Coming out?

[Alexandra Collins]

I'm still new to this forum, and this is the first "serious" thread I've started. So far I've found the forum to be very helpful in terms of information, inspiration and interesting stories!

I've only been dressing for a year, and going outside dressed for 8 months. But I've already met about 20 local CDs, and I'm amazed at some of their stories, in particular how long they've been dressing, and/or how strong the urge to dress must be given the circumstances they find themselves in. I know one who has been dressing 30 years, but their wife doesn't know. I know another who their wife knows, and she is absolutely against it and wants nothing to do with it; this CD is so conflicted, fearful and desperate to dress that it is heart breaking to see their situation. And then there are those in some degree of DADT situation, and even that I find very sad and I assume it could still be very discouraging for the CD.

Anyway, all of this got me to thinking that the situation for so many of us struggling with secrecy or lack of acceptance could be better if as many of us as possible came out to more of the people around us (friends, family and co-workers)? Seems like the more people who realize there are CDs around them, the more general acceptance would grow and the need for secrecy would diminish. I realize this is easier said than done, but I'm thinking if we know someone who we are pretty sure would be OK with it, shouldn't we tell them? I've heard first hand and read online many CDs say that when you go out people will treat you nice, and not bother you, etc. I know this is true, but that doesn't address the ironic fact that so many are "out" to strangers they encounter when they're out, but they're still 100% in the closet when it comes to the people in their lives, even their spouse!

Personally, I am out to my S.O. (she is supportive), my therapist, and some SAs at stores where I buy things I need for CDing. But I'm not out to any of my friends, family or co-workers. But I strongly feel the urge to do so, and I think I'm getting close to the point of telling those I am pretty sure will not react badly. The reason I want to do this is strictly selfish: since CDing has become an important part of my life, I will have more people I can talk to about the thing that is almost always at the forefront of my thinking, instead of only talking about the other things that these people know are a part of my life, but are now mostly much less important to me as compared to CDing. But it seems another benefit of more of us coming out to more people around us, would be the reduction of fear and ignorance, and the need for secrecy and DADT situations.

I'm very curious what others think. Do you think more people coming out will eventually make it better for others? Further, do you feel any responsibility to come out, at least to those who you suspect will react positively?

[Micki_Finn]

Coming out is easier said than done. It’s always a bit shocking who is and who isn’t ok with it. You’ll find that people you thought for sure would be cool will get weirded out, and some of the people you were most fearful of couldn’t care less. And then there is the fact that cross dressers and trans people have no legal protections in many places here in the US as well as abroad. Would you be willing to come out to everyone if you knew your boss could fire you or your landlord could evict you if your secret gets out?

What I’m saying is that it is generally good to come out of the closet, you shouldn’t judge or shame those that don’t, as there can be some very real ramifications for them.

[Maria in heels]

Alexandra..."wouldn't it be nice if there were a reduction of fear and ignorance, and the need for severely and DADT situations", but these are two different and totally separate issues in my eyes.

First and foremost .... in a DADT relationship, it deals with us and our spouse or significant other, and what their wishes are. Blended into that DADT is a need for secrecy because they don't want "anyone to know" what you do behind closed doors. Before you decide on coming out to those around you, please think of your wife ... while she is supportive of Alexandra, that may be a line that she just doesn't want you to cross over, for whatever reason. This is why many of the girls that you have met and described here are in different stages ... from sneaking around behind their significant others backs because the answer is "NO" or they don't know, to restrictions or requests that our significant others make of us.

Also, many will stereotype the situation, and especially if they are friends or neighbors, your wife may get bombarded with that same question that almost most of us get when we first disclosed to our loved one....the "do you like men" question. I'm sure that many wives / girlfriends / significant others think this when they are told or find out inadvertently, and I am guessing that this is one of the scariest things that they must face in the relationship....whether you are really there for them, or just need them to be there when it suits you? My wife is supportive as well, has recently recommended that I attend several meetings and monthly parties without any hesitation, BUT the neighbors can never find out about Maria. Does this make sense...kind of, if you ask me, because I have to put myself in her shoes (wouldn't I love to do that all the time!) and get the "looks" and hear the "whispers" about her husband? Some people may not care at all, while others may decide that its the gossip of the block and we need to make sure that everyone knows. I know for my wife, this is the biggest fear that she has, so I have to respect her wishes. She lets me venture out, only recently, but asks that I leave the house in "boy mode" and return the same way. Now this does make it hard at times, depending on where my plans take me, but I have to respect, as she is respecting me. Let me tell you, its really hard to come home on a night like last Thursday, after getting all dressed up for a bar/club get together and at midnight trying to turn back into the guy that lives next door to you!

And I have to ask you .... does your wife know that Alexandra goes out and meets with others? You've been dressing only for a year and going out for 8 months - well that deserves an applaud as for many of us, especially me, it took many years before I was willing to venture out, and even with my wife finding a place for me to go to, I still was hesitant and scared. If your wife says its fine for you to go out, you are in a better place than many of us...I know girls that I have spoken with over the phone and chatted thru emails and texts over the years that are still sneaking around after all these years, or have the ok at home, but had to promise that they would never venture out. Also, for some, they, like me, wanted to go out, but didn't have the urgency to do it and as the years go by, you just get used to the fact that you only dress at home .....

[Alexandra Collins]

Coming out is easier said than done. It’s always a bit shocking who is and who isn’t ok with it. You’ll find that people you thought for sure would be cool will get weirded out, and some of the people you were most fearful of couldn’t care less. And then there is the fact that cross dressers and trans people have no legal protections in many places here in the US as well as abroad. Would you be willing to come out to everyone if you knew your boss could fire you or your landlord could evict you if your secret gets out?

What I’m saying is that it is generally good to come out of the closet, you shouldn’t judge or shame those that don’t, as there can be some very real ramifications for them.

Micki, you make some very good points, but I am in no way suggesting that I would judge or shame those that don't. I'm just wondering aloud how, over time, it might help some CDs if more of us came out to more people, but fully realizing we can't come out in all cases, to all people.

[AllieSF]

I echo what Micki says. The reasons for staying in the closet, and closet varies in size from once a year nobody know, to out to family and maybe a couple of close trusted friends to all the way out with a devil may attitude. I totally agree that the more out, the more that know and in the long run, maybe not our lifetime, the better for all it will be. Things like need for income and housing as Micki pointed out to just having accepting friends. Many may tolerate but few will truly accept to the point of welcoming one into their home mp matter how they are dressed (i.e. male or female). That is why we mostly find tolerance (not true acceptance) when out but many do not close to home.

My belief is that one should come out when they can, and "can" means when the family will accept or at least tolerate it and income and close friends will not be lost, and one wants to. I always said I didn't need to come out at that time, but I will let time, experience and where I am on that path lead me to when I needed to tell. I was cool with that and then one day I realized that now is the time and over a 4-6 month period came out to all that mattered. Coming out meant at that time telling them that I was trans (transgender) with only additional details if they asked. Since then I have also came out in person or be photos in the physical, "see me" mode.

[Eboni Robinson]

First I must say, Micki OMG your heel collection is amazing! I'm so jealous! :daydreaming: And I think there is another some dressers keep their crossdressing to themselves. It is a just sexual thing, fetish, or kink to some of us. I am a sexual dresser, and I love dressing head to toe. I have ventured out in public many times for attention, but mostly to get comfortable experiencing what life is like dressed like a female. I wouldn't share it with anybody close to me, because it is mostly sexual in nature. I know many people who don't share that kind of business with others. I only dress a few times a year also, I'm comfortable with my male side. I am crossdresser, and I'm proud of it. It just isn't anyone else's business. That's just my opinion and experience. If I ever have a partner, she is going to know before we start and being accepting. I can't be in a DADT relationship. I need full transparency and openness in a relationship. I've seen so many stories on hear that just break my heart.

[Teresa]

Alexandra,
First I don't think it is a selfish act , you are being honest with yourself and attempting to be honest with other people . Hiding or not coming out to some is suggesting we are doing something wrong and maybe even feel ashamed of it .

I feel as you do that the more people that know the easier it is for you and other members of the TG community . I am more and more amazed that the more I come out and talk to people the more they relate stories of family members or close friends who are TG .

I congratulate you on the length of time yoiu have been dressing and how quickly you have been out and about in the RW .

To those who reply saying the wife should be considered when coming out , I'll add a footnote to a wife's reaction .

Although I'm separated from my wife she still isn't making things easy , she expects everyone to side with her and give her sympathy , one friend even suggested that it would be better if I was gay rather than TG . The problem is the net is closing in on her because many have seen me now and they don't have a problem with me as Teresa . She has tried counselling , she suggested it's like a bereavement so now she's telling people I'm dead . I can't help feeling it's better to openly admit to the situation , tell people I'm TG , she would start to get over it better and people wouldn't need to appease and on occasions even lie to her . She is also making it harder for the children to deal with it , they are having to lie to her as are other members of the family .

[Rachael Leigh]

For whatever reason there is still a stigma that comes with cross dressing, I really have yet to find a ligit reason for this but
I think it’s because it comes from what most are exposed to from the media, drag shows and such and comical movies.
Most don’t understand that being a CD or TG is a lifelong part of oneself and not being accepted as just one part of ourselves makes it difficult to tell others. There just isn’t an easy answer to why we are the way we are because it’s different for many. For me I know being somewhat in the TG side of things I would not wish this on my worst enemy because of all the pitfalls

[Shayla]

Alexandra,

Congrats! We are in similar places experience-wise. I have had the urges for years but just started going out in the last year and gaining more confidence each time. Although I agree it would be best if everyone realized that there are, in our society 'many crossdressers amongst us', it might increase acceptance.

But we have (most of us) hesitated all our lives to go public with good reason. Our hetero-normative masculine upbringing and societal influences are a tough mindset to overcome even for some of those that love us. Think of all those wives that, presumably, love their spouses, but "can't deal with" crossdressing. Some of these same wives have claimed that they would prefer their husbands have a drinking or gambling problem instead...like a 'normal' man.

Do what makes you happy, but tread carefully.

[Teresa]

Shayla,
I don't think my wife would be any happier if I had a drink problem instead , both our fathers were heavy drinkers so we both suffered first hand from the outcome .

On the point of the crossdressing label no one I've spoken to in the RW has called me a crossdresser or used the label , the transgender label is very much recognised now . It is odd that there are as many F/M TGs now but no one labels them crossdressers , apparently it's only men who do that .

Rachel,
It is sad to read you say that about not wishing it on your worse enemy , OK it wasn't my choice as it isn't for any of us but I'm far happier in the last year than I have been for years . Lack of acceptance can be a very cruel thing .

[Alexandra Collins]

On the point of the crossdressing label no one I've spoken to in the RW has called me a crossdresser or used the label , the transgender label is very much recognised now . It is odd that there are as many F/M TGs now but no one labels them crossdressers , apparently it's only men who do that .

Teresa, thanks. But now I'm really confused. I consider myself to be a crossdresser, not TG. I thought TG normally means that you identify as the opposite of your birth sex? I do not feel like I'm a woman, even when I'm dressed (at least not yet!). I just like the feeling of wearing the clothes, and going out in public dressed that way, admittedly for reasons I do not understand.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Girl, you gave us a lot to chew on in one thread. My story is fairly common here. I have wanted to dress since my earliest memories around 3 years old. Dressed in private until I started dating my wife in the late 60's. She tried so hard to accept it but I went to far on many occasions that finally wore her tolerance down. So we keep it separate from our family life. Some years are better than others but I have had some amazing years that many here only dream of. As far as another comment about not wishing this on anyone, I love who I am and Steph is just part of who I am. As far as you calling for some kind of a "dress-in", I can tell you from over 40 years of dressing in public, these are already the best times for people like us who love pretty clothes and like to wear them along with all the hair, makeup, heels and accessories that go along with them. My wife and I seem to be seeing more of our girlfriends but I know that there are probably 10X's as many of us girls roaming the street and malls that are simply seen as another woman out doing her thing. So short of us all dressing in our best and marching on Washington I think we all have to educate the community and family around us and hopfully we will collectively finally make a difference. BTW, you look amazing. Love, Steph
P.S. Since I finally accepted myself I consider myself transgendered and not a crossdresser.

[Aunt Kelly]

Alexandra,
The need to tell others is a common thread here, so you're not alone. The advice I would give is to avoid coming out if you can. It's fraught with risk.
That said, how much risk can be best assessed by you. Likewise, only you can decide if the benefit outweighs the risk. It may well be that you've already made that assessment and still feel it's something you need to do. If so, more power to you. Just be sure.

[Beverley Sims]

I always think you should be absolutely sure of the reaction of friends before you come out to them.

I did it to some by going to a theme party dressed as a girl and let them see how I looked.

This way they got over the initial shock and saw how accepting others were.

[Lana Mae]

It seems that more of us being out will eventually lead to more acceptance or at least tolerance! I have been out and no really bad experiences!
That said, there are many of us that can not get out for one or another reason! They need our support and encouragement! They often live "their" out experiences thru those of us who are out and share it with the forum! I am 67 and doubt that in my lifetime there will be total acceptance, but it is getting there!
Hugs Lana Mae

[JulesLynne]

I told my wife about a year ago and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. She’s supportive and buys me stuff, borrows my shoes, takes me to the MAC store, signs up for Keystone, and then backtracks and does a complete 180 and hates everything about it. Next month she’ll love it again.

My honest assessment: I’m better off in my closet by myself. Sorry I’m kinda down in the dumps right now but that’s the way I feel at the moment. Bringing someone else into this isn’t worth the risk at times.

[AllieSF]

Teresa, thanks. But now I'm really confused. I consider myself to be a crossdresser, not TG. I thought TG normally means that you identify as the opposite of your birth sex? I do not feel like I'm a woman, even when I'm dressed (at least not yet!). I just like the feeling of wearing the clothes, and going out in public dressed that way, admittedly for reasons I do not understand.

Alexandra,

Transgender, trans, TG is a controversial term for some. This site defines it as an umbrella term that includes crossdressers (CD's) from panty wearers to full on complete dressers who go out regularly into the real world, to non-binary and several other related terms that fit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum all the way up to transsexuals, TS's who identify different from their birth genders. So, here if people would agree to the site's definition, which is widely used in the medical community it would be easier. Alas, everyone seem to follow their own light. So, per this site to identify as transgender is to say that one falls under the umbrella. Where you fit in roughly can easily be referenced by using CD, Non-Binary (NB) (including gender fluid, gender queer, et al) or transsexual transitioned socially and or physically or not. I hope I did not make it more confusing for you. When I use the term transgender, I usually put "umbrella term" in parenthesis to avoid disclaimers and then thread topic diverting unnecessary discussions.

[Alexandra Collins]

Alexandra,

Transgender, trans, TG is a controversial term for some. This site defines it as an umbrella term that includes crossdressers (CD's) from panty wearers to full on complete dressers who go out regularly into the real world, to non-binary and several other related terms that fit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum all the way up to transsexuals, TS's who identify different from their birth genders. So, here if people would agree to the site's definition, which is widely used in the medical community it would be easier. Alas, everyone seem to follow their own light. So, per this site to identify as transgender is to say that one falls under the umbrella. Where you fit in roughly can easily be referenced by using CD, Non-Binary (NB) (including gender fluid, gender queer, et al) or transsexual transitioned socially and or physically or not. I hope I did not make it more confusing for you. When I use the term transgender, I usually put "umbrella term" in parenthesis to avoid disclaimers and then thread topic diverting unnecessary discussions.

Thanks Allie

- - - Updated - - -



And I have to ask you .... does your wife know that Alexandra goes out and meets with others?

Maria, thanks for you thoughts.

My S.O. does know about everything I do, and in fact has joined me every time I've gone out dressed to meetings or a GNO, except once.

[Leslie Mary S]

Some of us live in area where social change is almost non-existent. In this area we still have a large group that still think of woman as not the equal to men. I thought I was wrong till a woman told me about how she got treated at a hardware store. She was told to go home and have her husband come in and buy the lumber.
I would venture out to say that some of this group will still be around for another 100 years. Welcome to the deep south.

[Rogina B]

Coming out as ? Crossdresser? Transgender? Makes a big difference....

[kimdl93]

I feel no responsibility to society, nor to any anonymous person. I don’t really give a damn what strangers or SAs or incidental encounters think.

Family, friends and business associates are another matter. Should I choose full time, which seems doubtful for now, then these are the people who will be impacted and whose response will impact upon me.

[Alexandra Collins]

Coming out as ? Crossdresser? Transgender? Makes a big difference....

Rogina, I was asking if more crossdressers came out to people around them, would that, over time, help those crossdressers who currently live in secrecy or fear, or live with unaccepting spouses.

- - - Updated - - -


I feel no responsibility to society, nor to any anonymous person. I don’t really give a damn what strangers or SAs or incidental encounters think.

But what I'm really wondering is do you recognize that there are many CDs who live in secrecy (that don't want to), or fear, or with an unaccepting spouse, but that if more CDs came out to the people around them, that, over time, that would help more CDs live a happier life because of wider societal awareness and acceptance?

[Aunt Kelly]

We have had the discussion before (and not that long ago) about our "obligation" to be out, the argument being the one you put forth; that doing so normalizes us to the straight community. I guess that you could call that a form of activism, if that was your reason for being out, but I don't agree that we are obliged to "wave the flag". Still, I understand the argument; needed social change seldom comes about without sacrifice on the part of some. And make no mistake, for many, being out would, or could, mean significant sacrifice; career, social status, family and friends. I can't bring myself to say that anyone is obliged to do so, only to recognize and honor the sacrifice that others have made that has made it easier for us.

Oh yes, every one of us who is out in public is definitely making a difference, but such "activism" is infinitesimal in it's effect on society as a whole. I am out (as far as I am, which is not yet much) because I need to be in order to feel "normal". If that makes a difference in the world, that's just gravy. L)

[TheHiddenMe]

Yes, I believe that more CDs coming out would help, but who is going to be the one to bell the cat?

Dan Savage argues (accurately I believe) that issues such as gay marriage became more accepted because as more people came out as gay, straight people became to know gays, and liked them as individuals (some Republican politicians notably became a lot less anti-gay when their children came out as gay).

Young people as a whole seem to be a lot more accepting of LGBTQ people than people of my generation. So there is hope.

And from a personal perspective, I've never had an issue being out dressed. I've made several friends because I went out dressed.

But my wife fears my being outed as a CD will mean people will fear sorry for her. So coming out is not an option for me, nor for many.

[Teresa]

Alexandra,
How do you feel about flying solo and how would your wife feel ? Does she accompany you to give you confidence or to keep an eye on you so it remains in her control ?

Rogina raises an interesting point but from your reply it doesn't appear to be something you've given serious thought to , that is why I pose the question of going solo . A year ago I felt more like a CDer going out under the TG banner , doing it everyday I no longer feel it's crossdressing , in fact I feel the labels don't matter in the RW , if I was back in my school days my name tags would now say Teresa , that's the only label I need to use now !

[phili]

A structural problem is that crossdressing is an act, and not an identity marker. So we have a circular problem- without definition of why we crossdress, there is no argument for identity, so people don't embrace us -as they have no clear framework in which we fit- and therefore understand it. Then we hide because no one understands us- and then others see us as having something we feel we have to hide.

SAs embrace us because we have an identity- buyer.

Also therefore the question- "Did you lose a bet?" That's easy to understand.

Someone might ask - "Are you gay?" " TG? " as long as we aren't looking fearful or uncertain.

[Stephanie47]

I've always thought "coming out" to others was no more than a cry for self acceptance. If my wife or my friends or my family accept me, then everything is alright with me. I passed the self acceptance hurdle decades ago without potentially ruining or losing my relationship with friends, family, neighbors or coworkers. I view a lot of things in life as "risk vs reward." What would I have gained if everyone knew about Stephanie? Would I head off to the neighborhood BBQ en femme? Would I lose friendships? Would neighborhood kids be counseled to avoid my wife and I?

My suggestion is to find an support group of like minded individuals to express your en femme side.

[Jacqueline1965]

I have struggled a bit with this. I am out to my spouse, therapist, stores where I shop and many of my friends. The story I tell is that I have a strong feminine side and that it's a big part of who I am as a person. That is generally understood and accepted. I love it when friends ask questions about it because it shows they care and want to understand. I want to come out to my parents, I am 53 they are in their mid-late 70's but up until now have had difficulty with the story. I want it to make sense and seem compelling but not make it seem like a lifestyle choice versus identity.

[Alice B]

I am out to all my family, including grandchildren and ex spouses. This includes many friends of the family. But not to any of my close friends or social contacts. Not sure who, if any, of them would be totally accepting. Would love to have them know and a few in in the neighberhood. Them I could dress freely. But after all these years in is no use. Wife is totally accepting as long as it is secret to her friends. I have been out in public many times, but that urge has wained.

[Alexandra Collins]

Alexandra,
How do you feel about flying solo and how would your wife feel ? Does she accompany you to give you confidence or to keep an eye on you so it remains in her control ?

Rogina raises an interesting point but from your reply it doesn't appear to be something you've given serious thought to , that is why I pose the question of going solo . A year ago I felt more like a CDer going out under the TG banner , doing it everyday I no longer feel it's crossdressing , in fact I feel the labels don't matter in the RW , if I was back in my school days my name tags would now say Teresa , that's the only label I need to use now !

I have been out by myself, and my S.O. is fine if I do that. She accompanies me because she enjoys the company of the people we meet up with. All of the CDs and TGs we've met are wonderful people, and we enjoy spending time together over a meal and a drink.

I responded to Rogina that I'm talking about coming out as a crossdresser, i.e., someone like me. I should have been more clear in my original post. I'm mainly talking about occasional or "weekend" crossdressers like myself. I've met and read about occasional crossdressers who keep it secret or are in a DADT situation that they are not entirely happy with. So I was asking if more occasional crossdressers (like me) came out to more people (that we felt comfortable with, I'm not advocating that anyone take any serious risks), would that, over time, make it so that less occasional crossdressers would have to keep it secret and live in fear or shame. Since I'm already out to my S.O., the main benefit I see in my situation, as I tried to explain, is that I'd be able to talk about one of my passions with more people in my life, as I would talk to them about the other things I enjoy doing. Simple as that. In my case, I don't see it as a "cry for self acceptance" as Stephanie suggests.

- - - Updated - - -


A structural problem is that crossdressing is an act, and not an identity marker. So we have a circular problem- without definition of why we crossdress, there is no argument for identity, so people don't embrace us -as they have no clear framework in which we fit- and therefore understand it. Then we hide because no one understands us- and then others see us as having something we feel we have to hide.

SAs embrace us because we have an identity- buyer.

Also therefore the question- "Did you lose a bet?" That's easy to understand.

Someone might ask - "Are you gay?" " TG? " as long as we aren't looking fearful or uncertain.

Thanks Phili, I see your point. But I'm thinking we don't usually have to explain why we enjoy doing something (playing golf, watching sports, collecting antiques, etc.). For reasons I don't understand, I enjoy dressing and going out a few times a month (I am a "weekend" or occasional crossdresser). It's just something I enjoy doing, I don't feel like a woman or want to be woman. I would just like it to be possible for fewer people like me to be able to not do it in secret, but be able to talk about it to as many people in their life as possible (if that's what they want, like I do).

[AllieSF]

" is that I'd be able to talk about one of my passions with more people in my life, as I would talk to them about the other things I enjoy doing."

Alexandra,

The above comment caught my attention. I don't see other people really wanting to talk about someone else's life as a crossdresser. Yes, they may want to ask some questions once in awhile about it, but as a topic of regular conversation, I do not think so. The reasons I see for that is that at this time it is still not common nor accepted as a normally accepted activity. You may need to talk with others about it, maybe close friends, but they may eventually just be listening as a courtesy to you versus actually being into that conversation. I think that for the time being it still may be outside their normal accepted topics.

I also agree with your reply to Phili. I don't see it as a circular problem. Regardless of how we may self identify, others will identify us when they see us dressed, fully or partially, as the opposite gender. They may think that we are a crossdresser, a transsexual who is transitioning or has transitioned, maybe someone just weird, or someone very courageous who just just being themselves and thus gaining their respect. Thus we do not need a reason that others can identify to go out, because the end result will be the same.

[Shawn Michelle]

I agree with Leslie in that location plays a role in why some of us fear acceptance. I would love to go out, get a makeover, and “stretch my legs”, so to speak. My problem is that I know too many people. Along with that, many people know me because they know my father. And I’m in a relatively large city. For me to go out in public, I’d have to go to Dallas, Houston or New Orleans. I don’t think the conservative population of where I live is as accepting. I don’t know for sure, but let’s just say I’m not willing to tempt fate. From being on this site, it looks like many southern cities are very trans-friendly, but outside of the larger metropolitan areas, I feel there’s still a “good ol’ boy” mentality that rules. Please understand I’m not saying all the south is this way. Tolerance grows with each generation. I just still see and hear things that tell me my area of the country isn’t as progressive as other places in the U.S.

[Roxanne Lanyon]

I just want to be a girl to everyone in my life! I love being Roxanne, and I have so much to give as her!
Roxanne, Female at heart!

[GretchenM]

Alexandra,

I think your approach is basically sound, but I also detect a little bit of newbie excessive enthusiasm. That is not entirely bad and I think you are taking a good approach. There have been many excellent contributions to your questions. I think you are taking them in well.

There comes a point in this journey where most us experience a desire to tell everyone. But the experience of others has shown that to avoid creating some horrendous problems for yourself and your loved ones, be careful about who you tell. Many use the "need to know" approach in selecting who is told and who is not told. I completely agree with you that if those of us who are CD or TG and have not come out in public would be helpful for all if we did. But, as with many "revolutions" and "revelations" the early adopters can get trampled and their lives ruined. I believe that social transition needs to be done carefully so there are as few casualties as possible. I have come out to a lot and found coming out to some was a big mistake that takes a long time to correct. I can't recommend that path. Consider your choices carefully.

Gretchen

[melanie206]

Unfortunately, the current administration has reversed a plan to put questions about sexuality and gender no-conformity in the upcoming census questionnaire. While many in this forum are resolute in their declaration that they are straight men it would would have been an opportunity to get some numbers that might benefit the community. The invisibility of any group hinders it's acceptance. Despite the recent gains in acceptance, gender non-conformity in whatever form will remain a victim of the mass ignorance and denial of facts that's become normal in our culture.

[mercterr]

I told My wife I like to cross dress after 14 years of marriage during a particularly difficult point in my life. I just didn't want this secret from her anymore in addition to everything else that was happening. It did not go over well. We ultimately stayed together and are happy today but we do not talk about this and I don't dress openly in our home. She was also upset that she had to now keep this secret so I told her to talk to her mother about it. Her mother, who can best described as a very open minded child of the 60's was firmly in my wife's camp that this was weird. I then told my Catholic parents and sister (and brother in law) and they were openly supportive of me and told me they still love me and accepted me. We don't ever mention it at family get togethers (as is the Catholic way :)

I went to a therapist who did a fantastic job explaining to me that dressing in clothing does not hurt anyone or make you a bad person. Then each day I would go back home to my wife who understandably was not attracted to the idea of a man who wanted to present as feminine sometimes. And I went to my hyper masculine job where I would be ridiculed and ostracized if it were known that I liked to wear women's clothes. I wouldn't have been fired but work would be terribly unpleasant if I came out. So while my therapist was right. I'm not bad and I'm not hurting anyone. But that didn't change my reality.

There are a lot more stories on here of loss and negative social repercussions than full acceptance and living happily amongst society wearing women's clothes. I am coming at this as a person who feels the strong compulsion to dress as the opposite sex from time to time. I'm am very comfortable as a male and happy to present as one most of the time. This would be a different story for a person who identifies as female or is strongly considering changing their gender. For my circumstance, I will stay in the closet for now.

[Asew]

The hardest part of coming out was coming out to my wife (who was the first one I came out to). Since then I have accepted it and I have no problem coming out but my wife places restrictions on how open I can under various situations. For me, I just want to be who I want to be, and while I ready my wife is still sometimes hiding me in the closet and it sucks.

And regarding the initial questions if we have a responsibility to come out to make it easier for others, I say no. You should come out if that is what is best for you. Yes it can help the acceptance of others, but you shouldn't feel a burden for others by not coming out yourself.

[SailorMoon]

Coming out vs. Telling the truth

When I first met my wife I unfortunately had previous relationships which some knew I crossdressed while others, I kept it a secret. I’ve learned that keeping a secret of who you are truly, will only make things worst for both.

On the 2nd day of meetings my future wife I took a serious decision. That I’ll be honest in the relationship without waiting or creating excuses. I told her that I crossdressed, that I enjoy wearing women clothes, those seconds of waiting her reply were not easy at all but you must remain honest for yourself and the person that you care, love.

Her reply was that she accepts it and that she wanted to continue seeing one another. From a relationship to husband & wife, I’ve made the right choice on saying the truth of who I was.

I am aware that this is not all black and white for many out there but remember to be respectful and caring because the answer will be there of what you must do.

[SheriM]

I like my male self. I also like being a crossdresser. Love the time dressed. I don't really want to be a female, at least not permanently, I just want to dress and present as a female. I am jealous of women. They are admired by most everybody. There are times that I wish I could be a woman.

[SailorMoon]

Can you imagine what the world would be if sissies (cross dressers), were accepted equally and opening as tomboys in a professional working environment to religion and into politics? That would be really amazing and an open mind world. Which may happen by the year 2340 if we do not trigger WWIII or WWIV by then.

In the meanwhile, the internet is our virtual environment and home is only a part time possibility with a touch of opportunities. Well... if I were rich without the need to work or being depended on bringing food, clothes, ...etc,. I would crossdress opening and publicly in a snap and I would bloody hire a professional person to find the right things to dress me up into, for makeup too and get my hair removed on my legs, treatments to have beautiful skin... etc,.

If only, back to reality people! :)

[Keira Bea]

I finally came out to my mum a few days ago. She did not initially take it well when she saw me. She gets it now and is more understanding. My sister and niece have been more supportive when I recently told them. Although my mum told me a night or so back that my sister (who lives just across the street from me) is worried I would go through her undie draw when she is away on holiday, eewwww. Just, NO! Besides, I can afford my own undies, lol.

Coming out really is a difficult thing to do, and a very brave thing. Yes there will likely be those who will never accept it. I am glad I’m single right now. Means I can look for an accepting woman instead of being stuck with someone who hates it. I did recently split with my longterm gf over other immigration issues (she is USA, I’m UK) but we are still close friends (with benefits), and is still due to visit me soon. She is tolerating and accepting, but I guess because we are not officially together now.

My dad and brother when they find out however. Well my bro is far-right wing, and they both look down on me anyway due to my mental health problems. Me and my dad don’t talk anymore but he lives down the road with his family who hate me too. That’ll be fun (not) when they find out. But hey, they will continue to harshly judge me forever anyway so what the hell. Not everybody does.

I went out properly during the day earlier this week and visited my niece, as Keira. Just my luck all the teenage kids were just leaving school. Lads bantering around and such. But they all just walked on by without even a second glance, not even a snigger. I don’t think I even pass that well. But what acceptance. Had to wait over half hour for my bus, and had a great evening. Loved the bus and walk home. But I am still wary, the neighbours don’t know yet and am still new to this new found freedom.

The nice thing about coming out means that there are no secrets. It means that there is no mad dash to change when the doorbell suddenly rings. It means no more purging, especially if people accept you. It sets you free. But it isn’t easy and totally understand why many never come out at all. But I find it makes for a more miserable life, makes me feel like a perv with a guilty secret. I am feeling it does slowly become easier when you do come out, as I am finding. I know I suddenly feel a lot more relaxed and at peace with myself now.

[t-girlxsophie]

Ive not told many but most of the surprising reactions to finding out about my dressing have been positive and come from even more surprising people,But I know full well that if i pushed this info to many more people that wouldn't always be the case as I could pretty much gauge most of their opinions on such things,so I've really told everyone that needs to know

Sophie

[Celee]

I’m in a DADT with my wife of 26 years and I’m sure she knows everything. I think about the right time to talk to her about Celee or even just about CD in general and then she tells me about her friends son who she found his sister’s dress in his closet. She then says that’s really weird so I dive back into the closet and think should I say something or just be quiet like I know nothing.