That lonely feeling...

[Dannie1]

This I hope will start an open discussion and I’m sure there have been many threads similar to it. But I’m curious how everyone handles the scenario I find myself feeling.

My wife is accepting and does her best to understand, however:

We have rules and I accept her feelings must be respected 100%

So,

I’m not allowed to cross dress around her or in the home. I only get to do it when I stay in hotels. This creates that lonely feeling. Like it’s hid away. At times, I desperately want to express my feminine side in a physical sense with dressing up but it can be weeks for that next opportunity.

When I do - it feels great in the moment... but the realisation is, it’s a lonely place and can get me down at times.

So my question to anyone and particularly anyone in a similar situation, how do you manage that lonely feeling?

[Patience]

Hi, Dannie.

Some folks here join support groups to meet like minded folks. If that’s not your thing, try attending pride events in nearby towns from time to time if you’d like to go out dressed.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Hi Dannie,

I 2nd the idea of a local support group. It can give you an opportunity to meet and socialize with like minded individuals. You won't even have to dress up to go if you don't want to or can't. I went to more meetings in drab male mode than I ever did dressed.

This would also give you another reason to go the hotel route to get ready OR the group may have a changing area where you could change on site.

Good Luck!

[Dannie1]

Thank you

That’s a rule too: not allowed to go out dressed.

I’ve started with joining this forum first for interaction with like minded. Social groups is a good idea, I’m just not in that sort of place where I’m likely to meet with others.

To paint more of a picture. I totally understand why I can’t do it at home. We have kids, it’s too risky plus it makes my wife uncomfortable. She did try a while back but it was awkward and she doesn’t want to see me like that.

- - - Updated - - -

That’s great you can go not dressed up. Even better there are ones that have on site changing areas.
What scares me is i am very much male when with male friends. I can’t imagine talking to someone while I or both individuals are cross dressed. Even if it does bring out more of my feminine characteristics which I bury most of the time.

[Micki_Finn]

You should know that you’re not alone. A lot of girls go through this. Unfortunately for you, the spouses’ rules have pretty much cut you off from the possibility of social interaction, the desire for which seems a natural part of the CD progression. I would encourage you to talk to the wife and find out they WHY behind her rules. Why doesn’t she want you to go out dressed? Is she afraid someone will recognize you? Then maybe you could go to another town or city to dress. Is she being overly protective because she’s afraid you’ll be mocked or made fun of? Then perhaps a makeup class to improve your presentation so you blend in better? Is she afraid for your safety? Maybe let her know about local safe spaces like gay clubs or LGBTQ centers where you could hang out.

[Jean. Ann]

Some places it is nearly Imposible to form a support group
Or even find friends with similar interests
I tryed for ages to get a group started in tBhe Wichita Falls /
Amarillo area , no luck
So what is one to do

JAS

[Micki_Finn]

I can’t imagine talking to someone while I or both individuals are cross dressed. Even if it does bring out more of my feminine characteristics which I bury most of the time.

I was a little thrown by this. So are you saying that you’d like to meet other men who crossdressers but don’t actually want to be dressed when that happens? If you’re not comfortable enough to be around people while dressed, I’m not sure how you’re going to reconcile the lonely feelings when you do.

[Dannie1]

I’d like to. It’s just I never have. Wife is the only one seen me dressed. More to do with confidence and the unknown.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Just my opinion, take it for what its worth, but if you are dressing when out of town, what is stopping your from exploring?
Even if it's only a drive around the block, you would be out in the world, and that's a start.

We fear the unknown, so going out for the first time can be a nerve wracking experience, but trust me that the pitchfork & torch wielding angry villagers only exist in your mind

[Jean 103]

You are pretty much boxed in.

I think a support group and not a social group would be better for you.

You don't need to be dressed and you can work on you.

I am part of one that meets once a week at a LGBT center. So it is privet.

[Majella St Gerard]

She doesn't seem to be very accepting and understanding to me. Good luck with that.
I do not have any advice, I live alone and have no lord and master.

[CarlaWestin]

Just my opinion, take it for what its worth, but if you are dressing when out of town, what is stopping your from exploring?
Even if it's only a drive around the block, you would be out in the world, and that's a start.

We fear the unknown, so going out for the first time can be a nerve wracking experience, but trust me that the pitchfork & torch wielding angry villagers only exist in your mind

This is just so exactly true. Of all the times I've ventured out in the wild, I've never had an adverse encounter. People are just absorbed in their own agenda and generally don't notice. I even invite a little close scrutiny just to see if anyone notices.
People are generally docile and friendly. I've had some very pleasurable conversations while out as Carla. Granted, it's always with women and in generic settings but part of the experience is to pick the proper venue. Just go out and have fun with it. And don't dwell on the fact that the experience is unique to you and non inclusive of your spouse. We are allowed to be individuals in this life.

[Stephanie47]

Your plight is mirrored by the vast majority of men who enjoy/need to wear women's clothing. I've been married almost fifty years. My wife has never seen me attired as a woman. When we were newly married we did incorporate lingerie for me into bedroom play. When our first child came along there was a decrease in wearing lingerie. Then when my interests advanced and we BOTH realized there was more to my desires than she could handle or we could explain/understand. Since the early 1980's it has been a deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." The times I was able to dress was briefly Sunday mornings when she took the kids to church/Sunday school. I had maybe up to three hours of fem time. I was fortunate for awhile to travel for my job. There were time when I was away for five days. I always have to chuckle a little when I see pictures posted for cross dressers in hotel rooms; the worn carpet, the air conditioner by the window, the security locks and exit plan on the interior side of the door. That was the extend of my extended time to be en femme. My wife did tell me it was alright with her if I went to a support group. I looked. Nothing was around in the 1980's. Now there is possibly a group in my area, but, it is geared to the very young crowd. It's more of a drop in store front for young people and not limited to cross dressing men. Having completed my seventh decade on the planet I doubt I would fit in. En drab it is hard enough to fit in with young people anyway unless they are family.

I'm sure your wife, like mine, is terrified of people finding out you're a cross dresser. Would her social life fall apart? Would she be shunned at church..or worse kicked out? Lose her job or chances for advancement? Our secret becomes a shared secret. My wife, like many women, felt isolated. She had nobody to confide with her feelings and concerns.

I would recommend you scope our the area and see if there is a support group. If there is, then open a discussion with your wife. There is always a risk you will be discovered. What happens if you were to drop dead in a hotel room? Isn't it better to drop dead at home so she can cut the clothes off your dead body before the coroner shows up at the front door?

I can understand a wife's desire not to see her husband all dolled up and emulating a woman. It's not the person she married. My wife retired this past week. When she was working I had full days to be en femme. I did not feel lonely although I was alone. I had plenty of domestic chores to do around the house. I was not twirling in front of a mirror. I was cooking and baking. I was changing bed linens. Doing the laundry and ironing. It was still a life of isolation but I was not lonely. Perhaps your wife can take the kids to grandma's house or on an outing for the day and call before she comes home. Just promise not to drop dead while she is gone. There is always a risk.

[Dannie1]

Interesting read. Thank you for that.

[Tracii G]

Seems to me your wife does not respect you and doesn't care about your needs.
Shipping you from your home you pay for and legally own to some motel room somewhere.
I would feel so awful if a partner treated me that way.

[Dannie1]

It’s an interesting point. But of course there are layers to it. Compromise to save my marriage being the main one. I love her truly. It was necessary to keep things going. She is well aware it has left me feeling alone in this instance. There has been no answer to the issue I’m facing. I’m not sure it will ever change. Should I be grateful she at least still wants to be with me and that I CAN dress up still? I know a lot of men do not have this and have less opportunity or even face divorces over it.

[Rachelakld]

I'm allowed to dress at home in front of wife and kids.
I also have to accept wife's feelings, but if I had to respect them 100%, I would insist on the same 100% respect back.
In fact that's why wife helps me dress and assist if required, to leave the house and return by making sure other "friends" aren't within sight.

Wife has also encouraged hotel away, but as you say it's lonely and expensive, so I use Airbnb, meet some cool people.
Last year I stayed with an elderly couple, had meals with them, helped around the house, went shopping for decorations with the wife (husband wasn't interested in girl shopping) and they took me out for breakfast on my last day.

[Sometimes Steffi]

First, let's be honest; your wife doesn't accept, she tolerates. Maybe that might put it in a different perspective for you.

I am also in DADT, with ground rules similar to yours, except I'm allowed to go out, even locally. But, I still can't change in the house.

I'm in a social group, and one time we had almost 100 girls at a get together. We meet at a restaurant/bar at a local hotel, and we often have very fun interactions with the normals. Some girls travel hours for these social events and stay overnight in the hotel. Someone has usually shared their hotel room with me so I can change if I need to, but I have done it in the car or in the bathroom when necessary.

I know you don't want to violate the rules, but I've also gotten dressed when out of tow on business. I got my first makeover, met with a social group in Houston, and had dinner and a private shopping event in Denver.

There's also underdressing. I wear panties a lot when I can't dress. I've also had my toenails painted and hidden under sox for months at a time. I also take yoga classes. For several years I've gone to yoga class in obviously womens leggings, racer back tops, and of course, nail polish. The classes are mostly GGs, and not only do they accept, but they encourage my dressing. I even asked one of my yoga instructors what color nail polish she was wearing because I wanted to buy some for myself.

I do all these things either because they are in keeping with the rules, or thr rules do not permit or prohibit. I sincerely hopes this gives you some ideas, ans maybe opens up a conversation with your wife.

[Dannie1]

I would say your right with the whole tolerate wording. But we are trying to make it work, the thought of not being with her is unquestionable. I never meant for what happened to happen. Maybe it was always dormant but when it came to the surface I’d hoped she would enjoy having me all girly and that it would a fun thing to do together. Didn’t quite pan out that way but she hasn’t left me or kicked me out. I try to see the positives. I would hate to lie if she asked have you ever been out dressed when I know she would end it. Even though I don’t see how this would affect her if I’m doing it out of town when I’m away.
Maybe a trust issue. If I met someone like me would I cheat basically. She knows how opened minded I am. So I guess she thinks there’s a risk I’ll meet either a woman who does like it or another cd. It’s hard to reassure when you’ve changed so much since when we first met. Feel like I waffled on there but I’m sure there are plenty in this situation just based on all the comments on this thread.

[Teresa]

Dannie ,
Many support groups accept members in drab and also offer changing facillities .

This is a complex question , on the one hand your wife partner says what she does and doesn't like , most of us tend to go along with it because we say we love them and don't want to upset the apple cart .

Now the other side of the coin is you are a human being with your own needs and wants , is it right we accept our lives being controlled in this way , the question is do you suppress or control your wife in anyway ?

Ther problem most of us face is we can apparently turn the need on and off according to our wives/family so the question is why can't we turn it off permanently . We really need to decide how much the dressing means and how deep the feelings go ? Suppressing long term isn't good for our mental health , you can't live a compromised lifestyle forever !

[Dannie1]

All good points. I certainly can’t turn it off. I would say I carry a lot of feminine traits even when not dressed so it definitely runs deep and perhaps I can make it so it’s not too obvious at times. There’s no control. I don’t think. Fear on both sides- possibly. Genuine love for each- definitely.

[April Rose]

That’s great you can go not dressed up. Even better there are ones that have on site changing areas.
What scares me is i am very much male when with male friends. I can’t imagine talking to someone while I or both individuals are cross dressed. Even if it does bring out more of my feminine characteristics which I bury most of the time.[/QUOTE]
I think you will get over that quickly. I felt that way my first time at a group, but I was over it before I left the first evening. It's scary the first time, but you quickly come to look forward to it.

[Helen_Highwater]

Thank you

That’s great you can go not dressed up. Even better there are ones that have on site changing areas.
What scares me is i am very much male when with male friends. I can’t imagine talking to someone while I or both individuals are cross dressed. Even if it does bring out more of my feminine characteristics which I bury most of the time.

Dannie,

I can say from experience from the very first social group I attended, that I thought I was going to feel like a fish out of water, I'd be the odd one out. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was warmly welcomed and was sat chatting away like we were old friends within minutes. It didn't feel strange or surreal. It felt totally natural. Don't forget, they had a first time to so know where you're coming from.

It's an easy mistake to make by prejudging things. Treat these things with an open mind.

[Teresa]

April,
These are options for Dannie to consider , we are talking about social groups rather than help groups but the point is they are there to help people if they wish to be helped , it gives people the option to dress safely when they have no where else to find that outlet and that is the point of Dannie's thread .

[Dannie1]

Such amazing comments from everyone. Now considering social groups as a genuine option. I’ve never met anyone (that I know of) who does what I do in private. Be interesting to give you all feedback once this happens. Not saying it’s something in the near future but you have all made me consider it as a real option.
What did you find yourself talking about, that’s got me wondering. “Hey fellow cross dresser?” Lol. That’s my nervous humour reacting on my first time in a social group if i imagined it. Hopeless... 😂

[Helen_Highwater]

Dannie,

What was the conversation like? Well, it's, "Hi, I'm Helen" then introductions all round then it's things like, "This is the first time I've ever met fellow crossdressers, have you been coming here long?" It's that sort of thing.

I exchanged my story with theirs. Were they out to family and friends, how long had they dressed, do you go out anywhere else. The conversation was just like minded people politely chatting, discussing a shared experience. Don't forget, you'll be talking to people who will sympathise with your situation.

I would say, don't over think it. You will be nervous, that's natural but as I said above, that nervousness rapidly evaporated. I would advise not to over dress. Demure is better that diamanté. That said there may be some dressed to the nines but in my experience most are dressed to blend.

Just for info. My first experience was at a group far away from home. I'd emailed the group secretary in advance just out of politeness. The group meets in a private room in a hotel which meant I walked across the foyer's marble floor with my kitten heels clicking away. I can remember standing in the doorway of the room and hesitating for a second or so. As I say, 5 minutes later totally relaxed.

That night was a real milestone in my dressing journey. Being able to talk face to face lets you know you're not alone, not weird, just you and that's okay.

[Dannie1]

Thank you for that. This seems like the next logical step for me and could make me feel less alone with it. Hope I can find somewhere. I’m from the UK by the way. Not sure what the best way to search for social groups specific to cross dressers is over here but I’m sure I’ll figure something out!

[Helen_Highwater]

Dannie,

Well you could start by giving us a broad indication of where your from. North East, Midlands, that sort of thing. What you may then find is someone can point you in the direction of a group local to you. If you want to go to one away from home, somewhere you visit regularly, then ask for advice and info for there.

You may draw a blank but if you don't try..........

[Michaelasfun]

Similar to the boat I’m in; however, if I think back, most if not all of the things I enjoy, whether this, or hobbies, or etc., have been solo ventures. All I know is, it makes me happy, and I don’t necessarily need companionship or buy-in from others.

[Dannie1]

But wouldn’t you like the encouragement or compliments or constructive criticism as a form of help. Or share your joy for a moment you had as a way of celebration? These are things I wish I had. It’s like doing a high five to air. Imagine a high five in a solo sport like golf and no one saw the shot. It meant nothing to anyone who didn’t see it. Just trying to put it in to a context.

- - - Updated - - -

I’m in the south and can get to east/west and Kent from where I am quite easily. Right on the m25 basically.

[Helen_Highwater]

Dannie,

The logical place for you to look for somewhere to go would be Brighton. There's a sizable Gay community there and if memory serves there's also a Transform makeover store.

I'm fairly certain there's a couple of folks on here who live in your general direction who go out and about.

It might be worth a separate thread simply asking for ideas on where to go in the South East/M25 corridor.

What you sometimes get are memberss posting saying they're going to travel to........... Does anyone know somewhere suitable to go out/meet up.

[Dannie1]

Sounds good. You’ve been amazing. 🙂

[KayC]

First, let's be honest; your wife doesn't accept, she tolerates.
Maybe that's the first step towards acceptance. This is a process.

[Dannie1]

Positive way of looking at it. I’ll take it...

Just on the phone to my wife 5 minutes ago. We were talking and I said I want our conversations to be more open. I’m clearly avoiding mentioning I’m cross dressed right now whilst away. And she’s not asking. I said we need to stop boxing this off. If we are to progress I have to speak my mind,

Yes I am here dressed up feeling good!
Why can’t I just say it. I know she doesn’t want to visualise but I don’t have to go in to detail that much but at least ask me if I am or let me say what I’m up to. This would be a starting point to acceptance surely?...

[Tracii G]

Well your situation isn't the best but it could be much worse so at least you can be thankful sort of.

[Dannie1]

I’m in that horrible spot aren’t I. Not the worst but not the best. 🤷🏻*♂️

[Helen_Highwater]

Dannie,

As Tracii says, it could be much worse. You're on a journey. It's easy to think you can get there, foot down, full speed ahead. The problem with that is you can miss so much along the way.

Take it steady, do it right first time, mistakes can be costly.

It has taken me decades to get to where I am. Although I'm happy going out and about confidently enfemme, I'll spend an entire week, 24/7 enfemme, I still remain in the closet to my SO.

So look at the positives in your situation. Don't rush or push things too hard with your SO. It's far better to get to your destination intact than to crash and burn along the way.

[Dannie1]

How do you remain enfemme all week but still be in the closet? How does that work...