Should I be ashamed I crossdress?

[Katie Russell]

Hi

I was chatting to another t girl on messenger about wanting to go out as Katie. It's been something I've been planning for a while but I've always said that I won't go out without my wife permission. My communication with my wife about crossdressing is very limited and I find just approaching the subject very difficult and there always seems to be a barrier in the way.

My friend was trying to work out why there is a problem. I know that my wife is a very tolerant person, full of love and empathy. I think her concerns would probably be for my wellbeing and nothing personal so why do I find it so difficult to talk? Then she asked if I was ashamed of being a crossdresser.

My immediate answer was no. I've met people and chatted online and have really come to terms with the fact that I am a crossdresser. I'm not ashamed to admit to them that I'm a crossdresser. But thinking about it more deeply maybe I am ashamed to admit it to the one person who means so much to me. If I talk to her about it am I admitting a weakness? Am I flawed in someway and unworthy of her love and attention? Do I measure up to other guys who don't crossdress? These thought are probably rushing through my subconscious which is why that initial conversation is so difficult. I'm the one putting up the barriers because I don't want to be seen less of a man in her eyes.

I guess I've got along history of being ashamed of crossdressing. When I was a kid first facing the realisation that I was a transvestite (long before the term crossdresser) I was told that boys shouldn't dress as girls. So I hid this shame in secrecy. I guess that 35 years of feeling this shame means that it was inbuilt. Not telling my wife that I crossdress and keeping it hidden was to do with this shame, as I'm sure it is with most crossdressers.

The last 5 years of coming to understand my crossdressing has really helped and making connections with other crossdressers has been part of this process.

So how do I get over these fears about telling my wife? Do I talk to her about these feelings of shame? Empathy is a great cure for shame. I'm I being stupid?

Katie x

[kimdl93]

You summed up your deeply underlying feeling in this post. Express them to her in the same words.

[deebra]

Tell her you would like to talk to her about a subject you feel very uncomfortable talking about so please be understanding. Tell her this is born in some males, it doesn't go away, is not cured and you did not choose this need to CD. It hurts no one, I would hope she works with you on this. Why does clothing have to be so black and white, if you like something wear it. However boobs and bras are a whole seperate chapter.

[Teri Ray]

Hiya Katie,

Threads like these sure make me think. That is the feelings you stated are so common to mine. Takes a long time and a lot of contemplation to come to grips that we have this desire and it is pretty strong and undeniable. Sharing these feelings openly with our love ones is at best difficult. That is my introduction of empathy for your feelings as I have been there. That being said my response to your question is presented as what seems to work for me. So it is my experience and is not intended as advice. My expereince so far has been that in every case where I was hesitent to discuss my feelings openly with my wife (after we had the big intital talk) I have found that open discussion was always the best (not the easiest). Once my wife and I got past the initial shock of my being a crossdresser open, honest discussion has been the best path. For me I find that if my wife loved (ie thinks I am a good person) me before she knew of my crossdressing desires then she would naturally come to see that I am still a good person after she finds out about my dressing. Not all relationships are the same but for my wife and I we find being honest and finding boundaries for acceptance works.

My wife seems to understand that having an outlet for my dressing is important. She has allowed me to venture out of town to be out as Teri. Her biggest concern is that I do not venture out in our home town.

Summary: You sound like a good person. I am not sure how much of your dressing you have discussed with your wife. For me being open and honest with my wife has been the best path. Finding your solution is personal to your situation. Best wishes.

[Katie Russell]

Thanks for your reply Teri. I guess that hardest part for me is starting that conversation. My wife does know that I crossdress and it has really been a DADT relationship since she found out over 5 years ago. But I don't feel comfortable doing things behind her back and would sooner be more open and honest.

I don't think she'd have a problem with me going out away from home. It is really me making a big thing about it in my head. I guess I'm scared she will think less of me even though I know she probably won't because of the type of person she is. It's mad I know but I just need to do something to break this circle otherwise I'll never feel comfortable with my crossdressing. It may sound selfish of me but I'm starting to feel down about it all which isn't a healthy position to be in.

I've started to write her a letter as I sometimes find it easier to express my feeling in that way, at least initially.

Katie x

[Beverley Sims]

You are not being stupid but years of ingrained dressing and others reactions to it do make it hard to shake off the shackles.

[Danielle_cder]

simply put no you should not be ashamed to crossdress there is absolutely nothing wrong with it imho.

[Katie Russell]

Hi Danielle

I agree but it doesn't stop those insecurities I feel. As Beverley said it is ingrained and the fears exist. I cannot control how other people think but when that person is your wife it creates a feeling of shame.

Katie x

[Helen_Highwater]

Katie,

You write about going out with your wife's permission. Have you given consideration to going out with your wife? One of the options often floated as one possible way of getting out for that first time is to attend a social group. Find one away from where you live, perhaps combine it with a short break for the both of you.

Being a safe environment will be less nerve racking for you, easier to deal with and you'll get to meet like minded folk. Many social groups welcome the partners of CD'ers, you can always contact them beforehand and ask plus that environment will also give your SO opportunity to ask questions of others.

It's likely there will be a broad spectrum of folks there, after all, we're not all the same.

In answer to your main question, no you shouldn't be ashamed. You quite eloquently described how these feeling come about. Societal pressures weigh heavily upon us. Shaking off those burdens can be hard to do.

[Katie Russell]

Hi Helen

I do have a local social event in mind. I've chatted with a few girls who go but I just think it might be too much for her to cope with especially as it's held in the town where she works! Most of the girls I've talked to don't go with their wives or partners. I guess we can go in disguise whereas they go as they are so more chance of being recognised.

I just need to face up to my insecurities which are born out of this deep-seated shame.

Katie x

[Cheryl T]

We all fear the rejection we believe will come when we tell the one we love most.
Will they think we are perverted? Will they turn away from us? Will they no longer love us?

It's probably the most difficult thing I ever did in my entire life. But the freedom I gained from sharing this with her and the deepening of our love was SO worth it.

I know others have lost everything in doing so, but then I have to wonder, was the love really true? Was it the love they thought it was? If something like this can turn the person closest to us completely away from us, then were we supposed to be here in the first place? Maybe that response shows just how the relationship really was. I don't know. I'm one of the lucky ones and it was so worth telling her.

[Rhonda Jean]

Ashamed is a strong word. I think you need to be realistic that what you do and whatever drives you to do it is never understood, impossible to explain, and conjures up images and thoughts in her mind that will be inaccurate yet hard to dislodge. Almost nobody from outside this small community looks at this the way we do.

I don't think you should be ashamed, but I don't think you should under estimate any of this.

[Nikki A.]

I told my wife when we got to the serious ( commitment ) stage. She varied on how accepting she was, but we kept the lines of communication open and kept each others boundaries in mind. She passed away a few years back so I have no real limitations now. I am out in public and open to quite a few people and yet I'm nervous to tell my son and daughter (now in their mid to late 20's). I think they have an idea and I don't think they'd have a problem, especially my daughter, but it's still hard. They've lost their mom and I don't want to have them think they'll lose their dad also.

[docrobbysherry]

Good news, Katie! I came out here after dressing in a vacuum for 10 years. I had many guilt issues caused by dressing. But, after 3+ years of hearing girls here tell me that I'm not hurting anyone so why the guilt? Both dressing and guilt only hurt me!:sad:

I guess it finally sunk in! Because my guilt is gone! In it's place? I'm now kind of proud of Sherry and what I do!:thumbsup:
That can happen for u and anyone here if u live it and believe it!:battingeyelashes:

[Maria_mtf]

Your OP sounds very similar to how I feel about talking to my wife, every time I tell her something new I feel like I am coming out for the first time. Often they end heated and I know I am hurting her so that adds to the fear. However not talking about it is not an option and only makes it worse.

I recently wrote my wife a letter, explaining basically every thought and desire I had about dressing, so I will share my learning.

1. Maybe don't tell too much all in one ago. She was not best impressed I unloaded it ALL onto her.
2. Explain why you are writing it in a letter, and ask if she is happy with that.
3. Explain you are concerned it could be a lot for her to take in, offer for you to sit by to answer any questions while she reads. I left my wife read it, I was only next door but she said I was a coward for leaving her read it alone, she's right.
4. Don't make a list of demands. I didn't mean it to be, but saying I would like to do X Y Z made it sound like a demand.
5. Explain that you are not looking for anything to change immediately you just want to share your feelings which you are not good at doing. My wife thought I wanted to be a women after reading mine, I don't.
6. Do not take all my advice, you wife is not mine and you are not me.

Good luck and share your progress

Maria x

[Teresa]

Katie,
The things that go round in circles in our heads , we know much of it is down to social pressures . One of my counsellors worked on me to stop the vicious destructive cycle of assumptions , continually thinking what other people think and not being able to resolve any of it .

You truthfully said you don't feel ashamed , that is good because it means you believe in yourself , try and hold onto that and build on it . Maybe isolate the shameful thoughts and see where they come from and who from , then you can deal with them . Most of us were born with this trait , there's nothing we can do about it so why should we feel or made to feel ashamed of it . Talking to other herer and better still in reality is the way forward , to deal with in isolation just doesn't work .

If you want your wife to understand it might be a good idea to write your CDing history down , how it started , where you are know and truthfully where you would like to be . The fact that you have taken the time and trouble to do this carries some weight besides it solves the problem of becomming tongue tied when you try and tallk to her . If you go on to counselling you then have a clearer picture for them to work with .

The other point is you were a CDer before you met your wife nothing changed that when you married so you are still the same person , I still question why does a wife/partner have to stop loving you , if they truly loved you then there shouldn't be a problem . The ones that claim they were lied to , let down, married a male image not the person . I know that now from my own experience , the honesty issue goes both ways women don't disclose everything before marrying

[Confucius]

I believe it is understandable to feel ashamed of your need to crossdress, however I don't think you SHOULD be ashamed.

I feel this shame myself. It is caused by an upbringing that associated crossdressing with mental illnesses and sinful behavior, and childhood where doing anything like a girl would mean I was inferior to my peers, and society that denigrates gender nonconformity. We often believe that if people we loved knew our secret then we would face rejection. We don't want to harm our hard earned respect before our parents, our siblings, our spouse, our coworkers and our children.

I have always told my wife that she comes first, and my crossdressing will always stay within her tolerances. Because I put her first, I do not crossdress in public. I can live with that, and still admire fellow crossdressers who do. My life would be different if my wife showed more encouragement.

Although I believe it is normal to feel shame with my crossdressing, I don't believe that I need to feel shame. Crossdressing doesn't mean that I am bad person, or a crazy person. It doesn't mean that I am a bad husbands or less competent on my job. I am proud of who I am and proud of my life's accomplishments. For me crossdressing is just something that makes me more interesting.

[Jenny22]

CDing for (what I believe) the vast majority of us is something we must do. I do believe it starts in the womb with an overflow excess of Female hormones that have an enormous CD or TG effect on our brains though we are born as Males. Otherwise, why would some of us start dressing so very young and well before puberty? There is some very good research on this, but the answers are yet to be fully confirmed. Scour the web for this information. Print the best to show your wife so she may better understand why you do what you do. You just have to do what you do. Its compulsive and won't go away.

As to going out, if you can blend decently, ask her to go out with you to a place 'far, far away' and enjoy a dinner and a movie. But first, tell her that she's the most important person in the world to you and how much you love her and will always be her man. Good Luck!

[Tahoegurl]

Hi Katie, the only way to know what another human thinks is to ask them. I know that I rehearse conversations with my wife playing both parts to try and over come whatever topic I can't bring my self to have with her. The truth is that I am making a ton of assumptions. When I am upfront and honest with her and respect her to have her own feelings...things usually go better. Maybe this is something to be discussed with a councillor. Your OP seems like a good start to a conversation. I wish you all the best. Cheers.

[Cassandra Lynn]

To put it simply.......

NO!

Cass

[Heather Daniels]

Well Katie, Im not sure if we "should" be ashamed, but I know that like you, I certainly am. I just cant feel any different no matter how hard I try.

[Becky Blue]

No one can tell you not to be ashamed, but perhaps if you can learn to embrace the gift that you have been given i.e.. Katie in time you can get over that feeling. Realising that Becky was a gift that has enhanced my life in many ways and given me the opportunity to experience things that ordinary boring guys don't get to experience.

[Kas]

Yes!

Oh wait.. I mean No!!!!

[Rayleen]

No, never was and never will be ashamed, this my body and mind and is programed this way.

Communication and honesty will liberate guilt you may have Katie.

[Meghan4now]

Katie,

Certainly there may be traces of shame, which may linger for years, but as others have mentioned, your experience may be more fear based than shame per se.

This is actually somewhat reasonable even if it is over developed. After all, life experience has taught most CDs that non acceptance of varying extremes is fairly probable. Your feelings of fear lead to avoidance. If it were just debilitating shame, I doubt you would be out as far as you are. But then again,I might be way off. But just because your out to your wife does not mean you don't fear the possibility of pushing your wife too far by expanding your activities. Again this may not be shame at all. Or maybe you fear where you are going with this?

[abbiedrake]

@Teri Wise words for us all. Honestly is certainly the best.

Hey @Nikki Sorry to hear about your wife. I hope you can tell your kids sooner rather than later. Who knows? Instead of them losing dad they'll gain a new mum AND a happier dad.

- - - Updated - - -

Sherry, thanks for that inspirational post. Gives me hope. 😃💅👸

- - - Updated - - -

I'll stop just agreeing with everyone now. 😁

Katie, you're spoilt for choice here. So much plain good advice. No, you shouldn't feel ashamed but like Meghan I sense that it's not so much shame you're expressing. It sounds you feel somehow like you're letting your wife down. That you don't occupy the same space in your marriage you once did. You are still that man, right? I, personally, am going through a patch of upping my game in male mode to reassure my wife. I think it takes a secure man to CD. Weak men toe the line and call it 'gay' or whatever. Keep talking to your wife and hopefully she'll come to see that Katie is an integral, and healthy, part of the man she fell in love with and committed her life to.
I hope it works out and you can come to terms with yourself.

[JenniferMBlack]

Should you be? No. Are you? Maybe I don't know you. So you have a weakness your flawed and you don't measure up to some other guys. News flash everyone has weaknesses are flawed and will fall short of others some how. We are humans but also individuals which means we are all different in some way.
So why is it hard to talk to your wife? This is something you have been doing in secret the entire time and you probably don't fully understand all of it. So to now be totally open and try to explain it to someone seams weird. Just my $.02 worth.

[Katie Russell]

Hi all

Thank you all for your comments. I guess that it s a powerful mixture of emotions, shame, fear and insecurity which have festered over many years. The stupid thing is logically I shouldn't have these emotion because of the kind of person my wife is. But still they persist and every time I want to start a conversation these emotion take over and stop me. It's really breaking that circle so that I can put these emotions to bed once and for all.

Katie x

[Asew]

Be ashamed? No. But totally understandable how society kind of makes us feel that way initially.

When I initially told my wife, I felt like there was so much I didn't tell her. So I wrote her a letter of my entire history, what I like, and where I see this going in the future. And sometimes there are things now I want to tell her and sometimes hesitant since she doesn't like to talk about it much. So I kind of feel like I am hiding some of it from her just because she doesn't want to hear about it too much. So I still feel like I am in the circle at times.

[Stephanie47]

I think most married cross dressing men will agree marital life would be a lot simpler if he did not have the "need" to wear women's clothing. Further, more than wearing the clothes, to emulate a woman. The whole deal. I know my world would have been a lot simpler.

Back in my teen years (1960's) I felt ashamed. I also was totally confused because men who wore women's clothing were deemed to be homosexual. Very confusing for a kid with raging hormones. Going against societal norms and expectations really did not have a positive end game. It did not achieve anything. Yet it brought angst.

My wife wants nothing to do with my crossdressing. She has gotten passed the hurdle that somehow this was a reflection upon her. Sure, I would love to have her acceptance. That's not going to happen. She did tell me if I wanted to join a support group she was alright with it. None to be found in my area in the 1980's. No I feel I do not need any validation from others or my wife. My problem is dealing with their problem of accepting. Oh, I could done my pretties and strut out the door and really upset the apple cart. However, weighing the scale of what I would get out of that is less than what I would lose.

I am not ashamed. However, it would have been nice if I was not born or molded into a man who feels some deep kindred to women to the extend of emulating a woman. Perhpas you need to have a chat over coffee or wine. My wife has not said 'boo' for 35 years. Sometimes I would love it if she threw a dish across the kitchen at me in order to get a conversation going.

[Scheryl_O]

I think I have a similar path, teens being ashamed ,twenties still not understanding and now at 53 I realize the powerful pull it has on me. I realize now that I want this more in my life than ever. And to dress more often than every few months, like every day if I could! My wife accepts to a fault, no surgery or relationship’s with benefits! It would be a fast ticket to divorce court.

[Jane G]

Hi Katie. I can certainly related to your situation and feelings. I have always tried to put my wife's feelings ahead of my own. I guess it is the easiest solution for me. The simple question is. Do I love/respect my partner more than I love/respect myself. The love part is real easy. The respect part is where the heartache and inner doubts lie.

[Karen's Secret]

Guilt and shame is what we feel when we have done something wrong, or we believe we've done something wrong. The problem for some of us is that we struggle with self acceptance and shedding the learned belief that crossdressing is somehow wrong. I often think that if I was surrounded with people who don't feel crossdressing is wrong then that just leaves me as the barrier. At age 51 I still struggle with the guilt and shame.