marciegirl777
03-21-2006, 01:04 PM
I've taken the gender ID test and the results say that I am androgynous. Okay, probably pretty close the truth, but that just makes deciding what I am even more perplexing. Given my choice I would want SRS tomorrow - even before any degree of transitioning. I feel compelled to look "correct" down there. Everytime I see a picture of woman in panties or a swimsuit, the first thing that pops into my mind is "That's what I am supposed to look like down there". I actually obsess about it daily probably since I was about six. I can't even think of dressing unless "that thing" is tucked out of sight first.
That said, my sexual orientation is almost completely towards women. You might say that I am a lesbian trapped in a male body, but that would be putting it too simply. The male hormones compete heavily with my feminine side and often the burning desire to fulfill the male drive is overwhelming and powerful. yet I when I masturbate, I HAVE to do it girl style - tucked back while still flacid so I can gently rub my "Vulva" while I'm in panties or a swimsuit. Over the years, I've mastered this performance of mind and body which literally makes me feel as if I've achieved the closest thing to a girlhood nirvana that I can ever know.
So, the confusion of androgeny pulls me daily across the ying and yang. I want so badly to have a female body so I can wear all those cute swimsuits, dresses and heels that beckon me daily. However, the male sex drive tells me to keep things intact so it can fulfill its sexual destiny - afterall, it is what it is. The result is that I keep telling myself that "thing" is a curse, a deformity that keeps me from feeling "correct" and away from my self image as a woman. Somedays, I think that if I really started on hormones, the male "urges" would just go away and I can finally say adieu to my incorrect genitals and be at peace with myself. Other days, the male side says you are what you are, accept your lot in life and go lust after women.
Meanwhile, my wife tolerates my dressing in the closet, but any transitioning would be grounds for divorce so it is not a realistic option - at least while my son is growing up. I just wish I knew what I really am and should be, the daily battle for my sexual identity is annoying at best, and crippling at worst. The vacillation back and forth is at times torturous. I think there are other girls here on the forum that fall pretty much into the same "limbo" space that I am in. I welcome your advice and stories.
Love,
Marcie
That said, my sexual orientation is almost completely towards women. You might say that I am a lesbian trapped in a male body, but that would be putting it too simply. The male hormones compete heavily with my feminine side and often the burning desire to fulfill the male drive is overwhelming and powerful. yet I when I masturbate, I HAVE to do it girl style - tucked back while still flacid so I can gently rub my "Vulva" while I'm in panties or a swimsuit. Over the years, I've mastered this performance of mind and body which literally makes me feel as if I've achieved the closest thing to a girlhood nirvana that I can ever know.
So, the confusion of androgeny pulls me daily across the ying and yang. I want so badly to have a female body so I can wear all those cute swimsuits, dresses and heels that beckon me daily. However, the male sex drive tells me to keep things intact so it can fulfill its sexual destiny - afterall, it is what it is. The result is that I keep telling myself that "thing" is a curse, a deformity that keeps me from feeling "correct" and away from my self image as a woman. Somedays, I think that if I really started on hormones, the male "urges" would just go away and I can finally say adieu to my incorrect genitals and be at peace with myself. Other days, the male side says you are what you are, accept your lot in life and go lust after women.
Meanwhile, my wife tolerates my dressing in the closet, but any transitioning would be grounds for divorce so it is not a realistic option - at least while my son is growing up. I just wish I knew what I really am and should be, the daily battle for my sexual identity is annoying at best, and crippling at worst. The vacillation back and forth is at times torturous. I think there are other girls here on the forum that fall pretty much into the same "limbo" space that I am in. I welcome your advice and stories.
Love,
Marcie