It finally happened

[Julie Martin]

So..after 50 years of occasional crossdressing, including 30 years with my ex-wife..I finally slipped up and was discovered by my SO. I imagined that if this ever happened, I would lose everything and not want to live..but I kept taking the risk (about once a year) anyway, despite my general disgust for my habit, which I've always viewed as an affliction, and hoped to take to my grave as my only secret.

I was mortified to learn that she now knew(she found pics on my phone I had forgotten to delete): shame, embarrassment, anguish, regret, all washed over me..I fully expected to lose everything..but so far I'm shocked to learn that she feels that it does not affect our lives (I told her everything)..she was empathetic, and said that besides my keeping it from her(I was afraid to lose her over this), what bothered her the most is that I have had to bear this burden alone for my whole life..I've never told a soul. This was 4 days ago. Unless she has a sudden reversal..she said she is glad that the reveal is behind us, and that things will be better than ever. I told her truthfully that I have always hated this about myself, have never wanted or needed acceptance, only did it about once a year, and saw the fact that she knows (I hate the thought that she saw those pictures of me..and hope they fade from her memory)as remewed motivation to finally bury Julie for good. I know the percentages..I have gone up to 4 years without dressing, and not missed it..but it has always come back. So I expect the urge will return (I have none now)..but..I am determined to resist when it does..so although I may visit here from time to time to help process things..I sincerely hope that the photos I just posted of my last outing are just that..my last.

I wish you all the best on whatever path your journey leads you.

[Tracii G]

Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing OK?

[Elizabeth G]

I'm glad it's going as well as it is for you. I too was discovered about two and a half years ago and it wasn't nearly so smooth. I wish you the best of luck.

[Rachael Leigh]

Julie, I’m glad that she took it so well, but really there should be no shame for this. I’ve dealt with this side of me many years as have others and I feel I will never understand it but it just is it’s something we just deal with. As you say it likely
won’t ever go away. I wish you well with your SO

[Majella St Gerard]

good luck with that

[Macey]

It hurts me to hear that you're so conflicted about your dressing, and also so thrilled for you that your SO now knows and you and your SO can be as open as you want to be.

There is nothing wrong with your desire to dress, there is nothing wrong with acting upon it. To me, I gather that you might bottle up a lot of stuff and dressing … even if only once a year … may be the pressure valve that helps you release. That's a little true for all of us, I think. CD or not, all people go through stress and we all deal with it in different ways.

CDing is ONE way for SOME people to cope and you'd have nothing to ever be ashamed about. Turns out, you're pretty 'normal' (whatever that means) after all.

I hope this isn't goodbye for you, I hope you continue to engage in whatever you need to do to be healthy, happy, and fulfilled, whether you continue to CD or not.

[Robertacd]

I find it ironic and a little sad that you are giving it all up just when you discovered that you have something that some of us will never know the joy of.

An accepting and supportive spouse is the Holy Grail of CD's and TG's existence.

Good luck with wherever your journey takes you.

[Rhonda Jean]

I all for giving it up when that's what circumstances dictate, but, to be blunt. I think you're making a big mistake. Sounds like you're running scared out of shame and embarrassment and made a knee-jerk reaction to save face. Why would you do that? The worst is (maybe) over. You're missing a rare and golden opportunity to incorporate this into your life openly and honestly. Approach this in a reasonable way at a reasonable pace and you could reap the incalculable rewards for the rest of your life!!

[Meghan4now]

From time to time, I read a post where someone announces they are bound and determined to give it up, but then say they will still check in. Maybe they can, maybe they can't, but I imagine that making such a pronouncement yet still holding on to the community has to be very challenging. I would think your chances of success would go up by cutting all ties and not putting yourself in situations that can trigger temptation.

If I were an alcoholic, I might not spend time at the bar. It can be done for sure, but why make it harder?

[BTWimRobin]

I am so happy for you Julie. Please, don't be a stranger around here.

[Micki_Finn]

Sorry hon, I can’t say I agree with the way you feel about your dressing and to be honest, I don’t think it’s at all healthy to look at it as a bad habit to be quit. Maybe all this energy you’re putting into trying to quit would be better spent learning to come to terms and accepting yourself.

EDIT: Just saw your other post and am even more confused. That post went up 20 minutes ago and you sounded over the moon to have gone out and seemed happy to have people see and acknowledge you. Now all of a sudden you tell us how much you hate this about yourself. Not sure what’s going on here but you REALLY need to talk to someone.

[alwayshave]

Julie, if your SO is accepting, embrace your CDing.

[Helen_Highwater]

Julie,

When I read, " despite my general disgust for my habit, which I've always viewed as an affliction, and hoped to take to my grave as my only secret." I felt saddened. What you're actually saying is this thing which we all do you view as wrong. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I also feel that the real affliction you suffer from is born out of a perception garnered from an historical social stigma surrounding homosexuality erroneously linked to crossdressing.

As other have said it appears you have in your SA someone who isn't as judgemental as you are upon yourself. Perhaps what's required now is a real heart to heart with your SA to see if she would understand if you were to explore this side of you more openly. You also wrote, "Unless she has a sudden reversal..she said she is glad that the reveal is behind us, and that things will be better than ever.". Good grief! If ever there was a signal that this is something she's Okay with that is it.

My view is you seriously need to re-evaluate your our opinion of yourself and stop feeling that what you do is wrong. I totally understand the desire to keep it a secret, the fear of loss of everything you value. Trust me, I know that feeling. However in truth what you've been handed by circumstance is a chance to move forward. To stop beating yourself up and seek self acceptance. Don't let this opportunity pass by.

For goodness sake, talk!

[ReneeTD]

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Shame, disgust, affliction are leftovers of social conditioning. This from a society that has a tendency to "strain at a gnat and swallow a camel." A lot worse things are winked at by the legions of hypocrites. You have to process it in your way, and I wish you success in that, but cut yourself some slack if you can.

I had to slay the dragon of my own faith conditioning years ago, but I've always been one to ask why when presented with "thou shalt". Most such things are the whims of hierarchy rather than true spirituality.

You've harmed no one, and even if it can be said you've lied, it has been a lie of omission. A little private life is not a great thing to ask.

[Crissy 107]

Julie, if your SO is accepting, embrace your CDing.
Lots of good advice so far but to me this says it all.

[Aunt Kelly]

You will do what you feel you need to do, of course, but may I suggest that that is not the same as what you should do?
First of all, take the gift you've been given in an understanding spouse. Let her know that you understand that the deception has taken a big chunk out of the "trust bank".
Next, seek professional help, for you and for you and your wife. Yes, you will get by without it, but believe me, you will both be happier down the road when the two of you find a way to accept who you are. The self loathing you describe is not without it's effects. You're extraordinarily lucky to have a partner that didn't bolt. Show that you value that gift and work this out. You both deserve nothing less.

[alice one day]

Julie
You are very lucky your SO was so supportive. I came out a couple of weeks ago and now wish I hadn't as I have no idea what's going to happen.

[Beverley Sims]

Julie,
I would listen to your wife and follow whatever direction she wants to take, seeing that she does not disapprove of what you do.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Julie;

Keep talking to your SO, Having someone close that you can talk even occasionally will help. Shame comes in two type , True Shame, for something you have done that is wrong and False Shame for how others make you feel about yourself.
By taking to your SO, it will help reduce the False Shame, it sounds like you have a very compassionate person in your life.
Take a risk and open up about the need to have your time, and see if she is open to letting you take some of the pressure off that you feel.

[quebec_blonde]

despite my general disgust for my habit

Is the disgust more to do with the shame and embarrassment? Having to keep a secret from close ones is terrible and we can all sympathize one way or another.

I hope you can sort things out, but you joined the forum for a reason. Sounds like you have someone quite understanding and hopefully you can carry on in happiness.

[Dana3]

Being a male, and being naturally drawn towards femininity and all things feminine does not make me a bad nor terrible person. And neither does it you!

Regardless of who we are in Life? Regardless of our own individuality and accompanying "quirks"? There are always those waiting just outside our front doors, just waiting to beat us up. Just because it's their 'nature' to do so. We shouldn't then, as a rule, be doing the job for them.

A lot of the lack of self-acceptance and self-loathing ourselves, beating ourselves up comes from a Lifetime of Cultural, Societal, Historical and Religious " conditioning", none of which is necessarily true nor valid in the aggregate, little less for us as individuals?

If your Wife is comfortable with your experiencing and expressing your femininity? I would advocate moving toward opening a dialog to discuss limits, boundaries, levels of acceptance and comfort, as you and she only can.

[RADER]

Jullie:
Telling your SO is the hardest thing ever. But it is done, now please GO SLOW.
Do not bomb her with a lot of dressing, let her dress you, or ask for advice.
This just might be a great way to bond better with your wife; It was for me.
Good Luck.
rader

[Stephanie47]

Best of luck going forward. I went back and looked at your pictures. You look attractive. If your wife is going going ballistic over the reveal you're ahead of the game. I would keep in mind or at least be aware that you may get the calling again. I would not let angst build up if you get the bug again. Sometimes the frustrations of not being able to be oneself is taken out on others or in a less constructive manner than just donning something pretty. Dressing can be therapeutic.

[Julie Martin]

Thanks all, I do appreciate all the input, and will check back again in case there's more..I'll share a bit more a little later, for what it's worth. Again, thank you all..

[suchacutie]

Julie, I can hear the conflict, and I'm sure we can all understand that conflict. Listening to the words you used to describe what happened when your wife discovered Julie, I can only tell you that my wife enjoys having Tina as a girlfriend. Before you put Julie away, it might be beneficial to ask your wife what she thinks about having Julie around every now and again. She might just be very happy to have a girl friend! Regardless, I do hope you find a very happy path for you and your wife!

[Julie Martin]

All,
I want to thank you all for your valuable input. Nothing has been said here that I haven’t considered at some point, but it is really helpful to read the varying perspectives as I process what has happened, and prepare for the path forward. The responses have many common threads, but also reflect the backgrounds, life experiences, and “internal wiring” of each person..we are all individuals, and although we all share one common denominator (challenge..curse..gift?), how we experience and view it is as individual as we all are.

For what it’s worth, I’ll share a few things, in case anyone can relate:

For me, the negative effects of CD-ing have always far outweighed the positive..I’ve never wanted or looked for acceptance, never wanted to (and haven’t) shared it with anyone. In fact I have always maintained a total separation from my “ real” life..when it surfaces and I give in and act on it, it’s always a relief when it’s over and I can go back to being “me” for as long as possible..sometimes for years at a stretch. I know this is at odds with some here who see their femme self as their “real me”, and do seek acceptance, sharing with their SO or others..I accept and respect this, but it’s not my experience, nor do I wish it to be. So for me, rather than a feeling of loss of something or some part of me, redoubling my efforts to bury this part of me feels freeing, something I am very much looking forward to and excited about..despite the fact that I am aware that it’s a daunting..some would say impossible..task. I know the odds, and look forward to trying to beat them.

Like many of us, I have read volumes about where CDing might come from..why, and how, can a guy’s guy, rugged dude, builder, athlete, rock musician, devoted father and husband/partner, 100% hetero, stand-up clean living guy, who has no patience for or interest in anything remotely “feminine” in any other area of his life..have the ” crossdressing gene”?? WTF?? Me?? And yet..there it is. And after 50 years, I finally am faced with dealing with the fallout.

Despite my SO’s empathy and feeling that we will move past this discovery and be better than ever, I have no illusions here..right now she says “less is more” and does not want to discuss it, but I know that we have to..when she is ready. I have put all of your responses in a word doc as a starting point for her and I to process this, which I hope will help..I also reached out to the woman who has done my makeovers for 15 years (I don’t know how, and never cared to learn about makeup..no patience!), she knows this part of me well..plus many other CDers..and she is willing to talk to my SO, or us together if my SO wishes..I am open to any other suggestions from you all in this area. My SO is a wise and caring person..but despite what she said, this has to be a trauma for her, and I fear a future PTSD-like event if we don’t process it somehow. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, my best friend, I love her dearly, and I want her to be confident in the knowledge that she still has the same guy she’s always had..and I pray that she still sees me that way. She didn’t sign up for this, it’s not fair, and the part of me that sees my CDing as selfish (among other things)..is speaking loudly at the moment.

Thanks to those of you who’ve waded through this whole thing..it’s been therapeutic to write, the start of a long process. Again, thank you all, and my best wishes on your journey, wherever it leads.

[Macey]

Julie, thank you for giving more details and inner thoughts. It makes it easier to understand the situation. You think of yourself as a "man's man" and are disturbed these strong, though infrequent desires. I'm still going with the theory of a stress pressure valve. People talk about women's issues all the time, and there is a lot to talk about and a lot to be done, but rarely does anyone talk about men's issues and the amount of pressure there can be with 'being a man' (by whatever definition you may want to go by). There is still no reason for you to be ashamed. Rather than a 'pressure valve', think of it as a mini vacation. You can go on this vacation once a year, more, less, whatever. But if you feel the call for a vacation from manhood, you should do it. No shame, no pressure, no one needs to know, it can be just for you. Doesn't make you unmanly in the least, just means you need a day away every so often.

As for your SO, it is great that she now knows that you might need this every once in a while and sounds like she'd understand if you need a yearly (or less) vacation to 'get out'. She probably never needs to know the particulars, she probably doesn't need any discussion, all I would say that she needs is to know that this is there and that it helps you and that is just … well … a vacation for a day or two. Naturally, if ever she does have any questions, be as open as the sky about everything. Sounds like you and she love each other very much and truly want to understand each other's needs and respect each other's sensitivities.

[Micki_Finn]

If you ask me, you’re still contradicting yourself and are in a very self-destructive state of denial. Some woman has been doing your makeup for 15 years but you “never wanted to (and haven’t) shared it with anyone? You say it’s a burden and it’s a relief when it’s over, and yet you go out in public and you specifically said you “had always wanted to” go out bowling. So why do it if you hate it so much? The only thing I can think of to explain this disparity is that you are really just more into “public humiliation” or similar fetish.

I’m not going to tell you how to find your own joy, but you’ll never find it until you’re honest with yourself.

[Alice Torn]

Julie, i am also a blue collar outdoorsy survivor fishing, fix my own car guy, but have been starved for female beauty and company most of my always single life. I think part of my dressing is an outlet to enjoy femininity, even if it is me wearing lady things and resembling what i missed out on, and am starved for. I agree with Macey a lot about men's issues being unaddressed largely, and denied even. We are to be stoic and strong all the time, denying our need to talk about our fears, our insecurities, our needs, and our sorrow, and binds. No wonder we usually die younger. Not all the time, but usually. This society has so trumpeted womens' issues, and does not say anything about boys and men committing SUICIDE at a far greater rate, than girls and women, though all suicide is tragic, and a sign of a sick society. Like you, part of me hates that i have this proneness. Life would be simpler and safer without it. It has turned women away from me, who i desired to date. We must not be too hard on ourselves, though, as it is counter productive, and keeps us in a squirrel cage of craziness. CDing less is good, if it is taking over one's life, and marriage. Keep it all in balance and easy does it.

[KimberlyJean]

I am going to echo Micki, you are a walking contradiction. Accept yourself or nothing else is going to work.
I love the manly man excuse, it holds no water. I joined the military to enforce my masculinity, there are many women in the military and they have passed some of the toughest schools. I run alot and I am fast, I got passed by a girl the other day. I race motorcycles, there are women who also race motorcycles and are faster than me. Anyone watch Truck Night in America, some of those girls build their own trucks and drive them. My mother was the strongest person I have ever met.
When I realized that the things I like to do and that girls like them as well and can do them better than me, I came to accept I am a woman and have always been a woman.

[Cheshire girl]

The inner battle is familiar to many of us I’m sure. You intend to resist the urge. Hope that works for you. I love dressing and being accepted in public is something I truly love. The urge will surely return. I wish you all the best in whatever path you take. Just don’t be ashamed or feel guilty!

[Helen_Highwater]

Julie,

Like the others replying above I to feel there's a conflict between what you write and what you do. It seems to me that you continue to carry and fail to acknowledge that your dislike of your CD'ing is a product of outdated societal pressures.

50 years! Think about it! 50 years and still the desire persists. Sorry but I just don't buy the "So for me, rather than a feeling of loss of something or some part of me, redoubling my efforts to bury this part of me feels freeing, something I am very much looking forward to and excited about..despite the fact that I am aware that it’s a daunting..some would say impossible..task. I know the odds, and look forward to trying to beat them. " This to me is like someone saying they're going to be cured of being Gay. What? Self imposed correctional therapy? This is akin to mental self flagellation. If ever there was someone who is in desperate need of self acceptance then I have to say it's you.

I really don't like typing what it is I'm typing. I look to this forum to offer kind support to those seeking the truth in their lives but in you I see someone who is tied to the past, the old ways of thinking. What you do isn't wrong. Yes it can be difficult to come to terms with but come to terms with you must or you will until the day you die be faced with this continual oscillation between self loathing and seeking your true self.

I've written it before, I no doubt will write it again. Don't end up on your death bed thinking, "I wish..."

[Julie Martin]

So..an update.

It’s been a bit over a week since my SO discovered my dressing, and after she spent the week doing her own research, at her request we spent Friday night discussing it all for 4 hrs. I am a very lucky man. It was a transformative experience for both of us, we both learned a few things about ourselves..and she is still with me. In fact, we feel closer than ever and had an amazing weekend. Many of you will agree with her assessment that if at times the desire for some Julie time becomes overwhelming..I should do it. She seems able to separate that character from the guy she loves. When and if Julie strikes again ( more like when, I’m well aware)..what has changed is that I will tell her when, where, and what I’m doing, and won’t have to hide it. But I don’t want her to see it, nor does she want to. Kind of a “tell but just the basics”. I will admit that this takes a huge load of stress and anxiety off, and without that distraction I am going about my regular guy life much more at peace. I’m not feeling the need to express Julie at all, partially because that’s always the way it works for me after an outing, but also maybe because I know that if (when?) I go there again, it will be with her blessing. That’s something I thought would not ever be possible..I’m very lucky.

I read the new posts on this thread since I’ve been away..those of you who told me in so many words that my goal of giving this up is delusional, I’m a walking contradiction, are likely correct..as are those who suggest professional help . Oh and the fact that the “manly man” thing has nothing to do with the urge to crossdress..all true. It’s good to read the different perspectives. Macey’s post sums up the way it all feels for me, I just need to manage the self-loathing to get there, which will be a challenge. My seeing this whole things as “wrong”..for me, ( not for anyone else!).is definitely imbedded in my psyche from my upbringing…and that will be almost as hard to let go of as the urge to dress itself..both may be impossible. My desire to quit this has not changed…although my personal history has shown me that I won’t have the urge for 6 months to a year…then it is likely to come roaring back. The fact that I now know I can scratch that itch without the usual cloak-and-dagger deception is huge. Till then, I’m content to go about my life with much less stress and anxiety, due to the understanding and wonderful woman I share my life with.

[Meghan4now]

Julie,

I disagree slightly with what is said about not being able to give up CDing. You CAN decide on your behavior and actions. It is possible to never again don a dress, or pull on panties, or wear a wig. It can be done. It may be difficult.

What may be far more difficult or near impossible is to give up the desire. I don't know if this is possible or not. I have certainly burried it for long periods of time. Only you can decide if your actions vs your desires are best served. But if you are bound and determined to try, then I still highly suggest full commitment.

[Cheshire girl]

You will discover what’s best for you. I think many of us have swings of emotion about doing this. To refer to disgust and affliction is strong language. I wonder whether you will feel like that all the time. Self acceptance is the key. Whether you dress full time, just occasionally or you resist the urge totally is something only you can decide. Same for us all. Having acceptance from a wife and other women and being complimented on my female appearance personally keeps me happy. I would feel unhappy if I felt I was a figure of fun. I do hate seeing a Cder in public who looks dreadful and need reassurance from others of my own look afterwards. Good luck on whatever path you choose.

[JaclynL61]

Julie -

I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are working through this. I hope you find a path that works for both of you.

Jaclyn

[CarlaWestin]

I’m content to go about my life with much less stress and anxiety, due to the understanding and wonderful woman I share my life with.

So, just enjoy the fun of it now that you've removed the poison.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing OK?

Yeah, do.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't mean to be paranoid, but beware the potential calm before the potential storm. My ex went through a calm, seemingly accepting phase, where she was carefully planning our divorce without telling me. I, busy with work and school, didn't realize that she had already started another relationship. Then she dropped the boom, filing for divorce and blackmailing me for all our assets. Then I come home to locks changed, and a threat to file for a restraining order if I didn't do as she wished. She had it all planned out perfectly. I had no clue what was going on.

I'm not saying that your wife will do this, but it's possible. Plan for the worst. I wound up suddenly broke, deep in debt, and nowhere to live.

[ClosetED]

To me the key is "I’m content to go about my life with much less stress and anxiety, due to the understanding and wonderful woman"
She wants you to end the self-loathing and she will end up with a happier person. So share some of your feelings as that seems to be what she wants. Communication is a great thing, when someone is willing to listen
Hugs, Ellen