal with.
That pain over feeling disapproved of by the significant other is very normal.
I can talk to my mom back home, or old friends, and if we have a disagreement that causes little underhanded comments to flow, I really am not so bothered.
A wife (or husband) is that one ray of hope.
I can tell you this... before the real me came out, my wife and I argued lots more than now... and, we'd sling some really hurtful words at each other.
Once, she crossed the line and said something to the effect that I "couldn't sing"... I made some to her about failing in -her- career.
She hasn't failed, bviously, what with all the appreciative gifts she is given by co-workers and clients... and, I have had local plaques and awards for my singing.
We both apologized tearfully for what we had said...
when that happens, 99% of the time, the words aren't even said in truth. It's an effort to hurt, because on some level, you feel hurt yourself.
But, the act of that, in itself, is hurtful, to know someone that you love -would- pull those punches.
You know what I do? Try this, next time something hurtful is said to you.
Since Kaylee is now out in the open, I'll give my poutiest look, a look I know never fails, and I ask, "Do you really, -really- mean it?"
Softens the heart every time.

Take care, Shari.

Kaylee

[AnnaMaria]

I can also relate to what you are suggesting in terms of depression. And I do agree with you that I don't think being a tg has any effect on depression directly. I have been taking an anti=depressant for about 2.5 months now and I have noticed a hugh difference in the way that I deal with everyday life as well as those around me. And I have been wondering myself if that could have been being caused by the fact that I have spent the majority of my life repressing the feelings that I know have always been with me. My counsler thinks that it could be a part of my problem but he thinks that there are also other underlying causes as well.

I am not sure how I feel about that but I do know that since I have been taking my meds I now feel more able to deal with things that would have caused me to become quite upset before. I still don't feel comfortable in large crowds unless I know that my wife is beside me, but I have noticed that it is easier for me to deal with them than it was before.

I think that you have brought up an interesting point that I am going to have to discuss with my wife and maybe my counsler the next time I see him.

huggs
anna