So incredibly lost

[Confusedandbetrayed]

Within the last 6 days, my husband - who I dated for a year and we just had our 2nd anniversary last month just told me he is a crossdresser. I am the most open minded person ever as I feel to each their own. However I never envisioned this even being a speck in my marriage. I love my husband more than anything. He says he does not want to go out of the house dressed but what he wants to wear at home just makes me sick in my stomach. I always imagined what he wants for himself would be what he would want to see me in. I feel far beyond betrayed but also understand how difficult talking about it must be. I have every emotion running through my body and have since he said something. Again I love him more than anything, I understand it is just clothes - I mean I hope that’s all for now- but I can’t help but have this nagging thought in my head that I don’t think I can live my life like this. I am the only person that knows and we have two kids.... what if they find out?! Then what do I as a mother do? I guess I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this but I’m hoping to get outlook and advice but please nothing rude! I am an extremely anxious person and can’t handle any more extremes in my life currently.

[Rachael Leigh]

Anyway you look at this is difficult for you and your confusion and pain is real.
The hard part is over though in that he told you and it now can be something you can talk about. Holding this in for him
has been tough I’m sure but you both need to talk about it, you should tell him your not comfortable with the things he
wants to wear. Don’t let it get you into an argument.
Yes this not going to be easy but go slow

[char GG]

Thank you for coming to this forum for information rather than just walking out of a marriage that you obviously were happy with prior to the big reveal.

It is very sad to me that you have been blind sided like this. Now it's up to your husband to come clean and honestly explain why he dresses (if he knows), why he kept it a secret, to what extent he wants to dress... and any questions you have about his cross dressing.

It doesn't occur to most wives that their husbands would have an interest in wearing women's clothes. Many women don't even realize that CDing is a real thing other than comedy or drag shows on television. It will a lot of patience and communication for you to understand what is going through his mind. Be open and honest about your feelings and fears. Expect answers.

After you have 10 posts in this forum, you can apply for membership in the FAB forum. The ladies there are very open and helpful.

Best wishes to you both.

[Angie G]

Glad you came here for some hopefully help. It's wire d in us dressers to do this and we can't really say why we have the need to do so. Talk it out with him maybe set some limits as to what Is acceptable and what is not. Lots of us have tried stopping but can't it never really goes away. Be patient with him. You love him more then anything try to work it out. :hugs:
Angie

[Crissy 107]

I am sure you are going to get many responses on this but I would say to keep the lines of communication open. Many/most of us here have been through this and it is never easy. Just remember he is the same guy you married but with a different twist. Think of what you want to ask him and continue to talk. I’m not giving him an excuse but he is a wreck also. Good luck and we are here to help.

[Stephanie Julianna]

You are going through all the emotions that my wife went through when I told her about my crossdressing. The difference here is that I told her well before we married. I knew she was the girl of my dreams but I wanted her to know before we married. I was 19 and she was 17 and I had been dressing since I was 7 years old. But in your husband's defence, most of us do think that somehow marriage will kill the desire to dress and than the urge eventually comes back stronger than ever. Many never tell their spouses and to me that can almost be thought of as cheating but with the girl within. My wife tried real hard in the beginning to be a part of my crossdressing but eventually when the kids came along she cooled to it. We agreed that I would have to dress on my own which I have done for the last 47 years. Somehow she saw past my dressing, and she knows that I can pass in public which, like you, makes her nervous. That being said, we have been married 48 years with 3 kids, and 7 grandchildren. All my kids, now 40, 43 and 47 years old, have known since their teens. My son, the oldest never brings it up and the girls just know and accept it as just the way I am wired. The fact that your husband told you tells me he is a good man an must love you very much. That's a good start to work together through this. I'm at a turning point in my life as well since I just retired last week after a career in nursing for the last 24 years. So it is in my nature to want to help you through this. You can PM me any time as well as your husband and I will be as up front and honest as I can be. There is an up side. He'd never ask you why you need another dress or pair of heels. He'd understand. I hope this is a start and helps in some way.

[Maria in heels]

Hi Confused! I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru turmoil because of what your husband told you. As Angie said, it seems that many of us are wired this way, and its something that we can't help once we started. My wife found out about Maria by accident, within the first year that we were married, and it went to a full DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) arrangement, and I was to keep everyone hidden and put away, and we were not going to discuss untying, other than "are you gay and like guys?". Please understand that only your husband can answer that question for you, and like Char said, he does know and its up to him to sit with you and try to explain what he thinks and feels. You are to be praised since you are trying to figure out what to do, and if it bothers you that much, please don't be afraid and tell him so. He of all people, should understand what you are going thru and how he needs to support you right now. BTW, after several years, my wife slowly started opening up to Maria, only in the house, and with the understanding that there is to be no wig or makeup. For me at least, its not about that .... its about the clothes and of course, the heels, which I enjoy and also purchase as a collection. Only with her backing and pushing, did I venture out, and I am eternally grateful for her because Maria gets to spread her wings and just experience a few hours out, once a moth, at a local Long island gathering that she found online for me..

Best of luck and thank you for coming and saying hi to us and sharing....


hugs,
Maria

[Tracii G]

Welcome Confused you made the right choice by coming here.
You do know he is still the same person right?
If you truly love him like you say you do then why does this news change how you feel about him?
Being a crossdresser isn't the end of the world so why are you freaking out over it?
Are you more worried about how people will see you if they find out?
Reverse the roles and imagine you wanted to wear mens clothes and wear a fake beard how would you deal with a husband that didn't understand or even try to understand ?
There is way more to this than you could ever imagine and you are just at the beginning so get ready for a learning curve.
Everything you think you know about crossdressing men will be dispelled trust me.

[Di]

Deep breath it seems overwhelming right now but trust me it will not be that way for ever.
Keep talking and both keep being open to each other.
I am glad he told you ......many are very afraid to and wife’s sometimes find out by accident and the betrayal is even worse.
He is the same person you love and trust me he loves you he prob was very worried about telling you.He prob hid this because many think it will go away , but it really is just part of him.
He really is the same person nothing has changed except you know his secret.
Like I said keep talking you can make this work between the two of you.
Hope you join us in Fab ....you can check out the requirements in the link in my signature.
Best Wishes

[Michellebej]

Lets start with the kids. They are way more resilient than you can imagine. Most couple just don't let do "it' when the kids are around. If there are always womens clothes in your room and closet, then that is what they will expect to see. Trust me most are not going to be going through your things checking on sizes! I have a daughter that knows and is totally accepting of it. I have a son who knows...and I did not until recently know that he knew. He just never thought that much of it. His wife and I got into a fight and she decided to get even by telling my kids. My two kids who lived out of state did not want to believe her and still don't. Trust me on this the children require love more than they care about what Dad is wearing....as long as you set bounderies. I have never dressed in front of any but my oldest child/daughter.

My ex-wife, had some initial issues and then came to accept it, and even to encourage it. We eventually divorced over mother in law issues. She is dealing with cancer now and we have had some long talks. She tells me that leaving me was the biggest mistake in her life. That she misses her "girlfriend" very much and that life with a "Manly man" ( her current husband) is boring and unfullfilling. I'm not saying that you will find yourself in this situation, just that things change. And people can find themselves years later with attitudes that they never thought possible.

Lastly, ask yourself why you feel betrayed. I'm sure you do, and only you can answer this for yourself. But is it because he hid something important from you before you were married? This is more common than you think. It is very rare for people to tell their significant other every. single. detail. of their life, before they take the next step. It is human nature. Very few people are open books.

If you do go to a therapist try to go to a one who is non sectarian. I know a lot of marriages ended because they chose their minister.

good luck and remember that this too will pass with the passage of time.

[sometimes_miss]

The most important thing to remember, is that he's the very same person that he's always been, and his love for you is the same as well. Only your perception of him, is what has changed.
No one chooses to become a crossdresser. For many of us, we go through a period in our lives where we were able to stop, and think that it was either a phase we were going through, or, that we have 'beaten' it and will feel no further desire to crossdress. Unfortunately, the desire seems to always come back, even stronger than before. Are we 'broken'? Well, no. But we're stuck with a desire to do something that most women can't accept.

Perhaps look into discussing this with a gender specializing therapist; it will be helpful to have a non critical objective viewpoint as you and your husband go through this together.

[Aunt Kelly]

"Confused" you certainly must be, and I get the sense of betrayal, but I'd suggest thinking about it a little bit differently. You husband has probably always been this way, so this coming to light now is not really a betrayal, but he has deceived you by hiding this from you. The hurt you're feeling now that the deception has come to light is legitimate and real. Nothing anyone here can say will change that.

The two of you can get past this, but you (both of you) will need to deal with the trust issue. Your husband must take ownership of the deception and the damage that has caused. You must understand that the desire to crossdress is a part of him, and that while he may be able to suppress it, that act of suppression often has undesirable long-term sequelae.

You've already been flooded with opinions and advice. The best of that advice is to seek counseling. Find someone you both can trust to help you develop a better understanding of this thing. It seems that you both love each other, and that's a great place to start the process of understanding. Go find that guide and get back to a happy life. It is possible.

[Lydianne]

Sometimes the knowledge about how a food is prepared can put you off, even if it tasted good beforehand. Hence "fair trade" and "sustainably grown".

- Lydianne.

[Rochal Tukque]

Dear Confused, I don’t think any of us are able to perfectly hide our femme side %100 percent from our partners. There are always little tall tail signs. So what made him special over other people you may have an interest in? Maybe your eye might have caught some of those little femme things that made the WHOLE package that special person in your life. Someone you desired to spend your life with. So what has really changed? He’s been dressing all along. All of that is what made up that person you love. Dressing is part of our being it’s not we are a separate person for it and it is intertwined in who we are. I think if you think on it for a while, you’ll find you saw some of those things that made up the one that caught your eye.

[docrobbysherry]

Confused: U have every rite to feel betrayed. He should have told u before!:thumbsdn:

However, there were reasons he didn't. Until u and we know what they were? I believe u should hold off coming to any conclusions! He may be as upset as u r!:doh:

[confused_cathreen]

Sometimes the knowledge about how a food is prepared can put you off, even if it tasted good beforehand. Hence "fair trade" and "sustainably grown".

- Lydianne.
Lydianne nailed it here on the "same person as before" argument.

Wow, I am having flashback here of myself a year ago. See the "confused" in my name? That was me as well.
I am going to go against the grain and say something different. You say you have two children and since you have been with your husband for three years, assuming they are toddlers at best. Some of the latest pregnancy hormones are still swimming around in you. Anxiety is definitely going to be heightened under those circumstances, so the most important thing at the moment is to concentrate on yourself and your children. Forget worrying about how he feels, if he is scared and you needing to say the right thing to reassure him and just worry about dealing with the here and now. Absolutely everything you are feeling is valid and a very appropriate reaction. It's not important where he wants to go with crossdressing. It's not important if he wants to go out of the house dressed or not. It's not important if he is more attracted to himself dressed than you (after pregnancy, no woman is as self-confident as she was before, it's a price I was happy to pay for the joy my child brought to my life). I don't care if this sounds selfish but for now, he doesn't matter. Concentrate on yourself and your feelings.


"Confused" you certainly must be, and I get the sense of betrayal, but I'd suggest thinking about it a little bit differently. You husband has probably always been this way, so this coming to light now is not really a betrayal, but he has deceived you by hiding this from you. The hurt you're feeling now that the deception has come to light is legitimate and real. Nothing anyone here can say will change that.

The two of you can get past this, but you (both of you) will need to deal with the trust issue. Your husband must take ownership of the deception and the damage that has caused. You must understand that the desire to crossdress is a part of him, and that while he may be able to suppress it, that act of suppression often has undesirable long-term sequelae.

You've already been flooded with opinions and advice. The best of that advice is to seek counseling. Find someone you both can trust to help you develop a better understanding of this thing. It seems that you both love each other, and that's a great place to start the process of understanding. Go find that guide and get back to a happy life. It is possible.
I totally agree with Aunt Kelly. This is the crux of the matter. Trust. And the fact that it will make you look at him under a different light. If he is still the same person, then are you questioning whether you actually ever knew him? Are you feeling like you've been duped? And have you started questioning his motives about marrying you so quickly and having two children with you in quick succession? If you find yourself asking yourself those questions, know that they are valid questions and very logical. Without trust, having any sort of open dialogue is impossible because anything he says, you will not believe. So you might find yourself stuck about finding the truth because you won't trust the one person who can provide the truth. Add to that, that many here haven't figured out the truth themselves until it was way too late within the relationship, and you got an issue that never stops giving. Crossdressing can be the dealbreaker character trait that many marriages have been sacrificed for because of it's unpredictable nature. And if security is paramount to you, your relationship might never feel secure enough again. Again, a very logical reaction.
So, where do you go from here? Well, that is different for many people. But taking into consideration your anxiousness, I again agree with Aunt Kelly. Therapy if accessible. It will take a tremendous amount of work to heal the rift. And that is not something that can be done without professional help, because neither of you will be able to see eachother's point of view clearly. I consider myself an open minded person as well, a great ally for the LGBT community. When this issue came knocking on my door, I was bewildered. Grown men needing to play dress-up and pretend they are women? Never heard of such a thing before, and I had heard a lot. Apologies to the community here but for someone with no gender conflict, it's impossible to comprehend. I knew trans MtF had those needs, as it was logical they would want to look like they felt inside, but just plain wearing the clothes? Makes zero logical sense. You might notice I use the word "logical" a lot, it's to underline that it's not only the emotional a female partner has to deal with; it's also the illogical nature of crossdressing.
Try to get yourself ten comments on this or other threads and apply for the Fab part of this forum. I have said it before, it saved my sanity when the next stage of my partner's revelation hit, the anger. That was the hardest and longest one I still occasionally feel. For now, take each day as it comes and try not to fuss over the future, if you can't make it through today, the future won't matter anyway. Remember you are not alone and you will have the support of this forum, females and males alike. My thoughts are with you, my dear.

[Patience]

C&B:

You can’t think we’re so terrible if you chose to vent your frustration here.

If you honestly give yourself a chance to understand us, I think you’ll find that we’re just like everybody else, except that we’re unique in this special way; just like others have different things that are special about them. Yes, there’s a social stigma to it, but so do many things. Crossdressers are not out to harm others and crossdressing is not illegal. We just want our place in the sun like everyone else.

But you’re missing the greatest silver lining of them all: we often read and hear stories of women in unhappy marriages because of physically and/or emotionally abusive husbands. What percentage of those were also crossdressers? Now, I’m not saying they don’t exist; but without being too smug about it, being a crossdresser requires a certain sensibility you wouldn’t find in your average abusive husband; in fact, this kind of sensibility would very much go against their grain, if you know what I mean.

There are stories on this forum about folks who come out to their wives after 10,20 or more years of marriage. I think it’s a good sign that your husband had enough faith in you and your marriage to come out to you after only two years. I don’t know your husband, but I’ll bet he’d have told you on day one if he weren’t afraid of how you might react. Withholding this information from you during this time wasn’t pleasant for him either, so even though it may not seem that way right now, you’re both better off, because now it’s out in the open, you can work through it together.

So welcome to the forum, such as it is. There’s a lot of good info. There’s also a lot of threads that are pointless and stupid. So it’s pretty much your average kind of forum. Good luck sifting through it.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi and welcome.

Your feelings are totally understandable. As you say things such as this just don't pop up in even someone's wildest dreams.

I feel it's worth reiterating that he remains the same person. This isn't a reflection of any shortcomings on your part. It was there in him from the start. Read here and you'll see that so many of us can trace our dressing back to pre teens. Keeping it hidden is a consequence of society's view the nature of a CD'er in much the same way Gay people were viewed only a matter of decades ago. Thankfully trans issues are now starting to gain the respect and tolerance now afforded to the wider LGBT community.

What I did find illuminating was your comment;

"*but what he wants to wear at home just makes me sick in my stomach. I always imagined what he wants for himself would be what he would want to see me in"

From this I'm assuming your SO's dressing is perhaps more towards the fetish fantasy side. More street walker than dog walker. I could see why something like that would place the seeds if doubt as to whether or not you are fulfilling his inner desires. I think it's safe to say that the two aren't linked. There are a few here who mix their dressing with what goes on in the bedroom. However I feel it's fair to say that they're not mutually inclusive. The two can easily be separated into two distinct parts.

Tell your SO about your dislike of what he wears and see if he can explain what draws him to it. If he dressed in something a little more conservative would you find that easier to come to terms with?

Now dialogue has started keep it going. Stay calm, don't panic, you can work this out.

[Andrea Renea]

This is tough when you first find out. Usually by accident. He did the right thing by telling you himself.

Sound like your marriage was good before you found out.

Work through this. Its not the end of the world.
Work together to set ground rules about his dressing.

I told my wife 18 years into our marriage. She was surprised. Her biggest concern was and is that someone we know will see me out in public.
For her she has a 2nd set of clothes to choose from.

Communication is the key to working through this.

I wish you both the best.

Andrea

[Diane Taylor]

When a wife finds out that her husband is a crossdresser it's just about always a shock to the system. You feel hurt and betrayed. Maybe you feel anger. Your first thoughts are about you and/or the kids and how bad you feel but remember that HE has had to go through life with a secret that he shouldn't have to keep hidden. You stated "What if the kids find out? WHEN they find out they too will be surprised but if they love their dad they will act no differently than if he WASN'T a crossdresser. What as a mother do you do? You teach them about the fact that some people are different than what society expects them to be. When you see your husband dressed at home it makes you sick to your stomach......over time the initial shock will wear off especially if you look past the clothing. I'm positive that eventually he'll want to go out in public so be prepared for that. You say that you love your husband more than anything so show that love by being supportive.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm curious about what popped into your head when you first found out. Everybody has some preconceived notion of what a crossdresser is. It's unlikely that whatever that image is for you is far from what your husband actually is. Still, that'll be hard to shake.

[Tracii G]

You claim to support LGBT people OK fine then but understand crossdressers may not be gay or transgender.
If he is dressing like a **** thats pretty common because thats the look he likes at this time he will grow out of that more than likely.
This sounds to me that you are of the"not in my backyard" crowd.Than meaning its OK for some but not MY husband.
Betrayed you say? That seems pretty harsh I'm sure there are things about you that you conveniently didn't tell him.
You seem pretty self centered in my opinion.

[GretchenM]

Welcome and I think you will find a great diversity of responses here, but everyone is trying to help. That is the wonderful thing about this place. Not only do you find pathways, many of which may be quite new for you, but through that exposure you will find the answers for you and your husband. The answers will likely be dynamic and will require some different kind of thinking, but the options are vast. That said, you will also find threads that are irrelevant and unhelpful. We are all different whether cisgender, transgender, crossdresser or anything else in this vast world of gender variance and the gender spectrum.

This is similar to what happened in 2012 between me and my wife of 44 years. It was a shock to both of us. I had to come out after 60 years of hiding, shame, secrecy, and sometimes deep, deep depression over my secret. My wife felt totally blindsided. Some couples reach a point where there is full acceptance and their lives change dramatically and happily. Most end up with establishing some kind of boundaries with a realization that this new element is not a disaster, but an expansion. The love often wins even though its nature changes a bit. For us, there are tight boundaries limiting for me, but I understand and accept it. On the other hand she doesn't mind if I include some very mild feminine attire. But that is us. It is not ideal for either of us, but then life is not an idealistic fantasy and things do change and sometimes the changes are huge. When I first came out we both went to separate therapists at the local gender identity center. That opened doors to communication and more acceptance; not complete, but more. It has worked and we just celebrated a happy 50th anniversary last month. It takes time. The love continued, but we were both totally perplexed by what to do. I went to group therapy; we both went to individual therapy. It was rough, but it worked as intended because we kept an open mind about the changes, both the negative and the positive changes.

This characteristic is a deep seated element of a CD/TG person and most of us have kept it deeply hidden all our lives. Why? Because of feelings of shame and all that grows out of that feeling. Our society teaches us that crossdressing is a terrible sin and when we engage in the behavior at some point there are feelings of shame for doing something very, very wrong. But we can't stop because it is a part of who we are as individuals. Society expects high consistency in gender behavior, but that is not the reality. Women can wear men's clothes and hardly bats and eye and they can do so because it is a bit of who they are. But men can't where women's clothes, even a few, without eventually being shamed or feeling ashamed. Society's expectations do not reflect the reality; they are idealistic.

Masculine male and feminine female are not nearly so cut and dried as we have been taught. Recently there is a vast amount of evidence that this behavior has a foundation in genetics and that is why we really can't completely quit. It is not a habit; it is inherent. Environment modifies that genetic pre-disposition, but like all pre-dispositions, once it is turned on there is no off switch. Modification? Yes. Elimination? Highly unlikely to impossible. It is like a right-handed person (a predisposition) suddenly becoming left handed. Doesn't happen. Your handedness is a predisposition when you are born; it becomes fixed as a result of grasping things as a baby and finding out one hand works a whole lot better than the other. The switch is flipped and that becomes your handedness before you are 6 months old. It is open ended when born because you might have a predisposition for right handedness but you have no right hand. You become left handed and the predisposition for right handedness is never turned on.

The key is communication pathways and finding compromises as needed as well as acceptance of the reality of each of your perspectives and that reality is in fact not an illusion or a fantasy. The realities are defining. But keep talking in little bits and pieces rather than swimming in a flood of revelations. Total honesty with each other is vital. Talk about facts, but, even more important talk about feelings - how this or that makes you feel irrespective of the facts. Then as you each begin to grasp each other's feelings you can begin to assemble a blend of feelings and facts to form solutions some of which may be one way or the other OR, more likely, compromises that are acceptable even though not ideal. If the love is sound then it is likely to be the winning card and will allow you two to find solutions. And don't be afraid to see a couples therapist that you both find acceptable. Not all therapists are a good match for a particular problem. Not the therapist's fault - it is just a fact that therapist and client personalities need to mesh and generate feelings of trust.

Spend time reading through some of the thousands of threads here. Many will generate no reaction or even negative reaction, but some will grab something in you that is very deep and makes perfect sense. Please don't rush the process of adapting - it takes time and can be very trying as well as exhausting. Through it all, if you keep the love for each other as the binding thread, you find solutions. As for the kids, don't make any changes in their knowledge until the two of you are on more solid ground. Kids are very accepting, but only if what they hear and see seems to be stable and not creating friction between the two of you.

[Paige Dehart]

Tracii, Give her a break she just found out! She at least is trying to find help and possibly understanding.

[ambigendrous]

Communication is key - if something he wears makes you uncomfortable, then let him know, but do it constructively! I wear nightgowns to bed most nights, and I had one that was mid-thigh length, white satin with a sequin-encrusted bodice. After I had worn it a few times my wife mentioned that she didn't like the way I looked in it - that she prefered the longer ones, and no sequins. So, off it went to Goodwill! If she had just said "Get rid of that one!" or something along those lines I would have been defiant, or upset, or some other emotion but by letting me know that other options were acceptable to her I was happy adjust.

If your husband is wearing things that make you uncomfortable then offer some alternatives. You sound like you could possibly accept dressing if he changed his style so help him find a style more acceptable to you. If you find that you just can't accept him dressed up then you might want to discuss giving him some alone time so he can dress up while you go out with friends or something...

[JamieG]

Welcome! I hope you can find some comfort and advice here. The first thing you need to know is that this doesn't have to ruin your marriage. It is still possible for the two of you to be happy together, but it might require some effort from both of you.

Like your husband, I came out to my wife in the first few years of our marriage. Like you, she was generally pro-LGBT but very confused and angry at first. She felt that I had concealed my crossdressing from her and not been open with her. However, like many of us, I honestly believed marriage would "make it go away." I was deeply ashamed of it; little boys learn very young that the worst thing you could be was a sissy. I had internalized a self-loathng. Of course, it didn't go away. It was gnawing at me, and I felt that the secret was poisoning our marriage. So I told my wife. Even though we had the perfect marriage up to that point, there was a real chance that revealing my secret was going to lead to divorce. We slept in different beds for two weeks! But slowly, my wife began to realize that I hadn't changed. She began to warm up to me, and eventually we decided to work through it. I agreed to get counseling; she agreed that it was okay for me to dress when she wasn't around and that I could attend a monthly transgender support group. At one point she asked to see me dressed, and the next Halloween we went to a party with me in drag. Since then, I usually keep it out of her sight, but I am open with her if she asks any questions. We've had ups and downs over the years, but over the course of the last 17 years I think crossdressing has become a non-issue in our marriage. We will sometimes joke about it (our marriage has always been filled with in-jokes), and honestly I feel we are closer than ever.

By the way, we have two kids (ages 10 and 13), and haven't told them about it. However, we have raised them to be open-minder and I've even taken them to a Pride festival. I hope that if we decide to tell, or they accidentally discover, it will be no big deal.

My recommendation is that you talk to your husband. Tell him you still love him, but that this is hard for you. I suspect he is hurting now too. Ask him to explain why he never told you before, and why he chose to tell you now. See if you can find a compromise. For many couples, a "don't ask, don't tell" policy works. That is, some general limits are placed, but then you don't really discuss or see it. Realize that it is okay if some days you hate it more than others. Don't bottle up what you are feeling, but at the same time try to avoid attacking him.

A word of warning, the number one cause of a breakup (assuming the wife isn't anti-LGBT) is when the CD goes to fast. Our wives are often the first person we have shared our secret with; we've bottled it up for a long time and we tend to explode like a heavily-shaken carbonated soda once the cap is taken off. Make sure he knows to rein it in. It is possible to find a happy-medium. I wish both of you luck in working through this!

Jamie

[ChubbyLeahCD]

As someone who is closeted to the wife here’s my take:
If he’s been doing this for a long time, or the whole time, he’s still the same person you’ve fallen in love with. He was just afraid of coming out to you, afraid to lose YOU. You haven’t failed as a woman, this is just who he is. It’s ok to have ground rules with him about it. I, for example, have no desire for my son to know I dress. I’d love to become my wife’s girl friend, someone she can talk about clothes, shoes, nails, etc.
I’m sorry this is hard but as someone that is terrified of coming out because of fear of losing everything, I can assure you this is just as hard on him as it is on you. Lean in on your love for each other.

[char GG]

As someone who is closeted to the wife here’s my take:
If he’s been doing this for a long time, or the whole time, he’s still the same person you’ve fallen in love with. He was just afraid of coming out to you, afraid to lose YOU. You haven’t failed as a woman, this is just who he is. It’s ok to have ground rules with him about it. I, for example, have no desire for my son to know I dress. I’d love to become my wife’s girl friend, someone she can talk about clothes, shoes, nails, etc.
I’m sorry this is hard but as someone that is terrified of coming out because of fear of losing everything, I can assure you this is just as hard on him as it is on you. Lean in on your love for each other.

I still don't want to become my husband's "girlfriend". I go out with him when he's dressed but he is still a guy in women's clothing. I also believe that it is a myth that women talk about "clothing, shoes & nails". I don't do that with my real girlfriends and my husband could care less about talking about what some on this forum consider "typical" girl talk. (Girls usually get over talking about that stuff in middle school, if they ever talked about it at all). You may find you talk about the same subjects that you always talk about with your husband.


From Jamie
A word of warning, the number one cause of a breakup (assuming the wife isn't anti-LGBT) is when the CD goes to fast. Our wives are often the first person we have shared our secret with; we've bottled it up for a long time and we tend to explode like a heavily-shaken carbonated soda once the cap is taken off. Make sure he knows to rein it in. It is possible to find a happy-medium. I wish both of you luck in working through this!
My husband started CDing out of the blue approximately six years ago. He did start slow because he was still working through this himself. The quote from Jamie is very true for CDers that have known all of their life and maybe feel that since you know, they may have free reign.

[Tracii G]

I agree char.
Many take it too far too fast and ruin their relationships.
Ground rules are very important for both and they need to be followed.

[Teresa]

Confused....,
The first thing to consider is your husband was more than likely born with this trait , we are all different so our needs are different . I appreciate you feel betrayed but please try and step back and consider what it's like for the average man to live with this need , it is a very confusing issue to come to terms with , why does a man want to dress in women's clothes ? I agree with others he will need to give you some answers but please try and be patient it takes some thinking through and he may need outside assistance to help him . You will live with so many fears but the problem is they are all assumptions , there's no quick solution but please also remember that the fact you know now hasn't changed who he is , I believe we make very good husbands and fathers if we are allowed to come tom terms with the need that drives us . He's not being selfish , he is being driven by a very powerful force , I'm not exagerating when I say that because I know how destructive the whole cycle can become if it's totally suppressed .

The children is a tricky one , I have the problem at the moment of most of the family knowing about me but they are trying to keep it away from my grandsons . I'm just biding my time with that issue as here in the UK it is happening more openly in schools so it's only a matter of time before they encounter the situation from other pupils or a member of staff .

It really isn't the end of the world , OK I separated after 44 years but my acceptance is going well , it can happen in time .

I assume you've come here to help yourself and your husband , that is wonderful because it's taking a positive step , as Char pointed out their are other sections you can join epecially the FAB and loved ones section . I hope you can hang in and eventually come to terms with it , it can be a problem if you make it one but you can find a solution if you keep positive .

[CynthiaD]

I agree with virtually everthing that’s been said here. Your feelings are valid and you need to work things through with your husband. You need, more than ever, to communicate. What you may not realize is that your husband is feeling much the same as you. Whether you accept this side of him or not, he needs your love and support more than he ever did. He needs YOU.

I can’t speak for everyone, but for the most part, crossdressers love and admire women. That especially includes you. Remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Right now you see mostly negatives arising from this, but there are positives as well. You say you need a new pair of shoes, even though you have a closet full of shoes? He’ll understand. You have a closet full of clothes but don’t have a thing to wear? He’ll understand. You ask “does this make me look fat?” He’ll know exactly what to say.

Remember, it really is just clothes. Cross dressing harms no one. This isn’t one of those things that will tear a marriage apart. (I’m thinking of things like addiction, abuse, and adultery.) You’re in turmoil now, but talk to him and you’ll work it out. If you’re worried about the kids, set some ground rules that you can both live with. Others have done the same. The same thing goes for your other concerns. Work it out together. Other have done the same. You may not believe it now, but you’ll both eventually get to the point where this isn’t any big deal. Also remember that he’s still a man. Your man. When you need your manly man around, let him know.

[Tracii G]

^^^^^^^^ Very wise words Cynthia

[Micki_Finn]

So I kinda just skimmed the responses, and there seems to be lots of the usual, “he’s still the same person” “you just need to understand him” “you have to work at it” etc etc. Personally, I think that the most important thing for you to know right now, is that there is NOTHING wrong with not being able to “deal” with it. It doesn’t make you a bad person or wife if you ultimately say “this isn’t for me”.

As for the kids, well this is a learning opportunity. I know, it’s not ideal that it has to be their dad, but they need to learn that Crossdressers, Trans folks, and drag queens are just normal people and should be treated just like any other.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Seconding what Micki Finn said!

The OP married a man, and she thought she knew him. For him to drop this bombshell on her, does NOT make her a bad person for being confused and unaccepting of the behavior.

It is the old 'Catch-22'... Tell her from the get go, and risk losing her. OR, conceal the issues, out of fear, and then be labeled deceitful and risk losing her anyway.

My ex-wife (of 29 years) recently told me straight out that if she had known, she never would have even dated me, much less married me. I can understand her feelings, but it still hurts.

So, for all of you who are saying that she needs to understand, you all need to understand HER feelings.

[Judy-Somthing]

A little over two years ago I told my wife after thirty years of marriage. She said she felt like she got hit by a bus.
I started at about 5 after my sister dressed me up.

My wife saw me dressed four times on Halloween.

I told my adult children last year and they said "So what".

I wish you the best.

If he's like most CDers the desire to dress is very strong, it doesn't make him a crazy person, it's just life!
I wish I could talk to my wife but she's to afraid.

[Tracii G]

I too think her feelings need to be in the equation as well as his and they need to have a deep discussion about it.
Don't bring the kids in to it just yet because they really don't need to know at this time

[ellbee]

Apologies to the community here but for someone with no gender conflict, it's impossible to comprehend. I knew trans MtF had those needs, as it was logical they would want to look like they felt inside, but just plain wearing the clothes? Makes zero logical sense. You might notice I use the word "logical" a lot, it's to underline that it's not only the emotional a female partner has to deal with; it's also the illogical nature of crossdressing.

What exactly is so "illogical" about wearing certain things? :eek:

Ask CD'ers -- *and* GG's -- why they might wear leggings, for example. Ummm, because they're comfy as all heck?? And they're extremely versatile, to boot? (Could wear 'em for 24 hours straight, doing everything you normally would... And they'd be perfectly acceptable & up to the task!)


And why should only GG's have a "lock" on certain articles of clothing? Isn't that considered, I dunno, a bit sexist, perhaps? :thinking:

If guys wanna wear something, then who cares! Now men don't have a right to be comfortable, to express themselves, to experience certain sensations?

How is wanting any/all of that, actually considered illogical?


You know, some people like to watch movies... Maybe because they're bored, or perhaps they want to "escape" from everyday life, or they want to be entertained.

And some people like to travel... Again, because they're bored. Or want to escape. Or to explore & experience new/different things.
Guess what? Some CD'ers may dress exactly for those same reasons! Shocking, I know. :brolleyes:


Again, I see absolutely nothing illogical about any of that.

And if someone actually does? Then watching movies & traveling have to be illogical, as well, simply put.

As well as a whole host of other activities. Sheesh, the definitive list of "illogical" things out there must number in the thousands, eh?



I also believe that it is a myth that women talk about "clothing, shoes & nails". I don't do that with my real girlfriends and my husband could care less about talking about what some on this forum consider "typical" girl talk. (Girls usually get over talking about that stuff in middle school, if they ever talked about it at all).

Oh, come on. Is this for real?


Maybe some here don't, and never have... Nor do/did the crowds *they* hang with.

But that is far from any sort of actual representative sample, I'm afraid to say.


Is that *all* they talk about? Of course not!

But to claim that no adult-GG's ever talk about certain things like you mentioned, is quite laughable. And quite untrue.

Should I provide countless examples of such? And I'm talking GG's in their 20's -- thru their 60's.

Heck, some of them even make a decent living by doing so. ;)


Just because someone & their friends might not do something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

Perhaps expanding one's universe may be in order? :strugglin



Anyway, sorry for the side-track. But just a couple things that I felt I had to speak up about.



As for the OP?

I'm sorry for your recent news. It could very well be the end of the world. Or not.


Not sure how to respond, except these words of yours stood out to me, anyway...

"I understand it is just clothes..."


Exactly. :wave:

[Maid_Marion]

I had a discussion with a Genetic Girl about how much fun clothes shopping is when you are small. I am petite XS so there are always cute things to buy. She was into vintage clothes at thrift stores.

[Tracii G]

I found her use of illogical a bit strange or even illogical if you will.
Her attitude towards this subject shows a strong level of sexism.IMO
Men can wear only this or women can only wear that and there will be no deviation because you and society says so? Sorry honey you don't make the rules.
She has no idea how deep this subject is and that its not all black and white but many shades.
Ellbee makes some great points.

[confused_cathreen]

Ellbee, you missed the point of my post entirely but somehow, it didn’t surprise me. The OP could have never imagined her husband would be into just wearing the female clothes for fun. And why should she? Movies and travelling? I bet you he didn’t mind sharing those pieces of little preferences before marriage. But somehow, the preference for female clothes was not an important thing to share? Reaaaallly now? And calling a female sexist for saying that it’s an illogical assumption to expect something like this from your seemingly vanilla partner? Pwlease! You brought this up in the Ask a GG thread and you got the same answer from all but your comprehension skills need some work. It is NOT that you want to do it. You can go out dressed as a flamingo if it rocks your boat. But at least you are open about it and if you find a female out there who gets excited by pink flamingos, then you know you are set for life! But no, sneak, hide, manipulate and deceive and then expect your behaviour to be considered logical. Yeah….no.
On the subject of comfort, leggings, sure. I see them every day at the gym, on females and males alike. Excellent, I don’t care. But from what I read for the majority of this crowd, this is not what rocks their boat. Because nothing screams comfort like bras, corsets and 6 inch heels. Again, yeah….no. All of the above? The majority of this community has no idea why they feel this need. Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical. As a female, the perpetuating fetishized image of females is tiresome, and inherently sexist. And on the subject of women talking about nail polish and purses? You are funny. Yeah….no. Passing comments,” I got a nice bag on sale the other day.” Really? How much? “It was £50 off, good deal.” Ah great. That’s what you get. This is what constitutes a conversation about bags to you? You must be part of a secret society of females who get together and discuss the latest catwalk fashion for days because in my circles, you are more likely to hear long diatribes about the mess that is Brexit than what the summer colours are going to be this year. Hold the invite for that society by the way, I will not partake.
Tracii, if I understood correctly, you were into just wearing female clothes once yourself but then you understood that you are transgendered? If you yourself don’t know what or who you are, how do you think others will know that? You heard this before, for straight non-conflicting gendered females, this is like saying you come from Mars and breathe through gills behind your ears. The OP married a full-on male for all intents and purposes, with no interest in sitting around the living room in a prom dress. She didn’t say that she thinks those who want to do that are strange or bad. And neither am I. But she never agreed to spending her life with one. She signed on the dotted line with the understanding of she’ll have a mate for life who has no such desires. Now, whether her husband likes it or not, it’s up to her to decide if a future with a prom dress wearing husband is what she wants. And she is absolutely within her rights to decide, you know what, I like my man in flannel pyjamas, as he has been portraying himself for three years. Like she would be well within her rights to reject anything outside her comfort zone, as her hubby misrepresented himself before marriage and for the first two years of it. Unfortunately though, I am afraid that with two young children, the choice is not so clear cut. And that is not only illogical, but immoral. Annoyingly, the OP mentioned from the start that she doesn’t want to hear unkind comments but you thought the you seem self centered is a valid comment and not just absolute vitriol. Yeah….no. Grats for sharing your undeniably logical view… /s

[Teresa]

Confused Cathleen,
You just describe the problem with a male partner revealing his crossdressing needs , they are phases most of us go through before we find oursleves . You are so right not many wives / partners want to have her man about the house in a prom dress , or 5" heels and all the rest . A good GG friend once suggested we revert to adolescent teenage girls when we fisrt come out , which I'm inclined to agree with . I may live alone after separating from my wife after 44 years of marrige through my TG issues but I don't sit around the house the way you describe , I have to run my home now and altough I dress full time I will wear what you or any other GG would wear to do my jobs and run my errands . The point I'm, making is finding a balance doesn't happen overnight and it can only happen if the wife or female partner allows it . As you know very fea of us are gay and only a small minority will transition .

Women can come to terms with it in fact some do enjoy it , we estimate about 25% of my social group members are accompanied by their wives/ partners .

The bottom line is give it time and be patient , OK introduce some ground rules but try not to suppress too much as it can be mentally destructive .

[Confucius]

I'm sorry to hear about how your husband's crossdressing is causing such problems. I know its hard to understand, and I understand you feel betrayed. However he is still the same person you married, and this is not something that will ruin your marriage.

From my understanding, you have needs, and he has needs, and there are some conflicts here that need to be resolved. This requires you keep the lines of communication open. In my case, it was a surprise for my wife too. I was determined to let her know that she came first in my life, and she was determined to be as understanding as possible. She set down some rules that let me know where her boundaries limits existed. I was to keep it private, not before the children, limited to the home, etc. I was limited to some sleep clothes for years. However, as the years passed she become more comfortable with it. She slowly realized that I was not going to turn into a female. I was not gay. I was not trying to impersonate a female. I was just dressing because it was comfortable and made me happy. Somehow my brain is hardwired to release dopamine and other feel good neurotransmitters whens I wear something feminine. She still doesn't allow me to wear a wig, make-up and some other things, because it goes beyond her tolerances.

Yes, sometimes I wish I could completely dress as a gorgeous woman, but I am satisfied with my limited crossdressing. I think you and your husband will find some sort of middle ground that allows both of your needs to be met.

[Susan Smith]

Really? Your husband confides something to you and you come to this forum to talk about you and your feelings. Have you considered the injustice? If you feel like wearing trousers and a shirt no one will look twice. If your husband feels like wearing a skirt, you worry what the kids will think. Then you imply that maybe it's about more than clothes. Get a grip. Some of us like clothes that society says are only for women. That doesn't make us weirdos and it shouldn't threaten your marriage. Sometimes, being 'anxious' is a choice. Relax a little. What your husband chooses to wear in the house is not a threat to you, it's just a way to express with someone he loves and trusts a part of him he prefers to keep from other people. Help him create a place where he can express this part of who he is.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm surprised at some of these responses.

To the OP... Realize that this hits home with most of us, and probably causes us to project a little, or a lot. Unless I missed it, you haven't replied to any of these posts. Don't let the negativity run you away. You'll find plenty of compassion on here. Ultimately, if we can be helpful to you, we're being helpful to your husband, too. This is a vastly complicated subject and necessitates boiling it down to the simplest terms for discussion on here, but you'll find that your husband is different from any of us. Give him that much. Don't judge him by what you read on here. Make up your own mind. Don't judge him by whatever was the first thing that popped into your head.

[ellbee]

Ellbee, you missed the point of my post entirely but somehow, it didn’t surprise me. The OP could have never imagined her husband would be into just wearing the female clothes for fun. And why should she? Movies and travelling? I bet you he didn’t mind sharing those pieces of little preferences before marriage. But somehow, the preference for female clothes was not an important thing to share? Reaaaallly now? And calling a female sexist for saying that it’s an illogical assumption to expect something like this from your seemingly vanilla partner? Pwlease! You brought this up in the Ask a GG thread and you got the same answer from all but your comprehension skills need some work. It is NOT that you want to do it. You can go out dressed as a flamingo if it rocks your boat. But at least you are open about it and if you find a female out there who gets excited by pink flamingos, then you know you are set for life! But no, sneak, hide, manipulate and deceive and then expect your behaviour to be considered logical. Yeah….no.
On the subject of comfort, leggings, sure. I see them every day at the gym, on females and males alike. Excellent, I don’t care. But from what I read for the majority of this crowd, this is not what rocks their boat. Because nothing screams comfort like bras, corsets and 6 inch heels. Again, yeah….no. All of the above? The majority of this community has no idea why they feel this need. Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical. As a female, the perpetuating fetishized image of females is tiresome, and inherently sexist. And on the subject of women talking about nail polish and purses? You are funny. Yeah….no. Passing comments,” I got a nice bag on sale the other day.” Really? How much? “It was £50 off, good deal.” Ah great. That’s what you get. This is what constitutes a conversation about bags to you? You must be part of a secret society of females who get together and discuss the latest catwalk fashion for days because in my circles, you are more likely to hear long diatribes about the mess that is Brexit than what the summer colours are going to be this year. Hold the invite for that society by the way, I will not partake.

OMG, wait a second... Someone's "seemingly vanilla" husband likes to, as you put it, have FUN?!? *gasp* Say it ain't so! :confused3:


Next thing they'll be saying is that they never expected their hubby to also like being comfortable, or temporarily escaping the everyday world, or needing to de-stress, or enjoying certain sensations, or exploring & experiencing new & different things!!

What an absolutely mad world we live in, indeed!


Oh, wait- I get it: He never told her! Sneak, lie, manipulate, deceive!!

Well, did she ever think to ask directly? Or even simply broach the subject in at least a general sense at *some* point along the way? :thinking:

One would think they would get to know their potential life-partner a bit better -- you know, before tying the knot. Perhaps they were too busy discussing such "important & personal-life-impacting" topics like Brexit? :strugglin


And before anyone thinks otherwise: No, I'm not "blaming" any wife -- you know, like some automatically place 100% of the blame on the guy. Aren't relationships supposed to be a 2-way street, focusing on communication? Or is that just some fluff that some like to preach but not actually practice? Because the evidence on that is becoming quite clear.


Anyway, it must be very tough for someone to live a life that's perfectly scripted ahead of time, and has absolutely no surprises (whether good, bad or interesting) for the rest of their natural time here on earth. How they manage that, is beyond me. Oh, that's right: Obviously they don't. Because life simply doesn't work that way, despite one's desires & protests.


And do you really want to go into specifics (which arguably may be hyperbole)? Okay, fine...

- A bra *can* be super comfy & supportive. For more than 12 hours? No, probably not, for most bras & people. But maybe it's simply a matter of finding the right one for you? Not for nothing, but there are plenty of valuable resources available online, such as forums, blogs & YouTube channels, that cater to everyday women & their clothing. Maybe you should look into it sometime? Or would doing so absolutely floor you, instead preferring to live life with blinders on?

- Have you ever worn a properly-fitting, decent-quality corset? Not for everyone, no, understood. But get this: Some people actually *like* wearing them! I know, what a shock, eh? It's an amazing sensation that rivals no other, really. If you've never tried one, then stop knocking it. And if you have? That still doesn't negate the fact that just because *you* don't personally like them, that there are plenty (men & women) who *do* enjoy wearing them, finding them surprisingly comfortable!

- 6-inch heels? Hmm, bit excessive, perhaps -- even for a place like this. Not sure how much I see of that here. Though, again: There are heel-enthusiasts (regardless of gender) all over the world! Comfortable for me? No, my feet are shot at this point. But why do you have such an issue with people liking them? Sexist & fetishist, you say? Fine: Woman-up & go take it up with all your fellow *GG's* who are "perpetuating this stereotype"... Because there are more than enough to keep you plenty busy. And good luck with that. :heehee: (No, on second thought, better not... Much easier to pick on some bumbling CD'ers, like shooting fish in a barrel, eh? Must be oh-so empowering.)


Finally...

Yes, CD'ing, at least on some levels, makes perfect logical sense. Above & beyond what's already been mentioned, is a little science thingy called "brain chemistry." And I'm sure those who aren't into fashion & beauty have had more than enough time to become quite an expert on it all, correct? Otherwise, they wouldn't be making such statements as we've seen here, (e.g., "Do you think anything that is deeply emotional, like the subject of crossdressing, is logical? Hence, illogical.")


Anyway, I'm glad that this is discussion has evolved into the way that it has -- all from a single, terse, thread-starting post. No doubt we've given the OP some things to think about. If anything, I'm sure we'd all agree that they certainly made that all-important positive first step. And for that, they must be applauded. :)

[Macey]

My wife came home one day with an incredibly short hair cut.
Did she look good? Yes!
Do I prefer longer hair? Yes!
Does she know I prefer longer hair? Yes!
Does she still look stunning? Yes!
Does she love her short hair cut? Yes!
Do I love her? Yes!
Is she the same person regardless of her hairstyle? Yes!
Do things change about her and about me over time? Yes!
Do I love her regardless of how she likes her hair? Yes!

Do I have any right to dictate to her how her hair should look? Heck no!
Did I marry my wonderful soul of a life partner based on her hair, her clothes, her expression? Heck no!
Do I agree with every choice she makes with her hair, presentation, expression? Heck no!
Did I marry a hairstyle? Heck no!

Do I love her as much today as the day we married? Heck no!

I love her more. I love her so much more.

She's gained weight, lost weight, changed her style, learned things, lost things, laughed, cried, shut down, opened up, and all spaces in between. And so have I. We're on a journey together. The whole thing. All of it. I wouldn't trade a second of the worst of it for anyone else's 'paradise'.

I would never tell her how to be 'her'. I only know I love her, I love me, we love each other, and are determined to share as much of all of this with each other as possible.

[Becoming Brianna]

Macey, That's beautiful! I wish more people thought that way. It's just so unfortunate that many including my ex don't. Of course gender identity and expression is quite a leap and far more fundamental than the changing of a hairstyle. I like to believe that I am more or less the same person I was before I came out but I know that I have changed in numerous important mostly positive ways. However the changes I am making are too fundamental for her and threatened her position security and comfort in her role in the relationship. She thought she was dating a man and in reality she wasn't. She is well within her rights to feel betrayed deceived lied to sad angry or any number of similar feelings. She was also within her rights to leave me if she so chose and felt the need to do so which she did. I have the right to pursue my happiness and an authentic life and to do what makes me me. I do not get to choose the consequences or ramifications of my actions. All the good things my journey is bringing me don't matter when it comes to her decision if I have crossed the line into deal breaker territory which I did. I can be sad I can miss her all I want but I can't be angry or resent her for being honest about what she wants in a relationship and what she needs in order to be happy.

[Lydianne]

I preface my thoughts by stating that I am not married; so that might disqualify me.

I shall add that I did not pursue family life because of my TG; so whether that is redeeming or more damning, I'll leave that decision up to the reader.


When I first became aware of my desire for feminine stuff, I tried to resist it --and there is a reason so many of us did. If feminine presentation in guys had been favourable in the society, I would have most likely embraced it free of guilt or shame. Unfortunately, it was not only unfavourable, but it was stigmatised as well; so a battle raged internally trying overcome it.


In resigning myself to defeat, I then began the journey towards self-acceptance; unaware at the time that it was *the* journey that we talk about on here so much. We know that this journey can take years, and mine did. But piecing everything together at the start: the social unfavourability of my desires, the religious stance about people like me, the portrayal in the media of people like me, the way my then friends talked about people like me, and my inability to overcome it, I knew I was dealing with a relationship-breaker.


Just generally in life, there are times when the magnitude of some things is so mission-critical that, at some point, you recognise an obligation to declare them yourself. The complement of that is that you would expect a decent person to declare pivotal information about themselves at the time when critical decisions are being made.


I was probably fortunate that I figured out before entering into family life that I couldn't beat my condition. However, for someone who is under the impression that they still have a shot at beating it when the opportunity of marriage comes along, I can imagine how that person might choose to hide it while they battle. And if asked outright, they would obviously deny it. And with the assumed standards of decency from the asking party, there would be no reason to doubt that ( because the partner would be hiding all signs of it ).


When the inevitable happens and one realises too late how deeply embedded it is ( or one gets caught ), then we get this thread, and all I can offer is sympathy and my best hopes that they can figure out a way forward for the family.

For those that are aware of the magnitude before marriage, I can't abide not having declared it by the time the decision is made.

- Lydianne.

[LucyDarlene20]

Talk. Read books on the subject. Talk. It was important to my fiancee (now wife) when I came out and then we moved in together. Yes, some of the books are crap or even fetish-oriented (you can figure them out after a few pages, but even those stories can become good jump-off points for discussions or snarkfests.

Be prepared for him to say, "I don't know why," or for him to be uncomfortable with the question and go silent. A lot of the time, we just don't know much beyond, "It's a part of me."

It won't be easy. It'll take patience. But hang in there.

[Tracii G]

Cathreen thank you for being so tolerant to a differing opinion I appreciate that.
I have been dealing with trans stuff for a long time and tack being gay on top of all the transgender issues.
I just give an opinion based upon what people post and I am not the only one that notice the same things I do so please piling on me really isn't fair.
Susan Smith's post#43 is right on point. It sounds like Miiss Thang in the OP is more worried about herself and how people will view her than her hubby.
Hubby likes to dress up OK so what? He isn't hurting anyone or doing something illegal.She just doesn't understand it and it sounds to me like (judging by her words) she isn't willing to even try to understand.
It seems she has lost respect for him because this is all his fault in her mind.

[MarinaTwelve200]

It simply boils down WHY he crossdresses------ Homosexuality. Bisexuality and Transsexualism could really play hell with a conventional marriage and family life. and crossdressing happens in each of those cases.--- CD is a SECONDARY condition held in common with a variety of psychological anomalies (Note, I did NOT say "Disorders" ;) ) But simply wanting to have fun and relax in an unconventional manner, or satisfy curiosity, should be entirely harmless even if involves crossdressing too. CDing itself may not be the problem at all, one has to look at THE UNDERLYING reason for CDing. This reason could be harmful to the relationship or just a "fun kink". CD is not a condition in it self and is not related to any sexuality identity issues---its just an activity shared by MANY many possible and different factors.

[MonctonGirl]

His desire to dress this way has little, or more likely NOTHING, to do with you.
A great idea might be to ask him (gently, inquisitively, sincerely - so as not to create conflict ) "Most crossdressers had the desire to wear women's clothing from a very early age ... when did it start for you?" And then LISTEN.
Another great idea ( to get you some true insight into the future ) is to ask: "Would you like to plan a short vacation to another city where nobody knows you and get one of those consultants who help men do a complete makeover with clothing, makeup and wigs that "pass" and accompany you in a public outing where you can feel safe?" And then LISTEN... and a day or so later, discuss some ground rules for his indulging at home.
Regarding your kids, unless you're in a very small town, they've been indoctrinated (brainwashed) by the school system and media to think this is not only "acceptable" behavior, but "desirable" behavior, so I wouldn't worry TOO much about that.
Stats show that MOST crossdressers are heterosexual ( interested in opposite sex ) and the fantasy for us has many motives.
Some just like the texture and feel of women's clothes. Others do it just to de-stress and not "be a man" and hold every emotion inside, so, perhaps it might open lines of communication about his life's worries which he deals with ... IF you are cool about it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Confused :hugs:, The main thing is keep the lines of communication open maybe like my:love:Wife Set workable boundaries

that you both can work with, A great marriage is based on Give & Take. >Orchid ..+:daydreaming:+..

[Confusedandbetrayed]

Thank you for your kind words. I am certainly not afraid of the negative comments, I scroll on by. I came here for advice understanding and encouragement. I understand he is the man I fell in love with and have accepted that. We had that very discussion this weekend and I realize that is probably part of what attracted me to him and I am ok with that. I’m not afraid or unaccepting of anything. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it and didn’t know where else to turn other then to him. But at times he shuts down on me and I feel like I’m back at square one.

- - - Updated - - -

[QUOTE=Jodie_Lynn;4368269]Seconding what Micki Finn said!
Thank you for understanding! I know he has feelings but I do too. I came here for help not to be put down. But I knew it would only be a matter of time before they showed up.

[Judy-Somthing]

I wish my wife could accept that I like to dress now and then but it gives her an uncomfortable feeling.
I told her two years ago and now I just hide it. I don't like to but when I try to tell her she gets very angry.
I'm trying to stop but after dressing for fifty years I doubt I can.

[Aunt Kelly]

...But at times he shuts down on me and I feel like I’m back at square one.


That's very, very common. He is ashamed, and feeling guilty for the pain this has caused you. The trick is to find a way to get him to open up and communicate. You know him better than anyone here, so I won't pretend to know how best to do that, but I do know that communication is the key to getting past this. Find a way to make him understand that you are interested in figuring out how the two of you can deal with this, together, because right now, in addition to the guilt, he's probably feeling beyond powerless.
And I am not ignoring the hurt you feel for having been deceived. That too is something is something that needs to be addressed. Rebuilding the trust that has been shattered will be essential to finding an effective way to deal with the gender issues.

Hugs,

Kelly

[ellbee]

Thank you for your kind words. I am certainly not afraid of the negative comments, I scroll on by. I came here for advice understanding and encouragement. I understand he is the man I fell in love with and have accepted that. We had that very discussion this weekend and I realize that is probably part of what attracted me to him and I am ok with that. I’m not afraid or unaccepting of anything. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it and didn’t know where else to turn other then to him. But at times he shuts down on me and I feel like I’m back at square one.

...

I came here for help not to be put down. But I knew it would only be a matter of time before they showed up.


Glad to read your follow-up post! :thumbsup:


And yes, I suppose some of us may jump the gun a bit, at times, perhaps even with some pre-judgements & negative comments, maybe based on some "triggering" words/phrases/thoughts/opinions. But understand that this forum has been around for a good while, with some long-time members still present & active. IOW, a lot has gone on, well before you registered/lurked. Sometimes things, whether specific or generally-speaking, inadvertently begin to "piggyback" on others' threads... But certainly not exclusive to this place, either. Welcome to the internet? :heehee:

Keep in mind, too, that due, in part, to the potentially sensitive nature of all this, that things can get a bit heated every now & then. Some GF's/wives may have a more difficult time than others... And not only do some CD'ers "get some crap" from (non-SO) others sometimes, in the offline world -- but we also have to deal with everything internally throughout our lives, on top of all this, as well.


And that leads to you saying that your husband sometimes "shuts down" on you. Understandable, for sure.

CD'ing *can* be a bit of a personal & solitary thing, for many. For years or even decades, they may keep this part of themselves hidden from others. There can be some fear & guilt & shame, and some non-acceptance, of one's self. But then to bring someone else into the fold -- perhaps the most important person in their life? A bit scary & unsettling, to say the least.

Try to give him some time -- and yourself some time, as well.



Anyway, I wanted to touch on this again, though this time with a bit more of what you originally wrote...

"I understand it is just clothes - I mean I hope that’s all for now..."


Oftentimes people see things in the media, for example, that may lead them to believe that 2 + 2 = 5 -- when in actuality, it's simply 4.

Oh, let's pick Caitlyn Jenner, why not. Quite visible, for sure.

So, a guy wants to dress like a woman sometimes (with clothing), maybe even temporarily look like a woman (with a wig, make-up, etc.). Okay, fine. Maybe a bit weird to some, but whatever. Though that does *not* necessarily mean this guy now wants to *transition* to a full-time woman! But sometimes, people may automatically assume "the worst" with all this -- because through no fault of their own, that's all they've really been exposed to with this stuff.

Of course, that's not to say that your husband definitely will not go this route someday. But odds are? He won't -- because he's not wired that way, like Caitlyn Jenner is. Again, odds are, your husband simply likes to sometimes wear stuff that's made for women... Whether it's for comfort, temporary escape, sexual release, whatever.


I know it may be a bit confusing & unsettling for you, but honestly? Try to view this as an interesting (and perhaps even fun?) learning & growing experience. You now get to explore another part of your significant other, that you weren't previously consciously aware of. Is that really such a bad thing? :strugglin


Anyway, I am curious, if you don't mind sharing...

As far as you know, *how* does your husband "do" CD'ing?

For example, does he simply wear some clothes sometimes? Such as? And are there other things like a wig & make-up? Have you seen his things yet? Is there, um, "self-pleasure" involved? Has he been doing this long? And how often?

I dunno, stuff like that. You mentioned that he only keeps it behind closed doors. But just trying to get a better sense of what's been going on. :)

[Jenny22]

Susan, your opening words were too harsh, me thinks. She's in turmoil right now and came to us for help. Let's help her, not shoot her down. "Get a grip" is inappropriate.

[Pumped]

Confused, When my wife found out about my desire to dress after 30 years of marriage, I though we were done. Your husband is hurting in many ways. He is probably ashamed of his desire to dress. He knows he has betrayed you and is afraid you will toss him out and anything more he says is just more fuel for the fire, so he shuts down. He is afraid to admit to anything more. It will take time. Let him know you are not going anywhere, but you do want this out in the open.

As for the children, perhaps Dad needs some time alone, locked in the bedroom once in a while, later on in the evening when the kids are asleep. I can understand no wanting for them to have to deal with it.

This is going to take some time, months or even years before you two are comfortable with "it"! Relax, tell him you love him, often. Treat him like you always have if not better. Keep the communication going, but don't try to force it. Let it come as natural and easy as it can. Let him know you want to talk, but no worries, you just want to talk. It will come easier with time.

My wife has taken a complete turn on my dressing. Very accepting but it has been 2-3 years. The other evening I was wearing black high heeled pumps, black stay up stockings and a pair of tiny black undies and she joked that if she was not so tired she would drag me into the bedroom.

[Jenny22]

Dear Confused. Hang in there, and keep an open mind. He may well NOT know why he has to CD. True! I've prayed to wake up as a girl since I was about 6 y/o but gave that up. This hope never went away. I did everything a boy would do to be 'manly'. When I got married and went into the military, I just knew this feeling would go away, and it did for a while, but it came back like gangbusters! I never told my wife. She discovered it, and it almost ruined our 40 year marriage (She was very Victorian), but we persisted, never talking about it. You and your husband must talk about it now that he's opened his heart to you.

While you've received a ton of good information and are ignoring the negatives, you need to get your 10 posts so you can PM advisors. I suggest you start with GretchenM. She's 'in the know' to the highest degree and can likely recommend a good gender variant therapist in your area.

My our sister force be with you. I wish you and your husband the best.