Being a CD and a father

[Palaina Nocturnus]

I am 42 years old and I have 2 sons, 20 years old and 2 years old. My girlfriend has an 11 year old daughter. My girlfriend is the mother to my 2 year old.

My oldest son grew up with me trying to find my true self and has accepted that I am a CD. He is a straight A student that started college at 16 years old, is a Christian (I am too, most people opposed to CDs seem to be from my religious preference lol) and he is heterosexual. Since my 2 year old was born, I've fully dressed up in front of him.

My girlfriend has asked that I do not dress up fully around her daughter or our son. I'm very conflicted on this. I love and treat her daughter as if she was my own. My dressing up has nothing to do with sexuality as far as getting aroused is concerned.

I still experience sexual arousal when I get dressed up and go out to a club or bar or festival, but at home I feel nothing. I'm allowed to wear female clothing like cute tops, short shorts and capris around her, and my toe nails are constantly painted and adorned with toe rings and anklets. In fact, her daughter has put on outfits to match me, I'm the only one that listens to her pop music, I love to dance and I'm very outspoken about how men are really mean to women. She has said she loves that I'm not like any other males that she knows.

I'm not looking for negative comments or negative opinions. I'm seeking advice and a good natured debate if necessary.

I feel like my girlfriend is contributing to the problem facing CDs today. It's ok if I go into a women's restroom while dressed up as long as it's not with her daughter. It's ok for the both of them to wear daisy dukes but not me because it "shows my bulge in front and butt in back". My girlfriend can show her cleavage (at 5'5" she has very beautiful 38DDs so it's quite obvious lol) but I'm not allowed to wear my padded bra. I understand but I'm against it. I'm so conflicted. When it comes to exposing my buttocks or genital area I FULLY understand and comply to not doing that around ANY of our kids, it kinda goes without saying.

I hope I have made sense cuz I'm really stuck on this topic

[mattea]

Palaina,

It sounds like to me, that you need to really have some heart to heart discussions with your girlfriend. Many of the things you are trying to justify here are with a group of people who already share some of your same interests. Basically and with all due respect, you don't need to convince us, you need to convince her. I have a fully accepting and participatory wife in what it is that I am and what I do, but it took a lot of work, compromise, cries, fights and frustrations for us to find our common ground and from there we built things up to where we are completely on the same page. The only time we go off the rails is when we don't talk or communicate what our needs and feelings are. Many of the ladies and our friends here will tell you it is about compromise, and that you will have to sacrifice some things to get a few in return and I guess that is true, but it all starts with genuine, loving, conversation and debate of what it is that you want to achieve or be.

Remember that everyone has their own comfort level with their identity and what they think is right and wrong and if I were to suggest anything is that you focus on the positives within the relationship and how being what we are can be a positive thing for your children. (you already mentioned a few positives)

I have seen it with my own children, and they have taught me much more than I will ever know or understand about acceptance because they have not learned as many of the stereotypes and bigotries that I was brought up with. My kids are much more accepting and kind I think because they have learned to embrace differences, where I was brought up to be afraid of them.

Whatever happens and know that honesty, and love may not get you where you want to be, but it is certainly the right thing to go with, and considering your comment about your faith, prayer is always worth your time.

Good Luck!

Mattea

[Tracii G]

You shouldn't be showing those areas in the first place why are you "conflicted" about that?
Your GF and her daughter shouldn't either.
If you are confined to their rules then you are letting them control you and once you do that they lose all respect for you.
The fact they can do whatever they want and you can't speaks volumes.
I'm not saying that to be mean so please understand its just my observation based on the info I have that came from your words.

[hosekid]

Most people 25 and older in our society have been taught since childhood what is right and wrong. The thing is, it was normal in the past for men and women to be held to different standards. When I was in school, it was school board dress code policy that boys could not have hair that touched their shirt collar nor wear earrings. You would be sent home if you violated these rules. It is ingrained very deep into some people's thinking that men should be what traditional men have always been. So needless to say, people just feel crossdressing is wrong. They cant articulate why, especially without saying that women can do it because they are women. So your girlfriend probably just "feels" that what you are doing is wrong. The problem is that people seem to see what other people do wrong is "more wrong" than their own issues. I have actually had a pothead dope dealing woman with no morality that openly steals and cheats tell me that crossdressing is wrong. So like Tracii said, you dont have to be mean, but you do have to stand up for yourself. You should be allowed to dress however you choose. I guarantee your girlfriend dresses however she chooses.

[Teresa]

Palaina,
I think you might need to have a think about what your Cding needs are , the sexual element is a slight concern or appears to be so with your GF , she does sound uncomfortable with that aspect and possibly has some doubts as far as the children are concerned . Does she feel your relationship with the dasughter is a little unhealthy ?

As far a going out is concerned maybe you should accept tucking and wearing a bar has the obvious answer , your GF needs to wear one to give her the support she needs while you do not .

You must consider what makes other people uncomfortable , acceptance will come in stages but it won't happen at all if you don't show some respect to others .

[docrobbysherry]

I'm unqualified to speak on your dressing issues with your GF. The two of u need to come to a workable compromise.

However, I was once a kid and I raised two also. So, I can speak to that. I grew up in the 50's so I guess my parents were way ahead of their time. They didn't intentionally walk around naked. But, until my sister and I were about 10? They didn't intentionally hide their naked bodies from us either. As a result I grew up without phobias regarding nakedness.

With my daughters, they were allowed to walk around the house naked or half dressed as toddlers. Hopefully, my ex wasn't shy about hiding her body from them. I didn't feel it was appropriate for them to see me naked after about age 3. However, I never hid my "bulges" from them. Nor did I ever comment on the bulges that they developed as they grew.

It is my opinion that parents should let children learn about gender and sexual differences on their own and in their own time. My older girl was quite involved with boys by age 10. We had the "talk" when she was about 12. I thot my younger one mite be gay until she finally starting dating boys in high school! She was 16 before we had the "talk!:battingeyelashes:

[Stephanie47]

The only advise I can offer is to continue to have discussions on all the conflicting issues. Too many times discussions are just not serious. For me it is never adequate to say or accept "I don't like it!" The issue is really "Why don't you like it?" Each spouse/partner may have a valid reason for his or her position.

Tracii makes the issue sort of a "control issue." This notion of control is always a two way street. The husband/male wants to wear women's clothing. The wife/woman says she does not like it. The guy does it anyway with an "in your face, take it or leave it" attitude. Isn't that controlling also? This issue of controlling is not limited to cross dressing.

[Asew]

Sounds like you girlfriend is accepting of partial dressing around the kids. Do you have outlets to fully dress on occasion?

My wife initially only gave me the ok to wear skirts in front of my kids. Then over time things like bracelets, rings, anklets, hair accessories, cardigans, dresses, and satin pj bottoms have been allowed around them. But she doesn't like if an outfit has too much femme though. Things like hoisery, shoes, and pursed are taboo (though my wife has mentioned I have these things on a few occasions in front of them so they know I have some). But this works for me since I identify as non-binary and love to mix a Hawaiian shirt with a nice skirt. But it seems like both my wife and your girlfriend are just trying to downplay our femme expression.

I would be too afraid of things spilling out in something as short a daisy duke. I also I worry about bulge, but realized my male clothes never hid a bulge if you were looking so while I tend to pick things like gathered/pleated skirt styles to minimize it and avoid things like pencil skirts that make it stick out like a sore thumb.

[Micki_Finn]

She is 100% within her rights to dictate rules for her daughter. They may seem absurd or unreasonable, but no matter how much you care for her, that is still your girlfriend’s child which means she gets to make all the decisions. As to the child you have together, that gets a little more complicated, because you DO have a say in how that child is raised. However if you look at it practically, if you’re going to respect her wish and not dress in front of her kid, then basically by default you won’t be dressing in front of your youngest.

[Tracii G]

Absolutely 100% has the right to dictate rules to her daughter and more than likely her daughter will always mean more to her than you will. So get used to that you are not her father but just a man that lives with her Mom.

[Confucius]

I'm afraid there isn't an easy path for you. If you love your girlfriend and respect her then the best advice is to try to accommodate her wishes. I recommend you tell your girlfriend that you love her and she comes first in your life. You respect her opinions on raising the children and you will do your best to live within her boundaries. It is important that the lines of communication remain opened. When you cannot crossdress you need to tell her that it is difficult for you. Let her know that crossdressing makes you happy and provides sensations of well-being, gratification, reduces stress, and is just hardwired into your brain. Thank her for any crossdressing liberties you allows you. I believe that over time, she will give you small incremental freedoms as she learns that there is nothing to fear from your crossdressing.

[Jenny22]

Could part of her reasoning be because you are a stay at home dad .. if you still are?

[Palaina Nocturnus]

Thank you to everyone that gave me a polite response, all others I just ignore lol I do not tolerate bullying, even passive aggressive gets the boot lol

Anyways....... I believe it has to do with programming done by my girlfriends parents. She is not consistent with anything concerning any rules. Some days they're enforced, others not so much.

The one thing no one seems to understand is how difficult it is raising our 2 year old and how demanding her job is. She's on a contract to get significant raises annually, so I need a flexible night job that doesn't require using my hands. She knows how hard I work at raising him and literally no one else can do it.

My main reason for posting this originally was to seek others that have actually been in this situation, not to get advice on how to not raise my stepdaughter lol

I'm already compromising and also NOT wearing things that show my privates (duh she's a kid, come on now besides she's my stepdaughter), that was not the point. The point was do as I say and not as I do is wrong and confusing, especially when you claim to be sympathetic and encouraging towards my lifestyle.

[Bea_]

I have never given it much thought because I was 6 or 7 years into empty nesting when the thought first hit that there was really no reason that I couldn't wear things from the women's department. I am sympathetic to the issues your facing, but have no real practical experience.

But, I am wondering what "dressing fully" means when you already wear "cute tops, short shorts and capris, toe nails that are constantly painted and adorned with toe rings and anklets". I'm assuming you're not wanting to wear things that are too far over the top around the kids. Given those allowances, I can't imagine a padded bra being a deal breaker for her. Everyone's got their unfathomable issues. For me, my wife warmed up to seeing me in floral lace string bikinis from the first time she saw me in them. But, she had an issue with even the tiniest bows on any panties for quite a while. She disliked briefs for quite a while too. Go figure.

There are many here on the forum that would love the freedom you have, but I know that doesn't take away from the seemingly irrational limits you're dealing with. I hope that her comfort zone and your desires will come to match without too long a wait and without too much drama.

[Micki_Finn]

Thank you to everyone that gave me a polite response, all others I just ignore lol I do not tolerate bullying, even passive aggressive gets the boot lol

Anyways....... I believe it has to do with programming done by my girlfriends parents. She is not consistent with anything concerning any rules. Some days they're enforced, others not so much.

The one thing no one seems to understand is how difficult it is raising our 2 year old and how demanding her job is. She's on a contract to get significant raises annually, so I need a flexible night job that doesn't require using my hands. She knows how hard I work at raising him and literally no one else can do it.

My main reason for posting this originally was to seek others that have actually been in this situation, not to get advice on how to not raise my stepdaughter lol

I'm already compromising and also NOT wearing things that show my privates (duh she's a kid, come on now besides she's my stepdaughter), that was not the point. The point was do as I say and not as I do is wrong and confusing, especially when you claim to be sympathetic and encouraging towards my lifestyle.

Apparently we have very different standards for bullying. You asked for opinions from the community and we gave it to you, honestly and respectfully. I’m sorry if some of our responses/opinions aren’t what you wanted to hear, but if all you wanted was a bunch of people to agree with you and tell you what a hypocrite your wife is, perhaps you should have made that clearer in your post?

I may not have had step kids, but I’ve had 4 step parents, and I stand by my statement that the only parental rights you have to her daughter are the ones she grants you. It doesn’t matter that her rules don’t make sense to you.

[abbiedrake]

Despite being a CD and a father of two grown women, I'll have to answer hypothetically since I don't have a relationship with either (typically long stories, both) and I didn't start CDing fully until many years after those bonds had been broken.

That's one disclaimer, here's another - of course people have commented on your parenting, Palaina. You brought it up! And it is central to the issues you have with your other half. There's literally no way for us to help at all without bringing parenting into it.

Your gf calls the shots on her daughter, and by extention, as has been mentioned, that means you're unlikely to change your circumstances by trying to put your foot down there.

Putting up with hypocrisy is a fact of life sadly, even in those we love.

Compared to many here, myself included to a degree, your situation is nirvana. I would suggest you frame the supposed hypocrisy in terms of how much your gf DOES allow you to express. Too many of us are far less fortunate. You have a loving family and are allowed to express yourself as more than simply 'male'. Bluntly, your clarification now sounds like an unjustified complaint.

Ask yourself what you've sacrificed for your gf. She may frustrate you with some of her arbitrary behaviour but she has already bent her, according to you inherited, prejudices by allowing her bf to present as femme to a fair degree. And around her daughter, no less!

Talk to her more with love, honesty, compassion, and most importantly openness. I've super-boosted the latter in my talks with Wifeling. It's helped immeasurably. It's not the same as simple honesty. You have to volunteer something of yourself, unsolicited. Whenever I've done this, with anyone, I've always had it reciprocated. I'm now in some of the most meaningful relationships of my life. Talking in this way you can understand her position more. At the moment you don't and while we hear your frustration that's not a gap we can fill. Only your gf can. You need to establish the deepest level of communication that you dare.

Oh and stop complaining. :2c:

[Crissy 107]

That is a very good post by Abbiedrake!
I am not going to talk about the content of this thread, others have done it, but to what Palaina has called bullying. Yes she was/is being bullied and I feel that is wrong. Many of us here were bullied growing up, I can say that I was for sure, sometimes relentlessly, and it is a terrible thing. It’s one thing to make a point contrary to maybe what the OP was looking for but yes there are many different valuable views here. The issue I have is with the, I agree with so and so in a post. There is no reason IMO to pile on someone like that. The original point was made and just let it stand on its own.
I feel it is hard enough to start a thread and put one’s self out there for responses and yes when you ask a question you will get all sorts of views but we do not need to pile on and pound the table agreeing with another opinion. We are better then that.

[Bobbi46]

Palaina, From what I understand you seem to be in someway being dominated, the rules are being laid down without any input by you, your GF to me and this is only my opinion and not meant to be demeaning in any way but I think you need to take a firmer hold of your side of the equation. Could it be that your view of dressing is slightly going against the grain, could it be that toe rings and anklets should be put to one side. I know everybody is entitled to express themselves as they see fit but do you not think your style of dressing could be a bit confrontational.
I am not in any way having a go at you I am just trying to see the other side of the whole thing.

[abbiedrake]

Bobbi, I think there's an inconsistency in what you said. Palaina is being dominated but is able to dress in a manner many here take for granted. That's not her being 'dominated', if you ask me. And we have too little info to make a call of how much input Palaina has generally, only that in this one specific sphere she feels slightly hampered and it seems arbitrary as she only wants to wear the same as her GF and stepdaughter. Again. I'd say that's a lot different to being dominated.

Trust me, I've lost literally everything in my life, except my life, in protecting my own agency from those who would curtail it. This does not feel like that drastic a situation. Being dominated and controlled is a criminal act, not to mention a great reason to crash a relationship but again, that's not what Palaina seems, to me, to be expressing.

[Tracii G]

I get kind of tired of people saying things like they are being bullied.
I know of no one that hasn't been bullied at some time in their life.

[kimdl93]

I sat on this one for a long time. In any situation relating to children, and particulary step children, I advise the exercise of restraint and discretion. No, I’m not endorsing transphobic attitudes. I’m endorsing caution. One misstep and a step parent can go from a being perceived as a responsible parent to being labeled a predator.

Does wearing daisy dukes constitute inappropriate behavior/dress? Not in and of itself, but then neither would a g-string and tassels be inappropriate in a some settings. Exercising consideration for others, personal restraint and caution/good judgment are things parents do...both to protect their children and to teach their children.

[Tracii G]

Kim I agree and I was hesitant to go there.
Using good judgement seems to be lacking in this day and age be it kids or adults.
The main thing is what are you teaching your kids while you are dressing in that way?
Its a powder keg anyway with a GF and step kids not so much with the children you have together because you do have legal rights in that case.
Seems like she has it made as far as dressing in womens clothes to a good degree but blaming the GF because she has limits ?
Really? We all have limits.

[Rachelakld]

Raising 3 step daughters is fun and while we often swap clothes and quite often they would "borrow" my make up until it was all used up.
The clothes we wear, are supplied from womens clothes shops and worn by GG going about their normal day to day routines.
IE, there's no showing of anything rude and any "bulgers" are tucked away as much as possible.

I try not to dress when we go out together, but it has happened occasionally when they want to go shopping or a ride to friends "NOW".
My wife of 10 years, has never really been into my dressing, it's just not her thing (neither is riding motorcycling), but she lets me enjoy my other personality

[abbiedrake]

Seems like she has it made as far as dressing in womens clothes to a good degree but blaming the GF because she has limits ?
Really? We all have limits.

This^^^^

[Patience]

I’m not going to opine on the relationship issue. Plenty of advice there already.

But I’ll point out that it is not necessary to be a christian to be a good person and that not all people who practice that religion are necessarily good people, like any other religion.

[Vickie_CDTV]

She obviously doesn't like your dressing. It would have been best if you told her and negotiated these inter-family issues before you married her and had a child with her. Would be good advice for anyone in that situation, even when crossdressing is not involved. For better or worse, you are now stuck with her rules.

(Of course, a man who tells a woman what she can and can't wear would be torn to pieces, but it is the way the system works...)

On the other hand, you have a family. I am your age, and while I am single and can dress all I want, I am getting old and will probably never have a family or children of my own. I envy you. I'd gladly give up my dressing to have what you have.

[JenniferMBlack]

I dont have children but also don't think that is the underlying issue here. You said she doesn't want you to fully dress around them. That would have to be defined to get a full understanding of what she is asking. How many ladies here have some limit with their SO on what they cant wear, be it a bra,wig, padding,make up, or a number of other things. Maybe she is ok with you wearing clothes but doesn't want you looking to much like a women. This could be her own comfort and she uses the kids as the reason, only she knows. Could also be she dosen't like any of it but that's her compromise. You will need to talk to her about that.
Although it sucks being told what you can or cant do by another it is part of being in a relationship and this should have been worked out before if it is that big of a deal for you.

[Palaina Nocturnus]

I honestly was talking about one or maybe two people on my post. I always think there's a nicer way to say anything critical.

Yes I know my GF has the final say with her daughter. I shouldn't even need to get "advice" on that level. I have a 20 yr old son with a different person. Even when I used to be married, my spouse was not his mom. My rules, my kid. Her rules, her kid. If her dad makes a rule, I have to abide by it. I know my place.

I brought my beliefs into the conversation for the sole purpose of helping an outsider understand the complexity of my life. It was not a main focus.

One reply was a bit harsh and unapologetic so I won't even touch on that. One more gets the boot lol

I really appreciate the comments since my last reply, they were very thoughtful and inspiring. I know my rant may come off as negative when in reality I wrote it while crying from sadness.

It's not that hard to say hey I don't understand you're plight but here's my outlook and advice. Thank you to those that were nice. Your words helped me tremendously and now I see my situation better.

I don't think I'm being dominated, my ex wife did that quite well along with the 4 abuses, but I do feel taken for granted. But then again, I'm luckier than most so there's no need for me to continue to be frustrated.

What a difference kindness made..........

[Tracii G]

Sometimes others looking at your situation from another angle can help a great deal for you to see things in a different light.
I'm sure you will get things all squared away with just communicating each others wishes and needs.
Good luck.

[Crissy 107]

Tracii, Excellent post and good advice!

[donnalee]

One shouldn't ask other peoples opinions unless they are prepared to listen to them.