For Kathryn: How I did it

[Ms. Donna]

I see a lot of people saying "accept yourself...accept who you are".

Good advice, no question about about it...but I've yet to see anyone offer really practical "how to" advice on HOW to go about accepting yourself. Maybe I'm brain dead, or maybe everyone else has some great insight that I somehow missed out on, but...I still don't get it.. Please don't get me wrong here... I've desperately tried to reach a place of "self acceptance" for many years... I have reached certain levels of it, but I always seem to find myself back at square one...self loathing, shame, guilt, etc. It seems to be a revolving door thing with me.

Hi Kathryn,

I get a lot of pain coming through your posts and feel at a loss as to what to do to help. All I can do is share some of what worked for me in the hopes that you can find something which resonates for you.

This is a long post because I can’t do this briefly.

As I pointed out to Sophia in the I Can’t Shut Her Down (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=366947#post366947) thread, there is no ‘how to’ guide. It’s as evolving process and if you’re not open and ready for it, it won’t happen. I suspect that from an intellectual standpoint, you are ‘ready’, but it is at a deeper emotional level that you resist.

My first step came in my contemplation of suicide in my senior year of high school.

As a rational individual, I tried to understand and make some sense of my life and my place in the world – But the more I tried to figure it out, the more frustrated I became. I had surmised that life was one big cruel joke. It seemed to me that as time went on, things would only get worse. So, I decided to cut my losses and kill myself – I saw no good reason to stick around. (I would come to learn that I had stumbled upon Camus’ philosophy of the Absurd.)

Then at one point I asked myself, "Is this really the answer? Am I really better off dead?" How could I be so certain of this and nothing else? The answer was that I couldn’t. Something inside said that it must be better to be than to not be. I decided to reject the absurdity of my life and live in spite of it.

As rational beings, we seek absolutes. We want answers to all our questions. We want it to all be neat and tidy. The world, on the other hand, offers little in the way satisfaction. It is the disproportion between our wants and what the world yields which is the absurdity of existence. Suicide is a declaration that it is absolutely better not to be than to be.

For Camus, neither man alone nor the world alone is absurd: it is the clash between the two which is absurd. It is the disproportion between reason and reality that is absurd. It was my recognition and acceptance of this that helped to ease some of the pressure I felt. It didn’t mean I should stop looking and questioning – but in all likelihood, I might never get the ‘absolute’ answers for which I was looking.


The next step was due primarily because of a post made back in 1997 to Alt.Support.Crossdressing:

I have come to the conclusion that I don't really know who I am. I look in the mirror and recognize the face but don't feel that it is the real me looking back. When I am dressed in women's clothes feel the same way. The person in the mirror isn't the real me. I am living in a facade no matter what I wear. What I see is not the real me.

I read this and froze – and started rerunning the past fourteen-odd years of my life. I came to the realization that I had been trying to convince everyone, including myself, that I was a man, no matter what. If I could be that, then I’d be normal and for a long time I identified as a ‘regular guy’ with a kinky side. Ultimately, though, that just didn’t hold up to closer scrutiny.

I didn’t know who or what I was at this point. All I did know was that I was not who I thought I was. Emotionally painful as it was, acceptance of this set the stage for deeper introspection and evaluation.

The first serious piece writing I encountered regarding all of this was an article by Laura titled About Sex and Gender. In it she challenges the cisgender ideal with the notion that ‘sex’ (body parts) and ‘gender’ (identity) are not inexorably linked. Breaking the link between sex and gender allows ‘men’ and ‘women’ (gender) to be either ‘male’ or ‘female’ (sex). It took a couple of reads to absorb all of it, but it made sense to me – probably because at that point, I already felt a disconnect between my ‘gender’ and my body.

I had never considered that there was more that man and Woman as I had come to know them. The door to ‘other possibilities’ was opened and there was no closing it at that point.

As I mentioned in the post to Sophia, ‘Donna’ was now the embodiment of all these ‘other’ feelings – she was my ‘femme’ side and somehow separate. At least I acknowledged the existence of these feelings – more than I had done in the past. But as I considered this ‘other self’ – her feelings and such – I found that they had been there all my life – all the time. From a purely rational standpoint, none of what I felt or thought was that of some ‘other’ personality: it was all me – it always was.

What ultimately tied it all together for me was Nietzsche – which is why I’m always quoting him. Much as I’d like, it is impossible for me to ‘sum him up’ here. His ideas have permiated those of later existentialists and postmodernists. His critique of society, morality and what it has done to mankind as a species caused so much of my life experience to click into place.

In brief, His ideas regarding the arbitrary nature of morality (there are no moral Truths, only moral interpretations) were key. There is no universal morality. We have been told how to be by other people – people who can make no claim to a higher understanding.


For a condemnation of life by the living is after all no more than the symptom of a certain kind of life … One would have to be situated outside life, and on the other hand to know it as thoroughly as any, as many, as all who have experienced it, to be permitted to touch on the value of life at all …

All the guilt and shame comes from an internalized morality created by people who are in no position to know any better that you or I. No one can know the world sub specie aeterni and yet we look to these people and their false authority for approval we know we will never receive.

Recognition and acceptance of this is what finally did it for me. I'm real - I exist - I'm as valid as anyone else - my life has value - and nobody can tell me otherwise with any authority whatsoever.


Maybe this is all just rubbish. One man's trash is another man's treasure.


I sincearly hope that there is something here you can take away and find helpful. As I said in the beginning, you need to be open to and ready for new ideas. Only you can know if you are.


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[KathrynW]

I get a lot of pain coming through your posts and feel at a loss as to what to do to help. All I can do is share some of what worked for me in the hopes that you can find something which resonates for you.
Sorry, my intent in not to make anyone feel weird or anything. Maybe I should can the honesty and just stick to pissing people off. :straightface:

[Deborah]

No nevermind. ;)

[KathrynW]

Or leave and just sit in your house all grumpy and pissed off at the world by yourself since you have nothing better else to do then troll here.:rolleyes:

Name calling....that'll help. Thanks, I aprreciate that, Deb.
So much for honesty. That's all. I'm done. :straightface:

[Ms. Donna]

Sorry, my intent in not to make anyone feel weird or anything. Maybe I should can the honesty and just stick to pissing people off. :straightface:

Did I miss something? You seem like you have been looking for some support and possibly help. Perhaps I was wrong...

I suppose that's two hours of my life I'll never get back.

[KathrynW]

Did I miss something? You seem like you have been looking for some support and possibly help.
No, you didn't miss anything. You made good perfect sense.
I guess I'm just feeling like a moron for baring my soul in here.

[CaptLex]

As I mentioned in the post to Sophia, ‘Donna’ was now the embodiment of all these ‘other’ feelings – she was my ‘femme’ side and somehow separate. At least I acknowledged the existence of these feelings – more than I had done in the past. But as I considered this ‘other self’ – her feelings and such – I found that they had been there all my life – all the time. From a purely rational standpoint, none of what I felt or thought was that of some ‘other’ personality: it was all me – it always was.

Recognition and acceptance of this is what finally did it for me. I'm real - I exist - I'm as valid as anyone else - my life has value - and nobody can tell me otherwise with any authority whatsoever.


Donna,

If I may interrupt and ask a question (or two) . . . are you saying that you've stopped looking for answers because you realize that your two sides are united in one person and you've accepted this and feel at peace with this resolution?

I ask because, although I've come to this conclusion regarding myself, there are still other questions I would like to answer about myself and this realization is only the beginning for me. So, are you at the end of your journey now that you've realized this about yourself, or are you still searching for answers? +?

[GypsyKaren]

You know, I wish everyone would just leave Kathryn alone and not try to cure her of whatever you think she needs. Kathryn is just fine. She has an attitude that was earned the hard way, something you should feel lucky about avoiding. We've pm'ed a bit, her and I, we ended up on the same road in life for awhile and share things. I kinda have the same outlook on things as she does, I was just lucky in meeting my Kat, who changed my life for me. She really is a sweetheart, and I know she doesn't need me stepping in here like this (don't get mad at me Kathryn, it's just because I love you), but she's okay.

Karen

[Ms. Donna]

I guess I'm just feeling like a moron for baring my soul in here.

Who is making you feel like a moron?

No one ever said any of this is easy. Nine years ago, I was in a fair amount of denial and I didn't like myself. It was because I found a forum where I could communicate with others that I was able to get my act together.

You need to drop the attitude a bit and be willing to communicate. It's not always easy and you won't always hear what you want, but you have to be willing to try. Putting people off all the time just isn't going to get you where you want to be.

I'm sure that most here would agree that we are all in this together. You've been fighting the current all your life - time to turn around and try swimming with the current. You'll be surprised just how far it can take you!

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Maria D]

Forgive me Karen, but the quote above says "but I always seem to find myself back at square one...self loathing, shame, guilt, etc."

You may wish people to leave her alone, and say she's fine, but someone feeling those feelings isn't fine, surely? I just see someone hurting, and I presume, welcome or not, that's why people are trying to help.

Take care :)

[Mitzi]

Did I miss something? You seem like you have been looking for some support and possibly help. Perhaps I was wrong...

I suppose that's two hours of my life I'll never get back.


Ms. Donna...I have to admit I didn't read too much of your post, fortunately I've never had problems accepting my CDing, but I commend you for trying to help Kathryn. I too have sensed a lot of hostility in her posts.

No, you haven't wasted two hours of your life. You tried to help...

Mitzi

[Sophia Rearen]

Just for the record, no comment.

[Ms. Donna]

So, are you at the end of your journey now that you've realized this about yourself, or are you still searching for answers?

OMG - you mean there's an actual destination out there??? :p

I'm always looking and questioning. The difference is that I realize that any 'answers' I find are subject to revision at any point in time. I had the 'answers' nine years ago - and look how well that worked out!

Discussions like this are my searching - getting a better picture of just how diverse all of this is. I often get answers to questions I never thought to ask and different answers to questions I've asked before.

There is no end, only the journey. I accept that ten years from now, I may go through this all over again because in ten years, I won't be the person I am today.

Michel Foucault said this quite well:


"Nothing in man - not even his body - is sufficiently stable to serve as the basis for self-recognition or for the understanding of other men."


All we can do is keep searching. Besides, life would get boring if we had all the answers. ;)

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[GypsyKaren]

Forgive me Karen, but the quote above says "but I always seem to find myself back at square one...self loathing, shame, guilt, etc."

You may wish people to leave her alone, and say she's fine, but someone feeling those feelings isn't fine, surely? I just see someone hurting, and I presume, welcome or not, that's why people are trying to help.

Take care :)

I know you want to help, and I do commend you all for it, it's just that you don't understand. We share a pain and hurt that there's just no cure for, so you learn how to deal with it and get on with life. You should have seen me before I met Kat, trust me, I was a lot worse. Kathryn is just fine I think, and if she does want anyone's help she'll tell you straight out.

And with that, I'm going to bow out of this, so carry on.

Karen

[Annaliese]

Thank you for the time you spent on this post, put it in to words how I feel and out lined a road to traval. You should write a help book for CD
dam that was good.

Thank You

Anna

[CaptLex]

There is no end, only the journey. I accept that ten years from now, I may go through this all over again because in ten years, I won't be the person I am today.

Thanks, Donna. I was afraid you were going to say that, but that was honest and to the point. I'll pick up my bag now and keep traveling . . . ;)

P.S. BTW, the two hours weren't wasted. I'm sure I'm not the only one that will benefit from your insight.

[KathrynW]

You know, I wish everyone would just leave Kathryn alone and not try to cure her of whatever you think she needs. Kathryn is just fine. She has an attitude that was earned the hard way, something you should feel lucky about avoiding.
Karen: No, it’s ok...really it is. I do appreciate people trying to help in whatever way they can. And, I can also accept that most people don’t like me as a person. I’m ok with that, as I know I don’t really have anyone else to blame but myself. I’m not making excuses or asking for sympathy. And I won’t even try to say I’m “misunderstood”...
I’m a nut case and it seems to be pretty obvious.

Forgive me Karen, but the quote above says "but I always seem to find myself back at square one...self loathing, shame, guilt, etc."
You may wish people to leave her alone, and say she's fine, but someone feeling those feelings isn't fine, surely? I just see someone hurting, and I presume, welcome or not, that's why people are trying to help.Take care
Maria: I see what people are doing and I appreciate it. Have you ever dealt with someone who simply doesn’t know how to admit they need it or know how to accept help? Does that even make sense?

I too have sensed a lot of hostility in her posts.

::: raising hand ::: yep, no question about it...guilty as charged, and I’m the first one to admit it.

Who is making you feel like a moron?
ME...I have no problem admitting I’m my own worst enemy.

You need to drop the attitude a bit and be willing to communicate. It's not always easy and you won't always hear what you want, but you have to be willing to try. Putting people off all the time just isn't going to get you where you want to be. I'm sure that most here would agree that we are all in this together. You've been fighting the current all your life - time to turn around and try swimming with the current. You'll be surprised just how far it can take you!
Good points...all of them...
For the record, I apologize to everyone here for my behavior. Digging up a lot of this stuff sucks big time for me, but sticking it on a shelf isn’t good either...I do have enough sense to realize that.
I’m trying to work through a lot of things in my life right now, and Rome wasn’t built in a day. Again...I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m not sure what else to say...:straightface:

I know you want to help, and I do commend you all for it, it's just that you don't understand. We share a pain and hurt that there's just no cure for, so you learn how to deal with it and get on with life.
Ahh...
Now here's the part where Mr. Badass tears up...Karen hits way too close to where I live... :straightface:

[Laurie Ann]

When ever I feel alone and isolated by my dressing and even though I spend time here it does happen. I try to remember life is a journey not a destination and as with all journeys you are going to hit potholes, detours, wrong turns and just plain old lifes crap. To come to grips with my dressing I first had to come to grips with who I am as a person not male not female just me. I do not believe that anyone outside of me can ever make me come to the peace, we all seek, but me.

[Bernice]

Ms. Donna...I have to admit I didn't read too much of your post, fortunately I've never had problems accepting my CDing, but I commend you for trying to help Kathryn. I too have sensed a lot of hostility in her posts.

No, you haven't wasted two hours of your life. You tried to help...

Mitzi

I'm with Mitzi! :thumbsup:

I have a younger brother living with me who is a survivor of a violent attack and traumatic brain injury. He often resists help, and often lashes out at me with rage and anger. He hides behind his need for privacy and demands his freedom, all the while exercising very poor judgement, living dangerously, exhibiting self-destructive behavior, and not getting the counseling he needs. After each emotional outburst is over, he is always appreciative of my efforts. None of this makes it any easier to try to help him, but it does make it easier to understand why it is so hard, and why I must keep trying.

It is hard to help someone who does not want help. Trouble is, he does want help, he just isn't prepared to confess that he wants help.



Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyKaren
I know you want to help, and I do commend you all for it, it's just that you don't understand. We share a pain and hurt that there's just no cure for, so you learn how to deal with it and get on with life.
Ahh...
Now here's the part where Mr. Badass tears up...Karen hits way too close to where I live...

No offense intended Kathryn, but I think deep inside you do want help, or you would not be baring your soul in here. Everyone has problems. There is no shame in having problems. Focus on dealing with your problems, and I think you will be happier for it. Open your mind to a little heartfelt advice and I think you may find dealing with your problems a little easier.

Right now, Kathryn, you are something like a wounded animal. Only trained professionals dare to get near you, for you may injure those who only want to help.

Ms. Donna: What a remarkable privilege it is to have a friend like you in our midst. Bless you.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Maria D]

Maria: I see what people are doing and I appreciate it. Have you ever dealt with someone who simply doesn’t know how to admit they need it or know how to accept help? Does that even make sense?

Yes, a few, for various reasons. I don't think you can help them, other than perhaps give them something to hold on to when they need it. If they open up for help, ever, it'll be because they managed to, not because it was forced on them.
It's entirely probable I don't understand your pain, and I won't try to. I don't like seeing you in it, but I'm aware I can't take it away. Heh, my fiancee is on morphine for her endo pain, so I see enough pain. I'd take it away if I could. I'd teach the world to sing if I could.

I don't know what Karen referred to about sharing a pain I don't understand, something private perhaps. But I do understand TG pain. Just that side of your pain, I Do. I hated myself (still do sometimes), I hated being TG and just wanted to be on one side or the other, I hated the secrecy, the shame and guilt, I drank heavily, I hated the pain that wouldn't stop, I hated not having the damn courage to tell anyone, stupid stupid man I was, I wanted to die, and I have scars on my body that will never go. I do understand pain.
What I have now is self acceptance, which gave me a life. I'd be dead now I know that. What I can't do is give that to you, because at the time no-one could have given it to me. It's something you'll either find, or not, it can't be given or found in a Christmas cracker.
For me, it happened because I thought my fiancee was amazing and told her about me. I will never know why, she was the first, and I thought I'd lose her. But I didn't, for the first time in my life someone loved ME. Not Greg, but ME. That was my trigger, I hope you find yours one day. Yes, you piss people off, so what? Where's the fun in keeping everyone happy? ;)

Now who's a moron for baring themselves?

Take care :)

[VeronicaMoonlit]

No, you didn't miss anything. You made good perfect sense.
I guess I'm just feeling like a moron for baring my soul in here.

Having feelings and discussing feelings is not moronic, though I admit I have thought similar thoughts at some times.


Veronica

[melissacd]

There are three ways people can be about a given situation and I am pretty sure I know where Kathryn is at right now.

First a person will have a problem as viewed from the outside, but internally it is all systems normal and they zoom along as if nothing is wrong. You cannot help this person because they are not a customer for what you have to say.

Second there are those who recognize they have a problem they need to deal with, but they are not yet ready to do anything about it. All they can do is whine about it to the world. They also are not a customer for what you have to say.

Third is the person who recognizes they have a problem and are ready to seek answers and do something. They are a customer for advice and support. They can be helped because they are willing to listen and to try things.

Our job as caring humans is to pay attention and look for the third case and be ready to help. In the first case there is no dialog and in the second case for the most part dialog is futile.

All this being said, I want to thank Donna for caring about others enough to write what she wrote and I want to compliment her on what she wrote. I am a customer of new ideas and they do help. I also very much subscribe to the notion that much of our pain is self-inflicted by virtue of buying into all of these arbitrary artificial social constructs.

Life can be a continual learning if you listen, reflect and consider. I have listened these past few years in the forum, I have learned and I am starting to really get to know myself. I am not masculine or feminine, I am just me. I am unique, as are we all and I am learning to celebrate that uniqueness in all its wonder and glory.

Thanks Donna for reminding us of important things. Thanks for giving us another thing to consider, it was not 2 hours of wasted time, it was a gift to those of us ready to listen.

Huggs
Melissa

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I'm ok with that, as I know I don't really have anyone else to blame but myself. I'm not making excuses or asking for sympathy. And I won't even try to say I'm "misunderstood"...

You do antagonize people, but you are also misunderstood.



I'm a nut case and it seems to be pretty obvious.

Nut case? No. Full of conflicting thoughts and emotions yes. That doesn't make you a nut case.



Have you ever dealt with someone who simply doesn't know how to admit they need it or know how to accept help? Does that even make sense?

Makes perfect sense.



ME...I have no problem admitting I'm my own worst enemy.

We all are our own worst enemies. :-)



Now here's the part where Mr. Badass tears up...Karen hits way too close to where I live... :straightface: [/quote]

Inside of you, as an aspect of your personality, there might also be a "Ms. Badass" Not a separate personality, but perhaps better described as an attitude. You can use that to give you strength to face your demons. Think about the women (or perhaps transfolk) that you admire. Thats in you too. Think of those qualities you admire in them and bring them out in yourself.

I try to do that myself, not with great sucess, but I think it has helped.


Veronica

[KathrynW]

Just for the record, no comment.
This is a bit disappointing Sophia...because, I'd really like to see your comment. Obviously you do have something you'd like to say. On the forum or in PM, whatever works for you...:straightface:

[Sophia Rearen]

This is a bit disappointing Sophia...because, I'd really like to see your comment. Obviously you do have something you'd like to say. On the forum or in PM, whatever works for you...:straightface:


Allright then, Kathryn, you ok?

[KathrynW]

Allright then, Kathryn, you ok?
I'm as good as can be... :straightface:
That's it? That's what your "for the record - no comment" thing was?
You're not holdin out on me, are ya?

[SherriePall]

Kathryn W --
We are all here for you -- unconditionally. I think that most of us have been at the point you are at some time of our crossdressing lives. Sooner or later, after trying everything to change, we realize that this is our lot in life and our goal is to do the best we can.

[Sophia Rearen]

I'm as good as can be... :straightface:
That's it? That's what your "for the record - no comment" thing was?
You're not holdin out on me, are ya?


Wow, as good as good can be. You're a bigger person than me.

The for the record, the no comment, comment was based upon my name and thread in this threads inception. And, I have not had such a good run with Kath's on this forum.

So, since you asked, and against my better judgement. I'll respond. You'll probably be disappointed to know that I have nothing to add. As an observer, I have noticed, through a kind and caring network of people here, I believe you have opened and thereby exposed a side of you that we never thought possible.

What I have to say is of no importance. What you feel, think and believe is. I do know that Donna is a truly gifted person and if people choose not to atleast consider her brilliant thoughts, well, I feel they have missed a wonderful chance to come to know themselves better.

[Ms. Donna]

For the record, I apologize to everyone here for my behavior. Digging up a lot of this stuff sucks big time for me, but sticking it on a shelf isn’t good either...I do have enough sense to realize that.

I’m trying to work through a lot of things in my life right now, and Rome wasn’t built in a day. Again...I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m not sure what else to say... :straightface:

Hi Kathryn,

Fair enough. I can appreciate that all of this - on top of whatever else is happening in your life - is probably akin to adding insult to injury.

As for excuses: I don't think you need to say anything else as you don't owe anyone an explanation.

If you didn't know it before, you should know it by now: the commnity here is more than willing to offer support - when you're ready.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[KathrynW]

Wow, as good as good can be. You're a bigger person than me.
Bigger person? Size wise? Yes, almost definitely I am. But we're not going there...
If we're not talkin about "bigger" as in physical size here, it's probably quite the opposite...

As an observer, I have noticed, through a kind and caring network of people here, I believe you have opened and thereby exposed a side of you that we never thought possible.

Hmmm...exposed a side that you never thought possible? I guess that means I have a reputation here as a not-so-nice, assholic person...
No big shocker there...but I'm an adult. I can accept that.
But yes, you are correct in noticing there are some truly compassionate people here....even people I'd suspected I had the LEAST in common with.
I'll admit that has been quite surprising to me. ;)

[sherri]

[quote=KathrynW] ME...I have no problem admitting I’m my own worst enemy. /quote]

That's Step 1.

Step 2 is to decide to change.

You'll be glad you did.

[uknowhoo]

Ms. Donna, thank you.

Kathryn, thank you too.
As you said, Rome wasn't built in a day.
The first step is taking the first step, and you've done that (and then some, it would seem). The beauty of it is, that we're all here to help each other along this often challenging path. :hugs:

Take care, hun.

Tammi

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I guess that means I have a reputation here as a not-so-nice, assholic person...

Well, I've been guilty of the following myself: I can't be rejected by other people if I push them away first. Just a thought....

BTW, I think a lot of people appreciate your apology. For myself, anyone who's got the strength to do that, goes up a few notches in my eyes, regardless of what they'd done before.

And for what it's worth, baring your soul is scary. But you're not a moron for doing so. As Ms. Donna said, there's a lot of us willing to offer support when you're ready.

[MsJanessa]

Interesting posts---Kathryn and I have had our differences and have corresponded privately about it---My view is she is what she is and she can change if she wants to or stay the same if she wants to do that---the choice is hers.

[KathrynW]

Interesting posts---Kathryn and I have had our differences and have corresponded privately about it
Naw...I don't really know if "differences" is the right terminology...
Let's just say we're from opposite sides of the tracks, and that's ok... ;)

My view is she is what she is and she can change if she wants to or stay the same if she wants to do that---the choice is hers.
You make it sound really cut & dried and simple...and that's not really the case with me, or others who have difficulty dealing with this.
Obviously some people can say "Ok, this is what I am...I'm "gender gifted"...and this is how I'll live my life". For others, there's more involved in reaching real self-acceptance. So, it's not really a simple choice kind of situation. But, I'm workin on it...that's about the best I can do for now. :straightface:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Obviously some people can say "Ok, this is what I am...I'm "gender gifted"...and this is how I'll live my life".

For the record, I'm never been particularly fond of the phrase "gender gifted" for the reason Helen Boyd talks about. (http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/?p=714)

OTOH, I agree with Helen that seeing the glass as being half-empty can allow you to start figuring out how to fill it.

[MsJanessa]

Naw...I don't really know if "differences" is the right terminology...well I could have used other expressions but I chose to use the polite one.
Let's just say we're from opposite sides of the tracks, and that's ok... ;)
yes we are from different sides of the track
You make it sound really cut & dried and simple...and that's not really the case with me, or others who have difficulty dealing with this. It is cut and dried and simple----what it isn't is easy---it's extremely difficult for most peple, me included to come to terms with who we really are---an example I see many posts in these forums from TGs who are having significant problems with their wives. There are three solutions---either hide it from her, tell her and hope she accepts it, or divorce her--all three solutions are obvious and simple but all three are difficult to actually do.
Obviously some people can say "Ok, this is what I am...I'm "gender gifted"...and this is how I'll live my life". For others, there's more involved in reaching real self-acceptance. So, it's not really a simple choice kind of situation. But, I'm workin on it...that's about the best I can do for now. :straightface: Like I said above the choices are always simple, not only in your marraige but whether you come "out" in public--its finding the courage to make the choice that is difficult.