The Big Reveal - accepted or not by your SO

[Jenny22]

There are so many stories of heartbreak, broken marriages and relationships and some of reluctant and even complete acceptance.

However your SO found out about your CDing or being trans, what followed was critical... what you did, what you said, how you tried to explain your anguish at her now knowing, etc., as well as what was her background persona, beliefs, attitude, etc..

If you were one of the fortunate ones, if possible, try to outline, for the benefit of many here, what you did and said that gave her the opportunity to become accepting. Be as specific as possible, so that we may be able to evaluate similarities in favorable outcomes.

If you were NOT so fortunate, try to outline your mistakes / errors in attempting acceptance so that similarities may be evaluated in the hope that those wishing to 'come out' may not make the same mistakes / errors, if their circumstances are similar.

This is not going to be easy. Its going to require some in depth thinking. Thanks to all who participate.

[~Renee~]

I put her and my family first. I let her know this sense/need was something so vital to my well being and that I wouldn't jeopardize her or our family. Then we talked lots ... We still do. She did her own research and saw that my peace increased. She saw I became a less agitated. The result is I'm no longer forced to mute everything and if I need time for expressing she makes it happen. She discovered this sense/need is a benefit to us, not just me. In short, love, patience, compassion, and understanding goes a long way.

[Micki_Finn]

There’s a whole sticky thread about this with lots of good tips to help.

The problem with your question is that is based on the false notion that acceptance is dependent on the CD’s actions. While there are a few things you can do to help, and some things you should definitely NOT do, acceptance basically comes down to the SO. Your SO is either inclined to accept or she isn’t, and for the most part, nothing we do is really going to change that.

[AllieSF]

Micki, I don't think that it is a false notion that acceptance is (only) dependent on the Cd's actions. I inserted the only. I think that she realizes that from the start. However, her question is a good one, because many thought about how they did their own big reveals and many probably learned after that hindsight really is more accurate than foresight. So, many may have good recommendations on words used, logistics/timing of when to reveal, how much detail to get into in first conversation, etc. As has been said by several here that bringing up something that may have been discussed before is good for the site and members because people tend to read new topics before going back to look for history, that applies to stickies too. If we said read the sticky to everyone, a lot of good threads with good responses may never be started or continued.

[Lara A]

I don't know that there are any hard and fast 'good' or 'bad' ways to reveal to one's SO on this. As Micki said, they are either inclined to be accepting or not, and I do not think what we say, and/or how we say it will have any lasting impression on the eventual outcome. To a degree at the time, a little, but not anything that will cause them to have a quantum shift in how they think.
I have done this twice now, once by design, and once by mistake, and both times would not have had different outcomes by what I said or by how I said it.
I think unless you are with an extremely perceptive and 'with it' lady, the news is going to be quite a bombshell no matter what, and the delivery will almost certainly be overshadowed by the revelation itself.
With my first wife for instance, she greeted the news with a mixed bag of emotions and reactions that I completely misread, until hindsight kicked in. She had been having an affair for a while anyway, and her 'acceptance' was colored by some measure of relief that she could be freed to continue her affair and possibly more, with a minimum of guilt! This I found out later, after I had previously thought she had been remarkably accepting.
My second wife found out after she discovered an email from my daughter that referenced my 'alter-ego'. That was a little trickier!

[mykell]

ok, ill try. its true you can take your SO to the water but you cant make them drink.....i joined nov 2013, i read stories and saw jennifer at homes story in particular, how cool....i was enamored by the wifes acceptance, my pop had just passed away, the women were rooting through his belongings and i thought WTF if i pass away and she finds all my stashes. so i decided a reveal was the way to go.

now its late November early December so im not going to muck up the holidays with this info so ill wait until January, used jens and shelly preston has a GG story in her signature as a template and wrote down the talking points i wished to touch upon.

now she was working at a place that had a hostile work environment so i picked a Saturday in January, the reasoning was she could chill out friday night and after i tell her she had most of the weekend to coupe with it.

so i grew my set a balls fessed up about myself and said all the pre qualified points and all she wanted to know is where i got the clothes from ??? she grabbed her bowling ball head out and said she didn't know if she would be back again. i figured it was doomed marriage.

well she came back, i felt bad for the pins :doh: i just did my manly deeds about the house, just started splitting wood for the fireplace from stuff we grabbed from places the past year, nothing says manly man like a lumberjack eh ;) tense weekend for sure.

so she e-mailed me the next day asked all the questions i answered that day, e-mailed her back went downstairs prolly after writing a post here and talked it out and offered a DADT to keep it private, she agreed and moved on from their.

now i will recommend that you tell her your transgender, transvestite does not do us justice on web searches, crossdressers not much better.

if you decide to chicken out at the very least pen a note and answer her questions and keep it with your stash, will give them peace of mind knowing you were not cheating and getting into devious behavior to worry about STDs and such. no shame if you cant do the face to face.....same pertinent information was addressed.

this is how it went for me, nothing like the other examples from above......so your mileage may vary....

[Aunt Kelly]

I never kept it a secret. From the time our relationship first looked to be getting serious, the woman who is now my wife has known about my TG nature. As I learned more about myself and the extent of that nature, I have shared it. I am utterly convinced that without that kind of honesty and trust, we would not be together today. Being TG a big deal, in so many ways. If you keep it a secret, that act alone is, as we see over and over here, can be nothing but an insult to the relationship. Whatever understanding and support that might have been there will be much harder to come by, if it can be found at all, once the betrayal is discovered.

[Beverley Sims]

It was easy for me I was already out to some extent and appeared as a girl often before I was married.

[Rochal Tukque]

Hi Jenny contrary I don't think there is any absolute's or false assumptions here based only one person actions. I think their are many outside forces at play. Such as Society programming and peer group pressure. Transgender and CD are red hot button issues. As a friend said we might have been born about fifty years too early. As for me I've been dressing to some degree all my life. My coming out to my wife of twenty years started two years ago with a mammogram for lump in one breast. The radiologist explaining the presence of female breast tissue and a calcified milk gland was the lump. So I took the opportunity on that to reveal the rest. My wife being an amateur astrologer looked at me and said You have a strong feminine aspect in your birth chart and I was wondering how and when it was going to manifest it's self. The only question she asked if I was attracted to men. I'm not. Her knowledge of astrology overrode the common Society misconceptions and let me truly be an individual. She says she likes my vibes when I'm dressed in femme. I'm not passable but we still go out. Hugs

[Shayla]

1. Understand as much as possible where you want to go with dressing (when, where, how much, what you want to do, who will know, how much will it cost, etc). Be honest with yourself first.
2. Articulate with confidence what you feel and what you have discovered about yourself.
3. Be honest. Don't try to sugarcoat anything/leave details out that could haunt you later. Trust is key.
In other words, the opposite of what I did. good luck.

[Macey]

CDing came late to me in life. Hit me by surprise.

I always knew I had a feminine side and didn't particularly shy away from it. My wife knew this too and knew it was as much a part of me as everything else. We fell in love with each other. I didn't fall in love with a 'woman' nor did she with a 'man', we fell in love with each other.

From the start of our relationship we'd built a history of loving each other, always. Trusting each other, always. Open with each other, always. And supporting each other's growth and explorations, always. Doesn't mean we don't come to loggerheads over one thing or another from time to time, but we're in love with the persons within, not with the image presented to the world.

One day, she had discarded a blouse. I snagged it and tried it on. Wore it that day and again the following week and I knew there was going to be more of this.

One day, about a month into this, she discovered the blouse tucked deep in my dresser. Odd, she seldom goes into my dresser, but it's been known to happen. I would've revealed this to her, but in my own good time when I had understood it better myself, but it went this way instead. With incredible sensitivity she asked me about it and with a history of being open with each other already long established, I opened up to her as best as possible about my feelings and we had a long talk about it.

Since then, she has supported and encouraged me every step of the way. She picks out as many clothes for me as I do for myself. She now even asks me my opinions on her outfits and make-up from time to time. She's picked out my wigs and brought me for my first pedicure (was in drab, but it was so relaxing!)

On Saturdays, I'm off and she's working, so I go extra to 'doll up' and she gets to come home to a clean house, home cooked meal, and a pretty wife (as pretty as I can manage) and she delights in this every bit as much as when I am about my mannish pursuits.

We fell in love with each other as people. The whole package, not just the image of what the rest of the world sees.

[GretchenM]

I told my wife about it around a month or so after I realized I had to come to grips with who I was and stop fighting and denying it. At the time I was terribly confused about how to deal with it and how to tell her. I really don't recall that much about the first conversations, what I said or what she said. My brain was kind of numb. But I told her about my childhood and some of the events in my past that involved gender shifts that were intense. I revealed that I had always hid it and hated that it happened to me. Lots of anger during those times that the girl in me made me do things that were not consistent with the image I wanted to have - a normal male. I apologized for the secrecy. I concluded by telling her that I wanted to go to therapy as soon as possible.

She was obviously confused and hurt, but having been married for 44 years and having us work through so many other difficulties successfully she wanted to give me a chance and see where it went. She was already familiar with the fact that this sometimes happens and had read quite a bit about how others had dealt with it. Acceptance? Absolutely not. Resistance? Not that either. Basically, just a another one of those problems that married couples need to deal with once in awhile. Basically, a concerned observer that would help when she could but no desire to let me have my way, whatever that was. Fair enough.

I found a therapist and my wife went as well to some sessions with another therapist to help her deal with the revelation. That helped. Her biggest problem was my dishonesty of not revealing this earlier. There were never threats or arguing. At the time she was a teacher who dealt with special education of kids with severe affective disorders and so she had that perspective and professional background and a desire to help but no desire to encourage me or restrict me. She helped me deal with some of the feelings, but she wanted nothing to do with my actual dressing. It was wait and see what comes out of therapy.

It took about six months of therapy, both personal and group, and a lot of effort and research on my part to get to the point of being stable again. Then came the DADT policy, but in time that restriction was lifted some so long as I used good judgement about who I told. Been that way ever since - 6 years. It has worked out well on the whole. She accepts that I am a type of trans person, but certainly doesn't like that fact very much. We just had our 50th anniversary and our relationship is nominal. I don't press the issue. We don't discuss it, but she accepts my very limited expression of my gender. As I present a quite mild non-binary appearance and that is very comfortable for me at this time it works pretty well. Not perfect. Sometimes I want a bit more, but I have all kinds of techniques I use to satisfy those urges without doing things that might offend her. It is very workable, but not ideal. She allows me room and I respect her wishes and perspective.

[kimdl93]

I don't think there is a right way....but probably many wrong ways. In my case, I thought I was easing along over years....starting with panties and stockings.... eventually some tops....and light make up. The turning point seemed to be when I bought breast forms and my first wig...things changed for us. She saw me in a different way, and to use her words, the sight was etched in her mind.

[Sabrina133]

Ive posted this in other places but ... I've had one LTR with my SO not knowing at first but finding out later. In this case, it did not go well and we broke in a very nasty way. I met my now wife at an LGBTQ event hosted by a family member. I was en femme when we met so I did not have to go through the revelation with her. At first we were just friends but it grew to love and eventually marriage.

[Robertacd]

I am one of the lucky ones... First off my "big reveal" did not come out of nowhere, I had worked it into bedroom play here and there. When I did reveal my wife understood what a big secret it was and why I was so afraid to tell her. (I have been dressing and hiding it all my life) I am lucky to have her, but my wife's acceptance has not been all rainbows and unicorns. I listened to her took her fears and desire into account, I even reigned it in for some time. But it never went away and I think that helped a lot in the "this is real, not a fetish" department. Speaking of "not a fetish" I believe that my dressing style helped a lot with her eventual full acceptance, as I always dressed to be me, dressed like a woman my age would dress, no fetish outfits, no stripper heals, or stuff like that.

The OP seems to be looking for some magic debate angle that won our supporting SO's over. I don't think there is one besides be honest and remember that it's not all about us.

[Jenny22]

My post was difficult to frame. In reply to Micki_Finn's comment, she's absolutely correct in that it is up to the SO to be inclined to accept or reject. I tried to cover that option by adding, "...as well as what was her background persona, beliefs, attitude, etc..". But the CD's or trans male's initial reveal may very well make a favorable impression on the SO to the extent that she becomes open minded and is at least willing to listen further rather then dismiss it outright, initially. It was in this regard that my questions were intended.

[Teresa]

Jenny,
For many of us we are in a no win situation , there is no right time . I was going to say to tell them what exactly , many of us don't know the truth until we reach this point , being buried deep in the closet or as I called it solitary confinement what exactly were we admitting to ? On the surface we are possibly saying we're not all men anymore but then it's very hard to answer what the alternative is . To me it was like a millstone lifted from my shoulders but then it doesn't get any easier because you have new decisions to make and other people to consider more . Counselling to my wife was looking for a cure !

Sometimes I get annoyed by much of what is said in these replies , many put the onus totally on our shoulders , it's all our fault but most of us had no choice in this . People put their hands up almost piously and say I was totally honest and above board before I married , if only it was as naively simple as that . Love and honesty is a two way siutation , I'm sure I was like many, we get to our wits end we don't know where to turn to , who to talk to , our partners/ wives are the ones we love and the ones that tell us they love us some of us have a frightening reality when those cards are dealt !

Looking for rights and wrongs and the mistakes we made is down to individual circumstances , the sad outcome for me is I possibly married the wrong person 44 years ago . In my case it would have been a mistake to remain in my marriage any longer , while I'm not saying that applies to everyone just ask yourself the question if the compromises you accept to stay married are a mistake on not . Sometimes we have to accept the damage is done and nothing on this Earth is going to put it right . Love is one thing but trust is just as important .

Maybe I am slighly cynical about relationships now but I do question the honesty of the so called fortunate ones , I don't believe some are being honest with themsleves which means they are still misleading their wives .

[ReineD]

Granted, some crossdressers make horrible mistakes when telling their SO's, such as thoughtlessly springing it on them (showing up dressed "as a surprise"), or passively-aggressively arranging for the SO to find out "by accident" such as finding pictures, items of makeup, or clothing. Or, by genuinely making mistakes (leaving laptops on, not cleaning up makeup stains from the bathroom sink) and having their SO's find out that the husband or boyfriend has been lying to them for years.

You DON'T want your SO to find out without you sitting her down and specifically telling her. You also don't want to minimize the situation initially (for example telling her it's just panties), to then begin the tortuous phase of ramping up in small increments, until she knows that you do fully dress, with makeup and forms, and you would like to go out in public. This approach is truly tortuous for most SOs because of the continual "surprises". They just don't know where it will end.

But if you avoid these potentially disastrous mistakes, the rest of it really isn't about what you can or cannot do to manipulate how your SO will take this. If you are honest about who you are and what you want, the rest is up to her. Whether a GG will accept this or not depends on her upbringing, religious beliefs, degree of liberalism or conservatism over social issues, the quality of her relationship with you, (does she feel confident in your relationship and does she feel loved by you), how long you've been in a relationship with her (is it new love or are you telling her after having lied or minimized for years).

Your best recourse is to just be honest. Also, a degree of flexibility is best. The two of you might need to negotiate what she sees and how often you dress.

[suchacutie]

I also came to the realization about Tina late in life, and it happened WITH my wife. When it suddenly dawned on us what the situation was, we were both intensely curious about where it would go. The key word in all of what happened for the next 18 months (where Tina grew from a complete surprise to a full-fledged part of our lives) was HONESTY.

If my wife asked a question the answer was given as I felt at that moment, but was always open to modification. She often asked us the same question to see if the answer was different in each gender: mostly the answers were the same, but not always! Sometimes we asked each other questions for which the answers were "I don't know, or I hadn't thought about that", resulting in a huge amount of introspection.

We asked a lot of questions about what made each of us comfortable with the new person in our marriage (Tina) and what didn't. That led to understandings about how far anything could go, all of that subject to experience as well. But all of it was out in the open

We also were so very curious about the hints that Tina existed for years but we just hadn't noticed. It was fascinating to run back through my childhood looking for Tina, and the crazy places where we found her influence. We also spent a lot of time talking about growing up in the two genders, and comparing notes! Those were fantastic conversations, and besides connecting us a lot, they helped all of us to understand each other better, and helped Tina to understand about being a girl.

Open honest curiosity and love. That seems to be what it is for us.

[JeanTG]

Your SO is either inclined to accept or she isn’t, and for the most part, nothing we do is really going to change that.

This is it exactly. I told my SO *before* we married (a long long time ago). She went ahead and married me anyway, but has never ever accepted it.

[stephNE]

I started dressing early, probably at around age 5. My parents caught me and beat me many times so by high school, I only did it on rare occasions. When I got to college I was out on a date and asked the girl if I could try on some of her clothes. She was cool with it! But a while later I asked a different girl and she freaked out. So a few years later (1979) I met my wife and knew I liked her a lot. I knew I had to dress at least on occasions, so I decided I need to see if this was going to work with her. On about our third date, she asked what I wanted to do that night, and I asked her if she wanted to help/ play a little fantasy with me. And she said sure, anything would be fine. So I asked her, and she dressed me and put on makeup and we sat in the floor of her apartment and played card games all night long! I am still married to her, 40 years later. She has accepted it, and even goes out with me as Stephanie.

[GretchenM]

Thank you Reine. It is great to hear your perspective.

Stephanie, that is probably one of the most beautiful approaches I have ever heard of. Wow! It considers both sides and the interaction between each in such a respectful way.

[Charleene]

This is my greatest fear, being discovered. I am new to a lot of this, so am trying to determine which path I follow. Coming out to my wife of 35+ years would be so difficult. She would not approve and I am certain end our marriage. I feel nothing I could do or say could change this. She is very liberal but I think will have trouble if she discovered her husband is not exactly who she thought he was.

I applaud those of you that have opened up to your wives.

[char GG]

This is my greatest fear, being discovered. I am new to a lot of this, so am trying to determine which path I follow. Coming out to my wife of 35+ years would be so difficult. She would not approve and I am certain end our marriage. I feel nothing I could do or say could change this. She is very liberal but I think will have trouble if she discovered her husband is not exactly who she thought he was.

I applaud those of you that have opened up to your wives.

Hi Charleene,
You are about in the same time period as my husband when he started CDing, (more than 35 years after we were married). After being married so long, it was definitely a big surprise (to say the least). We had our ups and downs, there was definitely a learning curve, but I would highly recommend not hiding this from your wife. Please re-read Reine's post about what not to do because if you start down this road, your wife is bound to find out sooner or later.


from Reine:
Your best recourse is to just be honest. Also, a degree of flexibility is best. The two of you might need to negotiate what she sees and how often you dress.

[Mermaiden]

For me it has been a work in progress. It started with me asking her if I could wear panties. I was nervous as hell, but she viewed it as a benign fetish and we had fun going on a shopping trip together. I thought it was just about panties, but it has evolved. I asked about camisoles and was given a clear “No”, and I didn’t bring up bras. I asked later about sleep wear and she said “yes”, but she didn’t seem happy with it, so I stopped wearing nightgowns around her.
A few years ago my work situation changed where I now am out of town 1/3 of the time. After hours on those days, I wear dresses, skirts, bras, night gowns, etc. I have told her I have a dress and she but didnt ask details so I let it drop.
She’s still ok with panties and knows I do more. I support her in any way I can, but I take care not to push things where she isn’t comfortable. This seems to work.

[Sallee]

I am kind of in the same boat told her years ago before marriage She accepted even participated a bit. Then she just decide she wanted nothing to do with it. So now I am DADT. Its been 35 year + maybe 40 anyway a long time since she has been aware of it

[Charleene]

Hi Charleene,
You are about in the same time period as my husband when he started CDing, (more than 35 years after we were married). After being married so long, it was definitely a big surprise (to say the least). We had our ups and downs, there was definitely a learning curve, but I would highly recommend not hiding this from your wife. Please re-read Reine's post about what not to do because if you start down this road, your wife is bound to find out sooner or later.

Thank you very much, I will read it. So you were married 35 years before he came out!! We have very similar situations. Love to hear yours and your husband's story. Certainly food for thought.

[suzanne]

I started out being quite unfortunate as far as my wife's reaction. During that time, I later learned, she would rather have seen me dead than in a dress. But I couldn't go back into the closet, so I employed the strategy of dressing as I pleased to show her that I was the same person she married and that I wasn't going to go further and pursue gender reassignment. It was rough. I could tell she hated what she saw, but she never said anything to me about it. My opinion was that I would continue until she expressed her feelings, which I would then consider then try to find a way to make my needs coexist with her feelings. But the ultimatum would be taken as a sign that she had no respect for me and the marriage would be over.

That day never came. We decided to see a counselor together, who managed to get her talking about her feelings enough to sort through them. Her decision was to accept my dressing, but refuse to go out in public with me while I'm dressed. It's a compromise we can live with, and a couple of years later, I can still sense that her acceptance is still growing? So I have to say I've become more fortunate as the years have passed.

[DTelia]

I put her and my family first. I let her know this sense/need was something so vital to my well being and that I wouldn't jeopardize her or our family. Then we talked lots ... We still do. She did her own research and saw that my peace increased. She saw I became a less agitated. The result is I'm no longer forced to mute everything and if I need time for expressing she makes it happen. She discovered this sense/need is a benefit to us, not just me. In short, love, patience, compassion, and understanding goes a long way.

Gotta agree w/Renee, and it's a similar approach that I took. I shared this secret with my wife before we were married. She kinda knew something was up and was curious, but prior to this revelation, I had never even put on an item of girl's clothing. I just knew I wanted to since I was a young child. She had her moments of confusion, but found that I cared most about her and our family, period.

Now, here's where it gets tricky. Even when you have your wife's support, it's easy to mess it up. In my opinion, the biggest problem w/Crossdressing is that it's by nature quite selfish and it's consuming. That's the bad part of the fog for me. And it's tough to really think about much else. Then when I give in and the wife helps me dress or tells me to dress, etc, you'd think this selfish desire would maybe go away, but for me...and probably others, it becomes more validation that I need it.

The other day, my wife said..."you like to talk about it and we talk about it all the time." This wasn't a jab, just a reality that I need to remember to have balance in all of this. In my opinion, it's a slippery slope. If you have a spouse who can help you and if you have really solid communication, and if you meet her and the family's needs first, even when that means going overboard..you do it.

I think most CD's expect more from their spouses than they probably deserve. It's kind of a harsh criticism, but you can see it/read it throughout this site that some have lost balance...and maybe impacted their family, friends, and employment because of it.

[JenniferR771]

I consider crossdressing a fetish. It is weird. It is sexually driven. As such, she is upset and a bit mentally jealous. She wants to be the only object of your affection. Appreciate her, respect the many things she does around the house and family. She needs your respect, devotion and affection. And it would not hurt to buy her something pretty--like a blue Toyota.

[Victoria_R]

For me before my wife and I got married as on one of our dates we was driving down a road. She asked me a question. She said I want to know a deep secret about you in your life. I was like well I can come up with a story that's no big deal or tell her my secret. I asked her to tell me hers first to see if mine would be worse telling. So after she was done I man up and told her I am a crossdresser and I love panties and lingerie and dress as a woman. At first she thought I was joking but I went in deepth and explain everything to her. She was thankful I came out and told her. I said I didn't want her to find a bra and panties that didn't belong to her and think I was cheating because they was mine lol. So we talked more and she did the research and she accepted is and we married. Now we have been married for two years now and I have my moments where I don't want to dress or be Victoria she has got so used to it that when we go to bed she points out where are your panties or why are you not wearing your panties. And I just have to say I don't feel like it today or tonight lol and she just laughed. Now I am so blessed to have my wife who is excepting of me and I am so happy i told her this side of me.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

From Robbin the Hider:

I got found out by having a weird tropical illness lay me low in Chicago. My wife had to get into my electronic devices at the Apple store because medical information was needed.

This came at a particularly bad time because I gave some character on this site an opening and he was sending me all kinds of really tiresome sex messages. She couldn’t read them beyond the first few. The cat was out of the bag but I didn’t wake up from an induced coma until 4 days later.

For me, the advice that I would give is to use your fem-ness and not be a person who has to provide a solution. A man does that. Women do not have to. We have an option to be weak. We can use it and I often do.

My wife agreed to a full discussion of this CD “problem” in a month. That was five years ago. She never wants to bring it up and that’s fine with me. Part of our agreement was to go to an alcohol recovery program to address my “issue”, which is, of course, pure folly. It made her happy and I had a few years to talk to people about all kinds of issues.

Advice: Don’t control it. Admit your being but don’t provide any “solutions” that people put in front of you. They aren’t you. To be found out is very freeing. Yes, she may file for divorce ... but probably not. Be useful in the home and your path from which to work will probably follow.
❤️r

[sometimes_miss]

It turned out that nothing I could have done differently would have made any difference. After finding out, we did go to a therapist, and my ex revealed that had she known I was a crossdresser before we got married, she never would have married me, this, after a couple years of therapy and she learning as much as she could about it. It was simply something that she could not accept. I understand that; there are just some things that we get so completely turned off by, that it interferes with being attracted to them.

[SaraLin]

The "Big Reveal" hasn't happened... and probably never will.

I told her about my CD'ing when we were dating and before we got serious. She set some "ground rules" of what was acceptable and what was not: Panties, ok - Nighties, ok - anything more than that, she doesn't want to see.

Other than a couple minor incidents of trying on a skirt or dress, she hasn't seen me in anything beyond the agreed-upon limits. Even though I'm in nighties daily and panties always, I haven't been in bra, dress, wig, or makeup in a L-O-N-G time (and never when she's around).

Do I miss being able to dress more fully? Yes.
Can I live without it? Yes.

My limited dressing keeps the pressure from building up too much. I can still feel feminine at least a little bit while still being the man she wants.

I'm sure she'd like it if I stopped entirely, and I KNOW I'd like it if I could be free to express the 'real' me. But- the compromise we've reached is acceptable and only a little uncomfortable for both of us, and because we love each other, we make it work.

Oh - one more thing... she found pictures of me dressed up (on the computer, where else?) and was NOT happy about it, but stopped short of making me get rid of them, and saying she "never wanted to see them again" (My thoughts were "well don't snoop around in my files" but of course I didn't say that out loud )

[Leelou]

Micki, I don't think that it is a false notion that acceptance is (only) dependent on the Cd's actions. I inserted the only. I think that she realizes that from the start. However, her question is a good one, because many thought about how they did their own big reveals and many probably learned after that hindsight really is more accurate than foresight. So, many may have good recommendations on words used, logistics/timing of when to reveal, how much detail to get into in first conversation, etc. As has been said by several here that bringing up something that may have been discussed before is good for the site and members because people tend to read new topics before going back to look for history, that applies to stickies too. If we said read the sticky to everyone, a lot of good threads with good responses may never be started or continued.

I agree. I'm glad Jenny started this thread. It has been great reading these stories of coming out to wives and SO's. The sticky referenced is 15 pages long, and I'm not really interested in reading all of it. So a fresh discussion of this very important topic is nice.

As for me, I've been out to three women and have been accepted every time. I came out to my first wife in my early 20's before we were married. At the time it was just panties and nighties, as my desire to fully dress hadn't developed yet. I think this was largely due to this being pre-internet and I hadn't really thought about doing more. The reveal was pretty uneventful. I just told that I liked to wear them, and she was OK with that.

It's interesting to reflect on it now, since I didn't address all of the things then that I did the last time I came out to a SO-since this was pre-internet and I knew less then. For example, I didn't say that I wasn't interested in men sexually, that I didn't want to transition, live full-time, or dress in public (that came later). And she never asked any of those questions. Different times for me. I just told her that I liked to wear the clothes, and we went on our merry way. Our eventual divorce had nothing to do with my crossdressing, and I still have some very fond memories of that time.

[jacques]

hello Jenny,
there is no easy way to do the Reveal - it is really scary if you are a closet crossdresser.
I am so lucky that my wife accepts my dressing much more than I do... she says "it's only clothes"
I still get scared when I do little reveals - just a new costume or make up... we do not talk about it.
luv J

[Dana3]

Wife No. # 1 Married 11 years. Confessed up in 88' ~ Got divorced in 91. Confined mostly to dressing in Wife's clothing.

Long Term cohabitating GF ~ 6-1/2 years. Told here within less than a year. Crossdressing, even though simplistic, and nothing all out, was the primary reason for the breakup.

Wife No. 2. Informed her of my almost compulsive wish from the start. Very much doesn't want to discuss it, out of sight, out of mind.

Was told:

"What you do on your own time and privately isn't on me. Privately meaning just you.

What you do in private is your business...I don't have to know."

Not exactly what to make of that?

[Stephanie47]

My wife summed it with two phrases;

1) "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!"

2) "Let me know about your feminine side when you can have a baby!"

Those sentiments came from her in the early 1980's. There was no internet. There was no resource materials. There was no societal acceptance for any deviation from just plain vanilla man and woman relationships. So, that's the way our "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" married started. Married for close to fifty years. Back then I had a gift box of slips and several nightgowns in my armoire draw. Originally, we had incorporated nightgowns into the bedroom which was probably viewed as a little sexual kink. However, when I progressed further, it hit the wall.

I made some attempts to have her engaged in some ways to accept my desires. She was so traumatized by just the mere attempt to buy several pairs of panties that I realized two things. First, I did not really need her acceptance to validate myself. Second, pushing my desires on her was nothing more than spousal mental abuse.

Her inner self and beliefs are never going to allow Stephanie to create a threesome. She is very liberal when it comes to accepting gays and lesbians and transgender men or women, but, she did not and would not choose to marry one. Fortunately, outside of this quirk in me our marriage has been rich and fulfilling. She also had told me about her rather complex life prior to I ever knowing her. If I accepted her with all her faults, then she said it would have been two faced not to accept me with my faults.

[Asew]

I told my wife about a year ago. After a couple months she was ok with me wearing a skirt around our kids, and within a couple weeks all our friends and family knew and saw. She still has limits of not dressing in our town to avoid the kids from getting bullied, but she isn't really a fan of going out with me dressed either. So I feel like she is somewhere between tolerating and accepting.

[Debs]

Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome, whoops sorry missed a bit, it's OK for them to wear our clothes

[abbiedrake]

My own story is a little different to most.
I've underdressed for years. My wife knew but didn't care for it and so there were the typical purges and restocks. I was basically in a DADT situation before I'd been acquainted with the term.
18 months ago I decided I'd had enough of the purge cycle and told my wife so. I was pretty blunt, largely because I didn't see liking women's underwear as THAT big a deal. My wife's pretty liberal. I figured she'd accept it as 'meh'. I had been drinking. I wouldn't recommend that, though neither would I say it especially impacted the conversation.
She essentially spat at me that I should just admit I'm a tranny and why don't I just put on a dress.
OK, so judge how you will what I did next. The next day I did indeed put on a dress. Two, in fact. I'm 5 inches taller than her but the maxi dress I tried first was dragging the floor. Of course I didn't own heels then... The second dress was a sundress. Not exactly October attire but I wasn't going anywhere. Probably my biggest mistake that day was dressing before my wife woke. She didn't appreciate the sudden reveal. On the flip side if I'd waited and expressed a desire to try on a dress she might have said no. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
I liked wearing the dresses. Which was confusing. To clarify I had dressed twice before in my life, both during my first marriage. Once for a party and once when I wore my wife's wedding dress to work. My first marriage was such though that even entertaining any thoughts about continuing were self-censored into oblivion. This was different and I knew I wanted to do it again and I told my wife so. Bear in mind this was more than a year before joining this site so when I told her I might want to dress a couple of times a year, it was partly naivety about my own desires and partly about the perils of promising an undeliverable status quo.
Months went by. Then a month after my birthday I summoned up the courage to ask for some help dressing. My wife obliged, even doing my hair and makeup. But it felt like an imposition and I disliked doing it.
As you're all familiar though, that genie just would not oblige by slipping back into her bottle. I started buying clothes at charity stores. This proved a less financially burdensome way of finding my style but my wife and I weren't talking much about it. She was in a stage of denial, that this was a phase. She still hopes that, to a degree.
Following a CD or two on YouTube helped me understand myself more, followed soon after by joining this site. Both rapidly taught me that I could be more open and honest than I had. Not that I'd lied especially, but I was learning about myself and struggling to pass that on. That meant the inevitable accusations of escalation.
The last half a year has seen ongoing discussions, often circular in nature.
Here's a key thing I realised recently. Acceptance is not the same as understanding. Indeed one can accept without understanding. My wife's difficulty lies largely in this distinction. She finds it nigh impossible to accept something she can't understand. It makes little sense. We all have preferences we can't, nor need to, justify. But I accept (without fully understanding) that this does bother her. And before others point out any number of obvious reasons she has for her reticence it's worth noting she's perplexed and upset at her own lack of tolerance.
I guess my point is acceptance is the key word here. It's OK to not have all the answers. Especially if, as in my own case, it's as much a surprise to you as to your SO. But if you have any respect and love you owe all the answers you have.
There's no silver bullet here.
Also, as has been pointed out, the immediate search for solutions is a typically male pattern of behaviour. Sometimes a thing can just be said and that's it. Relationships are a partnership. You both have a right to determine what your crossdressing means to you, and what limits you're willing to accept. Absolutism is no-one's friend when it comes to bringing up CDing in a pre-existing relationship.
For myself this has meant a number of (often self-imposed) limitations. Abbie's stuff is out of the bedroom and into the dressing room. Wife gets warned of impending dressing. And I present as wholly male when out with her. I don't dress to go out on my own, again out of respect, but I'd like to. I also limit the extent to which I femme up. I still have my beard (for now) and I haven't worn my forms in some time. These scale backs seem reasonable. Certainly for now. And certainly while I try to figure out a level of dressing that works for me. Would I dress full-time? Emphatically not. Would I dress to go out often? I have no idea. For all I know I'll do it once and swear never again. I might decide once or twice a year scratches the itch. Or I might find it gives me something I can't find elsewhere. I don't know.
Again absolutism is the enemy here. Openness, honesty, and flexibility. That's what I've learned here. And the hard way.
Onward and upward.

[DaisyLawrence]

Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome,

NO it isn't.

[Lydianne]

And it would not hurt to buy her something pretty--like a blue Toyota.

I've always considered Toyotas extremely ugly cars :yucky:, but they'll run forever! ( Except in the 2016 Le Mans 24 hour, when they'll run for 23 hours 54 mins! :doh: ).

- Lydianne.

[t-girlxsophie]

I "met" my wife online,not a dating site I may add.So she knew everything about me from the start,after a few months we met up (i was in drab) I introduced Sophie in person to her a few months later.My first marriage was blighted by my behaviour so I made a vow If I was lucky enough to find someone else to share my life with I needed to be upfront from the start



Debs
Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome, whoops sorry missed a bit, it's OK for them to wear our clothes

No offence Debs,but that's just not true,why discount the stories of successful relationships from contributors on here

Sophie

[char GG]

Bottom line, they don't like it, get ready to accept a DADT, that's always the outcome, whoops sorry missed a bit, it's OK for them to wear our clothes

I believe that you may be generalizing here. If "they" don't like it, DADT is not always the outcome. What is true for you may not be true for others.

I don't know who you are talking to when you say, "it's ok for them to wear our clothes". Everyone should just wear their own clothes whatever gender they are presenting as.

[Maid_Marion]

My wife was the one who let the "genie out of the bottle." I hated buying men's clothes because at my size, there weren't any. But, she became concerned about what I wore to work, and suggested I buy women's tops in men's styles!
She later suggested underdressing in panties, but I didn't go there until just recently.

[Becoming Brianna]

Rejected. Big time. Now I'm single but at least I'm free to explore my gender identity and find out who I am and what I need to do.

[Aunt Kelly]

I've always considered Toyotas extremely ugly cars :yucky:, but they'll run forever! ( Except in the 2016 Le Mans 24 hour, when they'll run for 23 hours 54 mins! :doh: ).



Ain't that the painful truth.

Back to the topic...
This has been an unusually interesting thread. First of all, I remain even more convinced that deception is always a bad bet. Rare is the partner who will not be deeply hurt by such a thing. Rarer still are those who will embrace, tolerate, or even stick around after discovering the deception. I understand that those who've made the mistake of hiding their nature from their partners may have invested no small amount of time in the relationship and don't wish to lose that by coming out. It's a tough call and, happily, not one I had to make this time (out from the start). That investment in honesty and trust seems to be paying off as we now coming to grips with me being TS (something neither of us saw coming).

My second observation is the commonly expressed notion that we are "selfish" in our pursuit satisfaction of this need. Again, honesty and empathy seem to pay dividends to those who've made such things a fundamental part of their relationships. Though far from universal, there is a pattern there. "I know you didn't bargain for this. Neither did I, but we're faced with it. How can we handle this so that both our needs are met?", is a common refrain with those couples still together.

[abbiedrake]

I rather tend to think Debs may have been taken a little more harshly than intended because she dropped the preposition 'if'. It's a thing that Brits tend not to do so much and it can cause some miscommunication. I know this from 20 years living with an American!
That said it's not a particularly useful generalisation that an SO who doesn't like her partner dressing means DADT, simple as. People ARE capable.of tolerating things in each other that they dislike. My own wife dislikes my dressing but on balance she'd rather put up with my dressing from time to time than end our relationship. I'm not DADT and I'd prefer not to be, even if my circumstances allowed it. As her full-time carer DADT would be impossible and yet our relationship AND my dressing persist.

[Crissy 107]

My wife was the one who let the "genie out of the bottle." I hated buying men's clothes because at my size, there weren't any. But, she became concerned about what I wore to work, and suggested I buy women's tops in men's styles!
She later suggested underdressing in panties, but I didn't go there until just recently.
Marion, You have a terrific wife and I enjoyed reading your post!