Wife doesn’t understand

[Lisa-blue]

Hi

My wife doesn’t understand me cross dressing and doesn’t allow it. What should I do?

[Macey]

Step one is underway, talk to us! I'm afraid I couldn't help much, my wife is understanding, but I can listen! What's the story?

By the way, if you haven't done so, the mods require you make an introduction post in the introduction section.

[Patience]

Hi, Lisa. Welcome.

I guess your immediate options are:

1) Stay married, never dress
2) Stay married, dress in hiding
3) Don't stay married.

There may be others. Which option you choose is up to you. No one can decide what you should personally do. It's your life (and your marriage), not ours. Good luck.

[Micki_Finn]

If only we could solve your problem in a forum thread. Lol. Welcome to the forums. About 60% of the space here is used in discussions of how to navigate relationships. The only simple answer is that there are no simple answers. I suggest you start by reading through the posts that are up already. If those don’t help, or you need something more specific to your situation, please feel free to fill us in on details and we’ll help as best we can. But basically, she’s going to either accept or she isn’t and there’s not a whole lot you can do to MAKE her accepting or understanding.

[Meghan4now]

Micki, as usual, is on the money. I think your question is very broad, and we really know nothing about you, you wife or your situation. Start of slow, with some specific and finite questions or issues that you are trying to work out. But remember this is a forum, not a counselor session. Not everyone will have a great suggestion for you.

But good luck and unravel your thread, if you will.

[Crissy 107]

Yes, we need more details before any of us can even attempt to give some advice.

[char GG]

Hi Lisa-blue.

Welcome to the forum.

There is a "sticky" at the top of this section called "Tips to an SO's acceptance". That post may be very helpful to you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Lisa,

Welcome. As others have said a bit of detail is required. So she knows but how? Did you tell her, were you discovered dressed, did she find your femme clothing or were you wearing hers? . When you say she doesn't allow it does that mean you don't or just dress when she's not there to see? Finally, how long have you been dressing? Context really helps

[Tracii G]

Welcome.
Micki is spot on.
First thing you need to understand is your wife doesn't have to understand/accept if she doesn't want to.
A marriage is a partnership its not all about you.
A bit more concise information would help us to understand more about your situation.
There is no right and wrong way to navigate crossdressing so no black and white answers for us to give you.

[Charona]

It isn't just wives who don't understand. I'd say anyone who isn't a crossdresser doesn't understand. For that matter, even some of us who do crossdress aren't completely sure why we feel compelled to do it.

[alwayshave]

Hi Lisa, Welcome to the forum. That is the $64,000 dollar question. I told my wife early on when we were dating so I had the answer before we moved in together. Once married, there seems to be a power switch in most western relationships. Most you can do is go to a therapist together and hope she comes around.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lisa :hugs:, Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home.

What ever your question, There is a 99.875% chance that one or more of us will have an answer for you

Some wives are 100% for CDing , some fall in the middle and some are 100% against CDing,

It sounds like you drew the Short Straw It is up to you to figure out your priorities. >Orchid ...:daydreaming:+..

[karynspanties]

You will never change her mind so you need to decide....can you live the rest of your life without dressing? My quess would be no. If you secretly dress, you WILL GET FOUND OUT. What will the outcome of that be? She married a man and now that she knows you wear womens clothes.......she will never look at you or think the same way about you again. Sexual activity may even start to be less......she will be thinking of you dressed as a woman and that will turn her off. Letting the cat out of the bag is a huge crap shoot. Sometimes poop comes back and hits you in the face. If she is dead set against you wearing any female attire....no amount of counseling is going to change her mind. I would think about an attorney and how things will get divided up.

[Maid_Marion]

The most realistic solution is to talk about it and hope she comes around to some sort of acceptance. Even in the best situations it is wise to proceed slowly to make sure you are both "on the same page." The usual disaster involves leaping ahead.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Hi

My wife doesn’t understand me cross dressing and doesn’t allow it.

Welcome to the forums!
Your wife would seem to be in good company, since there are many of us who don't understand our own needs to dress, or more.
We give many reasons for why it is comfortable, or pleasing, but few of us can explain why.


What should I do?

That depends on:
1 - how important is dressing to you?
2 - how important is your marriage?

You can not "make" her accept it or tolerate it. The two of you may be able to reach a compromise, but I would strongly suggest couples counseling.

[Mermaiden]

I crossdress, and like Charona said, I don’t know why I CD, and have given up trying to figure out why. I really just know how it makes me feel.The point being, it is reasonable for your wife to not understand why you crossdress.
The not allowing part of her raises the opportunity to ask her why she doesn’t allow it, and to ask if there are things you can do - maybe panties only?, CD when she’s not home?

[Jodie_Lynn]

[QUOTE] maybe panties only?, CD when she’s not home? [QUOTE]
This doesn't always work, or is a viable option for the spouse.

In my own case, even though I had purged everything, and did nothing related to crossdressing or dysphoria, my ex-wife couldn't deal with the issue that there was an elephant hiding in the closet.

[Majella St Gerard]

I don't even understand it.

[Beverley Sims]

There a lot of us that are in the same boat.

C'mon and welcome to our cruise ship. :-)

[Lisa-blue]

Hi all.
Thank you for your responses. I’ve been on and off Crossdressing for about 8 years. Recently I’ve spoke to my wife about just wearing lingerie under my normal clothes. The wife says she don’t like it and it’s not normal. So what to do ?

[Crissy 107]

Well first thing I would do is talk some more and just go for panties not even the pretty ones. Start slow for sure, I did and it worked.

[sometimes_miss]

Even if you can figure out why you want to crossdress, that still doesn't mean that she's going to accept it and like it. Crossdressing steps over the gender lines, and changes how your mate will see you; now, instead of a knight on a white horse, she may imagine you in a frilly dress. And that is a sexual turn off for nearly all women. Once the sexual desire is gone, so, too can the love. And once that is gone, she's going to want to replace it, and will seek out someone else instead of you. Then your marriage is done. This is, unfortunately, the path that many wind up on after coming out to our wives/SO's after the fact. FWIW, my ex admitted that had she known about my crossdressing before the marriage, she never would have married me. So it may not have mattered when your wife found out. The next step would be to find a marriage counselor who has dealt with crossdressers successfully before. Then convince your wife to go with you, even if you need to tell her that she's doing it to help you, not both of you; as she may believe that the therapist will be helping you to stop crossdressing. At least you'll get her to go, and then the therapist can take it from there, hopefully convincing her that crossdressing isn't the most awful thing in the world. Hey, it's not a perfect plan, but at least it's a way to get her to go. Maybe.

Good luck. You're going to need it. In the meantime, consider the worst possible outcomes, and plan for that. This may include: You're coming home to find the locks changed, and her having gotten a restraining order to keep you away from her and any children you have. Closing your bank accounts and emptying them, reporting your credit cards stolen, having your car repossessed, outing you to your friends, family, co-workers, if she has any photos of you dressed as a woman she could post them on the net, The potential problems are many. Be safe. Keep a little money hidden away somewhere other than your house in case of emergency. Ask around about a lawyer in your area that handles divorce cases.

Better to be prepared and not need it, than to not be prepared and wind up sleeping on a bench somewhere because every other option is gone.

[Tracii G]

You can't force her to accept it.
How would you feel if she wanted to wear nothing but guy clothes and cut her hair short.
Possibly wear a fake beard?
Think of it all thru her eyes for a change.
If she finds your crossdressing repulsive and not normal then you better get ready for a rough road.
Worst scenario would be like Sometime Miss alluded to.

[Becoming Brianna]

Sometimes Miss and Tracii have hit it right on the head. Hope for the best prepare for the worst and assess just how much of this exploration you really need. Be forewarned I am single and lost a relationship with a woman I was convinced I was going to marry because of my gender issues. The path and consequences can be rough and scary. Make sure you're prepared and ready.

[Shelly Preston]

You said your wife does not understand..

Is she willing to try and understand the need you have to crossdress.

You say she wont allow it, Has she given you a reason why there are a lot of variations in the crossdressing world.

If you find out her reasons there may be an option to arrange some free time when you can dress.

Best of luck.

[Bobbi46]

Lisa-Blue, you must tell us how you got into this pickle in the first place, did she see you wearing the full 9 yards? did she see you wearing panties whilst you were getting dressed or undressed? how did your wife discover your crossdressing, knowing these things we can begin to work out a possible way forward for you.
On the face of it Tracii G and Sometimes Miss have nailed the whole scenario but in any case from what I understand you have dug an almighty hole for yourself but as I say we do need to know more.

[Lisa-blue]

At one stage she let me where panties all the time but them said she didn’t like and told me to get rid of them which I did.
Since them have do it when she out as I now have a couple of pairs of panties in my draw.
She just says now she don’t like it and it not normal.
So at the moment thinking to stay dressing while she out.

[JenniferR771]

Good that you have joined; we can all help to one degree or another. No one knows why-- crossdressers just exist. Most are straight and married. Millions of us. Around 2.4 million posts here.
Try to get the wife to join the loved ones forum.

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?66-Loved-Ones

Lots of wives have accommodated themselves to the new relationship. Same man--different clothes. At least the discussions, ventings and a bit more understanding will help. Lots of women have been there and done that. Benefit from their experience. No need to re-invent the wheel.

Crossdressing is not really rare. There are more and more mentions of crossdressing in newspapers, TV, online and magazines these days. The general public is much more aware than just a few years ago. Rupaul's Drag Race for instance. Andre Previc. Rocky Horror.
Members here often go out in public with no problems.
Shopping in stores is relatively easy. The sales assistants are not surprised nor disapproving.

[Janie Jane]

At one stage she let me where panties all the time but them said she didn’t like and told me to get rid of them which I did.
Since them have do it when she out as I now have a couple of pairs of panties in my draw.
She just says now she don’t like it and it not normal.
So at the moment thinking to stay dressing while she out.

As a mediator I learned that you cannot get to a meaningful compromise if one side will not give something up, in this case her absolute rejection of your CD'g. From what I've read there seems to be no compromise on her part. You DO have to give some deep thought as to whether your perceptions of your wife's position is objective as possible. But in the end, no means no if she won't budge.

[Angie G]

We don't understand why we dress. Why should your wife. I say dress when you can where you can. good luck girl. :hugs:
Angie

[JaclynL61]

Lisa-Blue

Everyone is different, but your situation is somewhat similar to mine. My wife knows of my crossdressing and doesn't approve. Unless she needs to borrow something, then it's OK I guess. I pushed the envelope a bit, and she let her feelings be known. I normally only dress now when travelling or other rare opportunities. To me, with that unspoken arrangement, it's not something I'm going to end my marriage over. I guess my wife feels the same way.

You need to decide what you want and what you are willing to sacrifice to have it. The same is true of your wife. As many others have said, you can't force it on her and make her accept it. You also should not be dishonest with her. Many here, myself included, use the term don't ask / don't tell. Just don't flaunt your dressing in front of her. As Angie said, dress when and where you can if that is enough for you. All relationships require compromise on things other than just crossdressing.

Best of luck to you both. I hope it works out.

[Lisa-blue]

Hi all
Thank you for all of the advise. At the moment I am going keep dressing on own when the wife is out.
Thank you again

[Teresa]

Lisa,
I would start by asking do you understand your CDing , if you don't then try and think it through and possibly write it all down . How it started , how it's progressed and how you really feel about the future if your wife does come to accept it .

The problem at the moment is you are admitting you can't stop , so you're going behind her back , so there's going to come a time when she catches you out , then what ??

This is why I suggest you write it down at least you can start to explain to her in writing rather than being stuck for words and saying the wrong thing . The problem is you are going to live a suppressed life which won't get any better , I'm sure many here would desribe it as a gnawing inside , I just lived with a deep gut feeling . You may feel it's harmless crossdressing but it's not to your wife , you may not realise it now but the dysphoria does grow , the need gets stronger , I thought it was something I might grow out of and now I'm living full time .

If the door stays closed counselling may just open that for you , sadly in my case it didn't for me but our lives are all differnt I hope it goes much better for you .

Thr important point to remember is it doesn't go away , so don't go making promises you can't keep it will only make the situation worse .

I wish you all the best and hope it does work out for you .

[Lisa-blue]

Hi Teresa
Thank you for the advise. I might give that a go. But I don’t want to rock the boat to much in my relationship at the moment. As she is so definitely in saying no even to just lingerie.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Lisa;

Let us know a bit about your relationship, how you started and how your spouse found out. a bit of background on where you live how you get any support, have you been through counselling ? Without anything to base things on , any suggestions could be just fanning the flames, either yours, or your spouses.

[suzanne]

What do you mean "doesn't allow it"? Is she brandishing weapons at you? Is your relationship a marriage of equal partners or is it more like master/slave?

While it's supposed to be true that you each own a part of each other's lives, you are still the majority owner of your life, as she is of her life. She should be able to have input about how you run your life and you should respect her by considering it. But you still have the final say. She should not make commands or directives or ultimatums.

Just one CD's opinion. You are not doing anything wrong when you dress. But some people still think so and your wife has been listening to them. If she persists in "forbidding" you, that's a sign she doesn't respect you, and I call that a deal breaker. Get counselling fast before it's too late.

[Tracii G]

I have to say your wife from the way it is looking has no respect for you.
If everything is her way and she pretty much runs the show then there is a good chance if you dress and she finds out she is going to look elsewhere for a man.
Trust me I have been in two marriages like that and they both ended.
The reason mine had no respect for me was I would never tell her no and complied to her wishes just to not rock the boat.
She told me after our divorce if I had said no more often and acted like a real man she would have respected me.
She actually wanted me to stand up to her and say no.
Time to capitulate or stand up one or the other.
Wear panties if you want and walk on the wild side for a change and if she finds out say so what you wear them I'm all for equality so if you can wear them I can too.
She sure isn't going to tell her friends so I think you are safe there.

[sometimes_miss]

We don't understand why we dress.
Well, maybe you don't know why you do it, but I know why I do it.
It wasn't easy to figure out, either. It took decades for me, as I had virtually no help whatsoever from the professional mental health workers that were available to me. If you want to know what caused it in me, it's all laid out in several posts in the writers forum, the link is at the end of this post in my signature. It's about a ten minute read, over multiple posts there.

Today, with information more readily available, perhaps more could figure it out if they could get past that stigma attached to being a male who prefers to dress as a female.

Start with the first time that you remember wanting to wear female clothing instead of male clothing, wanting to be female, or feeling as if you were in the wrong body.

Then try to remember what was happening in your life in the immediate past before you felt that way. Even then, you may have to go back much further to find other things that influenced you to want to crossdress or emulate girls. Even now, even though I know that there's nothing inherently wrong with preferring to dress as a girl, there will always be just a little bit of psychological discomfort involved because I grew up believing that being girly in any way was such a terrible, shameful thing.

The big obstacle, is that boys are raised to believe that being feminine in any way is the worst thing that we can be. So a lot of us simply block out any thoughts or memories of it, because we feel it is absolutely unacceptable. Live like that for long enough, and it can become set into your personality, permanently. We see it over and over again, where a crossdresser feels the need to distance himself from the activity so very much, that he refers to himself when crossdressed in third person, as if it's an entire different human being because he cannot accept, or even tolerate, that those feminine feelings and desires are his own. Such is the effect that shame renders on us by our religions, cultural values, family and friend's opinions and attitudes. Until we can recognize whether those three things are affecting us, it can be extremely difficult to understand just what might be influencing our desire to cross the gender line, and how we will go about it.
This is probably the primary reason we see so much of the 'I was just born this way' responses; men are simply expected to force ourselves to never do anything that our society deems inappropriate and unacceptable to the rest of the world, and often, ourselves as well.

[Lisa-blue]

Hi Kelly

I live in the uk. Been dressing since a boy of and on. Start with borrowing my mums clothes while she was out.
The wife found out about year and bit ago when she let me wear her underwear in bedroom. After I brought my own but about 6 months ago she said she don’t like it any more and ask me to get rid of my women’s stuff which I did.
As for support I don’t have any as apart from my wife. No one else knows. This is the first time I’ve opened up on this site.

[Macey]

Lisa, it's very important to have an outlet of some sort. Glad you're here doing that.

I'm kind of in the mind with Tracii on this one, you love and support one another, always in each other's corner, accepting of who the other person truly is, this is a part of you. Part of the package. Locking it all away isn't fair to either of you and won't make it go away. My thought is how would it go if you told your wife what she can or cannot wear in her own home? I don't think it wouldn't be a good fit for me if either my wife or I were inclined to exhort that level of control over the other. Never the less, this is an uncomfortable thing for her, for the sake of her feelings you should be discrete.

I would likely pick my moment to gently talk to her about it, to say to her that this is a part of who I am, I need this outlet for whatever reason, and I'm going to have to keep doing this … but, for the sake of your feelings, which I care about very deeply, I will do my best never to intentionally do this in front of you. Or something along those lines.

[abbiedrake]

OK, so on the one hand I'm a little surprised at the negativity on display. On the other it's perfectly understandable.
You've given us so little to work with, Lisa. That means some may be jumping to conclusions in laying out the nuclear codes. We're not there yet, to my mind. But because we have no idea of the character of your marriage I can see why people here might say what they have. Are you and your wife typically open? Honest? Respectful?
If you are your wife don't have good lines of communication then you need professional help much sooner rather than at all later. It's a cliche that our American cousins might be quick to recommend 'therapy' but get over yourself. This is not a tiny issue. It could cost your marriage. That you're here agonising over it suggests your marriage means enough to you. Does it to your wife? The line I maintain is that the women in our lives have a right to do with this new info what they will. That includes divorce. Most women however will decide they have enough invested in the relationship to find a way forward.
This is where my own situation comes in. My wife was supportive until she realised it's not a phase. Then she came to understand she wasn't dealing with it. We talk. She has enough invested in our marriage to not want it to end. But she also has enough respect for me to not want to stand in the way of something I arguably NEED to do. She'd rather leave than dictate to me like that. For my part I've told her that a choice between Abbie and her is no choice. I'd stop dressing now if I felt that was reasonable. But reason's not playing in this game. Logically they're just clothes but we need to accept that these symbols of gender are so heavily codified that we're asking our women to make adjustments we ourselves have typically struggled with for decades.
The upshot is my wife and I have diametrically opposed nuclear options. My wife to end our marriage so I can be true to myself. Me to end my dressing for the sake of my marriage. (that's the glass half full way of saying it. I could equally have said: My wife to end our marriage because she doesn't want to deal with a husband in women's clothes. Me to forever attempt to box away a part of myself.) In both instances one or other of us martyrs ourself. At either extreme the casualty is the marriage. So, we talk.
My wife has now joined this site. I strongly suggest you encourage your own to do so. At the appropriate time that is. As my wife's understanding of this 'thing' grows then she'll be better equipped to negotiate with me the boundaries to my dressing that are necessarily going to have to put in place to protect my marriage.
If you and your wife do talk, can talk, you should talk. As best you yourself understand, you should lay it out to her. Oh, and any other skeletons in the closet? Get that $h!t sorted, NOW!
If your wife won't even entertain talk, if she is indeed ordering you to stop then you should probably be preparing for the worst anyway. Like Tracii, and others, I left my practice wife because of a fundamental lack of respect. There's no relationship where that's the balance of power. And trust me, it would end one way or another, whether over crossdressing or not, if she's THAT bad. But that's the negativity I talked about, the nuclear option. For now I'll trust it was a poor choice of words, rather than a bald truth.
The fact is your options are many. Some here live their lives without ever telling their wives. Some give up dressing and stick to it. Some find an arrangement that works for both (dressing away from home or in a different part of the house, or while wife isn't present). And some lucky ones have SOs who are fine, or even encouraging, about it.
Figure out for yourself why you dress (Teresa is spot on here), lay it out for your wife. WITHHOLD NOTHING. Also don't make promises you can't keep. Tell her you can try but be honest enough to say you can't with certainty rule out changes but that you'll talk if such becomes apparent.
Do try your best to understand her point of view.
I'd venture as far as to say that it's a truism that the urge will not go away but it can be modified. We can deal with boundaries to our dressing a hell of a lot easier than we can with quitting. I say this by way of consolation. Ways can be found. But it's all less damaging the more upfront you can be with your wife.
Compromise is your friend, capitulation not so much.
Good luck and if you want more specific advice do please give us a little more meat on the bones. You've come to the right community. There's no place you'll get better help.

[Lisa-blue]

Thank you again for the advice. I think I will try and have another conversation with the wife in few weeks again and suggest to start with just wearing lingerie all the time and go from there.
I don’t want to loose her that I’ll just take baby steps.

[Michelle]

Hi Lisa-Blue
Also new to the forum and hope I could perhaps just share a bit - it is different for all, as it depends on where each of you are in the marriage. Firstly - taking it slow is the key. The second very important key i found was to understand what she felt. As we have been together for so long (27years), she is more than just my partner, she is my friend (2 sides of the same coin) and the only one that knows all about me - good and not so good. It was my responsibility to understand her side. Here is what she explained:
1) She feels that i am trying to take her place - it is her place to be the girl in the marriage, the pretty one, the sexy one, the soft one, the one with all the cupboard space - i was invading, i was competing
2) She felt that i was cheating on her with my other self - like any woman she felt there was competition and i may love myself as a woman more than her
3) She was not sure if i am still the same guy she fell in love with (i never told her before we were married) - it confused her a bit
4) She was scared - her brother is guy and she did not want to loose me
This opened my eyes and my heart - i knew that not only will i take it slow, i also need to include her in my feelings (i was too afraid before to include her - basically my shame - and hiding actually fueled the points above).
This has been a 5year process for us - and some days it still gets to her. The best part is that it is working. There is a give and take - she gives me days to go and be Michelle. And she can cope with a gender neutral look - combination of male and female clothing.
I also kept it light - did not start off with the lingerie (kept it in the draw to be used now and then). I started with just the cotton panties. Over time we are now at a good mix.

We love each other - our relationship is valuable to us.
Suggestion - Talk to her about her - get to know what her fears are - and work from there.
With only love.

[Lisa-blue]

Thank you for your advice Michelle

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Does a wife truly ever understand?

[Crissy 107]

Michelle, Welcome to the site, that was a very good initial post. You explained all your points very well, take some time and do an introduction post to say hi to everyone. Once you get 10 posts the access here opens up. Nice to have you with us.

[Chloe_S]

sorry to hear about your issues. As much as we may want our marriages to be a top priority, the CD'ing seems to be a never ending, compulsion that we can't control. Some may call that an addiction. But the only way to deal with it is try and get your wife to let you do it in private and just be open with her that you do. Be her man when shes around you, but whoever you want to be when she's not.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Lisa;

I've been pondering this for awhile. It looks like your wife has tried to understand, and has been going back and forth on how she feels about it. This is normal. I would suggest that you invite her to this site. There is a Female at Birth section for GG wives. She can communicate with other spouse and gf's to get a non CD woman-to-woman perspective. It would give her an opportunity to ask questions that she might not want to talk to you about. Yeas there are risks, but I think both she and you would be treated fairly. is it something you would consider ?

[DanielleLee]

You can't force her to accept it.
How would you feel if she wanted to wear nothing but guy clothes and cut her hair short.
Possibly wear a fake beard?
Think of it all thru her eyes for a change.
If she finds your crossdressing repulsive and not normal then you better get ready for a rough road.
Worst scenario would be like Sometime Miss alluded to.

Wow... just wow. Look, you don't know Lisa's story... and neither do I. The context of your "for a change" or on one your earlier, previous posts: "that's not about you" is INCREDIBLY rude.

Lisa,

Unfortunately there are no easy answers. Counseling may help you both with the cross dressing, it may only help you.
The "allowance" of one spouse for the other to do something is absolutely childish. You're a grown ass person. You get to do what you want, provided it doesn't break the law.
Will there be consequences? Absolutely... but that's why there is compromise, as Marriage is a equal partnership.

If she doesn't like cross dressing, then she shouldn't do it, but she should give you space to do so.
Take into account her feelings about cross dressing, and don't do it in front of her or have things where she can see or find them. (Including under dressing)

[abbiedrake]

That seems incredibly reactionary, Danielle. Especially as your own contribution actually backs what Tracii says elsewhere in this thread. Including ironically the exact three words you say are INCREDIBLY rude but in a context exactly the same as your own post... To whit...


...
Wear panties if you want and walk on the wild side for a change and if she finds out say so what you wear them I'm all for equality so if you can wear them I can too...

OP's wife might leave, ie the consequences you mention, but how is Tracii so rude and you're not?!