Revealing to wife

[JulesLynne]

OK, this question isn’t about “how do I tell my wife I’m a CD?” I’ve already crossed that bridge and thankfully have a very understanding and supportive wife. Seriously she’s amazing.

I’ve been going through a little bit of therapy which has helped me gather my thoughts and go deeper into my CD wishes. We started this conversation about a year ago, but then things got kinda cold and I chose to ignore it and be happy that my wife was supportive with “Man in a dress at home when kids aren’t around.” I wanted to take it slow, but zero progress over a year made me realize that I really want more.

As of now, she’s OK with me going to Keystone in March and even expressed a lot of interest in attending. We have much to talk about, but one area in which I’m looking for advice is “How do I best reveal my full made-up, breastforms and hip pad wearing, wig wearing, and hopefully not hideous self to her?

We are both nervous about how we will both react. Some options:
1. Get a makeover and reveal myself in person
2. Get a makeover and allow her to sit in as I get transformed
3. Have her give me a makeover
4. Get a makeover and show her the pictures afterwards

Any suggestions? I have zero makeup skills, my wife is a gorgeous babe who could sell makeup, but she’s never made up a CD before. I’m thinking that #4 might be the least shocking and give her time to look at things by herself without me around.

Has anyone crossed this bridge before? Do we jump all in (Option 1), or do we ease into the pool more slowly and methodically?
Thank you,
Lynne

[Jaylyn]

I can only say that you have to make the decisions as to what you will do, besides you know your wife the best. I can say that my wife actually thought it was great that I included her in my desires to dress. She helped me get into it and as soon as I got serious she went into a completely different mode a DADT type of situation. At one time she helped me with my makeup and when she sold an eye lash mascara and eye liner brand she actually practiced on my lashes and brows. She even bought Jaylyn Christmas n Birthday gifts and at one time would ask me in stores when she bought makeup she would ask if Jaylyn needed any? The best was at Lane Bryant as she was shopping for bras, she found that they were having a sale buy one at regular price n get the second at half price. Jaylyn got the second one for both bras she bought.
As I say you are the only one that can answer your question. I wish my wife would attend something like Keystone or Vegas one day and help me dress and get back to where we were at one time. Good luck in your decision.

[docrobbysherry]

My 2 cents: Your loving SO will recognize her man best if u wear NO MAKEUP! Let her suggest or apply what she thinks will look best on u. This will also bring her on board as a collaborator!:thumbsup:

Instead of blasting her with an outsider's idea of how u should look!:brolleyes:

[kimdl93]

Go with three. Play with it, make it fun!

[Aunt Kelly]

I kinda like Doc's idea. If you can, get her involved in the transformation and avoid that shocking reveal. Keystone would be a great opportunity for that, but getting her to help at home or accompany you for a professional makeover might work too.

[Alice B]

I think having her sit in during a makeoverallows her to participate and see the transformation

[Samantha Clark]

This is a really tough one, and only you and your wife can answer it. I can only say that my wife still doesn’t want to see Samantha but she has said that if and when she is ready to do so, she thinks it would be easier to see me transform rather than have Samantha just appear.

[Rochal Tukque]

You got to go in to this with a real since of humor have fun. Remember it all comes off dear. The first time my wife did my makeup I looked like Raw The Sun God. OMG it was hilarious totally because that is how she saw me. I think you will find down the road you will have to learn and develop you own style because you can't always get someone else to work on you including your wife. But in the mean time you two have fun. It will be a bonding experience the you will never forget and most men will never have.

[Christina Page]

I also agree with docrobbysherry. If your wife is good with makeup, and she's willing, then get her involved in your makeover.

The first time that I went out crossdressed in public with my wife (Halloween 2014), she did my makeup. It was a bonding experience. Being Halloween everybody was cool with xdressing. That night was a super fun time that we'll never forget.

[Sandra]

GG chiming in here :)

Sit and talk to her and ask her if she'd could help you with makeup, don't be to serious about it have some fun together.

[MoGG]

“How do I best reveal my... hopefully not hideous self to her?


I wouldn’t worry about whether you look hideous, at least from her point of view. While some women come to appreciate an amazing effort, I’ve never heard a GG care about how much a cross-dresser met conventional standards of feminine beauty. We tend to be much more worried about how pornified they look! Aim for elegance, not prettiness, and let her help.

[Helen_Highwater]

Lynne,

March would seem to be the ideal opportunity. If you both attend Keystone your wife will have the opportunity to see other CD'ers and therefore know what to expect of your presentation.

Does she know you have forms, hip padding wig, etc? If not will she baulk at finding out you've already gone that far?

Asking for her help with makeup, even outfits is a good way to help her feel she is involved and has some control in the situation.

MoGG's point about not looking like a porn star, more an average GG, is a good one. I'd say also avoid drag queen.

[mykell]

lynne,
as good as keystone is at showing our numbers it is also a representation of the varied styles and reasons we dress,
so you will both see some over the top styles as well as sexy styles ,
some will have you questioning if they are women or man and everything in between.

as a peer, my wife knows and does not paticipate or want to see "it",
i personnally would be most comfortable with #4, for myself as well as my wife,
she is a beautiful person but has no makeup skills and never relies on it so #3 is not an option

why dont you just ask her which she would be most comfortable with...?

[Beverley Sims]

I would go with three if your wife is agreeable, this is a good way to start.

The other three involve third parties and why use them if your wife is on board already.

Yes.... Both go to Keystone.

[Krisi]

You seem hung up on this "makeover" thing. I don't think springing the fully made up you on her is a good idea. Introducing her to your feminine look slowly and gradually seems like a better idea to me. Of the choices you presented, I would ask her to do your makeup. But don't wait until the last minute, start dressing around her now so she will feel comfortable with you as a woman.

[Jillian Faith]

The ice between my wife an I really broke when we did #2.

[alwayshave]

Lynne, I would not have a makeover and do a big reveal, it may be to surprising.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I would go for option 2. You would end up looking good, and she would see her man slowly transform.

[Lux]

First of all, kudos for you for reaching out to the forum for advice.
I’m reading this post laying in bed next to my supportive wife. We talked about it and she immediately said that maybe you were moving a little too fast. She definitely emphasized that you need to go to her and ask her what she is comfortable with.

Some history. When I first disclosed my cross dressing to my wife when we were dating, I really wanted to dress up for her and have this great reveal. She thought about it and nicely asked that she watch me transform. I think she needed to have it happen slow and controlled...if that makes sense. She also now admits that there was no way she could have done my make up having zero experience with the male face (beard cover, thicker foundation, countering, etc). Maybe 6 months later she was by my side when Jaime of Austin’s Angels (RIP) gave me a professional make over at the SCC meeting. Again, her idea and at her pace.

The bottom line: everyone has different comfort levels and move at different speeds. talk to her.
Good luck :)

[Micki_Finn]

If your wife is supportive and amazing, why aren’t you asking this of her?

[JulesLynne]

First, thank you to everyone - some great perspectives here! Everyone’s inputs helped me wrap my head around having this conversation with her. We had a great conversation and were open about our goals and fears. I laid out some suggestions ranging from #1 (rip the bandaid off and surprise the hell out of everyone) to. #4. After talking it over with her and letting her know that she deserves to control the pacing of the eventual reveal, she opted to do my makeup while I’m just dressed in male mode... then she threw out a bit of an unsuspected curve ball. I’m a slightly different skin tone compared to her and she said that her foundation won’t work on me. She doesn’t want me using cheap makeup, so it was her suggestion that we go to MAC together to get matched to a foundation, powder, and concealer. She even had 6 empty MAC bottles that she exchanged for a lipstick - for me!

I never in a million years thought I’d walk into a MAC store dressed as a guy and ask about getting makeup for me. The sales associate didn’t even flinch and went right to work getting me matched. My wife stood by my side, critiqued some of the colors, and made sure we got a good match. Then she picked out several lipsticks based on the colors that she knows I like on her. We both had a great time and it was surprisingly not stressful for either of us. We kinda bonded as BFFs today and it was magical.

I know that a SO’s acceptance isn’t just a binary scale of 0 to 1. It’s a dynamic thing that changes from day to day as she and I both process this. But so far she has exceeded my expectations by a million and has been helping me feel more comfortable about this aspect of myself.

I’ll keep you updated. Please keep the comments coming as they really do help me refine my own thoughts and think about things from other perspectives!

[Sometimes Steffi]

There was a time when I could never imaging going into a MAC store for makeup for me, An Ulta store, but not a MAC store.

MAC is a very supportive place.

The first time I went there, I went for a makeup lesson. I was in girl mode, except for makeup. I had scheduled the makeup lesson in the secret back room.

The next time I went there, I was in full girl mode. I asked for a mini eye makeover. I sat in the big girls chair, right in front of everyone.

[Macey]

Good on you! Take it slow for a bit, let you and herself ease into it at your own paces … you're off to a great start!

[Keira Bea]

Wow, you definitely seem to have a keeper there. I was going to say option 3 too. Bringing your SO to make her feel a part of it is definitely the right path, that way it gives a her a little control over an unusual situation she might have been more uncomfortable about if you shut her out of any decisions on how you look. Well done you.

[JulesLynne]

Well... we had a couple of great leaps forward and now going back. This rollercoaster is tiring to say the least, and it’s fair to say that my wife is equally frustrated. For some reason my wife opted to no longer support any of this. She’s not saying much either, so for now it’s back into the closet I go. It’s just so strange - less than a week ago she took me to MAC and we both genuinely had a great time. Today she’s disgusted by the idea of me being anything but a lumberjack.

Any advice out there?

[ambigendrous]

Time to start singing the Lumberjack Song!

[Stephanie47]

So within a week she has done a 180 of the adventure. I am not surprised. To me she is trying to reconcile cross dressing with the man she married. That's hard thing to do. It appears she was inching along trying to accept your cross dressing because she loves you. It's one thing to have knowledge the husband wears women's clothing when alone and in private, and, it's another to have him appear all dolled up. Before your latest update I was going to suggest you just appear wearing women's clothing with padding and padded bra and leave the makeup for later....wig too. Perhaps she would see it is "just clothes." However, that is usually insufficient for the guy because he feels he wants the total experience because it is NOT "just clothes." It is a mind set. And, that is where we get in trouble. We're asking a woman to change her perception of her man.

Is there anything in this for her? Other than seeing her husband wearing women's clothing, makeup, wig and padding? Does she want to live with a pseudo woman? In my mind that is the big difference between a man being transformed into a woman on Halloween and adopting a lifestyle change. I read an article in a woman's magazine which indicated wives form a mental image of their husbands as a woman even though they have not seen him dressed as a woman. For many the thought is a complete turn off.

My wife wants nothing to do with Stephanie. Decades ago I tried for more acceptance. All I wanted was panties for my birthday. Well, panties were linked to the entire cross dressing "thing." I think a woman is more apt to accept her husband wearing women's panties as a fetish which is different than a full transformation. Maybe the same with sleeping in a woman's nightgown and nothing further. Again, a fetish. Before my wife and I had "The Talk" when our daughter yanked a bra out of my storage box I did on occasion where women's nylon gowns to bed. We even shopped together for my peignoir and nylon gowns. She even bought me hosiery and a garter belt. However, all that acceptance went out the window when it became linked to "pretending" to be a woman. She said if she wanted to be married to a woman, she would have married a woman.

I sort of figured at the time my insistence was nothing less than mental spousal abuse. So, the outcome. Stephanie comes out to express herself when her wife is away for the day. Sometimes it is seven hours when she is at work. Next week she will be visiting her cousin out of state. She knows Stephanie will be around for an entire week. Would I like to have her fully accept my interests? Sure. However, I have to accept her declination because that is her preference.