A dilemma what to do, because I was caught by a woman I know

[Karmen]

I was never really bothered to be seen by random women when buying female clothes or shoes, but yesterday I was caught by a woman I know who lives just down the street where I live. I was buying clothes in a big department store in the city about 50 miles from my home where I never seen any familiar faces and I didn't expect to be caught by anyone I know, but this time it happened. A woman from my neighbourhood saw me in the fitting room on all female floor and I was holding bunch of female clothes in my hands and I was wearing female jeans and female boots with 1,5 inch fat heels, a unisex wig with longer hair and some light makeup, so she had to know what I was up to. She recognised me right away, even I changed my appearance a little. She said hello to me with a smile on her face. I was really confused, but managed to say hello back. Before I could say anything else, she left the fitting room and went towards the cash desk. Should I contact her since I know where she lives or just let it be and hope she won't tell to anyone who matters to me?

[Ressie]

That must have been a devastating shock! Are you sure she knew it was you? I'm thinking she will tell (or already has) at least one person, maybe more. There may be an unconfirmed rumor going around soon. I wouldn't say anything to anyone at this point but only you can decide what to do, as I don't know your entire situation.

[Lydianne]

Thank goodness she left before you had a chance to dig yourself into a deeper hole. It takes a special kind of skill to spit in someone's face and tell them in the moment with any kind of success that it's raining.. Unless you're a Jedi, then yeah, you missed the opportunity to have used the force.

When I got caught, I pushed the button and told the person flippantly to tell whomever they like. They didn't ( or at least, it appears so ). Anyway, two outcomes could happen:

Either she tells everyone --and I assume it wouldn't be materially costly to you because you will have done your risk assessment--, and you'll be out and have your freedom, since you say you're not bothered about randoms..

or

She'll keep it to herself, and the status quo will remain.

Regardless of what you do, the final decision is in her hands.

- Lydianne.

[Sarah Louise]

Are you 100% sure she recognised you and didn't simply catch the eye of a random cross-dresser who happened to be in the same changing room? People do say hello to strangers. Alternatively she might have thought it was you but wasn't sure.

Anyway, assuming you're 100% sure, I would think she's less likely to tell anyone if you ask her not too. No guarantees though and if she does tell, you can always deny it. Where's the proof?

[Karmen]

Yes, it was quite a shock. It made my knees go soft and shaky. I can't be sure if she recognised me or not, but it seems like she did. She said hello. I don't think she would said that to random stranger in the store. But I don't know her really. I only saw her in front of her house and in a local grocery store a few times in the past and we never really spoke about anything. She is always nicely dressed and wears heels, so I remembered her because of that.

It wouldn't be materially costly to me and I don't think it would impact me at work, but it would be a big embarrassment for me and would probably impact my social life as well.

Your suggestion is to wait to see what happens? Yes, it's her work against mine, if she tells.

[~Renee~]

You are assuming she knows it's you. Perhaps that is true or not. You don't know.
Does she know your voice? I know all my neighbors but I couldn't tell their voice as I'm not with them all the time.

You have a choice say yeah and forever change your destiny or completely ignore the fact and don't react at all. It depends on your bravery and desires. Personally keeping quiet and saying nothing and outright dismissing any future comments keeps you in control. Unless she snapped a picture of you all she's got is a memory. It would be pretty easy for you over the next few days to grow out facial hair. Also if no one knew you where in the distant place how can they be sure it was you? I do not think people will blow you up on suspicion it was you. Even if they were "certain" it was you, how certain would they be if you say zip to them.

If this is a relatively close neighbors, like next door, your options are a bit different regarding their certainty.

You basically have three choices, if asked confirm or deny. If never asked then there is no need to say anything. Silence is your best option from what you've said.

Good luck.

[Macey]

No much you can do one this. If she were close, I suppose you could talk to her, but since you hardy know her and she hardly knows you then at worst she'll tell her family. "oh, guess what, know that guy that lives down the street? … "

At worst, I'd think you'd get an odd look or two and nothing more.

I suppose you could 'pre-emptively' tell everyone in your social circles and all, but you may be spilling info that wouldn't otherwise comes to light, so that would really be about you wanting to 'come out' anyway.

Anyway, it's not any one else's business. You dress how you want to dress, and tell whom you want to tell.

[Karmen]

She didn't take a picture, I'm sure. She had clothes in her hands. Phone was probably in her purse. My voice was shaky and more like a loud whisper than a normal voice, so she probably wouldn't recognised it even if she knows it. I guess keeping quiet and waiting what happens is best for now. I'm not ready to come out right now, so telling everyone by myself is not an option.

[kimdl93]

I'd let it go for a while...see if anything at all happens. I wouldn't contact her unless she reaches out to you

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Karmen :hugs:, The ball is in her court now, The next move is up to her. >Orchid ..O:daydreaming:O..

[NancySue]

Yes..one never knows. It’s a small world. We had a similar experience. Living in a small, nosy town, we often go to places far away. A few months ago, we were leaving a restaurant and saw a couple we knew. Unlike your experience, we were not seen, but it shook us up...a lot. Getting caught would be a personal, social and possible economic disaster. We’ve cooled our heels ever since...frustrating, to say the least.

[Catherine_B]

At the end of the day, you were doing nothing wrong / illegal / criminal, YOU were being YOU, personally I think you are over thinking this one X

[Cheryl T]

I would wait and see...
Next time you see her be cordial and see if she broaches the subject. Otherwise I would just chalk it up to circumstance.

[Lux]

Based on what I read I completely feel she did not recognize you. Especially when I later read where you wrote; “I don’t know her really” and have only had a few brief encounters with her. Also given the fact that you were far from home, had make up and a wig on, she would have extreme difficulty placing you there. My best guess is that she is open minded, made you out as “Trans” and gave you a big hello since she was happy to see you there (not recognizing you). That would also explain why she left without further conversation as she had given you her ‘support’ and moved on. I think you’re good!

[Tracii G]

Do nothing and if she did tell someone the burden of proof is on her.
Had that happen a long time ago with an old high school friend and she told her husband who I do know.
I was not out at the time and he asked me about being dressed as a woman.
I acted like what he said was a joke and passed it off and went on to another subject.He asked again 5 minutes later and I said you were being serious?
He said yeah Betty told me she saw you in womens clothes and a wig.
I responded with "Oh yeah I dress in drag all the time". He laughed and said yeah right she must have been drinking.
I never heard another word.

I'm betting she didn't recognize you because if she did she would have not left the store.
Women are too inquisitive and have to find out all the details.

[Karmen]

I hope you're right about that and it was not more than a friendly hello to a stranger. I will definitely follow your advice and do nothing and wait what happens. When I see her next time in the store or on the street, I'll definitely be prepared if she approaches and starts a conversation about this matter.

[Stephanie47]

I find many women are cordial to other women when shopping. Men tend to ignore those around themselves. The 'hello' may have been nothing more than a cordial acknowledgement of her encounter with you. If you have noticed her in the neighborhood because she dresses smartly that does not mean she has noticed you. If you run off to her and introduce yourself to her, "Hey, I am the cross dresser you met at the mall," then you eliminate all doubt. Even if she did recognize you that does not mean she is going to start knocking on the doors in the neighborhood and spreading her assumptions about "The guy down the block wears women's clothing."

I have to somewhat chuckle at these chance encounters because they do occur. All the planning in the world goes out the window. Six decades ago when brother went on a class field trip he met our cousin from another state in the head dress of the Statue of Liberty. Another time my son-in-law was sitting with me and our family at the ball park, Safeco Field. Two rows in front of us was his next door neighbor from Chicago. You never know!

[carhill2mn]

I would not initiate any contact with her. Just let be as an encounter that happened.

[Karmen]

I guess sometimes we just don't recognise the constant danger of getting outed when we go out dressed and think we are safe in foreign environment.

But what is safer option when we go out shopping? Going in drab or slightly disguised and hope you don't get in the situation I was yesterday or go out fully dressed, full makeup and a wig? At least I can't bled in when dressed and would be spotted as a crossdresser instantly, but probably I could avoid being recognised by people I know when wearing full makeup, glasses and a female wig when they're passing by me. But on the other hand, with all the cameraphones out there, what is the chance some random teenager takes a photo or video of you fully dressed and post it on the internet for everyone to see? In a good photo someone could recognise you after all.

[Crissy 107]

I agree with others and just let it go. Deal with it if something ever comes up, I do think it may have been a random hello.

[Robertacd]

You said it was a woman you know. Are you friends?

It would appear that you are not that close of friends if all she said was "hi".

So you might have been the subject of that evening's gossip, she has probably moved on, you should too.

[Ressie]

Do nothing. Pretend it didn't happen.

If she confronts you in the future about it, deny it was you. If (for some odd reason) she really insists that it was you, Just say, "yeah it was me, so what?"

That's the way I would handle this anyway. Good luck.

[ShelbyDawn]

Karmen,

I feel your concern. While I can't tell you what to do in your case, I will share that when my ex and I divorced, she told everybody she could about my dressing. I opted to take the high road and just kept on being me.
I was a scout master at my son's troop and several of the other adults quickly distanced themselves from me and I knew word was spreading.
Many of those relationships are still fractured, but I decided I was there for the scouts and kept showing up and doing what needed to be done.
I left them with the choice of believing a very bitter ex wife, or looking at my performance.
In the final analysis, to this day, none of them know for sure. The ones that are still my friends, have probably forgotten and decidedly do not care if its boxers, briefs, or panties.
The ones that aren't, never were in the first place, and who cares what they think anyway.

Hang in there.

[April Rose]

Karmen, did she indicate that she knew you, or did she just say "hello"?

I ask this because because of something that happened to me, just a week or so ago. My neighbor moved in next door about a dozen years ago. I have borrowed a power tool from him a few times, and I once signed off on a zoning variance he needed. Our relationship is cordial, but other than that we don't hang out or socialize, and we have very different schedules so I seldom see him around. So when I ran into him at the grocery store I almost didn't speak to him, because I didn't recognize him out of the context in which I usually see him. He didn't appear to recognize me either, until I spoke to him by name.

She may not have recognized you. A wig plus fifty miles distance may well have kept her from putting two and two together.

[docrobbysherry]

Yet another reason to not try on things in thrift stores! Besides the long waits for try on/rest rooms.:doh:

I was caught once with a basket of women's things in a nearby Goodwill by a family friend. I simply said they were things for our girls. :battingeyelashes:

As long as you're not wearing them, u could just as easily say they were for; a friend, aunt, comedy show, out of town relative, etc., etc.:thumbsup:

[alwayshave]

Karmen , First of all you were not caught. You are only caught when you are doing something wrong. I'm not sure whether to contact the women. I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

[Patience]

Quiet dignity is the way to go. You owe nothing. No apologies, either.

[Eemz]

You'll just have to wait it out. She could also be a nice person and decide to respect your privacy. They do exist :)
I'm guessing nothing will happen.

The main thing, as Patience said, is that you need to carry on behaving exactly like a person who hasn't done anything wrong. Because you haven't. If she meets you and you're freaking out like someone who was caught with their pants down while robbing the till, then she will follow that cue and the whole thing explodes. And if she didn't know she certainly does now. But if you're a perfectly normal person, well that's a different dynamic entirely. You can either brazen it out - wasn't me, never happened, as others have suggested - or go with the truth - yes, that was me and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone because a lot of people would not understand (you're also telling her you believe that she's a good person and therefore will understand). I don't know you so I don't know which way will work for you. But the truth is an option, and you could make a friend.

But yes. Sit tight and see how it plays out.

[Barbara Jo]

I found out a long time ago that when someone sees you in a position /wearing something you are not supposed to be wearing ...to just say or do nothing .
The next time that you see them act like saw they nothing out of the ordinary the last time that they saw you and do not even mention it.

Chances are, they have a few things to hide themselves and and often have live and let live attitude..... and are somewhat relieved that you dd not bring it up.

Human nature being what it is, if you act like you are doing nothing wrong, they will think the same thing . :)

[Diane Smith]

I once bumped into a business acquaintance and her husband in a local store. This was someone I worked with closely on an annual project for a few days each year, but who worked in a different department in a building across campus, so I didn't often see her in between those times. Despite my being completely dressed and made up, she recognized me immediately. We had a brief conversation about work and her family, completely normal and cordial. Surprisingly, I managed to stay completely calm. I didn't say anything to her about keeping my secret, but absolutely nothing ever happened as a result. We continued to work together from time to time for two or three years until she moved out of state, and nothing further was ever said about that meeting.

So for Karmen, I think the odds are with you. I'd advise just staying quiet about the whole incident, but don't lie if it ever comes up in the future. The longer time passes and the meeting fades into both parties' memories, the less damage it can do.

- Diane

[Maria in heels]

Karmen...I too am from the "wait and see" crowd. Maybe it was just because you were looking at her that she countered with a "hello" as she went past? Since you don't really know her except for a couple of passings locally, and you say that you remember her because of her "heels" it may be just that. I think its best to just wait and see, and short of a few whispers there may not be anything said even if she did recognize you...

[lingerieLiz]

I wouldn't bring it up. I've lived in several places and been caught in all of them. Including where I live now. While the person/people had seen me they didn't spread it or treat me any different. I do have one neighbor who told someone about me, but he told them didn't bother him. I've been buying lingerie when I ran into someone I knew. I just acted like it was an everyday thing. I did have a girl I wanted to date that introduced me to her dad that we met at the women's store where I bought all my clothes. Took her out several times after that.

[Jean. Ann]

My opinion : you were doing nothing illegal or wrong .
With all the crazy bad things going on , who would really
care what you. choose to wear ?
Just ignore it and go on !

JAS

[MonicaPVD]

My advice: Do not engage her about the incident. There's a very good chance that she will not tell anyone. If she does, consider this: She is going to tell people that she was in a store 50 miles from your hometown and saw you dressed as a woman! If someone told me that they were at a store in a whole other city and saw my father or brother or uncle dressed as a woman, and no one knows them to be crossdressers, my automatic reaction would be, "Highly unlikely. You must have seen someone who looked like him". That's the end of it. If you engage her and she turns out to be a jerk, now you just added a whole new element of credibility to her story. Ignore. Deny, if asked. Move on.

[SaraLin]

Just a thought...

You recognized her, and were probably giving her a more than a casual glance.
She might have just picked up on that and just politely said "hi" to the woman who was looking at her.
There might have been no recognition at all.

I'd let it pass. Odds are you're safe.

[BettyMorgan]

"But I don't know her really."....
Then why assume she's a gossip and wants to ruin your life?
Assume instead, she thought you looked great wished more men were as brave and modern as you. : )

What's your alternative? Asking a woman you don't really know to forget what she saw and lie for you?

Don't worry so much.

[Beverley Sims]

Just let the matter slide and see if there is any reaction later.

I have thought that people recognised me at times but nothing has ever happened and when meeting up later there was not a clue of any recognition.

[Teresa]

Karmen,
Been in this sitaution a couple of times , the best thing is to let it go .

I was in a costume /fancy dress shop , the SA told me she had a jacket that had been left for alterations and never been collected , I was just checking it out in a full length mirror when a very good family friend and also one of my wedding couples I had photographed saw me with her daughter . She immediately asked what was I doing wearing a lady's jacket , I told her straight I was TG and was born like it . She started to say I really must tell my husband , he will think it's funny , with that she left the shop . The SA just shook her head saying , " Hasn't she any common sense ?" I never did hear anymore but I certainly didn't contact her . The outcome was I did buy the jacket .

[Petra Lynn]

Just let it go, bringing it up could just turn a nonissue into an issue. About a year ago I was shopping at a mall about 20 miles from home en femme. Walking through the mall I walked past a friend’s wife, yes she knows me and would recognize me in male mode. As I walked pest her she looked me and smiled, not sure if I was clocked as a cross dresser or if she recognized me. I’ve seen both of them many times since them and nothing has come up.

Lynn

[Lana Mae]

I agree with Lux! This lady, if she remembers you, knows you as a male, right! Well, with the wig etc. you don,t exactly look so much like you! I would do nothing and let it pass by! Hugs Lana Mae

[ambigendrous]

In truth - you weren't "caught" by a woman you know; you may have been seen by a woman you know...

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Contacting her could only make things worse. If you see her in the street, I would wait for her to make the first move. If she does approach you, then be friendly, see what she says, and respond accordingly.

[Vickie_CDTV]

With a wig and makeup, and being in a dressing room, you are kind of busted. If she recognized you, game over. If you need to keep your secret, I wouldn't mention it to her, and hope she didn't recognize you. If she did recognize you, hopefully she will let it go and not mention it.

[sometimes_miss]

Do nothing. Pretend it didn't happen. If she confronts you in the future about it, deny it was you.
^best way at current moment. Now, unless you WANT to be out to her, you're going to have to remove ANY other evidence that you're a crossdresser. That means no underdressing, no nail polish, no manicures, no stockings, NOTHING that might confirm what she suspects.


If (for some odd reason) she really insists that it was you, Just say, "yeah it was me, so what?"
Coming on aggressively won't work in this situation UNLESS you want an enemy.



Karmen...I too am from the "wait and see" crowd. Maybe it was just because you were looking at her that she countered with a "hello" as she went past? Since you don't really know her except for a couple of passings locally, and you say that you remember her because of her "heels" it may be just that. I think its best to just wait and see, and short of a few whispers there may not be anything said even if she did recognize you...
^this. PLUS, it all depends on her tone of voice and behavior when she approached you. An innocent 'hello' said in different ways means different things. Only you know what that smile meant. Remember, women almost instinctively smile as a response to others, where as men usually just nod as acknowledging another person's presence when they recognize them.


My advice: Do not engage her about the incident. There's a very good chance that she will not tell anyone. If she does, consider this: She is going to tell people that she was in a store 50 miles from your hometown and saw you dressed as a woman!
^this could be a perfect way out for you, if you insist on going the route of denying you were ever there.
The fact that it was 50 miles away helps, especially if you are of common height, build and weight. Plenty of people look similar to someone else, and you WERE en femme, so you definitely looked different from how you normally appear. Did you talk back to her? And if you did, are you sure that she knows what your voice sounded like BEFORE that incident?

All of this will depend upon if she approaches you back in your own neighborhood, and then, it will all depend on how she does so. It will be up to you to interpret what her motives are, all by the way she approaches you and how she speaks when it happens.

[Pumped]

It is very possible she did not even recognize you. She might have seen a familiar face, but did not connect it with anyone she knew. I have had it happen myself, run into someone without their work uniform on, cap or no cap, just wearing something different than what I normally see them in and I just can't figure out why I know them.

[Ressie]

If (for some odd reason) she really insists that it was you, Just say, "yeah it was me, so what?"


Coming on aggressively won't work in this situation UNLESS you want an enemy.

Depends on how you say it, tone of voice etc. I didn't intend for that to come out sounding aggressive! But to me she would be abrasive by insisting that she saw me in the store. If it came down to that I would own up to it and make light of it. The message would be that crossdressing isn't a big deal.

[Judy-Somthing]

I would say just do your best to enjoy the ride, of life!

[Karmen]

^best way at current moment. Now, unless you WANT to be out to her, you're going to have to remove ANY other evidence that you're a crossdresser. That means no underdressing, no nail polish, no manicures, no stockings, NOTHING that might confirm what she suspects.

I don't understand why should I stop underdressing or wearing pantyhose? She is just a woman who lives down the street and occasionally sees me on the street or in local grocery shop. She can't tell me to take my clothes off to prove I'm not a crossdresser, especially somewhere in public.

[Robertacd]

She is just a woman who lives down the street and occasionally sees me on the street or in local grocery shop.

Exactly, so it's time to move on. I am willing to bet she has already forgotten about it.

[Karmen]

I'm happy I listened your advice and didn't confront her about my dressing habits. I saw her yesterday in a local supermarket and nothing indicated that she knows about my crosdressing. Or at least she decided not to talk about that. I made sure I was standing behind her at the cash desk. It was hello like usually and a brief neighbourly small talk while we waited. At one moment I saw her eyes checking what I'm wearing, but that could just be her interest in clothes, since she is always dressed sharply. I didn't notice any other differences in her behaviour than usually.

[Macey]

All's well that ends well. If you were closer with each other and/or you knew she recognized you, that might be different. For me, I'm bad with faces out of context and would be hard pressed to recognize someone in a random store 50 miles away.

[emma30]

I wanted to jpin in on this one. Two things can happen either she might be a person that keeps secrets or not. The first then your ok and if its the second and she gossips then maybe your plan b can be outing yourself anyway and be very positve about it. You cant lose if everyone accepts it at some point in fact if they do it makes life a lot easier long term. Just my thoughts xx

[Sallee]

I think you are reading to much into it. So she thinks she recognized you. What will she do with it? I am guessing nothing. It happened to me once a friend recognized my car and asked me several days lady Who was driving my car it looked like my sister, which I don't have. I said I don't know and then changed the subject. Nothing ever came of it.
Honestly I wouldn't worry about it and don't over think it just let it slide. If you see here again and she mentions it you can deny it, admit to it or say the clothing was for a friend. I might admit to it just to see where it goes.

[TracyT]

God, this whole thread is really depressing. Here's a crazy idea: You smile, engage with her, tell her it's nice to see her, and say Yes, I'm gender-fluid and I enjoy shopping for women's clothes. Every response I've read on this thread -- deny, pretend it didn't happen, pray she doesn't tell anyone -- perpetuates the idea that a man enjoying being feminine is shameful, something to be hidden away and denied at all costs.
As long as gender-fluid people keep hiding and promoting these attitudes, how can you expect the rest of the world to change?

[Lindsay blonde locks]

This. ^ Good message!

[Stephanie47]

Tracy, you have a valid point. Karman was asking what are her options. Since Karman's experience is in the past tense there are only future options, and, there are comments to just acknowledge what she is if another encounter occurs.