Gender Dysphoria Triggers

[NancyJ]

For those of us that struggle with gender dysphoria, most of us experience emotional ?ups and downs.? Certain things can trigger me and get me feeling really bad about the male ?role? I play and my male body. Here are just two examples (remember, I am in a DADT marriage with a nonsupportive spouse): 1) When we are in a group social situation and the women separate from the men. The men talk about football, cars, etc. ? things I know little about and have no interest in. I can overhear the women laughing and talking about people, clothes, theater, etc., and I want to be with them. 2) Shaving my face. I hate having facial hair and long for the smooth, feminine skin that most women have and I would only have after electrolysis and hrt. This is especially hard when I shave while my wife stands at the vanity putting on her makeup while I am shaving. The contrasts triggers severe envy. I?ve got many other ?triggers? and I have some ways I soothe them (another thread). How about you? Nancy

[phili]

HI Nancy,
You have touched on an interesting point- the relationship between gender role dysphoria and body feature dysphoria. My triggers were that I was jealous of all sorts of things women could enjoy, or were free to do- from wearing summer dresses to being emotionally alive. Yes- like you, I really wish I didn't have to shave hair off my face. But I am not averse to the rest of my body and like my proportions, and I now feel that female body types are just as fraught with issues as men's, including hair in places they wish it wasn't- so what the heck- in the end my meaningful and 'need to be addressed' dysphoria is with my role playing.

I am triggered now more by my own behavior as a male- I don't feel jealous now as much as bound by lifelong habits.

[Teresa]

Nancy,
I can relate to being in a situation where the men are talking male talk and the women are enjoying girl talk , stuck in drab in that sitaution is tough . I was being excluded from the male group because they were all farmers , try as I might I was an outsider . The women weren't prepared to include me because I wasn't one of them , eventually I spent some time talking to a bottle of red wine , at least the male host knew a good bottle !

Shaving everyday all over isn't a chore to me , because I know I shall be dressed and out in the RW after , reverting to male mode gives me dysphoria problems .

[GretchenM]

Like you and Teresa, being in a mixed group produces discomfort for me. I also gravitate toward the female group in the inevitable separation of males and females in a casual group. Been that way since I was a kid and I am not 74. At this point, I think it is a pattern that will not change any time soon. :heehee: It is just the way we are oriented.

But I used to have a whole pile of other triggers. Walking through the women's department at stores, passing a woman wearing a wonderful fragrance - usually lavender or lavender and other fragrance mixes. Catalogs that arrived in the mail. So many triggers. Rather than letting those triggers produce different degrees of dysphoria, I learned to simply accept them as being a part of who I am and how my sensory networks connect with the gender producing portions of my brain. Now they are enjoyable rather than upsetting. Accepting yourself, accepting that gender identity and expression is not a binary function, and accepting all that means allows most of the triggers to be disarmed. I am just who I am and if that is a bit off with regard to fitting the fantasy of what should happen and the way we should be largely avoids triggers and provides the freedom to do what you wish.

[jacques]

hello Nancy,
it could well be that a proportion of men don't like talking about football and cars because they are not interested in them - nothing to do with their gender dysphoria. My wife keeps reminding me that I rubbish at "small talk" though - she is trying train me!
As for shaving - women have to shave too so that they conform to social expectations.
luv J

[Ressie]

Facial hair... shaving every day is the one thing that causes dysphoria. I'd love to have a smooth fem face - no facial hair to shave. My legs OTOH have hardly any hair and what's there is mostly very fine and hard to see.

As far as conversations with men vs. women. I don't keep up with sports at all now days and never had a strong interest in it. I like cars and can keep up with the topic but I'm still not a real car nut. Women also get into topics that leave me uninterested which means I have nothing to add to the conversation.

I know women that love sports but I don't know any men that like to talk about skin care. I'm a musician and music lover so I can talk about music to either sex. Food is another universal topic. But isn't it interesting that in social situations men and women often end up in separate groups?

[carhill2mn]

Seeing a girl or woman wearing a pretty dress and shoes was always caused me to have feelings of jealousy. This was particularly true when I watched my wife and 3 daughters get dressed up for a special occasion. They got pretty new things and I wore the same suit and shirt as I wore to work.

[Rachelakld]

boredom.
Oh like, I've 5 minutes to fill in, what shall I do, ummm??.. I know, lets put on some pretty clothes.

This is why the wife likes me to have lots of projects/distractions
But the pressure to be the other me, just builds in the background

[Teresa]

Tracii,
Surely it still comes back to the level of dysphoria in some people , they think they have it under control and then some detail does trigger the problem . I've only found the balance now I'm out full time , there are no triggers to worry about so my dysphoria isn't a problem .

[Jean 103]

To me the whole "triggered" thing is BS.in most cases.


For most of my life I have kept these feelings locked away.

Over the years different things would cause the door to be thrown open. Instead of dealing with them I would use different techniques to avoid them.

When I stated to try and deal with this I entered into a DADT with my wife at around 56, I'm now 63. This didn't last long, as I couldn't control myself, there was no more locked door, and it wouldn't stay shut. No excuses it was all me.

Now that I am out and live as Jean I don't have any more problems with this. But then my life is completely different. I am able to freely express myself. I still work as a guy, but and this is huge, I'm out and live as Jean.

It took a lot of time and effort for me to get to this point. I don't think I would have made it without the help of my new friends I made along the way. Most of them didn't do anything at all, besides accepting me as a friend.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My bathroom has 2 sinks, so one is mine and the other is my wife's.

Sometimes we're getting ready to go out, and I look over to my wife and see her doing her makeup.

Sometimes when this happens, a thought jumps into my head, "I forgot to allow enough time to put on my makeup." Then I remember, "Boy mode today, no makeup required."

[NancyJ]

To me the whole "triggered" thing is BS.in most cases.
IMO the ones that claim to get "triggered" is using that as an excuse because they can't control themselves and have to blame it on someone or something else. No accountability is a huge problem with a lot of people.

P.S. just my opinion so don't send me hateful P.Ms and make nasty comments.
I too have gender dysphoria to some degree but slowly recovering from it.
Tracii, WHAT? This is not a radical or controversial concept, but a well-established psychological fact. People get emotionally triggered by words, sounds, smells, sights, social situations, etc. This has nothing to do with “losing control” or not being responsible for my behavior. Because I feel gender dysphoric — wish that I was the gender other than that of my birth — it does not mean I am out of control or blaming others. It simply means I am feeling something, and something in my present environment has “triggered” that feeling. Other feelings are commonly triggered: sadness, anxiety, anger, embarrassment, etc. For more information, google “emotional trigger.”

Don’t suggest something is BS just because you don’t understand it. Beyond being disrespectful to me as the poster, it demonstrates your lack of knowledge and empathy. Nancy

[Aunt Kelly]

This is what happens when we decide that "labels don't matter", or that the definition of gender dysphoria is "a matter of opinion", instead of a well-defined medical condition (https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria). Effective communication becomes difficult, if not impossible, and contention inevitably follows. It's a pattern that this forum sees over and over.

Here's a thought... I know, I know. It's a little bit "out there", but why don't we give it a shot. Let's agree to use the term "gender dysphoria" in the way the experts have agreed upon (https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria). Yes, the evaluation of the fairly specific symptoms requires a certain amount of clinical acumen; something that virtually none of us have. If you've had a professional make the diagnosis, you can and arguably should use the term to describe yourself. If you have not, use a different term. There are plenty that fall under the term that those professionals use for everything that is not gender dysphoria, "...gender nonconformity, which refers to behaviors not matching the gender norms or stereotypes of the gender assigned at birth..." (emphasis mine). With so many to choose from, feel free to pick the one that, in your opinion, best fits.

[NancyJ]

“Dysphoria: “A state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.” With all due respect, Aunt Kelly, I’m going to disagree that only those diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria can claim to have feelings of dysphoria. However, I wholeheartedly agree that there should be tolerance on this forum for use of widely accepted terms to describe the transgender experience. Why pick issues with each other about how we describe our experiences? Thanks for your comment. Nancy

[Teresa]

Aunt Kelly ,
I was diagnosed by my gender counsellor but I still knew before that the feeling of something not being right, up to that point I called a gut feeling , it sat in the pit of my stomach , a yearning if you like .

[SaraLin]

Aunt Kelly,
I was DIAGNOSED with gender dysphoria in my 40's (and I still have the paperwork to show it- somewhere), but I'll insist that I have been dysphoric my entire life. My dying breath will still see me this way. It's who I am, with or without the "sanction" of the medical community.

Now back to the OP's question:
NancyJ,
I'm not sure about triggers, since it's pretty much always there. BUT - seeing a particularly lovely outfit, walking through the ladies' section to get to the men's, listening to men's conversations with each other, looking at my (in my eyes) hairy body, getting dressed in drab, and -yes- shaving my face all are unpleasant and make me feel that my world is out of its proper orbit.

[Aunt Kelly]

“Dysphoria: “A state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.” With all due respect, Aunt Kelly, I’m going to disagree that only those diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria can claim to have feelings of dysphoria.
No argument. Your dictionary definition of "dysphoria" is accurate. I did not claim otherwise, but (yet) again, "gender dysphoria" is a very specific term and it is inaccurate and confusing to apply it in the way it so frequently is here.

[JeanTG]

What triggers my dysphoria?

Breathing.

[Jenny22]

Few triggers since I fully dress at home daily. But one trigger that will always make me want to be more feminine are beautiful female clothing ads.

[Patience]

Being a plain garden variety CDer, I don't have dysphoria, as such, but there are times I see a cute outfit or a woman presenting herself in a way I find particularly nice and I find myself wishing I could look as good as they do.

[Alice Torn]

And most women are jealous and envy men/

[NancyJ]

And most women are jealous and envy men/

Hmmm? I don’t think so. My wife certainly does not. My daughter does not. I have never heard a woman say this. I suspect that there are far more males who are gender dysphoric (wish they were female) than the other way around. Nancy

[Aunt Kelly]

I suspect that there are far more males who are gender dysphoric (wish they were female) than the other way around. Nancy
People who experience gender dysphoria don't "wish they were female".

[Nikki.]

Wait- are you saying a person cannot wish to be female and experience gender dysphoria?

[April Rose]

I have had different triggers at different stages of life. When I was a kid it was seeing my older cousin flounce down the stairs in her full skirts, the women's and girl's clothing section of the Montgomery Ward catalog or the ladies in their gorgeous gowns on television. Nowadays it's getting out of bed in the morning. Or passing a needlework shop.

The triggers have evolved many times over the years; what they trigger has been the constant.

The DSM definition, closely read, is general enough to cover most of what has been said here. To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin: "we must all hang together or we will hang separately."

[Star01]

I'm dadt and don't know where I fall in with the definitions but I know what I think and feel when something catches my eye and triggers the desire to dig into my girly clothes or take a long bath and shave all over. Recent examples, first one is that many years ago while I was still working my wife used to work part time jobs and/or create small home businesses. She had stopped doing that for many years and recently decided to start buying and selling again. Mostly china pieces, jewelry, anything she can clean up and flip that has some profit margin. Anyways, I have done digital photography and graphics for many years so I was tasked with resizing and editing her first batch of photos. Her recent jewelry purchase was about the equivalent of a half a five gallon bucket so there were a lot of photos. Give a CD a few hundred photos of bracelets, necklaces, earrings to stare at for a couple hours, what could possibly go wrong?

Another recent incident was that I purchased a new cell phone a couple months ago and had to go to the kiosk at one of the department stores to flip my account over to the new phone. We had to go past the ladies department and right on the end of the isle was the perfect dress that I absolutely knew would have been perfect for me after only one glance. As a dadt I am limited in how I can react when those triggers hit me between the eyes so it can be kind of a frustrating experience but I've been a CD for over 60 years since my first introduction to crossdressing as if the first effects of puberty weren't enough for me to unpack so I'm used to dealing with the frustration which has been stronger than ever this past few months.

Without getting into definitions or debating degrees of dysphoria all I can say is that it's a very real thing and it can happen regardless of which rung of the crossdressing ladder we are at.

[Stephanie47]

I went to the discussion on the link provided by Aunt Kelly (#14). Based upon the article/definition I do not have gender dysphoria. Nothing applies when going through the lists outlined for a child or an adult. It arrives at the conclusion I am a gender noncomformist engaging in general gender expansiveness and gender creativity because I like to wear women's clothing "occasionally." Wherever I fall on the spectrum, I are not suffering from a mental disorder. That's nice to know. Now tell that to everyone else I know that I am not a whacko or sicko.

What the brief analysis does not answer is the big question; "Why do I do what I do?" Is it hormonal? Is it nurturing or lack thereof? What is it? It is not logical my mind as an early teenager and then later as an adult was driven to express itself in a manner which invited all the turmoil society can throw at nonconformity.

I have to add, as I have expressed many times on this forum, a counselor I see for issues related to combat induced PTSD, is of the opinion that every man and woman has some dna of the opposite sex. In some, it is more than others. The question still arises is what triggers me to act in a manner that is contrary to my birth sex. I do not think what I do have anything to do with gender expansiveness or gender creativity. One underlying thought expressed on this forum is seeking to avoid stress. Some people self medicate with drugs and alcohol when confronted with stress. Some decide to find a bridge to jump off. I find escaping to those thing I believe are a positive of being a woman. Yes, I have found emulating a domesticated woman taking care of the home to be a stress reliever. Maybe that was imprinted by watching June Cleaver on "Leave It to Beaver." Why would I seek out stressful situations when "identifying" as a woman? It seems I would seek out what I consider to be pretty dresses, heels and hosiery, etc. I've yet to read on this forum anybody yearning to be a woman living a life under adverse circumstances.

[Star01]

I went to the discussion on the link provided by Aunt Kelly (#14). Based upon the article/definition I do not have gender dysphoria. Nothing applies when going through the lists outlined for a child or an adult. It arrives at the conclusion I am a gender noncomformist engaging in general gender expansiveness and gender creativity because I like to wear women's clothing "occasionally." Wherever I fall on the spectrum, I are not suffering from a mental disorder. That's nice to know. Now tell that to everyone else I know that I am not a whacko or sicko.

What the brief analysis does not answer is the big question; "Why do I do what I do?" Is it hormonal? Is it nurturing or lack thereof? What is it? It is not logical my mind as an early teenager and then later as an adult was driven to express itself in a manner which invited all the turmoil society can throw at nonconformity.

Excellent reply that echoes my thoughts. Labels aside, where am I on the various levels of dysphoria or is it a mild case of nonconformity and will it increase or decrease in the coming months? Why do we do this and how come it sought me out as I certainly wasn't looking for something that would put me in this awkward place that I reside.

[Aunt Kelly]

Wait- are you saying a person cannot wish to be female and experience gender dysphoria?
Not exactly. I am saying that people who experience gender dysphoria _already_ identify as women. That is _why_ we have the dysphoria. It's a semantically subtle difference, one easy to miss, but an important one to grasp in order to understand the difference between gender identity and gender expression.

[Nikki.]

I experience gender dysphoria and I don’t identify as a woman. I assume trans men experience gender dysphoria and some of them probably don’t identify as women. WPATH SOC version 7 cites observations that some cd’s and drag folks experience GD:

Other clinical observations (not yet firmly supported by systematic study) support the likelihood of a higher prevalence of gender dysphoria: (i) Previously unrecognized gender dysphoria is occasionally diagnosed when patients are seen with anxiety, depression, conduct disorder, substance abuse, dissociative identity disorders, borderline personality disorder, sexual disorders, and disorders of sex development (Cole, O’Boyle, Emory, & Meyer III, %%?). (ii) Some crossdressers, drag queens/ kings or female/male impersonators, and gay and lesbian individuals may be experiencing gender dysphoria (Bullough & Bullough, %%').