First steps...

[Becoming Brianna]

Ever since I told my mom(I'm living with her while I save money to eventually move out) that my struggles with my gender identity had resurfaced she has been nothing but accepting which is a big change from years ago. When I get off work today we're going to get manicures and pedicures buy some makeup and maybe some clothes. I can't thank my mom enough for being so great. She finally sees how important expressing myself as a woman is and how happy this makes me. Except for the occasional struggle with the weight of everything I might have to do or the battles with doubt about where I truly identify I'm as happy confident and productive as I've ever been. Even though I don't know just how far it goes, I'm finally getting to explore and learn about myself in an accepting environment and it feels great! I've never been happier! With great excitement, and admittedly a little bit of nervousness, I'm taking the first small steps toward becoming my true self. These steps may appear small insignificant and not noteworthy but for me especially with my anxious and easily overwhelmed personality they mean everything! Thank you everyone for all of your love and support! I couldn't have reached this point without you! Much love to you all!

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Brianna,

OMG, this is such good news. I am so happy that your mom has been so accepting. I hope you find much love and happiness on your journey.

Hugs,
Robin

[Macey]

It really helps to have someone in your corner! Go Brianna! Go Mom!

[Leelou]

Congratulations Brianna! That is so great, your mom sounds wonderful. I don't think this is small or insignificant at all. This is huge!

I know that my mom knows about my CD'ing as I was out to my first wife and they talked several times after the divorce and I know it was discussed. We have a DADT relationship regarding my crossdressing, but she has dropped some not-so-subtle hints in general. It's wonderful to have a mom that knows and still loves me. I'm tempted to talk to her about it, but I think she's comfortable with the DADT.

Have fun with the mani/pedi's and shopping! That sounds wonderful.

[Tracii G]

Thats wonderful news.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Brianna :hugs:, Mom's are special people and yours I awesome. >Orchid ...:daydreaming:+..

[Becoming Brianna]

I just got home from what was a great experience from start to finish. First we went to a local nail salon and both got clear coats for our hands and toes (I'm not out to anyone at work so I don't want anyone to notice yet). Unfortunately, because I was still presenting male the nail artist thought I was a typical male client and wanted cuticle oil and not polish so I didn't get any on my toes. I made sure to correct that error on my hands and they are shining. It feels great! Nobody thought it was weird or out of place that I was there everyone treated me just fine.

Afterwards we went to Kmart, my mom walked me through what I would need makeup wise, we got a nice subtle red lipstick, some eyeliner, blush, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, a pack of panties (surprisingly they had some that fit me I've lost a lot of weight since my mother (and father though I don't think he's ready to see me presenting as a woman) finally accepted the real me but I'm still extremely overweight. Fortunately the largest size available actually fits me! Progress! That was a very rewarding feeling! we also bought an ocean water blue necklace and an set of earrings that are close to the necklace's color if not a bit more on the azure side. It's too early for me to be thinking about actually going out dressed (I need to lose more weight first) but I'm already thinking about my first outfit. I told my mom I wanted a dress to match the necklace and earrings and a wig to match my hair the next time, but right now it just feels great to start expressing the real me!

We finished with dinner at Applebee's She had chicken penne I had shrimp wonton stir fry. We talked about what a great day it was how much fun we had and about the outfit I was designing in my head. She told me she thinks I can pull it off. I thanked her for being so cool about everything and asked her if she's sure she's not embarrassed and that she's sure she's okay with all of this: she said "yes It was making me depressed to see you so depressed with no way to fix it I'm so glad you're happy now. It's making me happy and I love you enough to give up what I wanted for what makes you happy." I feel so loved. And so lucky. I see a shine and sparkle returning to my eyes that I haven't seen in years. I'm about halfway to seeing Brianna come out for the first time and I'm excited to finally get there! Hopefully I can see her by the end of the summer.

I've discovered that since I know so little about myself in relation to experience outside of my birth gender and now that it's safe for me to do so and I'm accepted I'm just going to explore for now and see what's right and what fits. No more tearing myself open and analyzing every single thought that comes into my head. No more stressful mental back and forths. No more searching for definitive answers before taking any steps. Time to learn by experience and just enjoy life by taking it as it comes. I'm happy right now so why should I mess with that? I spent too long being unhappy. The clarity I seek on the bigger questions concerning potential transition will come with time. Right now I'm just happy that I'm beginning to truly be me whoever that is.

Here's some wise words from my mom. She was doing the crypto quote in the newspaper today and this was the quote that came up. It's so apropos that I thought I would share it because I think it benefits all of us: "Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

[Leelou]

Thanks for the follow up post Brianna! That sounds wonderful. Cherish that mom, she's awesome. It's clear that she loves you and just wants you to be happy. Best wishes.

[Beverley Sims]

Brianna,

A mothers support in these times is everything.

Help and support her as well.

She is your best mate and always will be.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Brianna,

Thank you so much for the update. I am truly happy for you.

Robin

[alwayshave]

Briana, It is so cool that your mom is on board with your gender expression.

[Crissy 107]

Brianna, We like progress and you certainly made some yesterday, you have a truly wonderful mother who loves you so much. I am very happy for you.
You should consider that last line for your signature.

[DMichele]

Brianna,
Great story! Great mom - kudos to her for being open and supportive. Long may you and your mother be happy!
Beat wishes!

[JaclynL61]

Excellent Brianna. Moms are awesome.

[Stephanie47]

It's great to have someone close to you accept you. It represents unconditional love.

[Becoming Brianna]

I also saw a great deep purple necklace that I wasn't sure if I loved or not so I didn't get it, but after looking online for tops I realized that I should totally go out and buy it just so that I have some options and variety in my wardrobe. I will do so at my next opportunity. I need to be careful. I need to take this slow but my mind wants to run with this at times and if I'm not careful I will let it. I need to be responsible, I can't spend my entire paycheck on new items when I haven't even presented yet. I need to start with one and make sure it feels right to be doing this before plunging, I also need to consider the factor of my girlfriend's acceptance. We love each other deeply but she is not supportive of the whole idea of me presenting as a woman and potentially transitioning. She wants to be but she was raised very religious so her views on gender roles and expression are very traditional. She wants a traditional life and a traditional relationship so I know that this would cause some strain. I just hope she'll see that I am so much happier this way and will want to stay with a partner that isn't totally depressed, but I don't know.

[Aunt Kelly]

Do something nice for your mom, Brianna. She's a very special lady, Let her know that you treasure her love and acceptance.

You mentioned "small steps" a couple of posts back. The may be small, but none are insignificant if they are part of the work of learning to become your authentic self. Many here focus on physical changes, you know, hormones and surgery. While those are big steps, they aren't what make you who you are. You already are who you are. Getting to know and accept her will be ...and adventure.

Good luck to you.

[Becoming Brianna]

Thank you Kelly. That is very good and profound advice. I am enjoying this process of finally getting acquainted with who I really am. I know it won't always be sunshine but I'm trying to prepare for the storms as best I can guided by the unshakable truth that I need to do this. I need to find out who I am and live and be that person. I truly treasure my mother she has been and is incredible throughout my life. Her opinion is the one that always mattered to me the most. Her acceptance sent me soaring and got me to care about living life again. When I was in my worst mental states, she was the one I tried hardest to push away, but she never wavered. She always stayed right there. I asked her last night what she wanted, she told me she just wanted me to keep being happy. I can't believe I get to call such a wonderfully selfless person "Mom."

- - - Updated - - -

Went out in the world today for the first time. I still presented largely male but had my makeup and necklace on with my panties on underneath. It's all the female clothing and cosmetics that I have right now.I spent the whole day like this. My brother asked me about my necklace (I had tucked it under my shirt as a means to conceal it) and asked if I was wearing eyeliner. I played it off and went to my room to compose myself. During that time my mother told him what was going on that I am exploring my gender identity and expression with their full support and backing and he came and told me that I could expect the same from them and that they would help me in any way they can. They also said that I looked good and had noticed how happy I had been lately. I felt loved. I then went out for a walk with my mom still wearing everything and all I got were friendly hellos and smiles. No snickers or comments that I could hear. All I did was take some advice I have gotten here: I walked confidently acted like I belonged owned what I was wearing what little it was and I will continue to do so as I continue moving forward. It felt great and I can't wait for more. Maybe the world isn't such an awful scary place for people like us after all. But I will take the advice of my brother and always be careful where I go and who I associate with when presenting female. I think that's really good and sound advice. I will definitely keep my guard up without appearing to lack confidence. I'm slowly stepping out there and although I am nervous and a bit fearful I am loving and enjoying every minute of it and I can't wait for more!