Early memories of denial

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm approaching 70 years old now but can still remember some of those early thoughts of denial. In third grade I claimed to not know a woman's shirt could be called a blouse. I believed that kind of knowledge would have revealed too much of my understanding and attention to the clothing of the other gender. When longer hair was first in fashion and a sign of my politics I thought it was important to also grow a mustache "so I didn't look like a girl". I didn't look feminine at all, but the need to deny that aspect of my life was important.

Fast forward to the present and years of slow growth in my self understanding and societal changes. Now my hair is long and semi-styled, I get my nails done regularly and there are many friends and family who know I am transgender and get out frequently. I wonder if I'd gotten here a little quicker if I'd realized the folly of denying my true nature way back then. No regrets, but maybe a learning moment to share.

Those memories of denial are as firmly planted in my memory as those associated with my first steps out of the closet. How about you?

[Dana3]

I've wrestled and struggled with it all of my Life. And still do to this day, (I'm 62).

Married for the 2nd time, with a Conservative, Southern (USA) wife with strong religious objections.

I was single after the end of my first marriage. Lived with another GG for 6-1/2 years. Neither one was capable of wrapping the concept and idea of a man having "a feminine side" along with a willingness and desire to both express and experience femininity.

For a number of years, actually the better part of my adult Life I was in denial, self-loathing and beating myself up over it.

I tried the traditional route of marriage, having children? That didn't work.

I finally decided that I was too damaged, messed up to ever be in a relationship with a cisgendered woman.

I self-medicated HEAVILY for years with whiskey. All part of the denial process.

Not sure how to proceed from her

I recently read that the No. #1 death bed regret was to live one's Life based upon the expectations of others, rather than your own.

I couldn't agree more.

[Robertacd]

My earliest and probably the begining of my life of denial would be when I was a teenager, and in therapy.

I had been in therapy long enough to know better than to tell the threapist anything I didn't want my parents to know about...

So when the subject of my mother finding her lingerie in my room came up. I denied my true feelings and went along with the "it's just a fetish" excuse I felt the therapist was leading me to.

[NancySue]

My bet is, to some degree, we’ve all gone through this phase at one time or another. I certainly did. Initially, I “fought it tooth and nail”, but to no avail. The pink fog never leaves. I can’t remember when I quit fighting it and totally accepted it as part of me...which it is. The guilt and tension are mostly gone. Having an accepting wife has been a help, too.

[Julie MA]

I agree. Efforts to hide any feminity, bisexuality, and trans in my nature, eventually formed the me that most people know. And I don't even like some of that outward me. Neither do others in my life. When I let down those closet defenses I like who I am. Still worried about others knowing too much, and the potential for attacks it brings. But getting more secure with more people knowing. Wish my wife was.

[KimberlyJean]

This is totally me, my teenage years I worked the farms and played sports. Then I joined the military, started lifting weights, got married, and did every manly thing I could do. At age 28 I weighed 265lbs, had a 450 lb benchpress. Now at 44 I have accepted who and what I am, but it took a lot of years of denial. I still have my situation with my wife to figure out. The only benefit of the weight lifting is I still have pecs that fit nicely in a 38C bra.

[docrobbysherry]

How about reverse denial, Sarah? :eek:

When I suddenly began dressing out of blue, all my fantasies were about becoming female!:battingeyelashes:
Those thots vanished nearly 10 years ago.

Some years ago, I thot I'm just a CD. But, I now think maybe I'm simply a man who enjoys impersonating women!?:brolleyes:

[kimdl93]

I went full 'cowboy' as a kid, partly cause I loved horses and being outdoors, but also because it seemed to distract attention from my early childhood - when I was sometimes referred to as "a house boy". Then, there were sports, weight training, etc.

The odd thing was the self-consciousness. I constantly feard that my feminine attributes were somehow bleeding through and noticeable to others. I couldn't watch a TV show or movie without fearing that someone might make the connection between the transgender person being portrayed (or parodied) and me.

[CarlaWestin]

There were some naturally male things that I just didn't align with. Hunting, fishing, to me it was pointless and cruel. But I certainly dialed in to tools, fixing, building and problem solving. Geometrical awareness in correct chronological order. Physics in it's infant form. But, there was that something else. That sensual, presentation, being there thing. Watching what my sisters did. It was all so pointless and fabulous. So, I know that my gender really doesn't color within the lines. And now that I'm older, I just don't care what people think.

[Stephanie47]

I don't know if this incident was a precursor of things to come. When I was in kindergarten my teacher called the cowboy shirt I had on a blouse. I emphatically told her it was a shirt. At that time I had no desires for any feminine or girlie. I thought I was just correcting my teacher, but, I still remember my expressive manner was forceful. I still don't ascribe any significance to it. My first interest in feminine garments, and, I cannot put an age to it, was my mother's nylon full slips. She hanged the wash to dry on a clothesline strung down the hallway from the livingroom area to the bedrooms. The manner in which the wash was hanged sort of made it like running a gauntlet of wet wash. I was young enough to remember my head did not go above the hanging clothes. I found the feel of the nylon slips to be enticing. The cloth was like nothing I wore; cotton, denim, flannels. I would linger to caress the fabric. Ultimately, I had to try one on my body. I still did not have any thoughts of femininity. Was it a lure for things later?

[Beverley Sims]

I did not go through a denial process and no one seemed to notice my softer ways.

Some girls did appreciate my empathy.