Why marriages fail. Was it REALLY your CDing!?

[docrobbysherry]

After reading thru all the vitriol, frustration, and anger in Confused's thread I found the need to say something!:straightface:

It is MY opinion no "good marriages" r ruined by a CDing partner, only "bad marriages".:sad:

A bad marriage being one that already has so many issues the CDing is simply the straw that broke the camels back. That was the case in MY marriage. My ex used it as an excuse. But, we split because she found a new partner!:thumbsdn:

Doubt my theory? Then, post your 2 cents and prove me wrong!:devil:

[Pumped]

I agree!

My wife had a very strong marriage before she found out. We had a rocky year or so in the transitional phase with her adjusting and trying to understand what was going on with me. I asked her once if she was considering getting a divorce and she looked at me in shock and wondered why I would think that! She told me we will work through it and it will be just fine in the end. Today she tells me how much she loves me, drab or dressed. It almost brings me to tears that she has become so excepting.

[docrobbysherry]

To mine, too, Pumped! So happy for u BOTH!:c9:

[Rachael Leigh]

I don’t think mine was about totally my CDing as she did allow for some of it but for her I crossed the line to many times
in going out in public, she was ok once in a while with me doing that but not as much as I was toward the end.
Of course I did also realize I was actually trans but yes we did have other issues and as she put it I can’t be married to
a women

[Crissy 107]

Doc, I agree with you, I don’t think if a marriage was strong that CD’ing alone would derail it. Most likely there are other issues involved possibly many other issues.

[suzanne]

I absolutely concur, Doc. CDing is only one of several issues when a marriage breaks down. But it may be the most convenient one to use and the most potent weapon to ruin your reputation and garner sympathy for her.

[Raychel]

I 100% agree.
My mariage failed to me wife of 23 years.
But we had many other issues. The CDing was not the true cause.
We fought for so many years. and as I got older and my life was
passing me by, I finally had enough.

Now trying to work thru the divorce issues, certainly is not making things easier.

[Michellebej]

I have to agree with most everyone.

I think that in some rare cases it is the cause of a divorce, where the marriage was strong to begin with. I've know a few cases where the wife had a momentary meltdown, and made a snap judgement; only to regret it later.

My ex-wife was still telling me her secrets 12 years into our marriage. She has been with her current hubby for 20 odd years and recently told me that he knows nothing about her. When asked why, she responded that he would leave her if he knew the true her...and that he was NOT like me, an understanding person.

[Aunt Kelly]

Marriages fail for lots of reasons. Where crossdressing is involved, it is almost always the discovery of the deception that is the insult that the relationship can not recover from. To be sure, there are spouses who who could, under no circumstances, remain in a relationship with a TG partner, but unless the urge was something that snuck up on him, after years of marriage (rare, but it happens) it's probably a marriage that was bad bet from the start. That sounds harsh, and it is, but it is a pattern we see here time and again.

[Kenita]

My first marriage did not fail because of CDing. It actually did not fail at all. It was a wonderful success. But ended after more than a quarter century. That said, CDing is far more accepted and embraced and supported and even encouraged in my current marriage. So much so that I appreciate my second wife and second marriage even more than I could have imagined.

[char GG]

During my time attending my husband's social group, I found that one of the reasons that some wives struggled with CDing is the "behavior" that is exhibited while CDing.

There was a couple that had lived together for three years and the GF was recently informed about the CDing. She was surprised but on board and accepting about the dressing. We attended a PRIDE party together where the CDer - in full view of the GF- started dirty dancing, grinding away on a man. The poor GF watched for a while then disappeared. I found her locked in the ladies restroom sobbing away. It took some convincing for her to come out. Her CDer boyfriend proceeded to tell her that he was "caught up in the moment". She later found out that the CDer really liked to be able to attract and be with men while dressed. The outcome: they broke up.

Another CDer did not want his accepting wife to go out with him because he liked to party all night with his CDer friends and then eat breakfast with them in the am. He would not go to weekend family functions with her because weekends were his party nights.

One other story about a CDer who only wanted to visit fetish establishments while dressed. The wife didn't want to participate so she was painted with the "non-accepting brush".

Of course, there were many happy outcomes. However, I have witnessed so many sad stories that involved behavior that just couldn't be ignored.

So, it's not always "about the clothes". Behaviors and attitudes matter. There were possibly other underlying problems in the marriages of these examples but sometimes there is just a breaking point.

[BTWimRobin]

My wife and I have been best friends since the day we met. We tell each other everything and don't try to hide anything. When I came out to her about my need to CD she said that she wants me to be happy and she will deal with it. We are only a couple of months into this journey and nothing has changed in our relationship.

If your marriage has a good, strong foundation to begin with, CDing will not ruin it. :2c:

[Mermaiden]

I read an interesting study awhile ago that the success of a marriage can be predicted by close observation of how a couple interact. It’s not their words but facial expressions that reveal their future. The worst thing to see are signs of disgust like lip curling (I don’t recall details, but I’m not far off). At one time I pranced around in frilly things and noticed my wife’s expressions as approaching disgust. I tamped down my crossdressing around her. Around her I wear clothes similar to her style. She knows I have pretty sleepwear and a long dress but doesn’t see me in them. She is cool with things and we love each other deeply, so there is room for missteps.
My sense is modifying my crossdressing in her presence helped avoid a marriage problem.

[BLUE ORCHID]

My Wonderful:love:Wife of 55yrs. Has always known about my CDing, Over the years he has been off and on with it

there have been many potholes along the way but were always quickly patched over and now we have a very workable


DA/DT, She knows that it is something that I have to do, She just don't want to have see me while I am dressed

but she knows all about everything she even pierced my ears for me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Orchid ..O:daydreaming:O..

[Macey]

Char GG, post #11.

Yes!

It reinforces the thread title. The marriage didn't fail because of the CDing, it failed because of unrealistic expectations of each other, odd control issues, unresolved issues, crappy behavior to one another, lack/loss of respect, and a myriad of other issues!

CDing, even if it is sometimes a catalyst, is never an excuse for crappy behavior or unresolved issues.

[NancySue]

It all depends. Marriages that occur with hidden agendas, in both cases, will probably not survive. Trust, truth and honesty are the most important parts of a relationship for both. I told my wife before we walked the aisle, thinking she’d bolt, but it was because of my honesty that she became involved and supportive. There were other “adjustments” that we worked through and compromised. I think someone else mentioned that when it’s discovered or comes out, it’s the final “straw that broke the camels back”, because the relationship was already in difficulty.

[Patricia_Campi]

Char GG touched a point, but a point that is not always related with CDing...

When you choose to marry, you need to have in mind that your life will change. You can not have beers with your friends like there is no tomorrow, you can not arrive home in the dawn and other bad behavior for a married guy. You have new responsibilities and you can not expect to live you marriage as you were single.

That said, sometimes I see people using their CDing as an excuse to do things like there is no other person on their lives, like they are single again with a new identity.

They may be putting on their CDing the reason for the bad marriage, but deep inside, it is not the real reason.

Kisses

Patricia

[Crissy 107]

Re Char GG post # 11, If someone wants to be an absolute narcissistic jerk and show behavior like she described the marriage or relationship will fail but IMO it would have anyway and no doubt about there being other issues involved.

[alwayshave]

I believe that most people attempt to hold on to a bad marriage because of the stigma of it failing. But when a women who is unhappy in her marriage then finds out the husband is a CDer, it gives her the opportunity to leave announcing it was his fault, diminishing her perceived stigma over the failure.

[Jodie_Lynn]

There are numerous reasons why a marriage fails.

In my case, a 29 year old marriage ended, and the reason given was crossdressing and transgender issues. Although, I have to stress that except for visiting sites like this, I did not dress or even own any female apparel for the last 5 years of the marriage, in order to keep the peace.

However, there were financial issues as well. Except for very brief temporary work, she hadn't been employed for over 6 years. After paying for various schooling that she desired, she had 2 degrees and spent her time looking for, and applying to, jobs that she felt were worthy of her. Her job became 'looking for a job', and refused to consider any employment she considered to be "beneath" her. While I worked a full time job 6 days a week, and part time work when I could get it.

Being exhausted and stressed out from trying to keep us afloat and bringing in the money to pay the bills left little time or energy on my part to get 'cuddly' with her, which she resented.

But, she found a way to satisfy her physical needs... with the neighbor.

The trans & CD stuff was just a convenient way to avoid accepting any responsibility for the failure of the marriage.

[Micki_Finn]

I would agree it’s rarely JUST about the man wearing women’s clothes, but I wouldn’t say that it only ends “bad” marriages. I’ve seen marriages TURN bad because of the dressing. In that regard, I think Char is right on the money.

[LilSissyStevie]

For some women, being married to a CDer is the very definition of a bad marriage. They're not wrong. It's just the way it is. I don't know why we have to be in denial about how devastating this "thing" is to some women. If it was known beforehand the marriage wouldn't have happened in the first place. Too bad. Live and learn.

[Gillian Gigs]

There are so many issues that can cause a break up of any marriage. I am prone to think that it takes several things to get to the point of pulling the plug on the marriage. What are each persons confidence issues? I can see if the wife has confidence problems, she will have difficulty dealing with her husband being more feminine/girly than her. Individual selfishness will make it difficult to accept who the other person is. Through the relationship how much character and friendship is developed between the individuals?

Any issues that were between my wife and my CD'ing centred around what she perceived to be strong feminine things like bras, and frilly clothes. She has since calmed down about it, but I did back off for awhile giving her time to adjust. If I am wearing a skirt and hosiery, she still sees me, regardless of the clothes.

What creates a strong marriage is communication, regarding the other persons feelings, and compromise. Marriage is not about me, her, but about us! If it is about us, then a marriage can weather a lot of storms.

[sometimes_miss]

It is MY opinion no "good marriages" r ruined by a CDing partner, only "bad marriages".
It really depends upon the people. For my ex, it was simply a deal breaker. From, 'He's not the man I married', to 'Had I known that he was like this before we got married, I never would have married him'. I was no longer the person she felt she could lean on whenever she needed to, no longer the person who would be a good example to children, and most of all, no longer someone she was sexually attracted to. Once the sexual desire is gone, the passion goes away, then the love, too, and a woman will want to replace that tremendous loss in her life: And it won't be with us; it will be with a different, masculine man. And once that happens, we're finished. It's over. Some women might continue a platonic relationship, but it will never be the same for her. For some women, who actually take their vows seriously, it can almost be like dying, the death of love and passion in her life, forever. So I know how hard that must be to deal with.

We don't get to choose what turns us on, or turns us off. Once the 'off' button is pressed, it can often be difficult or impossible to reverse that feeling.

[Rachel05]

You are right, my marriage didn't fail because my wife found out I was a cross dresser, it definitely did not help and that is a fact, she never accepted my need for female clothes and the reason I didn't ever tell her was that she had a some strange hatred of men who dress as women, she was very accepting of people in general but for some reason cross dressers were the lowest of the low

so my crossdressing wasn't the reason we finally called it a day but after she found out, it was very definitely an issue that we never got over and of course it wasn't a part of me that I could change, it wasn't a prt of me that I wanted to change

Would we have survived if i'd given up cross dressing, we will never know but I doubt it

[Tracii G]

Post #11 pretty much describes what I have seen in a few CDs I know.
That kind of behavior is not acceptable IMO.
Both mine failed because I was not assertive enough or manly enough and both found new partners.
CDing was not a factor for me and both Ex's know all about me now.

[docrobbysherry]

During my time attending my husband's social group, I found that one of the reasons that some wives struggled with CDing is the "behavior" that is exhibited while CDing.

There was a couple that had lived together for three years and the GF was recently informed about the CDing. She was surprised but on board and accepting about the dressing. We attended a PRIDE party together where the CDer - in full view of the GF- started dirty dancing, grinding away on a man. The poor GF watched for a while then disappeared. I found her locked in the ladies restroom sobbing away. It took some convincing for her to come out. Her CDer boyfriend proceeded to tell her that he was "caught up in the moment". She later found out that the CDer really liked to be able to attract and be with men while dressed. The outcome: they broke up.

Another CDer did not want his accepting wife to go out with him because he liked to party all night with his CDer friends and then eat breakfast with them in the am. He would not go to weekend family functions with her because weekends were his party nights.

One other story about a CDer who only wanted to visit fetish establishments while dressed. The wife didn't want to participate so she was painted with the "non-accepting brush".

Of course, there were many happy outcomes. However, I have witnessed so many sad stories that involved behavior that just couldn't be ignored.

So, it's not always "about the clothes". Behaviors and attitudes matter. There were possibly other underlying problems in the marriages of these examples but sometimes there is just a breaking point.

Thank u for proving my point, Char. By posting your experiences with husbands that acted rude, disgusting, and disrespectful to their mates. Problems that have little or nothing to do with how they were dressed. :Angry3:

Unless you're claiming fem clothes suddenly changed their natural behavior and character?:eek:

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Lexi; somtimes_miss, simply nailed the correct response. Everything stated in that succinct response is why crossdresser marriages fail...

[Stephanie47]

i have to agree with Char (#11). Those are examples of behavior, whether done by a cross dressing man or non cross dressing man, or in fact, a wife or girlfriend would turn off his or her partner.

Over the years I have read many posts which I consider "in your face" posts or "take it or leave it" posts. A man may have total disregard for the feelings of his wife. "Honey, I'm sorry but the weekends are always golfing weekends with the boys followed by some heavy drinking. You go see your family without me!"

Then there are those posts on this site of wives tearing the house apart looking for evidence of her husband's cross dressing. Heaven forbid if she finds a pair of white nylon panties squirreled away in his tool box in the garage.

My wife and I have always considered marriage as an on going work in progress with compromises on both parts. We also don't sweat the small stuff.

[Teresa]

Sherry,
I'm inclined to agree with you , many of our generation married young and often not always for the right reasons . In my case we both wanted to get away from a difficult domestic situation , did love come into it ? Looking back perhaps not enough ! I guess 44 years based on that history we did well but I can now see when I came out to my wife twenty years ago it was the straw that did break the camel's back . I'm sure like many you hang in there to see the kids through their education and we still had a business to run but I know it was the turning point for me with my TG issues .

Ironically we're both happier now , being married shouldn't be like you are shackled together but that's how it becomes and often the man makes most if not all the compromises hoping to keep a marriage intact . I may sound more cynical about it now but a good marriage is wonderful but a bad marrige is best ended so both parties are free to move on . Lets not forget being TG is not a crime given the right circumstances it is an enjoyable lifestyle .

[ellbee]

Wow!

I was about to reply to char's post, but decided to read the rest of the thread before doing so.

Guess it had an impact on more than just me? :heehee:


Here's my take on it...

Simply omit the CD'ing part!


- "We attended a party together where the [guy] - in full view of the GF - started dirty dancing, grinding away on a man. The poor GF watched for a while then disappeared. I found her locked in the ladies restroom sobbing away. It took some convincing for her to come out. Her boyfriend proceeded to tell her that he was "caught up in the moment". She later found out that [her BF] really liked to be able to attract and be with men..."


- "Another [guy] did not want his wife to go out with him because he liked to party all night with his friends and then eat breakfast with them in the am. He would not go to weekend family functions with her because weekends were his party nights."


- "One other story about a [guy] who only wanted to visit fetish establishments... The wife didn't want to participate so she was painted with the "non-accepting brush".


Does that kind of stuff happen with non-CD'ing guys? Absolutely.

Heck, even feel free to swap out the guy -- with a GG! Similar results, no doubt.


Lousy behavior is simply lousy behavior. CD'ing involved, or not.

Are the majority of CD'ers like that? I don't believe so. But this is the kind of stuff that paints us with a broad stroke, giving us -- and CD'ing -- a bad name.


And yeah, our personal *relationship* with CD'ing is vital. One could go down the list... For example, spending way too much money that they may not have, on CD'ing stuff... Or always being locked away in a room alone for hours & hours on end, spending way too much time & energy on CD'ing stuff, as other important things go left unchecked... Etc., etc.

But again: CD'ing is not necessarily the only potential "catalyst" for this! Swap it out for pretty much anything else, and it could still easily hold true.


I honestly hope it's really not about the clothes/presentation, per se. Though I suspect many (but not all!) GF's/wives still have at least a small issue with that, in & of itself.

Regardless, thank you for your excellent post, char! :thumbsup:

[Rhonda Jean]

Mine did. More specifically it was the extent of it. She knew before we were married. Over a long period of time I'd lost any sort of balance between male and female. By the time she left, there was not much male left. She thought I was gradually transitioning, and in a way I was. I was blind to it, in a way. I knew what I was doing, but I was blind to how far I'd gone and how it was affecting her/us. We're all prone to continuously pushing forward, and when you continually push forward for decades, as I did, there's just not much further to go. It was years after that I heard and understood a little of what was going on behind the scenes and some of the things that were being said about me, how she'd defended me and deflected things. I was given an inch (many inches) and I took a mile. She found a "real man" before she left me, but I believe she would not have done that if I'd managed to keep some semblance of "maleness" about me.

We had a great marriage, except for that. So, I'm the one. That's the reason my marriage failed. It was not entirely my fault. If we had communicated, we could have made corrections along the way that I think would have been workable for both of us. We didn't, and consequently things got entirely out of hand. I can see it now more clearly than I could when I was in the middle of it.

[docrobbysherry]

I was married, Rhonda Jean. Altho we had many differences, for years we never went to sleep before talking things out. No matter how long and difficult it was! The communication seemed to increase intimacy between us. Often ending in passionate sex. Eventually, the communication stopped. Then, so did the passion and sex.:sad:

In my opinion, if a couple doesn't or can't communicate? (Communication being a 2 way street.) They may have a dysfunctional marriage. So, maybe it wasn't all your fault? Our marriage therapist would agree!:straightface:

[fun4metoo2004]

I my case it had nothing to do with CD'ing. My wife was too busy having sex with everyone but me. Money issues she caused, and her doing Crystal Meth. What can I say.

[abbiedrake]

I got rid of my practice wife for reasons unrelated to CDing. Indeed it was another 20 years before that became a thing for me. However, I can say with some confidence that had I been a CD back then it would have just been another of the hundred and ninety reasons to dump that cow.
She stifled me in every other way, CDing would have been no different.
So yeah, Sherry... Bad marriage.
As for Wifeling well I'd rather lose Abbie than her. Now that's not to say it's anything remotely like 'yes dear. Whatever you say dear'. Lol She'd quickly disabuse anyone of the notion that I'm like that. But she simply means more to me that the CDing. Ideally I'd prefer for it to not come to that. And that's where the ongoing communication comes in...

[hosekid]

It goes both way though. How many guys married a woman that was super feminine all during the courtship, but when the marriage happened, the ladies started to "butch up" for lack of a better term. I know TONS of couples that the woman changes when the "I do's" are said. So how many marriages actually fail because the female started showing too many masculine traits? I see a lot of marriages end over a "dealbreaker" issue, whether it is CDing or certain outdoor activities, or "abuse". Then lo and behold the spouses get remarried to someone else and that marriage fails too. (and the second marriage wasnt affected by the "dealbreaker" behavior.) So I agree, I think 0% of good marriages fail because of crossdressing. Most of the ones that do fail because of CDing it isnt the CDing that is the real problem, but one partner has control issues.

[KayC]

My wife and I have been best friends since the day we met. We tell each other everything and don't try to hide anything. When I came out to her about my need to CD she said that she wants me to be happy and she will deal with it. We are only a couple of months into this journey and nothing has changed in our relationship.

If your marriage has a good, strong foundation to begin with, CDing will not ruin it. :2c:
Sounds like you are both secure in your marriage and yourselves. Insecurity can wreak havoc on a marriage no matter what the issue is.

[Ally 2112]

A lot of it was the cross dressing .There was also other things like well crossdressing and then there was lets compromise which meant yea um cannot do this .In the end it is what it is .Was i perfect no but i tried to make up for what i did she did not notice .12 yrs gone by