I wonder...

[dara_nyc]

Hello to the community...

I wonder for the following: if my wife’s fear of the threat crossdressing poses to our marriage will diminish.

We are in couple’s counseling and no longer in crisis mode (thank GOD!). I have agreed to keep my crossdressing at home and when I go to my individual counseling. However, I am curious about being a part of the CD community to a degree here in NYC. And this she may never be OK with...

I look forward to hearing your replies.

[Macey]

If you feel the need for a real life meetup in person support network, you may need to bring this up in counseling. I'd have to imagine that NYC would have several robust and active CD groups. At any rate, be patient with your wife and yourself! :)

[JennaDcd]

My wife claimed to be "ok" with my crossdressing when she first discovered it. I was honest and told her it has been a part of who I am since as far back as I can remember. She admitted it was a little strange to her, which I understood. She's always been into "manly" men, so having a husband who enjoys dressing up like her from time to time was a lot to digest and process. Unfortunately, in the end, she just couldn't fully accept it and it made other seemingly minor issues larger ones, and ultimately led to our divorce.

All I can offer is ... if you are going to continue exploring the CD community, your wife must be ALL IN. Meaning she must accept all of you for you. More importantly, you must be honest with her always. If your crossdressing involves any sexual desires or fantasies to be with men or other crossdressers, let her go now. That way you don't drag her further down this road and ultimately break her heart later. I'm not at all saying that is why you crossdress, but if it is you owe it to yourself and your wife to be honest so you can both move on.

That said, if you are 100% committed to her and have no desire to be with anyone else physically or emotionally, you need to shift things to the highest gear possible to show and let her know it. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Donna :hugs:, There is no right or wrong answers to your question women are from total accepting and total rejection.

Over our 55yrs. of marriage my:love:Wife has been off and on with my dressing,
for the last 10yrs. we have had a very workable DA/DT arrangement . >>>Orchid ..O:daydreaming:O..

[GretchenM]

Unfortunately, that is not predictable. But it is great that the two of you are in counseling - it is your best bet to achieving that acceptance by her or just reaching a point where you each have a comfortable understanding of each others needs and boundaries. Just don't hold your breath and keep working with the therapist's suggestions and encouragement.

[phili]

My view of this is that the things we seek look different when we get them, and they evolve from there. And, even more important, the things we seek are not always the things we seek- they just are the nearest equivalent that we can recognize as a desirable future state. Right now it seems you can see that the future is fuzzy- there is a CD community,and logically you want to be part of it. As others say here, the reality of being part of that community is going to be a sequence of individual experiences, guided by what limits you set.

In my experience, I went from 'the only thing I want is to be able to put on that amazing sexy underwear', and conflating it with sexual pleasure, through the thrill of it as a transgressive daring escape from masculinity, to it being so normal that I am often not sure what kind of underwear I have on unless I look, and when I do look, feeling that they are a wonderful costume, and part of a generally desirable feminine messaging, but with competing mundane concerns about durability in the laundry!

I have gone from being terrified that anyone would see me to spending hours in the company of friendly female women, sharing conversation and activities, and seeing myself through their eyes as another human wanting to enter the world of feminine memes. They are clearly knowing that soon enough I will understand, as they do, the pluses and minuses of women's wear and behavioral norms. "Notice- none of us are wearing dresses today! "

At home, on the other hand, my wife is desperately threatened by my crossdressing. But within me my self-described womanly identity is becoming more well rounded and natural, and not mediated any more by desperation for the symbolic clothing as an announcement. I am now for her more of a nice sensitive guy, as long as I am not wearing a dress, while within me I am feeling satisfyingly 'womanly' at last.

We are both correct- I can see that in my gender training that all sorts of emotional richness was locked away behind the gates that [in my view] privileged females to be soft and wonderful and wear dresses. So I simply wanted to join their team. But now, having done it, I am finding that, like females, if I am feeling certain about my femininity, I don't need a dress anymore. And I don't want to be condescended to as a know nothing cutie. Having crossed over, I am aware as they are on all sorts of levels that dresses and other feminine memes are part of a cultural and often limiting packaging applied to females. The mirror image of the limiting rules applied to males.

So there is a lot ahead of you, and it will unfold as you have new experiences. I had to wear dresses to get past the gates, and I am ok with discovering that being a woman is just as much a job as being a man. Try not to insist that clothes are the thing- since your wife understands very well that womanhood is not clothes.

[Micki_Finn]

Every woman is different, so not knowing your spouse, I’m afraid I can’t give you any definitive hope. We CAN tell you anecdotally from what we see on these forums, it does sometimes get better. It also sometimes stays the same or gets worse. Just keep plugging ahead, and hope for the best.

[Tracii G]

What exactly are the threats?
I think once you discuss her fears you can come to some arrangement.
If her fears only pertain to her and she has no fears for your well being then she only cares about how others see her and not you

[Confucius]

I believe your wife is trying to understand your needs, and be as tolerant as she can. She is probably afraid of where this all ends. She may be afraid of losing the man she married. She may be afraid that all this will get out of control. She may be afraid that she is just your second love. She may feel unloved. Where is her security???

I would advise you to take the initiative to show love and appreciation to her. Tell her that she is the most important thing in your life and her needs come before your crossdressing. Tell her that you respect her boundaries and will do your best to live within them. Let her determine what you can wear and when you can wear them. If you like to wear something that she finds disturbing, then don't wear that in her presence. Find out where her needs are and show her the security she needs.

I believe that you need to take small steps, and with couple's counseling I believe that your future will be much better.

[Beverley Sims]

I think it depends on how long you have been doing it.

NYC seems very diverse, maybe after a few months your wife's view will soften.