What should I ask?

[Emi GG]

Hi, all.

My CDSO and I are enjoying our explorations, and we have a wonderfully open and honest relationship so I’ve felt safe asking questions to learn about wants & desires.

That said, I don’t know what I don’t know (ya know?). ;-)

What kinds of CD questions should I ask my SO to better understand them?

What do you wish your SO would ask you to better understand you?

Thank you! 💋

-Emi

[ClosetED]

Welcome and thank you for wanting to learn and make them happy!

There is an already made thread about what a CDer should be prepared to answer from SO, so that may be a good starting point. Written by an accepting GG.
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner/page2

What makes them happy / joyful in doing this? What fears?
What makes you happy / joyful in doing it with them? What fears?

Do they want to want to interact as 2 girlfriends or as 2 lovers?
Do they want to go out in public? Alone or with you?

What would they feel if a man complimented them? Slapped their behind? Kissed them?
Many CDers have a fantasy about a man admiring them, treating them as a lady, but not for sexual attention. Does your SO want you to be the 'man' and admire them? And as a loving couple, maybe more?
Does your SO want you to see them transform? Or need your advice?
So much, but we would need more background.
I am also in Eastern MA.
Hugs, Ellen

[Emi GG]

Thank you!! This is a great start!

[Teri Ray]

I have no good answers for what you should ask.

But I do want to complement you for your courage to learn and figure out how you and your SO can deal with this unique passion. I can tell you that the best thing that I ever did was come to honest discussion with my wife about my crossdressing. It was awkward and uncomforatble but the benefits were beyound measure. Best thing I ever did.

Not an easy road but sounds like you guys are on the right path. Best wishes.

Teri

[ClosetED]

Glad to help. Now if you could tell us how to get our wives to be so accepting...
😉
Hugs, Ellen

[Tracii G]

I wish I knew LOLOL.

I do applaud you for being open and understanding.
If I had an SO that dressed I wouldn't know what to ask either.

[Jean 103]

Really there is only one question at this point. Your SO may not know and/or the answer can change with time.

Does your SO want to be or become a women?

Whatever the answer, if you accept it, then I wish you two a long and happy life together.

[Beverley Sims]

I suggest you read the various stickies listed at the top of each forum title as they are many and varied.

They offer a lot of pointers on all the questions that are going through your mind.

[kimdl93]

Hmmm, the place to start is with your relationship. We can’t know what’s been asked already, nor whether/how the questions have been answered.

once the most basic questions are addressed, feel free to move on with exploration. The questions and answers will emerge from your shared experiences.

[phili]

Emi- you are so sweet to ask-
In addition to what was said, and "Are you gay, or transsexual? - which they may or may not even know, I think the main point is simply being caring.

The simplest thing my wife could ask me is "what are you feeling?" and let me answer without immediately interrupting to tell me why I should not be feeling that way. This is difficult if you see his feelings as leading to conflict with what you want, of course, but the initial feelings are often skewed by deprivation, so hopefully you can wait a bit to see how his feelings evolve in the atmosphere of your loving support.All I knew when I first came out to my wife was that I desperately wanted to wear certain clothes. Now I am able to articulate 5 things that are values I derive from crossdressing, none of which are threatening to my love for my wife, but are threatening to my wife who feels that men and women should stay in separate, cooperative worlds.

If the answer comes back about feeling like being a woman, or wanting to wear a bridal dress, or whatever, just log it in and ask again ain a few hours. Al lot of things just have to come out, and then they can be integrated into our real lives. Dressing choices evolve once we are free to choose.

Another is simply "What can I do to help? "

You could go online and look at discussion sites like this Forum or Quora https://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-as-a-man-like-to-wear-women-s-clothing or reddit, and get his view of what people are saying as the same or different.

There are occasions where cds become self-absorbed and obnoxious, and not responding in kind to your caring. But that is unusual, and a separate issue, akin to any other catastrophic relationship failure.

Thank you for trying to stay connected!

[Confucius]

What I appreciate the most from my wife is when she offers to help me look and dress better.
I appreciate it when she lets me know what her needs are from me as a man, and where her boundaries for my crossdressing are set.
I appreciate her efforts in understanding my needs, and setting time for me to dress up.
I appreciate the times when we can get glam together.
I have my own style and she has helped me to develop it.
I appreciate her input in what looks good, and what doesn't.
I appreciate it when I tell her about my life history - growing up thinking I was a bad person for crossdressing, and then her telling me that there's is nothing I need be ashamed about.

[docrobbysherry]

I can't speak for u, Emi. But, if I was a GG dating a trans? Here's what I would WANT TO KNOW:

How long have u been dressing?

R u attracted to women? Men? Both?

Is sex involved in your dressing? Either by yourself or with others? If others? How often have u had it and with what gender? Do u plan to continue? Why? Why not?

Have u ever thot about transitioning and/or living as a female? If yes, how serious r u about that? When do u plan to do that?

After I received answers to those questions, I'd have lots of news ones!:brolleyes:

[bridget thronton]

Welcome to the forum Emi

[SaraLin]

I think a BIG one might be "Where do you see this going for US as a couple? Do you picture our 'perfect' relationship as being: husband/wife, bedroom fun, lesbian couple, girl-friends, some of each, transformation assistant - what?"

I don't expect that you'll get a definite answer, since your SO probably doesn't really know either - but what he says, how he feels, how much YOUR feelings matter, will tell you a lot and give you both plenty of food for thought.

[Diane Taylor]

As time goes on, you'll come up with many questions on your own. Only you will know what you want to ask. Hopefully, when you do ask, you'll get truthful answers. Good luck to both of you.

[Cheryl T]

I don't think it's so much what you think she would want you to ask or what you should ask.
More, what do you want to know? Treat it as any other new topic and just let it flow from your heart. Ask about things that make you curious.

The fact that you are so open and willing to learn and participate is the most wonderful thing. So many of us wish that were the case rather than being shunned or forced to hide this side of ourselves from our spouse.

[Sherrii]

I too don't really know what to ask. I would say though just have fun. You have a chance for a really intimate and different experience between the two of you. It's great you are so open to something different, out of the mainstream. Sherrii

[ClosetED]

IMHO, it is very important ask what do they want tell you. It shows it is not all about you, but they are the one you care about most. What better way to show love?
Your concerns will come up.
Hugs, Ellen

[Rhonda Darling]

Emi:

I'm in a wonderful marriage/relationship with my wife, who knows everything about Rhonda. When we first started dating, and it started,getting serious, I pulled up my big girl panties and told her my life story and about my crossdressing. I applaud you for wanting to know more about your SO's desire to crossdress.

There are already many good tips for you. In case you dont know, after you've posted 10 times, the forum opens up and you'll see and be able to access a lot more subject area forums. I recommend that you look into these two:

F.A.B. Female at Birth -- forum restricted to genetic females only - a place where you can talk to other women about the born male CD person in your life.

Loved Ones -- Again, a place where you can get serious about the love of your life and your relationship with a CDer.

And of course, there are many other forums here. You may see what you consider to be extremes of our way of life, but you'll come to realize that we represent a great cross-section of humanity, are decent people, and are very much normal, but with a difference. We are engineers, artists, lawyers, military, law enforcement, teachers, aerospace engineers, business owners, officce workers, mechanics, and a whole lot more. Welcome to our site.

Rhonda

[Laurie A]

I might suggest asking how, when, and why did you start? Then as a follow up, how has it changed for you you over the years.

These are subjects that are popular discussion points on this board. It may be a good way to get them to open up to you. Also, I might suggest you ask them if shame and or hiding have had an effect on their life. Again it may give you some key insights, but be careful, you may also be venturing into areas where your partner feels vulnerable and nervous about sharing.

Best of luck to both of you!

[Meghan4now]

Dearest Emi,

There have been lots of questions suggested. Some of them could be tough, and your SO may have trouble answering some.

What I think is possibly more important than what you ask is HOW you ask. It is far too easy to approach a question with bias and preconceived expectation. This can shut down an honest and fully open response. Questions that come across as accusatory or loaded can put people on the defensive. Little subtle things like saying "Don't you think..." Implies that they don't think or if they disagree they are wrong, and establish the questioner's stance even before the answer is given.

It's hard, but try to frame your questions in a more positive tone. Don't ask "You aren't going to transition, are you?". Rather you might ask "If you had the opportunity to transition, what would that look like"

Good luck. You seem like a strong and loving person and you SO is blessed to be with you.

[So Newbie]

When I first found out about my bf being a cd, I asked anything that came to mind. I also asked, what is something YOU want me to know about cd that I would never think to ask.
That one made him think😉

[Jasmine Jones NZ]

The biggest question is “why do you dress?” as this will define everything else. The why is different for everyone and the why does change with time.
By understanding the why you will be able to understand how it fits with your relationship and how you can be part of it.
Unfortunately a lot of significant others don’t understand the why of their partners and instead rely on their own opinions or those of their friends which are generally based on stereotypes.
The best thing you can do is listen to your partner, let them guide the conversation and tell you their story.
Your partner is very lucky that you want to have the discussions and be part of it as ultimately an understanding partner is what crossdressers desire the most.

[Emi GG]

Dearest Emi,

There have been lots of questions suggested. Some of them could be tough, and your SO may have trouble answering some.

What I think is possibly more important than what you ask is HOW you ask. It is far too easy to approach a question with bias and preconceived expectation. This can shut down an honest and fully open response. Questions that come across as accusatory or loaded can put people on the defensive. Little subtle things like saying "Don't you think..." Implies that they don't think or if they disagree they are wrong, and establish the questioner's stance even before the answer is given.

It's hard, but try to frame your questions in a more positive tone. Don't ask "You aren't going to transition, are you?". Rather you might ask "If you had the opportunity to transition, what would that look like"

Good luck. You seem like a strong and loving person and you SO is blessed to be with you.

This is super helpful, and a good thing for me to bear in mind. Thank you!

- - - Updated - - -


IMHO, it is very important ask what do they want tell you. It shows it is not all about you, but they are the one you care about most. What better way to show love?
Your concerns will come up.
Hugs, Ellen

Excellent point. Thank you!

- - - Updated - - -



I appreciate her efforts in understanding my needs, and setting time for me to dress up.
I appreciate the times when we can get glam together.
I have my own style and she has helped me to develop it.
I appreciate her input in what looks good, and what doesn't.
...her telling me that there's is nothing I need be ashamed about.

All great food for thought. Thank you so much.

- - - Updated - - -




The simplest thing my wife could ask me is "what are you feeling?" and let me answer without immediately interrupting to tell me why I should not be feeling that way. This is difficult if you see his feelings as leading to conflict with what you want, of course, but the initial feelings are often skewed by deprivation, so hopefully you can wait a bit to see how his feelings evolve in the atmosphere of your loving support.

Another is simply "What can I do to help? "

You could go online and look at discussion sites like this Forum or Quora https://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-as-a-man-like-to-wear-women-s-clothing.

Thank you for trying to stay connected!

I love these open ended questions - great suggestion! And the idea of re-visiting I can see as really powerful. And thank you for the additional resources!

- - - Updated - - -

I cannot thank you all enough for your thoughts and guidance. I feel supported and am so lucky to have found you all. Thank you! 💕

[Aunt Kelly]

Best of luck to you, EMI. You are a very special lady.

[greeneyes]

Hello Emi! It is so nice to see others that are accepting. I think what I have found helpful, is to ask my CDSO to go do things with me that I do not think she would suggest. I think sometimes it is difficult for them to ask you to do something, like go to dinner with them dressed or shopping. If you are comfortable doing something...ask if your CDSO would like to do _________. I do not think Joni would have done half the things with me that we have done, if I didn't say "Hey would you like to go here or would you like to do this?" It took the pressure off her asking. Good luck and have fun! Great to have you here!
Greeneyes:battingeyelashes:

[ellbee]

Honestly, I really can't think of any questions.

You know, aside from the 2 obvious biggies: "Are you gay/bi?" And: "Do you want to become a woman?"


Those are important, no doubt, in a relationship. Perhaps even stereotypical? :strugglin

And the person answering should be honest with their SO, as well as honest with themselves.



I don't have an SO, but if I did? I'd just want them to love me for who I am, regardless of how I'm presenting or how I'm feeling. :hugs:

[char GG]

from Greeneyes:

I think sometimes it is difficult for them to ask you to do something, like go to dinner with them dressed or shopping. If you are comfortable doing something...ask if your CDSO would like to do _________.

Hi Emi,
Greeneyes has a very good idea. There is a hotel in one of the large towns close to us that has dressy events that are usually free or low cost. They happen every other month or so. The theme is usually fun and unusual, such as "Little Black dress party", "Prom night", "Summer Soiree", "Halloween party", "Bowties & Stilettos", and others. They have music, dancing, and cash bar. Dressy events allow both of you to dress up in attire other than typical street clothes and have a blast. We have gone to all of them. Our local radio station also has events at different times (the best one was a "bridesmaids ball"). So, if you keep your eyes open, you may find some unusual events to go to other than a local night club.

[Emi GG]

That's an excellent idea. This forum is helping me learn what kinds of things she might like to do, so I'll ask/suggest. Thank you!

[Macey]

Emi, I don't know your SO well, but she might be nervous to do something and demure the question. Keep your focus on when you ask these questions, read what isn't said as much as what is said :)