The World's a Friendlier Place than we Imagine

[abbiedrake]

My wife and I don’t have sex, and I have secretly been buying women’s clothes

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/24/my-wife-and-i-dont-have-sex-and-i-have-been-buying-womens-clothes?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

Check out the comments, especially the heads up for our little band of misfits.
The comment section proves how little concern there can be out there.
OK, admittedly it's a left wing paper but still I'll take the encouragement where I find it.
😉Abbie

[Stephanie47]

I followed the link and did read most of the comments. Although it is a column with overly sympathetic comments I do wonder if the Brit's are more reserved in expressing their feelings on a sensitive subject. I can only speculate as to what the comments would be if this was an American newspaper/column with unrestricted comments. I've noticed many newspapers/internet media have eliminated the comment section. That's one of the reasons I do not participate in any social media.

[Crissy 107]

Abbie, I liked the original article and the responses, also yours of course.

[susan54]

The other thing to be aware of here is that The Guardian tends to be read by very open-minded highly educated people.

[docrobbysherry]

I just read that 50% of Americans CAN'T read at an 8th grade level! And, that 20% can't read a newspaper! :doh:

So, I suggest your "world", Abbie, may not be everyone's!:sad:

[Aunt Kelly]

As the columnist says, we can't make much of a diagnosis from the sliver of the clinical picture shared by the correspondent. Still, I'd put money on the that person being TS. Fortunately he/she lives in a place where that is nowhere near the big deal it would be in other parts of the world. Indeed, such a condition would be a death sentence in some places.

The cultural differences between USA and GB, reflected in the comments, jumped out hard at me. There would have been many more negative comments, if not a majority of them, in a U.S. paper. The reasons for this are several and various. First of all, we Yanks have yet to entirely shake off the Puritan hangups that so many of the early colonists had. Ignorance is also a factor, though to what extent that plays into the differences observed, I'm unsure of. Then there's the fact that, for thirty years, the LGBTQ community has been a favorite boogie man for the Right. In Texas, during this new legislative session alone, there have been 16 bills introduced with the aim of legalizing discrimination, or worse, against the LGBTQ community. Where else in the western world do you see fear and ignorance of this "other" being exploited so regularly and to such great effect?

[abbiedrake]

Being married to an American I'm far from unsympathetic to the cultural differences. Indeed one of the first things my wife remarked upon when she moved here was about news media here in Blighty. Less bias, far less partisan. A second was how no-one bats an eyelid at bi-racial couples. That was 20 years ago.
It's worth noting though that the US is a growth market for this and other UK news outlets. It appears there are sufficient Americans with a thirst for a different point of view.

I'm trying optimism, for a change.
Still if sexism and racism are anything to go by perhaps I shouldn't hold my breath.

[Ressie]

I hope we aren't gonna talk politics but it looks like this thread is taking a turn in that direction.

[abbiedrake]

Ressie, I sense what you mean is partisan politics.
Other than passing lamentations about facile legislation and a bungled plebiscite there's none of that here. No blame has been attributed. 😁

[Helen_Highwater]

Abbie,

There are those of us on this side of the pond who are either like myself and venture out only infrequently due to their circumstances or others who are out and about more regularly. I think it's fair to say that whichever camp we fall into it's a rarity to encounter any open hostility. It's true as a nation we still have our share of neanderthal knuckle draggers, the sort that make racist or homophobic chants at football matches as example. That said it's my experience that the vast majority of folks are either neutral in their attitude or willing to engage as and when the need arises.

Whichever side of the pond you're on I feel it's fair to say that it's the dissenting voices are the ones that make the loudest noise, often disproportionate to their number. We just need to persevere and stand our ground, present ourselves well and seek to win the day.

[abbiedrake]

That the emptiest vessels make the most noise I'll happily accept. Its a shame so many of us who don't give a crap suffer under their dictation.
That likely goes for bathroom bills even. I find it astronomically unlikely that such legislation could pass in any state if it required a proper quorum of the people. Most would probably shrug. It's the loud clownshoes who hound their elected officials who give these ideas disproportionate attention, it seems to me.
(Still not partisan, note 😉. Unless having a pop at people with prejudices is prejudicial. In which case I guess I'll just happily own it.)

[Beverley Sims]

I am wary about Dear Abby as the relies usually cater to the reader's titillation, for want of a better description. :-)

[Teresa]

Abbie ,
Many thanks for bringing the article to light , I do find most of the media is more sympathetic OK the wording may vary but not many really want to cross the line so much now .

Kelly does make a very useful point and I have to admit something I have been surprised over . I honestly though the British stiff upper lip would be a hard one to crack , I assumed the US would be streets ahead with their acceptance , how wrong I was ! Maybe we do have media to thank in other directions like Monty Pythons , people either loved them or hated them but the show did have quite an impact but then the Brits are pretty good a laughing at themselves ! Sorry, everyone no more talk of politics !

[char GG]

Per the rules, please do not refer to political issues.

[chris80]

Interesting comments but bear in mind these are Grauniad readers. I doubt readers of the Times would be as 'understanding' in their comments

[abbiedrake]

Times readers are people too...

I think.

[sometimes_miss]

The world's a friendlier place? Simply google 'lgbtq assaults 2019' and read the hits for that search. The world is NOT a friendly place for us. While you might find a few safe enclaves within the transgender communities, in the real world, you have to be very, very careful. There are a whole lot of people out there that don't want us anywhere's near them, and are willing to resort to violence to get rid of us.

[Aunt Kelly]

So I did. Several studies came up, but I believe that the Human Rights Campaign (https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/Hatecrimesandviolenceagainstlgbtpeople_2009.pdf?_g a=2.193893608.497435639.1553658698-1852377055.1553658698) has been studying hate crimes long enough and consistently enough to have a credible read on the matter. Want to know what I found?

In a ranking of hate crimes by motivation, "sexual orientation" comes in third with 17% of the victims. Race was number one (51%), followed by religion (18%).
Now, the picture changes significantly when you break out crimes against persons from property crimes. Sexual orientation gets the biggest share, at 71% person to 29% property, followed by "ethnicity/national origin" (70-30) and race (64-36).

Given those numbers alone, I'd say it is a bit irresponsible to suggest that it is so dangerous out there. I live in a city of 6.5 million. The religious and racial minorities are far less safe that I am. Of half dozen or so homes in my neighborhood that are close enough to talk driveway to driveway, I am the only "local". My neighbors come from all over, Ethiopia, Vietnam, Mexico, El Salvador, even Lake Charles. None of them, to my knowledge, have been attacked. And speaking of safe places, guess where you're most likely to suffer from a violent, sexual orientation-motivated hate crime - at home. You're safer in a bar or nightclub, by far, where only 4% of those crimes happen.

People, of all types, are assaulted all the time, and it is true that the LGBT community suffers more than the population as a whole, but there are a lot of places that I would not be safe, regardless of my presentation. Regardless of my presentation, I don't go to those places if it can be avoided. "The world" is just not anywhere near dangerous enough to have me cowering in my house. Especially my house, come to think of it. I'd be much safer in a parking lot, bar, restaurant or office building.

[Patience]

The biggest incentive for some of us to go out dressed is the realization that as black males, there’s really nothing we can do that will make society hate us more than we’re hated already.

[sometimes_miss]

Given those numbers alone, I'd say it is a bit irresponsible to suggest that it is so dangerous out there.
My point is, that it's just as unsafe for crossdressers, as it is for females of any age. Crossdressing men can easily forget how we appear to others, and just go into 'male mode' mindset once we become accustomed to wearing girl clothes, and wind up doing things and going places where we wouldn't think twice of, when being in male clothing. Once 'en femme', however, we are instantly in the same danger as women are. So if you wish to just assume that women need take no additional precautions than men do anywhere in the world, I accept your opinion that 'in general', the world is a much safer place than it used to be. However if you agree that there are plenty of situations, and places in the world, where women are still in greater danger than men are, than I stand by what I wrote.

[abbiedrake]

Pretty sure I used the word 'friendly', not 'safe'. You're conflating two separate issues, and possibly dangerously so. Inflated assaults rates are accompanied by higher self-harm and suicide rates for our community. Overstating the former has the potential to whip up fear to the point that we hurt ourselves long before some hateful scumbag has a go. Hence I also stressed '... than we imagine'.

Besides which we're talking about an agony aunt column. In that lightweight context, and even given the skewed audience, I'd still contend that the column and comments bear out what posters here proclaim day in, day out - that a lot of those niggling little fears about going out en femme are indeed minor and typically in our own heads.

To be a little more specific and personal... Since reading the original article I came out to a friend of mine of 3 years. We've never met (we're gamer buddies) but we chat on the phone as well as online. This former soldier, now an EMT in some of London's rougher patches, was great about it. He had perfect distance to throw our friendship under the bus. He could have blocked me. He could have never said another word. Of course he didn't, he vindicated my trust in him, and my world is a little friendlier for the acceptance and even advice he's given.

Same as those anonymous commenters gave to a stranger asking advice of a newspaper columnist.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and BTW... This is where I live.

BBC News - Drag Queen Story Time: connecting kids with LGBTQ+ role models of colour
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-47720808

Google Liverpool's fraught relationship with its LGBT population and its turnaround in recent years (as demonstrated above) to see further proof of my broader points.

[Helen_Highwater]

As sometimes_miss correctly states, things are less safe for females. There still are, and this varies from country to country, culture to culture, places where women are treated as unequals by misogynistic males. It's also true that there are out there those who find any member if the LGBT community abhorrent.

What needs to be taken into consideration however is just how likely is it one if us will encounter one of them and in circumstances where harm can ensue.

If you read here the posts of those who teeter on the edge of going out the fears they most regularly talk about revolve around being read and from that somehow public humiliation.

This is where the "more friendly" part comes into play. Most of us get read to a greater or lesser degree. When I'm talking to an SA or a member of the waiting staff in a restaurant, there's no way I'm not read. Do I get treated badly, poorer service than the muggles? No, like others here I've reported on so many positive interations I've lost track.

Yes I need to use common sense when out especially at night and I'm somewhere where drink is to be had. There are pubs, in fact whole areas I wouldn't set foot in even wearing full body armour and accompanied by a squad of fully armed SAS while in drab. So strangely enough I stear clear of then while enfemme also.

So all in all I feel it is true that the world is friendlier towards us. I watched a program called Question Time last night. For those not familiar with it an audience raises topical questions to a varying panel of invitees, politicians, journalists etc. A question came up about the teaching of LBGT issues in primary schools. 99% of those who spoke were supportive, acknowledging that we now live in a diverse culture where same sex marriage is a norm and differing sexuality is a fact of life.

The evidence is there if you look for it.

[alwayshave]

Abbie, Read the article, thought the moderator's reply was spot on. The limited number of comments I read seemed supportive. All in all a positive read.

[Aunt Kelly]

My point is, that it's just as unsafe for crossdressers, as it is for females of any age.

While I don't disagree with that point, that is not what you said.


The world's a friendlier place? Simply google 'lgbtq assaults 2019' and read the hits for that search.
...would seem to indicate that you view the world as uniquely hostile to those groups. Again, I don't disagree, but I stand by my assertion that it is nowhere near as bad as you make it sound, and not as bad as it is for some other groups.

[Lydianne]

The biggest incentive for some of us to go out dressed is the realization that as black males, there’s really nothing we can do that will make society hate us more than we’re hated already.

In Europe, yes. Or, at least, already being acquainted with what appearance-based hate looks like. Those 80s sure were interesting, heh! heh! :whistling:. ( Nothing compared to the 50s & 60s though, which I was fortunate to have been spared ). In other parts of the world where being a black male is not a disadvantage but LGBT expression is constitutionally outlawed and punishable officially by either death or imprisonment and unofficially by mob groups, it would be very difficult.

Back to Europe, though, I think FU-mode needs to be done as a calculated strike rather than as a strafing run. So everything else ideally would 'check out', as much for our benefit to keep us focused as well as for the sake of what we're trying to do:

"Hey, that's a guy dressed as a woman!... Hmm, but he's in better shape than me, he's better presented than me, his outfit is smarter than anything I've worn in the last month,... etc".

For anyone with a brain, that's very difficult to dismiss, I think. For those incapable of weighing that up,... well, we've been there before :strugglin. But it's still difficult to develop the confidence in what we're doing. We need to overcome everything we've been schooled to believe, having been raised as male :confused2:.

:2c:.

- Lydianne.