Do I lose him?

[Lana Mae]

So, something I am having trouble with! I have been Harry for 68(Monday) years and Lana Mae for 3 years! Does 68 years of Harry have to go bye-bye if I become Lana Mae? I mean I don't hate the guy! I mean he has kept me alive for 68 years! I mean I think deep deep down I knew but it has been so repressed so long that now that I can be the girl, I am having trouble letting go of the guy! My counselor says why not merge the two! Well, I just don't know how that will work! I just had to let that out! Thanks for listening(reading)!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Macey]

I am reminded of a religious symposium I once attended. There was a priest, a minister, a rabbi, an imam, a buddist lama, and a hindu priest (sorry, I don't recall the correct term for that!)

One of the questions asked for all of them to answer in turn was "What is the role of women in instructing the young in the faith?" They had all given their various answers, but it was the Buddhist's answer that stuck with me (though I am not a buddhist). He said "You need both. Your child is like a beautiful bird. How can your beautiful bird fly if the right wing is stronger than the left wing?"

Harry can be with you. Harry WILL be with you because Harry IS you … every bit as much as Lana Mae. You may go the rest of your life expressing yourself outwardly to the world as Lana Mae exclusively, and be well satisfied, but Harry will always be with you. I think of all of the people that have meant something to me. The fools and the sages, the menfolk and the womenfolk, the experienced oldsters and the wonder-filled children. Of course they are with me. And at times I have been them, I am them. My male side, my female side, and all manner in between.

[Jeri Ann]

We are all different. About a year and a half ago I was in Phyllis Frye's office. We were looking at the pictures in her bookcase together. She pointed to one of a young man in a cadet uniform and said, "That's me when I was still trying to be a guy." Phyllis transitioned 42 years ago. Phyllis says, “I was so good at being a guy that I should have won an Oscar,” Personally I can identify with Phyllis' struggle/journey eventhough mine is still short. In my case I just reached the point where I could not pretend any longer.

I was glad when I could retire from acting and be myself. I am nothing like that guy I pretended to be. I felt like I was in a prison and pissed off about it too.

But that is just my story. Yours is different and you will figure it out. Just take it a day at a time. Do not let others influence you. There undoubtedly will be lots of advice from people who do not know you and even worse, anything about transitioning.

When you get to Houston in 26 days we will have some time to talk. You will meet people who have been there done that and some that are doing it now.

And, you will meet Phyllis Frye and have an opportunity to talk to her, maybe have lunch with her one day. Here is a good read from the N.Y. Times about Phyllis; https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/30/us/transgender-judge-phyllis-fryes-early-transformative-journey.html

BTW Lana Mae, Monday will be a busy day for me so just in case, Happy Birthday.

[Jodie_Lynn]

If you renovate, or redecorate your house, is it not still your house?

YOU are still you, with all the memories and experiences that have gone into making the current you.

Just because you are changing the drapes, and upgrading the plumbing, you are still the same person, just with a new outlook and appearance.

And in case I forget, Happy Birthday!

[Becoming Brianna]

I've wondered about this myself and I totally agree. Who you were is always a part of who you are trans or not. You don't need to lose him. You can be grateful for the protection and experiences he provided you while still being the person you know yourself to be and the one you need to be. Just like I didn't stop liking sports or rock music when I came out you can still be everything Harry was as Lana Mae if that's what you want and need to do. It's up to YOU but know that your past will always be with you and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

[Dorit]

Happy birthday Lana Mae! I too transitioned late in life. While I lived outwardly as a man for 70 years, I always felt that my inner person was female and actually related to people and life as a female all those years. You can imagine the social problems it caused. So for me I thankfully say goodbye to my outer "false" presentation and embrace my new freedom to outwardly express myself as the female I always was.

[pamela7]

you don't have to "do anything" to integrate, as you are already a whole human being. my own paradox is finding traditionally male-role things no longer irksome, but actually enjoyable and more effective as a female. So, there is nothing to lose but all the false-bad stuff of pretense! xxx

[Aunt Kelly]

No one can answer that for you, Lana Mae. I am happy to share my experience (so far), but I wouldn't dare suggest that I have the answers for you.

I hold onto my male persona only as long as necessary, for purely mercenary reasons. Without a few more years of a good income (which would be at risk if I transitioned now), my journey will be far more difficult, if not impossible. I am grateful that I am able to do that, though the struggle seems to get harder by the week.

Do I wish I could have realized who I am sooner? Sure, but then my journey would likely have been harder. I have seldom been one to look back with regret. Who I am today is as much a product of my mistakes as my wiser choices. Why would I give up all that hard won experience? I won't, of course. I will still be me, but the being will just be "right".

[Teresa]

Lana,
Being the same age , I feel the male side is too ingrained to totally disappear .

I have to agree with Jodie no matter how we look outwardly there are just too many memories , I have no regrets about them no matter how I choose to present now . I did my best as the husband , father , the people associated with those memories are still a part of my life , whether I'm Terry with a Y or an I !

Living alone we sometimes have to accept the male in us will have it's uses , I'm doing a home renovation at the moment , I'm glad I still have the knowledge and ability as I have to watch my budget , I can't pay out to have every job done .

[Lana Mae]

Macey: Harry is slowly fading into the background! He is still there when in "natural gender"-standing beside Lana Mae, but he is fading slowly!
Jeri Ann: Yes, I am and will take it mostly one day at a time! Thanks for the birthday wish!
Jodie Lynn: yes, changing the drapes(clothes) and the plumbing(sex organs) makes some difference but only superficial! The real changes are mental and emotional as I am slowly but surely finding out! Thanks for the birthday wish!
Brianna: Yes, the memories are deep and won't be forgotten!
Dorit: Thanks for the birthday wish! Apparently, I was very indoctrinated into the "male" thing! I am finding it so hard to let go! Many here KNEW they were girls rather than boys! I did not have the actual realization until I was 65! My case is different than most apparently and I am finding difficult at this particular time!
Pamela: I did not actually dislike my male self and activities! There is "junk" that I must get rid of and rise above but I am just finding it hard now!
Aunt Kelly: Yes, if I knew then what I know now!!!! Maybe I just "feel" too male at this point! If I could blot out some of the maleness then maybe it would be better! I do not know!
Teresa: Maybe so!
Thanks for your replies ladies! I will just do one day at a time and be me, I guess!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Peggie Lee]

Lana after reading your post I sat down to reflect on your question as I started my transition at 64 and now I just turned 70 this week, as to what I have lost or gained since then. I’ve always had a side of me that was kept hidden and used male props (cars, guns, airplanes motorcycles and sports) to cover it. What I’m getting around to is that Lana has been there all along as much as Harry. We are the sum of our life’s experiences you can’t lose your life as Harry, because it is part of what makes Lana Lana.

[mattea]

Happy Birthday Ms. Lana Mae! You are a wonderful soul and a good person, and the way I see it, is exactly as Peggie Lee see's it. Harry and Lana are the same person, they are differing expressions of the same wonderful soul. My take is that these two halves make a whole.

[Megan G]

While i can’t speak of what it’s like to transition later in life (your 20+ years older than me) what i will tell you is you don’t honestly know who Lana Mae is.... for the simple reason she does not exist yet and until you are out living your life 24/7/365 as her you will never truly know who she is... so worry less about losing “him” and concentrate more on finding “her”.

Prior to my transition and before i went full time i honestly thought i would be the same person after transition , i was only fixing a birth defect..... or so I thought... gawd was i wrong!

Over the years since i went full time i have learned so much about myself that there is nothing left of the old me...nothing! My hobbies changed, my interests changed, all my friends changed, my career changed.... And all of that is because I changed. I became real with myself and I grew into my true self. Everything i did before was part of a unhealthy coping mechanism.

I finally let go of that “person” who was holding the real me back and i knocked down all the walls i built... so my advice is stop worrying about stuff like that... it’s not worth the thought process or stress if transition to being a woman is in your cards.

[Pat]

At one point I tried to separate the old me and the new me and realized I couldn't. I've done things I'm proud of and I'm not giving those up. I will always be Dad to my kids. Even if they have to say, "My Dad and I talked about that and she said...." I did things to mask my true self and I'm not proud of those at all, so I leave those behind. In the end, I found that the parts of me that I'm proudest of are the parts that have been with me all along. I embrace those. The parts that I'm ashamed of are the parts where I was pretending to be male because even though I "passed" as male, I was doing it wrong. (I never was male to begin with.) I didn't understand males and I misunderstood that whole thing about expressing emotion, being spontaneous and so on that I just outright suppressed in myself because I was afraid it would "give me away."

All the good parts of Harry are still in there -- they never left and never will. You have history. Part of that history is that time when you thought you were a guy because people you loved and trusted told you that you were. And they weren't being mean, they were just ill-informed about what you really were. ;)

[Jeri Ann]

Living alone we sometimes have to accept the male in us will have it's uses , I'm doing a home renovation at the moment , I'm glad I still have the knowledge and ability as I have to watch my budget , I can't pay out to have every job done .

I live alone and do not have a male side or any use for one. I can still renovate and repair with the best of them. I also still have "knowledge and ability." Transition doesn't make one stupid and inept. In fact, living unashamedly as my authentic self has been empowering. I am completely at ease in home improvement stores and spend way too much time there. I get waited on quick too.

Speaking of having a male side or a male half may apply to some but it doesn't to everyone. I think that those who know me would agree that I do not have a male side.

But, if you do it is OK. I have friends who are NB and have found a sweet spot somewhere between a male I.D. and a female one. I also have a couple of friends who are gender fluid and move between the two as the mood strikes them, presenting male one day and female another.

Lana Mae will find her own way, with or without Harry.

[Becoming Brianna]

Thank you for saying this Jeri Ann. While I'm still not absolutely certain whether I fully identify as a woman or if I really do have two sides. I will sort that out when I meet with my therapist who I am calling tomorrow to set up the initial appointment. I too have felt the same empowerment now that I am earnestly exploring who I really am. I have found my strength, I have found my confidence, I have found my drive and ambition. What I am searching for and what I hope my therapist can help me find is my voice so that I can clearly and concisely articulate who I am and what I want and need out of life. So that I can separate what is true from all of the noise buzzing around in my head and in my life. Lana Mae, I hope (and believe that you are well on the path towards) finding that voice and I salute you and wish you only the best. Use it proudly and powerfully and never be ashamed of who you are or afraid to tell the world who you are. Your very humanity has earned you that right and dignity.

[OCCarly]

I like to think that Charles is happily retired, driving a hotted up Camaro along a beach somewhere in the back of my mind and ogling the pretty girls. He comes back occasionally to handle car and home repairs.

He is every bit as real and alive as the characters in my novels — after all he was a character I portrayed in real life for fifty years, from age five to age fifty three. But at the same time, he was never me. My father did everything he could to micromanage my life, and there were large parts of Charles that I defaulted into to try to avoid my father’s harassments.

Still and all, Charles turned out to be a good guy, and if he were a separate person I would give him a very long hug and a big kiss on the cheek for taking such good care of me.

[Jean 103]

Are you not the same person?

My best friend (GG) acts more like a guy than I do when I'm in guy mode. In fact most all of my friends are GGs, and most are what I would call strong women.

Just because you wear a dress doesn't mean you can't swing a hammer.

Be who you want to be.

My roommate thinks as she says,” she has the best of both worlds”. Because I am strong and can fix anything around the house and also help her pick out a bra.

embrace what makes you, well you.

Accept as life goes on your interests may change, just move on. When I was young I did a lot of fishing. A few years back I had a roommate that liked to fish and I revisited it. I can still do it, I just don’t like it anymore.

Still no matter what is on the outside I’m still the same on the inside, aren’t you?

[Lana Mae]

Peggie: I guess you are right!
Mattea: Thanks for the birthday wish! Yes, two parts of a whole!
Megan: I have already dumped much of what were Harry's activities! I am not sure how far forward I am going on this journey! I have a natural gender which is without the wig, forms/bra and make up! Note that I wear feminine earrings(currently hearts with rhinestones) and nail polish 24/7! I do not hide my slowly growing breasts! Lana Mae is 24/7/365! Harry just happens to be quietly standing beside her!
Pat: You sound like my therapist! This is what she said!
Jeri Ann: Thanks for that last statement!
Brianna: I do not feel shame toward being Lana Mae! Thank you for your kind words!
Carly: Exactly, I don't want to lose my protector and the person who laid my foundation in the world despite being in the ?wrong gender!
Jean: Thank you for those truths!
Thanks so much for your replies ladies!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Jeri Ann ,
I was waiting for that reply , I'm not saying TSs or indeed GGs are inept but I get comments from many women including my wife who find that now they are living without a male companion how much harder it is proving to either get someone to do the renovation /decorating jobs or find the ability to do it themselves . To many this is a fact of life it's what keeps many marriages together , they form a team each doing their share of what they are best at , my wife is so badly missing her companion now .

I'm enjoying putting my own home together as I personally want it to be , the problem is I'm getting a list of GGs wanting me to help them out !

The sweet spot for me is not on the male side , I wear an old wig , light makeup and women's work trousers , I admit at time it's not a pretty sight but it works for me .

[Lisalove1976]

Hey Lana Mae,
I hear you and have been experiencing the same issue do much so that I realize Lisa is the result of a lot of bad times in my life (regression, lying hiding ect...) my therapist actually told me during out session one day that she didn't know what to call me ... Lisa just didn't seem to fit the profile any longer so we came up with Andi... Andy being my real name it's easier for everybody to "remember" and I have asked my wife to be there and help develop Andi so that way she isn't just left out in the dark as she hase been for so many years.
All this to say Andi as a combination of the two of us... a better combination

hugs
Andi...

[Teresa]

Andi/Lisa,
Works just fine for me , I only need to change a Y for an I , most of my post now comes to me with that spelling .

[KimberlyJean]

I felt for years that there were three sides to me, I used to say work me, home me, and Kimberly. There is still the work persona that I use for certain things. I am an introvert and that part of me allows me to speak/yell/lead in front of people. It was about five years ago that I realized home me and Kimberly were really the same person. I don't try to force myself to do "girl" things I don't like (I still hate shopping) and as much as possible I dress female for boy activities I like (I have female motorcycle gear/work wear). So really if/when I socially transition I don't feel I would be losing anything I would just be presenting the way I want. When I wear men's clothes I always feel like when I was a little boy and my mom made me wear an ugly pair of brown corduroy pants, I didn't want to wear them so bad I almost cried. Its more of a feeling of dread nowadays but it is still there.

[docrobbysherry]

Lana Mae, I guess I can't help u. Because when I dress I prefer to wear masks. I wish I could tell u I feel more fem seeing what appears to be a young woman in my mirror thru my near sited eyes. But, I can't. I feel exactly the same only excited and mesmerized!:daydreaming:

So, u may ask, do I feel like a man or a woman? I lived 50 years as a man with no gender issues. Yet, I never thot of myself as a man, just as me!
Now, dressed as Sherry I don't feel like a woman either. Still just ME!:brolleyes:

I'm jealous of u and every other T who "feels like a woman"! Because I never will-------:straightface:

[DaisyLawrence]

...................I'm not saying TSs or indeed GGs are inept but I get comments from many women including my wife who find that now they are living without a male companion how much harder it is proving to either get someone to do the renovation /decorating jobs or find the ability to do it themselves .

Well except that actually that's exactly what you did just say. Still, not the first time and probably won't be the last.

[jentay1367]

Well except that actually that's exactly what you did just say. Still, not the first time and probably won't be the last.

There is so much ingrained misogyny in our own community that's not even recognized by the very people that actually perpetrate it. Freud would have a field day. It really does serve an old hard to shake trope about us and the irony is, it is instigated from within our own walls and serves to validate it amongst our detractors.

[Jeri Ann]

It has always seemed odd for misogyny to raise its ugly head among the ranks of the greater TG community. It seems to me that it comes mainly from the crossdresser portion of the community. Not that very many of that group are misogynist but it
has been obvious in my experience here. The irony is undeniable, that a misogynist would want to look like, and be percieved as, a member of the group that is the target of the misogyny.

I really can't even imagine that a TS, in the process of transitioning, could possibly have any measure of disdain for the gender they are transitioning to.
Somehow I do not think that Lana Mae is implying that she doesn't want to leave Harry behind because, as Lana Mae, she wouldn't be able to do anything.

[Sallee]

Lana How would a blind man see you. I suppose if he felt you he would say woman. If he smelled you probably woman too. I don't know how your voice is but if it is a little high pitched then he might still say woman. ONe thing they would say for sure is Human.
You are you Lana, Harry, human. I think your making to much of your outward appearance that is only the way the rest of humanity sees you.
How does your dog see you. does he care.
You are still you no matter what you are wearing. I can be any gender I want inside my mind whether I am wearing heels or oxfords.

[Eemz]

To give a TG perspective (me) fwiw... I think very similarly in that area...

I can't lose who I was, because I'm still that person. I'm not a man, but I never was. Even if it took me 50 years to figure that out and another few to do anything about it. I'm still me. I just understand better who that is now, and am able to be fully myself.

I do hear what you're saying though Lana Mae - it took me a while to figure that out and believe it, and I went through a phase of wondering if I'd have to give up doing "male" things that I actually liked. Which is nonsense of course. But we all have our own process and it has to run its course. You'll get there and talking helps :)

[Lana Mae]

Teresa: I am only going to say, a woman can do anything a man can do! Mechanic, computer tech, home renovations and decorating, machinist, plumber, etc!
Lisa: Yes, I had thought about changing Harry to Harri but...no! I will stick with Lana Mae!
Teresa/Terri: If that is what you prefer!
Kimberly: I have dropped many "guy things" like: hunting, fishing, cars, guns, and others! There is just no interest anymore! I am baking more and planning meals, grocery shopping, other household chores that the wife used to do! Harry did needlepoint, Lana Mae not so much!
Sherry: Not sure that I feel like a woman most of the time! I do feel feminine most of the time! There is a difference!
Daisy: No comment!
Jentay: No comment!
Jeri Ann: Yes, Lana Mae can do anything Harry can do! Lana Mae may even be able to do some things better than Harry! LOL
Sallee: Well said! When I am dressed my dog acts the same as when I am not wearing wig, forms/bra, and make up!
Eemz: Yes, each journey is different than the rest!

Let me say that: Harry is present regardless of how I look! I am slowly integrating Harry and Lana Mae! It is a process and at times very difficult! Right now I am TG/NB but this could change anytime! I think Lana Mae will come forward as Harry fades into the background I do not foresee losing Harry-his essence, spirit, gifts will always be present to help guide Lana Mae who after all is part of Harry! The two will become one, regardless of presentation!
I thank everyone for their feedback! I have considered what each has said and applied or rejected it as needed! Again, thanks! Love you gals!
Hugs Lana Mae

[DaisyLawrence]

There is so much ingrained misogyny in our own community that's not even recognized by the very people that actually perpetrate it. Freud would have a field day. It really does serve an old hard to shake trope about us and the irony is, it is instigated from within our own walls and serves to validate it amongst our detractors.

Exactly. And the really sad thing is that these dinosaurs that are determined to hang onto their father's male privilege afforded to them in a 1950's patriachal society have absolutely no idea that they behave this way regardless as to how often some members here point it out. This is why I rarely frequent these pages anymore, I have no desire to be associated with them.

https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/films-novel-book-read-reads-dinosaurs-rjo1370_low.jpg

[t-girlxsophie]

My wife,before she got too unwell was far more adept around the house,I've had to learn a few things but honestly if was left to me the place would fall apart.And honestly I would never have the gall to describe my wife,mother or any female as inept

Sophie

[Devi SM]

Lana Mae, I haven't read all the comments in your interesting post. For sure during the day I'll read them, unusually say that there's too much wisdom in this web, especially in this section.
Hou probably had read it before but for the sake of don't here I go:
I was born in Chile, I lived ed there 40 years, I used to speak their language, not just Spanish but Chilean pretty well, now after 20 years a lot of time I don't understand them, I live their food too, the geography, etc. I can't deny all of that ut at the same time and with more intensity I love this country, the states and I'm very passionate about it.
When I go there, I don't feel comfortable.
It's impossible to forget it. I can't help.myself that from time to time memories from there come but I'm in new country and I live this life.
I don't agree with those that say to live with both, I don't see how, of course we can't, from night to morning act and be like a woman but keep the man's image together with a woman's image is a weird thing, for me.
Even though I think that's the transition. My voice is changing, I'm letting Devi get the control of my life and no David, with the time I'll be a mixture of both but I hope to keep the less of him.

[Teresa]

Here we go again , I simply pass on genuine comments from GGs and end up being called ridiculous names , do I pass on the comments made here to the GGs who say they need someone to do jobs they admit they can''t do , their words not mine !!

Lana , I know full well many women are capable of the jobs you list along with many others but many are not , at the same time they can do jobs I'm not capable of , I'm not ashjamed to admit that . As I said it's what makes a good team in marriages !

[Kaitlyn Michele]

What’s important is how you feel about your own answer

I think the nature of the question is kind of existential and impossible to answer

I transitioned at 47. I’m 57 now. UGH

I thought everything would change.
It didn’t.

More and more it feels like nothing changed. Like it’s always been this way

I read thru all the posts. So many stories and experiences

One thing that stands out is that I don’t think there are “man” things and “woman” things.
There are no thoughts that are exclusive to men or women

Pamela above has a great point in that dropping the facade and giving up trying to fake your gender
Is to incredibly liberating.

It should feel natural.

So if you feel “him” in a moment. So what. It’s just you
It’s always and forever more. “Just you”.

[jentay1367]

As an aside I would like to say how much I appreciate the new moderation as I see it much more open and less heavy handed than it once was. That alone will allow the discourse in this section of the site to thrive and become more interesting. If I might suggest leaving threads open as well for others to discover and add to at a later date may also help in increasing discourse of a richer and more valuable nature. Obviously, ad hominem attacks and troll behavior needs to be throttled, but barring that, I have noticed a much better conversation occurring lately.Just a thanks and a suggestion to try and help improve the quality of information we share with one another.

[DMichele]

...and now back to the OP.


Lana,

I too was never much of a male all my life. Interestingly, my given first name is can be male or female - I have wondered if my parents knew something about my gender when they named me. Today as my authentic self I no longer worry about identifying as a male (or female) - I just go out into the world as I see fit for the occasion.

My life, whether I like it or not, is recorded in a book of memories which my children, family, friends and colleagues will recall. I can't remove the 'male' pages of the book, but the late-life chapters being written, from my perspective, will be my true identity - near-female.

So I have not had to deal with the issue, but I wish you the best in resolving Harry's future.

[Sarah Doepner]

Happy Birthday Lana, many more!

I've faced this question as well and try as I might, I can't find very many places in my life where I can parse out Dave from Sarah. In the last several weeks I've come out to my oldest friends and their response, so far, has been "so what?" My personality is only partially dependent on my gender, the rest of it comes from years and years and years of interactions with others, me exploring my interests, meeting obligations and letting it all blend in a stew. I'm the pretty much the same smart ass regardless of how I'm presenting.

That being said I may find if/when I end up living 24/7 that some things change. But things have changed so many times before, this is just a continuation of life as I know it. To use the home renovation analogy, the foundation is the same regardless, it's just I'm finding new ways to decorate old rooms and maybe I'll even find a couple rooms that have been ignored for Oh so long that will finally get the attention they deserve.

My name, Sarah, makes others much more comfortable when I wear dresses and makeup and don't hide my breast development. My preferred pronouns when I'm by myself are: I, Me, Mine. It's not Dave, Sarah, She, Him, His etc. I am still here, how others refer to me is their call, I just hope I learn to not let their mistakes become my discomfort or reality.