Fear of Being Recognized, Hit On or Hit

[Veronica4me]

I accept that the pink fog is a part of who I am just like my bones. Until a few years ago, I felt like I was the only one like me, as many of you have said in the past. I'm a tall, broad shoulder, single gurl, so I would definitely draw attention if I were to go out in public. That said, I know I can pull off looking feminine, my facial features are reasonably attractive, my Adam's Apple doesn't really show, and I've learned to walk in 3" heels. However, my hips may be an issue.

The one thing I do always wear now are women's jeans, but that's it.

I wish we CDs had local get-togethers on a regular basis with other en femme ladies, so I could visit in person with like minded people. There is Hamburger Mary's in Long Beach, but it's an hour and a half drive each way.

A big issue for me right now is that I share a house with two guys my age, so even my home dressing is limited. Veronica never comes out of my bedroom when they are home.

My big fears are being recognized by people I know, women I may want to date, and being hit on (or hit) by guys. This has kept me from getting a makeover, wig shopping (there's a top notch store 25 minutes from me), and going out fully dressed.

Most threads are about married issues, but I want to hear from you single, en femme ladies like me, please. How do you feel about all of this?

Please forgive me if I posted this in the wrong section, but thank you for reading about my challenges.

[Tracii G]

I am sure there is a trans support group in your area so check with your local LGBT office.
What fear do you have exactly?
Your friends know you as you they won't be looking for you dressed as a female so chances are they won't recognize you in girl mode.
My Daughter and son in law were two feet away from me and didn't recognize me out shopping in girl mode one day.
The reason being I would think is they weren't expecting to see me dressed as a female.
My daughter would have called me out on it if she did recognize me but she has not said a word all these years later.

[MonicaPVD]

Every experience is unique, as well as the environment that you travel in. You raise three distinct issues:

First, the possibility of being recognized by acquaintances. There are plenty of opinions out there so here's mine. If you are consumed with insecurity when going out, you will tend to act in ways that draw unnatural attention, even suspicion, to yourself. If you think people are out to recognize you, you will be nervous, will stare at people and will probably fulfill your own dreaded prophecy. If, on the other hand, you start with small excursions and build up as your confidence grows, you will discover that most people are too self absorbed to notice anyone else (who isn't sticking out like a sore thumb). Sure, there are always young girls traveling in packs and pervy adult men, both of whom have military-grade gender radar, but those two constituencies can be brutal to just about anyone.

Second, the possibility of being hit on or flirted with by a guy. Since you will be relatively new to dressing jn public, it will be apparent to anyone who is paying attention to you that you are not a genetic woman. That's OK. If a guy hits on you, you should react the same way you would if a guy hit in you while you were dressed in male attire. Be courteous, be polite and carry on. Male attention is not a bad thing, you won't catch an STD and if you were truly worried about an affront to your male dignity you wouldn't be out in that dress, anyway. Women deal with eager, aggressive and occasionally inappropriate men every day of their lives. Just smile and carry on.

Third, the threat of violence. There are two scenarios where I think the threat of violence must be taken seriously. One is if you are walking alone in a desolate and/or dark area and come across a shady guy (or guys) and the other is if you flirt and lead on an ignorant or intoxicated man who hasn't quite figured out that you are also a man. This usually happens in a night life environment where there is alcohol or other substances. Other than those two scenarios, I have never ever felt fear for my personal safety - and I have done some very very foolish things while all dolled up.

So that's just my opinion.

[Tracii G]

Good points Monica I totally agree.
Especially the affront to you male dignity part, you are exactly right.
If that is a problem you have then I have to ask why are you going out in public dressed as a woman?

[Helen_Highwater]

Veronica,

The fear of being recognised is one often reported here but as Tracii points out, if you're dressed as a female, half decent makeup and a reasonable wig, most people tend not to give you a second look. If it's that concerning then bite the bullet and travel out of town for your early forays out. Gain your confidence that way.

As for safety it's largely common sense. There are places in my home city that I wouldn't go to even if I had a squad of fully armed special forces to keep me company while in drab. It's been written so often. Although it's counter intuitive there's safety in numbers. A busy shopping mall enables you to hide in plain sight, to merge into the crowd. As long as you're dressed appropriately for the place/time of day you'll go unnoticed as long as, as Monica points out, you're able to relax and not act like you're doing wrong.

[Majella St Gerard]

First you have to accept yourself and not care what others think.
Getting hit on by men is a given, no matter how you look, men are pigs.
Getting hit, stand your ground and be a man...in a dress.

[Tracii G]

Helen is right don't go to places most normal women won't go. Just common sense really.
Act like you belong where you are and people are usually too wrapped up in their own little world to realize you are there.
I rarely get hit on by men but there are some that look and maybe whistle or take a second look.
Thats no big deal really I just look back and smile if they are handsome.
If they want to do you harm then stand your ground like any guy would.

[Veronica4me]

Thank you for the feedback, ladies! I was a wrestler in the old days, so defending myself is not an issue if anyone takes a swing at me (that's the least of my fears, really). I have some freedom at home until tomorrow evening, so at least I can be en femme here. Maybe I'll go for a drive all made up after sunset tonight!

[Tracii G]

Enjoy your drive.

[Mickitv]

I agree with some of the comments you should be able to find some support group closer to you. If you are hit on by a man or even a woman just smile and say thank you and move on. Enjoy who you are.

[Micki_Finn]

Monica, I generally agree with everything you said EXCEPT the third point. Violence against trans and CD women has shot up in recent months and we are in potential danger everywhere we go. Which isn’t to say we shouldn’t go out, but rather we need to be conscious of our safety at ALL times.

[Veronica4me]

Do any of you go to a support group? If so, what's it like and do you go dressed?

[Tracii G]

I found a support group back in 2008 or so but kind of grew out of needing their support so I don't attend any more.
I figured out who I was and what I was looking for.
I went dressed 99% of the time.
We would go out as a group to dinner or a show after the meetings.
It was always a good time. I would suggest joining one just for the social aspect.

P.S. Don't think you are the only one in your area going thru this because I assure you there are plenty more in the same situation as you.

[Jenny22]

Veronica, check this out.
https://thecentersd.org/programs/transgender-services/

[sometimes_miss]

My big fears are being recognized by people I know, women I may want to date, and being hit on (or hit) by guys.
Valid fears. But you also need to remember that our behavior can result in a backlash from people who we don't even interact with. There are plenty of people out there who still hate that we even exist, who will find a way to make our lives difficult (or worse) in order to influence us in order to try to get us to leave their communities, workplaces, schools, etc..
I'm not out; so I get to be a fly on the wall and hear what the general public says about us. And while most people don't really care, there are still substantial numbers of people who do things that may hurt us, either physically or financially, in the background that we may never even know about. Consider the bosses who don't like LGBTQ people. They can hire others instead, simply saying that they value the other person's particular skills more than ours. Or when it comes time to lay people off, we might wind up being the ones who are the first to go, by the management doing things such as eliminating our departments or positions. It's the same as being evicted; if you're living in a two family house and the landlord doesn't want a LGBTQ person, all they have to do is tell you that they need the apartment for their family, and bingo, you're evicted. There are so many ways to make our lives more difficult, more uncomfortable, that the laws can't protect us from. Go to a restaurant en femme and the owner doesn't like that? They'll give you a crappy table. Request a different table? Then can tell you it's reserved for a different party who made their reservation before you did. The ways of treating us poorly just go on and on.


I was a wrestler in the old days, so defending myself is not an issue if anyone takes a swing at me
In case you haven't noticed, people who don't like us aren't usually interested in fair fights. You can't defend against what you don't see coming. Doesn't matter how big you are if a brick is coming towards your head from behind. And homophobes often travel in groups, so you might wind up fighting against several of them, at least one of whom you're not going to be able to keep track of, and THAT'S the guy who's going go do you in.

Be careful out there. Don't assume anything. And remember, one of my favorite quotes, 'just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean that they're not out to get you!' Like Micki wrote, violence towards us is up, as the political leaders in power have made it acceptable to lash out physically against people that they hate, just because they hate them.

[susan54]

I am not claiming that none of these things happen ever but I have been out dressed hundreds of times, mostly within 30 miles of home, and I have never been recognised, hit on or hit. I go mainly to shops and restaurants so no shady bars or night clubs. I have been close to people who know me a few times, including someone I was introduced to as Susan, who later gave me a drunken kiss. She did not recognise me. I had on make up, a dress, a wig and heels as most of us would, so there was a lack of visual clues. I am not a member of a support group - I do my own thing and any support I get out there is from women, who seem to like what I do and how I do it.

[Jean 103]

Well I guess that would be me. I have been to San Diego on vacation about 3 years ago.

I was dressed all the time. A couple things happened. Like down town this guy followed me into a drug store. I walked up to an SA. He was taller than me and I'm in heels. I spun around and was shoulder to shoulder with the SA ,the guy turned and left. The kid was a bit bewildered. I thanked him and went on with shopping.

I would not be afraid to go anywhere. I can take care of myself, it wouldn't be very lady like, or would to if I was to hit him with one of my heels . LOL.

There is a support group I go to up here. There are some CDs that go, even tho it is more support than social I think it would still be good for someone like you.

[Micki_Finn]

I would recommend looking at places to hangout in Hillcrest. If your friends and family are all straight, it’s unlikely they’ll be hanging out in that area, it’s a gayborhood, so people are generally on the lookout to protect each other from hate crimes, and it’s a gay area and you’ll be dressed as a woman, so you won’t get hit on too much if at all.

[stephenie3756]

Veronica - When I moved due to my new job and my wife and I lived apart, I was able to find a three support groups. (this was almost 20 years ago before the internet was what it is today), I decided to attend a meeting and met the most wonderful folks in the world. My second meeting I decided to dress at the meeting location. It was terrifying to come out of the bathroom in my stilettos, hosiery, and bodycon dress, but I was fully accepted by the group. One of the members was a woman transitioning to a man and I became friends with to the point of getting invited to his wedding. He would show us his drivers license where he was this absolutely beautiful woman (the crossdressers I was with were in awe and could not believe it was him)...I could not wait for the next meeting each month to be with other crossdressers...eventually, my wife moved to join me and there came to end of attending support groups. If you can find one in your area, GO.

[Jessifox85]

I was and still am a lot like you, I'm 34 now but didint marry my wife till I was 30. CDing started when I was 7 so I had along time but room mates were always an issue I loved on my own for only 2 years and they were the best 2 years for my alter ego Jessi but she still never left the house for fear of being recognized. It was a smaller town and I was known as a "tough guy", but also in the night clubs and bars alot. It was a small college town and my high school home town. (I grew up 30 min away so next town over wasn't an option either.) I was a little bit of a player back then too so I couldn't share closets with Jessica for fear one of the women would find out. So in other words jess has never been free in 27 years. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I got caught? What would I do? I mean i must be pretty good if I can hide it for this long? Will my friends ever talk to me know? So much could have gone wrong, but so much could have gone right too! What if one of those girls found my stash and liked it? Like really liked it? What I'm getting at is you dont know what tommorow is gonna bring if you dont embrace today, now this is comming from a guy who's wife doesn't know he likes to wear womens clothing. But I'm learning like you are, just on different levels...
Deep down you know you wanna be free. But freedom will never come until you take that leap of faith that you'll find your place of happiness and acceptance.

[Tracii G]

You might think you are pretty good at hiding it but I'll bet more than one person knows the truth.
My point is you may think you have everyone fooled but good chances are you don't.

[Veronica4me]

This is a forum to be supportive, not a place to try and score points off of other people and try to make them feel badly. Please be more civilized and thoughtful with your responses or don't respond at all.

Great story, Jessi, and thank you for sharing it.

[docrobbysherry]

Roni, there r a goodly number of T girls in San Diego. I just met a few at Viva Wildside. A week long T event in Vegas a few weeks ago.:drink:

Also, there is a T contingent that drives up from SD to Long Beach on T Girl Sat. nite at Mary's. They stay overnite in a motel.

Besides Viva Wildside, Diva Las Vegas is a week long T event in Vegas. U could attend one of those, dress day and nite for a week, and meet countless T girls from around the country!:hugs:

[Veronica4me]

Thank you, DocRobbySherry!

Where do they stay when they go to Mary's? I think I'm going to go try that AFTER I learn how to do my makeup better.

- - - Updated - - -

Guess what? I waited until it was almost dark last night, and Veronica just went out fully dressed in heels with a VERY BAD makeup job, got in the car, and drove a few miles around the neighborhood, including the center with the ULTA and MAC stores. When headlights shined in her face, she raised a hand in front of her face. I couldn't stop her.

After my vacation that starts next week (visiting family), I am having Veronica get a makeover!

Have a great weekend!!!

[Teresa]

Veronica,
First question what response do you really think you would get from your housemates . Is it not better to come out and tell them rather than catch you out , being the wrestler maybe be offensive rather than defensive .

I attend three support / social groups it is a great way of safely dressing and meeting other members of the TG community , even if the drive is so long you never know you could meet someone local to you and form your own group and perhaps a GNO .

As for your look well people come in all shapes and sizes , not all women have hourglass figures so you will fit in soemwhere . It's mostly to do with finding a balance and being comfortable and confident . It does take time but once you've stepped out the door a few times it does get easier . I've been surprised recently when meeting people that know me in male mode how little they recognised , OK the voice was the giveaway but by then I've been accepted more as a female than male .

The bottom line is how bad is your dysphoria and how deep is your need ?

[Ressie]

Veronica, I know what you mean about having room mates. Since my nephew moved in recently I don't have much time to dress at home. I've been to support meetings and CD events during the last 7 years so I've dressed in public. Furthermore, I haven't been able to make it to many of the monthly meetings this year. I feel very free when en femme and I miss it!

The fears you have aren't unrealistic IMO. And you have the right idea as far as getting together with other CDs. It's much easier to go out with a group of CDs than to go out solo. Although it's just a stepping stone for some. It's just a phase that you're going thru. Someday you'll have more time and more opportunities.

[alwayshave]

Veronica, there is nothing you can do about being hit on but, politely back out of the situation. I only worry about being recognized when my wife is with me. Someone would see her and the put two and two together. Look at meetup.com and see if there is a local support group.

[Cynthia T]

It is a bit of awkward, but perhaps you could go to that "top-notch store". What I have done is dressed from the shoulders down, driven to a CD- friendly place, put on wig, falsies, lipstick, etc. then walked the (short) distance to the store / museum. I was completely accepted, and it was great fun!

[Crissy 107]

Hi Veronica, I’m sorry I’m so late to this thread. We have known each other through three forums now and you are the one who told me about this wonderful site.
I believe you are overthinking it, just relax and I think a local support group would be the way to start. There has to be at least one not that far away. You will find your way for sure.
I think you have received some good advice here so just take some time and figure out your next move. Hugs, Crissy

[TheHiddenMe]

Many in our shoes overestimate the chances of being discovered or being hit on.

I just returned from 2 weeks in Italy. On two occasions, I saw two women who I believed to the TG. My four companions, all women (my wife and her three sister's) didn't notice the two at all. I have been other places a with my wife and I have seen a TG woman and she hasn't noticed them at all.

So I think most people don't notice individual people, TG or not.

In my outings, I have run across three people who know the guy me. They didn't notice or recognize me.

As to being hit on by guys, it happened once on a train (no big deal) and asked to dance (I said no thanks, because my heels were killing me; the next time--if it happens--I plan to say yes).

About a month ago, sitting at a bar with a gg friend, the (tipsy) woman next to me made a comment about my boobs. I told her (I wrongly assumed she knew i was a CD) it was a padded bra. She asked why I was wearing a padded bra, and I answered that I didn't have any boobs). She then asked why not, and I said because I'm a guy. She was in a bit of disbelief. She then asked whether I had a penis (yes), and eventually asked about my wig and lifted it up. I was amused by the whole series of events.

The following week my friend and I were back at the same bar and another woman apologized profusely for the other woman's behavior. I said I didn't mind.

I've made three GG friends from being out, and never felt at risk. There are a lot of rewards (Just ask Kandi) and few risks if you are smart about it.

YOLO. I just regret not being brave enough earlier in my life to get out.

[Karmen]

How likely is that someone you know recognise you also depends on things how well you blend in and how well you pass as a woman and where they see you. If you're walking down the busy sidewalk, is less likely they'll notice you than somewhere where you're the only person they can see. It also depends on the time they have to look at you. If you are standing in a line in front of them or riding in a same elevator they have more time and is more likely they'll notice you than if you just pass them on the street.

[Stephanie47]

Most threads are about married issues, but I want to hear from you single, en femme ladies like me, please. How do you feel about all of this?


What makes you think married guys do not have the same problems? I've been married to the same wonderful woman for nearly fifty years. Decades ago we had "The Talk." She is not accepting which I can accept. She did suggest I should seek out a support group. There was none back in the 1980's when I needed it the most. Now? There is one 35 miles away. However, my self acceptance grew and basically I do not have the psychological need to be among others. There is now a local support hang out but their ages are fifty plus years younger than me. Really nothing in common. You're trapped in a situation of dressing in a small area of your home. I'm "trapped" in an absence of free time. Really, isn't it the same thing under different circumstances.

If it is really important for you and you can afford a decent hotel room take the overnight journey. Get the built up frustrations out of your system. The inability to express oneself just builds up the angst and makes it worse. I still get periods of "I just gotta do it!" I do it and it seems to mellow me out as if I got my battery recharged. View the trip as a mental health day.

As to finding or hiding from women I cannot help you with that. Those subjects have been discussed so often here I can only say you have to take your chances. You may be satisfied with short term affairs, but, what happens if you fall head over heels for what seems to be the right woman? Do you reveal all and risk the possible negative fallout? Or do you live a life of deception? Good luck to you.

[Jodie_Lynn]

My big fears are being recognized by people I know, women I may want to date, and being hit on (or hit) by guys. This has kept me from getting a makeover, wig shopping (there's a top notch store 25 minutes from me), and going out fully dressed.

Most threads are about married issues, but I want to hear from you single, en femme ladies like me, please. How do you feel about all of this?

Please forgive me if I posted this in the wrong section, but thank you for reading about my challenges.


Divorced, living on my own with my faithful feline companion. :)

I cannot tell you how to live your life. Just three short years ago, I made that 'giant leap': I actually went out, in public, as Jodie. Since that time, my fears of being seen by people who know me have become almost zero. I've lost a couple of people because THEY couldn't handle it, but mostly, people are cool with my better half.

And you will be amazed at some of the positive responses you will get!

As for getting hit on, well hun, that goes with the territory. If you dress and act like a woman, you have to expect guys to treat you like one. If it happens and you aren't interested, a polite "no thanks" will do the trick. Will it make you uncomfortable to be an object of lust & desire? Probably, if your orientation is straight. But it may give you insight as to what GG's go through all of their lives.

As for getting hit, or assaulted, just use common sense. DON'T put yourself into dangerous situations. DO err on the side of caution. THINK like a woman does, and look for potential danger. Would a GG walk down a dark alley at night, alone? Maybe, if she were a martial arts expert.REMEMBER: you are presenting as a member of society who is typically regarded as 'weak prey' by the animals of society.

This was brought home to me one night, when a dear male friend when he escorted me to my car when I left the club we were in. As we strolled arm-in-arm down the street, I reminded him that I was an ex-NYC police officer. He laughed and asked me how many fights I had gotten into, wearing 4" heels. I had to laugh and say "none. point taken"