I hate it when this happens

[Jennaie]

I have always felt that dressing was just something I liked doing. I have to say that I enjoy some of things being male affords me. But now I am back at the question "Who am I".

I have taken these gender test in the past and felt that maybe I chose the answers that I wanted to hear because I liked dressing so much. But I have, in the past week taken two more gender identity test and I played them out just as I saw them. If they ask me what I prefered, backpacking or sitting and reading a romance novel, I was straight forward, Backpacking. I took another test that was impossible to tell what answer would produce an outcome of either male or female.

In both of these test I was told that I am a female or class 4 probable transexual and that I need counseling.

This is what bothers me so much. I have seen other crossdressers who said that they would never take hormones, or have surgery only to find out years later that they are now post-op.

This makes me wonder about the progression of this female side of me. When I was young, about 6 or 7, I began dressing, it was panties and stockings then, on and off over the following years until I was almost 40. Then I began dressing fully. The first time I dressed fully with wig, makeup, shoes, etc.. I sudddenly had a peaceful feeling come over me.

At that point the sexual feelings that I used to get with panties were no longer what I dressed for. I dressed to feel that peaceful feeling. It was a whole new world for me.

I purged everything about 4 years ago and did not dress at all because I was living with my girlfriend and knew that it simply would not work.

I have been single in my apt for over a year now and tried very hard not to dress. I made about 6 months.

One good thing about all this is that I have come to appreciate my female side. I realize that I have a very strong female side and love to express it. When I am dressed fem, I am totally fem, with all the desires that go along with it.

I don't hate my male side or my male parts, If I could be female in all respects I would prefer it to being male.

Crap, I hate it when this happens. I need counseling and can't afford it. I hate this.

[sparks]

I can kinda relate because that's the main reason why I stopped dressing! I couldn't tell anymore what I wanted and there was always a call for more and more! I thought at the time I had my wife's acceptance and maybe that's what caused me to become further obscess with dressing! What scared me was no end in sight! So to end the feuding and crying and also my insecurities I stopped! It always resufaces though all the feeling for dressing! I just try to shut them down as best I can! Not always healthy feeling!
I don't know I don't want to give up male life I just want to look feminine! Now where does that stop and start! That's I guess why I'm here! I can't afford therapy either but there are days when I really could use it.
Talking to the girls does help for sure!

God bless and I hope you get the answers you need

Sparks

[Natalie x]

Trust yourself, Jennaie, not these tests, they are just for fun; a bit like the horoscopes in the newspapers. They try to make them seem scientific, but they are not. You have described your situation and feelings very well, I think you are in touch with yourself and know who you really are, far better than these tests. Enjoy being yourself. If you want to take it further, then get some guidance (if you want to) - if not, stay as you are. It's your life, nobody else's, and you are the best judge of what you need.

My
0.02

[Elizabeth]

Jennaie,

I agree with Grace, trust yourself. This is not some runaway train. We all choose who we are going to be in the end. It is us who determines how we feel. Therapists don't tell us we are transgendered, we tell them. Like you, I can no longer afford therapy, but I have found forums such as this one quite helpful in working through my feelings.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Danielle]

I think my opinion relates to you all here it's sometimes frustrating to see the buying gets out hand the hiding part is what I hate the most but I try to work around it.I have thrown my stuff out but that was not the answer because it came even stronger and I have come to tell myself I just like it plain and simple, Im not hurting no one and I feel my secret is not so little no more I have many friends now who understand... thanks to this site I know who I am now. ;)

[Kaye_martin]

..... "Who am I"...... Crap, I hate it when this happens. I need counseling and can't afford it. I hate this.

Jennaie: Just be yourself .... forget the therapists ..... .... I said to heck with it and started taking hormones.

kaye_martin

[Joy Carter]

I totaly agree with you hon I just know I'm at peace with myself and my desires are not the same nor as strong. I'm exploring the she in me and I'm finding that the male qualities that my SO tells me that she loves is what Joy is. She (Joy)has made me happy at last and I embrace my duality Peace And Love GoTogether

[Christina Nicole]

Jennaie,

I know where you are, I think. I have talked to a few therapists, informally. I'm pretty sure I know who am I by now and where I fit. I'm pretty sure, and the people I have spoken with agree that I'm probably a type 4 transsexual. That means that although I'd prefer to live as a woman and it would be wonderful to transition fully, people like me don't. We manage by ping ponging between being TS and TV. I can't speak for the others, but I continue this way because of family commitments.

You may also be a transsexual of the non-surgical type. That is where you manage to live in both male and female world, but the female has a stronger hold on you. If it is something you really want, then look into it more. Transition is scary, but I know a few people who have done it. They would not have had it any other way. One suggested that we transition together. It's easier if you have someone else's support. It's an attractive idea to investigate it with someone else who is in the same place as you are. You get to bounce ideas off each other. You may see that you are not where the others are.

Try contacting a local support group. Go to a few meetings and see if there is someone with the same feelings as you. If you two connect, it may be of some help to you.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[Kimberley]

I tried to put myself in a box but the longer I have been hanging out here the more I find myself resisting any kind of labelling. I know my feelings and emotions better than anyone although expressing freely them is another story. I know I have CD feelings, I hit the gate as a TS 15 years ago but refused to go through, and today I see that gate but cant quite get to it. I have quit worrying over it. What happens, happens, and I'll take things as they do.

My only thoughts to help is just keep interracting with people here.

Kimberley.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Jennaie

First of all, like the others said, forget those tests, they mean nothing. You are a person foremost, forget about labels and grades and scores and such. This is why I only want to be perceived as a person, not male or female, because trying to figure it all out and worrrying about it will get you to chasing your tail, and that gets you nowhere in a hurry.

I'm totally non-op, could be you are too, who knows? Nothing wrong with that at all, I'm sure happy as is, happy as a clam. Don't need the knife, don't need no hormones, just need to be me. I guess what I'm trying to say is this; don't worry about it all, just be happy with yourself, whichever road you choose.

Karen

[Jennaie]

Thanks so much for all of the support and thoughts girls. I really feel better after reading your replies. Sometimes I just get confused and don't know what to do with all this. Then I do something stupid, like take another gender test and get told that I need to take hormones to help me figure out what direction I need to go.

I know what direction I need to go. I still have to work for another 17 years before I can retire and becomming a woman would destroy my future as far as being able to retire goes.

I think that perhaps after I retire, if I really want to pursue this futher, that is when it will be a possibility.

As for now, I am feeling better because of your responces. I know that many of you post in the male to female forum as well as I. Sometimes I have a difficult time saying what I want to say in that forum because I know that so many have SO's who would be terrified to feel that their husbands would/could consider actually "jumping the fence" at some point in the future.

I know that if I had an SO, I would not be able to talk to her about these feelings. Another lie to protect someone I love.

It is so strange that I am visually attracted to females, yet I sit here and wonder, what would my feelings be if I were on hormones?, would my attraction to males become stronger?, and what male would want to have anything to do with me?

At my age, I have pretty much resigned to the fact that I am going to be single for the rest of my life anyway. But who knows.

Thanks for your post, all of you, they brought comfort and a smile to my face.:)