CharlaineCadence
03-23-2006, 10:11 PM
I've been running rampart in the cd forum but afraid to post hear knowing all to well this is where I belong. Forginve me if i ramble because well honestly i am scared to post this. not becaues others will se it but because I am accepting who I am.
Most who know me close call me Char. short for Charlaine I have for as long as i can remember wanted to be a female. I have wanted to do the things women do live the way they do and most of all I have and still yern for the one gift I know i shall never have. That magical feeling of a blessed being growing inside me.
I dont know if it was the for sisters i grew up with, the way my mother coveted my sisters or just how they got the express their feelings. When i was never allowed. i dont know but I have always known that I am a woman at heart.
At 30 years old I have been widdowed twice, Raped twice (yes men get raped to), fought in a war and seen more things then most men of the age of 50. To the point the thouse who cannot comprehend this call me a lier. proof or no proof.
I started crossdressing as a child steeling my sisters dresses and bathing suits. Untill I was caught and chastised. Causeing me to feel guilty and evil to the point of attempted susicide. As I grew into adulthood I secretly hid my desires fawning over my feelings and trying to hold them back. When I joined the army I met my first wife. I told her my deep dark secret and she helped me to embrace it partly at home. Then like a gust of wind she was gone taken from me by the hands of another man killed while carrying my only child. I was devistated, lost I was so angry and hurt i tried to remove the life we had built togeather.
I distroid everything my wife and I had built thinking it would supress and hide everything for ever. Two years later I met another woman whom i married she never knew my secret. Everything was fine except my feelings got stronger. I thought maybe her clothes would help me so i started dresssing again. I steeling her clothes and enjoying letting the women in me out but the guilt grew. After i came home from Iraq she passed away from an terminal illness. I hid my feelings again.
Then in november on 2005 I broke; everything hit me like a train hitting a deer. Every feeling, vision, you name it it all came back. The only thing stoping me from taking my own life this time was the fact that I have friends that I can talk to now something as a child i did not.
After seeking help from the medical community I have been diagnosed with gender dysforia an now takeing the baby steps into the possability of a full transformation. Only thouse close to me know at this point where I stand. The rest who know me just think I love to crossdress. Then their are others who have no clue. For years I have fought this and now i am tired of hideing who i really am. I am sick of the masks i have worn and the pain that the masks have caused.
Most who know me close call me Char. short for Charlaine I have for as long as i can remember wanted to be a female. I have wanted to do the things women do live the way they do and most of all I have and still yern for the one gift I know i shall never have. That magical feeling of a blessed being growing inside me.
I dont know if it was the for sisters i grew up with, the way my mother coveted my sisters or just how they got the express their feelings. When i was never allowed. i dont know but I have always known that I am a woman at heart.
At 30 years old I have been widdowed twice, Raped twice (yes men get raped to), fought in a war and seen more things then most men of the age of 50. To the point the thouse who cannot comprehend this call me a lier. proof or no proof.
I started crossdressing as a child steeling my sisters dresses and bathing suits. Untill I was caught and chastised. Causeing me to feel guilty and evil to the point of attempted susicide. As I grew into adulthood I secretly hid my desires fawning over my feelings and trying to hold them back. When I joined the army I met my first wife. I told her my deep dark secret and she helped me to embrace it partly at home. Then like a gust of wind she was gone taken from me by the hands of another man killed while carrying my only child. I was devistated, lost I was so angry and hurt i tried to remove the life we had built togeather.
I distroid everything my wife and I had built thinking it would supress and hide everything for ever. Two years later I met another woman whom i married she never knew my secret. Everything was fine except my feelings got stronger. I thought maybe her clothes would help me so i started dresssing again. I steeling her clothes and enjoying letting the women in me out but the guilt grew. After i came home from Iraq she passed away from an terminal illness. I hid my feelings again.
Then in november on 2005 I broke; everything hit me like a train hitting a deer. Every feeling, vision, you name it it all came back. The only thing stoping me from taking my own life this time was the fact that I have friends that I can talk to now something as a child i did not.
After seeking help from the medical community I have been diagnosed with gender dysforia an now takeing the baby steps into the possability of a full transformation. Only thouse close to me know at this point where I stand. The rest who know me just think I love to crossdress. Then their are others who have no clue. For years I have fought this and now i am tired of hideing who i really am. I am sick of the masks i have worn and the pain that the masks have caused.