Why does crossdressing make me feel empty, alone and scared?

[TolerantCD]

Like i'm breaking some law by doing it or opening a can of worms from which there's no coming back. I feel like people would look down on me and think I was disgusting.

[Micki_Finn]

That’s called anxiety. As to WHY you experience anxiety in relation to your cross dressing, well it has something to do with your life but I’m afraid you’ll have to figure that out on your own. Not enough info here.

[TolerantCD]

So it never happened to you?

[Helen_Highwater]

Breaking a law, no. Breaking what has been in the past a long established social taboo, yes.

Even in areas of high acceptance going out will generate some level of anxiety. It's hard for any of us, especially in the early forays to go out without any nerves or apprehension. What you're feeling is absolutely normal.

"I feel like people would look down on me and think I was disgusting." Guess what? A few, a very few will. It goes with the turf. It's something we have to deal with. Thankfully, it is a very few. Most are either OK with us, neutral, just can't be bothered one way or the other. And that's what you've got to get your head around.

We create these demons, these doomsday scenarios of the world being against us in our heads. We create the environment that causes us to fear. It's that fear that stops so many going out.

EDIT:

I've just seen your question to Micki and the answer certainly for me was yes, I suffered with those anxieties.

I've told this tale many times; my first real outing, going into a shop in the middle of the day started with me sat in the car, butterflies the size of eagles, nervous as hell. Opening that car door and stepping out took all my determination. Stood in a busy car park, putting on my coat I felt like everyone was watching me when in truth of course they weren't. I walked into the nearest shop and began browsing the racks. After only a few minutes my nerves had calmed, I began to relax. One shop became 2 then 3 , probably 10 or more before I was finished. Since then I've gone from strength to strength.

Still sometimes get a little nervous but that's a good thing as it means I've got my spidy senses turned on.

[phili]

Hi Tolerant,
From early childhood we get the message that we are assigned to a camp- man or woman, and there will be terrible consequences if we object, or try to escape. These enforcement threats are perhaps lost in the mists of history, but that is the source of your feelings. A therapist, or perhaps just journal writing, can free you of it by making those voices clear, remembering the scenes, relitigating them with the enforcer, etc.

I love to remember a day in the fitting room foyer at a clothes shop where the attendant helping me who was friendly, went on break. Her replacement looked at me and the handful of very feminine clothes, and ... felt she too was about to be embroiled in some kind of perverse downward spiral of society. The first attendant smiled easily and handed her the clothes to count, and said "Why not?" She saw it too, and relaxed.

[Allisa]

Your not breaking any law because you CD. Being thought of as disgusting is associated with the types of clothing and your actions if and when in public view, the act itself is not disgusting. And alone in this CDing thing I'm sure the majority of us here have felt that way at one time or another.

[Tracii G]

You need to ask yourself why you feel that way.
Be honest with yourself too no BS.
It could be the way you were raised or the fact you think all CDers must be gay and you think you are not.
Homophobia is rampant in the CD spectrum btw.
You obviously have not accepted yourself and that can take time.
No you are not breaking the law.
I will say you will only go as far as you want it to go so thinking you are going to fall in some hole is silly.
Its just dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender and you aren't the only one so lighten up a little.

[TolerantCD]

It could become addictive, and I must admit I do it for sexual reasons and could end up with me needing to cross dress to get turned on at all.

[Tracii G]

Only if you let it so its up to you, don't blame it on a sexual fantasy.

[Robertacd]

If it is giving you this much anxiety, then you really should consider counseling.

[nvlady]

The easy answer to your question is that you are the only one in the whole world that has these desires. And that is the same thing that every one of us on this forum went through.
Don't worry, on this forum we see you as normal.

[RADER]

At 71, years old, I dress for enjoyment, not for any sexual satisfaction.
I do not leave the house while dressed, so you might say I am in the Closet.
I am OK with that, I could not pass as a woman, so why should I try to be one.
Wearing a dress or a skirt around the house is relaxing to me, and I look forwards
to my dressing times.
rader

[docrobbysherry]

Tolerant, I'm not clear. Is that the opinion u have of yourself and your dressing? If so, I had that same feelings when I first arrived here 10 years ago. But, with encouraged from members here, telling me I'm not hurting anyone and sex while dressed is quite common and normal, they have gone away!:thumbsup:

If you're worried about getting flack when u go out? I get it and dislike it, too!:Angry3:
So, I just avoid all vanilla venues when possible. T friendly venues r fun and encouraging! Never negative. I suggest u do the same!:battingeyelashes:

[Micki_Finn]

So it never happened to you?

It’s happened to most of us to some degree, but you asked WHY, and your reasons for anxiety are unique to you and your life and we can’t tell you why.

[Rachelakld]

Generally, people who wish they were better than everyone else and have "self control", tend to look down on anyone else who enjoy their sexuality, be it ****ty, CD, Gay, masturbation etc. We are conditioned to put all these things in the "disgusting" file because we need so measure to make us feel "better" than all the other humans on the planet.

I was lucky enough to be raised by a woman who knew being "sexual" was a normal part of being human, so non of the above activities were filed as "disgusting"
She also taught me (and "LandMark Forum" reinforced the idea later in life), that only I, was allowed to judge me

[Kas]

You’ll get used to it

[Confucius]

Tolerant CD, I believe the shame you feel is due to social expectations. It is also part of the biological imperative. We are a competitive species with a hierarchical society. At the top of the ladder are the alpha males who are the powerful dominant natural leaders with the respect of the peers. At the bottom of the ladder are the betas who are weak, effeminate, and easily bullied. Females are naturally attracted to the alpha males, and the betas are invisible to them.

So when you crossdress you fear people will beat the snot out of you for your own good. Actually, society is much more tolerant than we expect. The fear of rejection you experience is largely self imposed. Nonetheless, that fear is common among crossdressers. We have worked all our lives trying to meet expectations about our manhood, and we don't want it to be fake.

My advice is simply be yourself. You don't need to pass as a woman. You don't need to take risks, or go out in public. Stay within your comfort zone. Impose boundaries for yourself that give you a sense of self control. Appreciate yourself for all the positive attributes you have.

[Macey]

There is a committee in your head … for most of us, I think over one thing or a great many things. It takes the negative things you may have heard about yourself and echoes them until they are magnified and the source is lost.

Damn them! Damn that committee in your head! They are liars. They will tell you ugly lies and pretty lies. Sometimes even ugly truths designed to hurt you again and again. They are liars!

When the committee starts their lying, ask yourself, your true self … "Am I harming anyone?" "Am I harming myself?" "Am I putting myself or someone else in danger?"

If your true self answers "No" then you know the committee is lying to you and you can ignore them.

A thousand people can tell you something good about you. One person tells you something bad, and that's the voice that the committee will invite in and allow to echo and magnify. They are liars!

You don't need anyone's permission to follow your bliss (crossdressing, or whatever), but just in case you feel that you do, you have MY permission to enjoy yourself.

[Judy-Somthing]

I think it's because allot of people tell us it's wrong!
My wife constantly says cross-dressing is all wrong and messed up.
I had plans last week to dress, I have four new dresses but the night before my wife saw a cross-dresser on TV and ranted about how messed up he was.
It made me feel bad the next day so I couldn't get in the mode to dress.
I thought a little about Purging!

[Tracii G]

To put it bluntly you are no different than many on this forum so your predicament is not special or is it a one in a million thing its actually quite common.
Basically what you think about yourself doing this is all coming from your mind and your belief structure so the best thing to do is accept it and enjoy dressing.
Why not let yourself enjoy something for once?

[Becky Blue]

You can allow the shame to dominate your thinking and hate yourself for how you feel. It can take time, but life will be easier if you learn to accept or even embrace your feelings. Not saying its easy to do and how you feel is common, but the simple fact is how you feel is not going to go away. The sexual thrill may ease or stop over time but not the rest.

[alwayshave]

Tolerant, I belong to a local meetup group that meets every other month or so. I go to this group and I feel just the opposite.

[deebra]

The Answer Is: We are taught as males to never ever do anything feminine, it is weakness and we must be macho and strong. We should feel shame if we do. Everyone will look down on us with shame and discuss. It will make them sick to their stomachs to see a man in women's clothes. How stupid when society approves of women dressing and wearing anything and any gender they like. TolerantCD now you know, be smart, rise above this sexist discriminatory thinking. Do you have the same rights as a woman, damn right. They go in a store and buy and wear what ever clothing they like, no problem doing this, good for them. If they can do this you can and have the same right. Now you know, trash can the guilt.

[rhonda]

Hi TolerantCD Welcome to the world of crossdressing about the only thing you cant do is quit . it kinda grows on you .like it controls our thoughts and actions and there is nothing we can do about it but except who we are , hope you enjoy your new life Rhonda xoxoxo

[Robertacd]

I must admit I do it for sexual reasons and could end up with me needing to cross dress to get turned on at all.

Well then chances are once Crossdressing no longer turns you on, you will find a new fetish and carry on.

[TolerantCD]

You mean i'll be unable to control it? I'll eventually have to be dressed 24/7 even if I only do it because it turns me on? That scares me to death

[Maria in heels]

It sounds like you are feeling very guilty about your dressing. If I can ask, why is it that you dress? Is it because you are expressing the other half of your persona, or is there another reason? If you grew up in a very strict household with tons of rules that could not be broken "or else", then this may be a feeling that is triggered by your dressing. As a child, everyone in my immediate family knew that I was different and liked women's clothing and shoes, and the simple - "you better stop doing this" has been with me all these years. I used to be so scared even just to venture out of the house, except under the cover of darkness when no one seemed to be around...and afterwards, it was the hurry up and change and hide all my things again. There is no law that says you aren't allowed to dress however you like but if you are worried about "what others will think" more than anything else, it will create that lonely, scared feeling

[TolerantCD]

Hi TolerantCD Welcome to the world of crossdressing about the only thing you cant do is quit . it kinda grows on you .like it controls our thoughts and actions and there is nothing we can do about it but except who we are , hope you enjoy your new life Rhonda xoxoxo

You mean i'll be unable to control it? I'll eventually have to be dressed 24/7 even if I only do it because it turns me on? That scares me to death

- - - Updated - - -


If I can ask, why is it that you dress?

Turns me on, I feel like i'm doing something really naughty and shocking.

[Stephanie47]

I've read your responses. There are two issues you are facing; dressing as a woman and getting turned on. Many people would view any man wearing women's clothing as "shocking" in itself. Add outfits that would be 'shocking' on a woman is the other issue. You are really going to attract attention whether or not you make into a passable woman. Obviously, either way you're not going to 'blend' into the environment. To me it sounds as a little exhibitionist? Of course. woman do dress to turn themselves or others on. Whether you're a woman or a male cross dresser you're going to "feel you're doing something really naughty and shocking."

When I was in my twenties and thirties my dressing style was to appear as an attractive woman but not as a provocative woman trying to allure others. Applying how I feel as a man and what attracted me to woman I did not go to the provocative teasing look. I was attracted to women who offered mystery. They were alluring to me.

I don't know what you mean by "controlling it?" And further "dressing 24/7 even if you only do it because it turns me on?" What do you or would you wear to 'turn yourself on' and what really constitutes your definition of 'turning yourself on?"

[TolerantCD]

I don't know what you mean by "controlling it?" And further "dressing 24/7 even if you only do it because it turns me on?"

I mean what I become too addicted it's just uncontrollable to the point that I won't ever be able to date or get married while keeping this as a hobby I only engage in when alone and don't feel repressed or stressed if I don't do it, so that I don't actually have to tell anyone about it.

[rhonda]

Hey Tolerant Maybe I was a little over the top about the control part , just relax and everything will work itself out , have some fun

[Beverley Sims]

It takes time to rid yourself of these feelings.

[pob]

I mean what I become too addicted it's just uncontrollable to the point that I won't ever be able to date or get married while keeping this as a hobby I only engage in when alone and don't feel repressed or stressed if I don't do it, so that I don't actually have to tell anyone about it.

If you want to date and get married you will be able to date and get married, dont panic ;)

I think people mostly mean that it would be difficult to cut out the dressing completely, we all gravitate toward activities we enjoy. Of course it is possible to get addicted to pretty much anything in an unhealthy way.

Feel free to continue exploring your desires and sexuality but try not to judge yourself too harshly.

[Alaina R]

Sounds like you are pretty young. So it turns you on, you don't feel good about it, and it isn't something you can make go away - that is scary. Many of us have been there. If you read this forum it sometimes seems like there is a requirement to go out, pass, act a certain way, etc. That is not true. Don't push yourself to go places or do things that are too uncomfortable or leaves you feeling disgusted. CDing can totally dominate your life or just be an interesting, albeit, sometimes difficult aspect. It can be isolating socially (which I found the the most depressing part of it) but it doesn't have to be - I've been happily married to a CD friendly woman for many years. Although CDing can seem narcissistic at times, it can also make you a better, more empathetic person. You 'are not' responsible for becoming a crossdresser; it is not something you chose. You 'are' responsible for how you handle the crossdressing. That will be part of your challenge in this life.

[sometimes_miss]

I feel like people would look down on me and think I was disgusting.
Well then, there you go. That's the reason.

[Ressie]

TolerantCD

It's possible that you'll find a girlfriend that likes your kinky side. I've had a couple throughout the years and many CDs have accepting wives. I'm actually very much like you and at 65 I've lived with it for a long time. Starting 40 years ago I have told the truth to any GF that developed into a relationship. Most didn't like the idea but they tolerated it. A couple ended up telling others my secret yet my live didn't end. And a couple of them had no problem sharing my CDing during sex.

And don't listen to those that say you can't stop. What they mean is you probably can't stop forever. But you can stop temporarily. You can start by going one day without dressing and masturbating.

What would make you feel better would be to stop being so serious about it. You're imagining what could happen in the future and that is what's causing the anxiety. Also reliving the past brings on guilt. So be here now - stay in the moment rather than thinking of possible future events. Stop saying "what if" and "I can't"!

[Tracii G]

The whole getting turned on sexually is common so chill out and don't worry so much.
For most that turned on feeling goes away in time.
Seems to me you are not transgender or transsexual and just have a kink for dressing up.
Just because you like to dress up doesn't mean you are gay or that it will get worse over time thats just silly.
You feel guilt because guys aren't supposed to wear womens clothes so it makes you feel its wrong or that it must mean you are gay and that dressing will make you start chasing men. Nothing could be further from the truth.
You sound like a straight guy with a kink.
You sound like a very young person that is not really sure about much of anything except your sex drive.

[CarlaWestin]

Geez. From now on I'm starting every post reply with, "I totally agree with Tracii." I just wish she'd spell her name right. :straightface:

If you want accurate responses, please state your age in your profile. I've been playing dress up for excitement for over fifty years. It's a comfort zone
and a turn on. I have no desire to transition as I know I'm male and celebrate being male with a special gift of gender exploration. The thrill of the scandal is
part of the program for me. Once you get to the other side of self acceptance, this becomes a truly wonderful proclivity. Ninety-nine percent of all stress we
endure was brought to us by someone else. So, why dump more on yourself.

Just enjoy the ride without the load of guilt.

[TolerantCD]

The thrill of the scandal is
part of the program for me


Yep, that’s me 100%

[penny lace]

Nothing to feel guilt or shame about it it is the fault of society that has a lack of acceptance.
Enjoy what you enjoy as life is short and we should make the most of it we can.

[Meghan4now]

You mean i'll be unable to control it? I'll eventually have to be dressed 24/7 even if I only do it because it turns me on? That scares me to death
Dear, while that is possible, it is not probable. Anything in excess can be unhealthy. However it is not uncommon to get lost in something new and exciting for a while, only to leave it later. You need to figure this out. And like others said, it is not going to help you fretting over it. Just try to keep things in check by setting some boundaries. This is life sweetheart, no garuntees as to the outcome.