Cold Shower

[Sara Olivia]

Today marks the low point of the past year and a half in my life. For the past 18 months since starting to live as Sara full time, I have been treated with respect and kindness by everyone I've met. In that time I have virtually never been misgendered and the few times it happened it was family and friends who knew me long before my transition and they always caught themselves right away, corrected themselves and apologized. That was until last night. We were invited to the home of our best friends to celebrate New Year's with them and some of their neighbours whom they had invited. These neighbours were strangers to us. Both my best friend and his wife have been friends for over 30 years and were in our wedding party. Someone whom I thought had accepted me as Sara though whom we haven't seen that much in the past few years because we are all very busy with work, raising children, and such.

Back to last night. Without fail, and without ever apologizing or correcting himself, my friend referred to me as "HE" all evening long to his neighbours. At least a dozen times that I was aware of. Not wanting to make a scene I pretended not to hear and kept ignoring it. The male neighbors quickly joined in in referring to me as a "HE". We were sitting around the friends kitchen island on bar stools except for two of us who were standing due to a shortage of bar stools. One of the neighbors wives said to her husband "Can you please get a chair for Sara so that she can sit down as well." His response " I already offered HIM a chair but HE said he was ok standing. This went on all night. I have never been as humiliated and upset in my entire life. The person whom I considered one of my best friends totally gutted me. My wife is upset because she is very close with my friends wife and really enjoys socializing with her. Now all seems at risk of collapse. Not sure that I want anything more to do with my friend. My suspicion is that the invitation for New Year's came more from his wife and not from him. I think he was embarrassed to have me around his neighbors and subsequently let me know his displeasure by misgendering me at every opportunity, knowing that this really upsets me.

Anyways I am writing this more to vent than for any other reason. I suppose that most likely the year is bound to improve from this dismal start. At least that is what I tell myself.

[pamela7]

Oh, that's horrible, I really feel it, having lost my own best friend (best man also) through the process. My brother visited this week, and he kept on getting it wrong until i gave him a sharp public rebuke, at which point he seemed to get it and change.

If you ever get this situation again, I suggest strongly correcting the first misgendering in the room, and people quickly fall into line.

[Laura912]

The ones doing the misgendering were all lemmings following the first one over the cliff. Of course the real lemmings do not do that, just the idiot human ones. A swift kick to the verbal gonads of the first person would have kept the train on the track. Hopefully the remaining 364 days in the year will be better.

[Eemz]

Oh that sucks. What an a-hole. I'm so sorry you had this experience Sara. It was one day out of 18 months (550 or so days) but coming from someone you didn't expect makes it hurt even more. It also sounds like he knows you're vulnerable in this area and used it against you. Possibly also that you're not a confrontational person and unlikely to tackle him in public. A real piece of work, all in all.

I see only two options now - either write him off and walk away, or confront the issue head-on if you think the relationship is worth fighting for. Pretending it never happened is not an option, imho, and will only encourage him to go further next time.

Confronting it head-on doesn't have to mean "what the .... is your problem?" and in fact that's probably not very useful now. You could go with "clearly there's something here that we need to talk about, can we please get it all out in the open and work it out?". If he can't or won't talk then there's nothing you can do.

I agree with Laura's lemmings comment btw.

[Dorit]

My heart goes out to you! I too can identify having had a thirty year friend refuse to use my new name. I think you have a healthy attitude, 2019 can only get better. Happy New Year Sara!

[Jeri Ann]

Oh Sara,

These things are so painful. I had a friend of thirty five years who was the first person I came out to. He and his wife were very supportive. They even helped me move when I had to relocate. Then, nothing, I have called ten times with no answer. I have texted many times, no response. It hurts, it really does.

I am down to only one friend from my past.

[Mirya]

Sorry to hear about this. It feels like a betrayal, doesn’t it? And from someone you thought was a best friend...

I’ve found myself much happier forming new friendships with women who’ve never known me as anything but female, rather than trying to preserve old friendships with men. Even if they do manage to see me as a woman, it’s now a male/female friendship, and those are always way more complicated than same sex friendships. Transitioning is frequently a total upheaval of one’s life, both physical and social. It’s very hard.

[grace7777]

So sorry to hear what happened to you. Being that this person was a best friend must make this situation even worse. Probably not much you can do except move on from this person.

[Adelaide]

I really feel for you. It must have been a very difficult moment for you. I agree with Eemz about the 2 options. However, I'm also interested in the following: How did you wife react to it all?

[Kelli_cd]

I'm really sorry you had to experience that, Sara. The guy must be a real tool. I agree with what others have said here, no need to repeat any of it, except, again, I'm sorry.

[Anne K]

So sorry about the bump in the road. I like Eemz idea. It may be a way to purge your hurt and resentment.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Im sorry this happened to you.

I don't know how i would have handled it..

In the end, its unlikely it will be worth your time to confront this. It's not impossible that things could change, but it would take alot more than a conversation to see that change.

He doesnt want you around. I hope this doesnt hurt your wife too much, because im sure she suffered from this as well. I wouldnt be surprised if this guy is hearing it from his wife, but that does nothing for you..

It is a cold shower and i sorry you have to suffer it.

[Melanie Moxon]

Wow, that's awful. I hate to say it but it's time to cut lose and make it plain and clear why you are doing it. It's hard to cut off from people you have known for years and consider friends (I know I have done it, though for different reasons) but sometimes needs must.

[DMichele]

Sara,
Your friend's behavior was awful. Is there any chance that he was being macho so that the other males didn't see his softer side? If he is a true friend, he will apologize for his behavior.

[Lana Mae]

Sorry this happened to you! Best wishes on moving on! Hugs Lana Mae

[Devi SM]

Sara, I think you should had tried any opportunity, after the first "mistake", to talk with your "friend" that for me is no one.
Obviously you didnt do it.
I wouldn't wait now for any kind of apologize. If he does, simply don't accept it. It'd be just a hypocrite and coward attitude.
Your wife can keep being friends with the his wife but I would avoid any kind of future relationship with him.
Lately, we live in a changing world but just the brave people pushed those changes. You're out with that guy, he knew, so no excuse, you should had face him so everybody would have something to say, I think that would had been a short night.

[Jenny22]

Sara, I just went to some of your earlier posts and wondered if the lack of contact with him over the past few years re: your transitioning may have fed fuel to his fire, so to speak, as you showed up as a woman. Did he NOT know? If the wives were close friends, did his wife ever give your wife an hint as to his feelings about you?

I absolutely agree with the others. He was a royal SOB for what he did to you. Even if he thought he was just being a joking smart ass, he was wrong. If YOU might wish to try to salvage your friendship, Send him an email and pointedly ask him why he did what he did. If he persists in his attitude, dump him from your life. If he indicates he's sorry, ask to meet with him privately to discuss, maybe even giving him select copies of your forum posts to try to bring him to better understanding YOUR need and reasons to transition. Some friendships are worth trying to save. Others, not so.

Good luck on whatever you decide. It is your life, after all.

[docrobbysherry]

Sara, life is TOO SHORT to have to accept BS! U need to tell people how u feel! :Angry3:

If he embarrassed u, u should have said so.:doh:
"Teddy, you're embarrassing me. Please refer to me as "she"."

If that embarrassed him, u would have been even at least!:thumbsup:

[Sara Olivia]

Thank you all for your words of support and your suggestions. I really appreciate it. I'm still upset over it and though my so called friend now knows that I was very upset I still have not had any kind of response so I'm guessing the friendship is over - which, at this point, is fine by me.
As to some of your comments. Pam you are right I should have nipped it in the butt right away but at first I thought it was due to carelessness on my friends part. Then as the evening went on I just didn't want to ruin the evening for the others. If it had been any evening other than New Years I would have left after the first or second mistake. As it was, I stupidly kept my mouth shut and just let them insult me time and again all night.
Jeri Ann I'm kind of on the same track as you in that now two of my best friends seem to be rejecting me. The first rejection was from one of my best friends who is a psychiatrist. He was someone I confided in before even confiding in my parents and other close family members. I assumed, him being a psychiatrist - if anybody was going to accept me it would be him. How wrong I was. He has not spoken to me since I started living as Sara full time.
Mirya, I so agree with you about forming new friendships with new people - my problem is that I am still happily married and happily raising two wonderful kids and in the same great job where I was prior to transition. My colleagues, family and others have been wonderful. So moving away and starting a new life is not the right direction for my life. That meant that I still see many of the people who knew me prior to transition on a daily basis. Most are great a small minority pretend I don't exist and until now none have been actually hostile towards me.
Adelaide, the response from my wife was complicated. On the one hand I think she understood how they made me feel. On the other hand she is really worried about losing her best friend - my friends wife is my wife's best friend. So she is attributing it more to thoughtlessness on my friends part and thinks I am making much more out of it than I should given that they are "supposedly" our best friends. So she and I have actually had arguments over this because I felt she was supporting my friend more than she was supporting my position of being very humiliated that night.
Michele, the same thought went through my mind as one of his neighbors is a real red neck and perhaps my friend felt awkward. Though he should not have thrown me under the bus to protect his machismo. Thats a rather cowardly thing to do in my mind. And he has not apologized so that is not helping him.

Vanessa, ultimately I think the outcome will be as you suggest. My wife and his wife will continue their friendship and meet up from time to time and he and I will go our seperate ways from here forward.

Jenny, I have lived fulltime as Sara for almost a year and a half. In that time our friends have often visited us and met Sara. We've also been to their house since numerous times. They most recently were at our home for Boxing Day where we spent the entire afternoon and evening together - all the while me dressed as Sara. The only difference at New Years was including other people, not family, in the mix. To this point we have never been in public together though we did run into each other at the local pub a few times in the past year where again I was fully dressed as Sara. They did not seem uncomfortable at the time talking to us at the pub. But I could be wrong.

Finally, Sherry you are so right. In the future I will be blunt and tell people when I feel they are purposely making me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. Life really is too short especially when you've waited until your 50's to actually start living your real life.

[Mirya]

Jenny, I have lived fulltime as Sara for almost a year and a half. In that time our friends have often visited us and met Sara. We've also been to their house since numerous times. They most recently were at our home for Boxing Day where we spent the entire afternoon and evening together - all the while me dressed as Sara. The only difference at New Years was including other people, not family, in the mix. To this point we have never been in public together though we did run into each other at the local pub a few times in the past year where again I was fully dressed as Sara. They did not seem uncomfortable at the time talking to us at the pub. But I could be wrong.

What you wrote in this quoted text is the key. Your friend has shown in the past that he accepts you, but only in private. We now know, from the New Year's Eve party, that he does not publicly support you, for fear of being judged by his own circle of friends and neighbors. What this really means is that all this time, he never truly accepted you. He merely tolerated you.

There is a lot of social stigma against not only transgender women, but the cis people who accept and support us. This is especially true for cis men, who frequently believe that their masculinity is at stake when they openly show support for a trans woman.

[Sara Olivia]

Mirya, I do believe that you are right. I've had the same thought but do struggle to accept the level of cowardice and meanness it would take to invite someone to your home and then throw them under the bus like that. I would like to think that I know my friend better than that but apparently I do not.

[pamela7]

Jenny, I have lived fulltime as Sara for almost a year and a half. In that time our friends have often visited us and met Sara. We've also been to their house since numerous times. They most recently were at our home for Boxing Day where we spent the entire afternoon and evening together - all the while me dressed as Sara. The only difference at New Years was including other people, not family, in the mix. To this point we have never been in public together though we did run into each other at the local pub a few times in the past year where again I was fully dressed as Sara. They did not seem uncomfortable at the time talking to us at the pub. But I could be wrong.


This reminded me of a scene in "Grease" (the movie) where Sandy meets Danny at school, and he denies knowing her in public. This is his ego at play, and in the film he later overcomes this and all ends well. It got me wondering therefore, if perhaps, if you magnanimously went to see him, discussed it privately, whether in reality he feels really bad about how he treated you but he does not even know where to begin on apologising? In other words, it is worth giving him the chance at redemption?

[AllieSF]

Hello Sarah Olivia, I really do feel for you and your New Year's eve fiasco with your friend. I agree with Pamela that meeting with him face to face is the way to go. I think that if you wait until the pain subsides and you can talk to him objectively and, for lack of a better word, maturely (controlling your feelings) you will have a much better chance of getting him to explain his feelings to you, and for you to explain to him how his behavior so deeply hurt you from a loved friend. If after that he feels that he needs more time to adapt and come to terms with who you now are, let him have that time and tell him that you will still be there for him when he wants to go out for coffee, a beer or a glass of wine. Good luck and keep working toward re-establishing that good friendship and relationship that you had with him before. I think that with you taking the high road he will respect you more and hopefully realize the error of his hurtful actions toward you.

PS: I am going through a somewhat similar situation with my daughter. I have been waiting for her to talk to me about her feelings about me to no avail. After an argument with her last March related to who I am. I told her at that time I did not want to see her until she was ready to talk with me about everything. It was a very painful 8 months for me because we were very close and saw each other all the time. She was finally convinced to invite me to our family Thanksgiving dinner recently. I went, we hugged had some small talk and enjoyed the evening as best we could. Then came Christmas eve and day when again we all get together at her house for food, drinks, talk and opening gifts. She was much more relaxed and almost normal with me. I have been thinking hard about this and have come to an interesting conclusion. I will continue to try to see her to get back into our old wonderful routines and will not insist on having that "talk" anymore. Hopefully, that approach from me will help her relax and help her feel like getting back to us being us together as it was before. The only difference being my presentation outwardly to her.

I agree with others that one can be close to someone when it is one on one, but the outward presentation is an issue for them when they are with us with their other friends and family who may or may not know us from before. So, I will need a lot of patience with my daughter going forward, and maybe more patience with your friend will help both of you over the long run.

[donnalee]

There's no doubt you were ambushed; the question is why?
Waiting for an apology will not work. You need to confront him face to face without others being present. Tell him how hurt you were by his behavior and ask him why he did it. Let him know that it was totally unaccep0table and that you will not put up with it, otherwise there is no way you can continue what up to then had been, in your eyes, a highly valued relationship.

[Tommie.]

I'm sorry this happened... similar things have happened to me at work. I take a little different stance on this... in talking to your wife would opposing or speaking out to people embarrass your wife? It seems wso in the discussion above. If yes, then the embarrassment becomes a wedge and I suggest might begin an issue that may not be worth the marriage loss. Correcting in private has more value than in public sometimes if it's worth the confrontation, which I agree with Mirya it most likely is not. Before the estradiol set in some time back and cooled my temper, my former self would have confronted..... no longer... as stated by others life is too short and maybe just look for those who will enjoy you as you are now. NTL I repsect all responses as each must be willing to accept and live their actions. May your way be made easy.... hugs

[MsMargaret]

Jeri Ann I'm kind of on the same track as you in that now two of my best friends seem to be rejecting me. The first rejection was from one of my best friends who is a psychiatrist. He was someone I confided in before even confiding in my parents and other close family members. I assumed, him being a psychiatrist - if anybody was going to accept me it would be him. How wrong I was. He has not spoken to me since I started living as Sara full time.


Sara Olivia,

I feel for ya. I've found that some long term friends you get comfortable with, because they're predictable and reliable. When you break that dynamic, it's really up to the person in question how they will respond. In my old high school group, everyone had their role, the leader, the planner, the aloof guy, the jock, and the weird one, and so on. I, of course, was the weird one, because I've always been more of a scatterbrain than one who organizes their thoughts. It's funny that in my current work environment, I've sort of integrated into the same archetypes, to a degree, but I digress.

If you have decided you're breaking from your traditional "role", people can either embrace or reject you. If they embrace, that's great, but usually it's the rejection that causes the bigger response - people will often shame you in a weak attempt to force you back into the molded and "acceptable" form you once were, and I think that's what's going on with your close friends. Its terrible, and its really hurtful to you. I think the best approach here is to start distancing yourself from your friend. Let your wife continue her relationship with the spouse, and don't force yourself into the situation. If they truly want you in their lives, they will find a way to overcome this hatred of you becoming you. It'll hopefully start with an invitation and an apology.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I hope it works out in your favor

[GaleWarning]

A comment and a question from me.


C: We all have the freedom to choose.
Q: Who owns the problem?

Your friends and fellow guests made choices, each individually, to refer to you as HE rather than SHE. That is their right. You made a choice NOT to correct them at the outset. Perhaps you ought to have. Perhaps you had other choices, which you put aside; for example, to leave the party …


So who now owns the problem? Probably not them. They have probably forgotten all about this matter. So you have to make a choice right now, which will define how you interact with them in the future.


You could just laugh it off and resolve to react differently next time you are in a similar situation.

Or you could just laugh it off and resolve not to interact with any of them again.

Or you could challenge them, either individually or collectively and tell them how their behaviour offended you. This will force them into making choices; whether or not to apologize; whether or not to be more accepting of you in future.

Or there may be other options for you to consider.

I can't tell you, or even suggest to you, how to react. The choice is yours. Just remember this; their behaviour at the party is a reflection of them as human beings. They have to live with themselves for the rest of their lives. They have a big problem. That is not your problem.

Take care!

[Stephanie Julianna]

I'm sorry to have to say this but your male neighbor/friend is a jerk! AND he is truly not a friend. It's obvious that he is trapped in his small world and you just have to let that relationship go. You have to remember all the wonderful family, friends and co-workers who have given you their love and acceptance. He is part of the growing minority of the future. You are a beautiful person because you have been your honest self for all to see. We all love you as well.

[Sara Olivia]

I thought I would post an update. So its mid February now and I have yet to hear from my (now former) friends since that evening. I wrote them a fairly lengthy email explaining how the misgendering made me feel. I explained that I was not offended by old friends accidentally misgendering me and that I did not want people feeling like they were walking on egg shells around me. I did, however, draw the line with their neighbor whom I strongly felt was purposely trying to offend me. Six weeks of silence speak louder than words. I am now no longer interested in salvaging this friendship of thirty years. Its sad that in 2019 there is still so much stigma attached to people's gender identity when they fall outside of societal norms.


Allie, I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in a similar situation with your daughter. I am happy to read though that she appears to be becoming more accepting of you. I have every confidence that she will come around and one day your relationship with her will be as good or better than it ever was.

Donnalee, you are right, waiting for an apology has not worked. One has not been forthcoming. That said, my own sense of dignity and pride will not permit me to confront him in order to try and get our friendship back on track. As far as I'm concerned he has lost a good friend.

Tommie, my wife was not sure how to respond that evening, for that matter neither did I. Neither of us wanted to create a scene or a confrontation. That said, in future we will both be more assertive and take the person aside to make sure that they understand that I'm not ok being referred to with male pronouns or by my old name.

Margaret - wise words. I've pretty much told my wife that she and my friends spouse should continue their friendship while the friendship between myself and my former friend appears over. The overriding truth is that now that I am living fulltime as Sara I am finding myself developing new friendships with women while my male friendships seem to be withering somewhat. Women at work and women I'm in contact with in my life seem to be accepting me as one of them and are becoming real friends who invite me to join them for coffee and other social events. I think its just a natural shift from when I had predominantly male friends to now where I am starting to develop friendships more with other women.

GaleWarning I love that avatar name by the way though it foreshadows that your comments might indicate rough seas ahead. You are right, choices were made and I do believe theirs was a reflection of them as human beings. I am reminded of high school where at the time I noticed that the troublemakers in my school were mostly kids who seemed the most insecure in who they were. When a new kid came to school these classmates would be right there picking fights with the new kid. Perhaps similarly the people most threatened by our gender identity are those who are insecure in their own. Just a theory.

Stephanie, thank you, what a kind and great way to sum it up. Hopefully some day he will come to realize that the world is changing and his views are no longer the norm. And when all is said and done you are right, I am very lucky because even without him I do have a wonderful family, wonderful friends and colleagues who have made very clear their acceptance of the new me. Let me not forget the many great women I've met here on this very site. Women who have supported me over the years with encouraging comments and helpful advice, women who helped me with decisions in my life by being brave enough to put their lives and concerns online for all to see and to learn from. Also, just a week ago, I heard from an old classmate and friend whom I hadn't spoken with in thirty years. She had heard from a mutual friend of my transition and took it upon herself to phone me and had nothing but kind words for me and my decision to transition. So while I am losing some friends I am also gaining new friends and unexpectedly re-connecting with other old friends.