Pushed the envelope to far with the wife

[Leonora]

Well I want go into all the details lets just say I took the cross-dressing to far. We got into a little argument and my wife said she understand if I found a man that I was in love with she would give me a divorce. I tried to explain I am not gay I don't know if she fully believes me or not. I think we are ok for now but I just have to be on my best behavior for a while. There was some other things said to I just don't want to air them out here.

[kimberly c]

What did your wife consider crossing the line?

[KatrinaK]

Full stop. Professional help is required. Get a couples counselor who specializes in gender issues. That person will be able to objectively assuage your wife’s concerns in a way you will never be able to. She is wildly misguided in her assumption that there is any correlation between gender and sexuality and you run the risk of talking yourself in more trouble.

[Confucius]

Sorry to hear about your problem. I understand that some wives consider crossdressing as a form of adultery. They believe your male side is getting sexual gratification from your female side. How can she compete with your female alter-ego? So the first order of business is to keep yourself busy telling your wife that you love her, you think she is wonderful, and remind her that she is beautiful.

What you wife needs to understand is that she is not competing with your female alter-ego. Your wife occupies a special place in your heart and she comes first in your life. You need to explain to your wife that your brain is just hardwired to release feel-good neurotransmitters when you feminize yourself. It is weird, but your crossdressing is a stress reliever by releasing dopamine which helps combat the effects of cortisol.

[Di]

Full stop. Professional help is required. Get a couples counselor who specializes in gender issues. That person will be able to objectively assuage your wife’s concerns in a way you will never be able to. She is wildly misguided in her assumption that there is any correlation between gender and sexuality and you run the risk of talking yourself in more trouble.
Read above and do just what Katrina suggests . It sounds like your wife does not understand and has reached some wild conclusions.

[Macey]

Aw, crap. I'm sorry Leonora! This is going to require pins and needles for a bit, extra attention for herself and reassurances, and I think Katrina has the right of it … counseling. There may be more here that needs to be addressed.

[Lilith Moon]

I've been there and done that. Be very careful. These sort of misunderstandings can silently fester and corrode relationships. From the few details you gave I think that 'little argument' is a ominous sign. You will need more than 'best behavior for a while' to put things right.

[Leonora]

I think you are right about it that way but that makes sense Confucius. And Kimberly I had put my school girl outfit.

[Lydianne]

I'm sorry to hear this too, Leonora. Hopefully after a cooling off period, your wife will be more receptive to a more accurate understanding :sadp:.

But schoolgirl outfit(?) :raisedeyebrow:. Hadn't you only just broken through into jeans? :thinking:. When did you get the schoolgirl outfit?

- Lydianne.

[alwayshave]

Leonora, I'm sorry to hear this. I'll second going to couples counseling that specializes in gender issues.

[Leonora]

I got the school girl outfit a few weeks ago but she had not seen it yet. It might have been the combination of those two things. I wanted to use the school girl outfit in the bedroom and it was just the final straw. I didn't want to mention that I didn't want to say anything that would be against site rules.

[Macey]

Oh … that's probably not something to 'spring' on someone by surprise

[prene]

I have lost a few gf's to my cding.

I am seeing a therapist currently ... she is GREAT (my Therapist).

I agree with KatrinaK maybe you first and see where it goes from there.

Good luck

[Tracii G]

School girl outfits are a fetish thing so there is no telling what she is thinking.
You (her man) is dressed all sexy so therefore he wants a man seems pretty clear to me thats what she is thinking.
Can you blame her?
I don't see why guy CDers push things so hard, you really should have known better.

[Leonora]

You are right I know it was kinda dumb but I have used other lingerie in the bedroom with out any issues it my own fault.

[Tracii G]

I am sorry you are in hot water tho'

[JenniferR771]

You are going to have to be sweet to her.
However try to get her to join up and get involved in discussions in the "Loved Ones" section.
It might help to talk with other wives.

[DeeDeeB]

I'm afraid your wife is falling into a fairly normal misconception of crossdressing, that we are all gay men looking to attract another man. I believe this comes from drag queens who are performance artists, not necessarily crossdressers. They do have a reputation for being gay (watch Rue Paul's Drag Race). Fact is, we crossdressers are mostly heterosexual men who like dressing as women. So call the fashion police (sorry, couldn't help that). Seriously, I agree with the suggestion that you seek counseling (be careful who you choose), or both go to a trans convention (I like FantasiaFair in Provincetown, but there are many others) who have seminars to help the SOs (wives) to understand what is going on, as well as help you to understand yourself. Just suppressing your desires may be harmful to you and your relationship. What you have is a fairly normal condition that you shouldn't be ashamed of in any way, and I wish you the best in working it out.

Best,
DeeDee :fairy1:

[Leonora]

Yeah I am already seeing a therapist.

[DeeDeeB]

That is a good first step, how about your wife?

DeeDee

[nikkiwindsor]

My wife and I have had fair share of ups and downs during our more than years of marriage. Putting my wife first; continually expressing my love, admiration and respect for her; and listening to her has really helped. Over the past several months, a major point of contention has been my weight loss. So, I'm gaining some weight back which which will make her very happy. Understanding each other's needs, making sacrifices for each other, and growing with one another has also strengthened our relationship. I hope all the best for you and your wife.

[Patience]

I had put my school girl outfit.A very poor choice for presentation to an apprehensive spouse. No wonder she's so perplexed.

You may have more luck incorporating your dressing into your married life if you present yourself with some dignity. That is, assuming you want to stay married.

[DianaPrince]

Hugs to you

[MonicaPVD]

School girl outfits are a fetish thing so there is no telling what she is thinking.
You (her man) is dressed all sexy so therefore he wants a man seems pretty clear to me thats what she is thinking.
Can you blame her?
I don't see why guy CDers push things so hard, you really should have known better.

Bingo!!!! Any grown up, regardless of gender, that puts on a school girl outfit has entered the realm of fetish.

[Kas]

I wanted to use the school girl outfit in the bedroom and it was just the final straw. I didn't want to mention that I didn't want to say anything that would be against site rules.

There’s nothing wrong with this, but I would have definitely mentioned/asked her about it before doing it to gauge a reaction.

- - - Updated - - -


I don't see why guy CDers push things so hard, you really should have known better.

Unfortunately many have the false assumption that their partner actually loves them for who they are.

[Tracii G]

Women marry men because they see a strong provider for their family first off.
A man to protect her and the kids.
Also for sexual gratification.
Love is the last thing on the list, if it were the first thing none of the rest would matter as much.
You the CDer have a wife that kind of accepts or just isn't sure and you parade out in fetish gear.What you have done is blown every image of you in her mind.
Everything she ever saw in you is now subject to question and she may even be mad at herself for marrying you in the first place because right now it looks like huge mistake.
Its always more than you think it is because you think like a man and not a woman.
Women are way more complex when it comes to issues of the heart.

[Maria_mtf]

Sorry to here this Leonora. FYI my wife sounds similar to yours, lingerie in bedroom is ok (well great) but anything beyond is a no no. Again like you I don't want to go into details. Cool off period and talking sounds like good solution.

[Kas]

Women marry men because they see a strong provider for their family first off.
A man to protect her and the kids.
Also for sexual gratification.
Love is the last thing on the list, if it were the first thing none of the rest would matter as much.
You the CDer have a wife that kind of accepts or just isn't sure and you parade out in fetish gear.What you have done is blown every image of you in her mind.
Everything she ever saw in you is now subject to question and she may even be mad at herself for marrying you in the first place because right now it looks like huge mistake.
Its always more than you think it is because you think like a man and not a woman.
Women are way more complex when it comes to issues of the heart.

And that’s why bros come before hoes.

[Helen_Highwater]

School girl outfits are a fetish thing so there is no telling what she is thinking.
You (her man) is dressed all sexy so therefore he wants a man seems pretty clear to me thats what she is thinking.
Can you blame her?
I don't see why guy CDers push things so hard, you really should have known better.

Traci,
You beat me to it, as soon as I read school girl the alarm bells were going full bore.

Leonora,

I have to say this is of your own making. At the very least you've signalled to your SO that you lust after younger females and she's seen that as a reflection upon her own desirability.

If you haven't already thrown those clothes away do so now. They should never see the light of day again unless that is you want to end your marriage. Don't hide them away, have a ceremonial burning, take them to a charity shop, cut them up with scissors, just make sure your SO knows and you've done it as a way of admitting you made a huge error of judgement and that you're deeply sorry.

After a suitable time period, before buying anything else dress wise, once you want to restart, before buying ask your SO, "Do you think this would suit me", or something along those lines. Both get her approval and importantly her input into where your dressing goes. If she doesn't like what she sees then things could quickly degrenerate in the future.

[KatieGG]

Personally I never understood the cross dressers must be gay thought. Why would a guy dress like a girl to attract someone who likes men?

But anyway, going from jeans to a school girl outfit is a big jump to throw on someone. You need to first apologize, and reassure her that she is still the woman of the relationship and that you are still attracted to her.
Does she know about this site? It might help her to see all the great guys here who are in loving relationships and show her that your cding while maybe considered odd is not unheard of and she is not alone in it.

[Beverley Sims]

It is easy to push the envelope, it is difficult to advise you not knowing all the circumstances.

Her opinion of you being gay needs to be nipped in the bud, couples counseling may help but is your relationship at a drastic stage.

[AnnieMac]

For starters as a polite suggestion to improve things, she is "your wife", or "my wife", not "the wife"
I really dislike when men say "the wife". Bothers me a lot - sorry, - Annie.

[Krisi]

I got the school girl outfit a few weeks ago but she had not seen it yet. It might have been the combination of those two things. I wanted to use the school girl outfit in the bedroom and it was just the final straw. I didn't want to mention that I didn't want to say anything that would be against site rules.

Not every woman has a lesbian fantasy that some men think they have. We've seen too much porn. It's difficult but you have to know your wife's limits and not go beyond them. Let her set the boundaries, especially in bed. And "school girl outfit"? Aren't you a bit old for that?

[Di]

School girl outfit .....well then I would explain you were not thinking just thought it would be fun it was really dumb and say you are sorry.
In the meantime concentrate on her instead of yourself it has to be about the both of you.
It is common for us to hear Ggs say they pushed and pushed and nothing was enough and they give up. Do not let this happen.
Our life was more of two females and Sher had a schoolgirl outfit I bought her as she envied all the outfits at school she could not wear when growing up. We took pictures and she wore it for Halloween and put it away.
I can not imagine why you would think she would enjoy that in bed .
It’s done/ please think of you both from here on out. It really has to be about you both.
Show her you love her

[Stephanie47]

The general public really has poor information concerning cross dressers. You wife is no different. She jumps to the conclusion men who wear women's clothing are homosexual. Nothing has changed. That was the consensus back in the 1950's and 1960's. Back then there really was no source of information. Now, there is plenty of opportunity to be educated. Counseling is always recommended. First, to educate your wife as to cross dressing. Second, as cross dressing relates to your relationship with your wife. Not mine. Not someone else's on this site.

I came to the conclusion or acceptance that my wife really wanted nothing to do with my desires to wear women's clothing. For me, to push my desires which at the time were rather tame (panties and nightgowns) was nothing short of spousal abuse. Marriages are not just a one sided affair. My wife told me it was alright with her for me to join a support group. That came after being educated that my desires had nothing to do with her period. I was not gay. I just had a quirk. Just don't push it upon her. That was in 1983 ish. Since then it is a private affair. I have my Stephanie time. She leaves me alone. I leave her alone.

I hope your wife gets educated. I hope you can reach a mutually acceptable accommodate. I would also recommend finding another outlet to explore Leonora.

[Rhonda Jean]

For starters as a polite suggestion to improve things, she is "your wife", or "my wife", not "the wife"
I really dislike when men say "the wife". Bothers me a lot - sorry, - Annie.

I agree totally! It's always bothered me, too. Figured I was the only one.

[sometimes_miss]

And that’s why bros come before hoes.
That's just nasty. It's because men's friendships with other men are different from our friendships with women, and far different from women's friendships with other women.
Men can go days, years, even decades with zero contact with a male friend, and pick up right like we left off 30 years ago. Women, OTOH, need frequent contact from their friends, or they feel ignored. Ask a woman how she'd feel if one of her friends suddenly stopped calling or talking to her for a few weeks; she'd automatically think that there was something very wrong, and be quite upset.

Example. Women punish each other by giving the other the silent treatment. Men love silence, and feel that means everything's going great.


Personally I never understood the cross dressers must be gay thought. Why would a guy dress like a girl to attract someone who likes men?
But anyway, going from jeans to a school girl outfit is a big jump to throw on someone. You need to first apologize, and reassure her that she is still the woman of the relationship and that you are still attracted to her.
Does she know about this site? It might help her to see all the great guys here who are in loving relationships and show her that your cding while maybe considered odd is not unheard of and she is not alone in it.
Have to be careful; because not only will she read about the guys who never want anything sexual or romantic to do with other men, but she will ALSO read about the guys who DO want sexual relationships with other men, as well as the ones who gradually moved towards transitioning. This was the mistake that our therapist made when my wife started attending online and IRL support groups; she heard all the horror stories from disgruntled wives about husbands 'turning out gay' or gradually realizing that they were TS and then transitioning. So he will have to be careful with that. A gender specialist therapist will be better to start with.

The general public really has poor information concerning cross dressers. You wife is no different. She jumps to the conclusion men who wear women's clothing are homosexual. Nothing has changed. That was the consensus back in the 1950's and 1960's.
It was like that all the way through the 70's and 80's too, in fact, even well into the 90's. Sure, there's information out there, but other than those who are actively looking for it, the general public is still just like they were 30 years ago.

Back then there really was no source of information. Now, there is plenty of opportunity to be educated.
But they have to WANT to learn. Most don't. Even after Dennis Rodman came out as CD, and Caitlyn Jenner came out as TS, there's still a large portion of the population that refuses to accept any gender bending. It's quite evident in the tech and automotive forum's off topic discussions on various places on the net, that a whole lot of people don't think any of us are acceptable in our off gender behavior and beliefs.

[Jenny22]

I've reread your initial posts... you're in counseling; You don't really listen to what your wife actually says ... reread your Nov. 16 post wherein she denies that you are a crossdresser and says at least you don't want to wear her dresses!! And then you surprise her by wearing a school girl's uniform in front of her !! No wonder she said what she said!

Others have given sage advice. Listen to them with open ears and no filters. Its now not all about you (your posts). Its about her and you and your marriage. Explain what happened to your counselor who must be skilled in Gender issues, and ask if you can bring your wife, soon, presuming your wife is accepting. I'm sure you are not a 'bad' person. Just wise up to what's happening and being said by your wife. I sincerely wish you and she the best of luck as you two walk the path.

[Diane Taylor]

There's a good chance that if the counselor doesn't tell your wife what she wants to hear, she will dismiss the counseling and you'll be right back to square one. Opinions rooted in upbringing are hard to change. I wish you good luck in your quest for her understanding and acceptance of you.

[JenniferR771]

Diane is right. And be careful about selecting a counselor. Read the counselor's website carefully--read between the lines for signs of old-fashioned attitudes. One of our conservative counselors actually refused to see us again. One of them warned me sternly, "The wages of sin are death!"
So true--drag performers and "Drag Race" perpetuate the old stereotypes about gay men wearing dresses.

It is possible. If the woman has an open mind and accepts that you are still the same person. It is a delight. Read a few posts from accepting wives. Char GG, and Di for instance. And many others. If you can get your wife to help pick out outfits and give you style advice--that is a good first step. Put your makeup on all wrong--she will likely give you some critical--but helpful advice.
My wife refuses. However, it is fun at support group meetings when the accepting wives came along. Sometimes they huddle in a corner and talk about cookie recipes and their children. They share a giggle or two about their husband's strange taste in clothes before they explained things to them.
This while men in dresses talk about golfing and motorcycles.

Also try to get her to read a book like , "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rudd. And her other books.

Be sure to reassure her you will not embarrass her in front of relatives, friends and neighbors.
Be sure to reassure her that you will not endanger your job and her source of support.
And buy her some flowers or something red--like a Corolla.

[Tracii G]

Jennifer your last sentence sounds like the way a man thinks. " oh I messed up so I will buy her something".
That never fixes anything and it makes the guy look even worse.
I tried that and ended up being yelled at and a vase of roses in my face and told what an ahole I was for thinking I could buy her off. Been there done that and I don't suggest ever doing that.

[Micki_Finn]

Women marry men because they see a strong provider for their family first off.
A man to protect her and the kids.
Also for sexual gratification.
Love is the last thing on the list, if it were the first thing none of the rest would matter as much.
You the CDer have a wife that kind of accepts or just isn't sure and you parade out in fetish gear.What you have done is blown every image of you in her mind.
Everything she ever saw in you is now subject to question and she may even be mad at herself for marrying you in the first place because right now it looks like huge mistake.
Its always more than you think it is because you think like a man and not a woman.
Women are way more complex when it comes to issues of the heart.
Thank you for “mansplaining” women to us, although could you do it with MORE misogyny next time?