Not sure what to do...

[Chloe_S]

My wife and I had a chat last night. Basically she’s afraid of where the crossdressing is going. We have a little girl we don’t want exposed to it and my wife is afraid I’ll find out later in life that I’ve been repressing a homosexual side I didn’t know. That, or as I get more and more comfortable with dressing, that I’ll eventually one day want to transition. So I currently only dress up once and awhile at home, while alone. I don’t do hair or makeup. I’m trying to be happy with that, but I also sometimes want to do hair and makeup. So, for the sake of my wife and marriage, I’m trying to keep my dressing habits in check a bit. But I can’t stop completely, and yet I wish to take it further. :/ I’m just not sure what to do. Anyone been here? What did you do?

[Micki_Finn]

Sounds like you’re going to need some counseling. You can tell her you’re not gay until you’re blue in the face, but she’ll always have her doubts, but if a professional tells her you’re fine and normal it might help.

I hate the “how do I know you’re not gay?” Argument because there really isn’t a way to prove you’re not something. It makes me want to counter with “You married a man who dresses like a woman. Maybe YOU’RE repressing your lesbian tendencies”

[Kaylin]

This is a really tough spot for you right now. I been there. My wife right away freaked out and asked if I was gay etc.. she has accepted my crossdressing and she actually enjoys it now. But it wasn't easy. It takes alot of understanding and not trying to not overwhelm her with all of it. Look, if your a crossdresser and been doing this a longtime. This is something that will never go away. I tried so hard over the years to brush it under the rug. But it never worked. I started when i was 12. I am 40 now. Accepting your crossdressing for her is gonna be tough. But if she truly loves you, she will accept it over time. But don't push this on her too much. Work little by little. And I'll tell you what. Once She accepts and understands, it's a wonderful feeling. You got alot for work ahead of you sweety. I believe you will get there and good luck to you on this journey. :) counseling might be a good idea too.

[Robertacd]

Been there..

Yes it sucks but you have to decide what is more important, you or your family. Because you could lose one or the other.

If you choose yourself, you are probably going to lose your family.

But if you choose your family, you don't have to lose yourself.

I respected my wife's limits, hid it from our son when he was young, but I still underdressed, and fully dressed whenever I got the chance. Yes there were times when I was devastated and thought I couldn't go on. Over time she began to understand that this is really who I am. She admits that her biggest issue with it was herself, and it took her a long time to come to terms with what loving me as a woman means to her own sexuality. But eventually she did and I have to say she probably accepted me before I fully accepted myself.

Also I have to add that your wife's fears about transitioning are valid. When I came out to my wife 20 years ago as "just a crossdresser", I was lying to myself as much as I was lying to her.

Just a couple months ago I finally came out to my wife and, now adult son as Transgender.

I am a lesbian transwoman
She is a pansexual cis women
We are a queer couple that is able to reproduce!
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary

[Tracii G]

If you aren't gay now then chances are you aren't going to wake up one day and all of a sudden be gay.
It would be awfully hard to repress being gay if you aren't gay to begin with.
Just because you CD does not mean you are gay.
I accepted I was gay a long time ago but hid it for years. If you are gay you deff know it.

[Aunt Kelly]

"Exposed..." to what? You say that like being TG is something to be ashamed of. It is something that occurs, naturally, in a measurable percentage of the population. In other words, while it is uncommon, it is normal, so work on finding a healthier way for you and your spouse to look at this. As you say, it is not going away. But you can let go of the shame. Start there.

[docrobbysherry]

What Micki said. IN SPADES!:thumbsup:

I went to a therapist with my ex. We briefly discussed my dressing then moved on the SERIOUS PROBLEMS in our marriage!:doh:

U will both be able to express yourselves easier and more clearly in front of an impartial advisor. Your issues sound easily dealt with in just a few sessions! Try it. U have nothing to lose. Just stop going if it doesn't help. !:battingeyelashes:

[Stephanie47]

But if she truly loves you, she will accept it over time.

Don't utter those words to your wife. She may accept that you need to wear women's clothing, but, she may not accept cross dressing at all. I think if you read the vast range of reported response to cross dressing by women on this site, you'll see the range of acceptance by wives. That's from getting booted out the door (multiple times with different wives) to full acceptance and participation. I've always found the phrase "if you love me, you'd let me do it" to be a rather infantile approach to solving an issue between a husband and wife. A partner may express "I love you, but, I don't like what you're doing!"

I've read some of Ginger's prior posts. I would say all is not lost. And, I would say the feelings her wife is expressing are not unusual and the questions are valid. Yes, counseling may be beneficial for her and leads to the realization Ginger is not and probably will not be this or that, but, that does not mean Ginger's wife will or should be compelled to become a wholehearted participant.

My wife and I love each other dearly. She has her faults. I have mine. She is not interested at all in participating in my desires to wear women's clothing. She has her own moral code or expectations of her man in her marriage. Once past "The Talk" both of us accept each others viewpoints on this issue. She has enumerated those issues which will definitely lead to a divorce, and, wearing women's clothing is not on the list.

[franlee]

I can address the where it will go issue but then it would be a personal recount and no two people are the same. For me it went from a mixed up pile of emotions most of which at the time was sexually oriented fetishes and turned into a self administered therapy. I know it has aided me in control of my aggressive and vindictive nature though out my career and marriages in some cases.

Your sexuality is yours and though it may be influenced by your relationships and environment it is only going to be acted on and embraced by you. That Cding makes you Gay is total non-sense. And reminds me of a conversation my wife(2nd) and I had back in the 70's when she 1st excepted my CDing. Her sister was in the clothing business and the only outsider that knew of my dressing due to helping me buy new outfits. My wife and her sister were having their first discussion of my dressing and how it affected our relationships. My S-I-L had a very rocky marriage and her husband was 110% abusive, drunkard and *****-hopper. During the conversation a comparison of the situations they were living was made and my S-I-L assured my wife she would be very happy to except her husband CDing if it would take away the drinking and running around that started the fights. My wife told me all of this and assured me we were in a good place and that if Cding was the worst I ever did we'd be Happy forever. And she never questioned my sexuality, she knew it what it was from living with me and sharing my life openly and honestly. And it was that way for over 25 years until she passed away from a sudden illness.

There is a hard fact of life that is simple but true, Life is what you make of it. And when you are married you become 1, and I am sure everyone has their own "thing" and it just become I except your and you except mine. If a married couple can't come to odds with what is important to each other then they are cheating their spouse out of happiness and in the long run themselves from the "real" person they say they want to love and make happy. And so they go to the grave never knowing each other and having induced a certain amount of resentment in that marriage.

[Confucius]

Have you had a discussion with your wife to determine where her boundaries are? My wife was worried about my crossdressing escalating into something more serious, so I put her in charge of my crossdressing. She knew that crossdressing made me happy, but she didn't want me wearing wigs, makeup, or heels. She needed me to remain a man, even in a dress or nightgown. For several years my crossdressing was limited to sleepwear. However, over time she became more comfortable, and allowed me further liberties. I believe your wife may need to know her man is still there.

[Kaylin]

[QUOTE=Stephanie47;4374426]Don't utter those words to your wife/QUOTE]

No I agree, dont utter those words. It was apart of the paragraph to my thoughts on the situation from My own personal experience. I think what I said is true, if it was fully understood correctly. As my wife told me, "if you decided to continue to hide crossdressing. It would turn into a big issue". But we have a whole nother understanding than some others would. Being some of us come from unique backgrounds (cosplay etc). Anyways, stephanie I agree with you in many ways on your advice. And Gingers situation is quite sensitive to the topic of CDing with her wife. I feel terrible for ginger and my heart goes out to her. I hope she's able to reach an understanding with her loved one. And good luck on their journey together. And I agree. She always needs to be reminded her man is still there. That's very important! And for me and my wife, Theres a time, and place for crossdressing. But I'm always still the guy underneath she fell in love with, and married from day one. That'll never change. Sometimes i remind myself to back off on the subject of CDing. Cause I still in no way wanna make my wife uncomfortable. Even though she doesn't care now. Her feelings are very important to me. Always something to keep in mind. And one more thing, me and my wife have a kid too. I refuse to CD in front of my son. That's something that needs to stay separate for us. I needed to make in the clear as well. That was 100% my decision.

[Roxanne Lanyon]

If you aren't gay now then chances are you aren't going to wake up one day and all of a sudden be gay.
It would be awfully hard to repress being gay if you aren't gay to begin with.
Just because you CD does not mean you are gay.
I accepted I was gay a long time ago but hid it for years. If you are gay you deff know it.

Traci, you are my favorite person. I feel the same way you do. I think I am like you, and love it.
Your Roxanne

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Ginger,

My wife and I were in a similar spot (except for the small child - our respective kids are independent adults) when she first learned about my crossdressing. She had the same questions and fears as your wife and frankly I had some of the same questions as well.

What is working for us is counseling. We've been seeing a therapist for a couple of years now and we have gone from wondering if the marriage would survive to my dressing at home in a limited bit slowly expanding fashion a couple of times a week and me fully dressing at home sometimes but not in front of her yet.

This has been a slow and deliberate process and it is working for us so far.

None of this would have been possible for us without the help of a wonderful therapist.

Elizabeth

[Asew]

Yes, it is a delicate situation with a wife and kids. I am out to both and dress all the time at home and when out in neighboring towns by myself. It is not a very easy road to navigate since every situation is different. So be patient, have conversations about it, and hopefully you can figure out a way that works for everyone. And know that it takes some time for people to get used to it so the initial revision is vastly different than what it will look like down the road.

[Leelou]

I agree with those that have suggested counseling. I've heard it suggested here to find a counselor/therapist that specializes in gender issues. I believe the "experts" pretty much agree that most crossdressers are straight and don't want to transition or live as a woman full-time. I believe a counselor might give her some reassurance in this area. I first heard this from Dear Abbey way back in the '70's. You can google "Dear Abbey Crossdresser" and gets lots of examples of letters and responses that pretty much always fall along those lines. Of course that's just one example of the vast resources available in the internet.

It sounds like you're both in a agreement about not dressing in front of your daughter. That's not uncommon at all for couples where the husband is out to the wife, but they don't dress in front of the kids.

I think it's a good idea, as you mentioned, to take it slow for a while. Best wishes!

[giuseppina]

I agree with counselling, provided the counsellor is a licensed mental health practitioner or medical practitioner. Examples include psychiatrist, social worker, or your primary care physician. Your primary care physician may give you a referral to an appropriate professional. While experience with gender issues is useful, it is not absolutely essential. The main thing is the practitioner refrain from judging you and your wife. If that happens, and you were referred, it's time to ask for another referral and claim you are unable to establish a therapeutic relationship with the first person.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Ginger,

Like you my wife is not sure where my crossdressing is going to lead. How far am I going to go with it. After seeing a therapist we came to the conclusion that I an all about the clothes and do not have any desire to transition or date men. While my wife is relieved that I don't want to be a girl o sleep with men she still has her reservations on whether I would want to go out in public dressed. I don't have any desire to go out in public dressed. We agreed on some guidelines to keep my dressing in check. I think the guidelines are a good thing because it keeps me from diving down the rabbit hole.

Also when it comes to conversations about my dressing my wife will never initiate one. I think she's in denial and has admitted that if she doesn't bring it up, it will go away. I'm getting to the point where I'm afraid to bring it up. BTW my therapist also said that there is nothing wrong with crossdressing.

It's a long slow road to travel.

Robin

[BLUE ORCHID]

:hugs:, I have been dressing for 72yrs. now and we never seen any reason to burden our two daughters

now age 52 & 50 with thi program >Orchid .oO:daydreaming:Oo.

[Rachelakld]

Homosexual???
My gay friends partner found out he was gay around 47 years of age, after his kids had grown up and moved out he decided he had enough of being married and straight. There was NO crossdressing, before or after he "came out".

If we hide crossdressing from ourselves, from family, from society, we might as well make it illegal.
My kids are tolerant both by my example and by knowing other caring and decent trans people (imagine a society where whites didn't learn to mix or tolerate other skin colours or gays had to live on a secrete island).

Not sure, but Orange County is open to gays and trans? like it's not suffering an anti-gay/trans panic attack or anything?

[MonicaPVD]

Some good advice in this thread. A wife who has just learned such an intimate and complex aspect of her husband's life has every right to feel confused and concerned. You have had this forum and a million other resources to learn, explore and figure out where you stand on the spectrum of gender and sexual identity. She has not. Go slow. Be patient.

[abbiedrake]

Go slowly Ginger.
And keep the conversation alive. It may be daunting but if you can't express yourself about your desire for expression then you're on a whole new level of repression.
I'm currently stuck in a period of near abstinence while my wife deals with breast cancer. However I've made it clear that I intend to return to the subject. I also occasionally pass comment on something I might have seen here, just as a point of interest or a light conversation piece. It's just reinforces that this isn't going away. Something I clearly know, but my wife is inclined to regard it as a phase. Methinks she underestimates just what it takes for a male to CD...
Be patient.

[CD Rachel]

So many varied experiences and so much good advice given here. i had kept my dressing a secret for over 20 years after a bad reaction from my wife. The kids have grown and moved away and the dynamics of our relationship have changed. I hope and pray for you that you can navigate the difficult times and come through this happily.