dilemma

[Katie01]

Hi. I suspect others may be in the same position so I thought I see how others might deal with this problem. I’ve been dressing up for a long time but always alone. I am in a heterosexual relationship and I really wish I could “play” with my partner but she isn’t into it. My dressing has alway had a sexual nature to it. I don’t want to “cheat” on my partner. What should I do?

[docrobbysherry]

Most people do not feel self sex is "cheating" on their partner, Katie.

However, if u r referring to having sex with someone other than your "partner"? You're NOT likely to get permission for that from us here. U should get that from your partner!:straightface:

[Katie01]

Most people do not feel self sex is "cheating" on their partner, Katie.

However, if u r referring to having sex with someone other than your "partner"? You're NOT likely to get permission for that from us here. U should get that from your partner!:straightface:

Hi and thanks for the response. “Cheating” was probably the wrong term. I’m not really looking for permission. I guess I was just expressing that I am lonely by myself and I wish I could play with my partner. I’m not interested in playing with others.

[Tracii G]

I am trying to understand this soooooo your wife is not into your kink?
Do you have a sexual relationship when you are in guy mode?

[Leslie Langford]

"What should I do?" Suck it up, buttercup.

O.K., that was a rather harsh and flippant response and I apologize for that. But sadly - and as many of us here in a similar DADT situation can attest to - there is no viable solution to our dilemma rather than simply "making do" and keep on doing what we are already doing, but keeping it private. That, or else finding the courage or wherewithal to extract ourselves from an unfulfilling relationship...either by us making that difficult decision by ourselves or else having our unaccepting partner or SO make it for us.

Just as we cannot simply wish away our need to crossdress, there are also very few stories here of partners or SO's finally "coming around" to accepting (and maybe even participating in) our crossdressing. Sure, there may be GG's out there who are into this sort of thing because they are non-judgemental free spirits by nature with a kinky predisposition or else are bi- and enjoy the thought of having the best of both worlds, but they are the exception. And whereas some otherwise hetero cis-GG's might also be supportive of our lifestyle in principle from an inclusivity standpoint, when it hits too close to home and involves a partner or family family member, often the answer is "not so much", and it's NIMBY ("Not In My Backyard") all the way.

Them's the cold, hard facts, Katie, and you need to decide for yourself how you can best deal with them. As for the odds of your partner changing her POV on this subject, sadly, they range somewhere between "zero" and "nil"

[Robertacd]

There is no magic bullet that is going to make an unaccepting partner suddenly accept this.

Communication is the key, maybe she will indulge you occasionally maybe not.

[Katie01]

Thanks Leslie. I Know what you say is true. My former GG GF was very accepting but she saw it as costumes. For me it has always been more complicated than that. Oh well.

[Stephanie47]

I went back to read your prior postings. One thing I do not like about posts is the term "SO." Is it a wife and which wife? Or is current or ancient girl friends? Anyway, I believe the majority of women in a relationship with a man do not want their cross dressing men carrying cross dressing into the bed. Your prior posts suggest this is the case. If she does not want it in the bedroom do not pressure her into it.

If "cheating" is another term for self gratification/self pleasuring go ahead and engage in it. If you're hung up on the belief masturbation is sinful behavior or something a man should not do if in a relationship, you're in a minority. Do some research on the internet. There are surveys/polls that indicate self pleasuring by men and women, single or married/in a relationship is a common activity. If you want to be en femme and masturbate during your private time it is not "cheating." I hop your girlfriend does not believe the use of your penis is solely for her use and pleasure. That would be a different issue.

[Majella St Gerard]

Don't cheat on your partner, if you need to be told that then you shouldn't be in s relationship.

[Jodie_Lynn]

I am in a heterosexual relationship and I really wish I could “play” with my partner but she isn’t into it. My dressing has alway had a sexual nature to it. I don’t want to “cheat” on my partner. What should I do?
You don't state whether your partner is your wife, or a girlfriend.

Not that it makes any difference in my response, which is: YOU are in a RELATIONSHIP with another thinking, feeling, human being. A RELATIONSHIP is more than just your desires, if you really care for your partner.

This isn't a "problem" if you truly love and care for your partner's wellbeing. And why did you put cheat in quotation marks? Are you trying to find a way to make it not infidelity, if it's your 'girl side' that steps out of the relationship?

"Oh NO, babe! I would never cheat on you, but that biotch Katie? SHE'S the one who cheated, not me!"

If you are looking for tips on how to blindside your partner, you've come to the wrong church.

IF, however, you are looking for ways to satisfy this itch of yours, might I suggest fictionmania.com or literotica.com, mixed with your imagination, and your hand, and a liberal dose of lubricant.

[JeanTG]

If you want to be en femme and masturbate during your private time it is not "cheating."

I think some wives don't see it that way. I don't dress to self-gratify, it's something deeper than that, but just the same my wife very much sees my femme side as "the other woman". No amount of explaining that it's the same person in a different wrapper gets through. And she can be quite histrionic about it. It's cost me my sex life, as I too refuse to cheat. And my therapist told me that this is a common reaction in wives of crossdressers, they see the femme side of their husbands as "the other woman".

The only thing my wife ever tolerated in bed was panties. I tried wearing a nightgown to bed sometimes but that launched another crisis.

[Judy-Somthing]

Cd-ing has nothing to do with cheating! Mot people , man and women will sexually satisfy themselves if not getting what they want from their partner.

[Lux]

Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the phrase “GGG”
”GGG is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to represent the qualities that he thinks makes a good sexual partner. GGG stands for "good, giving, and game." Think "good in bed," "giving of equal time and equal pleasure," and "game for anything—within reason."

To make this happen you need a partner that is 1) good with communication, 2) open minded and 3) expects the same from you as their partner. Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. :)

Communication is probably what I’m most proud of in my relationship with my wife. I am also very cognizant of her feelings and what she needs from me. I also try to keep the ‘pink fog’ from getting the better of me when it comes around and try not to be too selfish when it strikes.

[char GG]

I am in a heterosexual relationship and I really wish I could “play” with my partner but she isn’t into it. My dressing has alway had a sexual nature to it. I don’t want to “cheat” on my partner. What should I do?

I can only reiterate what you should NOT do and what others also said: Don't cheat. If your SO isn't turned on by "playing" with her partner who is dressed like a woman, you can't change her feelings.

Enjoy each other as a couple, that is probably why she is with you in the first place.

[Teresa]

Katie,
You obviously had the same problem as me , I had GFs who were OK with dressing and sex , so I entered marriage assuming all GGs were the same . OK the saying is, "we made our beds now we must lie in them" , so I got it wrong . I admit I cheated before I married but never did after but I knew I was alone with the dressing / sex issue . As it turned out my wife wanted children but wasn't keen on the sex , maybe we should have been more honest with each other before we married .

After 44 years I'm now separated and thankfully it's all in balance now .

[abbiedrake]

What Stephanie and Jodie said.

And also Teresa. Her story speaks to how basic incompatiblilies are irreconcilable. That message finally sunk into my thick skull after 6 years with my practice wife.

My current wife, Wifeling GG, and I were as brutally open and honest as we knew how at the time. That's a fine foundation, but as others have said ongoing communication is key. I only came to terms with being a CD after 19 years with Wifeling. That's still, nearly two years in, a source of ongoing negotiation but she was emphatic in communicating to me that me in women's clothes is an utter turnoff. That led me to making sure all Abbie's stuff was out of our bedroom and to ensure she knows when she's got 'just Chris'. Slipping her hand down the back of my jeans to find knickers did not to passionate lovemaking lead...

But my respect for that and my own ongoing communication is helping her see that my CDing is not a passing phase and as we feel out the boundaries together she becomes less ill at ease. Not fine with it, but she's less hostile than once.

You say that your own dressing has always had a sexual nature to it. Is it purely sexual? If it is then we can only suggest continuing in the same vein. Some measure of unrequited sexual release needn't be the death knell of a relationship. I'd suggest taking more pleasure in the forms of sexual pleasure you are able to indulge, be that knocking one out on your own while dressed or vanilla sex with your SO, Whatever. Life, sadly, is rife with these little disappointments. But that's why we should take pleasure in the things we do have.

If it goes from an expression of 'I wish she would...' disappointment (mild lament to friends like us who might share some of your frustration) into dysfunction or obsession (you can't function sexually or it becomes resentment at your SO) then you will need professional help or to get out of the relationship.