Not Sure Why

[DianneM]

Hi All
Forgive me if I just ramble, but I think I need to talk.
I am out verbally to my SO but she does not want to Dianne in any way. She is very accepting, even buying me cloths, knows what I do but has made it very clear that if she ever did see Dianne in any form our relationship would need to change.
As part of our understanding she asked that I not post online anymore, which I had complied with until now.
Lately I have been dressing more and in ways that could lead to me outing myself to colleges and family even with the knowledge that our relationship would completely change.
This scares me terribly as I am truly happy with the life I have with my family, but it is only part of me and I feel Dianne emerging more and more and this frightens me even more as I don't know if this is a good or bad.
I want everything but may end up with nothing.
I am finding it hard atm to restrict my activities and I don't know if this is a subconscious act to release Dianne.
Thanks for listening.
Dianne

[Macey]

Talk to your wife about this. Gently, and pick your time and words wisely. Also, it may be time to seek out some therapy to help you sort through these thoughts and feelings. If you're a crossdresser, there's nothing wrong with that up until it prevents you from enjoying the other parts of your life. If you're trans, you may need to address that so you can live your life authentically. Or there may be other things going on that need addressing. Either way, I'm glad you're reaching out and I imagine any advice given here will be varied and incomplete for what you need, but the venting is good and most of the girls here are supportive!

[Helen_Highwater]

Dianne,

When your SO talks of "our relationship would need to change", do you know exactly what she's talking about? Divorce, separate sleeping arrangements, you spending time away from the home? As it stands it's a vague statement that needs clarification.

As Macy has said you need to discuss this with your wife, gently. I would suggest running any possible conversations through your head many times. Practice makes perfect and knowing what you want to say and also things you definitely don't will make the task easier.

One thing serms clear. This is something that's eating at you and unlikely to go away.

Your SO's demand that you stop any online communication is possibly one reason why you're struggling now. Being able to discuss this with others acts as a safety valve, something now denied to you. Perhaps a little give and take is called for.

[alwayshave]

Dianne, my ex-wife always made threats as a way of manipulating and controlling. When I finally walked out, man did her tune change. I'm not suggesting the same, I'm just asking does she use threats to get other things as well.

[char GG]

Hi Dianne,
I am just a bit curious why your wife doesn't want to you to post online because it appears you only have 13 posts on Crossdresser.com since 2015. Were you posting on other websites that she would object to - or just any site in general? This website strives to be family friendly. I wonder if she would benefit by coming here. Only you know how she would feel about that.

Nevertheless, perhaps more communication would be in order since your feelings seem to be more intense. You indicate that you have a happy life with your family which is great. I understand why you wouldn't want to jeopardize that. Maybe a mutual agreement for a time and place to dress or possibly a social group could be beneficial. Again, this is only a suggestion. You know your life and wife best.

Best wishes to you.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Might I suggest looking at seeing a Therapist who specializes in Gender issues.

That would provide you with an outlet to talk about these issues and help resolve them.

I do think you're playing with fire right now with your dressing "... ways that could lead to me outing myself to colleges and family..."

All put together I think you need to see a therapist. Mine helped me tremendously in ways I didn't even realize at the time.

[Stephanie47]

I think your wife is fearing all the negativity that may arise if you outed yourself to others. Maybe she fears when you post on this site that you'll provide sufficient information to be identified by ???.. a lurker? A fellow crossdresser?

You need to find out what her statement means. What would change? That could be divorce to all the way to she gets turned on by you as a woman, although I doubt that. Her life as she knows it could change if you self outed yourself.

As to posting on this site if she has a worry concerning discovery, perhaps only posting in the "members' only" sections is a compromise. I would not let her dictate your reasonable actions and interests. But, for marital harmony, you should discuss this with her.

[Tracii G]

I think she is more worried what people will think of her if you were to be outed.

[Debs]

Please dont take this the wrong way, how good are you, do you do your own makeup, choose your own clothes, go out dressed ?, I do , my wife looks at me in a different light now, when I first told her, she did everything for me, Now im independant its different.

[Eemz]

Before I came out one of the things stopping me was that I was afraid my relationships with people I'd known all my life would change. But I eventually realized that they *needed* to change. I'm part of those relationships too and the existing state of them wasn't based on a full picture of who I am.

Most of them survived, some are still a bit shaky, but many of them are much better than they ever could have been before. Because I'm fully there now, which I wasn't.

> our relationship would need to change

If this part of you is going to emerge then your relationship will *need* to change. That's just a statement of fact.
Whether she intended it that way or not :)

[DianneM]

Thanks for all the reply's and the prompt to see a therapist.
Not to seem as though I am complaining ( although I am - what a contradiction ). I do have it pretty good compared to where it could have gone (and still may).
We started sleeping in different beds (same room), due to a medical condition my SO had to make it easier for her to sleep. This was prior to my coming out. Because of it I started sleeping in nighties and underwear, which led to my joining this forum to glean what was happening to me.
I was exposing myself to be discovered so I eventually confessed one evening ( apologising for the years of deceit ). She was shocked, jumped to the wrong conclusions when I said I had something to tell her. Asked the standard questions "am I gay" "do I want to become a woman" all answered no at the time as that was where I was. But the main stipulation was that she not see. Her words 'I need to be more of a man than she is' and seeing me would irrevocably alter her view of me and our relationship.
Skip forward a couple of years and I know I need more, the support has been there allowing me free time at home to dress, knowing I sleep in nighties ect. Buys me cloths and underwear as she feels I spend too much money on things (more than she does on herself). So has been very supportive in that respect.
I have been out in various states of dress to buy heels nighties underwear. (at times still very nervous).
I have not managed to develop my makeup or source a wig as I have never any real time to myself. I want to do this , I want to go out, I want to try and pass. How far I don't know and this might be what is also troubling me.
I know I have remained relatively quiet on these forums. As with conversations with my SO her view is that any form of external interaction is a form of outing.
I don't thing I am asking anything just rambling ( needing to have a conversation with like minded people with a view to feel less alone )
Just to add to our lot my SO is recovering from cancer.

Love All
Dianne

[sometimes_miss]

Her words 'I need to be more of a man than she is' and seeing me would irrevocably alter her view of me and our relationship.
It never ceases to amaze me that so many men here, don't understand that women want a masculine man as a mate, and that our dressing up as women ruins that image for them.

[Beverley Sims]

From Lexi in the previous post.

A very astute observation.

[Robertacd]

It never ceases to amaze me that so many men here, don't understand that women want a masculine man as a mate, and that our dressing up as women ruins that image for them.

I have to agree with Lexi as my wife told me that the hardest part to accepting was the fact that she still found me sexually attractive when dressed, and that means that she is probably a little bisexual.

We all have to accept that not every women will still find us attractive dressed or even if they do, be able accept what that means about themselves.