When did you know?

[shellybme]

When did you know you are not just a cross-dresser and wanted to be a woman? I go back and forth all the time. I guess if i have doubts I am not ready or its not for me. All of you are super strong and brave for being who you are meant to be. I just don't know what that is for me.

[Ceera]

For me, it was when I realized that when I was going out in public, it wasn't some sort of fetish, or merely liking a particular kind of clothes, but rather that the driving influence on my enjoying going out in public as a woman was being seen and accepted as a woman. It just felt right! And it felt personally validating. It didn't matter if I was just getting groceries at the store, and some random passer-by addressed me properly as miss or ma'am, or if some stranger complemented my nails, or even if no one spoke to me at all, but I was permitted to shop for women's things without someone questioning why I was in the women's department or changing rooms. It was when I realized cisgender female friends clearly thought of me as a woman, and were not just being polite and socially correct in addressing me. And the final kicker was when I realized I decidedly preferred interacting socially as a woman.

[pamela7]

A rose takes its time to open, depending upon many factors do with with the weather and local soil. It took me a very long time to realise i needed to CD, and then only 9 months to realise my inner trans nature. Some of us have repressed our true feelings or knowings so much, and it takes time to all come out. no need to rush, let the sun and the rain help you discover how you blossom best.
xxx

[Melanie Moxon]

Deep down I have always known that something wasn't quite aligned in my core being but it took years for me to figure out what it was. I always felt I should be a girl but I didn't like traditionally girly things like playing with dolls, playing mums and dads, but at the same time I didn't like traditionally boys sports like football (soccer to those of you across the pond) nor the rough and tumble of boyish games. I was happy learning all I could about aviation and building and making things and of course if I wanted to be a girl why did I 'like' them, after all boys like girls and vice versa (even in the 80's the notion of being a "lesbo" or a "poofta" was grounds for ridicule). Nor did I want a traditionally female job, until my eyesight ruled me out all I wanted to do was join the RAF or RN and be a Harrier pilot and following that disappointment a commercial pilot (9/11 saw that ambition curtailed before I left 6th form) not roles that were traditionally "marketed" at girls.

Of course the advent of the internet in the late 90's meant that I was able to get information and figure myself out. I nearly pushed the T-button in the early 2000's but fear pushed me back in the closet and there I stayed until 2017 when I decided enough was enough and decided to tackle it head on which has culminated in my transition plan which has been burbling along in the background goes live in 29 days.

[Devi SM]

I wouldn't say when I knew because it was a transition on knowledge, feelings etc. but when I decide to get into HRT was the day I was convinced and aware that was something I needed and could help me with dysphoria, so may be a year and a half ago. Before than that is when I realized that dressing wasn't enough and this wasn't aabout dress. Today I can live dress in Male and doesn't affect me like before HRT.

[Lana Mae]

I was in the dark until I turned 65 and my wife had passed away! That is another story! Decided to see my feminine side and got a professional transformation! There was Lana Mae staring back at me from the mirror! That was CD level! I went out a few times dressed and realized that there was more to it! Thanks to the girls here I realized what was going on with me! Gender dysphoria and Oh, so bad! Enter my counselor and she confirmed my thoughts! And here I am on HT! Letting the journey take me where ever it may! Happy and content for now but I am sure there is more ahead! Waiting until a year of HT and then reevaluate! Hope this helps! Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Shellybme,
I found it to happened in small stages , I'm still not sure if I've arrived yet but when I separated just over a year ago I made the decision to go out as Teresa . Within a short time it didn't feel like crossdressing anymore , I felt more comfortable and happy . The obstacles and fears just evaporated away , I feel more normal in female mode than I do in male .

My GP asked how I was doing and told her fine , my most common comment is , " You are so brave !" She replied that she didn't like that comment as it suggests we are doing something out of the ordinary and being TG is now perfectly acceptable .

[Aunt Kelly]

For me, it was when I realized that when I was going out in public, it wasn't some sort of fetish, or merely liking a particular kind of clothes, but rather that the driving influence on my enjoying going out in public as a woman was being seen and accepted as a woman. It just felt right!
That was it for me as well. It took a several weeks of therapy before I used the word "transsexual" in reference to myself, but from that point on, everything started making a lot more sense. Counseling doesn't provide answers, but it will help you ask the right questions.

[Lisalove1976]

Hi Shellybme,
I guess I am on the same boat as you... I haven't figures it out yet, I do know that I'm much more than a cross dresser but I also know that I have NO IDEA how to be a woman. I can take a picture and look like a "passable" woman but I am smart enough to know that I have no knowledge of what if takes to be a full time woman. I guess it's would be like waking up from a coma at age 49 and having to learn every thing

[Katya@]

To me it was when the feeling of misery leaving the house dressed and present myself as male became much stronger than the feeling of happiness changing quietly at home. To speak in medical terms, my gender dysphoria became too strong to not do something about it.

[Anne K]

For me, it was when I realized that when I was going out in public, it wasn't some sort of fetish, or merely liking a particular kind of clothes, but rather that the driving influence on my enjoying going out in public as a woman was being seen and accepted as a woman. It just felt right! And it felt personally validating. It didn't matter if I was just getting groceries at the store, and some random passer-by addressed me properly as miss or ma'am, or if some stranger complemented my nails, or even if no one spoke to me at all, but I was permitted to shop for women's things without someone questioning why I was in the women's department or changing rooms. It was when I realized cisgender female friends clearly thought of me as a woman, and were not just being polite and socially correct in addressing me. And the final kicker was when I realized I decidedly preferred interacting socially as a woman.

Exactly how i felt when i realized my path.

[Sara Olivia]

Literally my entire life (from about the age of four maybe five). However, it took me nearly fifty years to find the courage to finally pursue what I'd known since early childhood.

[OCCarly]

When I was five. I made three attempts at transition prior to this one, at 19, 26 and 35. I pretty much always knew. I kept burying it after each failed transition, but it kept coming back.

I’m a girl, plain and simple.

[Dorit]

Literally my entire life (from about the age of four maybe five). However, it took me nearly fifty years to find the courage to finally pursue what I'd known since early childhood.

I can almost say the same, except it took me 50 years to overcome my internalized non-acceptance of being born a transgender child. I thought I was a pervert or deviant. It also took that long for psychology and medicine to understand people like me. Once all this came together my transition went quickly.

[karoliina_j]

I am in a similar spot as you. I've known for a long time that I had an attraction to feminine things, but it has been very recently that I've started to wear underwear on a regular basis. I guess I'm taking things slowly and waiting to see how they develop. I know the thought of being female on a daily basis excites me, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go to that point yet.

[Becoming Brianna]

I've been fighting this for years (still fighting it) but I find myself more and more consistently identifying as a woman and being comfortable with that label at least within myself. I've recently realized that I'm not as attracted to the clothes as I find myself looking at an advertisement for female clothes or a woman in her daily life and I find myself more frequently thinking "I want that look (beyond clothing I mean body shape and everything) or "I want to be her." Yet I'm still so fearful.

I fear that I'd be making the wrong decision. I don't feel tremendous sadness at the thought of being male I don't know if hormones are right for me o how I'd react to taking them (sometimes I think I'd react positively others negatively) I don't feel such tremendous dissatisfaction most of the time I just feel like I would rather be a woman and interact in society as a woman because that is what suits how I perceive my social nature to be.


I don't know. It's hard to explain. I'm pretty masculine in a lot of ways. Attracted (mostly) to women, love sports (team sports not rough and tumble stuff like UFC), I'm loud, I swear a lot, etc. In other words, you likely wouldn't know my struggle unless I told you, but I have this aspect of myself this side that keeps getting stronger and needs to be expressed consistently. I don't know yet to what extent I will transition, but I do know that I need to be a woman. I feel a need to at least socially transition if not medically. I don't know about surgeries yet. Yet, part of me is like "What in the world are you doing? You shouldn't do this. You'll never make it and you'll never be able to handle that life." So I feel afraid to leave what has protected me for nearly 30 years for the uncertainty and unknown of a future that includes transition.

I also haven't sorted out the sexual component fully but all I know is that I rarely enjoy exploring that anymore because every time it just feels like a test of my identity and my thoughts and whether I'm on the right path. I find myself attracted to the idea of being female and experiencing sex as a female but sometimes it works when I think of myself in male mode as well and I still get excited sometimes by clothes (or maybe that's just a reaction caused by fear that I misinterpreted as excitement) I keep praying to God to help me accept myself as I am and not have to do this and for awhile it works but the thoughts always return. I remember reading Anne Vitale's research on Group III (Cloistered Gender Dysphoric Boys) years ago and alarm bells definitely went off. Like most Group III people, I want desperately to win this battle but I fear that I will lose and I am saddened for the people I think I will let down and hurt if and when I do actually decide to transition. I'll fight until I can fight no more but I feel like that point might be approaching soon.

I guess in a nutshell I would say I've "known" for a long time but finally accepting that knowledge and the truth of it is another much harder and time consuming process.

- - - Updated - - -


A rose takes its time to open, depending upon many factors do with with the weather and local soil. It took me a very long time to realise i needed to CD, and then only 9 months to realise my inner trans nature. Some of us have repressed our true feelings or knowings so much, and it takes time to all come out. no need to rush, let the sun and the rain help you discover how you blossom best.
xxx

I absolutely love the metaphor and imagery used here. Great post!

[ReneeW]

I think the turning point for me was when I realized that while I had often sexualized my crossdressing in the past, it as increasingly something I wanted to do in a non-sexual context, and in fact I started to be bothered by how much some men seemed to see me as little more than a fetish doll with a pulse. I started to realize that it wasn't just a niche part of my life, but actually increasingly represented who I wanted to actually be, as opposed to just an outlet. Over time I began to understand that I felt more free and natural as a woman than I ever had as a man, which is when I began to genuinely understand the dysphoria I had always felt, but never understood, about certain aspects of myself.

[Gerrijerry]

I knew when my wife said you know everyone things you are a female dressed as a male. Every time we ate out we were always addressed as ladies. No matter where we went we were addressed as lades. I had seen a counselor for several years and knew I was TS. I was total comfortable dressed as a woman. My wife and counselor suggested that it was time to transition. That was when I realized I was only happy as a woman so I saw the doctor to start the process, then transitioned with doctors in Canada . Thankfully my wife decided to stay as a couple. I am sure I was one of the lucky ones.

[Jeninus]

As several other respondents here, and as almost all the people I know who are transgender, I knew before the age of 5. Throughout my childhood and early adulthood I kept this knowledge strictly to myself. There was no information available. The word "transgender" had not yet been invented. In the 90s I started research on-line and joined a Compuserve site to chat with other people like me. My wife became aware of my condition shortly after our marriage. However, as an attorney building a practice I felt it necessary to wait until I retired before beginning my transition. That is well underway now, nearly completed.

[DMichele]

Shelly,
I am not sure that I can establish when I was not a CDer and that I identified as near-female transgender, but I new for a long time that I was not the prototype male. I refer to this period of my life as the Twilight Zone. For me the realization occurred over time, and the internet helped me self-discover my true identity.


About the time that Laverne Cox appeared on the cover of Time magazine (2014) is when I became more clear that I was not a CDer. But I was not set on NB either, until I coined N-F TG several years later. It was like Amazing Grace - I was once lost but now I am found. As a result of coming to terms with my identity, I am happier, comfortable, unashamed and more.


Best wishes on your journey.

[Nikki A.]

I rarely post in this section but I think I'm in the same boat as some of the other posters. I never thought of myself as trans, just as a CD. My wife passed away about 12 years ago and I found myself starting to dress more after that.
At this point it is not sexual, and like some of you I just find it comfortable and right going out dressed and doing the mundane things in life. Funny thing just a few mornings ago I went into the bathroom and I saw Nikki staring back at me in the mirror bed head and all. It almost seems that I'm cross dressing when I'm in drab and am looking forward to the day when I can truly just be me.
Would I go as far as SRS, I doubt it, at my age the risks outweigh the rewards. But would I consider living as a female? The thought has intrigued me and it may be a possibility in the future.

[Nadine Spirit]

When did you know you are not just a cross-dresser and wanted to be a woman?

Personally I'd change what your wrote to ..... not just a cross-dresser and are actually just a woman.

Anywho.... when did I realize it?

Well, my stages were: child and teen - I thought I was a weirdo, 20s - I was sure it was just a sexual fetish, early 30s - I was sure I was a transvestite, late 30s - I called myself a cross dresser, 40s - I identified as non-binary, about 45 (2 years ago) - I realized I am simply a woman.

What caused me to finally accept things? I had convinced my urologist I had a prostate problem, even though he found nothing, he gave me a drug that I requested, which has possible side effects of breast growth, I was thrilled until he told me he was taking me off of it. I had a panic attack, my first ever, and realized I was avoiding reality, I finally got myself a therapist who specializes in gender variance, and a Dr who heard 5 minutes of my story and started writing me a scrip for HT. I agreed to "try" it out, but was noncommittal about it all. By the end of that first day on HT, I realized all of the folly of my life attempting to deny who I really am.

[Aprilrain]

For me it is one day at a time sorta thing. Don't get me wrong I'm SOOOO glad I transitioned, There are days I wish I hadn't HAD TO transition. Sometimes I look at my body still see some masculine features and get depressed about it. Occasionally, about once or twice a year it seems, I get sired on the phone. Four times since I started transition have I been "clocked" by a stranger, at least that I know of because they said something to me.
Any of these scenarios and a thousand more could potentially plunge me into GD and depression for days.

Its not all doom and gloom, Most of the time I'm completely comfortable with myself especially now that I've lost a bunch of weight. I'm 143 LBS and wear smalls and mediums in most brands for most things, except bras. how is it that the bra is an extra large and fits and the dress is a small and fits? and yes they were both the same brand! I swear womens clothing sizes defy sizing logic, standardization and anymore, honesty. I'm basically Olive Oyl (youngsters, use the google) tall, skinny and lanky with big feet, there's no way I'm "small" !!

If you want to know when I decided to transition, I was 34, going on 35. I can remember thinking at 19 that I was too old to transition! I was mistaken however, I'm probably glad I didn't transition back then because we were not at all cool when I was a kid! Things were not like they are now. Heck, things aren't like they were when I started this process 8-9? years ago! I think the turning point for us was Kaitlyn Jenner. I rather preferred being invisible and under the radar then all of a sudden, overnight, everyone in America has an opinion about where I pee!
They don't want to know MY opinion about where it is I should pee!

It started much like any other day, with yet another fight between myself and my spouse. She said I was useless and for as long as I live I will never forget those words or the vitriol with which they were spoken. She left the house so I packed my shit and left. I had no thoughts of transition when I left but by the next day It was all I could think about.
It was now or never, I didn't want to be in my 60s and finally deciding to live my life. It was transition or bust for me from that point until I had bottom surgery October of 15. that knocked me on my ass for about a year but Since then I'd been on a campaign to find a man which payed off a year and half ago when I met who was to become my husband.

When I started this process I wasn't sure about a lot of things but only because of the massive internalized homophobia and transphobia that I have from the way I grew up. I wasn't sure I wanted bottom surgery even! My life today wouldn't be possible if I hadn't transitioned. I'd still be that sad, angry, depressed and increasingly bitter guy, emotionally and spiritually stunted from always being on the outside looking in.

My transition has by no means been perfect and I had no idea how much I would learn. I couldn't begin to fathom what my life would become. I would have sold myself short If I'd picked on that first day!
Anything and everything about transition can be an ongoing process, even self acceptance.
I can say this much, all my doubts and fears about transition come rushing right back in when the demons are chewing on my sanity.

[Katya@]

Anywho.... when did I realize it?

Well, my stages were: child and teen - I thought I was a weirdo, 20s - I was sure it was just a sexual fetish, early 30s - I was sure I was a transvestite, late 30s - I called myself a cross dresser, 40s - I identified as non-binary, about 45 (2 years ago) - I realized I am simply a woman.

My path looks scarily similar minus the transvestite part. 30s - crossdresser. Late 30s non-binary. I wonder about 40s Nadine....I still cling to non binary. There is nothing yet to tip the scale decidedly to a woman side. Even being on hormones, and enjoying more feminine body (minus the bottom part that doesn't cause me any dysphoria). It is definitely a journey...

[Robertacd]

I may be just beginning my journey here but...

By the time I was 12 I knew I was a girl inside and I knew I could never tell anyone... Ever.

So I spent the last 40 years lying to myself most of all.