I feel so lonely

[MonicaGirly]

It’s a really long story and I won’t bore you with the details, but I haven’t been allowed to dress for a long time. My whole life has changed to a crazy extent, most people would say it’s good, but I still have this burning desire to dress. The “pink fog” comes over me and I can’t act.

I work a job in a field I didn’t study making 40k. She makes more. It shouldn’t bother me, but she brings it up often enough and the fact that my wedding contributions aren’t up to par are blatantly obvious. The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, don’t know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.

Dressing gave me a creative outlet. I was passionate about it. The effort I put into “passing” (even though I never really did) was something I would pour so much work and heart into that it gave me joy. It gave me something to get lost in and I loved it. I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint. Only I was the canvas and blush was my paint.

The worst part is I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I’m so isolated. I’m in a new town with no friends, except my fiancées friends, but they don’t really count for this kind of thing, and coworkers I guess. I have so many emotions and feelings about my inner/past CD self and if I’m being honest some gender dysphoria and it’s all just moving so fast and I just wish for the love of goodness that my fiancée could understand, but she can’t and won’t. To her it’s unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016.

I just feel so da n isolated that I just had to vent. I’m sorry I wasted your time. There’s just nowhere else for me to go about this.

[JaytoJillian]

Oh, Monica, you definitely should consider postponing this marriage. Trust me on this one.

[Macey]

Honey, my heart goes out to you! You're 25, right at the cusp of adulthood (I know the law says 18, but there are real chemical changes that take place in the brain around age 27 that bring a second maturity and your priorities begin to change). For most people, this is a transitional time - the recent post highschool/college years and you will have to carve out a bit of what you are, what you want to do, and how you want to be.

The bad news: It sounds like your fiancée is a bit of a control freak if she a) won't understand who you are, even though she had this knowledge before you and she got together (you did reveal your crossdressing before that, I hope), and b) sounds like she's using her financial power and the fact that you're a stranger in town to solidify power in the relationship. It also is difficult to face these challenges with no support network of your own. You may have some gender issues that most people do not, but everyone has some sort of unique circumstance.

The good news: You're not alone, and things can get better! This will require some soul searching for what you truly want and the compromises you may need to make to find happiness, but it is there! It may require you to get back into school to find the career path you want, or finding peace in the job you're in and letting the rest of your life be a joy. It may require facing your fiancée and sorting out what you want in life and your marriage, and how you're willing to compromise with each other to get there. It may require you getting out to find your own support network and social circle. It may require something else entirely.

You deserve to be happy, you are worth it. Only you can decide how to do that and to have the patience and determination to help make that happen.

In the meantime, don't be so alone, vent away here and I'm sure folks will talk about it with you.

[Tamsin Secret]

Monica,

Your not alone. A lot of us on here feel you. Not least myself. Our stories and paths are not the same but the feelings of loneliness are.

Keep strong.

Tammy

[Helen_Highwater]

Monica,

Starting a committed relationship with money issues rearing it's ugly head isn't a promising way to begin. It's one of the biggest causes of marital breakup so you may need to botyom tbat out earlier rather than later.

Job fulfillment is something we all hope for but I would be wary of thinking the grass us greener over there. Jobs such as teaching can be rewarding emotionally but it can also be immensely stressful, plus from what I see on the TV news, isn't that financially rewarding.

It seems you are at a crossroads in your life. You have to decide just how much your dressing means to you and whether or not you can live your life without it.

I don't want to be the catalyst that ends your relationship but now is the time to really assess where it is you're going in life. Should your marriage fail due to dressing then you're going to find yourself far more isolated than you are now. Not to mention financially worse off.

Now is the time for some soul searching. Hard choices may need to be made.

[SaraLin]

Monica,

Before you go ANY further in your relationship, the two of you need to have a serious talk. something along the line of:
"I love you, and want to marry you, but this is me - and if you can't allow me to be who I really am, then we have a big problem and probably need to either get help (counselling) or go our separate ways."
Otherwise, one or the other of you is going to suffer, perhaps both, but mostly you.

From what I can gather from your posting, there are already enough red flags (non-acceptance, income-shaming, perhaps even isolating you from your friends and family?) to worry me about your chances of a happily-ever-after with her.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck

[Alyssa Lane]

Being so young, fallow your dreams so to speak, she will probably not be ever accepting, so you would need to be happy at that or honestly move on. Im not much older, same situation, but don’t get married just yet until you have this all figured out 100% where everyone is comfortable. If not it would end badly.

[Denise S]

I can understand your loneliness, it will only get worse as the years move on. I can’t tell you what to do since, I don’t know you or your Fiancé, but you need to have a deep talk with your girlfriend and try to figure this out. If it can’t you will have to look at yourself and figure out if your happy. If you plan on fighting your crossdressing desires, you will eventually lose. I feel so bad for you. Big Hug

[Sherrii]

Monica,
The others have given you such good advise that I can't think of anything to add except it would seem you need something in addition to CDing as an interest/hobby. Something you like to do and you get satisfaction form doing. Very few are lucky enough to get this completely from work. Work is work, there will always be some things you don't like about almost any job. I don't know where in Texas you are and how the weather is for outside activities, but do you like to be outside? Hiking/walking? Bicycling- road or mountain? Kayaking? Canoe? What about wood or metal working? Collecting of some sort? There are many others. Maybe you already have an interest you could develop. Anything but sitting home board and watching TV. But listen to what everyone else has said here, as I said, I think you have some good advise here. And come back here to "Talk" too. Sherrii

[phili]

Monica,
You are getting loads of good advice from everyone here, and it is all correct- and I think you know that.

So head over to the nearest counselor immediately and start talking about why you have chosen away from your actual desires in every respect.

Clue- psychologists have defined a 'reaction formation' as an effort to mute one's true feelings and desires by advocating/doing/pretending 100% the opposite. Like two vectors that cancel each other, it makes our true desires feel like zero, and, as you can see, our life feels like zero as well. When we follow our true vector, we feel alive instead!

Second clue- you fall squarely into the group of millions of people who do not identify with their assigned gender. It is real, valid, happened for a reason, and it doesn't go away. And it creates an existential crisis [exactly what you are feeling] when we try to bury it.

[Miss V]

If someone doesn't accept you for what you are, they don't really love you.

Sorry to be a downer, but it's true. You'll waste your life hiding and regret it when you are older.

[Beverley Sims]

Monica,

You don't have to feel lonely here, we are all good listeners and have all had a fit of the blues at sometime or other.

I always say things could be worse, at least it's not raining. :-)

Others have been through what you have and have posted very good advice.

Keep talking, you are not wasting anyone's time as we all do want to see you happy as we have done many times before with others.

Keep your chin up and do let us know how you progress.

[Di]

GG here -
And I am also telling you to postpone this wedding. Life is too short and I feel everyone needs to be loved unconditionally. I am guessing you either never told her or she does not approve and until you get this sorted you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. It will not go away and please do not take this any further......before there are children, houses and ties that bond even further . Set this straight for the both of you......as hard as that will be it will be a lot worse in the long run.

[alwayshave]

Monica, my ex-wife was manipulative and demanding. That is why she is my ex-wife.

[Shelly Preston]

Monica

I agree with other when they say postpone the wedding.

You can always get married later if you sort things between you.

Starting a marriage under these conditions is not a good idea.

[Judy-Somthing]

My wife saw me dress a bunch of times on Halloween but never knew I was an actual CDer.
After I got married I dressed now and then in secret and when the children came the Pink Fog faded away.
I found having children and talking care of them to be very cool.
Now that they are all grown up and have moved out the Pink Fog has come back pretty strong at times.
I told my wife two years ago and she finds it unacceptable, so I've been sneaking my dressing and I don't feel good about it.

She makes comments almost every day about how bad CDing is. this morning she said "people only keep secrets when they know what they are doing is wrong"

Well good luck.

[Stephanie47]

I perused the comments. I also looked at you previous posts. You do make an attractive woman.

I have to agree with the others. There is a rocky road on the horizon for you. I am disturbed by your comment that you "haven't been allowed to dress for a long time." And, "To her it's unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016." I am assuming she is aware of your desires to wear women's clothing. If she is suppressing your needs this is a bad sign. Forever during this sort of marriage there is trouble on the horizon. Marriage is a series of compromises. If you are not 'allowed' to be yourself how long do you expect to be able to adhere to her restrictions before you sneak behind her back. I can understand a wife does not want to participate, but, should a wife dictate everything you do. Where's the compromise?

As pointed out by others if a spouse in a marriage is going to point out perceived inadequacies as to income that is troubling. To make an issue of this before marriage is another sign of troubled waters ahead. Frankly, I think you're too young to get married. You are indicating you would like to be in a different field. Something more fulfilling. How does your fiancee feel about that? Is she willing to let you try to obtain that goal? After all, that would mean time and money that may interfere with her plans.

I can understand a lack of friends when moving to a new city. My wife moved to NYC and went through that struggle for awhile. When we relocated to her home town I went through that struggle. Those are temporary issues.

A restrictive spouse and a spouse who is controlling is a long term issue. With your acknowledgement of her views and her negative opinions I wonder what you see in her?

This is troubling.

[Lisa516]

Run for your life an get as far away from her as possible she will never change and only get worse and you'll turn around at 50 and wonder what happened. You have the power. You have the choice to stay the way you are or change it....... I'd be changing it quickly...

Lisa

[Micki_Finn]

I have grave concerns for your relationship and believe it or not, it has nothing to do with the dressing. The number one reason couples divorce is over money, and it sounds like you’re already having issues on that front. You seem acutely aware that you’re financial contribution to the wedding is not up to par. Is that your own anxiety or is it something she brings up in a negative light? You say she brings up the fact that she makes more than you. You also talk about how unhappy you are in your job. Is it possible that she’s bringing up the salary thing to maybe motivate you towards ambition and to get you to get into a field you enjoy? If she’s just holding it against you and using it as a means of gaining the upper hand in the relationship, that’s a bad sign.

[kimdl93]

A lot going on here.if you feel stuck, career wise, then I’d advise looking into on line classes from public universities. Perhaps you can identify a course of study that helps you in the direction of your interests.

on the personal side, it seems your fiancé is aware and disapproves. You seem to have two choices, as does she. I hope the two of you can reach a lasting accommodation of each other’s needs.

[docrobbysherry]

Monica, no one can tell u how to live your life. Nor should they! In the end, only one person can tell u what to do. U!:thumbsup:

But, at age 75 I CAN tell u this. I know countless people my age that go on forever about, "woulda, shoulda, coulda". And, they were at that place in life you're at where they mostly made their mistakes!:straightface:

Do what u NEED to do. As long as you're sure it's what u WANT to do in the long run!:thumbsup:

After awhile it gets easy to tell if what you're doing is rite. U can tell because you'll be happy!:D

[Aunt Kelly]

Monica,
Make more money.

Or find a partner who values you for things other than your income.

Or both.

[RebeccaV]

Monica

A truly rough situation that no one wants to go through it. There have been a ton of good advice from our older fellows. As someone close to your age my advice is simple: put yourself first. We have so much of our lives ahead of us and if you are miserable now it will only make it worse. Put yourself first. I know so many people say the key to a relationship is communication and balance but there are times you have to put yourself first. Your own happiness should not be squashed to appease someone else. Doesn't matter if it's a girlfriend/fiance, parents kids, priest: you are the most important character of your story.

No one can make it this choice only you have that power. Definitely get outside professional advice.

Or ignore us and just plow your own path. Grab life by the horns. I hope this wasn't a incoherent ramble.

Good luck!!

[CynthiaD]

A line I hear a lot: put your own mask on first. Then you’ll be in a position to help others. You hear this every time you fly. It’s true in life as well. If you’re in a situation that makes you unhappy, get out of it. Do something that makes you happy. Then you’ll be in a position to make others happy.

[Eemz]

Monica - this relationship sounds emotionally abusive to me, CD or not. I know; I was in a relationship like that for 9 years. I know we're only able to judge based on the information you posted, but isolation, using money as a lever, attacks on your self-esteem, those are all bad things.

Please help yourself by working through a checklist like https://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_quiz.htm and see what it tells you. There are many others online. It was a checklist like this that first opened my eyes. They're mostly designed for women, so swap husband for wife, he for she and so on. All of this applies *just as much* the other way around.

[Faith Noel]

I agree with all the others here, put your cards on the table. If you are in doubt about this working out, I hate to say it but you might want get out now. Trust me after25 years of hiding and being miserable. Hupe you find happiness. Hugs Faith

[Alaina R]

The feedback here is pretty consistent and all makes sense. I'm wondering about motivations. At 25, you may feel like it's time to be set on your path with a wife, job, etc.; it can make you feel like an adult. Maybe it also makes your parents and/or friends happy. Perhaps you feel like you've already committed and it is too late to stop with marriage dates set, arrangements made and money spent. I'm wondering these things because I'm trying to figure out why you are planning on marrying at this time given the feelings expressed in your post. At your age, outside forces are often primary motivators as you have not lived enough to understand that it is the inside motivators that really count. Your adult life is just starting. Better to explore and learn more about yourself than to get tied up in a marriage that has you miserable even before it has begun. Getting married will not solve the problems, it'll make them worse. If you feel unhappy now, that is a really really bad sign Listen, there is no nirvana, life always has trade offs. If this sounded just like last second cold feet, I would be far more encouraging. Unfortunately, this sounds like a disaster in the making - for both you and your fiance.

[Diane Smith]

I cannot add much to the excellent observations of the others here. I see too many red flags to believe this relationship will be successful and satisfying for you in the long run. Difficult as it may be, ending it now will be far easier than after there are marriage vows, co-mingled finances and possibly children in the picture. A good counselor may help you see your way through this.

- Diane

[MonicaGirly]

Wow I’ve gotten so much advice and support here it feels really good to get it out I wish I could reply to all of you but there’s so many.

For context I told her about my dressing after one year of dating. At first it was don’t ask don’t tell, and then the next year she found some selfies and forced me to purge everything.we spent three years long distance and have lived together for a year and a half now. Now she gets really negative and makes rude general comments anytime anything on tv or media mentions things like drag or cding. It’s an “absolutely don’t speak about it” topic. There’s a lot of other things that are good about the relationship. We laugh together and we travel together. We have fun and I know she loves me and my family, and Despite the fighting and differences I love her and her family too. Alaina R hit the nail on the head with her post on all of the stuff already being set and paid and what not (August).
Sherii mentioned that I should find a hobby, and the thing is I’ve tried that. I’ve tried getting into things to fill the void but nothing does the trick. I’ve gotten super into watchin sailing Vlogs, I got really into philosophy, I got really into fitness( which was counter intuitive and its own story in and of itself)and right now I’m really into motorcycles. No matter what I try and hyper focus in on nothing is filling the void or taking the spot that cross dressing did. It was just something that was relaxing and made me happy.
Sometimes we’ll be at the store and I can’t help but look at all the shoes(my favorite things to wear) and see if they have my size in anything. I think wearing heels is one of the things I miss the most.

I know I have a lot to think about, but it really makes me feel good to know I have y’all here to talk to. Thank you for all of the wonderful replies and Thanks for reading, I know I have a bad habit of rambling.

[Ineke Vashon]

...."forced me to purge" and "rude general comments". Do you want to hear those continuously in your marriage? You can be alone without being lonely. But I wouldn't hang on to someone just to not be alone. You are young and in the prime of life.
Embrace it.

Ineke

[Alice Torn]

I can sure relate to loneliness, and not having any friends nearby. I am 64, still single, no dating life, no guy friends even, no nice relatives even. Every lady i was interested in, had bad things to say about men who dress up. Not one was ok with it. I have never lived with a girlfriend either. I don't think you can crossdress and have marriage too with her. It gets stronger as we age, too. i try to suppress, and quit, and not dress for long periods, and purged 15 months go 99%, praying and working to not dress agian ever, for religious and social reasons, but i now have three dresses, and one pair of heels and a wig again, and undr things, pantyhose, but i keep it al in a box most all the time. The desire can wane for a whil , and i try to replace dressing with fishing, walking, sports, spiritual reading and prayer, and serving others, but am really a lonely isolated loner, in spite of it. i see couples and families all over, and feel very sad, that i never had that. I hope you will write your fiance' a long heartfelt letter, telling her you want her and love her, but cannot completely stop dressing, before the marriage. Being married to someone who condemns it, will eventually not work, and divorce can be the result. I have always been working poor poverty level, so women reject me , because i don't earn much, despite i give it 150% in the jobs and work i have done, blood, sweat and tears. I have three cats who are my friends now, and peace. Although it would be so welcome to have a dating life or wife, if there was an odd, unusually tolerant lady, i can see where i would have been divorced, if i had married the ladies i wanted. Single is lonesome, but a toxic embattled marriage is much worse. My parents were at war all the time, and it really messed me, and all my siblings up bad. All of us are single seniors, with no SO's. But again, peace in singleness, is preferrable to constant war in a relationship or marriage. Consider all.

[char GG]

The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, don’t know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.

Hi Monica,
Others have given you very good advice, specifically related to dressing and your fiance. You will have to make your own decisions on if and when you decide to marry and whether or not you want to keep your dressing under the radar.

This quote from you caught my attention. I don't know if you have finished college but it sounds to me like you need to focus a bit more on maybe more schooling, finding a different job, or outside activity that would fulfill your educational, social, and creative needs. It may go a long way to making you feel better. It is easier to change careers or make a physical move before marriage and/or family obligations. Just from what you have shared, you may end up making more money, or at least be happier if your day to day work life was more stimulating and to your liking.

I focused on this because I have mentioned in the past that I have a FtM godson who focused his time and money on his transition but is very unhappy because he is now in his early 30's and has a dead end job and works a second job to meet his financial obligations. So now his gender fits his mind but his life is still not as he envisions due to the money, inadequate post high school education, (and lack of relationship) situation.

You have a lot to think about. I hope you find your passion!!!! I wish you all the happiness.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Monica - Run, do not walk to the nearest relationship exit. You are setting yourself up for a LOT of future pain and misery. Uproot yourself and Move to the a large BIG City. Ney York, San Francisco, LA, Washington DC and spread your wings. The Economy is good for finding a job in accounting, After you move go back to school and study something you are passionate about. In the large cities you will find community support for TG/CD. And you will probably find some one who is more understanding.

List 5 reasons to NOT leave this relationship ?
List 5 reasons to NOT make a move to find support you crave.

A canceled wedding is cheaper then a future life and misery that will probably end in divorce anyway.

[Patricia_Campi]

Trust me on this one, you feel this way, because your fiancee doesn´t let you be who you are. I know that because I had not only one, but 2 relationships like that!

I just got married when I found someone who let me be who I am! She doesn´t like my crossdressig (but try hard to understand it) but at the same time she has a lot of good things that overcome everything that could bother me.

You have a whole life ahead of you, and believe me, she is not the only woman in the world! You will find a lot more in your journey. So, for your own sake, leave her. Yeah, it looks hard, but like yourself, be yourself, be the person you want to be first, and then, only then, allow someone to get in your life.

Kisses

Patricia

[Tracii G]

I saw the words forced you to purge and rude comments so things like that make me sick.
Who is she to demand you do anything? Would she stand for you to demand things of her and make rude comments? of course not she would raise hell.
You aren't married and even then she has no right to demand you do anything.
Just getting married will not fix any of this and after marriage it only gets worse with the demanding,I have been thru two marriages so trust me when I tell you this she thinks she runs your life now IT WILL be worse after marriage.

Get a move on and find yourself first then a mate after that.
Don't just settle for what is convenient at the present time because there are good women out there that will let you be you whatever "you" is.

[Roxanne Lanyon]

You go, Traci Girl! You are so right! Thank the Lord I am divorced, in that respect! I can be Roxanne anytime I want to, and I sincerely love it!
Roxanne Lanyon

[Tracii G]

My two marriages went to hell in a hand basket and I know a lot about how women abuse men.
I got to the point where I stopped being the patsy or taking their abuse.
Really glad I got out of those relationships and I hate to see young guys fall into that trap and get used like that.
Its just so unfair when they are actually trying to do the right thing.

[Jenny22]

Monica, leave the relationship NOW. Patricia Campi's remarks and those of others are spot on! Love will not cure all! Too many of your sisters here have become miserable in their lives thinking that. You are young. Truer, understanding love will come in time. She is seriously controlling, now, and it will become worse once married.

[Alice B]

You are young and you have a lifetime of choices ahead. The one you are about to enter does not appear to be thr correct one. Take a big step back, be honest with yourself and where you are and then make the choice. It is your life, not that of someone else

[stefjones13]

Do what you have to go make yourself happy. Live your life for yourself and find what makes you happy That doesn't mean leave her, it means that a serious discussion should occur. If she loves you shyhen the two of you might be able to work it out but...don't "try" to be the man she wants you to be. If she can't accept you as you are then she doesn't love you enough. There is someone out there that will love you just the way you are

[GingerCarter]

I so badly crave a cd friend in real life around my age to help with the relating to what I’m going thru or have gone thru. Sometimes even with my family I feel no one understands, when the truth is I don’t always understand myself

[Helen_Highwater]

Monica


We laugh together and we travel together. We have fun and I know she loves me and my family, and Despite the fighting and differences I love her and her family too.

You've brought another dimension into consideration, her family. Okay, you discuss things and come to an amicable arrangement. How do you think her family are going to take it? Are you going to have to keep it hidden from them. What happens if you have a blazing row, she storms off to mom and she outs you in a fit of temper?



Alaina R hit the nail on the head with her post on all of the stuff already being set and paid and what not (August).


August is a little over 6 months away. While you can't always cancel stuff without paying some penalty, this far in advance you'll stand a better chance than when it's 6 weeks away.

If you're going to have that discussion and secure an agreement that needs to be sooner rather than later. If you then decide on the outcome of those discussions make a break of it, now is the time to do it. Leaving things to drift will only make it more difficult in the long run.

[LeannS]

Monica please don'r feel sorry for letting us know how you feel. Your sisters so to speak are here to give advice and listen.
and here is my 2 cents I have come to realize that you should enjoy or love to be in the job your in (make life much easier) if your not find something that YOU enjoy you mentioned college go back and find you and what you want. Forget her if she can't get past what you make it is a bad sign. Please runaway from this it will only get worse the longer you are in this relationship. Oh it will end in a DIVORCE and if it does it does get expensive quick and not only for her think of the child support for the kids. Think about it the ball is YOUR court and its your serve. She is not the one for you!! you think you argue now wait it will get worse.
Wish you the best Leann

[Diane Taylor]

Monica.....if you feel lonely now, you'll feel even more lonely if you're trapped in marriage where your wife is against your crossdressing. Think long and hard about that before you jump into a bad situation.

Friends are another issue too. If they don't accept you, they're not really a friend. Maybe you could/should use your energy to find other CD'ers so that you'd have people to talk to who share your interests. AND...….like many others here have said....we're here for you to talk to.

[ReineD]

If you can channel all the energy you're putting into feeling lonely, unfulfilled, and frustrated into picking just one thing that fulfills you and then begin to take concrete steps towards realizing it, then you'll gain enough self-confidence to find the time to dress or to talk to your fiancée about your needs. You might want to look at grad school, or choosing a different career path and figuring out what you need to do to get into it. As you do this, you will be making your own friends with people who share your interests.

Please don't marry your fiancée until you are happier with yourself. And the only person who can accomplish this is you.


Re your fiancée forcing you to purge everything: sorry but you need to develop a backbone. If you don't speak up for yourself and learn to negotiate with her, you will never have an equal relationship. Fix everything else in your life that is making you feel unfulfilled and as mentioned above, this will give you enough confidence to either negotiate with your fiancée or leave the relationship.

[Emily Occasionally]

I work a job in a field I didn’t study making 40k. She makes more. It shouldn’t bother me, but she brings it up often enough and the fact that my wedding contributions aren’t up to par are blatantly obvious. The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, don’t know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.

Dressing gave me a creative outlet. I was passionate about it. The effort I put into “passing” (even though I never really did) was something I would pour so much work and heart into that it gave me joy. It gave me something to get lost in and I loved it. I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint. Only I was the canvas and blush was my paint.

The worst part is I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I’m so isolated. I’m in a new town with no friends, except my fiancées friends, but they don’t really count for this kind of thing, and coworkers I guess. I have so many emotions and feelings about my inner/past CD self and if I’m being honest some gender dysphoria and it’s all just moving so fast and I just wish for the love of goodness that my fiancée could understand, but she can’t and won’t. To her it’s unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016.

For context I told her about my dressing after one year of dating. At first it was don’t ask don’t tell, and then the next year she found some selfies and forced me to purge everything.we spent three years long distance and have lived together for a year and a half now. Now she gets really negative and makes rude general comments anytime anything on tv or media mentions things like drag or cding. It’s an “absolutely don’t speak about it” topic. There’s a lot of other things that are good about the relationship. We laugh together and we travel together. We have fun and I know she loves me and my family, and Despite the fighting and differences I love her and her family too.

Sherii mentioned that I should find a hobby, and the thing is I’ve tried that. I’ve tried getting into things to fill the void but nothing does the trick. I’ve gotten super into watchin sailing Vlogs, I got really into philosophy, I got really into fitness( which was counter intuitive and its own story in and of itself)and right now I’m really into motorcycles. No matter what I try and hyper focus in on nothing is filling the void or taking the spot that cross dressing did. It was just something that was relaxing and made me happy.
Sometimes we’ll be at the store and I can’t help but look at all the shoes(my favorite things to wear) and see if they have my size in anything. I think wearing heels is one of the things I miss the most.



First of all...even without CDing in the mix no one should dump on anyone else for making less money than they are. Unless you want her to lord this over you for the rest of your life you need to tell her how it makes you feel when she talks about that kind of thing. If you are doing your best to contribute to your household, then she should have nothing to complain about. Maybe she is trying to encourage you in her own way to get a job you like better...maybe her statements are an attempt to push you in a direction that you might like better...but she needs to know that her methods are making you feel bad about yourself if that is what she is trying to do.

Secondly, the way you describe your dressing, "I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint," how it was (and could be again) a creative outlet for you. The way you gush about your passion for it...that she would deny you that joy and light in your life is a huge red flag. Maybe she doesn't understand how much it meant to you but it sounds like she would deny it to you or mock you or deride you even if she did understand. She won't even discuss it with you. You might love her and the time you spend with her but if she makes you feel bad about something that gives you such joy (and isn't a criminal activity) then you have to seriously consider what it is that makes you happy. I mean just look at how you talk about your CDing and compare that to how you view your life now without it.

It also doesn't sound like she is willing to make compromises in her own life. You say you can't talk about CDing but then when something about it comes on TV suddenly she has all kinds of (nasty) things to say about CDing. That's very curious to me. It's not a subject that you can bring up but if she wants to make snide comments then it's ok. I'm guessing there are other topics that are like this as well. Is there a particular reason why she is against CDing and forced a purge after finding a few selfies?

You should see a social worker or some kind of councilor about all this for sure. Maybe she doesn't actually understand what CDing is and that it doesn't mean she's in 2nd place or something. That there's no need to be jealous or whatever. A 3rd party like a social worker or councilor would be able to help with that.

[Sherrii]

Monica, refering to your post no. 29 I didn't mean you should find a hobby or activity to replace CDing, but as another thing you enjoy and would give you pleasure and satisfaction. I certainly didn't mean to give up CDing, that usually doesn't work. Many of us have tried and it usually comes back after a time. The best would be able to CD, (even partially), while doing another interest. Sherrii

- - - Updated - - -

Monica, I have been reviewing some of the posts and have two comments to add. You want to avoid divorce if possible it can be costly in $$$ and mentally. The other one is about jobs. Many, if not most, folks do not have the "dream job" they love going to each day. Even those who are lucky enough to have jobs they like will find things from time to time they hate. That's why it is important to have other interests you can get real enjoyment and satisfaction from where you are "the boss" and can do what you want when you want. And another comment, I don't think you have gotten one bit of bad advise in this whole thread. I wish you luck and hope things turn out for the best for you. From the number of replies you have received it is clear that a lot of folks care. Sherrii

[Alice Torn]

Fishing has been my favorite hobby, and even more so than dressup. I also like bicycling and shooting basketball. CDing was making me more of a loner even than i am. I need to be more balanced. But the desire to dress up to the nines as a pretty women never fully goes away. I hope you have done some soul searching about possible being married to that woman who will not allow it.

[Alexis00]

Is there a possibility you and your fiancee could go to counselling and work things out?

A concern would be she seems to be making ultimatums. Hard to sustain a relationship when everything comes down to "My way or the highway."

[Jill_cd]

Oh, Monica, you definitely should consider postponing this marriage. Trust me on this one.

I second this! I was in the same boat. I wasn't earning as much as my ex-wife and I tried everything to make up for it, I was the laundry boy, landscaper. I did pretty much ALL the housework. It didn't work. The ex found a boyfriend, a doctor, who made quite a bit more than me. Eventually, the ex used my dressing as rationale to cheat and ask for a divorce. Ironically enough, the doctor dumped her. But, she found some other poor guy she eventually married.
The point is, this feeling will never go away. As the late, great Joe Lewis once said, "You only go around once in life, but if you time it right. Once is enough."

Jill