Came out to a friend (no more) and.....

[missynicole]

I recently told a, now former, friend of mine that I was a crossdresser. I asked him if he would mind spending some time with me when I was dressed. I thought he was a kind person who would understand, listen to me and that we could enjoy more of each others company. Yes I was wrong. He told me to seek counseling, that what I was doing was wrong and to stay away from him. Of course I felt humiliated and afraid that he would tell others. I just wanted someone to share my female side with. Why is it sooooo difficult.......
MIssy Nicole

[Tracii G]

Maybe he thinks you were coming on to him and wanted a sexual relationship.
Your use of the term spending time dressed can cause some guys to freak out.
Maybe you don't pass well or he might just be an asshole and homophobic/transphobic.
Coming out is not always the right thing to do as you found out.
I came out to a couple I knew quite well and now I am the worst person on the planet in their eyes.
Yes I have made that mistake more than a few times and regretted telling them.
I did have one tell some other old friends but those older friends were fine with it so you never know what is going to happen.
If you chose to come out you best be ready for rejection and all that comes with it.

P.S.
One thing I need to reiterate you cannot force someone to accept you if they don't want to.

[Bruce64]

The only person I told so far is my wife, she has some understanding, I won't tell anyone else, that is just me. As far as telling a Friend, some men don't understand crossdressersing and its pointless yo make the listen, understand and be supportive.

[carhill2mn]

Telling a friend, especially a man, that you are a CD is always a bit risky. Sometimes you will be surprised as to who will be accepting.

[Maria_mtf]

Sorry to hear that it didnt go well.

Personally if I was to come out to a friend, male or female, I would be extremely tentative and let them lead on what they feel confortable with. I would tell, await questions and leave it that.

With the limited details you provided it almost sounds like you said something like: yo buddy, by the way I am a crossdresser, suprise, anyway I am sure you are cool with hanging out with me when I am dressed up yea?

I am sure you didny say that lol but either way fingers crossed the next person you tell is more receptive.

[Robertacd]

That is the risk we all take when coming out.

I am sorry for your loss, but a true friend would not be that way. Take some time to grieve and then move on. After all it's not your fault and chances are your life is going to be better without them.

[Maid_Marion]

Platonic relationships are still hard today, as there is always the suspicion of sexuality. Add in the gender issue and I'm not surprised, unless you live i a very tolerant town, like Provincetown in Cape Cod, which makes a ton of money on LGBT tourism.

Sorry to hear you lost a friend.

[Micki_Finn]

Maybe he thinks you were coming on to him and wanted a sexual relationship.
Your use of the term spending time dressed can cause some guys to freak out.


The way the OP described the encounter, I got this impression as well. Don’t know if Nicole is quoting directly, but if she was, it did sound like a wind up hitting on the friend.

And if he flipped out on you like that, was he really ever your friend to start with?

[Jodie_Lynn]

Coming out is always a risky proposition, you just can never tell how people are going to respond. Sometimes the people you think would flip out, don't, and those that you think would be fine, just lose their minds.

Sorry for you that it went badly.

[Tracii G]

[QUOTE=Maria_mtf;4370397]Sorry to hear that it didnt go well.

With the limited details you provided it almost sounds like you said something like: yo buddy, by the way I am a crossdresser, suprise, anyway I am sure you are cool with hanging out with me when I am dressed up yea?

I am sure she didn't say it in that manner.
Why would you say yeah/yea at the end of a sentence?

[Ressie]

I've never been able to tell any male friends of mine nor have I had the desire to. If you're not a CD yourself there isn't much chance that you'd understand.

[Eemz]

Why would you say yeah/yea at the end of a sentence?

That's just a UK/US thing.. where an American might put "right?" at the end of a sentence to check they're understanding correctly "so we're good, right?" some parts of England they'll say "so we're good, yeah?"

On the OP... maybe it was too much too quick, I have found that guys in particular often need some time to process it. But I agree with others that anyone who would react like stay away from me you freak is ultimately not someone you want in your life anyway. I'm sorry you have to find that out this way though.

Don't give up. There are better people than that out there. Most people in fact.

[alwayshave]

missynicole , I'm very sorry this did not end well with your friend. I keep my dressing close to the vest for just that very reason.

[Sara Jessica]

Typical of what we see in these pages. Ever hear of baby steps? Compelled to come out to a friend, knock yourself out. But to say "hey, let's hang out with me all dressed up" right out of the gate is asking for the reaction you got.

[kimdl93]

I’m baffled. As others observed, I don’t have enough context to know what this is all about, but it does seem an abrupt disclosure. I’ve known people for 60 years...people are i know are kind...but to presume accepting or further that they might “enjoy” each other’s company....that’s a bit much for a conversation beginning with, “oh, by the way, I’m a cross dresser.”

So, though you’ve been here a little since 2007, is this the first attempt at coming out?

[JaytoJillian]

I came out as trans to one of my best guy friends. He has turned out to be a wonderful ally and we are tighter now than before. Still, it was not a decision that I made lightly, as I had to consider the possibility of losing his friendship.

[Stephanie47]

I read your bio page and see you're 68 years old. If your friend is of a similar age that will probably work against you. Cross dressing was not widely accepted almost seventy years ago. Can't teach an old dog new tricks! If anyone is going to seek a social life as a cross dresser the most valued suggestions is seeking a social club/support group of like minded individuals. Given your age I sincerely doubt your friend thought you were coming on to him. Too many older people are too set in their ways. And, don't jump on me for that comment since I am over seventy years old.

[bridget thronton]

I have had good luck telling my female friends I crisscross - have not told any male friends (I have told my son and son in law)

[Bobbi46]

Sure its a gamble telling ones friends but it worked for me when it started to filter out to the wider community around me and I prempted any bad fallout by explaing to my closest friends that I dressed, I lost none of them fortunately but this is not always the way.

[Georgia K]

I once walked into a room after going to the toilet and had forgot to pull up my zip my mate said nice purple panties . Id been drinking and just blurted out well yeah im a crossdresser his reaction was priceless it oh yeah ok so I went for broke and said I'm also think I'm gay . Once again oh ok its your round .

[SaraLin]

Men are difficult. I've only told a few. Of those, only one has openly accepted and supported me.

Sadly, we've drifted apart and I've only seen him once in the last ten years or so.

[Sara Jessica]

I came out as trans to one of my best guy friends. He has turned out to be a wonderful ally and we are tighter now than before. Still, it was not a decision that I made lightly, as I had to consider the possibility of losing his friendship.

I love hearing about when disclosure works out so well like this. But coming out as trans is vastly different and far more crucial than coming out as a CD'er. OP thought coming out also meant playing dress-up and hanging out. Severe miscalculation if you ask me.

[missynicole]

thank you dear

- - - Updated - - -

thank you everyone for all of your thoughts, opinions, advice and sympathy...they all meant a lot to me.....it seems so simple...all i want is to be a woman with someone....yet as it has now been proven and i am sure 1,000 times proven...it isn't that easy...thanks again to all you are all a comfort....xoxox MN

[Rogina B]

....it seems so simple...all i want is to be a woman with someone..

As an out TG Woman..I ask...What is it you wish to happen?

[Jodie_Lynn]

>>SNIP<<
...it seems so simple...all i want is to be a woman with someone...

>>SNIP<<

Elaborate and explain, please. This statement is VERY open to interpretation, and could be construed in a sexual way.

[Veronica Lacey]

I asked him if he would mind spending some time with me when I was dressed. I thought he was a kind person who would understand, listen to me and that we could enjoy more of each others company. Yes I was wrong. He told me to seek counseling, that what I was doing was wrong and to stay away from him.
MIssy Nicole

Seems as if you approached your friend with expectations, the assumption that he would be ok with your dressing - and your expectations - and that your friendship would grow in a manner that suited your hopes. He may still be a kind person but being kind doesn't necessarily equate to being unmoved by such a disclosure. Most of us don't have poker faces and counsellor's minds when unexpectedly given such information about somebody we thought we knew. Crossdressing may be a bit more accepted today than in the past but it's still unusual, it still carries a stigma for a lot of people as they don't know much about it or those who live this way.

Unfortunate that your friend's reaction was what it was but maybe he needs time (days, weeks, months?) to digest this new part of your personality. Old cliché about hindsight being 20/20 but should you feel the need in future to make such a full disclosure maybe just sharing that you enjoy wearing female attire is plenty enough information the first time around rather than adding in the expectations of increased friendship bliss. Even that could be too much too soon but it would be a statement rather than a request, sharing a personal preference rather than a requisition.

I hope you can find some peace about this moment.

[BettyMorgan]

What we do carries a lot of connotations that many do not understand. To ask friends to support us is good! However, we MUST make sure those friends have the capacity to support us.
It's no different than when someone is distressed about something and they seek the advice of a friend. We can place a burden on them that they may not have the capacity to manage. I hope I made sense.
Don't be hard on your friend and know it's never too late to heal a relationship.

[abbiedrake]

I tend to agree with those who've suggested your comment about hanging together while you're dressed was a step to far, MN.
Coming out is never easy, but you might have make it slightly easier if come out is all that you had said and done. Even if your friend didn't assume you were coming on to him it's still a massive ask when you've just laid such a bombshell on him.
I'm sorry to hear it seems to have ended the friendship. It's always a risk. But equally maybe don't let it put you off telling anybody, just perhaps be a little more measured about it.

[AndreaCalifCD]

all i want is to be a woman with someone....

Perhaps some sort of "personals ad"? Where you can plainly state what you are looking for. Obviously that can be a minefield as well, but at least people will know up front and not be in for any surprises...

[Joannie]

I really want to comment, but I am struggling to find the right words. I am sorry you lost a friend, but maybe this is an opportunity, not a challenge.

[DressyJenny]

I'm sorry honey. That had to be tough. Unfortunately we can't force people to accept us. But that doesn't mean we can't be who we are. And certainly shouldn't be ashamed.