Feeling guilty

[Nicole Bernard]

I used to feel really guilty and shameful after I dressed. I would get dressed up, satisfy myself sexually, then rip everything off as fast as I could.

I could not get undressed and wash off my makeup fast enough.

Then one day I said to myself "Who does this hurt? I'm just in my own home, doing this for me. "

I'm not stamping out anyone's freedom. I'm not causing damage to anyone or their property.

This activity is innocent.

My feelings have changed so much since then.

I don't take an hour to get all dressed up to then take it all off five minutes later.

I take my time and enjoy the experience. I enjoy putting everything on. I take some pics. I do stuff around the house.

I love doing housework while dressed! Not because of some outdated notion that women do the housework. But because I can be me while doing it and spend as much time as I can en femme.

I hope others can find that reason that gives them a sense of calmness and soothes their guilt so they can enjoy their "me" time.

[Tracii G]

So glad you came to this understanding.
You are not hurting anyone.
Never felt guilty about any of this myself but know some people do.

[RADER]

Nicole:
You are not alone in some of your feelings. Years ago, I did much the same as you.
Now I get dressed, no make-up or wig, and I can not walk in heals, but I ma dressed
with my Bra, Panties, long leg Pantie Girdle, a nice dress or a skirt and top,and my house slippers.
I will stay all day like this, yes the urge to satisfy is still there, but I overcome that urge
by just enjoying the feel of what you are wearing.
I have gone out to pick up the mail, My car is in the Garage, I get in the car, open the Garage
door, drive down to the Mail box and get my mail, and return.
You have nothing to be ashamed about. You are just acting on your desires.
Rader

[Helen_Highwater]

Nicole,

Self acceptance is perhaps the greatest hurdle that many here have to overcome. As you say your not hurting anyone else if fact denying yourself the time to be you hurts one person, you.

That realisation is a step change. Your opportunity to move forward and embrace the real you. The best of luck in your journey.

[Crissy 107]

Nicole, Besides reading your initial post in this thread I just read your bio. Wow, is what I can say. I think one of the best things you have done is to join us here. You have done nothing wrong, this is something that we are born with, I really believe that.
I am happy to see you have come as far as you have, we are here to help, we really are like a big family.

[franlee]

You sound as if you are rewriting my biography with changed dates and name. I experienced much of the same even with a participating GF/Wife. But soon learned it was a positive action for me to maintain my easy going attitude through out my life and career. I just seem to have got a grip on it at a younger age than you. (read your "about me")

[NancyJ]

Nicole, Guilt and shame are powerful emotions. We’ve been taught that it is wrong to want to wear “girly” things and this belief is reinforced by widespread misunderstanding and hate directed towards the entire trans community (the whole bathroom scare, for example). Then, when certain feminine items or crossdressing is sexualized, it often adds to the shame if we’ve been raised to believe that sexual pleasure and/or masturbation is wrong (neither is, btw, IMO).

Wearing women’s clothing (if you are a genetic male) or makeup is NOT WRONG or shameful. I used to have these quick sessions with myself because it was the only way I knew to relieve my gender dysphoria. It was like opening a valve to let the pressure blow (both literally and figuratively). The dysphoria would remit for a few hours, but it was replaced with shame (which was worse). Like you describe, I’ve learned to cherish my “Nancy” time. Even though “she” is in the closet, I’ve really been working at accepting her as part of me and overcoming “old” shame that I carry about her. As I’ve done so, I’ve experienced less and less sexual arousal associated with dressing and increased calmness. Sounds like you are figuring it out! Nancy

[docrobbysherry]

Nicole, when I began dressing out of the blue in my 50's? I thot it was silly and childish!

But, the turn on and sex made me feel very guilty!:thumbsdn:

I was separated then. Now, I'm divorced and the guilt is long gone! At age 76 I think ANY and ALL consenting sex is a good thing!:devil:

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Nicole,

There is nothing wrong with crossdressing. Nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. No reason to be guilty.

Hugs,
Robin

[kimdl93]

I know all about the grief and shame. And I have heard and said 1000 times that its not hurting anyone, or as my psychologist said, “its not a crime, you know’. For all of that, I’m not truly free of guilt or the shame.

for me, these emotions come in cycles. I feel at home, at peace and resolved to accept myself, and then that sense of being ok erodes. And at some point, I have to rebuild my sense of self acceptance again.

[Nicole Bernard]

Thank you all. I feel so loved and uplifted right now.

Crissy, thank you for saying that about my bio. Sometimes it feels good just knowing that someone understands.

[Alice Torn]

kim, You said it for me, too. Though i am accepting this side of me, there still is some self loathing now and then.

[Cheshire girl]

Just be honest with yourself and do what makes you feel good. Unless you are hurting others somehow just enjoy it. Life is too short to deny yourself harmless pleasures.

[GretchenM]

Nicole,

This sequence of emotional reactions and behavior is very common in CD and TG people. The behavior often starts as something innocent that then leads to sexual relief. The good feelings of sexual relief can quickly become a reason to dress - somewhat habitual. This, in turn, often leads to feelings of shame and its related effects. In time, though, the sexual part often begins to fade, but the feelings of shame still persist because of the prior conditioning of what socially is often considered an inappropriate form of sexual satisfaction. It is not. The fact is, masturbation is commonly found in many mammals, especially primates and humans but also dogs, cats and many others. So, in short, when the sexual aspect begins to fade it is thought that you are returning to the original motivation which is a gender variation that you were born with or developed as a result of a predispositon to identify, continuously or intermittently, with the opposite gender/sex. That is basically the definition of transgenderism. It comes in a seemingly infinite array of variations, but all TG people are linked by certain specific behaviors that are common to virtually all TG people.

The shame though can become chronic and cause all kinds of other problems. The solution to that is, as others have said, to accept that the behavior is an important part of who you are. It appears to me that you may be transitioning from the sexually driven form to a more fundamental behavioral form in your journey. No need to be ashamed of it, in spite of what some think, but it is also important to be socially presentable in the expression to avoid harsh criticism and prejudice that can bring back the shame and cause a lot of other problems for yourself. Be yourself but be sensible and most people will at least tolerate you with many accepting you as the person you are.

Gretchen

[Cheryl T]

I'm sure that most of us (I know I did) experience something like you did.
The fascination and forbidden aspect, the thrill, then the guilt and shame were all facets of the same diamond.
I know others that have been dressing for decades and still beat themselves up. One close friend has the mantra "What are you doing, you're a Dude". Yet we know that it's not that simple.
Purges and promises seem to always give way to this expression.

It took a long time for me to move past that and accept myself. Now I no longer feel those weighty emotions, only the peace of expressing my inner self.

[il.dso]

I'm 58 years old, been crossdressing for over 50 years and many of the struggles and challenges remain...
Remarkably, I derive even more joy, pleasure and anxiety reduction from crossdressing as the years go by...
Overall, it's such an essential part of my existence that I'm grateful for it and it's incredible to have this website to
share our issues and triumphs.
Good luck with it all and know that you are not alone.

[Angela Marie]

i began dressing, albeit partially, at an early age by wearing my mothers tights. I did not progress to full dressing until my late 40's, early 50's. The shame and guilt that you describe is, I think, common to most if not all of us. After I began dressing fully and going out someone made a comment to me. The guilt and shame returned and I purged for the second time. About a year ago I started again. Although the societal attitudes are not as restrictive as before they are still present and I have to fight the guilt feelings. But I am now, more than ever, comfortable in my beliefs that this is an integral part of me, I have no desire to change, and I truly enjoy allowing my feminine side to present itself. My dressing does not define me any more than any other facet of one's personality. Loving my family and friends, how I treat others, and living a good and productive life, is much more consequential to my worth as a human being than slipping on a pair of pantyhose and applying makeup.

[Angie G]

I have never felt guilty for dressing. After all this is who I an only my wife knows and even helps me be me every day it doesn't hurt her . I think she enjoys it a little. :hugs:
Angie

[Teresa]

Nicole,
Very much par for the course !

When it's more associated with sex I feel the guilt comes from the motivation and the need for the sex rather than the dressing .

To me it's partly to do with the AGP issue , seeing what's in the mirror , viewing yourself as a woman and being excited by it . Despite what other's think AGP is not all about the sexual issue , loving oneself as a woman is part of it and also being seen and accepted as a woman .

I know it's still part of me but now I'm full time I've found a balance , I haven't got the time to take hours over the makeup and dressing , somedays I have to be showered , shaved, applied my makeup and dressed , then have my breakfast and walk the dog in just over an hour . Thankfully the feeling of guilt is long gone , I don't have to consider " ME time " as I'm Teresa all the time .

[jacques]

hello Nicole,
I think many of us who started dressing at young age have similar feelings and a similar biography.
I hope that society is becoming more tolerant and that young crossdressers can realise that they are not freaks but just normal human beings, at an earlier age than we did.
luv J

[Stephanie47]

I am considerably older than you. When I was a teenager (1960's) there was not too much information out there on cross dressing. Society dictated normal or expected behavior of men and women. Cross dressing was deemed to be abnormal. Cross dresser were seen to be homosexuals, although the terminology for rather vile. That caused a lot of confusion. I felt exactly the same way. I was into self loathing. There was no internet. I was totally alone and unto myself. It took a lot of self therapy. I did that self analysis and weighed my accomplishments. The scales dipped heavily to the side of societal norms and expectations met. There was this tiny quirk....wearing women's clothing on occasion.

I am at peace with myself. Although I am in a DADT marriage my wife does not make any comments or snide remarks. Total ostrich. For me it is all a private "thing." When I do get the opportunity to be en femme I go about my in-home chores. Housework is not women's work. Not all women are June Cleaver or Harriet Nelson. If you do not want to live in a pig's sty, then you have to clean the domicile. If you don't want to starve to death or eat all meals in a restaurant, then you have to learn to cook.

[suzy1]

You are doing nothing wrong.....it's as simple as that.
For me crossdressing is the icing on the cake of life.

[Maid_Marion]

I find that at least where I live, I can do a non binary presentation with some obviously women's clothes and be treated well in stores and restaurants.

I went to the mall today with my little black bag to get my free VS panty and a buy a knit top at Forever 21.
The lady at the Kiosk wanted to sell me some conditioner for my hair. I froze for a while and then said no thanks to the offer. It is already that long.

I went to a pizza place for lunch and got some ice cream and frozen lunches from the grocery store on the way home. The cashier took the time to wipe some ice cream
off the outside of the boxes and put them in a thin plastic bag so it wouldn't soil my reusable bag.

A crop top and short shorts do make our hot and humid weather so much more comfortable, if you have the figure to wear them.

[alwayshave]

Nicole, when I was younger I felt guilty when the dressing was mostly sexual. At this point in my life, I enjoy dressing, don't end it prematurely by making it sexual. I never feel guilty because I have accepted my dressing as part of me.

[CynthiaD]

In my experience, the feelings you have right after "the moment" are temporary and not indicative of your true feelings about things.

I've also found that crossdressing can invoke an intense emotional response that feels almost sexual. It's easy to interpret these feelings as sexual, but they really aren't. It's more a feeling of having found your true self after years of being lost in the wilderness. Enjoy these feelings. You've earned them.

[Micki_Finn]

Sounds like you’re on a pretty normal development arc. For a lot of the girls here, this all started as a sexual thing, but then progressed into something else. For some it will only ever be about the sexual excitement, and if that’s you’re thing, there’s nothing wrong with that. Many girls however move past that to find that dressing is more mentally and emotionally gratifying than sexual. Just two different paths. The next thing you can probably expect is a drive to perfect your presentation and a desire to be out in public, or at least be dressed around other people.

[Jaycie]

I shared similar experience when I started dressing. I've now come to appreciate when I have more / longer time to stay dressed.

[abbiedrake]

As many here have observed you're far from alone, Nicole. I have only a little of my own to add.

I left my feeling of guilt, about many things, when I shed my faith. I'm not saying I blame my religion for the straitjackets I wore but nor was it freeing. I started to trust my own instincts. I have always been an iconoclast and I finally gave myself, at the age of 27, permission and enough trust to take responsibility. I no longer bow to any idea I test and find wanting. This has its costs. I've had to cut a great many personal relationships because of no longer allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

So it was with crossdressing. I found the gendering of clothing and the rigidity of gender presentation utterly nonsensical. So I rejected it. I feel no guilt. I allow little to no societal restraint to my expression. However, I do respect my wife's wishes. And while I still refuse to feel guilt I'm not so insensitive as to ride roughshod over beliefs she an not so easily divest herself of, as I once did.

Mutual respect must be the byword for human coexistence. And that's inconsistent with the lack of self-respect that our guilt implies. If what we do if not injurious to others we should feel just fine about it.

I hope that you can find that peace, Nicole, cos there are plenty of people in this world who will happily curtail our dignity without us doing it to ourselves.

[Asew]

I agree this seems like a normal path. I had a lot of guilt and shame initially about my dressing and it wasn't until I realized that this was part of who I am that I could accept this and move on from the guilt and shame. I find wearing heels around the house is only worth it if I am doing something standing such as housework, so I can totally understand the desire to dress up and clean and not being sexist.

[Leelou]

This is an interesting thread, Nicole, thanks for posting it. I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses. I've never had any guilt feelings about my crossdressing. To me, the guilt feelings after masturbation are a separate issue than the crossdressing. Fortunately, any guilt after release for me was minimal and easily dealt with. Even back in the '70's, when it came to sex ed, most teens had heard some version of "You don't need to feel guilty. Masturbation is normal and so are the guilt feelings--so try not to feel guilty." That worked for me.

I've never really experienced the taking off the girl clothes after release. Some of my fondest early memories from my crossdressing life was getting my first pair of panties. I loved to wear them for hours and hours. Sleep in them. It's wasn't just about wearing them for sexual release--even though there obviously was some of that. :o

[Ginni]

It is as if there are two of me in my body, male and female. The male is dominant, but the female likes to come out. Sometimes I will get fully dressed and the male in me takes over and I need to get undressed. Other times I remain dressed for hours it feels very natural and go about my life doing things I normally do but as a woman. At times my male side will be sexually aroused by my female side or the other way around. It is if there are two of me and it is the best and the worst.

[soyangela]

Nicole,

I know what you mean. Nancy said something to the effect that we have been trained that this is bad. That "training" is ingrained and difficult to get rid of. I'm just working this out. I did the same thing, dress feel aroused then the release and then the "OH SHIT" what am I doing. The girl inside me needs to come out. I don't know if I will have the courage like the other ladies here to come out of the closet completely.. maybe a little peek outside. But I am going to continue this journey where ever it may take me.

[Rachel05]

Isn't it a wonderful place to be when you find that inner peace and learn to love and embrace who you are rather than the guilt and the other feelings that go along with it, I used to suffer the same in my teen years, they were tough times

But now, many years have passed and that lovely inner peace that I am feeling being me, dressed in some lovely clothes, feeling nice and feminine and as you say, who does it hurt

Glad you found your peace and enjoy your "me time"

[LilSissyStevie]

One thing to consider is a phenomenon called "Post Coital Dysphoria." It's caused by a hormonal crash after orgasm. When I was younger I experienced this all the time even when having vanilla sex with a partner. At the time I interpreted it as shame but I couldn't really think of a reason to be "that" ashamed. As I got older that feeling gradually went away. Now, I'm shameless.

[JuliaGirl]

Now, I'm shameless.
That one made me giggle. If found pretty much the same thing ... felt a bit shameful in my teens, now it feels wonderful dressing.

[Devone]

Don't feel guilty about dressing and how it makes you feel , wether it makes you want to release your self or not. It's different for each girl.Don't deny your self what feels right and is pleasurable, in the long run it's healthier! Devone

[Kelly-o]

I went through the exact same guilt and regret as well. I can remember the almost panic while trying to remove make-up and change out of my clothes. It took time but now I am quite comfortable with myself dressed up or not. A lot of the things that I once feared no longer bother me. I was once so afraid to go into a store and buy a bra. Now I walk in like nothing stand in line don't hide it and walk out like nothing. Maybe once we have enough experience things work themselves out and we just gain self acceptance and peace. But maybe I have no clue what I am talking. LOL

[Pumped]

I never felt guilt or shame about dressing, but was nervous about what my wife would think when she found out, and I believe they will eventually. My wife was just hurt that I did not talk to her about it and hid it.

[Nicole79]

I still feel guilty after I CD. I hope that feeling subsides at some point.

[Micki_Finn]

Nicole, I understand you’re married and closeted. I’d be willing to bet that a good chunk of your guilt comes from not being able to be open and honest with her.

[Nicole79]

Hi Micki, you could be right. The thought of telling her makes me physically nauseous. Beautiful profile pic btw.