Dysphoria continues.

[ashleymasters]

I have been on E for 4 months. And t blockers for 1. Most days i feel great, but I am starting to feel dysphoric in new ways. I still present as male a lot just bc I have not gotten my own place and I have a few cosmetic goals (hair growth, voice therapy, etc) before making the full time move. I am finding that I don’t enjoy crossdressing much anymore. As In wearing a wig, shape wear and Tons of makeup. It just feels costumey and just as fake as my male persona. I’ve stopped caring about my male persona appearance. I still practice hygiene but i just blindly pull out a T-shirt and jeans and throw them on. I don’t trouble myself to shave much. It feels as though the meds are aligning my true self mentally and emotionally and disconnecting me even more from my body. Up til now I’ve always looked at my body like a truck. A nice enough truck that I drove everyday and even though I want a sports car I took pride in the truck. I was aware that eventually I’d trade the truck in and get a vehicle that suits me better, but the truck was fun In it’s own right. Now I just hate the truck. And I feel loke the sports car is as far away as ever. I don’t get hung up on “passing” or being a beauty queen. I am so impatient with small things tho. Like my hair growth. How long it’s takinf to train my voice. How long my finances are taking to come in to order so I can start making changes. I’m not in danger of any self harm, but life is really the pits right now. I stopped pretending to be this macho guy and I very naturally act pretty gender nuetral with fem tendencies and I can already see in social reactions that I’m less attractive to people. Not just physically. I think my dreariness shows and is a turn off to would be friends. I try to be upbeat but anymore i just can’t stomach pretending to be cheerful anymore than I can pretend to be a man.

[Maid_Marion]

You may be experiencing the social dysphoria that is similar to those on the autism spectrum. Think of or look up Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory. In theory he ought to be very isolated socially with the way he treats other people, but this would make for a very boring show. So he still has friends. I'd suggest counseling or at least talking to someone to help you get through this rough patch. Good luck.

[Richelle]

Ashley

I strongly suggest see a gender therapist to help you over this rough patch you are experiencing. Also set some goals for your self to transition to your true self. Make them small and attainable and you feelings will improve and the people around you will notice.

Best of luck
Richelle

[KellyJameson]

Depression is a danger with changes in hormones.

I kept and keep a very strict regime of exercise and diet that I "IMPOSE" on myself.

You are attempting to rewrite evolution.

Your will power must be greater than evolution or you will not survive and thrive.

Your post sounds very much like the lethargy of depression which is common on HRT.

I'm a long distance runner and it has been very helpful physically and spiritually.

Consider your age and health and than ACT

[KymberlyOct]

I agree with Kelly regarding the depression and HRT. I have been going through some significant depression recently. My orchiectomy was about 18 months ago and that is when I started E.

It definitely is a which is first the chicken or the egg question - My life circumstances are difficult now ( I am skipping the long version - I have had an up and down roller coaster life much of which has been great ) but things are tough now and I am depressed.

Which is it the circumstances or the E that are causing the depression. My gut tells me some of both. I have been in tough spots before but this feels different. So I think the E and lack of T may be exacerbating it.

So that is why it is important to take care of yourself and at least get moderate exercise - for me that is 20 minutes walking and 10 minutes yoga. Not much but a lot better than nothing. So TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - especially on HRT or if you are depressed or both.

[Katya@]

Sounds like a good idea to see a therapist. I didn't have one but my feelings were very different after I started on hormones. Happiness and satisfaction. I feel right about them and still do. I started growing hair 2 years prior to that but I don't think it was so important. I did started on electrolysis because I couldn't see my face not shaved and even to see a shadow right around the same time I started on hormones. Kind of opposite of your take but we are all different. Just make sure you get help to sort your feelings and I am in the club with others who recommend to exercise and do hobbies to take the mind off.

[Devi SM]

Ashley, I agree with the rest on the therapy but if you're in HRT means that you're in therapy. If you don't how you get to HRT?

I had similar issues too. My need for dressing reduced a lot it in a different way. I used to need it everyday and spend so much time in make up, pics and posting. It was excitying and exhausting at the same time. I didnt experience depression before but now I'm so sensitive that minimum things take me to sadness. Now, as I don't waste all that time in feminize myself can focus more in my job and plans to fulfill my transition. I set medium and long term goals . For the mean time I added more activities, as excursions, hiking, knowing new places and planning it as well that I slowly advance with wife and the enviroment on my transition that has worked giving me more patience.
I had a fear crisis around the third week when the transition begins evident with the change in my breast but being in therapy has been fundamental as well have other people who share my experiences with.

[ashleymasters]

Thank you everyone. Yes i have been keeping up weekly appointments with my therapist. He’s terrific. I agree that goal keeping and activity are the key. I do stay active. I eat and work and keep myself and home clean. It just seems centered around appearance that I don’t know what to do. I hate looking in the mirror and tending to a male appearance and for the time being I’m not happy with how I feel costumed when presenting as female. As far as goals. I am beginning some tattoo removal this month and continuing with facial hair removal. I feel that the biggest piece is to continue saving money so that I can move into my own place in the next few months. My therapist also agrees that my own home will grant me new freedoms that I need. It’s tough but I expected it to be tough so I’m not worried. I still envision a time when things will be better. They won’t be perfect, but they will be better.

[Helena]

Ashley, please forgive me if this seems a really dumb question, but are there reasons you why you can't switch out your male clothes for gender neutral or even female but without all the accoutrements that make it feel costume like such as wig, shape wear and heavy make up?

To borrow your analogy you may not yet be able to have the sports car but you could trade the truck for a sports sedan (not sure if that is a thing, think BMW 3 or 5 series)

[ashleymasters]

As it is now I live with my wife in her fathers home. I go to school and work a part time job two hours away. So Sunday through Thursday i stay in a camper for school and my classes. On the weekends I come home. While at school or work I have a set uniform. When I’m at home there is no wiggle room. If I upset my wife’s family I’d be forced to move out. I can do that but i can’t live somewhere near my kids on my days off and still go to school and work. I have til summer when I finish school.