Out of the closet–a bit… - a week later

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

So yesterday I had my weekly work-out with C., my Pilates instructor to whom I came out (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25629) to last week. As requested, I brought a half-dozen photos of myself en femme. C. said she thought I looked nice and complimented me on a couple of my wigs.

We talked about my crossdressing during the rest of the session -- albeit it was a bit of fragmented conversation, since it was I was trying to talk and work-out at the same time. Her questions were what you might expect: Did my friends and family know? Where did I go out? What did I do when I was out? Did I ever want to be a woman? What about dating? Did I have a femme name? And so on. She did like my analogy of crossdressers taking a "gender vacation," which seemed to resonate with her.

C. seemed genuinely curious and puzzled by how deeply in the closet we are or why partners might have such trouble with. "What's the big deal?" she said. I'm sure she's got more questions -- and there's a couple points I wanted raise -- so I'm looking forward to our next session. The thing is... I'm sure she doesn't fully "get" it, but she doesn't need to. She's OK with it regardless.

In a bit of apropos timing, during the drive home that evening, I heard Terry Gross on "Fresh Air" interview actor Peter Dinklage (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0227759/), best known for his starring role in "The Station Agent." (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0340377/) Much of interview dealt with Dinklage's dwarfism, and I really liked a number Dinklage's comments, which were to the effect that it's something that he deals with from time to time as part of his life, but it doesn't define him.

[Shelly Preston]

Thanks for the update Marlena

Im sure C will keepning you busy with questions.
I also happen to think that it may be another part of educating society.
If she does finally understand it may be another convert in wanting to be properly understood by the wider public.

Best Wishes

[Sophia Rearen]

Marlena,
That's nice. It's always great to have an open relationship with a GG friend. One of mine just won't stop asking me the "why" question. Why do you do it? What does it do for you? How does it make you feel?
Pick a day, a time, a moment and my answers will vary.

[sherri]

Marlena, I assume that you have not yet outed to very many people, and would be interested in hearing about why you chose this particular person in whom to confide. While I have gone out in public quite a bit, I have never confided in someone I know personally, but for the first time I have been experiencing a desire to do so. Please keep us posted as your dialog progresses.

[uknowhoo]

Very cool, Marlena. The more we can reach out and help others understand, they better off we'll all be - individually and collectively. Soon, we will well on our way to world domination, mwaa ha ha ha ha.!! Oops, sorry, kinda got carried away for a sec.:o Seriously, I love to hear anecdotes like this, I know how good it feels to come out to an accepting GG. Do keep us posted, please.

If I may also offer a response to Sherri question. In the past year or so, I have come out to my two closest GG friends. Both have been wonderful and supportive. While it may sound crazy, coming out to them was in some ways more liberating than going out anonymously en femme. The reason I chose those two dear ladies was because I had known them to be compassionate, open-minded, and accepting. Their reactions and support only confirmed my impressions. It is truly a wonderful gift to have them in my life. I wish all of you could give yourselves a gift such as this.

Hugs,

Tammi

[CharlaineCadence]

it feel great to be out doesnt it. like a breth of fresh air. hope you live happier now. i know i am

[Julie Avery]

Just wanna chime in to say how much I enjoyed this post. I'd like to be "out" to more people, without making a mess of things, and it helps me, to see accounts like this.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Marlena, I assume that you have not yet outed to very many people, and would be interested in hearing about why you chose this particular person in whom to confide.

Sherri, you're correct, C. is the only one from my "ordinary" life who knows about my crossdressing. (There are other people who know, but they're folks I met through CDing.) But if you read my original post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25629), I didn't really come out to me as much as she asked me about it. That said, I obviously was subconsciously dropping enough hints that she decided to ask. As far as why C.? We do have an excellent rapport, but OTOH, our time together is limited -- an hour per week, so in that sense it may have felt safer than people I see more frequently.

As a good GG friend of mine said, it's useful to practice coming out to the salesclerks you deal with, strangers you strike up a conversation with etc. while out en femme. In other words, people who don't really know you and therefore can't really out you to friends, family and co-workers. (Obviously within reason, I am sensitive to imposing TMI on someone, but let's be honest, I doubt that in up-close conversation en femme that I'm mistaken for a GG.)

Probably one reason I was comfortable being honest with C. when she asked is that the previous weekend I'd gone out to a local drag show with my friend (who really likes them). It turns out the bartenders also did drag occasionally and while one of them was showing his photos, I took the opportunity to say that I was a CD. Needless to say they're cool with it and they're looking forward to seeing me attend next month's show en femme.

As far as telling my other friends, I'm considering it. But one complication is that a number of them work in the same field as I do, so there's just the worry that it might have professional repercussions. To be honest, intellectually I doubt that it would -- as demonstrated by Lacey Leigh's experience (http://www.laceyleigh.com/Commentary.html) at professional conference after being outed by a business rival. (See the "Reunion" section of the page.) But as I'm sure many of you know, getting your gut to accept what you know in your head can be tough.

To be honest, while it was perhaps initially uncomfortable for Lacey, I'm a bit envious -- it did deal with the issue in one fell swoop. (And best of all it completely backfired on her rival.)

[VeronicaMoonlit]

[QUOTE=Marlena Dahlstrom after being outed by a business rival. (See the "Reunion" section of the page.) )[/QUOTE]

It was no business rival, but Laura Blake on USENET. I was there. Laura outed Lacey to every newsgroup related to Lacey's work that she could. And yes, it did backfire, not just among Lacey's professional colleagues, but most of the CD/TG/TS USENET community. I will never forgive Laura for what she did and shudder every time I see Laura's name.


Veronica

[Rachel Morley]

As a good GG friend of mine said, it's useful to practice coming out to the salesclerks you deal with, strangers you strike up a conversation with etc. while out en femme. In other words, people who don't really know you and therefore can't really out you to friends, family and co-workers.
What an awesome idea! Marlena, every time I read one of your posts or get a PM from you, you always say something that makes me feel a tiny bit motivated to take my cding a little bit further....and this time it's speaking openly in public to sales clerks for practice :)

I totally agree with what ooh Tammi said about how good it feels to come out to an accepting GG. It feels like you've won the lottery! They don't have to partcipate, just being accepting and encouraging is more than enough....and I mean regular GG friends not necessarily one's that you are in a relationship with.

Anyway, I'm so glad you are keeping us informed, and sharing this personal window on your life. :notworthy:

Thanks
Angel

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It was no business rival, but Laura Blake on USENET. I was there. Laura outed Lacey to every newsgroup related to Lacey's work that she could.

Thanks for the clarification, I was reading between the lines of Lacey's story and drew the wrong conclusion.


....and this time it's speaking openly in public to sales clerks for practice :)

Hmm...I think Marla's going to hold you to account on that one. :dom:

[Rachel Morley]

Originally Posted by Angel Darling....and this time it's speaking openly in public to sales clerks for practice.

Hmm...I think Marla's going to hold you to account on that one. :dom:
Err...:o ....you know us so well. It's true Marla has been pushing me to be more "open" in public whilest en femme. Last month she suggested we go to the coast for a day trip with me totally en femme ....not even a boy bag of clothes for back up....I chickened out! We did go but I was en drab.

[sherri]

As a good GG friend of mine said, it's useful to practice coming out to the salesclerks you deal with, strangers you strike up a conversation with etc. while out en femme. In other words, people who don't really know you and therefore can't really out you to friends, family and co-workers.
I've been doing that as well, and was more aggressive about it this past weekend than I've ever been. But you know, it's a quantum leap from a nameless sales clerk or bartender to a person of some consequence in your life.

Up until recently I had been dating a woman who knows me well in other respects, who is fairly openminded in the bedroom, etc etc. I really, really wanted to tell her about Sherri, but just couldn't quite get myself to do it. Knowing her as I do, I figure there's a 50-50 chance she would be cool, and even if she didn't care for it, I'm reasonably sure she would honor the confidentiality. Still, I just couldn't do it. Whatever it is inside me that locks up is a powerful thing. The funny thing is, I wouldn't even be ashamed of her knowing ... it must be a deep-seated fear of others - namely my kids and coworkers - ever finding out. What's worse, in this particular situation I can't tell whether I'm being rational or irrational! And it's driving me crazy wondering why she never asked me why my legs are shaved!



But one complication is that a number of them work in the same field as I do, so there's just the worry that it might have professional repercussions. To be honest, intellectually I doubt that it would -- as demonstrated by Lacey Leigh's experience (http://www.laceyleigh.com/Commentary.html) at professional conference after being outed by a business rival. (See the "Reunion" section of the page.) But as I'm sure many of you know, getting your gut to accept what you know in your head can be tough.
I know there is a certain element of risk in my public outings, but it is a very calculated risk that so far has been handled well. Okay, maybe there's been some luck and/or divine providence involved as well, I dunno. But the bottom line for me is, I have two red-blooded hetero sons to whom I am very close and who would, I am certain, be embarrassed and devastated by this knowledge. I fear at a gut level that it would forever blemish our relationships, and that I cannot accept. There is no trade off worth that. The other situations - embarrassment in the community, problems at work, whatever - maybe I could accomodate them some way, but not my family.