Keeping “The Closet” door locked

[NancyJ]

I’ll bet the vast majority of us are “in the closet.” We keep our crossdressing, underdressing, and gender identity to ourselves — a closely guarded secret. For those of us who are married, usually our wives know (with widely varying degrees of acceptance), but almost always no one else knows. That, to me, is part of why connecting and communicating on forums like this one are important.

But, I’ve often considered telling someone else — someone in my day-to-day life, some one close to me. Each time I’ve considered this it has been because I was feeling isolated, or lonely, or maybe even just the pressure of keeping the secret was getting to me. And each time I’ve considered telling someone I’ve found multiple reasons not to do so, most of all, not wanting to burden them with having to carry a secret of mine that they didn’t ask for. They then would have a secret of mine that they couldn’t tell anyone.

Plus, I knew that I couldn’t predict how anyone would handle it. I’ve ended up concluding that my wanting to share my secret is selfish — that it really would not benefit, for example, my sister, for her to know, or even a close male friend. I think it would (or could) alter our relationship in unpredictable ways that really does not benefit them and would only benefit me if they embraced my “gender issues” and offered support and understanding — but would they?

So, I stay in the closet. It is lonely in here, but safer. I realize that I have been more forthcoming (about this) with SAs at DressBarn and Soma than I have been with my best friends. Anybody have success with voluntarily (not being “outed”) venturing out of the closet? Nancy

[Tracii G]

You do have to weigh the pro and cons of telling people. Why do they need to know in the first place?
When meeting new people there is no need to hide it so be up front and open about it.
Some may find it interesting and some may not just the luck of the draw.

[GretchenM]

Hi Nancy,
In my experience, staying in the closet is a mixed bag. You are quite correct in your views on the matter in that it is a safe way to go. I was that way for a long time and am still very cautious.

On the other hand, I also found sharing it with carefully selected others provided a great relief of the stresses from having to keep the "double life" a secret. All but one of my selected people have been very accepting, but supportive to various degrees. I was not wise about one I told, an old high school friend from longer ago than I care to mention, and that did not go well at all. He is pretty misogynistic and I should have considered that. The friendship ended. But that is the only calamity. The important thing is to have a reason why you want to share this with someone else rather than just sharing it to do so or to see the reaction or some such shallow reason. It can be viewed as an act of trust in them and end up being complementary to them that you shared it.

Follow your heart and continue to feel the way you do if you wish, but, on the other hand, don't rule out telling someone who you really trust. It is a hard decision, but the fact is, more often than not, it turns out to be a lot more joyful than you might expect. Just be careful to not impose it on them; just keep it factual and don't drop it out of the blue. If the talk is leaning in that direction and there is an opening and you feel good about the person, go ahead and spill the beans. Sometimes you find out that they suspected that all along and it is no surprise. Many people are a whole lot more perceptive of our inner selves than we think. Some of your friends may already figured it out.
Gretchen

[Linda Leigh]

Nancy,

I agree with you as I am in the same situation.

[Cynthia_0101]

I did let it slip once to a co-worker.

I had worked with her for almost 6 years at that point and we were both pretty upfront with each other about other things that were going on in our lives. She had let me in on the details of her past because it kind of mirrored what was going on with my wife. I had contemplated telling her on occasions before but could never just bring myself to blurt it out. Then about 5 years ago I was super stressed out while my wife was in the hospital and it just kinda ended up coming out. I was freaked but she handled it like a true friend and just told me "Everyone deserves to be pretty"

After that, she was great at giving me advice and was super helpful. It turned out OK but the same can not be said for all situations. I would tread with caution.

Cynthia

[Judy-Somthing]

When I was in my teens all my friends new I liked to cross-dress.
We would would get together and three or four of us would dress up.
Sometimes girls would help with makeup.

At about the age of 19 the cross-dressing with friends stopped and I went into the Closet.

I had one friend who never never cross-dressed but knew I cross-dressed.
For about the next five years I would show him dresses I bought, then one day when he said "your really a strange person"
After that I never talked about cross-dressing with him.

[Kendra Sue]

What you said pretty much reflects my life. I am in the closet and will stay there. It is a private matter. My spouse knows but it is DADT.

[Taylor186]

Nancy you sum up well where I'm at closet-wise, only luckily, I don't feel the least bit lonely about it. [I will add that I am a CD with seemingly no gender dysphoria.]

Fifteen years ago or so I joined a CD social/support group where I found meeting other like minded CDs and TGs and their partners beneficial to my journey. Four years later I left the group much happier and wiser. Groups are hard to find these days but if you locate one nearby you might consider giving them a try.

[Teresa]

Nancy,
There are no rules in the TG World , we are individuals , your needs are different to mine as they are with other members on this forum .

Being in the closet to some is a safe haven , a secret possibly comfortable World . To me it was like solitary confinement , through various circumstances my head felt like exploding in my forties , I just had to let go and tell the nearest person who happened to be my wife . From that point on the floodgates had opened , a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders . I then went from totally hidden in the closet to a solid wall of DADT so I wasn't much better off . The continuous feeling of suppression and also being unloved lead to me nearly ending my life , counselling had to happen twenty years on from that I'm now full time as Teresa.

The bottom line is how bad is your dysphoria , how deep are your needs to move into the RW living more as a woman ? To feel that way and suppress it in the closet is almost mental cruelty to some people , denying your own feelings and needs to appease others is unacceptable , stopping a person being true to themsleves is wrong . I know we often question who is being the selfish one but I know I'm now the rounded person I always should have been by coming out , telling people has cost me very little but gained me so much .

Other people live with problems we may never know about but we know being TG is more common than we think , coming out to people often opens the door for them to open up to us , it has happened on numerous occasions for me . It's not a human frailty, we do need to talk , that's why we have so many counsellors .

Try and lose the guilt , the selfish feelings and consider yourself , accept yourself and your needs and be honest about it , the World does not end .

[Sallee]

I like to say I am n the closet but the door is open So if any one looks in they can see and I'll let them know and talk about it. The truth is not many people look in. I have told a few family members and some select female friends. Most don't care and don't push the issue or ask to many questions after about 10 min. Some want to go out with me, but most don't care.

[Angela Marie]

My wife is really the only one who knows. Would I like to tell others? Yes!! But what purpose would it serve and what would be the consequences? You have to weigh all variables before embarking on a risky course.

[Stephanie47]

My wife is the only person who I can confirm knows of my desires to wear women's clothing. Once she said she had noticed I had not totally removed some eye makeup (eagle eye she is) but did not say anything art the time. So, she knows there is a little more to it than just putting on a slip. I believe she does not know the extent of my wardrobe. I would gladly share it with her, but, alas, that is not going to happen. Really deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She did say one time the hardest part of "our secret" is not having anyone to talk to about it. She said that decades ago when our cross-dressing life was turbulent. She did say she may have said something to her close female cousin way back then. Maybe, is not a confirmation. If she did spill the beans it is not evident from my interactions with her cousin, who incidentally will be staying with us for ten days starting this week.

I do agree "outing" oneself may have an unpredictable outcome. I really cannot remember having a conversation with anyone about cross-dressing. Is cross-dressing part of a normal day to day conversation? The issue of transgender rights does come up within the context of news; bathroom bills, etc. The issue of a man cross-dressing just does not fit into day to day conversation. So, what will happen if I spring this knowledge onto someone? Do I ask them to not to tell anyone else? Haven't I put a burden onto him or her? I'd really be concerned about the outcome of asking secrecy from a guy. Wouldn't he wonder why I was asking for his secrecy? I could image what would be going through his mind? Of course, from reading years of posts on this forum there seems to be a good chance friendships may cool. The outcome may put the man into a worse situation.....isolated.

If I develop the need to engage with fellows humans attired as a woman I would seek out a support group.

[susan54]

I am a very self-contained and happy person and do not NEED to tell anyone. A couple of exes knew about it but not the extent of it. I personally do not have any need for groups or meet-ups but understand that others do. Though I am in the closet because of possible impact on the perception of my work (the job itself would be safe and I work for very 'woke' people) a couple of women know both the real me and Susan. In fact I have a good GG friend whom I met when dressed as a woman at a fashion show. I value their feedback on my outfits. Recently I met a new woman and we seemed to hit it off - only time will tell if it comes to anything. Then I would have the challenge of telling her. Keeping it secret from her would not be on the agenda. Though I have excuses for my shaved legs and armpits (they are even true) I would not want to appear to lie about this. So I suppose I am about 90% in the closet. It works for me and I am able to spend most of my free time in a dress - a complete outfit below the neck plus earrings, and I sleep in a nightdress. I think honesty in relationships is important but I do not try to advise others on this. Each of lives an individual life and we represent a very wide range of reasons for dressing so what works for one may not work for anyone else.

[Micki_Finn]

I think there’s a lot more of us out of the closet than you might think. I’m so far out, I’m out loud.

I understand that it’s scary, but it’s only as scary as you want it to be. Sure you might lose some friends or family by coming out, but if they can’t support you, do you really need them? But I make no judgements about those who choose to stay in the closet. If their life balance works that way, then that’s great for them.

[jacques]

hello Nancy,
I prefer to think of my dressing as "private" rather than "secret".
We are not doing anything wrong and we are entitled to a private life.
Similarly - when I go to the toilet I don't feel the need to tell others, I prefer my toilet preferences to remain in the closet .... ooops. perhaps that is not such a good analogy!
luv J

[Jenny22]

Jacques, It's OK if it's a Water closet.

[Bobbi46]

I like the humour somebody has been following my examples!!! LoL

[Pumped]

In my opinion, if you tell one person, you better be ready to "come out" You never know how that one persona will handle it. Anywhere from acceptance and keeping your secret, to loosing a friend and the word gets out.

[RADER]

My Wife was the only one who knew about my dressing. We talked about it many times, and we agreed not
to go out of he house dressed. It would embarrass her, and I did not want to do that. We did have fun dressing,
She would order outfits and dress me up on occasions.
My Wife said, Society is just not ready for a man in a dress.
Rader

[Jaycie]

I sometimes wonder if I'd be more open if I was single, or lived elsewhere, or had a different job. While I'm TOTALLY in the closet, when I do have the opportunity to venture out, I'm sooo nervous, but also find it exciting, to have the friendly conversations with staff at stores and especially getting my nails done. A very small and very separate group of people know my feminine side.

[Helen_Highwater]

Nancy,

In the closet to all and while there are obvious advantages to be out to your SO, if the big reveal goes badly there's so much to loose.

In some ways being in the closet has certain advantages. If I were fully out, leaving the house enfemme it would alter the dynamic with my neighbours. I'd have a label, the bloke at No 7 who dresses up. While I'd hope everyone would remain civil and engaging, it's not a genie that can be put back in it's bottle.

As for friends, I don't think I'd be shunned but again the dynamic would change and as it stands I like the current dynamic.

The one thing being in the closet stops me doing is getting out and about as often as I'd like. That said as I'd prefer the neighbours not to know, I'd still dress away from home and the logistics and to some extend the costs involved would be a limiting factor anyway.

So ideally being out to my SO would undoubtedly make things simpler but before I make that voluntary leap or get caught dressing I'll live with the status quo.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Nancy,

Besides everyone here, there are three people who know about my dressing, my wife, therapist and the SA at Lane Bryant. There are a couple of close friends who I would like to share my secret with but now is not the right time for me. I feel it's easier to tell a total stranger than people you care about. While I am in the closet the door does have a tiny crack in it. I do have a couple of tells if you look close enough. So far no one has questioned me about them.

Robin

[Teresa]

Helen,
I don't have the neighbour problem as I no longer have to consider my wife . It's still a mixed bag for me , my neighbours are still friendly but two out of the three will only speak when I'm in male mode . The lady on my left is a sweetie , we chat for hours . The surrounding neighbourhood obvioulsy know as I come and go and they see me gardening . What they choose to say about me is up to them but most will give me a wave as they drive by , I'm not going to deny my happiness for the odd stray comment .

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

I'm trying to think of who one could possibly come out to that isn't somehow six degrees of separation from everyone else you know.

On a couple recent flights I watched a makeover video and a 'Say Yes to the Frock' show, that's as close as coming out of the closet I've come to anyone not on a site like this or someone selling me something.

[Crissy 107]

What they choose to say about me is up to them but most will give me a wave as they drive by
Teresa, A hi and bye wave from neighbors is fine and if they choose to not get to actually know you it is their loss.

[Lacey New]

Nancy,
I’m in the same boat that you are. I have too much reputation baggage to risk blowing it all up by revealing my cross dressing. And yes, it is frustrating, but this forum is great because there are others here who share and understand our dilemma. Hang in there.

[Dutchess]

I had both extremes in my life for many years and I can tell you the one who was totally out was the far better relationship .
I'd always preferred androgynous men though all of my life so I am sure I gravitated in that direction but still . Many here remember the crazy episodes with my former husband who's exile to the closet was totally self imposed . I merely watched in amazement at the level of shame he had for himself and refusal to make any sort of progress or even PEACE with himself . He would get aggressive if he even perceived that he could be found out . Aggressive if he had to do something that cut into home dressing . Once a maintenance man came in the door with plenty of advanced notice and he knocked me down and stepped on me trying to get away from him . It actually drove me away first to my late TG partner then on my own . I do not miss him at all . The older he got the meaner , more bitter he got.
Unless it truly interferes with making your living , I hate to see people so pent up like that . If you will lose your livelihood over it then I can understand your hesitation . I also know there are many that just like to dress who don't WANT to go any farther and that is fine .
My late partner was always 100% out and simply did not care. NO hostility and alot of love . Life is so short .

[Georgina]

My closet is my house and yard. In my work I am dealing with customers for long hours so when I am off work I am happy to be alone. I do not feel lonely and dressing keeps me calm.

[kimdl93]

I’ve had to mull this one over. Here’s my take on it. I have tried denial. I’ve tried repression, and I continue to practice a kind of dual existence. I’ve maintained a facade for so many, for so long that I am having a much harder time shaking it than even I could imagine. Fear remains the big barrier. And I know that has repercussions in my attitudes, my mood, and basic enjoyment of the world.

the mental image of one of those marine species, anchored to a rock, living inside a self constructed tube, only emerging when it seems safe, the snapping back inside at the first perception of hazard. For a while, I was largely free of this fear and able move confidently in my neighborhood or about town. Now...I lift the lid...peek out....emerge briefly... then snap back into hiding even before the first signs of threat appear.

[Ressie]

Hi Nancy. I agree about the selfishness. Telling someone close is cathartic for the one doing the telling, but maybe not so good for the person your telling. Once you tell someone will they keep it a secret and not tell anyone else?

I told my sister and my GF about 40 years ago. Back then it was a release since there were no anonymous internet people to share it with. It all started because my GF told me she was bisexual and later on my sister told me she was too.

I've told a few of my past girlfriends but I doubt that I'll ever have a coming out party. Sometimes I feel that I'd like to dress every day. I've just had a long life of being known as a male. Dressing privately causes an inner conflict that I just have to live with until I face the fear of possible consequences.

In closing, keep it a secret unless you want to transition or start dressing full time.

[Alice Torn]

kimdl93. I can sure relate. Great analogy you put forth. I have not been out in public since Oct 2017. I live in small town midwest now, in a big apartment complex, many seniors. I do not dress near as often now, too. But think about much of the time. It does not go away . Sometimes, i think of driving to a big town or city, and going in public, but at my unusual height, is
I stick out like a scare crow, and all eyes on me, and a bit unsure if i want to do that again. I think there is some exhibitionist in me.

[JaclynL61]

Hi Nancy. My situation is much like yours. Very in the closet. I'm married, but in a deep DADT. Several SA's at stores know. I did accidently out myself in the past to a couple female co-workers. It was no big deal and not much of a part of our conversations since. It all comes down to what do you want versus what are you willing to lose. I agree with your take about it can be selfish telling people and if you're not totally out. Maybe that is a good yardstick to use when telling someone. Would telling them benefit them or the friendship in some way?

[Rhandi Spencer]

I have read this topic many times trying to determine how I feel, also taking in many of the comments.
I feel that my closet door is wide open except when I want to have it locked tight.

I have gone to therapist fully dressed many times.
I have had several makeovers fully dressed
2 weeks ago I went out with a friend fully dressed.
I have told many many people that I crossdress, most are female friends, most very accepting and supporting.
My nephew is a person I want to tell because him and his wife are very accepting and caring people they support LGBTQ. I have shared with his wife who has not told him.
It causes me a lot of stress when I start to tell people just from the fact I have no idea who they will tell.

Very difficult for everyone that has a network of people and not knowing how you will be judged or accepted.

Good luck to all

[Sissy_in_pink]

I use to be a closet crossdresser, but it was a very lonely time. I have gradually told some friends, one is an ex-girlfriend that I still see, we are great friends and I owe my life to her or I would have died 2 years ago long story.
In the last 12 months, I have been wearing full on makeup and jewellery to work and have been issued with the female version of the uniform, I have thinning hair but refuse to wear a wig to work.
3 work colleagues have seen me dressed only because I outed myself to them when I ran into them whilst out and another female work colleague has seen photos of me dressed
To date, both son and daughter know and have seen me dressed, so that makes it 4 males and 9 females know I dress, not counting everyone at work who sees me.
I found that it is much more exciting to go out dressed whether it be to the movies the club or just to do some shopping, one of my female friends has been to lunch with me at various places whilst I'm dressed and doesn't mind one bit.
I have also been to see my doctor fully dressed.

[Bobbi46]

Heidi, Like you I am "out" to many in fact all of my village council, the Mayor, some English ex pats not to mention all of my French neighbours. The fact that all these people know is of no worry to me because of so many knowing.
With you in mind "the cat is out of the bag" so to speak so the people you have already told may have spoken of you to others the fact that so far there has been no no fall out from your disclosure suggests to me that all is well and ou should not worry about telling, the more people you tell the easier it is to tell without being nervous.
I am no longer nervous telling new people about me, you should be the same if you can.
If you want to Pm me I can elaborate on my experiences for you.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Nancy,
I too am in the closet, and I am in a DADT relationship with my wife. I have been enfemme with another person only twice, but three others know. I do get out in the wild every few months but stick to myself, I don't mind not telling others, I just don't feel the need to come out. I have enjoyed your insight, and the responses to your post.
Thank you for sharing.
Brenda

[Krea]

It is very lonely in the closet and i can understand why people want to come-out. But if you do, then you can't undo it if it goes badly. You might be able to guess whether someone would be supportive or not, but you can never be sure. So i can also understand why people remain in the closet.

Yet, i have begun sticking a few toes out of the closet, by openly wearing female clothing in a gender-blurred presentation. I haven't got as far as wearing a skirt in public yet, but i think that time is nearing....
If my work colleagues were to find out, then i really couldn't care less. If they don't approve, then that's their problem not mine. My employer has a very strict diversity policy, which is aimed at prevention of transphobia etc in the workplace.
As far as our friends go, my wife and i both take the view that if they found out and wanted to be nasty about it, then they're not real friends and we're better off without them anyway.

Yet, i will remain in a specific closet:
My wife asks that our relatives should not know about this and i respect her feelings. This is a minor difficuly really, as they all live several hundred miles away and we only visit them for a few days once a year, at which time i revert to some very discreet underdressing.

[carhill2mn]

Hi Nancy,

Over the many years that I have been a CD there were times when I considered telling others (women only) that I was a CD. Each time I decided not to tell anyone. In the long
run these were the correct decisions for me.

[Elizabeth G]

I'm out to my wife, therapist, son and several SA's. In addition, for no practical reason, I came out to a gg coworker and I'm so glad I did. She's become my alternate therapist of sorts who I can get fashion tips and advice from as well. If you choose to come out to someone just be careful as obviously there can be repercussions.

[sometimes_miss]

TL;DR.
As always, before coming out to anyone, consider the worst possible outcome. If you're fine with that, then proceed. Otherwise, reconsider why you feel that this other person must know. Coming out very rarely benefits those that you are coming out, too.

[Robertacd]

There's only two people in this world my wife and son, that I really care about how they feel, and they have accepted me. My Mother pretty much let me know at a young age that her love is not unconditional, same for the rest of the family. Sure it will hurt, but I am prepared to turn my back on any family members who won't accept me. .The remainder of the Earth's population can take a flying (you know what) if they have a problem with it.

It is my job that I am worried about losing and that is the only thing stopping me from going full time.

BTW: Sorry about the repost. The mobile site doesn't allow me to edit posts.

[Alice Torn]

Years ago, i almost came out to my only sister , who is older than me. I did mention to her about a Cd, at a singles dance, that i asked to dance, thinking the CDer was a GG. She cringed, so that made me change my mind about telling her. Also. she would have told my dad, who was still living, and my brother, and then others, and i would have really regretted ever telling her. I did tell several people i knew years ago, and they were not pleased with finding out at all, and a few lectured me how wrong it is.

[donnalee]

I'm normally a pretty shy person and prefer to keep my business private as much as possible; it's just simpler. However, if push comes to shove, I will not deny it. I'm retired, do not risk my livelihood if discovered and frankly do not care much what strangers think. My SO died some time ago, I have no children and my only close relative is a sister 9 years older who can be a pain sometimes so I'm not really interested in her knowing, but other than that, it makes little difference to me who does
You cannot control who those you tell talk to and about what. The thing you have to remember is that once it's out of your mouth, it's out of your hands..

[abbiedrake]

I'm out to a small number of people. It started with SAs as a matter of practicality in asking for aid with makeup. Some of those I would now consider friends. They love knowing and talking to a man who is so far removed from their own all too typical SOs.

Then I came out to a small handful of close friends. Why? It was more why not tbh. Those friends are all part of a gamer group I run and that also looks out for its members. I've long found that one of the best ways of getting people to trust me is to trust them first.

As a result my life has been largely an open book to them. But I know for a fact that my sharing my dressing has led to a deepening of some of those friendships. All expressed gratitude and a degree of privilege in my sharing with them. And most have in turn shared more of themselves. One talked of his faith. Another called me to talk about a PTSD flashback that had left him shaken. Yet another told me of his bedroom dressing with and ex before lamenting that his current wife would never countenance such a thing.

Yet another turned out to be trans too. I now have a girlfriend I'd never have had if I'd not taken the first step.

Much has been made here of the selfishness of sharing one's secret but my own experience has been almost ubiquitously one of seeing the recipient feel they could then share something of themselves they would have otherwise have carried in secret. My bedroom dressing friend and veteran with PTSD both kept their situations secret from their spouses. Wasn't it selfish of me to allow them to feel I was someone safe to share with?

I would also note no-one has reacted at all adversely to my sharing. No-one that is except my wife and it's fair to share she has far more invested in her relationship than anyone. But even there, while she finds my dressing a turnoff she does appreciate the ancillary benefits that have come with my self-acceptance. I've quit drinking, which was definitely killing me. I'm far more open and honest and loving than ever. So even there, the risk was worth it.

A final aside. I'm estranged from my entire family, parents, sister, children, extended family. I'm not sure how I'd approach those situations, especially as my father dressed!

Also I'm not employed so don't have that to deal with. Though given my flaunting of dress code for my last several years of full time employment I'm inclined to believe that I'd be likely to push things there and not give a crap. YMMV.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nancy :hugs:, Before you dive into the Deep end of the Pool see #4 in my signature. >Orchid .oO:daydreaming:Oo.

[JuliaGirl]

New member here, Nancy, but exactly the same situation as yours. 56 and closeted ... last kid off to university, the desire to dress perhaps as strong as it has ever been. Or as I like to joke, at least be able to hang my dresses and get a load of laundry done in the open. But I'm not sure my wife of 25+ would understand anyway ... I don't need silent contempt and eye rolling to add to the burden of being slightly different than the "hetero-normative" man, anyway. So yes, safe but lonely ... and except for a few SAs suspecting and two pro makeup artists I've hired ... all alone but safely quiet here as well.

P.S. Should also have mentioned I have never been outside the house while dressed.

[soyangela]

Hi Nancy,

This hits close to home for me. I am married but my wife has no clue about Angela. Because I felt what I was doing was wrong I locked up my feelings for years (wasn't a very good lock I suppose) and now here I am starting over again. I've decided I have to be honest with myself. I'm starting all over again buying clothes but the most important thing for me is that Angela is who I am... That was very difficult to say. As I now try to figure out where I'm going there is no reason to tell any of my family and friends. I may never tell them but that decision is for another day. I want to experience being Angela. Being on this forum is my first step. The support I see from the girls here is wonderful. To be able to write this for me is incredible. I'll be in the closet for a while but thats ok. Some day I hope to be out with the girls having a drink some place but for now just accepting me is good enough.

[MarinaTwelve200]

I am locked in MY "Closet" too----No one but me Knows, but my "Lady friend" may suspect---No big deal though. She would be open to it.----I would just rather NOT deal with it. I use CD to "relax and Unwind", sort of taking a "vacation" from my male self. Of course I have fun, primarily taking photos indifferent "disguises" and "Looks". I have only been outside TWO times, and then I had good 'excuses"---Once was as a (female) "Gypsy Fortune Teller" for our Adult Sunday School HALLOWEEN PARTY--I won FIRST PRIZE and also reinvigorated the costuming tradition that had been on the wane. (My realistic "Mark Twain" only won 2nd Prize the next year to an 80 YO"pregnant Nun") The second time was in a "Womanless Beauty Contest", at Church for our Valentine "Dinner and a Show"----Didn't win that one though-- Our retired Pastor did (it was rigged) ;)

[lingerieLiz]

I think I've had people who knew that I crossdressed just about everywhere I've lived. I've only came out of the blue to one woman. The rest were people who found out either saw me dressed or learned from others. I didn't hide it, but wore what I wanted. I found it interesting that a good ole redneck was told I was a CD and he said he didn't care I was a good guy. He told me personally the same thing.

I've had people who couldn't handle it, but that was years ago. I have no idea how many know today. "Big Time Tommie" says never tell people about your life. The less they know the safer you are. He also says be nice to everyone. Well I'm nice to everyone, but a lot of people know my un-secret "secret". When a woman asks to borrow a dress from you, or someone sees you come out of a dressing room at a women's boutique wearing a blouse and carrying a blouse matching one on the rack they know.

[Lea]

Nancy I am in a very similar situation as you.
My wife knows and that is it. Several times I have wanted to tell people just to be able to share this part of me. I never did as the job I retired from I would have been fired when they found out. My wife does not want me to go out dressed, excluding Halloween, near our house and I respect that On the times we went out on Halloween my wife was very encouraging to me and made sure I had an enjoyable evening.
It does get lonely not being able to share this side of me but for my situation it is for the best. It is one of the reasons I like this forum. It is my community.

[Celee]

I’m still locked safely back in the closet. Im sure my wife suspects something but she hasn’t brought it up. I haven’t felt the need to rock the boat yet although when the pink fog hits hard sometimes I think, what could go wrong? Then I think about that old saying, it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, it’s worked well so far even if it is a bit lonely inside my closet.

[alice one day]

Hi all, it's been a while since I posted as I outed myself to my SA a few months ago. At the time I was in a bad place and had agreed to go to counselling as I was very depressed and suffering bad head aches all the time. I outed myself to the counsellor after she kept digging into my childhood looking for the cause. I was in complete denial believing my problems were from PTSD. Despite the counselling my condition got worse, denial kicking in again. A long time male friend rang me to check on me and I told him. He said he was cool with it, "its not like you're going to run down the street in a frock is it?"
I told my SA shortly after that. It was like I transferred all my problems to her. I felt better, but she was devastated, her perceptions of me were destroyed, we had been living a lie. She had no one to talk to, she didn't want anyone to find out. She wanted to know why I didn't tell her 16 years ago as she would have thought twice about our relationship.
So now I'm in a deep DADT relationship, the trust destroyed, walking on egg shells all the time. The problem being, as you all know, it's not something you can switch off, the urge to dress is still there and gets stronger. Hence the head aches are coming back and I feel I should never have opened the door of the closet but as they say "you can't un-ring the bell". I can only hope some sort of compromise can be reached in the future.
I stopped seeing the counsellor after we got onto the PTSD, she never said anything but the expressions on her face suggested she was going to have night mares about the things we faced on tour. Civvies don't like hearing about the things you have to do to keep them safe. Thank you all for being here. Alice -one day in the future

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

I told each of my wives of my crossdressing before we got married. Both of my exes, like my current wife were accepting or DADT (wife 1). Everything went well until they decided they wanted to start having an open marriage without letting me know about it. Since my wife and I have moved away ( she is accepting and very helpful) My second ex has told everyone we knew together about my dressing. I keep in touch with a few of them and they told me about her telling everyone. Most think she is nuts since as a "man" most people think I am very macho.
So like we always say.. think carefully about who you tell.

[Rochal Tukque]

I have thought about not just telling someone but more time spent on why? I’m sure everyone has something different to say on this. A little more than a year after coming out to wife. She has supported me 110% I just finally said enough I am gender fluid been dressing all my life. I went on a tell all rampage no need to tell the family they live hundreds of miles away but I did. Sister thinks it’s fun, brother said don’t call or write. Told my two neighbors both girls. I didn’t need too I hadn’t dressed here but I did. One don’t care. The other one thought I got some new religion running around in my skirts. The best reason I can give. Besides the closest is full of girl clothes and there is no more room left. I’m tired of hiding! So telling people is all about me not about them. This is my affirmation of who I am and I’m not hurting anyone so they can get bent all they want. I can truly say it’s has done wonders for my self esteem. I don’t have to feel like I’m some leper any more!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Besides everyone here, there are three people who know about my dressing, my wife, therapist and the SA at Lane Bryant. There are a couple of close friends who I would like to share my secret with but now is not the right time for me. I feel it's easier to tell a total stranger than people you care about. While I am in the closet the door does have a tiny crack in it. I do have a couple of tells if you look close enough. So far no one has questioned me about them.




I'm trying to think of who one could possibly come out to that isn't somehow six degrees of separation from everyone else you know.


My life is totally compartmentalized, as if I had a security clearance and couldn't talk about my work.

My wife knows, but wishes that she didn't. She knows that I crossdress, but doesn't want to see me dressed. The only thing she wants to know is when I'm going out and when I'm returning. She has the phone number of a good TG friend, but she moved out of state, and wouldn't know of my whereabouts in an emergency. I practice 2 degrees of separation, except with medical professionals that we share. They are required by law (in the US) to keep the secret. Medical professionals often include the receptionists and sometimes nurses, in addition to the doctor.

As I said above, some of my medical professionals know, sometime because I walk in, and by surprise, am asked to take my shoes and socks off, exposing my painted toes. Or maybe an unplanned visit to the emergency room. Sometimes I just don't care and refuse to remove the nail polish from my painted toes, as long as my wife isn't with me. Sometimes I even share pics of Steffi with some medical professionals. One of my favorite "designers" is Adrienne Papell. It turns out that the bridesmaid dresses at one of my GG doctoctors wedding were Adrienne Papell. I guess your doctor needs to know you pretty well to discuss here bridesmaids dresses.

Then, there my TG/CD girl friends in my DC social group. They all know. All you girls here and hundreds of girls that I've met at Keystone.

There are also many SAs, makeup associates and nail associates who know.

Sometimes I'll out myself to some random GG, like GG waitresses at some vanilla restaurant of GGs and the local straight-friendly LGBT bar.

I'm not out to anyone at work.

So, I'm still in the closet, but it's a very big closet.

[Kelly-o]

Very interesting thread. I am also in the dress closet so to speak. My wife knows and she actually wants me to dress more full time if she had her way. So I am lucky that in home support is not an issue. She is really the only person that I know closely in on it. I have had a make-up lesson from a TG make-up artist and went out once dressed up to an event but those were just strangers.

I have had an urge or two to see if I could somehow make another CD, TG, TS, TV friend in real life and dress up together tell stories share advice in person. but as far as coming out to a friend, co-worker or family member I am far too fearful of the real life consequences. Though I shave my legs I have a girly voice and I am short I honestly think many people already suspect it and would not be so blown away.

[lingerieLiz]

I've been outed in the past several times. My wife did it once at a 4 martini lunch with a bunch of women friends. It didn't really hurt me or cost us friends. I ended up becoming one of the girls when I went on shopping trips with them. On the other hand I have heard disaster stories. One of the things to my advantage is that I'm self employed and people hire me because of what I know and can do.

[Veronica Lacey]

Hey there Nancy J…

A very thought-provoking post. I have casually contemplated the same notion in the past couple of years as well (in my late 40’s) but decided that there was no value for me to share this info beyond my wife (semi-positive DADT) shortly after we met more than 25 years ago. Here are some random thoughts and observances.

I tend to lean towards the idea that if you are involved in multiple social circles that encompass a large age range then you can feel each one out about such things as you deem comfortable. One may be more accepting than another.

Those in the 20-30 range may not really blink at any such disclosure. My 20 year old niece has indicated that her peers don’t seem very phased, impressed nor put off by people that are not your cookie-cut gender. Same attitude towards crossdressers.

Given your age, for same-age peers it can be double edged, I suppose. You were a teen in the 60’s so there may have been a surge of social acceptance of your peers for many such things of the time (your folks and my folks probably not so much.) If they have known you for that long there may be some who would be ok with knowing even if it takes some time to adjust. Of course there may be some who just cannot get over that you’re not the same person they’ve known all these years but many are probably emotionally adept enough to eventually mesh their past and present understandings of who you are and continue moving forward.

It could also depend on just how much socializing you do within those circles. People you visit with once every few months are perhaps safer to disclose to than those whom you see daily or weekly. If somebody in one social circle cannot handle it others might and at least your other social circles would know nothing about it.

As for myself I have considered sharing the info with a select handful of people. They are very close friends whom I consider as family (there are 3 such people: 2 female, 1 male) as well as my sister-in-law and the aforementioned niece. I get the true sense that, to these people, my crossdressing would not be this deep, dark secret that would keep them up at night until they burst at the seams to tell yet somebody else. Would it surprise them? You bet. Would they ostracize me? I doubt it. And I'd be okay with the ensuing questions if there were any.

I also go in with the notion that I would not take their acceptance as opportunity every time we meet to dress up in their company. If they popped over and I was wearing something feminine then sure, it would be rather nice not to panic and change clothing. I would only disclose it to them for the sake of sharing more of who I am with them: a simple, caring, married heterosexual man who has also found private preference in dressing in female attire. It also helps that I have accepted myself.

And I agree with those who have expressed along these lines: If you share this information with one then be prepared for more to know. If you get comfortable wearing whatever you wish in the company of one you may inadvertently give yourself away in the company of others via your words or if they come to visit and they just happen to see some of it in person. By then, I suspect/hope that you may not be as concerned anymore that others learn this about you.

Feel welcome to pm any time.

Veronica.

[jamienoir]

Only people who know abt my CDing is a few drag queens who have helped me with makeup and SA or two at cosmetics stores.

My wife w whom I'm separated doesnt know (I started dressing again a few yrs ago). She tells our family biz and is a bit mouthy in certain situations. So I'm reluctant to tell her.

I have no desire to confide in family and friends because CDing is a personal endeavor for me. I only want to communicate w other CDs abt my CDing.

[Nicole79]

I’ll bet the vast majority of us are “in the closet.” We keep our crossdressing, underdressing, and gender identity to ourselves — a closely guarded secret. For those of us who are married, usually our wives know (with widely varying degrees of acceptance), but almost always no one else knows. That, to me, is part of why connecting and communicating on forums like this one are important.

But, I’ve often considered telling someone else — someone in my day-to-day life, some one close to me. Each time I’ve considered this it has been because I was feeling isolated, or lonely, or maybe even just the pressure of keeping the secret was getting to me. And each time I’ve considered telling someone I’ve found multiple reasons not to do so, most of all, not wanting to burden them with having to carry a secret of mine that they didn’t ask for. They then would have a secret of mine that they couldn’t tell anyone.

Plus, I knew that I couldn’t predict how anyone would handle it. I’ve ended up concluding that my wanting to share my secret is selfish — that it really would not benefit, for example, my sister, for her to know, or even a close male friend. I think it would (or could) alter our relationship in unpredictable ways that really does not benefit them and would only benefit me if they embraced my “gender issues” and offered support and understanding — but would they?

So, I stay in the closet. It is lonely in here, but safer. I realize that I have been more forthcoming (about this) with SAs at DressBarn and Soma than I have been with my best friends. Anybody have success with voluntarily (not being “outed”) venturing out of the closet? Nancy

Nancy, I am on the same page as you. I think I`m staying in the closet.

[KarenSusan]

For some reason a few years ago I felt the overpowering need to tell someone. I confided to an elderly lady who I worked with after she retired. She had no problem with it and even let me visit with her dressed. She passed away a few years ago so since I am not married I am back in the closet. I worry that I will die before my sister because when she cleans out my place she will think less of me because I was a crossdresser.